Tuesday, August 30, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 8/30/05


Time for FOOTBALL! The regular season is coming up, and Pat Angello enjoys the football pick ‘ems! I usually engage in Purdy’s with the point spread, and AM 950 the Fan’s without the point spread. This year I created my own group on the Fan (no point spread) and yer all invited! It’s a semi-private group, so here are the instructions on how to join:

All you have to do is log on to the AM 950 the Fan website and look for the 2005 FAN Football Pick'Em link. If you're already signed up to play, then all you need to do is sign on to your page and click the "Join A Group" link. Once there, look for the link to join Pat Angello Fan Club (password = patangello, duh!). Click on that and you'll be in! If you're not registered as a Fan Insider yet that's ok too. It only takes a few seconds and is completely FREE! So then you sign up as a Fan Insider, click the Pick’Em link, and then click “Join A Group” link. Group name = Pat Angello Fan Club, password = patangello.

Unlike the Purdy’s pick ‘em, there is no forum to brag and taunt those beneath you. So, I will post standings each Tuesday on the blog so y’all can comment there - and each post will feature a drawing I did when I was 9-years-old (I had a wild hair to draw every team emblem by hand). You think you want a piece of me? Then BRING IT ON! All PAFC members and bloggers are welcome! Hurry, because the season starts for REAL on Thursday, 9/8/05 with Oakland at New England (let me give you a hint on that one – not Oakland)!

For those of you who came down to the Bug Theatre for Freak Train on Monday, thanks! Hope you had fun, because I certainly did! I got a lot of feedback about the puppet show from last month, so I think I need to bring them back pretty quickly. And kudos to my bro for giving it a go as well! Mark you calendars, as the next one will be 9/26/05. There are a few more places popping up around town that do some similar open stage events, so I’ll research and keep you posted on any future Pat Angello performances.

A male inmate in San Antonio somehow locked himself up with 8 female inmates. I’m pretty sure I saw this movie on Cinemax last Friday.

Could this be a new low in reality TV? A Dutch version of Big Brother features a woman who is 7 months pregnant. She may end up giving birth on the show. And idiots will go nuts to watch it.

There’s no place like home! THE ruby red slippers from the Wizard of Oz have been stolen from a museum in MN. The fuzz is chasing down every man with a shaved head, earring and tight “I luv Liza” T-shirt.

Them southerners just keep getting’ dumber and dumber! A 45-year-old man thought it would be fun to play a joke on his 13-year-old daughter on her birthday. So he had her hand a bank teller a hold-up note. FUNNY! What does every 13-year-old girl want on her birthday? A security guard pointing a gun at her head!

A theater in Japan is offering discounted tickets for geeks. All you have to do is claim you’re a geek, and you pay less for the film. Can you believe that about 70% of the customers say they are geeks? It helps when they are not on a date.

I blame my father! People in Nebraska are complaining about receiving gibberish phone calls. When I was growing up, my dad would interview any girl that came to see me by asking, “So, have you put the frankles on the ficklestien? For two of them?” Freaked them OUT! It’s either him or telemarketers are using words with 3 syllables.

Remember the farmer in NY that carved a personal ad into his cornfield? He’s gotten 700 replies! I didn’t know that many people flew crop dusters! Beats going to Wal-Mart on singles night!

Just keep him there for crying out loud! A thief in India is serving his 100th sentence! Someone certainly isn’t learning his lesson. And I thought our judicial system was funky!

This is the best soft drink EVER! The Brits love their Tango, and it loves to explode in their hands. Americans would buy it just for the potential lawsuit!

You know, dumb criminals exist outside the US! These New Zealanders siphoned diesel fuel instead of petrol. When their vehicle didn’t start, they examined the situation with a lighter. Um, the car blew up, yeah. Nice! Police had the second best quote of the month, “Fortunately for them, there is no criminal charge for stupidity.”

Since they can’t sue him for the war, a Christian prayer network and an environmental group are tag teaming to sue the president and his administration. They feel he has not done enough to protect the natural habitat of an endangered toad. Yeah, he’s got nothing else on his plate right now.

A pilot in Australia sent airport personnel into panic mode when he accidentally used a code word for hijack. Maybe they should change the code word away from “landing gear.”

Meow! Cops in Berlin were called to investigate a cat burglar that destroyed a home broken into in cat-like fashion. Drapes were ripped down, furniture scratched, fishbowls turned over. Oh wait it WAS a cat. Doi!

I don’t normally comment on catastrophes, but this just made me sick. After seeing the devastation from hurricane Katrina in New Orleans and Biloxi, and seeing all the heroes in helicopters saving people left and right, the looters pushed me over the edge. How dare these imbeciles take important resources (police) away with such a stupid, selfish and piss-poor act of vandalism! Police should be rescuing trapped victims, not chasing an idiot stealing a TV when there’s no electricity for a month. It gives me acid reflux, or maybe that was the Spaghetti-o’s. Either way, there’s a nasty taste in the back of my throat!

Sunday, August 28, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 8/28/05


My wife needs this! Bjork’s famous swan dress is up for auction! If I could only out-bid Golden Palace, my wife could wear it to church on Sundays! Then we could go home and she could dance around the apartment making squawking noises. And, as I start to make eggs for breakfast, she can throw a fit and start yelling, “My babies! What are you doing to my babies???” Our neighbors would LOVE us!

Why, God, WHY? Ashlee Simpson is going to perform on Oprah. Not only that, but there are rumors that her father/agent is trying to get her BACK on SNL where she was caught lip-synching. If Lorne Michaels lets her back on that show, I will lose all respect I have for him. Nobody cares about her anymore? Here’s my prediction for her new CD due in October – it will fall flat on its face! And there are SO many great artists out there that would KILL to be on SNL! Do I need to go to NY and have a come-to-Jesus with Michaels?

Hey, Monday, 8/29 is Michael Jackson’s birthday! Let’s celebrate! Let me see: We could either slip alcohol to a 7-year-old boy, or we could go to the Bug Theatre for FREAK TRAIN! I’ll be at the Bug performing along with 11 other freaks (maybe even my brother)! It’s also the 5th anniversary show with a highlight reel from all of last year’s best/oddest acts, including Pat Angello’s puppet show from last month. Why wouldn’t you go? $5 gets you in and the beer is free! Doors open at 7, and the show starts at 8 – hope to see you there!

John McEnroe is doing a new TV ad for PETA. It actually seems kinda funny as McEnroe will be making fun of his famous tirades by explaining how neutering a dog or cat helps control the animal’s temper and how shelters have to destroy so many unwanted pets. Maybe we should let more crazy old ladies keep their 180 dogs and cats? Nah!

I have an odd feeling, speaking of PETA. The Seminole Tribe went to bat for the Florida State Seminoles so they can keep their mascot and name, no matter what the NCAA says. However, this got me to thinking, it’s just a matter of time before PETA starts whining about animal mascots and nicknames for college teams. Pretty soon you’ll be seeing the University of Colorado Homo Sapiens vs. the Colorado State Humans.

For the love of God! Redneck Woman Gretchen Wilson is getting flack about performing her song “Skoal Ring” in concert. TN state officials are claiming that when she performs the song, she pulls a can of Skoal out of her back pocket, and this is a violation of a 1998 settlement between states and tobacco companies forbidding ads targeting younger audience. Uh, she’s not targeting ANYONE specifically! Like nobody has ever smoked a cigarette or had alcohol on stage before? Cripes, Michael Anthony has a bass guitar shaped like a bottle of Jack!

An Alaska man and his dog fender off a grizzly bear! Gary Paterna and his Brittany spaniel, Tok, went for a hike and were surprised by a bear jumping out from behind some bushes. The bear knocked Gary down, but Tok distracted the bear before it could do anything else. When Gary got up, the bear knocked him down again, and again Tok interfered. The bear eventually ran off into the forest. FYI, our yellow lab has been pinned by a Yorkie. Twice!

NJ police invaded the wrong house this week. Right house number, wrong street. I think something like this happened in Denver a few years ago. Anyway, it reminded me of one of my wife’s favorite old jokes: What is 667? The neighbor of the Beast!

A young man walked into Wal-Mart in an orange jumpsuit and cuffs asking for a hacksaw. He wasn’t really an escaped inmate, but the police did let him stay in the cuffs!

Nice shot! A man paralyzed from the waist down hit a hole-in-one – his second ever since he was hit by a drunken driver. I think he’s cheating just like Lance! Now I really feel like I suck at golf.

Hello skinny! A thin firefighter in NJ used his svelte frame to save a kid. A boy fell into a narrow hole and firefighters lowered 6’ 1” 160-pound Jim Pfeiffer down the narrow crevice to pull the boy up to safety. He’s so skinny he’s phat!

How long does it take to mail a postcard to Canada? A man in Vancouver received a postcard in the mail that was postmarked in 1955. Obviously it was not addressed to him, but the thing literally got lost in the US Postal System for 30 years! Was Kevin Costner behind this?

Monkey see, monkey do! A chimp in China has been smoking for 15 years now. She started by picking up butts left by zoo visitors. Now that her companion has passed, and she is smoking even more. Zoo officials are starting to get a little concerned. After 15 years of smoking, NOW they are concerned! So they are trying to give her milk. Ya know, if you try to wean a human off of cigarettes with milk, they would probably throw their own feces at you.

Mmm – stinky flowers! A tongue orchid in Australia is flowering and it stinks to high heaven! Melbourne’s Royal Botanic Gardens’ director said, “If you mixed, say, two- or three-day-old rotting flesh with manure you would get pretty close.” Now I want to go to Australia!

Sleepy? The Mall of America in MN has a new store called MinneNAPolis that sells naps. Seriously. I thought this was why God created Norah Jones!

The London zoo has a new exhibit! This one has humans on display, just hanging out in a rocky area. I think the three best places to observe people would have to be:

1) Concerts

2) Airports

3) Mass transit systems

But is it art? There is controversy in Zurich over a sculpture that features an actual pickled dead human fetus head attached to a seagull’s body. What’s the controversy? Nobody wants to see that!

Thursday, August 25, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 8/25/05


Avoid this horrible thing! (I don't mean avoid ME!) Apparently the British think Monday is the best day to commit suicide. So avoid the Monday Blues by going to Freak Train this coming Monday, 8/29/05! Watch 12 freaky acts, including Pat Angello, and chase your dark thoughts away! Just go to the Bug Theatre on 37th and Navajo – the doors open at 7, show starts at 8, and $5 gets you all the beer you can drink. Also, it’s the 5-year anniversary show featuring a highlight reel of all the goofy acts from the last year, possibly including Pat Angello’s last performance! You must go at least ONCE!

What the hack? An older man (by older, I mean older than me, or 79, take your pick) in CA suspected his younger wife of having an affair, so he tried to hack off her hand. He almost succeeded, too! His daughter tried to interfere, and she got cut as well. He cut his wife on the head and face, cut off her right index finger, and nearly severed her entire hand. Nothing like a cleaver to the head, face and hand to teach someone a lesson! I guess therapists are getting way too expensive in CA!

Speaking of short-tempered old people, a 76-year-old man in Germany attacked a 29-year-old woman for taking his lawn chair. The man left the poolside and then returned to find a woman in his chair and his towel on the chair next to it. She simply moved the towel so she could sit next to her mother. That’s when the elderly attack! After his abusive language did nothing, he flipped her chair over while she was still on it! Thank goodness he didn’t have a cleaver near by!

A dog saved a woman’s life – just like Lassie! However, this dog is named Danny (who the hell names a dog Danny?) and he went kinda crazy after his foster, um, mom Marlene Huffner fainted. A neighbor heard the dog barking and running around so she called an ambulance. The dog is actually just a foster dog staying with Marlene. Therefore, Marlene cannot be blamed for naming the dog Danny.

Turkmenistan President Saparmurat Niyazov can kiss my Ashgabat! He’s banned opera and ballet and has condemned long hair and gold teeth (OK, no argument on the gold teeth thing), but his next step is just plain evil. He wants to outlaw lip-synching! Is nothing sacred? How will the untalented dolts of Turkmenistan take advantage of stupid people? And what if I wanted to perform at their local Freak Train show? This is an outrage! Someone get Ashlee Simpson on the phone right now!

A man has just made the record books for having the longest eyebrows ever. Hmm - body hair records are a little freaky. However, this is yet another reason why you should come to see me at Freak Train!

A man was arrested at the border in Malaysia for trying to smuggle porn he stored in his undies. Like the Internet doesn’t exist in Singapore? Please!

FINALLY! A judge in Boston set bail at $250K for a 12-year-old accused of shooting a gun in the city. Sure, you may think that’s a little excessive, as did I at first, but the judge’s words hit me: “These kids don't take responsibility for anything,” the judge said. “They’re fearless. It’s out of control. It’s beyond out of control.” It’s about time! There are WAY too many people out there looking for someone else to blame and that never want to take responsibility for their actions. Prosecutors recommended only $5000 bail, but the judge took matters into his own hands and, hopefully, scared the living crap out of this kid. YAY!

The latest “dumbest lawsuit ever!” An overweight woman in NH is suing her doctor for telling her she was, um, overweight! Yep, the doc told her about the health risks that come with being obese and that she needed to do something about it. She got offended and is suing. Since when did “I want a second opinion” turn into “I’ll sue?” One other patient had this to say, “I have been in this lady’s shoes. I’ve been angry and left his practice. I mean, in-my-car-taking-off angry. But once you think about it, you’re angry with yourself, not Doctor Bennett. He’s the messenger. He’s telling you what you already know.” Yet another reason for malpractice insurance to go up!

The most boring soccer game EVER took place when a Belgian women’s soccer team lost their game 50-1. Their goalie decided to go to a concert instead of play in the game, so the other team had an empty net. OK, why did they not dress someone else as a goalie? ANYONE could have stopped a few shots! The first goal was scored 4 seconds in, and then it was just sad. How can you even celebrate scoring goals when there is no goalie?

An 80-year-old woman in Brazil is capturing drug dealers on video and having them arrested. I think the wife and I are about to do this in our neighborhood with the people who refuse to pick up after their dog! Again, the poop bags are provided and are about 4 feet from your dog’s pile – pick it up! Maybe we should move to Hungary?

Speaking of my wife and the fuzz, KT has become a regular deputy since we moved into Greenwood Village! This is a nice area near Denver, but we’ve had a few small issues. Some punk was throwing firecrackers out of his car window in July and KT called 911. We saw a police car within 5 minutes. Then, Wednesday night, a woman pulled her car over in front of our apartment building. Her boyfriend got out and was screaming at her, threatening her life, and trying to force her back into the car. Deputy KT was back on the phone and we had a cop there in about 3 minutes. I kinda like living in a place where police respond quickly! Keep it up Sergeant Schmitt!

Only in Amsterdam! A new reality show about sperm donating. This is a bastardized version of Maury, isn’t it?

What did they expect? An ad in Taiwan that featured a nun holding a condom sent the Roman Catholic Church into a tizzy! The ad has since been pulled (no pun intended - OK, maybe), but there are some things you just simply don’t do! That’s like Michael Jackson opening a day care!

A friend sent me an email a while back stating that Mars will be very close to the Earth this weekend, but from what I’m reading, it looks like 10/29/05-10/31/05 will be a better time to check it out. Anyway, if you’re walking around Friday or Saturday night this weekend, you might as well look up and see what you can see, yo!

Like she needs more attention! Victoria Gotti stated she has breast cancer, and then admitted she was lying, and is now trying to save face by saying she has pre-cancerous cells. The stinkin’ rich Gotti’s are all over the tube already, like they need the money. Many believe her announcement about having cancer was a ploy to boost ratings for the show “Growing Up Gotti.” “I have an idea – let’s pretend I’ve got breast cancer and people would watch because they think I might be dying!” Yeah, I might want to see that after all!

What happens when a 16-year-old girl has everything going for her? She takes off apparently! Scout Taylor-Compton, a young actress from the movie “Sleepover” and a few TV appearances, has reportedly run away from home. Is there really that much pressure on Hollywood kids? I just hope she didn’t turn into this:

Natasha Lyonne, star of films like “American Pie,” “But I’m a Cheerleader,” and “Slums of Beverly Hills,” is fighting for her life in a NY hospital. She has hepatitis C, a heart infection and a collapsed lung. It is rumored that she is a heroin addict as she is undergoing methadone treatment. I love her, and her films, and I really hope some miracle happens here!

Say no to drugs like all the urinal cake covers tell you! You could end up like this guy! Meth boy here tried to pitch his drugs when the cops chased him down, but he mistakenly tossed a bag of trash and still had the meth on him. Yeah, I hear it impairs your ability to reason. Just ask THIS guy, a custodian who was making meth in a church. The pastor said he was saddened, but “if you read the scriptures, there are worse things than this.” Of course, he was just doing a little cooking.

And don’t be a deadbeat dad either! Olivia Newton-John’s boyfriend is missing. He went on a little fishing trip in late June and never returned. He is also WAY behind on child support, so the question is: Is he hiding, or did something bad happen to him? Either way, karma is a bizzle!

Will this ever end? I really wish the French would finally just let Lance Armstrong enjoy his amazing life and stop trying to prove that he cheated in some way! The guy came back from cancer to win the most illustrious bicycle race in the world seven freakin’ times in a row. I don’t even CARE if he was on anything illegal, because that’s still an incredible feat. Stinkin’ frogs! Maybe if they quit smoking they would win for a change!

A couple inmates got bacterial infections after using a staple to tattoo each other. These guys should be locked up-oh! Why not just use a dirty fork?

What’s the capital of Thailand? The prime minister of Thailand is trying to boot a government minister who allegedly had a little male enhancement. He believes this issue is giving the Cabinet a bad reputation, but he doesn’t know which, uh, member is responsible. I guess this stemmed (sorry) from a woman who had a facial injection of silicon go awry and she’s now suing the clinic. She then stated that a member of Cabinet was at the same clinic for a little injection of his own. Thus, she has produced the quote of the month: “The problem of my face is bigger than the problem of your penis.” I got nuthin’ else to add.

And now for your final exam – LANDING! Two flight instructors were practicing landing a plane when they forgot to lower the landing gear. The plane skidded harmlessly to a halt and nobody was hurt, other than the enrollment to take flying lessons from the two guys who forgot to lower their landing gear.

Just put him in jail already! A 19-year-old punk in MA was serving community service by working at a cemetery when he thought it would be funny to desecrate a Civil War Vet’s tomb. He opened the tomb, pulled out the bones, and posed for pictures with the bones of a war hero. Actually, let’s not put him in jail. Why don’t we just send him to Iraq and hand him right over!

Once a punk, always a punk! Former Nebraska running back, Lawrence Phillips, is back on the wrong side of the law. Dude can’t get it together! He’s considered one of the biggest busts in NFL history (see Ryan Leaf), and he’s done nothing but jump around from team to league with trouble following him everywhere! St. Louis Rams = domestic violence charge for beating up his girlfriend. Miami Dolphins = hit a woman in a nightclub. He’s also played in Barcelona, San Francisco and Canada. He’s in LA now where he was wanted for choking his girlfriend unconscious. LP kept out of sight for a day or two before he tried to run a car over a few teenagers after a pickup football game ended with heated words. Oh, and the car he was driving had been reported stolen. No worries, he’s being held without bail and will no longer be a menace. Just out of curiosity, how many chances did the kid want?

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

PAT ANGELLO PERFORMANCE UPDATE!


Pat Angello will be performing on Monday, 8/29/05 at the Bug Theatre (off 37th and Navajo - click the map and it will get BIGGER!) for the monthly Freak Train show. The doors open at 7 and the show starts at 8. Other than the fact that I’m DAMN funny, here are 3 more reasons to attend:

1) $5 gets you in and the beer is FREE!

2) Although I am rather freaky, there are 11 other REALLY freaky acts going on there!

3) It’s the 5th Anniversary show and my last performance might be in the highlight reel!

Also, this weekend is great for local music! Check out a few of my favorite Denver bands at two locations:

Scott Julsen Band will be playing at the Art & Ale Festival at the Wildlife Experience in Parker, CO on Friday, 8/26/05 between 6-10. You can also catch them at the Little Bear in Evergreen on Saturday, 8/27/05. Hit their website for more info.

Burning Abigail will be playing at Cricket on the Hill in Denver later (after 9) on Friday, 8/26/05. Check out their website as well for more info.

Heck, you could conceivably go see Julsen for a bit on Friday, and then head over to see Burning Abigail – two great local bands in two locations in one night! However, after that Art & Ale Festival, you might want to take a cab!

So how was Devo you ask? Well, lets take a look at the whole Lost 80’s show:

Dramarama opened up. We were a little late (the show started at 5!) so we missed about half of their set. Also, I’m not very familiar with the band. When they played their hit (“Anything, Anything [I’ll Give You]”), I didn’t really recognize it. However, I still enjoyed them and thought they were pretty good! Grade: B

Missing Persons were next. Real Life was supposed to be next, but they pulled out due to poor ticket sales for their own scheduled US tour. So I was a little nervous about Missing Persons because they only consist of Dale Bozzio (singer) and a bunch of studio musicians. I didn’t think anyone would be able to drum like Terry Bozzio, but they opened with “Mental Hopscotch” (my favorite) and whoever was on the kicks was absolutely incredible! (Drumsticks can be chicken!) Dale needed a song or two to get warmed up, but she sounded great as they played classics like “Words,” “Destination Unknown,” It Ain’t None of Your Business,” “Walking in LA,” and “Windows.” The only drawback to their performance was her odd interludes between songs. I swear, the altitude must have been making her loopy because she was a-ramblin’ and not making much sense. Did you know she lives in New Hampshire and owns 16 cats? Neither did I and I didn’t care to! I was still pleasantly surprised by their show. Grade: A-

A Flock of Seagulls followed, as if their career was better than Missing Persons. Anyway, they were not very good at all. Sure the old stuff like “Space Age Love Song,” “Telecommunication,” “Wishing (If I Had a Photograph of You),” and “I Ran” were good, but singer/keyboardist/guitarist Michael Score keeps trying to write music and it’s getting progressively worse! When they went off on a 10-minute song called “Girl in a Hole” I think the entire crowd winced in pain! Grade: C-

English Beat hit the stage next, and they were solid. Sure singer/guitarist Dave Wakeling is the only member left, but they still put on a decent show. Opening with “I Confess,” other fun and upbeat hits like “Mirror in the Bathroom” and “Save it for Later” sounded great. Not quite as good as Missing Persons, but still a great appetizer for Devo. Grade: B+

Ah, Devo. Not much I can say other than they were simply awesome! They opened the show with their typical 30-year-old montage of videos and then hit the stage with “That’s Good.” All band members were dressed alike in yellow jumpsuits and the red flowerpot hats, marching in place to the beat. Those outfits were later shredded (literally) for black shorts, T-shirts, and kneepads. Fortunately, as usual, Mark Mothersbaugh said, “here’s one you might remember” about 5 songs in to their set as they broke into “Whip It.” This sent the boneheads that DARE call this band a one-hit-wonder back to their little homes so the real Devo fans could enjoy the rest of the show. The band stuck to early stuff including “Uncontrollable Urge,” “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction” (one of the greatest covers EVER), “Mongoloid,” “Jocko Homo,” “Smart Patrol/Mr. DNA,” “Blockhead,” “Going Under,” “Girl U Want,” “Gates of Steel,” and an encore that included “Gut Feeling/Slap Your Mammie,” “Freedom of Choice,” “Wiggly World,” and “Come Back Jonee.” I was hoping to hear anything from New Traditionalists (“Love Without Anger,” “Jerkin’ Back and Forth,” or “Through Being Cool”), but no luck. And I’m still amazed that they don’t play “Beautiful World” in concert. Anyway, they were awesome and strange! My wife looked at me halfway through their set and said, “They’re silly – no wonder you like them so much!” Yeah, they are silly, and I think she even enjoyed them more than she expected to! Grade: A

Sunday, August 21, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 8/21/05


Let’s start with some music stuff!

OK, first of all, I have revamped my all-music blog to allow comments on each post. Also, I’ve added a NEW review of a really cool Australian band called the Grates. If you follow the link on the blog, you can hear their new EP that will finally be released in the US on Tuesday, 8/23/05!

Secondly, speaking of Tuesday, 8/23/05, I’m just a little pumped to see Devo that night! I can’t even tell you the last time Devo came to Colorado, so finally having them here in my state makes me very happy! Oh, and Real Life, Dramarama, the English Beat, Missing Persons, and a Flock of Seagulls will be performing as well. Should be a fun night!

Third, if you want to have a fun night this coming Friday, go check out Burning Abigail at Cricket on the Hill! BA is a great local band that I reviewed on the music blog a few weeks back. I’ll be there, and you can learn more about the band at their website.

Finally, as far as music is concerned, T-Dawg turned me on to the Dead 60’s. I’ll try to put together a review later this week.

The KC Royals finally won a game avoiding the longest losing streak EVER in baseball. How did they handle it? Not very professionally! The team basically had champagne on ice for this illustrious occasion! I can’t even begin to describe how pathetic that is!

A major sports tragedy this weekend here in CO as 49ers’ lineman, Thomas Herrion collapsed after a pre-season game against the Broncos. The kid was just 23 and simply collapsed after the post-game team prayer in the locker room. He was rushed to the hospital, but could not be revived. As the weather was not too hot and the guy walked off the field at the end of the game with no issues, I’m looking forward to the autopsy report to see what happened. God bless his family as this young athlete sounded like he had his priorities in line (he had dreams of getting his masters and teaching less fortunate children). Only the good die young, truly! As you all may know already, this hits way too close to home for many PAFC members.

Sister Mary Michael is protesting the filming of the Da Vinci Code. Um, it is fiction, right? We all know this, yes? My Catholic priest uncle has even read the book. Shouldn’t she be doing something a little more constructive?

Good on ya, Mate! Parliament in Australia actually tried to ban the term “mate” as they find it to be demeaning. Whatever - just don’t call me Dude, Dude. Maybe we should try to do something about rappers using the n-word instead of “ma’am” or “sir” because it’s really not very complimentary.

The Pope is a little forgetful, and he’s sorry. In fact, he’s so sorry, he’s apologized twice for it now. Probably because he forgot that he apologized the first time.

Have you ever wanted to be a character in a book? Now’s your chance as Stephen King and John Grisham (along with 14 other authors) are auctioning off a character name to the highest bidder. All proceeds will actually go to charity! I’d love to be a cool hero in a Grisham book! I’m thinking Collin should scrap up his life savings for a zombie character! I totally want that zombie ribbon!

This is one of the most disgusting things I’ve seen in a while! Kids at a high school in TN defaced the entire building with poop! Outside, inside, all over the place. When I was in high school, nobody had that amount of disrespect for the school to do anything like this. Sure there were some pranks, but nothing this disrespectful. I’m really failing to see how any kid thought this would be funny!

My brother has found some gems at garage sales, but this tops anything he’s seen. A man in British Columbia found, literally, an expired cure for small pox in a vile. WTF?

Connie Hertz just turned 85 and has literally lived her life to the fullest. She’s ridden in helicopters and balloons, and even went 90-mph on the back of a hog. For this birthday, she went for a joy ride as the copilot of a B-17 bomber. “Just another item I needed to scratch off the list of things I wanted to accomplish before I turn 90,” she said.

When tree-huggers lose it! A woman in CA allegedly grabbed a chain saw and chased Public Service tree-trimmers. She had already been notified that some of her trees needed to be trimmed to avoid power lines, but something snapped apparently. Geez, in our old house we had to beg Public Service to trim our trees and they STILL never did!

Ah, another dumb druggie/criminal! This dude broke into a woman’s house and crashed in her bed. When she tried to, you know, wake him up and get him out of there, he told her to leave him alone and somehow swiped another $20 from her. Police found coke and crack on the guy, and busted him for possession with intent to deliver crack cocaine, drug possession, distribution of a counterfeit drug, receiving stolen property and robbery.

This confuses me! A man is claiming that doctors misdiagnosed him as a transsexual. Huh? The guy started as a guy, was surgically changed to a girl, and then went BACK to being a guy! He/she/he/whatever is now suing the original doctors that told him to have the first surgery to go from guy to girl. Because, you know, when you’re this messed up in the head it HAS to be someone else’s fault!

A broken heart really makes people do messed up stuff! A man in Thailand, jealous that a woman was with another man, phoned in a bomb threat pointing at her lover. OK, I’ve done some stupid things to get a girls attention before, but I’m thinking this would be somewhat unforgivable. Did he really think she’s come running to him after this?

Talk about a needle in a haystack! A fisherman in Boston found his lost wallet – from 39 years ago! He hauled in a net of fish and saw the leather wallet with the credit cards and $300 in travelers checks still inside. Quick, buy a lottery ticket!

Not exactly walkie-talkies, but whatever works! Inmates in PA used the empty toilets in their cells to yell back and forth to each other about killing witnesses. How discreet!

Did you know cats are the devil’s creatures? How else would you explain this cat in NV? The thing climbed a power pole, got jolted, fell 40 feet, and started a fire. And the evil little feline walked away. My mother is very disappointed!

Alright, we’re off to see the 40-Year-Old Virgin! Review later this week!

Thursday, August 18, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 8/18/05


Greg the Bunny is BACK! WOOHOO! God bless the IFC for reviving this great show, albeit in a slimmer format. IFC is premiering an hour of goofy fun shows on Friday, 8/19 at 10 PM MST – so go home and set your VCR or TiVo before you head out this weekend! The hour includes a new cartoon called Hopeless Pictures, NEW episodes of Greg the Bunny, and a fake documentary called The Festival.

Hopeless Pictures is a 20-minute cartoon about a dysfunctional Hollywood movie studio. Mel Wax (Michael McKean) is the head of the studio named after his dead parents, Hope and Les (hey – we go to church with a couple named Hope and Les!). Wax battles the everyday struggles of running a movie studio (drug addicted directors, spoiled stars) and an evil (almost) ex-wife (Lisa Kudrow) thanks to the help (sort of) of his therapist (Jonathan Katz – Oh, how I miss Dr. Katz!). Click for a clip!

Greg the Bunny was another brilliant sit-com cancelled WAY too early by FOX. Rent it on DVD – TRUST ME! Although the cast has slimmed down, G the B returns with some familiar puppet pals (Warren “The Ape” DeMontague, Frederick “Count” Blah) and the underrated Seth Green. Not sure how the 10-minute slot will do the show justice, but I’m still very excited that their brilliant wit will be returning uncensored! Click for a clip!

The Festival is a mockumentary about a documentarian trying to sell his film via the Mountain United Film Festival. It looks like it does a great job of bringing the feel of Best in Show, Spinal Tap and a Mighty Wind to the small screen. Click for a clip!

While I’m praising small TV networks, a big ol’ HELLS YEAH to OLN for picking up the NHL contract! Sweet! Do I get OLN? Geez, I hope so! To hell with ESPN for televising bowling and the Little League World Series and not wanting to waste their time with hockey. Who cares about them? Hockey is back, and the OLN has the stones to air it – in HDTV no less! Dammit, now I need an HDTV! Forget about Bertuzzi, I’ve found something to get me excited about hockey again!

No Puff, Puff Daddy, Puffy or P. Diddy. It’s just Diddy now. Dude, your name is Sean! You’re mamma named you Sean, I’m stickin’ with Sean! And why the sudden name change? Are we losing a little popularity? Maybe you should change it to 51-cent!

Shut your MOUTH! Ugh, fantasy footballers are freaking out because Randy Moss just became a marked man. Not on the field, but the dumbass just admitted to using marijuana! The NFL is going to be all over this guy now. Stupid, stupid, STUPID!

They suck royally! Sorry, I couldn’t pass up on a bad KC Royals ineptitude joke. But when you are aiming for a record for most straight losses EVER, you deserve a little ribbing!

Dumb Criminal of the Week #1: A few men in Indiana attempted to steal gas from a construction site, but they filled their tank with diesel fuel. They didn’t get very far.

Dumb Criminal of the Week #2: A man in AR tried to steal a car by busting the window, but he cut himself so badly that he asked the owner of the car for help.

OK, I’m not sure I believe this one! A stinky coffee pot forced a plane to make an emergency landing? Someone open a window – oh. Maybe they should have taken into consideration Larry in 12D for the odor. When there’s no dog around, blame the coffee pot.

Run, Forrest, RUN! A man in Pittsburgh has decided to do a Forrest Gump run across America. For charity? Of course not! Not in this society! It’s all about ME today, so dude is doing it just for attention. If he was smart, he’d have people donate for every mile he goes and then he could give that money to cancer research or something. I wonder if he’ll unknowingly create any new catch phrases along the way? Like, maybe he can trip over road kill and I can get rich selling t-shirts and stickers that say, “Road Kill – it’s a TRIP!”

What is wrong with people? A woman in WV tried to pay two young boys for mowing her lawn, but she used a counterfeit $50. When the boys grew suspicious, she basically kidnapped them and wouldn’t let them leave her house. FREAK! The boys got suspicious of the bill because it was blue and had a cartoon choo-choo in the corner.

Don’t complain to the big cable company! A woman in Chicago tried, but she got the runaround on the phone. Later that month, her billed showed up addressed to “Bitch Dog.” There are more victims, but with names I cannot mention here. C’mon, it’s fun when one bad person destroys a company!

A farmer in NY has written a personal ad in his cornfield. I’m thinking the only person that will see it is a crop duster, so I’m sure “Alice” is quite the catch!

A fisherman in Germany died after chasing the fish that took his pole. He jumped in the water and swam to his fishing pole, but then he just kinda died. And he didn’t even get to tell a “one that got away” story! But the fish is swimming around going, “Dude, I totally killed a guy today!”

Sometimes we’re not quite ready for technology! An electronic diaper set off a bomb scare in Berlin. How lazy are we that we need an electronic diaper to tell us when the kid is wet? That’s like paying $120 for a universal remote!

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

An Open Letter to Terrell Owens


Dear Terrell,

You have proven to be the epitome of the spoiled athlete of the ESPN generation. It is all about you and only you and the only thing that keeps you going is face time on TV. I believe you are a horrible influence and role model for today’s society, and it’s time you simply just went away.

What happened to the good old days in sports? Rivalries used to mean great battles, and players had respect for one another. The only celebration you ever saw was a smack on the butt or a hug. Now, the end zone celebration has gone beyond ridiculous, and ESPN has done nothing but glorify it. Even in their video games, it’s hard to play the ESPN’s NFL 2K5 game in the “Classic” mode. This mode puts you in great, classic game situations and asks you to win the game as it was won years ago. For example: “The Drive” by the Denver Broncos in 1986. You’ve got the ball on the 2-yard line with 4:38 to play and you’re down by 7. Now go force overtime and win the game. But the game has stupid quirks like excessive celebrations that are bugged into even this Classic mode. I can’t recall seeing Dennis Smith deflect a pass and then go off to do a shoulder-shaking dance and wiggle his butt. Nah, he had the talent and didn’t need to dance to prove it.

TO has been a poster child for obnoxious, who-does-this-guy-think-he-is celebrations. Let’s take a look (source):

  • 2000 - During an October contest in Dallas, Owens celebrated scoring a touchdown by running to midfield of Texas Stadium and posing on the star logo of the Cowboys. When he repeated his actions after a TD later in the game, he was blindsided by the Cowboys' George Teague, which resulted in a skirmish between the teams.
  • 2001 - After blowing a 19-point lead in Chicago and losing in overtime after Owens mishandled a pass that Bears free safety Mike Brown intercepted and returned for the game-winning score, the disgruntled receiver accused head coach Steve Mariucci of protecting good friend Dick Jauron, head coach of the Bears.
  • 2002 - In an October contest on Monday Night Football in Seattle, Owens pulled a 'Sharpie' marker out of his sock after catching a TD pass. He then proceeded to autograph the ball and hand it to his financial adviser sitting in an end zone luxury suite rented by Shawn Springs, the cornerback he had just beaten on the scoring play.
  • 2002 - After scoring a touchdown in a December contest with the Green Bay Packers, Owens celebrated with a pair of Pom-Poms borrowed from a 49ers cheerleader.
  • 2004 - In an interview with Playboy magazine, Owens hinted that ex-teammate Jeff Garcia was gay, a claim he later recanted.
  • 2004 - In a November contest with the Baltimore Ravens, after scoring a touchdown, Owens openly mocked Ray Lewis by performing the middle linebacker’s trademark celebration dance.
  • 2004 - In a Monday Night contest later that month, Owens appeared in a controversial skit to kick off the network’s presentation of the game which resulted in an FCC investigation.

I refuse to take anything away from TO as far as his talents are concerned. He is a great wide receiver, and he makes plays. TO was the premier WR on the Eagles last season and he still could not be contained. Even when TO is the focal point for the defense, he somehow manages to get open and catch touchdowns. And he has been rewarded by the Eagles with a 7-year/$49 million contract – including a $12 million signing bonus. And do we all remember HOW he became an Eagle?

TO spent the 2003 season whining and crying, basically throwing hissy fits on the sidelines, for the 49ers. Finally, after the season was over, he decided he wanted to part ways with the team. Besides, he was due to become a free agent soon. His agent (at the time) failed to meet a free agency deadline in March of 2004, making him ineligible to become a free agent. Because they retained his rights, the 49ers then traded him to the Baltimore Ravens, but Owens refused to report to his new team. He expressed his desire to play in Philadelphia, and filed a grievance, claiming he should be granted free agency. After a series of negotiations, a deal was worked out between the three teams, which sent Owens to Philadelphia where he signed his deal – against the advice of the players’ union. So, essentially, TO made a mistake, cried, the union helped him, and then he stabbed the union on the back by not listening to their advice. I am assuming that the union told him not to sign the deal because it was for less money than he was worth overall. That may be true. He could be the best WR in the league, and he should be compensated as such. However, he DID sign the deal, an agreement between both parties, and he did not pay enough attention to the details of the deal to realize what he had signed.

TO had a great year last season, despite missing the last few regular season games with a broken ankle. He then worked hard to return to the team for the Super Bowl. However, it is rumored that the Eagles made him sign a waiver before playing in the Super Bowl as he was returning to the field well before the doctors cleared him to play. Any further damage shouldn’t be the responsibility of the team, hence the waiver (all denied by the Eagles, but who would blame them?). TO also had a huge game in the Super Bowl, even though the Eagles lost.

Suddenly, coming off a broken ankle, TO feels his 7 x $49 million contract isn’t enough to “feed (his) family.” That must be a HUGE family he’s got there! Oh, wait! His family consists of dead parents and grandparents, 3 half brothers and sisters, and an illegitimate son that he never sees. So, basically, TO needs more money because…? I don’t get it! You are under contract so shut up and play!

That ain’t gonna happen. TO originally said he would hold out of training camp this year. His new agent, Drew Rosenhaus is the bonehead behind that tactic. However, it is starting to backfire. The Eagles threatened to fine TO if he didn’t show up to training camp, so he showed up, but he said he was “not happy about it.” Yeah, I’m crying for you and your financial problems there, TO!

You know, Hines Ward of the Pittsburgh Steelers has been the most productive WR in the league wince 2001, including 4 straight Pro Bowl appearances on a team that runs the ball first, and he was promised a new contract after last season. He made $1.6 million last year and had 80 catches on a team that ran the ball more than any other team in the last 20 years. He was promised something, and he deserves a raise. And now Ward has reported to camp WITHOUT a new contract. In fact, he was on the sidelines on Monday when the Steelers played, of all teams, the Eagles! TO was probably doing more sit-ups on his driveway for the media. Ward did not play, but he was shown many times shouting encouragement to the younger WRs on the field. He was constantly clapping and giving a “thumbs up” sign to other players. Encouraging his team is a concept that is lost on TO. Hines Ward has respect for his teammates and coaches, and he wants to play football.

The whole TO situation blew up last week when he got into a tiff with coach Andy Reid. Among other things, TO refused to sign autographs for training camp attendees along with the rest for the team, and he and Reid ended up in a shouting match. TO was sent home for a week. TO reportedly said assistant coaches were mean to him and had no respect for him, yet he refuses to speak with any of them. Unfortunately, the Eagles lost a starting WR to injury for the year, so TO has some ground to stand on as far as contract negotiations are concerned. However, the Eagles will not renegotiate his contract, and TO’s jackass agent started hitting the media circuit to cry about it.

Drew Rosenhaus, one of the biggest and most powerful agents in sports, went on David Letterman (for some reason) last week. I watched just for a minute until DR tried to tell Letterman he was underpaid and how to cry his way into a new deal, and then I had to turn it off.

DR and TO came on TV at halftime of a nationally televised game to try to make their point to Chris Berman. After 10 minutes of whining how TO’s deal was “not fair” I think the world’s most powerful agent again came off like a desperate man that had nothing to stand on. Sure Rosenhaus made headlines for saving a drowning kid, but he’s got his client going down the river without a paddle right now and they can’t win.

The Eagles have made it to the NFC Championship game 4 years in a row now. They won it last year without TO on the field. The cancer needs to go away, and TO needs to shut up and play or just leave the game entirely. Teams have GOT to be afraid to pick him up if the Eagles can ever get rid of him, because he simply isn’t worth the trouble. Unless the guy signs 1-year only deals, he will do this to any team that tries to bring him aboard and they will all get screwed. With the salary cap in the NFL, nobody can afford that.

The media is eating up this attention, even camping out at TO’s home for interviews. Of course, this is playing right into TO’s hands. For the most part, the media is appalled at how things are going in Philly, other than an idiot Denver writer named Mark Kiszla. Kiszla wrote an article on Sunday DEFENDING the actions of TO – even calling him a genius! He’s claiming that TO is just another working stiff asking for a raise. Not true! Sure I’d like a raise, and so would anyone else that is part of America’s work force. However, the business world is COMPLETELY different than the sports world. Sure we sign contracts in some cases, and then we fulfill those responsibilities. However, in sports, every rule gets thrown out the window. Spoiled players name their terms, and then try to rename them just one year later while they are still committed to a contract. TO needs to honor his end of the deal, and Kiszla needs to quit writing ludicrous articles just to stir up controversy. I’m convinced that Mark Kiszla is a complete moron (his radio appearances had already cemented that in my mind) and he couldn’t make an intelligent argument on any issue. His only ability is to play the wrong card just to piss off the country. I guess ignorance is bliss, and writing about what you know people hate instead of what you actually believe in takes absolutely no talent and no heart.

Personally, I want TO to just go away. Like Mike Ditka said, he has not made the game better. In fact, I think he has brought it down a few notches. I won’t miss the antics, and I can find plenty of other things to write about. So, TO, take a hike and don’t forget your diapers and that awful attitude of yours.

Good riddance!

Pat Angello

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 8/16/05


How romantic! A couple is getting married at a McDonald’s. The two met when Ken Sinchar pulled into the drive-thru and Lori Sherbondy took his order. It was LOVE! He would come back every day at 12:30 just to flirt, and order crappy food. Before he hit 380 pounds, he decided to propose. The two were married at the drive-thru window as he sat in his minivan and she stood inside the order window. Look for the reality series next spring.

Hot power surges await you! A Milwaukee energy company sent out post cards that accidentally listed a phone-sex line for their own 800 number. Oops! So customers expected to hear something like, “Please hold. Your business is very important to us and we’ll be right with you.” Customers instead heard, "Wanna get with the sluttiest girls your imagination can dream up?" Making many older men in Milwaukee think, “This is the best energy company EVER!”

That is so CUTE! A man who owns a small mailing business found one customer to be a bit odd. Seems this customer would come in every 2 weeks and send a package to a different address in WI. The owner called the cops, and they found a teddy bear stuffed with marijuana inside the package. Maybe the guy has a lot of grandkids? Who smoke a lot of pot?

The kids at Northern Michigan University want to set a record for the world’s largest sauna. There’s nothing better than a sauna in the middle of summer! In fact, I think I went to the world’s largest sauna already – it’s called NY in July!

The Golden Palace Online Casino is at it again! They are now the proud owners of a pierogi that looks like Jesus. This item fits in well with other ebay purchases by the online casino, including a 10-year-old, partially eaten cheese sandwich thought to contain the image of the Virgin Mary; a pretzel shaped like the Virgin Mary holding a baby Jesus, a breast implant from a retired adult entertainer, and a pregnancy test that allegedly belonged to Britney Spears. Golden Palace Online Casino – the classiest joint on the ‘Net! I could probably halt consumption on a grilled cheese sandwich if I saw an image on it, but no matter who is on a pierogi, I’m scarfin that SOB down!

A real magic rabbit? A man in IL claims the incessant noise of his pet rabbit in the middle of the night forced him to notice his pregnant wife sleeping heavily with her eyes wide open. He called 911 and found out his wife had gestational diabetes – she could have died if he waited any longer. “I guess he won’t be dinner after all.”

Just when you thought it was safe to watch TV again! Kathie Lee Gifford is joining Pat O’Brien on the Insider. Isn’t Cody getting too big for ponies? I guess he needs a Porsche now!

There’s nothing like a dumb southern criminal! Some kid broke into a house in GA and called his mom while he was there. The victim simply hit the redial button and caught the kid and his girlfriend. Stinkin technology ruins EVERYTHING!

In India, hand-pulled rickshaws are being eliminated. Apparently this century-old traditional way of transportation is now suddenly inhumane. Tell that to the puller when he can no longer feed his kids.

Possibly the greatest gag ever? A man in London (wearing only a diaper) is approaching women late at night and asking, "Are there any baby changing facilities around here?" On an unrelated note, Vin Diesel has recently moved to London.

Also in London, some sick bastard sent an email to the family of one of the Tsunami victims saying their relative has been found alive. This is honestly one of the meanest things I have ever heard. What kind of comedic satisfaction could come out of playing this trick on someone? On an unrelated note, Ashton Kutcher has recently moved to London.

Do you ever wonder what happens to confiscated pot? The Russians know what to do with it! Moscow will feed all of their confiscated pot to, well, cows during the winter months. On an unrelated note, 700 new 7-11’s are scheduled to open in Russia this year.

Twinkie eating bovines!

Moo, Man. Ya know? Moo.

The Aristocrats!


Comedians are sick, sick individuals!

If you are offended easily – or not even that easily – if you get offended SOMETIMES then I suggest you just let the Aristocrats enjoy its few months at very limited theaters and pretend you don’t even know it exists. However, if you are difficult to offend and would like a look into the fraternity that is the comedian’s world, then you really need to check out this film!

The Aristocrats is a documentary about comics telling the same joke, over and over, and trying to out-do each other. The joke starts, “A man walks into a talent agent’s office and says, ‘have I got an act for you – it’s a family act!’ The talent agent says, ‘let me hear it!’” Then the comedian improvises and describes a family going on stage and doing the most despicable, disgusting, frightening, repulsive, lewd things that can come into his or her head. The punch line is always the same as the agent asks what the act is called, and the comedian says with glee, “The Aristocrats!”

Comedians Penn Gillette and Paul Provenza produced this film, which is about 90 minutes of interviews with famous comedians about this classic, inner-circle joke that has been around for years. Though the joke is rarely told on stage, there are a few comics that are bold enough to break into it. See the climactic, historical scene where Gilbert Gottfried uses it to save his ass. Gottfried thought that the Friar’s roast of Hugh Heffner, 2 months after 9/11, was an appropriate time to pull out jokes like, “I’m sorry I’m late – I missed my connecting flight at the Empire State Building.” Needless to say, he was getting booed. So, just for the hell of it, he broke into the Aristocrats, leaving Rob Schneider and Jimmy Kimmel literally rolling on the floor. After tons of filth and flarl and flarl and filth exited his mouth, Gottfried nonchalantly says, “I think they might have to edit this a little for TV,”

Comedians in this documentary include Sarah Silverman, Whoopi Goldberg, Robin Williams, Dana Gould, Drew Cary, Larry Miller, Richard Jeni, Mario Cantone (impersonating Liza Minelli), Jake Johannsen, Phyllis Diller, Carrie Fisher, Hank Azaria, Dom Irrera, David Brenner, Kevin Pollack (impersonating Christopher Walken),Lewis Black, Judy Gold, George Carlin, Carrot Top, Andy Dick, Bill Maher, Jon Stewart, Eric Idle, Eddie Izzard, Paul Reiser, Billy the Mime (yes, a mime version of this joke), and, believe it or not, Bob Saget (plus others). Only a few actually tell their version of the joke, and you will see that Saget is clearly a disturbed man, like NOTHING you have ever seen on Full House or Funniest Videos! He is delightfully sinister and vile, and he will forever change the way you viewed him.

Yeah, it’s a sick world full of sick people, and I enjoy it quite a bit! In fact, I think I’ll enjoy the world’s dirtiest joke again sometime this week with my brother!

4.5 out of 5!

Sunday, August 14, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 8/14/05


MORE FANS!

The Pat Angello Fan Club is growing, with 107 people on the email list! WOO! And that doesn’t even count the people who visit the blog on a regular basis. If you are one of those people, and you want to know when I update, just send me an email and I’ll add you to the list! My goal? To eclipse the Fred Savage Fan Club. That would mean about 6 more members.

THANKS!

I was going to start with Terrell Owens, but I’m thinking it deserves an entire column. Look for an open letter to Terrell later this week. BTW, I am really glad that Rush Limbaugh feels he needs to be involved, since he and McNabb are on such good terms. Oh, and I’m disgusted that local sports columnist Mark Kisla thinks Owens’ actions are GOOD for football. See? There’s way too much to cover here!!!

Way to go Bradlee! B-Rad had a decent game for the Broncos on Saturday. I loved the 3rd and 6 call where he ran a QB draw from under center for 40 yards. He put an open-field move on a safety who couldn’t have tackled him if they were playing 1-hand touch! The guy caught nothing but BVP’s wind! Even though he made a few bad passes (though no INT’s) in the red zone, it’s nice to know that there will be someone exciting to watch in case Jake gets hurt. The defense looked OK all around, but exceptional on the goal line stand. Derrent Williams, the rookie CB and kick returner, looks like he will be a blast to watch this year. The over/under on him seeing the end zone on a kick or punt return this year? I’d have to say 3.

Bad dog, er, man! A 20-year-old man in Louisiana is being charged for battery for allegedly biting a mail carrier. The man ran out of his house, barking like a dog, and bit the mailman on the shoulder. And we wonder how mail carriers go off the deep end!

In case you currently feel good about humanity, this should change your mind. Someone broke into a Texas church and stole computers and the church’s petty cash. The kicker, however, is that they also broke into the kindergarten kids’ piggy banks and took that money as well. First, what kind of disgusting person steals from a church? Secondly, how much money could really be in these piggy banks? Is it worth it to destroy the mind of a 5-year-old for $3.17? Some people can’t go to hell fast enough!

Are radio stations this stupid, or desperate, to try to gain listeners? A station in FL thought it would be funny to have 3 guys dress like prison inmates, shackles and all, and stick them on a busy street trying to hitch a ride. Obviously they scared the crap out of people and the police showed up quickly. This is like a bad Kids in the Hall sketch.

Don’t run, dammit! Some idiot criminal took off from police when they tried to arrest him for domestic violence, so they shot him in the shoulder as he sped away. They chased him down, but he AGAIN didn’t listen so they got him again in the same shoulder! What do you tell a stupid criminal with two bullets in his shoulder? Nothing he hasn’t heard twice already.

Doesn’t the USOC have better things to worry about? The Ferret Olympics must change their name after being pushed around by the USOC. Eliminating popular events like softball and baseball isn’t enough, now they have to go after the poor ferrets. How bad is the drug problem in international competition again? How crooked are the judges for Olympic events? Ah, forget that stuff! The real problem is a 10-year-old festival that dares use the name “Olympics” in its title. Heck, you think the ferrets would be embarrassed to be associated with that organization!

Each week it’s the same thing. I start reading Entertainment Weekly and I come across an ad for a new reality TV show that makes me ashamed to be an American. The latest: Battle of the Reality TV Network Stars. Having the midget from the Amazing Race on your tug-o-war team does not sound like an asset.

Too vulgar even for the Brits? The Jerry Springer opera airing it England is too vulgar, according to the record number of complaints after it aired. Um, what did they expect? Uh, why on earth is there a Jerry Springer opera? Just to give you an idea of how pathetic this “opera” is, there are songs called, “Honey I’m a Call Girl” and “Bring on the Bisexuals” plus a tap dance routine by KKK members. Fun for the whole trailer park!

On that note, I’m off to see the Aristocrats! A review will be coming this week.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 8/11/05

But I still love her! Courtney Love has failed yet another drug test. She’s claiming to be clean and sober for a year now, and she HAS fallen out of the celebrity train wreck spotlight for quite some time. Who knows? CL is still one of my favorite musicians however. Ya gotta feel for Frances Bean, the kid! 1) Her name is Frances Bean. 2) Her daddy blew his head off (probably because he realized they named the kid Frances Bean). 3) Her mother is a complete mess. If there is any celebrity kid that needs a reality TV show, here she is!

For the record, the kids on Filthy Rich Cattle Drive all need to be slapped SUPER hard!

This guy should have moved to Canada! An Air Force Lt. Col. defaced cars bearing pro-Bush bumper stickers at Denver International Airport. See? He’d rather stay here and do stupid crap like this than leave the country! This brings me to a point I made a LONG time ago: The election is over, remove the sticker (no matter which one), let it go, and replace it with a PAFC sticker!

Warning, this may be insensitive, but I still don’t see it! A radio show host was fired – FIRED – for saying that the San Francisco Giants have too many “brain-dead Caribbean hitters hacking at slop nightly.” Giants’ manager, Felipe Alou, screamed “racial slur” and the host got fired this week. Let’s rephrase this. How about a local sports talk show host says that the Avalanche have too many “brain-dead European wingers that skate like they are in mud.” Would he get fired? Is naming the origin of people’s descent now a racial slur? I don’t see it, and I’m not buying it.

That’s one helluva hike! A man from Utah said he was going for a hike and then he disappeared. All the way to Australia! Authorities may charge him for a search and rescue effort as friends reported him missing. Maybe he was just bored? Who needs a babysitter anyway!

A man in Reno has admitted to lying about being in the original Wonka movie. Ezzy Dame claims he was an oompah-loompah, but he was never in the film. He never made any money from it, he just liked to tell people that, and who got hurt? Wouldn’t it kinda make your day if you ended up meeting an oompah-loompah? You know, I was Ralph Macchio’s stand-in for the Karate Kid. Who wants to touch me? I said, who wants to %$#@ touch me?!

Just like in the movies! A man in CA got ticked off at a car alarm so he shot the vehicle 3 times. Temper, temper! The car belonged to a sailor who wondered what the guy would do if kids were making too much noise. Hopefully, we’ll never find out!

No wonder he had a heart condition! A British man awoke from triple-bypass surgery to find his 3 wives waiting to say hello. Apparently, the bigamists’ wives got to be good friends while he was under, though they had never met before. Sneaky bastard was married to three women at the same time. OK, HOW? Not that I want to do that, I just want to know how the heck did he juggle the three? My wife and I pretty much know where we are all the time, I can’t even imagine!

Those poor Guantanamo Bay detainees! They ARE being tortured, we’re making them (gasp!) READ! What? No TV? I guess Harry Potter will have to suffice!

The most boring catfight EVER! An elderly couple from Tokyo is claiming that they, not the couple from Philly, are the oldest married couple in the world. Will Guinness ever be the same? I demand to know who the REAL oldest couple in the world is! I won’t sleep until justice is served and the tiara is on the correct blue hair!

You know, they whine in Britain too! A brother/sister pop act refused to play their hit single on a TV show when the host introduced them with, "What do you get when you put two brothers and sisters in a band? A big fat melting pot of talent." They thought it was hurtful. Get over yourself! These people will NEVER make it in the music biz!

A 75-year-old man in Berlin ran over his wife – TWICE! He was so shocked when he backed over her, that he went forward and got her again! It’s only funny because she survived. Accidental, eh?

Crosswalk? The number of pedestrian deaths in Sao Paulo Brazil is actually HIGHER than the number of driver and passenger deaths! Does this count bikers?

Thanks, I’ll be here all week! A man in NY is putting on a one-man Star Wars trilogy that lasts about an hour. That’s a GREAT idea! Now what am I gonna do for Freak Train this month?

OK, I just want Terrell Owens to go away now. Coach Reid finally threw the idiot out of camp and sent him home. I can’t hear him cry that his 7-year/$49 MM contract won’t support his family! BTW, his family consists of 3 half-brothers and sisters, NO parents, and an illegitimate child he rarely sees. I can see how that cheap salary can barely put food on his table! See, I thought he needed more money so he could make a bigger and more powerful donation to cancer research or the Tsunami victims. No? His jackass agent was on Letterman last night, and he came off as a complete bunghole! (Wow, spell check accepted “bunghole”!) Why even book the guy? Anyway, TO needs to just shut up and play. Mainly, just shut up!

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!