Seriously - it's 3AM!

And I am obviously not sleeping. No idea why, really, but I did actually sleep for about an hour and then came down to the basement to work on some more stuff for my newest venture...

EvilMonkeyGadgets.com!

Yeah, I launched a super cool new website that many of you already know about. If you don't, well go check it out so this 3AM post isn't fruitless! It's loaded with some sweet and inexpensive gadgets that ship to your door with no shipping charges! I know, it's like Christmas and yer birfday just collided! Maybe something to ponder for Father's Day? Does dad need a new pen, or MP3 player, or both stuck together? HA! Well, the Evil Monkey can hook you up and even throw an FM tuner in that bad thing!

Also, the fine artist Derek Knight drew the killer logo, and we stuck it on a bunch of stuff.

Like yer working...

I'm a Loser, and So Are the Chargers!

Or, at least, I'm trying to be.

Thank GOD for my co-workers organizing a Biggest Loser competition at the office, because I needed this big time.

Look, I joined LA Weight Loss a little over 4 years ago and learned how to eat properly. Good food choices, correct portion sizes, how often, how much, etc. Apparently it didn't take me long to forget it all, because just a year or two later the 40 pounds I lost pretty much all came back. I even started pretty good last year, losing 10 quickly, but just fattening back up to my jelly self.

This year, my boss started a Biggest Loser competition at the office and I opted in ($50 buy-in). After week one, I gained almost a pound, and then I got pissed. Hey, I'm proud of the others for losing the first week, and not everyone remembered to weigh in, but I was the only one that gained that week. Well, of the people that weighed in, I was the only one that gained. In my typical fashion, I made light of it by replying to all on the contest update email by saying, “Oh, we're supposed to go the OTHER way! Got it!” But deep down, I was pissed. And I knew exactly why I was up, and it was simply horrendous choices over the weekend. I swear I lost 2-3 pounds during the week, but made a gluttonous spectacle of myself in a mere 2-3 days. That blew it all.

I think I've got this figured out again, and I am determined to stay on track and hit my goal! I'm making the right choices, getting a little exercise in, and being inspired by simply wanting to compete and get my money back. Besides, I work with really good people. Despite a few days of rib-nudging “sabotage” (OK, so I brought in 3 boxes of Tasty Kakes and threw them on other people's desks), we are starting to push each other, help each other, support each other, share some ideas about what to eat, walk together (thanks, Pouxie!), and even piss each other off enough after a good week to want to try harder. Hey, worked for me after week 1, because I'm now down 5 pounds after week 2. 35 to go!

We headed up to Fort Collins to have dinner with our CiCi right in the middle of the Chargers v Jets game. It was only 7-0 Chargers, and I thought, “Looks like a typical top 4 playoff for the Super Bowl.” I was DELIGHTED with the outcome, mostly because Philip Rivers is a prick. Really. Love to see pain on his face more than I love to see it on Jay Cutler's. And for a team led by a rookie QB to go into SD and break the Charger's 11 game win streak? Comical!

Yes, I predicted an Eagles-Chargers Super Bowl, but I don't care that I was wrong. I simply want to see New Orleans and Indy since they were clearly the best teams this season.

Let's Talk Sports!

Yep, I'm a little pissed at the Broncos. Maybe more disappointed than pissed really... Look, I expected them to go 4-12 at best this year, then they teased me with a 6-0 start. You can't do that and finish the season 2-8 with home losses to rank Raiduhs and crap Chefs teams. We expected playoffs this year after that start, but we went down like a Mexican whore at Mardi Gras after the break. Not to over analyze, but here are a few things:

The draft – where does it make sense to trade next year's first round pick to move up in the second round this year? Really? And Orton was “solid” for most of the season, but how nice would it be to have 2 more first round picks this year to move up and get a QB to build this team around? Because Simms proved he's not the answer. Or maybe we groom Brandstater and trade up for that stud Ndamukong Suh from Nebraska to plug up the middle on defense? Just thinking out loud here...

The defense – OK, we were much improved here at the beginning of the season. But we went from giving up 11 points per game in that fun little 6-0 start to giving up 26 points per game while going 2-8. No real injuries to point at, so... WTF happened???

Discipline – Sure, nobody is bigger than the team. But suspending your all-pro WR and damn awesome but underutilized TE when the playoffs are on the line for no real reason? I don't get it. Is it true that nobody is bigger than the team, or is it just the PLAYERS that aren't bigger than the team? Looks like Coach Mac thinks he's bigger than anyone. Must be the hoodie.

With that said, I say Packers and effing Chargers play for the title. Hate the Chargers, but I have a weird feeling the bastards are about to take it all. DAMMIT!

Winter time means I don't care about baseball. Wait... I don't care about baseball in the summer either!

What about the NBA you ask? I've completely given up on basketball all together for a few reasons. First, the players are babies and thugs that can pretty much get away with murder no matter how stern Stern is. Gilbert Arenas will be made an example of, with good reason! He first had guns in his locker, then Tweeted about it in jest, and then made handgun hand jesters to his teammates before a game. So what can the commissioner really do that will change anyone's actions in the future? Nothing – sorry. Second, I can't take the refs. Pathetic isn't harsh enough to describe the way games are called. I want to watch athletes play basketball, not old bald men bringing games to a screeching halt by making ticky-tack calls to get their ugly mug on TV.

However, I am pretty pumped to watch some hockey now because I really don't care much about the NFL playoffs when my team isn't there. Besides, hockey players are the most amazing athletes on earth. Plus, the majority of them are humble, dedicated, family-oriented, down-to-earth guys. And how many do you hear about that are in trouble with the law? Name one that was busted with pot, or guns, or has 8 kids all with different moms...

Oh, and spring means lacrosse season! YAY!!!

Resolutions for 2010 and Honoring 2009!

Yep, I'm a few days late...

Resolutions:

Write more and more and more...
Get my Evil Monkey Gadgets web site up, running and profitable.
No more fast food. Really. Ever.
Exercise? Guh – yes. Finding time with a toddler is difficult, but maybe Katy and I can work out some compromise in the evenings.
Get to Freak Train more often. I love that place, and I have too many ideas to stay away, including some guest appearances (human, not puppet).
Play my guitar more.
Take this boy out to fly a kite.

Honoring 2009:

Honor Brittany Murphy by watching Drop Dead Gorgeous over and over again.
Honor Tiger Woods by playing golf at least once this year, not by banging a Perkins hostess. I mean, really? At least it wasn't a Denny's...
Learn to moon walk better.
Completely give up on the NBA. Finally.
Have pictures taken with my hair feathered and hard nipples showing and selling them as posters.
No longer putting baby in the corner.
When I'm driving and not sure if I should turn or not, then I make up my mind and say, “I think I'll just go straight,” only to see a sign that says, “No U Turn,” so I turn... (Good luck with that one)
Play my guitar a lot more.
Watch at least one John Hughes movie every month – shouldn't be difficult to do at ALL!

Here We Go Again!

It's the beginning of the year, and yet again I am about to post on my blog. I usually sit there and SWEAR that I'm going to commit to writing more and posting on a regular or semi-regular basis. But then there's this FaceBook thing that keeps getting in the way. Will I post more often? Maybe. Does anyone really care? Probably not. Can I keep asking myself questions only to vaguely answer them in the following sentence? Stay tuned!

Ah, the FaceBook thing. So easy and addictive. It's an amazing little creation that has helped me find people I never thought I'd hear from again. Funny how annoyed I get when their chat is slow and funky and pictures don't upload perfectly. So spoiled! It's also forced a few connections that I have politically accepted. Is that wrong? OK, I won't answer that one. But I love the stupid site and I love posting pictures of that awesome little boy of mine, which is why those pictures are all on FaceBook and not on the blog.

A little more reflection... I am a bit concerned about some of my friends being unemployed, and I'd love to do anything I can to help. Honestly. I've been through layoffs quite a bit and it's very painful and frustrating. I've also met and caught up with some great people this year who are in business for themselves, and I'd like to remind you over and over to support them when and if you can. We're all just trying to survive right now, ya know? So...

Pam de Jong was just let go from the same employer that dumped Katy in June. However, Pam has a few little side businesses that might be of interest. She put together a great little travel site in case you want to get away: http://www.LetsGoThatWay.com. She also does “those” parties, so check out http://passion.pammyjean.com.

Did I mention “those” parties? Amazing I know more than one person that does this, so if you're more of a slumber party girl than a passion party girl, enter Marne Lowell. She is a friend from way back in high school who lives about 3 miles from me RIGHT NOW yet I never see here – ever – not even at DazBog or slumming at Wal-Mart. Anyway, you can see her dirty stuff here: http://www.slumberpartiesbymarne.com.

Here's a segue for ya: need your carpet cleaned? Again, ironically, I know 2 carpet cleaners! Brian Moss and I used to jam together in high school, and he owns Castle Rock Carpet Care. Also, Scott Cox is the president of The Springs Carpet and Tile Care, and has cleaned our carpets before – in other words, he's not tied to the Springs. You can find Scott at http://www.thespringscarpet.com.

Michelle Peterson and I met through a mutual friend, and Michelle is a great person. Not only that, but she has an artistic flair that is pretty amazing! She makes jewelry and vases with glass, and you can see some of her stuff at http://www.avibranthue.com.

Hungry for a cupcake? Why not make it a gourmet cupcake made by one of my co-workers, Jenny Dumala? Jenny is very creative and makes awesome cupcakes, which I know from scarfing down. You can see her designs and contact her at http://www.perfectserendipity.com.

It may be early in the year, but it's late in the evening so I am going to call it. I am just scratching the surface here, so please don't be offended if I “missed” you. In fact, tell me if I missed you! Look, we're all just trying to get by and support ourselves and our families, or possibly just trying to follow a dream. Why not try to give each other a lift?

Musicians Jumping the Shark

“Jumping the Shark” is a term originally used for failing TV shows, where ratings are down and the show does something absurd to try to get viewers back. Specifically, it points directly to the Fonz jumping his motorcycle over a shark near the bitter end of the TV series Happy Days. However, while driving around town and listening to my iPod on beloved shuffle play, my wife and I recognized a few rock bands' shark jumping tunes. So, I decided to put together a list of said songs in no particular order (OK, sort of alphabetical after a few). As always, I'd love to see comments and welcome any songs I may have missed as most of this comes from my personal collection:

Mr. Roboto – Styx. Seriously! If there ever was a band that took things in a horrendous direction, it was Styx with this craptastic song. It was cheesy from day one.

Jump – Van Halen. Even with Diamond Dave at the mic, this song made them look like a bunch of wussies. Although the rest of the album 1984 was pretty decent, Jump was certainly not a typical VH tune, thus leading to the departure of David Lee Roth and Van Hagar was (gack) born! Anyone remember the Gary Cherone months?

The Unforgiven – Metallica. Just as Metallica was hitting their underground, speed metal peak, the Black Album came out. The true Metallica fans (myself included) went to the midnight release, all pumped up to hear what we've been waiting for since ...And Justice For All. The songs on this album were short and sweet – not a typical Metallica album at all, and then there was this, um, ballad. Metallica is not a ballad band! Or, at least they weren't until they decided the Black Album needed to be commercially successful, and it was, which disappointed the majority of their fans, but made the band HUGE. They put out a few more albums afterward including Load and Reload (AKA, the crap that wasn't good enough to go on Load, but they were feeling lazy). Next thing you know, they were playing with a symphony and bassist Jason Newsted had enough and left. The band attempted to go back to their garage roots with St. Anger, which was pretty good, but their producer Bob Rock filled in on bass, which hurt. Better than the album is the documentary Some Kind of Monster, the story of the band recording St. Anger. Metallica is now trying to please all with Death Magnet. The jury is still out.

You're the Inspiration – Chicago. These guys were pretty cool for a while, and even had some rocking tunes (25 or 6 to 4 is still one of my favies, and it pissed me off that Green Day stole the riff for Brain Stew), but this ballad made the band, well, lame as crap. Why is it always the ballads that kill the bands? Speaking of which...

I Want to Know What Love Is – Foreigner. Because the album 4 was so awesome, they were forgiven for Waiting for a Girl Like You. However, the next album Agent Provocateur, produced this awful ballad with the cheese-ball gospel choir singing and clapping in the background during the video. It was all downhill after that.

We Built This City – Starship. In a desperate attempt to go from psychedelic 60's to trendy 80's, Starship (formerly Jefferson Starship, formerly Jefferson Airplane) went for the pastel colors and a just plain awful song that we all could have lived without.

Abracadabra – Steve Miller Band. Known mostly as one of the best (OK, one of my favorite) classic rock bands, the 80's yet again destroyed a good band. Why try to blend when you already stand out?

A Tout Le Monde – Megadeth. No idea what Dave Mustaine was thinking here, but the album Youthanasia produced this painful “ballad” where Dave sings the chorus in French. The band's real downfall was the “alternative” album Risk, which lead to the firing of Marty Freidman – the best guitarist Dave ever worked with and a HUGE overreaction on his part (later, he would make a bigger mistake by dumping bassist Dave Ellefson) and the band has never been the same. Not willing to let this horrible single die like it should, Megadeth released the song yet again on an album called United Abominations (appropriate) as a duet with Cristina Scabbia of the band Lacuna Coil. It didn't help.

Cryin' – Aerosmith. This classic rock band somehow adapted into the 80's (Permanent Vacation is still one of my all-time favorite records) and 90's, but the ballad did in yet another great artist. Not even a video with jail-baitress Alicia Silverstone could help this lame track!

Kokomo – the Beach Boys. Making vacationers vomit across the globe.

Uptown Girl – Billy Joel. OK, Billy, we get it. Yer nailing the hottest girl on the planet (at the time). But did you have to write her the cheesiest song on the planet? I'm surprised she didn't divorce him right then and there. Why wait?

Amanda – Boston. The album Third Stage was relatively weak to begin with, and this (yet another) ballad didn't help. Although I did play it on my guitar for my German class in 11th grade for some reason...

Drive – the Cars. Do you see a theme here? Yep – another ballad kills a band. Ric Ocasek left after this album and the rest of the band currently greet people at Wal-Mart's all over Boston.

Don't Be Cruel – Cheap Trick. Here's a new trend – trying to re-establish the band with a quirky cover tune. And it never works.

Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) – Green Day. Didn't these guys used to be a punk band that sang with fake British accents? When did they turn into a bunch of acoustic guitar strumming pansies? Oh, right here!

Love Bites – Def Leppard. And so does this song! I know they've overcome a ton of tragedies, but that's no excuse for exposing us to this rotten ballad.

Are You Experienced – Devo. Even my heroes tried to make themselves relevant again with a crappy cover. Fortunately, after disappearing for a long time, they are making an ultra-cool comeback, with some classics and NEW songs featured in ads (don't mention the Swifer commercial), a few tours this decade, and even a new album this fall!

Layla – Eric Clapton. The only artist I can think of that took his OWN awesome, classic song, remade it and ruined it completely!

Hold Me – Fleetwood Mac. Christine McVie is the Devil with bangs and should have stayed quietly hidden behind the piano.

Land of Confusion – Genesis. Yes, I love me some puppets. However, this song (and video) may have been cool for about 5 minutes. This was a sign that Phil Collins was destroying this avant garde band systematically, only so he could write songs for Disney movies that are complete rubbish. Not that Sussudio wasn't painful enough...

Vacation – the Go-Go's. Didn't they LITERALLY jump a shark in this video? I just remember the matching outfits as they water skied around. They had some great songs (Head Over Heels is one of my favorites), but this wasn't one of them!

Jeopardy – Greg Kihn. Sometimes when Weird Al parodies your song it's a compliment. Sometimes.

November Rain – Guns N' Roses. GnR was on top of the world when they released their much anticipated Use Your Illusion albums. OK, so they thought their poop was ice cream. Axl was so conceded that he thought he could write a power ballad, so he shat out this gem of a painful tune. It wasn't ice cream and it took him almost 20 years to get his poop together and put out another album.

What About Love? - Heart. What about you stick to your old rockin' selves and give us another Barracuda?

Come Dancing – the Kinks. Because when I think You Really Got Me, Lola and All Day and All of the Night, I think of ballroom dancing.

Lick it Up – Kiss. I'm just going to say this once: never should have taken the makeup off! Especially when your guitarist looks like Vinnie Vincent. Not that Ace Frehley was better looking, but still. It's not so much that the SONG destroyed the band here, but the whole concept of letting people see the band without makeup on this album pretty much destroyed the entire image they had built and they were never the same.

When It's Over – Loverboy. ...And it was.

The Impression That I Get – The Mighty Mighty Bosstones. One of the coolest underground ska/punk bands IMO went commercial. Bad idea, even though the public bought it. See, the issue (yet again) is that when a band does this, their true fans get pissed and kind of disown them for selling out. Sure they get some success, but it's always short-lived. So, now they've alienated their fan base and the people that got into them for their commercial success are on to the next new thing. Say goodnight.

Hello, I Love You – Missing Persons. Goodbye, we miss you. Another bad cover helps the band commit suicide.

Home Sweet Home – Motley Crue. Why God WHY? Vince Neil “playing” piano? Somehow the metal heads ate up this horrible ballad with a piano riff written by a 4-year-old. I think the original lyrics were, “I'm on my way / home sweet home / but I'm really drunk / I think I just ran over a guy / on my way / home sweet home!”

Sister Christian – Night Ranger. Unfortunately, this great hard rock band is known for this song. They had SO much more to offer! Jeff Watson and Brad Gillis were two of the best dueling guitarists at the time. Songs like (You Can) Still Rock in America, Eddie's Coming Out Tonight and Touch of Madness were AWESOME. In addition, Don't Tell Me You Love Me has always been one of my favorite songs ever! The guitar solo still gives me goose bumps! Yet, everyone knows them for this lame ballad.

Stand – REM. Quite possibly the dumbest and most annoying song ever written.

Under the Bridge – Red Hot Chili Peppers. Again, a punk band goes commercial. Flea's talent was totally wasted on a song like this – dude is one of the greatest bass players of his time.

Wind of Change – Scorpions. These winds changed this rock band, who actually did some cool ballads before this, into just another wimpy has-been metal band trying to gain commercial success with yet another bad ballad. Which was pretty depressing to me, because I had to buy World Wide Live 3 times on cassette in high school as I kept wearing it out in my car!

With or Without You – U2. I was into these guys early, when they had one-word album titles (War, Boy, October) and a very original sound. Then they went downhill and became a huge success. Maybe it's me?

Is This Love – Whitesnake. No, it's just a crappy ballad!

Keep it COMING!

...That's what she said...

No, I mean GO NUGGETS! Yeah! That's what I meant.

Something about the pained look on Kobe's face made me very happy. How does it feel, Kobe? Like someone took something from you without your permission? Possibly forced you to give it up? Huh???

Like a nerd, I'm on Twitter. However, it helps me keep up with a brilliant columnist I kinda forgot about. He hates the Lakers too.

I don't get the whole Lady Gaga thing. Is she a model or a musician? Are we supposed to admire her for her freakish fashion sense, or because she recorded a typical dance track? I'm lost.

Ooooohhhh! Lost season finale was AWESOME! Jacob - dead? How many Locke's are there? Did the bomb stop the plane from crashing? How could a bomb set off in 1977 stop a plane from crashing in 2004? Ah, what a show! JJ Abrams is a freakin GOD! Fringe is awesome as well - perfectly fills the hole left years ago by the X Files. And, for our 11th wedding anniversary, KT and I are off to see the new Star Trek - by Abrams! After all, what would our anniversary be without a sci-fi movie date?

McG is behind the new Terminator film. I wasn't too interested in it until I realized that. Dude rocked the Charlie's Angels films!

It's OK to love yer pets... A man in WY sucked snake venom out of his dog's nose after the dog was bitten by a rattler. Almost killed both of them, and cost the owner $3500 in antivenin. I'd say something about spending that much on a dog, but my bionic dog has 2 titanium knees that cost us over $4000.

Remember that teacher who had an affair with her 6th grade student? Yes, a woman and a 12-year-old. Her name is Mary Kay Letourneau and, in keeping with her white-trash mentality, she hosted a "Hot for Teacher" night at a bar in Seattle. That's class! If yer not creeped out enough yet, she met her future husband when he was in 2nd grade. Who threw up in their mouth right there?

Is that a banana in your... A man dressed in an ape suit tried to steal a banana display in Wisconsin. And I thought seeing a guy in a chicken suit sing Karaoke Sinatra was weird.