Wednesday, April 26, 2006

EMPLOYED!!!


WOOT! I have just been offered a job as a Jr. Product Marketing Manager at Alternative Technology and I’m a-takin’ it! I start on Monday (eek!) and I can’t wait. I’m going to miss Maury like herpes in remission.

Mmm – tastes just like chicken! A man in Tokyo was tired of his mom telling to get a job so he killed her, cut her into pieces, and started to grill up some parts. I know Japanese people eat weird food, but DAMN! FYI, my mother never pressured me to this point while I wan looking for work. I’m actually not sure how it can ever get to this point!

John Lennon speaks! Some freaks performed a séance and claim to have contacted the first dead Beatle. What does he want? Peace. He said to give peace a chance. Yeah, we already knew that, but at least they got some publicity for something absolutely pointless. I contacted Mr. Rogers last night and he said that it’s all about the children. See? Two can play at this game!

While I’m here, how in the hell do you name a character on a kids’ show "Mr. McFeely?" Watch those hands there speedy delivery boy!

Merry Christmas! Wait, it’s only April. Then who’s in the chimney? Oh, it’s creepy naked Michael Urbano. Michael locked himself out of his house so, naturally, he took off all of his clothes and tried to slither down the chimney. There are certainly places on my naked body that I try to avoid rubbing against cement at all costs. Ouch!

Big naturals in China. There’s been a sudden boom in the sales of D-sized bra cups in China.

"It's so different from the past when most young women would wear A- or B-cup bras," Triumph brand saleswoman Zhang Jing told the Shanghai Daily from the Landmark Plaza of China's commercial hub. "You...never expect those thin women to have such nice figures if they are not plastic." (Source: AP News)

Apparently the extended chest size has been credited to Chinese women eating more nutritious food. Well, YAY!

Bleh! Iowa police are trying to figure out who is leaving large trash bags containing vomit in ditches around near Mount (not so) Pleasant. Is there a new modeling agency there?

This guys lawn sucks! A man in NY walked outside to get his paper after 2 days of rain and his yard gave way sucking him down into a cesspool. Hey – he’s got a pool in his yard! His son and neighbor also got sucked in, but managed to get out eventually thanks to the local fire department. Ya know, if I’m ever going to fall into a hole, I hope it’s a hole full of human waste.

Finally, Kenyon Martin can go cry to his mamma!

Wacky Video Wednesday!

In case you haven't noticed, it's time for playoff hockey!

Sunday, April 23, 2006

I'm SO Proud of Myself!


Because I went potty all by myself today! No, wait, that’s not it! I’ve been honored to represent the entire USA West in a Stanley Cup Roundtable discussion on CBC.ca! Yup, I was asked to join this panel:

On the panel we have: representing Canada West, Tyler Dellow of mc79hockey.com; representing Canada East, Chris McMurtry of Hockey Country; representing USA West, Patrick Angello of Colorado Avalanche Blog; and, representing USA East, David Lee of Red and Black Hockey.

Does this mean I am one of the two best hockey bloggers in the entire USA? Why, yes. Yes it does. Anyway, to check out the discussions, follow this link here: CBC Stanley Cup Roundtable. Damn – I rock, yo!

Also, don’t forget to get Freaky on Monday at the Bug Theatre. It’s Ashley’s last show, so no excuses for not attending! $5 gets you in, the beer is free, and you get to see some weird people get on stage and do bizarre things. Like, seriously bizarre! Hey, I may even get up there and do a lil’ sumpin–sumpin!

Sports weekend wrap up:

  • Avs – YAY!
  • Nuggets – BOO!
  • Rockies – Who cares?
  • Jagr – WAAHHH!!!
  • Hurricanes – WTF?
  • Duke LAX - $$$$$!

Celebrities are freaks. Like I’m telling you something you don’t know, but I would never want to be in their shoes. Brad and Angelina went all the way to Namibia to escape the lurking press in the US, and apparently there is a $5 MILLION offer for the first pic of Tom and Katie’s spawn, Suri. This is the same press that called TomKat (I love these stupid single names for celeb couples!) the most over-exposed couple of 2005. Do people really care about the kid these two had? And what kind of "religion" is Scientology if illegitimate kids are perfectly accepted? Someone call Chef and find out what the official ruling is on this issue.

No such thing as little green men? Scientist have recently proved that mars may have supported a microbe life form BARELY and about 3.5 billion years ago. So, if that’s the case, exactly who probed Uncle Bubba?

On the next COPS! A man in PA has been accused of lewd behavior for allegedly sending his neighbor a nude picture of himself and sending her messages saying he was naked in her yard – and he’s a deputy sheriff! Seriously, how stupid can you be? After some of the things my cousins have done, I’m thinking there’s something kinky in the PA water supply.

You don’t want to know, but I’ll tell you if you ask. Not here. I'll give you a HINT!

Was it a Sex Ed class? A couple of 8th graders in Alabama were expelled for showing a porno DVD in their class while their teacher was facing the other way and grading papers. It could be an educational film, I suppose. Maybe they were just trying to learn their cousins something?

Wha? A carpenter in California thought he should keep his clothes clean so he works naked. When his client came home early, handyman was arrested for indecent exposure. Um, what if the hammer slips? Eek!

Esther? Damn near KILLED her! A 76-year-old woman in San Antonio, Esther Gomez, has been arrested for selling black-tar heroin out of her home. Wow! Her grandkids thought she was the coolest grandma EVER!

Do you smell something? Utility workers in NC accidentally (I would hope) blasted 3000 gallons of raw sewage into a couple’s home. Bleh! Apparently this was a grease clog blast gone wrong. I’m thinking it’s just a late, great April Fool’s Day joke. NOT FUNNY!

Worst shot EVER! A man in Oregon tried to commit suicide with a nail gun, but he failed. However, he had 12 nails embedded into his head. If you REALLY want to kill yourself, but you’re too dumb to succeed, I think the government should step in and give you a lethal injection. Let’s call it controlled natural selection.

Walt? A man was found floating on a raft made from oil barrels and planks out in the waters between Denmark and Norway. He claimed he was thrown from a ship and wanted to go to NYC. Tony Soprano refused to comment.

At least he’s funny! Aristocrats god and Aflack spokesman, Gilbert Gottfried, has been voted the least sexy man alive. Mick Mars was PISSED!

Keep yer panties on! The University of Baylor has banned students from posing for Playboy in their upcoming "Women of the Big 12" issue. Meanwhile, the University of Colorado officials said, "Go for it! What’s it gonna do – taint our image? Too freakin’ late my friends!"

Why didn’t I think of that? A 76-year-old man in Miami went door-to-door offering free breast exams. Somehow, a few women actually fell for it!

One woman became suspicious after the man asked her to remove all her clothes and began conducting a purported genital exam without donning rubber gloves, investigators said.

So the old man offering a free breast exam at you door wasn’t something that made you suspicious to begin with? One woman said he looked official because he had a black doctor’s bag. I have a guitar, but that doesn’t make me Dave Mustaine.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

I am SO SORRY!


I know y'all we're just frothing at the mouth - waiting for me to get "back to work" here on the blog, but I've been, ya know, busy this week. I could have good news in the near future, but it's keeping me a little occupied for now. I will get some more, um, stuff on the blog here this weekend. In the meantime, get yer ass to the Bug Theatre on Monday night and check out yet another Freak Train performance by yours truly! It's $5 to get in, the beer is free, and it's Ashley's last night of hosting. Ya gotta go just to give her a hard time. The Bug is located on 37th and Navajo - doors open at 7, show starts at 8, and if I'm not funny, I'll give you, um, a hug?

Wacky Video Wednesday! On THURSDAY!

OK, so I kinda forgot. Anyway, here's a little something to get you over the Easter weekend. Just remember, the Easter Bunny hates you:

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

A Few More MN Pics...














There's Jenny and I not quite ready for a picture, but hanging out at Grammy's apartment.















That's KT's mom Nancy (Nana) and Jenny's mom Melody taking inventory of Grammy's nick-knacks.















That would be Jenny's dad Carl and sister Jodi.















Grammy chillin' at her pad, yo!















Jenny? Drinking? I-I never thought I'd see that! Can you smell that? That's sarcasm!















Jodi and Jenny trying to take a nice sister picture, then Katy's sister Julie had to jump in. I'm guessing she thought it was a picture of everyone whose name started with a "J"















Aren't we adorable? What the hell with Julie again?















Grammy welcoming her friends to the party. I think was the point where Jenny and I started to play "Wig or not a Wig."















Melody made this lovely quilt to keep Grammy's legs warm. Isn't that sweet?















Nana and her mommy!















That would be Julie's son Benjamin and his cousin once removed Jessica. Her birthday was on Easter, which is the same holiday I was born on. Something tells me she doesn't trust Benny...















Julie and her other son George. He was so tired at dinner he was literally eating with his eyes closed!















Katy's brother John and his daughter Alysse, AKA niece Alysse. We had been waiting about 45 minutes for dinner after the kids got theirs, so we were all a little grumpy.















I have no clue who these people are - may not have even been at our table - but I LOVE the look on that woman's face!















Grammy opening her presents. Katy gave her that scrapbook and had everyone write a little not to her on a small piece of paper. She'll later put it all together with pictures so Grammy has a great keepsake for her 95th.

Back to our regularly scheduled programming starting tomorrow.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

...And We're BAACCKK!!!

KT and I have returned from our trip to Fergus Falls Minnesota! Oh, and did we have fun! So much fun, that I've got pictures for ya!

We went to the Minneapolis/St. Paul airport via St. Louis. Hey, you can't argue with free tickets thanks to the vouchers we got for self-bumping when we went to NC. Anyway, for some reason, the idiot at the gate in STL kept calling it Mini-AN-Apolis when we were bording the plane. I know it's not that funny, but it gets better.














We were in Fergus Falls to visit this cute little lady for her 95th birthday. This is KT's Grammy, and she's as sharp as a tack. she knows everyone's name, and there were about 35 of us visiting her this weekend! Also, apparently, she likes to be tickled.




















In the hotel, there was an entire magazine about Fergus Falls! So, just for you, I brought one home and scanned some pics out of it so you would see (almost) exactly what you missed! Oh, and if you click on the images, they grow like my belly in a starch-filled environment!




















Hey, it's the Fergie Falls Mayor! Even his email address! Why don't you send him an email and tell him how much fun we had in his little town?




















Oh, we played alright! And if you look closely on the bottom right picture, you can see the giant otter statue!













Muttin bustin' kicks ass no matter where you live!













They even have trails for one-legged kids to hop down!














Does it get any better than the Fleet Farm? I don't think so! In fact, that silo right there is filled with all the raw grain you can stomach for just $4.95!












OK, everybody off the floating Lego! OH, that reminds me, we went to the Mall of America and got to see Lego Land! WOOT! That place is, ya know, BIG!








Do you see that? That's downtown Fergus Falls! Don't blink...













Got any plans for early September? Great - then come to FF for the 53rd Annual Lake Region Pioneer Thresherman's Association Show! They have tractors and stuff!
















Sorry kids, but there's no escaping the gawky teen years - even in MN!















Mike Tice is still trying to recover from the Vikings Love Cruise.


















Wow, they teach the kids how to be pervy little peeping Toms early!


















Is it just me or does this kid look bored out of his freakin' mind?




















There was a terrible toxic waste accident in the Otter Tail River. Oh, and they have a street called "Goose Drop Drive!" Heh!




















Frostbite Festival? Um, NO THANKS! I like my limbs, even my alien toe.


OK, so that's it for FF - but here's some more little pics!














Hey, it was Melody's birthday too! She's Katy's cousin, and the mommy of Jenny who picked us up at the airport and let us stay at her place on Thursday. Hell, Jenny was our cabby all week long!















It's the whole fam damily! Can you find me? Oh, and see the little girl in the purple in the front? She's a DIRECT cousin of Melody above. Yep, a 50-year difference! They've got some effed up generations in this family... BTW, Jenny is just over the left shoulder of the guy in the striped shirt - I have no idea what his name is, but I'm sure Grammy could help me.















Aren't we cute? That was at Grammy's birthday dinner!

OK, so that's about it for now - I will post some more pics and better stories later. However, I did want to tell you that on our way back, as we sat waiting to board the plane from STL to Denver, we heard an announcement over the loud speaker:

"OK, final boarding call for American Airlines flight 5335 from St. Louis to Mini-AN-Apolis..."

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Ghandi!

Sorry, but I'm heading to MN! Katy's grandmother is turning 95 on Saturday! So read some of the blogs on the right to stay entertained until I return.

C-YUH!

Wacky Video Wednesday!

Well, you've seen ME perform to the song, so now you can check out the BRILLIANT video for Morningwood's Nth Degree!

Monday, April 10, 2006

PAFC Newsletter, 4/10/06


What did we do today? Well, we went for a little walk and played in the fountain in DTC! Someone had a lot of fun, even though she’s too much of a wuss to swim in very far. However, the fountain has some kind of anti-algae chemical in it that makes her smell, well, better! It’s the cheapest bath in town!

Also, it’s Monday! YAY! That means a Random CD Review on the PAFC Music Blog! A little Soul Coughing anyone? Click HERE to read!

At LEAST 50 points! A 82-year-old woman received a $114 ticket for taking too long to cross the street. The officer cited her for obstructing traffic. OK, where are these officers when yer driving through an unsavory part of town and some (insert derogatory word for a less-fortunate person than yourself who is wearing some kind of skull cap and has one hand firmly attached to his crotch to keep his pants up, or whose roll of flab is protruding from between her 3-sizes too small t-shirt and designer jeans) strolls across the street, looking you up and down like they dare you to hit them? Some day, I just might take that dare. I just may be saving a convenience store managers life by doing it!

Wow, I think I just wrote my express ticket to hell right there. Aren’t there some mentally disabled people I can rip on around here?

On the next Maury! A woman is suing an Illinois breeding farm to see who the real father is – of her alpaca. One alpaca was quoted as saying, "All I know is that kid don’t look nuthin’ like me. Besides, Peruvian Lily of the Incas (that’s the mom) is a HO and everyone knows it!"

FYI, you know you've been unemployed too long when you are seeing repeats of Maury - and you're disappointed!

Whatever happened to 2-weeks of vacation?
A couple in Iowa went so far as filing an obituary for their 17-year-old son only to claim a few days off from work in December! I mean, at least start with a great aunt or something – not yer kid who was hanging out at a restaurant, obviously not dead. Iowans!

Old monkey! Hey, Cheeta, the chimp from the old Tarzan movies, is 74! He celebrated by throwing his crap at his keeper and then masturbating on his cake.

Poor Sue Storer! As if the British teacher didn’t have enough trouble with unruly kids, her chair in the classroom made a farting sound. And the school refused to replace it because she is a woman. And because it was HILARIOUS!

There’s no crying in baseball! A college baseball player from Rio Honda Community College in California was suing, well, everyone! The poor baby was hit by a pitch, so he sued the opposing school, the opposing school’s manager, HIS OWN school, the maker of the helmet he was wearing (it cracked) and Oprah. He lost. What’s next – football players suing for being tackled? Hockey goalies suing for slap shots being too hard? Basketball players suing for not being allowed to go into the crowd and open up a can of whoop-ass?

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Super GUH!

Chiroquacktor! Some flaky chiropractor claims he can treat people from, well, anywhere. Phone, fax, Internet – you name it, he can help. Whatever. James Burda of Ohio (hell no I won’t call him a doctor) has created a treatment called "Bahlaqeem."

"It is a made-up word and, to my knowledge, has no known meaning except for this intended purpose. It does, however, have a soothing vibrational influence and contains the very special number of nine letters," Burda's Web site says. The Web site describes the treatment as "a long-distance healing service (not a product) to help increase the quality of your life that can be performed in the privacy of your home or other personal space. There is no need to come to my office." (Source: AP News)

Cuh-RAZY! He also claims he discovered this ability by accident when he told his aching foot to realign and the pain MaGiCalLy went away. OK, freak – show’s over! So, if you have some pain, go visit the idiot here: http://www.bahlaqeem.com/

Oh, to those 25 or so of you that hit this site daily searching on "beer pong" please find a life. OK, so I once made fun of it, found a picture of people playing it on Google images, and posted that pic on this here blog. But if you’re too stupid to figure out how to play it, or desperately need to see a picture of it, then I suppose there is really no hope for humanity. Thanks for the confirmation. Also, I’d love to take advantage of y’all by selling a beer pong kit, but somebody beat me to it. However, I can offer you this stupid thing:



Beer Pong T-shirt

$14.99

Wow – I think that’s enough for now.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Sweet Day!


For starters, it’s been a rough week. I guess this unemployed thing and my 37th birthday kinda hit me hard on Monday and, well, we’ll just say it was a tough day. However, I did realize a few things that day.

  • I have a great family
  • I have great friends
  • I have the greatest wife in the world

Yesterday, for my birthday, I woke up and received breakfast in bed. From our dog. OK, not really, but sorta. My wife brought up yogurt and grapes. I know that doesn’t sound very exciting, but I wanted to save my proteins and starches for lunch and dinner. Hey, the yogurt had a candle in it and everything!

I opened the card and my wife wrote that she was taking the day off so we could spend the day together. That was a great surprise! She also bought me the Kelly Clarkson CD (SHUDDAP! I asked for it!), which I wanted mostly for the song Walk Away – mostly.

So I checked my email and got 4 e-cards! Thanks to Dejo, ML, Francine and Jerrilynn. You guys are awesome – totally didn’t expect it!

My wife and I then went off to visit my brother. He was painting the inside of a house and we were going to give him our old dishes. Oh yeah – my other gift from my wife, though she didn’t quite realize it at the time, was a new set of every day dishes! They are flat black and square. They ROCK! So, anyway, my brother TOTALLY got me on 4/1 by telling me he shaved his head and changed his look. He didn’t. And that was almost the only reason we wanted to see him! Anyway, he looks a little like Kenny Rogers right now, so we wouldn’t exactly complain if he, ya know, cut his hair a little.

Then it was off to the driving range. Let’s just say we both have a lot of work to do before we actually hit the links for real. Guh! But it was fun anyway.

After a quick weigh-in at LAWL, we went out for sushi! YAY! Actually, I had sushi the night before as well when we met Renee and her new boy Craig for dinner before the Avs game. Stinkin’ Avs lost, but kick-ass Craig bought us all sushi. Word!

Katy and I went home for a bit, and then went to see V for Vendetta thanks to a movie gift card from her dad and step-mom. The movie was actually pretty good, but I have a thing about characters who wear masks with a single expression. The Goblin in the first Spiderman movie totally bugged me. This one bugged a little, but I still really liked the flick.

We went home after the movie, but my wife had a meeting that night. I kissed her goodbye and headed to my parents house as they were taking me out to dinner at Del Frisco steak house. WOOT! After we were sitting there for about 5 minutes, my lovely wife came walking up to the table. Surprise number 2 – she ditched her meeting to have dinner with us! She’s even the president of the chapter and STILL skipped it for me. Awww! Dinner was awesome and my parents are the best.

So, that was about it. I just have to say, I feel truly blessed no matter what my current employment situation is, or lack thereof.

Thanks baby!

Thursday, April 06, 2006

W.W.B.D.


This here blog is pretty much Pat's show, so I rarely post here unless it's a special occasion. And today, April 6, is most definitely a special occasion. It's Patrick's 37th Birfday!

(Until Pat posted all those pictures, I kinda thought it was tomorrow -- but you know how these things go. Good thing I wrote this thing up ahead of time!)

While I often think of myself as a charter member of the Pat Angello Fan Club, in fact I was pretty late to arrive on the scene. Pat's brother Tony, and his sister Cynthia, became the original members when Pat arrived on the scene somewhere in Europe (Patrick rarely admits it, but it's true: he's really French). His parents joined up several weeks later, explaining the brief delay to an advertised "trial period," during which they were at a loss to explain why he was so inefficient at cleaning up crumbs on shag carpet. Their PAFC membership became official when they realized they mixed up his documentation with that of an Oreck vacuum they had purchased on April Fool's Day that year.

The "second generation" of the Pat Angello Fan Club started when his nephews, Ari and Danny, arrived on the scene. Predictably, Pat has corrupted all his nieces and nephews in the ensuing years. I am pretty sure they still sleep in Megadeth pajamas, at least that's what I am told.

Pat and I both lived in the Sundance Hills neighborhood in southeast Denver at more or less the same time. We had mutual friends, we roamed the streets of the neighborhood at night and performed debaucherous acts of hooliganism, and we frequented the neighborhood swimming pool. But we never knew each other. I am still at a loss to explain that. In any case, while he was living in the same neighborhood as I, Pat was amassing dozens of Pat Angello Fan Club members. I was not among them.

It would be several years before I became a member of the Pat Angello Fan Club. Pat went to Cherry Creek HS, where throngs of Fan Club members signed on the dotted line. I did not go to CCHS. Then he shipped himself of to Omaha, where he hung with the "Creighton Coolios." Lots of people signed up for the PAFC there, too. I patiently awaited my turn at PAFC glory.

Meanwhile, coincidentally, both Pat's parents and mine moved to a small development right next to Sundance. We still never met each other, despite the neighborhood containing just 20 homes. So it goes.

I finally got my chance to sign up for the PAFC when we were both hired to work at a local record store, CompactDiscovery. Both of us refer to those days as the "glory days" of our post-college employment, in spite of the fact we never really made any money. It was an awful lot of fun: two new friends quickly became best friends while pretending to know how to manage a retail establishment and listening to tons and tons of music. Did I mention we got lots of free stuff, too? Well, we did. That's why we called them the "glory days."

That was 15 years ago. I have since moved from Colorado to North Carolina, but I still consider myself a big member (heh, I typed... uh, never mind) of the Pat Angello Fan Club. Pat's wife, Katy, is probably more involved with the PAFC than I am (and that's the way it should be), but I like to think I'm a PAFC vice president of sorts. In fact, you can call me the Chancellor of the Exchequer of the Pat Angello Fan Club. That suits me fine.

I call Pat whenever I am bored (and he always answers the phone -- pretty cool, if you ask me, since most people I call don't bother to pick up). We email, we IM. We finish each other's sentences. And, like the dorks we are and were forever fated to be, we play XBox Live games until he gets too good at whatever game we're playing for me to enjoy myself anymore (which just happened in NHL 2K6, and which is in the process of happening in Links 2004).

Bottom line, here's the deal:

Pat's a great friend, a best friend. But more than that, he's one of the kindest, most caring people I have ever met. And he only gets better with each birfday. So, Patrick, from me to you: Happy Birfday, buddy!

(In case you're wondering, we are not gay. But we do know gay people. Does that count?)

So, if you're a member of the Pat Angello Fan Club (and I know, if you're reading this, you are), drop him a line or leave him a Comment and let him know you want his 37th birfday to be a special one.

And then ask yourself, what would Blinky do? I think you know the answer to that.

What Do I Have in Common With Butch Cassidy?


















& Marilu Henner?




















& Frank Black?















& Merle Haggard?
















& John (Cliff Claven!) Ratzenburger?


















& Zach Braff?




















& Candice Cameron?
















& Barry Levinson?

















& Richard Murdoch?















& Andre Previn?



















& Paul Rudd?
















& Billy Dee Williams?













IT'S OUR FRICKIN' BIRFDAY TODAY!





















So my wife took the day off and we're going to go play!
















Have a wonderful day and expect a shiny happy post later!

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!