Sunday, December 07, 2014

Pat Angello's Guide to Holiday Eating!

I mean, really.  What do I know?  OK, I did well with LA Weight Loss back in the day, gained it back, lost it again, gained it, lost it, gained it...  I think you get the picture.  But ya know, the holidays are HORRIBLE for trying to lose weight.  So don't try, because it's mostly impossible - mostly.  Instead, let me give you some fun tips on how to decide what to eat, and how LA Weight Loss would categorized/justify it for you!

The keys to LA Weight Loss were portion control, getting in certain amounts of all of the food groups, drinking lots of water, and keeping your salt intake at a minimum.  Some salty stuff was OK on occasion, as long as you made up for it with extra water.  Let me see if I can guide you through some traditional holiday foods.

Cookies: Ugh, the cookies are overwhelming, aren't they?  But let's break it down. There's flour (wheat, that's a grain, yo!), eggs (PROTEIN!!), butter (dairy - check), sugar (this stuff grows out of the ground and looks a lot like asparagus, so lets just call it a vegetable), and sometimes there's chocolate (cocoa beans are BEANS, so there's a veggie!).  So simple!  One cookie has protein, grain, veggies and dairy!  How is this NOT healthy, AMIRIGHT???  Might as well throw chocolate fudge into this conversation.  I almost went all Bill Cosby on you there.  I mean, his "Chocolate Cake for Breakfast" routine.  I'm not trying to drug and rape you through the internet.

Gingerbread Houses and Cookies: This link says "Historically, ginger has a long tradition of being very effective in alleviating symptoms of gastrointestinal distress. In herbal medicine, ginger is regarded as an excellent carminative (a substance which promotes the elimination of intestinal gas) and intestinal spasmolytic (a substance which relaxes and soothes the intestinal tract). Modern scientific research has revealed that ginger possesses numerous therapeutic properties including antioxidant effects, an ability to inhibit the formation of inflammatory compounds, and direct anti-inflammatory effects."  You're welcome!

Pie: OMG, pie!  Who doesn't love a good pie?  Pumpkins and apples are fruits, so WOO!  And the pie crust has flour (grain), butter (dairy), and water - WATER!  Awesome!  Bring on the damned PIE!!!  Unless it's minced meat pie.  That's just wrong!

Candy Canes: Little red and white hooks of love!  Candy canes are AWESOME, and almost never cut the living hell out of your mouth.  There's really nothing to these guys, just sugar (cane, asparagus-like veggie), corn syrup (YES!  More veggies!  It's almost like Iowa just curled up in your mouth!), natural flavor (whatever that means...  Maybe it means mint flavor, and mint is a plant, so ANOTHER VEGGIE!), and added color (Red #40 is, um, not so good for you.  It could cause hyperactivity in children, but that might help them sleep better later, right?).  But HEY!  At least there are no peanuts involved, and like every other person is allergic to peanuts these days!

Turkey, Beef Roast, and Ham: Dude, come on!  These are PROTEINS, so bring it!  I suppose there's a lot of salt in ham, so just make sure you drink 2-17 extra glasses of water to flush it out.

Mashed Potatoes and Sweet Potatoes: Veggies. Done.

Stuffing: Do we need to even address this? We're talking celery, onions, butter, bread. It's a full healthy meal in every damn bite!

Eggnog: Creamy delicious protein and dairy in a single glass.  What's not to love?  Wait!  Add some RUM to it!  Rum is known to lower blood pressure and relieve stress.  Add.  Rum.  ADD RUM!!!  Is my finger talking?

Green Bean Casserole: Whoever decided to mix beans with cream of mushroom soup and throw crispy onions on top was either a sick and twisted individual or a genius.  My wife would ask why someone would want to ruin perfectly good beans by dousing them with fungus sauce, and others would call it a "you just got your chocolate in my peanut butter" moment.  But, ya know, with green beans and cream of mushroom soup.  Hey, maybe the person that "created" this dish was making soup, tripped while carrying beans, and BOOM!

Cranberry Sauce: Anything that retains the shape of its container when it's let loose freaks me out, but it is a berry/fruit, so it can't be THAT bad for you, right?

Figgy Pudding: Unless you're British or over the age of 80, forget this exists.  Maybe if you're having issues staying "regular" this would work, otherwise just grab a soft piece of cat crap from the litter box and eat it with a spoon for the same effect.

Mixed Nuts: I don't care who you are or where you're from, nuts are AWESOME!  Call them grains, call them proteins.  I call them amazing!

Fruit Cake: Eff you, fruit cake!  I don't care if you have fruit, and grains, and good stuff.  You're a door stop at best!

Well, that's all I can think of.  If I missed something, let me know and I will justify it for you.  Happy holidays, and EAT SOMETHING!!!  There's a reason it's called a new year resolution, not a try to slim down when people are literally throwing pie in your mouth resolution.  Mmm, pie...

Tuesday, October 21, 2014


So I was reading last week's issue of Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom (like you don't read on the toilet - shut up!), and there were a few random thoughts that just made me want to blog today.

It's not the fact that Michael Keaton is on the cover, and Birdman is supposed to be a great new film resurrecting his career.  It was really more the music section.  But then I kept thumbing through backwards and, well, found more.

SOUND BITES: This is probably my favorite thing in this magazine every week, with The Bullseye a close second. This week reminded me that Michael Che is much better and more comfortable on SNL's fake news than Colin Jost will ever be.  He's not working.

THE MUST LIST: I'm about 97% sure I want to see Whiplash, but I have no idea who else will want to go with me.  I also don't give a rip about The Voice.

Could there be any MORE cigarette ads in this magazine?  "SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Quitting Smoking Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks To Your Health."  How is that a warning, and why is every word capitalized?

NEWS and NOTES: According to the Fall TV Face-off, I'm watching all the right stuff!  WOO!  Gotham, Scorpion, Sleepy Hallow, The Blacklist are all winning their time slots.  I enjoy them all, but honestly the only shows I can't live without are The Walking Dead, American Horror Story and The Goldbergs. Oh, and Bono is still a hugable dick.  Just sayin'!  I mean, just give it away whether people want it or not?  How arrogantly nice of you!  See?  Hugable dick!

Two full-page ads for YouTube shows?  How long before we simply no longer have TVs or networks?

OK, fine - I want to see Birdman, too!

The "Bold New Camry" ad is cracking me up!  Yeah, real bold to change the style of the car every 15 years.  Wow, this ad makes no sense.

Movies: There's a BINGE! section about Bill Murray, including the essential films.  How is it I've never seen Meatballs or Stripes?  That's the fact, Jack!  Also, Hilary Swank can grow her hair as long as she wants, but she still looks like a dude.  While I'm here, so does Jessica Simpson.

TV: As excited as I am that both American Horror Story and The Walking Dead have reviews/articles, I'm a little insulted that they both only received a B+.  Jeffrey Tambor looks pretty good as a woman.

Music: When your lead story here is a 20-year-old reissue by a boring and dead band (Oasis), you've pretty much lost me.  How many times can you release and re-release this album?  This is the 3rd, if you're counting at home.  I think Jessie J needs to show her arm pits more.  Just when I thought I knew what I was doing as far as watching TV, the TV JUKEBOX shows me I am clearly not.  All I watch of the 6 shows mentioned is Person Of Interest.  I'm apparently not hep, or I simply don't have that much time on my hands.  Trent Reznor is a stud, still.  The article where he breaks down the process of writing the score to Gone Girl is pretty cool.  I'm not much into LA dance music, but seeing Flying Lotus' Playlist, I think I can dig him!  Queen, King Crimson, Miles Davis, Pink Floyd, Mr. Oizo...  Damn - love the diverse influences!

OK, I'm done.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

In Defense of Megadeth

OK, I'm not taking megadeath, the death of one million people due to a nuclear explosion.  I mean the speed metal band, Megadeth.

Maybe I'm just blogging right now to pretend the Broncos aren't really on TV right now, so please excuse any random cursing.

Back to it!

It was college, really.  I discovered this band when their 3rd album, So Far, So Good, So What? came out, thanks to the meta heads on Swanson 2 at Creighton.  Yeah, there's some irony about me getting into speed metal and death metal while at a Catholic University, but these guys were like noting I've ever heard.  That was because of one person: that arrogant douche bag, Dave Mustaine.

So glad we held them to a field goal there after fumbling on the first play.  I can't handle another game like the Super Bowl.

What can I say?  I was obsessed with my guitar at the time, and I've never heard anything like this.  Sure the lyrics were and have always been stupid, and the guy can't sing to save his life.  If you think he sounds bad on the tracks that got released, try listening to the extended re-releases with demo versions.  Horrendous vocals!  Believe it or not, that's as good as the guy can sing.

I don't care about lyrics or singing, because the guitar work was unbelievable.  Super technical, extremely fast and aggressive.  It was all because of Dave.  He's a genius, and I'm not even kidding.  He's clearly the brains behind this band, and his arrogance is deserved.  It's like the 7-year-old that creates this extremely complex game to play, like you pick an element and you use the attributes of the element as super powers, and then he tries to get other kids the same age to play it with him, but it's so over their heads that they just follow along and hope they can keep up.*  That's what Dave is to the other musicians in the band - the brilliant creator who is light years ahead of his peers, the guys are just riding his coattails.

As brilliant at guitar as he is, Dave is also an idiot sometimes.  OK, a lot.  Like the time they were playing in Northern Ireland and before they went into "Anarchy" Dave yelled, "This one's for the cause!"  Here's where he lost me: "In an August 2012 Singapore performance on the tour to support the band's then-new album Thirteen, Mustaine expressed his views of President Obama and recent gun violence in the United States, making an accusation that Obama had staged the mass shooting in Aurora, CO and the Wisconsin Sikh temple shooting in order to push a gun control agenda, while engaging the audience during onstage banter in between songs."**

Did he lose me for good?  Almost.  I mean, that hit literally close to home, and really pissed me off. What a ridiculous thing to say!  As Frank Zappa would say, shut up and play yer guitar!

Shoulda had a touchdown, but I'll take the field goal.  This is going to be a close game, isn't it?  Like come down to a field goal at the end???  I need to pee.

I had a rough week at work a few weeks ago, and even though I deleted all of my Megadeth from my iPod a few years back because of the statement above, I needed it.  The aggressive music actually calms me when I'm stressed out.  I guess I let it all release by hearing the thrashing guitars and respecting the technicality of it all.  I feel everything releasing through the noise and feel relaxed, as if someone else has pulled the frustration and aggression right out of me.

Sure, Dave's going to keep opening his mouth and inserting his ignorant foot, but does that mean I should stop listening to music I enjoy?  If I removed every person from my life that I don't completely agree with on every level and on every topic, I'd never eat, I'd have no friends, I'd never go to movies, and I'd never listen to music.  Maybe I should let Dave back in?  I mean, hating people that hate merely spreads hate, right?

Ugh!  Not sure this is going to be a close game after all.  Winning in SEA is pretty much impossible for any visiting team.

Fine, I'll listen to Megadeth again.  It's really for the good of my co-workers.  Note to them: if you hear Megadeth or Radiohead coming from my desk, it's a rough day.

*That's my kid, BTW.
**From Wikipedia, duh.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

I Just Want To Watch Football

Some thoughts started flopping through my head last night as I tried to sleep.  Yes, I'm losing sleep over the stupid NFL.  Fine, I'm old, whatever, but I remember as a kid just watching games on Sunday.  My dad never had to explain why my heroes weren't playing, what rape was, what domestic violence meant, why or how someone could beat their 4-year-old child with a stick until he bled.  It was just football.

Last weekend, NFL Countdown on ESPN spent more than 45 minutes on Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson.  45 minutes!  All I could think was, "can you guys just start talking about football?"  I really just wanted to see why the Broncos should beat the Chiefs, or if San Diego had a shot at beating the Seahawks.  45 minutes of a 2-hour show wasted on personal thoughts about criminal acts that have nothing to do with football.  Fine, it's NFL news because it involves an NFL player, so touch on it and move on - quickly!  

Personal thoughts from Ray Lewis, of all people, are a complete joke.  This man who was involved somehow in a murder, should not be free to speak on TV about ANYTHING, let alone give his opinion on football players in legal trouble.  The guy threw his friends under the bus and pleaded down to a misdemeanor obstruction of justice charge - in a murder trial.  People are dead here, so let's idolize him and put him in a suit to talk about football!  If we try to forget the fact that he was involved in this appalling act and just judge him by his ability to breakdown games and strategies, he has nothing to add.  He's horrible.  At least the other former players and coaches can tell you SOMETHING about the teams and give a strategic opinion as to why they will succeed or fail in their game of the week.  Plus, every time I look them in the eye, I don't think they are murderers.  Then again, none of them have larger-than-life statues of themselves outside their former teams' stadiums.  The only thing I can think of is he must have pictures or something of a big wig at ESPN.  Otherwise, ESPN needs to do the right thing and boot him off TV.  I can't take it.

Anyone remember Aaron Hernandez?  No?

My personal thoughts: remember when Adrian Peterson lost a child last year?  Was it just me, or did he not seem nearly as upset as a parent should be?  I know everyone grieves differently, but I took his reaction as if he felt like it was one less child support check he had to write.  Wow, that was harsh, but was it off by much?

The NFL as a whole needs to get their shit together.  Here are some of my suggestions for fixes.  Feel free to argue or add to them as you see fit:
  1. Get Ray Lewis off the air.  As stated above, he sets a bad example and has no credibility other than being a former player.  He's horrible at his job and has a shady background.
  2. While we're at it, you might as well fire 90% of the color (not colored) announcers currently assigned to call games on TV.  These former NFLers are all pretty incompetent and add nothing, not like the play-by-play guys are much better.  These guys miss just about every detail that happens on the field, and then act shocked when they hear what happened through the ref's microphone.  You're right there!  PAY ATTENTION!  We really need average fan announcers, complete with alcohol and cursing.  I'd watch that.  Hell, I'd DO that.  Who's with me?  I'll call the play-by-play, and someone else can jump in with random goofy comments.  If we could crack the legal red tape of the NFL, I'd totally do a webcast like this.  Maybe we can start with classic games?  Any of them public domain yet?  Doubt it...
  3. How much money is the NFL actually spending on the NFL Network?  Because it's atrocious.  Seriously.  Is Rich Eisen being punished for something?  How did he end up on this pathetic network?  Their shows are just awful, and their "talent" of former players are so uncomfortable doing things like, well, speaking that it's completely unwatchable.  The games on this channel are impossible to watch as well!  Put aside the terrible announcers, because the camera work is pathetic.  There are local high school games with better camera men - in Wyoming!  (Nothing personal against Wyoming, it's just the least populated state so they have the least amount of talent to choose from.  Chill out.)  It just needs to go away.  Cut the funding and donate it to research for pediatric cancer or something else useful.
  4. I'm not going to go as far as saying the commissioner needs to be fired, but they really need to police themselves.  Roger Dodger needs to admit he made a mockery of the current situations with Ray and Adrian and suspend himself for half the season, fine himself (donate to pediatric cancer research!), and install a committee (with half of them being women) to reside over any kind of domestic violence issues that come up.  Let's keep it all behind the scenes until a decision is made, announce the decision/punishment, move on.
  5. Thursday Night Football needs to go.  I'm sure the NFL makes a ton of money off this, but it's got to be hard on the players.  There are 2 teams (Broncos and Saints) that have to play a Sunday NIGHT game, and then follow it up with a Thursday night game.  Bet against them that week, because this is totally unfair.  If they keep the Thursday night game, there should be a rule that the teams playing in it have a morning game the week before.  My suggestion?  Move it to Friday!  There's nothing else on Friday night on TV anyways.  On Thursday, I've got Big Bang Theory and Scandal to watch.
I realize I sound like an old man with this "Back in MY day" post, but I really just want to watch football again.
Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!