Thursday, August 31, 2006
OK, so just 2 skits.
First is first-time performer, and a freaky son of cheese on his own, Derek Knight! Derek scaled his 5 minutes down to about 2, but here he is - losing his stand-up comedy virginity:
OK, now it's my turn! Squatchy (that's Derek's wife, FYI) filmed both of us that night. Here's my football routine that went over like sushi at my mom's house! I guess the Freak Train crowd soesn't watch a lot of football, or this just plain isn't funny:
Yeah, we're both wearing hockey jerseys for teams that, well, don't play hockey - and? Thanks for watching - remember to sign up for the PAFC Pick 'Em 06 - first game is Thursday, 9/7!!! See you Monday and have a great weekend!
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Sunday, August 27, 2006
I’ve created the league on AM950 the Fan’s web site (because it was reliable last year) – here are the instructions to sign up:
Group Name: "PAFC"
All you need to do is log on to the Fan Pick ‘Em 06 signup page. If you’ve already signed up to play The 2006 Fan Football Pick'Em, then all you need to do is sign on to your page and click the "Join A Group" link. Once there, you'll enter the above group name and password and you'll be in! You need to be a "Fan Insider" to play - it’s free to sign up and takes about 2 minutes. This is a straight pick 'em - no point spreads, no weighing games, just pick the winners each week! I'll try to post standings on a weekly basis here on the blogeroo.
***MAKE SURE YOU JOIN THE CORRECT GROUP!
If you are having any trouble signing up, email me at email@example.com
So, what are you playing for other than bragging rights on the groups shout box? Last year some Canadian guy who calls himself "Dejo" won this thing and took home a custom PAFC t-shirt and a handful of CDs. We can’t let a Canadian win again - football is OUR sport! Let the guy win his curling pick 'em!
This year the stakes are higher as I’ve created the coolest PAFC prizes EVER:
First place finisher will get everything above - a metallic mini helmet with the PAFC logo on it, a custom PAFC ringer t-shirt, a copy of the latest and greatest PAFC mixed CD – More Cowbell, and a custom PAFC bumper sitcker!
Second place will get a micro helmet with the PAFC logo on it, a custom PAFC value t-shirt, a copy of More Cowbell, and a custom PAFC oval sticker.
Third place will get More Cowbell and a PAFC button.
So, you’re thinking these football helmets are damn cool, aren’t ya? Wanna know how I made them? Then go check out The Creation!
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Hey, so that kid Derek "Son of Cheese" Knight has this thing he calls an "Awesomecast" (ne: podcast) and, well, I got to be in a few episodes - stuck in the corner. So, ya know, go HERE and listen to a half hour of me, Derek, Collin, Heather and Derek and Heather's dad talk about movies!
Oh, and speaking of trying to be famous, Freak Train is just a few days away! And that Derek kid is coming all the way from Colorado Springs to, um, make an ass out of himself like I do every month! I wasn't going to perform this time, but since THE Son of Cheese will be there, I guess I'll do SOMETHING. Also, I believe another surprise freind of mine will get on stage as well. Heck, it's gonna be a PAFC-loaded show!
Sniff - I smell another PAFC contect coming soon! It's football season, and that means it's almost time for a new PAFC Pick 'Em! This year the prizes will blow yer freakin' mind! Just wait, it's coming soon!
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Oh, and this video is for Kim:
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Step 1 - OK, not really a step, but here you see how the helmets came to me. The paper with the logos was used as a guide - I put it on top of the vinyl paper to make the cuts.
Step 2 - I decided to do the stripes first. Obviously, the middle white stripe needed to go on first.
Step 3 - Blue stripes followed, measured half the size of the white stripes.
Step 4 - The letters. Sorry for the lack of focus here, but you can kind of see the blue tape on the other side of the helmet - I used that to make sure the letters were level and straight.
Step 5 - The swooshes were pretty easy - I just needed to keep them relatively straight under the letters.
Step 6a - The facemask is attached and PAFC letters (again, vinyl stick-on lettering) is on the little pad above the facemask.
Step 6b - The word "SARCASM" on the small pad in the back of the helmet.
Step 7 - FINISHED PRODUCT!
Here are the micros - same process.
Finally, big brother and little brother!
Good luck on the PAFC Pick 'Em 06 - I know you want one of these! Why do you think I made 2 of each?
I’m really trying to find the throwback Tampa Bay Buccaneers helmet in a pocket size, but I’d can only see it if I purchase the whole throwback league for about $100. I can wait! I may just go get one of these mini helmets though!
Oh, and while I was looking for the Bucs, I stumbled across probably the coolest thing EVER! Yep, it’s the inaugural set of the USFL in pocket helmets! You bet I ordered it, and I can’t freakin’ WAIT to get ‘em! I mean, seriously, how cool is this?
Thursday evening I went to PetSmart to get a brand new bag of nummies for my daughter. (FYI, she gets REALLY excited over a "brand new bag" of nummies!) Anyway, I went to Park Meadows mall and as I was trying to escape the parking lot and get on the highway to head to dinner with some coworkers and a vendor who was in town, I noticed a Porsche 911 Carrera GT speeding through the maze of surrounding streets like he had to be somewhere. He inevitably got stuck behind a car to my right at a light coming out of the main parking lot. That car was a BMW 745il. Now, when the light turned, the B-mer started out a little slower than I did, so the Porsche got mad and jumped around him. These 2 lanes quickly merge into one as you head toward the light at
I was hoping it was over, but I got to play with Porsche boy even MORE! He HAD to pass me on the ramp to get on I-25, just so he could get to THAT light first. Woo – success! Anyway, the guy next to him at the light gave him a small run for the money when the light changed, but turbo wanker stomped on his gas pedal and I lost sight of him. Until…
I got off the highway at Belleview, which is about 5 miles down the road. As I pulled off and headed down the ramp to the light, the Porsche was one car in front of me! All of this hostility, and we’re still right next to each other!
Sometimes it does! And when many people work for you, you can turn into an amazing person!
This lovely woman pictured is Anne Gatobu. Many years ago when she was in
Now, they have many funny stories about their first impressions of
But this weekend we celebrated Anne’s second doctorate! After receiving a doctorate from the Iliff School of Theology, she received another from
When Anne spoke Friday night to thank so many people that have been involved in her journey, I was blown away. But things were even more amazing when Anne started to describe the 350 page dissertation that she wrote about abused women in
As I listened, I couldn’t help but feel like I can do more. If this woman can find a way to help people she doesn’t even know from so far away, what can I do? What can we all do? How can people get involved in SOMETHING to make this world a better place?
I have been asked to write a Christmas play for the youth of our church, and I’m really looking forward to it. My wife and I were discussing it this weekend, and we both feel that it should revolve around tolerance and forgiveness. There are too many people that are completely ignorant in this country. My boss told me a story of one of his idiot neighbors who actually asked him the question, "If you have an American and a Guatemalan, and one of them has to die, who do you kill?" Well, my boss is a Buddhist, so of course he asks why anyone has to die. I said, "Well, that depends on who will contribute to society better. I mean, if the American is Charles Manson and the Guatemalan is someone like Shakira (I know she’s not Guatemalan - it’s an example), then the American is toast!" Do Americans really think like this? Anyway, my wife and I were joking that the Christmas play will be called, "It’s a Buddhist Christmas, Charlie Brown." Not really, but it made us laugh!
My long winded point here is - do something! I know that a lot of you do, and I am very happy that I know you. Some of you partake in the Susan B. Komen Race for the Cure and other charitable events, which is awesome. In fact, my friend Wendy is co-chair for the Race for the Cure in
National Multiple Sclerosis Society
Attn: MS Slugfest / Bill Cross
910 W. Van Buren, 4th Floor
Thanks for reading. Peace out, yo!
My lovely wife is all gung-ho about our 20-year high school reunion coming up in ’07. She is co-chair of the committee, and I am the web site administrator for the Class Report CCHS class of ’87 thingy. Anyway, we had the first committee meeting on Saturday afternoon and it was, well, amazing.
Don’t get me wrong here; I’m not overly excited about the reunion. I’m sure it will be a very fun event and all, and I’m looking forward to helping with organizing it. But I was sitting across from a girl that I didn’t know in high school and never spoke with really until that night. This isn’t really that odd, as our graduating class was 985 people. But when the guy sitting next to me asked her what she did for a living, she didn’t want to say. She was afraid we’d make fun of her, whatever. Then we finally got it out of her – she is a pet therapist.
I started to laugh a little at first, but she started talking about stuff – how she hears things and sees things that most people can’t. Yep, I’m talking spirits! Now, I told her that I am very interested in this kind of thing, but I’m also very skeptical. If I don’t experience a ghost or whatever first hand, I simply have a hard time believing in them. I’ve heard some great stories from other people, and those stories freak me out and give me the chills. She didn’t really want to tell us much at first, but I told her I really wanted to know what she sees. She claims that if she doesn’t acknowledge the spirits around her, they touch her to make her pay attention. So I asked her who she saw around me.
She started to explain that there was a younger woman behind me, maybe an aunt, and then the guy next to me freaked out and had to get up and walk away. DAMN! She was afraid to go too far into things because some people get really uncomfortable. But we slightly changed the subject and she talked about things that really started to freak me out. She spent a lot of the evening sharing things about me, my family, my friends, just from hearing their name and age. It was really spooky, and I was very thankful that she was willing to talk to me for so long. I felt like I was totally taking advantage of her, but she kept saying that she really liked me and enjoyed talking to me.
So believe what you want to believe. Go ahead and leave me a smart-ass comment. I don’t care! Because when she said things about me that nobody really knows, and told me things about other people with little or no information, I totally freaked out. She gave me chills, and she honestly made me cry. I could have talked to her for days!
She better be at the next meeting!
Thursday, August 17, 2006
"W in '04?" It's almost '07! I'm sure he appreciated your support during the election, but let's move on. Besides, the way things are going right now, it's not exactly something you should be bragging about.
Oh, and you "Kerry/Edwards" people? It's just getting pathetic now. Maybe you still have the sticker on to prove that the current situation isn't your fault, but that doesn't help. Could you find a candidate for '08 that is a little more exciting than watching paint dry? He doesn't even need to be charismatic or a decent public speaker, obviously!
Finally, the "Support Our Troops" ribbon people. It's a lovely gesture, really it is. Can I ask you something? Do you really think that the majority of America is too stupid to read your sticker unless you lay it on it's side? I promise - I can read text that isn't perfectly horizontal!
That is all - for now...
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Are you ready for some FOOTBALL?
Well, too bad because football season has started, and the crap that comes along with it is here too!
Don’t get me wrong; I love me some football. However, there are a few things I hate about football. Let’s discuss, shall we?
Why is it the big sponsors come up with the dumbest ad campaigns for football? Last year they started out with the stupid Coors Light Silver Bullet Love Train commercial. This ad was based on the first game of the season between the Raiders and the Patriots. The scenario: hot, baby - we need something to cool us off! Hey - here comes a train with beer on it and it’s got a snow storm behind it! I’m so excited I could high-five this Raider fan! Oh, no, wait - can’t do that! The best part is, they ran this commercial well into December. Not sure I want to cool down in Foxboro in December. Maybe then the Raider fan and Patriot fan can snuggle up under a blanket with some nice warm cocoa?
Then Diet Pepsi designed a campaign around a soda machine getting drafted and playing receiver for the Patriots. (Let me just insert right here, I am SO glad the Broncos didn’t win the Super Bowl last year. Have fun Steelers fans!) The machine was catching passes, smacking players on the butt with a towel, getting the fans to chant his name... "Machine’s got great hands!" "What hands?" HAHAHA - Kill me!!!
The announcers are complete idiots too - all of them from the studio to the sidelines. Stupid sideline reporters! Do these people add ANYTHING to the game? And it’s not just the women - Armen Keteyian is an idiot too! By the way, NOBODY is named Armen Keteyian! But these people try to get info out of coaches before and after half-time and the coaches must HATE it! "Leslie, tell us what Coach Shanahan had to say about his team coming into the second half." "Well, Dick, Coach Shanahan said that since his team is down, they need to score. Also, their defense has to play better and keep the other team out of the end zone. Back to you." What a revelation! I want to know what Coach Shanahan REALLY told Leslie! "Well, Dick, Coach Shanahan told me I look absolutely ridiculous in this hat and I should go back to watering plants in mental institutions. Back to you. Oh, and he told me my mouth is so big that it could provide section 8 housing for a family of seven and they would still have room for their 1984 Dodge Caravan with the peeling paint. Now back to you." While I’m on the sideline reporter thing, I heard this during the college bowl games last year: "Tell us what you know about
The color commentators are complete morons as well. Dan Dierdorf is convinced that as soon as any player does something right he’s the "best player in the league at that position." "Do you see how the guard pulled and laid this block on the linebacker? That is very difficult for a guy his size and that is why he’s one of the best interior linemen in the league!" OK, then two plays later the same guy gets beat by a defensive tackle and his QB gets leveled. Oh wait - "This little sweep move by the defensive tackle here gave him a free shot at the quarterback. Moves like that make this guy the best defensive lineman in the NFL today." Guh!
It’s not like John Madden is any better. The whole BAM-POW crap is over and done. Now he’s analyzing nothing plays on his telestrator like something great just happened. "See this guard here? He’s going to-BAM-move straight ahead. And this tackle here is gonna-POW-plow forward too. Then the running back will-BANG-follow behind them and pick up a yard." Um, so? Go back to your bus, eat a 4-legged turkey and shut the hell up!
Don’t get me started on the play-by-play guys. I know there are MANY teams in the league, but these guys have no clue what’s going on and they are always missing player’s names, etc. And Dick Enberg feels the need to pull ridiculous facts about players from thin air as he’s making calls. "And the former 3rd place finisher in the 1992 12 and under tri-county chess tournament in
Then, when they send you to the studio for halftime highlights, Terry Bradshaw goes out and makes a complete ass out of himself. Actually, he doesn’t need to try to hard to do that. But you MUST listen to Shannon Sharpe do highlights - it’s AWESOME! In fact, because I love you, I have a quick 3-step lesson on how to impersonate Shannon Sharpe. Ready?
1) Use the Eddie Murphy dumb black guy voice. The slow, deep voice with the slight lisp.
2) Over annunciate every word with your mouth. You have to move and flap your lips a lot.
3) Speed it up!
(If you need an audio demonstration, give me a call!)
The showboating in football really bugs me too. Why can’t all players be professionals like Rod Smith? The guy scores a touchdown, turns around, tosses the ball to the referee, and then jogs off the field. Most of these guys dance and celebrate over nothing! A team can be down by 30 points with 4 minutes left in the game and some defensive back will make a tackle and then start celebrating. Hey, YOU’RE LOSING BY 30! Maybe if you made that tackle in the first half, this game would be a little closer and you’d have a reason to celebrate. Besides, all you did was your job. You are being paid to tackle, and now that you’ve actually accomplished your task, you feel the need to dance and act like a buffoon? What if this type of behavior spilled over into the business world? Every time a receptionist transferred a call, they’d have to go roar back at the phone, get down on one knee, and pound their chest with 2 fingers and point to the sky. Speaking of this action, has EVERY NFL player lost someone to a tragedy? How many dead buddies do they really have, or are they just paying tribute to ol’ grandmamma? All I know is the next time I complete anything for my boss, I’ll enter his office bobbing my head and I’ll throw whatever on his desk and exclaim, "Yeah, you TRIED!" Then maybe I’ll do a little shoveling action before I walk out.
OK, if that isn’t enough to get you ready for some football, maybe this little Broncos video will help:
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
You all KNOW I hate these things!
In fact, when you email them to me, I NEVER respond, and it makes me chuckle when you list me as one of the people MOST likely to respond.
However, I've been tagged. Yup, ol' DLee at Red and Black Hockey tagged me and Bill. Hey, that means Bill might actually contribute to his own blog again! Seriously, he hasn't written anything since April 18th! For that, I'm in!
- Have you ever been in a fantasy league? YES! Back in the late 80's I had Ginger Lynn and Amber Lynn on my fantasy porn team and I cleaned up, yo! OK, actually I have done a few fantasy hockey things and one fantasy football thing. I came in 3rd in the fantasy football thing, but it wasn't enough to make me want to do it again.
- What was the first sports jersey you ever owned. Jerseys? Hmmm - I think I have a few! The first was a black Elway jersey that was about 14 sizes too big. Not sure what posessed me to buy one that large, but I did anyway - just in case I needed pads underneath. However, my pride and joy is my homemade Broncos hockey jersey! My lovely wife just sewed on classic D-logo patches on the shoulders and it's as cool as poo!
- Top 5 sports books I don't read "sports books" either. I'veread "Now I Can Die In Peace" by Bill Simmons and some book about how to give the game back to the fans. Um, yeah - it's not working!
- 10 favorite athletes. How about a freaky throw-back:
- Jack Dolbin
- Monte Towe
- Tim Raines
- Rick Upchurch
- Steve Foley
- Dave Parker
- Doug Williams (Buc years, not Redskin years)
- Ricky Bell (no, the other one - see #7)
- Wes Chandler
- Ron Jeremy
- Three Athletes I secretly admire but am ashamed to admit it for fear of ridicule.
- Steve Yzerman
- Larry Walker
- Tim Brown
- Three people (outside family) you would pay to have coffee with
- Dave Mustaine
- Sam Rockwell
- Caroline Rhea
What? I'm not out to save the world! I want to be entertained for coffee.
- One Thing You Could Change if you Could. My freaky second toe - it looks like an alien head. Again, I'm not out to change the world...
Sunday, August 06, 2006
The area is beautiful, you can see for miles – all the way to
It was a wacky movie weekend as well! We watched a few from Netflix, and went to see one as well. Heck – we even rented a few from Blockbuster!
Friday night we watched the
Pathetic Fantastic 4. Honestly, this was one of the worst movies I have ever seen. Even Jessica Alba in her bra and panties couldn’t save this film! I almost turned the thing off 3 times, because I really didn’t care how it ended. But I decided I’d sit through it, and they even set it up for a sequel! I’ll pass. How come X-Men and Spiderman are such great franchises with decent scripts, but the other comic book movies suck ass? I swear, there were more bad one-liners in this film than a Henny Youngman routine. Not even worth renting!
Now, maybe because we watched it right after the crappy F4, but we really enjoyed a film called Happiness. Um, I certainly don’t know anyone I would recommend this film to, but I’ll give you the low down (Billy can chime in) and let you decide for yourself. Happiness is an extremely dark comedy from the director of Welcome to the Dollhouse. The characters are anything but happy, yet you are compelled by their situations. A male psycho therapist who has an thing for young boys, a hippie chick who just wants to do good for people yet she constantly gets herself into difficult and depressing situations, a successful writer who is a complete fraud but nobody knows it, and a horny nerd who is scared of women but loves to make obscene phone calls. OK, there are a few more characters involved, but this should be plenty to either intrigue or disgust you. I think you should see the film simply for the incredible performances by the likes of Philip Seymour Hoffman, Jane Adams, Lara Flynn Boyle, Dylan Baker, Camryn Manheim, Cynthia Stevenson, and a young Rufus Read. The creepy and painful scene where Baker has to explain to his son (Read) why he raped the kid’s 11-year-old friend is absolutely jaw-dropping. This film will disturb you, and somehow make you laugh. It is certainly effed up, but one of the finer films I’ve ever seen with an incredible screen play.
Also, we went to see Talladega Nights – the Ballad of Ricky Bobby on Saturday night. Dude, this is just plain dumb funny. Will Ferrell pretty much redeemed himself for Kicking and Screaming with this movie, a redneck look at, um, rednecks. You pretty much know what to expect from the previews, and it delivers on all stupid levels. Loved it!
OK, gotta run – I’ve got some movies to watch!
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Thursday, August 03, 2006
The only good reality TV on right now is fake reality TV. It makes me laugh that re-runs of CSI still kick the crap out of new reality TV in ratings. The new show on Comedy Central called Dog Bites Man is pretty damn funny:
Not like the unwatchable Blue Collar TV, but just damn funny fake reality TV. Comedy Central has this nailed, as Reno 911 gets better and better. Can they top a beret-wearing Pee Wee Herman as a whispering leader of the Citizen’s Brigade? Um, no! But this scene is pretty funny:
Speaking of brilliant, stay up late and listen to Craig Ferguson’s monologue tonight. Seriously, the guy is amazing! He pretty much wings it and can top anything that the other late night hosts can do:
I love me some Jimmy Kimmel, but this guy may have won me over!
Finally, there are some new PAFC contests coming! First, I’m about to hit 20,000 hits! If I can track the person who is my 20,000th visitor, they will win, um, SOMETHING! Also, it’s almost time for the PAFC Football Pick ‘Em!
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
So this weekend was fun! Our friend Sue took us out for sushi on Friday night, then we went to a movie. The sushi was great, as per usual! We went to
After dinner on Friday, we went to see Monster House. Loved it! Come on, Spielberg and Zemeckis combining for one film? You know it’s going to be fun! I highly recommend it for anyone. I’ll say 4 out of 5!
Saturday was fun too! I went down to
Later that evening, I went to see my boss play his guitar at Java Guru and he let me do a stand up set during his break. It was kind of fun, but there was a birthday party going on there and not many people were paying attention to whatever was on the stage. I had to take off a little early because we were going to church in Evergreen on Sunday, so I needed sleep. I was going to unveil some new stuff, but since NONE OF YOU BASTARDS SHOWED UP, I figured I’d save it for the next Freak Train.
Sunday we went to church with KT’s dad and step-mom, and I really enjoyed it actually! The pastor at the
Oh, and Freak Train was a kick! I know I already linked to the film DeJo took of me, but I had fun. 10 months of practicing gone in 4:37, but it was totally worth it. Thanks to Ernie for helping me build the set, and to my lovely wife KT for helping me with the drapes. I knew the hosts were going to kinda screw up the drapes – I just knew it! I had the whole thing covered just fine until THEY showed up! Anyway, it worked out pretty well and I was damn happy with the whole thing. I’m a little nervous about the lack of performers at Freak Train, and the sparse crowd. There were still 4 empty slots for performers when the show started, and the building wasn’t even close to full. I’m thinking of creating a flier for people to hang up at work. I’m telling you, even though it’s on a Monday night, for $5 you won’t find a better show in town. The hosts are fantastically talented, the performers are always, um, interesting and fun, and they give you FREE BEER! Seriously, if you haven’t been yet, you must go! I need all of my Freak Train regulars to comment and back me up here!
OK, so I’m back! More bloggin’ a comin’ this week. Stay tuned, you just might learn something! Or not…
OK, so if you missed my little diddy at the Bug Theatre last night, the lovely DeJo threw it on You Tube for me! Because he ROCKS, he's in the midst of uploading all of the times he caught me on film (digitally) to You Tube. Soon you'll be able to search on You Tube for me and get to see ALL of my performances! How cool is this guy?
Also, Jerrilynn sent me this fun video - it's human Space Invaders! Great for those over the age of 30: