Thursday, March 29, 2007

I Just Couldn't Help Myself!

Blame the hair metal XM station, but I had to post this:

Could 1984 get any cooler? Ahhh!

Sunday, March 25, 2007

What is Wrong With US?

This rant has been a long time coming.

What finally pushed me over the edge was a Taco Bell commercial I heard on the radio Friday while carpooling with my wife. I can’t remember exactly what tacorritolupa they were promoting, but apparently it comes with "EXTREME CHEDDAR CHEESE!" I turned to my wife and yelled, "I don’t think I can eat that - the cheddar cheese is too extreme! I can’t handle it!" But wait, the hot sauce is "INTENSE!" "What am I gonna do about the intense hot sauce? Maybe the cheddar can help? But NO - IT’S TOO EXTREME!!!"

Is this seriously what we’ve come to? Does everything have to be over-the-top, in-your-face, to-the-EXTREME? What happened to subtlety?

The attention span in this country is pathetic. The creativity is completely gone, and unless someone is screaming in our faces, nobody will listen. It’s not just advertising either; everything that is considered entertainment has to be shoved down our throats. But before I move on, I have to complain about two TV ads that literally piss me off beyond belief! First is the local country radio station, KYGO. I have this commercial memorized and I don’t want to! The pitches from their "customers" combined with the music that makes me think their listeners are borderline retarded keeps me up at night. How can people listen to and purchase a song called "Honky Tonk Padunkadunk?" Is this the "My Humps" for 2007? The other commercial is for Coors Light. This ad features numerous people in an apartment building and they are sweating profusely because the air conditioning is out, so the superintendent makes certain rooms turn on/off lights to form the Coors Light logo on the outside of the building and a train comes through with ice cold beer! Why am I seeing super models in a building having issues with their air conditioning when it’s three degrees outside? I want them to die, I’m not gonna lie. Then again, I’m sure their diet of crackers, celery and cigarettes will kill them shortly anyway.

Sports: Remember when the Super Bowl was simply a game that was broadcasted nationally? Now the NFL has decided they need 2 full weeks of hype to run 300 hours of mind-numbing programming that means absolutely nothing. Hell, the "pre-game" show starts 10 hours before kick-off and includes an interview with some guy who went to the same elementary school as the third string quarterback. Just stop already! The halftime shows suck, and the expensive ads haven’t been worth a crap since Mean Joe Green! And where did all of the ridiculous competitions for the NBA All-Star Weekend come from? Do I really want to watch some WNBA girl launching balls from mid-court? Can anyone recognize the players participating in the Slam Dunk Competition? Ya know, I witnessed the first ever dunk competition live and in person. Just bragging. My point is, why can’t this just be another fun game with no defense?

Music: Where does Denver rank as far as US cities when you take into account population, growth, etc.? Top 10-15 probably? So why can’t we have a decent radio station that plays new, progressive music instead of 1) Top 40, 2) Classic Rock, or 3) Corporate Hard Rock? That’s all we get! If you want to learn about new music where people actually write their own songs and play instruments, then you better read Otherwise, we’re just going to shove Carrie Underwood and KT Tunstall up yer ass! Denver is far and away the worst radio city in the US of A!

Movies: I’ve been more disappointed with Hollywood over the last few years than I can remember. Maybe I’m maturing, because I used to be entertained by just about anything in a theater. But now, I’m pretty picky and I’m close to refusing to see anything that is considered to be a blockbuster. War of the Worlds, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and whatever else came out over the last 2-3 summers have been so flat and horribly written that I felt ripped off when I left the theater. I actually rented the Fantastic 4 last summer and seriously almost turned it off 4 fantastic times. This film was so pathetic that I didn’t even care how it ended, and it even starred one of the hottest women in Hollywood in Jessica Alba. Not even her presence in spandex could hold my interest. Now they are coming out with a sequel? God help us! Fortunately, every once in a while, Hollywood does something right, like releasing Reign Over Me with Don Cheadle and Adam Sandler, written by Mike Binder. I’m recommending it for anyone who wants to see a well-written and thought-provoking movie. It’s hardly an Adam Sandler comedy, that’s for sure. But, surprise world, Sandler can act!

The Media: Last week we accidentally received a copy of People Magazine in the mail and I thumbed through it. It seriously made me want to puke like a super model after lunch! The way the paparazzi invades the privacy of people/celebrities who are simply trying to take their child out for some fresh air is absolutely despicable. How could anyone ever want to be famous? Ironically, the magazine ran a letter from a reader that week that asked them to leave the Royal Family alone, "Didn’t you people learn anything from Diana’s death?" I guess not! I feel so sorry for the people of this country that get caught up in the likes of Paris Hilton. They should at least have an infatuation with a rock star, or someone that has DONE something or CREATED something. I may pick on my wife a little for her obsession with Ed Kowalczyk from the band Live, but at least the guy writes songs, plays an instrument and sings. He has a talent that she can admire. The way America is becoming enamored with rich, spoiled people is very disturbing to me. Shows like "My Sweet Sixteen" scare the living crap out of me! (FYI, I’m writing this with EXTRA on my TV in the background. Hello, irony!) Also, Nicole Richie has never done anything in her life to make people give a crap about who she is and why she exists, but something is driving ragazines to run an ass-ton of pictures and articles about her. And the more people see or hear about her, for some God forsaken reason, the more they crave for details about her. It’s the same method for selling music: push it until we’ve heard it so many times that we can’t help but start humming along.

For those of you who are loyal readers of this silly blog for the last few years, this article may come as a surprise to you. After all, I used to THRIVE on making fun of famous people and keeping up with pop culture. But now, it’s all starting to make me queasy! I want subtle creativity; I don’t want to be force-fed garbage. 98% of everything you see and hear is absolute crap, so good luck searching out for the other 2%! Tell you what, go to Freak Train and see some people who actually work hard and care about their craft. It is on Monday, 3/26 this week and Derek and I will be there, because we are sweet!

Monday, March 19, 2007

Yeah-Yeah, Yeah-Yeah!

Click it - it gets bigger! That's what she said!

Saturday, March 17, 2007

80 MPH A-Hole!

So I'm heading down I-25 at around 80, since the speed limit is 75 there, and I see this guy behind me trying to get by. OK, I'm in the left lane, right behind the car in front of me, and we're passing others like we're supposed to. However, the guy behind me needs to be going 90, I guess, so he jumps all the way over to the far right lane, then into the middle. Now he's basically right next to me and I just KNOW he's coming over. I wait a second, he doesn't move, so I accelerate. Right then he comes over and nearly hits me. I saw it coming, so I was able to slow down, but we're still going like 78 and almost hit bumpers! So I give him a honk for coming over without looking, just to let him know I was there - AND HE GOES FREAKIN' NUTS! He's flipping me off and screaming at me! I think he's going to slam on his brakes to make me rearend him and he'd get to replace his 1994 Stratus, so I get into the middle lane. He slows down and is screaming at me and pointing and flipping me off. I see a young boy in the front seat and I'm thinking that kid is going to turn out to be one outstanding citizen with a role model like this! So I decide to point at this guy and back to myself while mouthing, "YOU cut ME off." OK, now I've done it! Apparently he thinks that means I want to pull over and fight him on the highway. He slows down and gets into the emergency lane, and I'm thinking he's got a flat tire - karma is working quickly. But the he speeds back up and rolls his window down and keeps screaming at me. Unfortunately, I had to get off at the next exit so I got into the far right lane and he just kept going.

I think I made a friend today!

Sunday, March 11, 2007

How Cool is Derek?

The Son of Cheese himself, Derek Knight made me this cool thing! Now I have myself a new header! (Click it - it grows like Paris Hilton's ego!)

Ya gotta love them there graphic artist guys!

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Roller Derby, Yo!

Yeah, I was there! Yer darn right!

So I guess the roller derby is making a comeback! How do I know? Because some nice, um, TALL girl who attends Freak Train on a regular basis is on a team called the Rocky Mountain Roller Girls and she asked me to perform at halftime of one of the bouts. Now, I'm a little cautious about things like this! I told her I'd like to check it out once to see what it was like - essentially make sure that I wouldn't get my ass kicked if I pulled out a puppet in the middle of this crowd.

All I can say is, "YIKES!"

I'm not sure what this girl expected from me - maybe some standup comedy - but anything involving puppets would go over like Michael Jackson at a skin heads rally! And there were children there, so I'd have to censor SOME of the comedy I do. It's mostly not that bad, but then again some guy was wearing a shirt asking you literally eat Uncle Ed so...

But the derby was fun! The rink isn't raised or anything, but the kitchiness of it all is pretty entertaining - goofy names for the girls (Fanny Fister was my favorite), 24 oz Pabst in a can, etc. The band at halftime, the Royal Dead, was a kick to listen to as well. Maybe I will perform there sometime, but I'd need suggestions from all y'all on what I'd do. The girl, whose derby name is Assaultin' Pepa, really wants me to do something there and she sent me their home schedule - she even gave me free tickets! The matches go throughout the summer, so we'll see.
Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!