Sunday, April 24, 2005

PAFC Newsletter 4/24/05

Let’s start with this week’s sign the end of the world is coming shortly: There is a new Mitsubishi ad featuring the song “Uncontrollable Urge” by Devo. First of all, this is my all-time favorite Devo song, mainly because of the guitar riff and beat, etc. What Mitsubishi fails to realize is the song is about, um, self gratification – and not the car buying kind, if ya know what I mean…

What has happened to the Yankees? I guess $200 million is the point where the players are no longer motivated and just there to collect the dough! Seeing the Yankees near the bottom of their division and the Washington Nationals near the top of theirs is very surreal. It’s like Flavor Flav dating someone like Brigitte Nielson, like that’ll ever happen. The best part is the left side of the infield makes about as much in salary as the entire Nationals team! I know, there are only about 145 games to go in baseball. So why did I lead off with it? No pun intended. Well, sorta. The day an expansion team wins the pennant is the day cars fly.

Did you hear about the new flying cars? NASA has built a highway in the sky, a computer system that allows millions of people to take off and land wherever they want, and the cars are just around the corner! Woody Norris created the AirScooter, a machine that can fly for 2 hours at 55 mph, and go up to 10,000 feet above sea level. It operates kinda like a motorcycle and will run about $50K. Sure we’re about 10-15 years away from this reality, but I want one! Yeah!

Think yer hot? Currently there’s an investigation in Seattle going on about a man who caught fire during emergency heart surgery! The two-year-old incident became publicly known after an anonymous letter sent to the media said the patient burned to death. Actually, he died from heart failure, but how the heck did he catch fire? Apparently some alcohol was used in the surgery and ignited with a metal instrument. Didn’t Bruce Springsteen write a song about this?

Time for the creepy story of the week: a man hired by AOL to monitor young people in chat rooms decided it would be OK for him to meet with an underage girl from said chat room for naughty stuff. Do they do any background checks when they hire these people? Fortunately his coworkers got suspicious and stopped him before he met the girl. That’s just yucky!

I am in no way, shape or form an art snob. In fact, when we went to the Guggenheim in NY, I felt a little gypped when seeing a white canvas with off-white paint covering it – and that was it! That was supposed to be worth thousands of dollars? Anyway, I also don’t understand how a woman giving birth in a gallery can be deemed art as well. I guess people in Berlin think it is! A woman was scheduled to give birth in the museum today with about 30 onlookers. Is there really that fine of a line between education and art?

A man who was unhappy with the surgery to increase the size of his, uh, little buddy, decided to blow stuff up! He actually mailed a bomb to the plastic surgeon that operated on him. Some people are never satisfied! Fortunately he turned himself in before anyone was hurt. Well, someone apparently was hurt just a little, tiny, weenie, itty-bitty bit.

Just in case the Al Gore network doesn’t cure your insomnia, Martha Stewart is getting Sirius! Yup, you can listen to Martha 24-7 on Sirius satellite radio. It’s not a good thing! How much droning on about flowers and glassware and paint swatches can one handle? I’d almost rather watch Jane Austen’s British, pompous, chick-flick goo! Almost!

“They mostly come out at night. Mostly.”

Hmm… There’s an idea for the next PAFC contest – name the film quote! OK, first one to name the film I quoted above gets a PAFC button! You don’t have to tell me who said it, just name the film!

I am so enamored with Sean “Puffy” Combs that I’ve been signing my emails at work “P. Diddy.” But I’ve suddenly lost a little (ha!) respect for Puffy. See, he didn’t even show up for “Diddy Day!” The mayor of Las Vegas set up the event in anticipation of a business venture announcement, but Diddy didn’t disembark. Dang! Diddy, dude, don’t be dissin’!

The idiot Red Sox fan that took a swipe at Yankees right fielder Gary Sheffield had his season tickets for 2005 revoked. As it should be! Was it worth the time on SportsCenter? Probably was to him! This is about the only thing that made Steinbrenner happy last week!

In the dumbest move possible, Monday Night Football will be moving to ESPN in 2006. And now NBC will get the Sunday night games! So, ABC, who is always in the top 3 in ratings with MNF, will be the only major network with no NFL games to televise. What the heck? Don’t they realize that half of their viewers are rednecks from the back woods of Arkansas with big ol’ antennae on their trailers?

Was it a case of too little too late? Sure Jane Fonda has apologized for her 1972 visit to Hanoi to protest the Vietnam War, during which she was photographed on a North Vietnamese anti-aircraft gun. However, that didn’t stop a man from standing in line at her book signing in Kansas City for the sole purpose of spitting tobacco juice in her face. I could pretty much care less about her, don’t particularly like her or dislike her either way. However, she did handle the situation with dignity and class by not even getting up from her seat, having the juice wiped off, and continuing to sign books for her fans. If you really think about this, it could have been a lot worse! I know she’s made quite a few veterans hate her with all of their heart, but this guy could have been packing something other than tobacco!

I love feisty granny stories! A 90-year-old woman in Maine grabbed a bobcat by the tail to free her pet cat from its mouth. When she saw her pet cats head in the mouth of the bobcat, she ran outside and held a shovel against the neck of the bobcat. When that didn’t work, she grabbed the bobcat by the head and pulled on its tail. The woman said she had no fear because her other cat was mauled just two days earlier by a bobcat. Maybe a high-rise retirement home would be a little safer for the kitty!

I know people will sell anything on eBay, but this is just getting ridiculous! A woman in Bangladeshi, desperate for money after she was abandoned by her husband, has offered to sell one of her eyes. Granted it’s not on eBay – yet. If this poverty stricken country has no work for her, then who would be able to afford to buy her eye? Know your audience people! OK, this is a sad story and that was mean.

A man in Alaska, who was fortunate enough to survive being mauled by a bear 38 years ago, is apparently a bear magnet as he was recently mauled again AND is expected to make a full recovery! Lightning doesn’t strike the same place twice – my patootie! Dude, find a new hiking trail!

The One We Shall Not Mention has cut ties with her friend and costar of that atrocious show The Simple Life, Nicole Richie. In a classy 7th grade move, Skanky said, “Nicole knows what she did, and that's all I'm ever going to say about it.” Ah, Social Studies with Ms. Gordon all over again! Why can’t the two of them just, ya know, disappear for, say, the next 40 years? Please, as a personal favor to me?

YAY – Bennifer is BACK! Ben Affleck is engaged again to Jennifer Garner! Quick, get me a People magazine subscription so I can read about it every week!

It turns out that the whole finger in the Wendy’s chili was a set up! Congrats to Anna Ayala for costing many people their jobs and the company millions of dollars in revenue – she deserves to be arrested and hopefully will go to jail for a long time. I think everyone that reads this column should go to their local Wendy’s this week and buy something – anything. You don’t necessarily have to eat it, but Wendy’s has always been that other burger place trying to keep up with McD’s and BK. Besides, owner Dave Thomas was a class act and charitable guy when he was alive. I’m disturbed that they now have such a negative vibe because of one stupid woman trying to get a settlement! Support them, please!

A wall stain in a highway underpass in Chicago has drawn scores of people that think it looks like the Virgin Mary. People are coming from all around to pray, light candles, bring traffic to a stop. It’s great to see people have faith, but c’mon – it’s a stain on a wall under a bridge, not a miracle!

Just for the heck of it, my NBA Playoff Predictions:

West Round 1:
PHX over MEM
DEN over SA
SEA over SAC
HOU over DAL

West Round 2:
PHX over HOU
DEN over SEA

West Conference Championship:
PHX over DEN

East Round 1:
MIA over NJ
DET over PHI
CHI over WAS
IND over BOS

East Round 2:
MIA over IND
CHI over DET

East Conference Championship:
MIA over CHI

NBA Championship:
MIA over PHX

It’s gonna be a hot final!

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Revelations, NBC Wednesdays

I saw a ton of ads for this in the theaters, even though it’s a TV mini-series, and it really caught my eye. First of all, it deals with The End of Days (The Book of Revelation) and secondly, Bill Pullman! I’ve really enjoyed Pullman in just about anything he’s been in, so I had to watch. Fortunately, NBC is doing a good job of repeating the first episode (3rd time on Wednesday at 7 before episode 2 of 6 airs immediately following at 8). I say spend the two hours on Wednesday and watch. Besides, Lost (at 7) is a repeat, so there’s nothing to lose!

Revelations is trying to draw out about 2.5 hours into 6 so it moves just a little slowly, but you can’t argue with executive producer Gavin Polone (Panic Room) and writer/creator David Seltzer (The Omen). There are some pretty creepy and weird things happening, but it is all on a TV budget.

Bill Pullman plays Harvard professor Dr. Richard Massey, an astrophysicist whose certainty that all worldly events can be explained by Science is challenged by Sister Josepha Montafiore (Natascha McElhone). Of course they are drawn together by personal tragedy and are propelled into a deepening mystery, finding evidence that the world is coming to an end. Blah, blah, blah.

OK, so I actually found it intriguing. Again, I really like Pullman and he is his usual self in this show. Also, I really enjoy this issue – I find it fascinating that the weather will go nuts and some abandoned kid will bring the end of time. Gimme a girl struck by lightning, brain dead and babbling Latin and ya got me! Show me a murdered who claims to be chosen by God and I’m in! I want the dogs and cats living together – mass hysteria!

Whatever, just give it the first hour on Wednesday and see if you can resist the second. Hopefully it will pick up the pace just a smidge!

3.5 out of 5 so far!

Sunday, April 17, 2005

PAFC Newsletter 4/17/05

OK PAFC contestants – your PAFC bumper stickers are in and will be sent to you this week. Thanks for playing! Another contest will be coming soon.

Make sure you check out the merchandise at www.cafepress.com/pafc and www.cafepress.com/pafc2! Any orders placed through April will mean I donate $5 to the AHA in Smitty’s name. Help me out!

Apparently “C” being for cookie ISN’T good enough anymore – now it’s going to be for carrot! The beloved Cookie Monster from Sesame Street is going to start promoting healthy food now. Why? It’s a kids TV show – we know that children aren’t supposed to eat only cookies! The saddest part is people are literally lining up outside PBS to protest! So, if you’re ever down in the dumps and feel like you have no life, just remember – at least you’re not picketing the eating habits of a muppet!

It’s the feel horrible story of the year: after being taunted for losing in a little league baseball game, one kid attacked another with an aluminum bat and killed him. Now, I’m all for NOT blaming society about these incidents – it really is the responsibility of the parents to teach their kids right from wrong, and this is remarkably wrong. However, if there is ever a violent outbreak in a professional sporting event, it’s the lead story on the local news and overanalyzed on ESPN for days. Does this influence the kids? I remember a college basketBRAWL right after Ron Artest went goofy and ran into the stands after a fan, and the players involved in the college incident thought they were as cool as Artest and couldn’t wait to watch SportsCenter! It was as if they planned the whole thing! After hearing about the baseball story, I tried to imagine the horror in the minds of both sets of parents as it unfolded. Granted I don’t have kids, but I take a lot of pride in my nieces and nephews and I try to be a positive influence on their lives by coaching and encouraging them in anything from sports to music to whatever! It would absolutely destroy me if they were ever involved in anything like this. However, I know they have been brought up properly and the chances of something like this happening are extremely slim, God bless ‘em!

And God bless my mother as well. She mentioned seeing the Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro show on MTV last week. Why my mother was watching MTV I have no clue! However, she was appalled – APPALLED – by how C & D are always drunk or hung over. She was scared that children could be watching this show. I hate to break it to her, but many children watch MTV and this is one of the least disgusting shows they have! MTV is nothing but crap right now, and they have infected M2 with it! When Purdy showed me M2 on Dish Network a few years back, it prompted me to get a dish – a station that showed music videos all the time, finally! But MTV bought M2 and turned it into MTV2, which means it’s full of more crap now and never plays videos. VH1 is in the toilet as well (though VH1 Classic is pretty fun!). Then Much Music USA came along and they played videos all the time. They switched their name to Fuse, and now they are starting to go to some reality programming. Why? Why can’t there be a station that plays music videos all the time to introduce us to new music? It’s not like the radio stations in Colorado have any diversity! Remember, MTV stands for MUSIC television!

And now for something completely different:

OK, I saw this article on the AP and laughed so hard I thought I’d just cut and paste it in as is:

Colorado Man Resuscitates Chicken

Apr 15, 7:12 AM (ET)

COLLBRAN, Colo. (AP) - First there was Mike the Headless Chicken, a rooster that survived for 18 months after having its head lopped off with an ax.

Now, western Colorado has a new chicken survival story, this one involving a man who claims he saved his fowl by giving it mouth-to-beak resuscitation.

Uegene Safken says one of the chickens in his young flock had gotten into a tub of water in the yard last week and appeared to have died.

Safken said he first swung the chicken by the feet to revive it. When that failed, he continued swinging and blowing into its beak.

"Then one eye opened. I thought it was an involuntary response," Safken said. The chicken's beak opened a little wider, and Safken started yelling at it: "You're too young to die!

"Every time I'd yell at him, he'd chirp," Safken said.

Mike the Headless Chicken survived a beheading in 1945 in Fruita, Colo. Afterward, Mike could go through the motions of pecking for food, and when he tried to crow, a gurgle came out. His owner put feed and water directly into Mike's gullet with an eyedropper.

Scientists examined the chicken and theorized Mike had enough of a brain stem left to live headless. He was a popular attraction until he choked to death on a corn kernel.

Seriously, what can you say?

Let me ask a question: what decade are we in? It is the 21st century, yes? I’m just asking because I’m pretty sure a white person putting on blackface was taboo a LONG time ago. Is it just me or is this common knowledge? Apparently it’s not common knowledge in (brace yourself) Georgia! A high school teacher named Greg Dougherty wore brown makeup on his face and arms and an Afro wig to a student-faculty basketball game. And he didn’t think it would offend anyone. Ted Danson pulled this stunt once and hasn’t had an acting job since!

Rituals in other cultures fascinate me sometimes. Did you know most Jewish people don’t eat pork? Amazing! Even crazier is a ritual in India called “the festival of pits.” People are getting arrested for performing this ritual where children (some less than a year old) are buried alive for up to a full minute before being dug up. But don’t worry because the children are drugged unconscious first. I’ve also heard that people in Mexico don’t call it Mexican food – they just call it food. Whatever! Oh, and Canadians like hockey. Weird!

Speaking of Canadians liking hockey, some amateur hockey players in Toronto want to play for the Stanley Cup. “The fact that the NHL has suspended its play this year doesn't mean that Canadians and others don't have the right to compete for the Stanley Cup,” said Tim Gilbert, the groups' lawyer. Um, I’m pretty sure it does. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the Stanley Cup awarded to the winner of the NHL tournament? I’m frustrated that there’s no NHL this year, but if they want to award the Stanley Cup, at least go for a league that has some NHL farm teams in it and not a bunch of weekend playing truck drivers!

Like my brother would say, “quit faking it!” The woman who found a finger in her bowl of Wendy’s chili decided not to sue the restaurant. She’s claiming it’s causing her too much emotional distress, which I thought was the reason she decided to sue in the first place! You know she set the whole thing up and can’t prove that Wendy’s was at fault. It’s like people pulling their own hair out at a fancy restaurant and sticking it on the plate in attempt to get a free meal. I once sent a meatball back at an Italian restaurant, but only because it was awful! Don’t get me started on restaurant meatballs!

I’ve heard all sorts of stories about people calling 911 for the dumbest reasons. In fact, you’ve probably heard the recording of the girl who called 911 because Burger King kept messing up her order. I’m sure these bogus calls frustrate the operators, and one finally had enough and mouthed off to someone that called. Of course, now he’s in trouble for it. Some woman called 911 because her child was being unruly, and the operator asked, “Do you want us to come over there and shoot her?” Wow! Ouch! NICE! Yer fired!

I know you all read my article about upcoming reality TV shows (and some of you thought I was making them up!) on the blog (http://patangello.blogspot.com), but I forgot to mention Britney Spears and Kevin Federline will have one this summer. AND she’s preggo! Now we get to see how much in love they are – sigh! Isn’t that sweet? I can’t wait to see the BBQ’s with his ex-girlfriends and 14 other kids! I wonder if that booty of hers can actually get any bigger.

“Oh, here it is – right between the Baby Gap and Eddie Bauer!” In Budapest Hungary, there are going to be stores in malls where hookers can solicit, uh, the deed. They can’t actually do it there, but I’m scared that there will actually be a store for that. OK, someone needs to send me a Top 11 Rejected Names for the Prostitute Stores, because I can’t print it here and give it justice. Children read this ya know!

A 17-year-old is in jail for stealing a head from a buried corpse. I guess there’s nothing to do in Vermont when you’re a teenager! Police have no motive yet, but they believe he was going to use the head for a bong. Wow! They must have some good pot in Vermont! His parents must be so proud! How do you find a girlfriend after stealing a head from a corpse and admitting that you were going to use it as a bong? Actually, I can picture this girl in my head – I think I went to high school with her too!

You know, in Singapore people can be sentenced to death for dealing pot. In the US, I’m pretty sure they get clean clothes and a place to stay with cable TV for a few months. However, a set of twins is trying to free their father from death row in Singapore where he will be hanged and leave the kids as orphans. Besides, he got them the best pot, so they have to get him out! In fact, I hear he even has clients in Vermont!

Rapper Foxy Brown is in trouble for allegedly beating up two salon workers for giving her a crappy pedicure. “I said zebra stripes on the left foot and leopard spots on the right – DAMN!” Actually, she was in shock – IN SHOCK – that the pedicure cost an incredible $20. How cheap is this girl? I thought the more they spent, the better they thought the product was! Where did she get this pedicure, Wal-Mart?

Just when you thought it was safe to drive in New York! Billy Joel is out of rehab and behind the wheel again! As if you couldn’t tell, Joel was in treatment for alcohol abuse. Incredibly, losing Christy Brinkley didn’t even sober him up! I guess when he finally went through that diner window in Spiderman 2 he decided it was time for help!

Yeah, I stole that joke from Conan, and?

Trying to support a crappy baseball team in Colorado is one thing, but when one of the no-name players gets suspended for steroid use, it’s even that much harder! Colorado Rockies outfielder Jorge Piedra has been caught cheating, but nobody knows who he is anyway. He was such an important part of this 2-9 team! Now who’s going to step up and be the unknown man?

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Stacked, FOX Wednesdays

I really wanted to hate this show. I went in to it with a chip on my shoulder and questioning how and why Pamela Anderson was starring in a sitcom. Honestly, I see nothing attractive about her – she is completely plastic and borderline scary looking, yet the typical American male finds her fascinating. I find THAT fascinating, yet disturbing at the same time.

The pilot episode takes place entirely in one set – a bookstore run by Gavin Miller (Elon Gold). Gavin is divorced (though he pines for his witch of an ex-wife) with two kids and has failed as an author. He has hired his high school buddy, Stuart (Brian Scolaro) to help him run the store. Stuart is a slightly round and a slightly, uh, anxious, typical 30-something male with no direction. He’s basically the funny, sort of fat guy. Katrina (Marissa Jaret Winokur), a rotund smart aleck with frizzy hair, runs the coffee shop inside the bookstore. And God bless FOX for putting Reverend Jim “Iggy” Ignatowski back on the air! Christopher Lloyd (Taxi, Back to the Future) plays Harold March, a brilliant, retired man and steady customer who wants nothing but a newspaper and good coffee.

Let the show begin!

Enter: Anderson. Her character’s name is Skylar, and she’s basically a dingy floozy who is tired of being attracted to the bad boy. She strolls in, gets into a fight on her cell phone with her rocker boyfriend (who she caught in bed with two other women), and decides she needs a self-help book to get over him. Of course, Stuart is more than happy to assist. She spends the afternoon reading a “Self-Help for Dummies” type book in the store and having revelation after revelation. Gavin tries to suggest a self-help book by a noted professional, but the simplicity of the book she has in hand is perfect for her. Besides, the picture on the back of the professional looks mean to her, and she thinks his Flava Flav medallion is goofy looking. Gavin points out that it is a Nobel Prize.

Gavin’s wife comes in and tells him that she is seeing a new man – a doctor. To be competitive, Gavin says he has a new girlfriend too. He fakes answering his cell, walks over to Skylar (SKYLAR?), and asks her to act like his new girlfriend. Gavin’s son says, “Dad, way to go!” and stares at Skylar’s ridiculous implants for a very uncomfortable amount of time.

There is slight sexual tension between Gavin and Skylar, and I think that’s the direction this show will move. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, because it just might work. I’d be lying if I didn’t say the show made me laugh, because there certainly were lines that DID make me laugh. Anderson is not great, but she can somewhat hold her own. Gold and Scolaro have good chemistry and comedic timing, and Lloyd is as sharp as ever. You know, if Lost is a repeat, I may even watch it again!

3 out of 5!

UnREAL!

For those of you that know me at all, you know how much I L-O-V-E reality TV!

Can you smell that? That’s sarcasm!

I’m severely disturbed by shows such as Growing up Gotti, The Gastineau Girls, and The Simple Life. Anyway, just in case those shows haven’t convinced you the apocalypse is coming, let me show you what this summer has to offer in reality TV:

PREMIERS FIRDAY (TO)NIGHT! Sheer Dallas! Who doesn’t want to look at Dallas’ biggest set of rich idiots? Larry Hagman narrates, which should be your first sign to run away screaming! See the ad for this show in any current entertainment magazine and tell me what exactly Carolyn Shamis is! She’s had so much plastic surgery on her face, Michael Jackson is jealous!

Remember Fantasy Island? Well CBS is making people’s fantasies come true (less the unintelligible midget) on Crossroads. Da pain! Da PAIN!!!

Like you, my favorite episodes (only?) of Jenny Jones’ show centered on bratty kids that are sent off to boot camp. So ABC decided to stretch these exciting 3 minutes into a full series called Brat Camp. Make yer bed, soldier!

Miracle Workers is a show where ABC sends a “team of experts” to assist families who can’t pay for medical care. Is this team financial or medical? Either way, the days of physicians like my father are long gone!

With a strangle hold on the soon-to-be longest running reality TV show, FOX has introduced Who Wants to Live Forever! This series promised to shave years from the contestants’ ages. Season 2 premiers in 2055.

Since Project Runway (what?) was SO popular, CBS has stolen the show and changed its name to The Cut. I may be wrong here, but I’m not sure Bravo is a substantial breeding ground for reality TV.

The mother of the one we shall not mention has a new show called Who Wants to be a Hilton. Sigh! This is where natural selection needs to take over the world! Can we please take all contestants and applicants for this show and just put them someplace where they are in no danger of reproducing?

Out of the slammer and into the fire(d)! Martha Stewart needs an Apprentice! Her catch phrase? “I don’t think you are quite right for this position, but we really appreciate your time and effort – best of luck in the future!”

Since rock groups don’t hold auditions for a new singer everyday… Oh, the sarcasm is SEARING today! Rock Star (not the movie, but basically the exact same stinkin’ thing!) is a show that will carry us through the process of replacing dead INXS front man, Michael Hutchence. This is SO original! Remember when CBS had their #^%@$ together?

What’s that? You can’t get enough of singing auditions for pop groups? Well praise God for RU the Girl, a show where people audition for the rest of TLC (that would be just T and C) to replace dead Lisa Left Eye Lopes. Believe it or not, UPN has this gem! Anyone with a name NOT starting with the letter “L” and no history of pyromania need not apply!

For those of you that thought You Got Served was a great film – all both of you – here comes FOX’s Dance Nation. At least the acting and script can’t get any worse!

ABC joins the dance fever with a yet-to-be-named show that follows eight celebrities (please take that term lightly) as they train to compete in a live ballroom competition. You know, Tonya Harding and Carrot Top are almost as good as Jennifer Gray and Patrick Swayze, but Gary Coleman and Rikki Lake put John Travolta and Uma Thurman to shame!

Finally, nerds get the hotties! Actually they get blatantly teased by the hotties. Ashton Kutcher masterminds (HAHA) Beauty and the Geek, a show where good-looking women have to interact with dweebs. I’ve seen this show – it was called Chemistry Class in 10th grade!

Please take my advice – get an outdoor life this summer. As you can see, there’s a whole bunch of nothing on TV!

Monday, April 11, 2005

PAFC Newsletter 4/10/05

YAY for the newest PAFC contest winners! And remember, for those who participated, a lil’ sumpin’-sumpin’ is comin’ yer way!

People are saying the new merchandise site (www.cafepress.com/pafc2) is like 10 times better than the original (www.cafepress.com/pafc)! Go check ‘em both out and judge for yourself! Remember, for any order placed at either site in the month of April, I will donate $5 to the American Heart Association in Mark “Smitty” Smith’s name. C’mon, help me raise some dough here!

I wanted to thank those of you who supported me on Saturday as I did a little stand-up comedy at our glorious church talent show. I had a lot of fun, and I really appreciate y’all showing up! Hope you enjoyed it. I felt good, and I think it went well. So, I am certainly game to go at it again at an open-mike night and I will keep everyone posted!

Ah, Colorado! The only state where it can be 53 degrees at 10 PM on Saturday night only to wake you up on Sunday to a blizzard with a good foot of snow on the ground at 9 AM! Amazing!

BTW, my back is killing me from shoveling – and my wife did half the work!

This is a scary story and I’m currently keeping an eye on ESPN to see what happened! Apparently DT/OL Al Lucas (formerly of the Carolina Panthers) suffered a spinal injury in an Arena Football game today and passed away. It’s scary enough to see major injuries from football, but I don’t ever recall someone dying in a game.

BTW, until the Crush can outscore the Nuggets, I don’t really care about Arena Football!

Is Tiger back? After edging out Chris DiMarco in a 1-hole playoff at the Masters, Tiger Woods has regained the number 1 ranking in the world. I’m really glad, because I always thought Vijay Singh was kind of a jerk. Seriously, the guy spoke his mind just a bit too much. Learn when to keep quiet! I know he was incredible last year, but how can you root for someone so degrading to everyone, including women. I remember when I was working for a golf club manufacturer and we were pursuing Fuzzy Zoeller as a spokesperson. Then Fuzzy made a “fried chicken and watermelon” comment about Tiger Woods. Nice! Suddenly, we weren’t that interested anymore and we had an interracially married employee threaten to leave the company if we hired Fuzzy. Well, we steered clear and found no decent big name golfer to endorse the product and we eventually went out of business. So, what was the point I was trying to make? Oh yeah! Vijay’s a pig! Go Tiger! And the crowd shots of his wife aren’t hurting either. OUCH! Oh, so maybe they are hurting…

BTW, watermelon flavored Smirnoff Twisted is nummy!

Watch out for the rich Colorado kids partying! DU won their second straight NCAA hockey title by beating North Dakota 4-1! YAY! Is this a dynasty in the making? The goaltenders are a sophomore and a freshman, and the best forward is also a freshman. Besides, it’s not like the NHL is going to bring someone up anytime soon! The DU-CC battles this season, like always, were fantastic to watch. Congratulations to DU and get the shirtless guys out of the intersection at Evans and University! Seriously, nobody needs to see that!

BTW, I left my shirt on when I entertained the church. FYI!

My Uncle Tom is in town for a few months, which is awesome! He is a Catholic priest and was part of a two man tag team that performed our wedding (the other being Katy’s uncle, a Methodist minister who we like to call Uncle Dave). Tom went to a week-long seminar last week that was led by Boulderite Ken Wilbur, a Buddhist following philosopher. Tom is a big fan of Wilbur and calls him Colorado’s best kept secret. Must be, because I have never heard of him! Anyway, Tom ended up in a one-on-one physical dynamics exercise with some singer of a rock band, “Ed Kowalski or something…” I corrected him and said, “Ed Kowalczyk?” He agreed and I kinda freaked out – for my wife. See, Ed sings for a band called Live, my wife’s all-time favorite band. Actually, I think Ed is the only man alive my wife would leave me for, or at least he’s at the top of her long list. When I told her my uncle was face-to-face with Ed, she nearly jumped out of her skin! The one guy in the world that would be at this seminar and it ends up being him – AND my uncle is his buddy for the week! He was kind enough to sign a picture for Katy, but she was not able to meet him.

BTW, Purdy – he’s about 6’ 1” – NOT 5’ 4”! Katy wanted me to let you know!

I know I told everyone about my birthday last week, and I really appreciate some of my friends and family making donations in Mark’s name instead of buying me gifts! But now I’m feeling old. Not really because I turned 36, but because I can no longer dominate my nephew in video games. The kid literally destroyed me in NBA Live ’05 and even my own game of NFL 2K5! Granted I was able to knock him around a little in NBA 2K5 (yes, it’s a different game) – nothing like beating him with Kyle freakin’ Korver of all players – gotta go with the Creighton kids! I also blazed him in MLB 2K5. However, I think I feel the same way my dad did the first time I beat him in tennis and he didn’t let me. Sorry, Dad! It hurts!

BTW, the kid has been playing NBA Live ‘05 every day since Xmas – not that I’m using it as an excuse!

I have a long commute to work, but I don’t mind it so much. I have good tunes and a killer stereo, so who cares? Besides, I like where I work, and I’m not just saying that because my director is a member of the PAFC and reads this. Actually, how cool is that? My stinkin’ director signed up for this goofy little fan club! Anyway, the only thing I don’t like about my commute is when I’m running late and some bonehead is driving slowly in the left lane. That’s what we call the “passing/fast lane” in Colorado and, if there isn’t much traffic, why can’t you at least go the speed limit in this lane? If you aren’t passing people, GET OUT! Actually, it’s a new law in CO! You cannot stay in the passing lane or you will get a ticket. However, this law is specific to 65 MPH zones, which is about half of my drive. But isn’t it just common sense and courtesy to stay right except to pass? Hence the term passing lane!

BTW, the factory installed 10” subwoofer in the trunk of my car allows me to cruise Colfax and not expect any shizzle from the kizzles!

That last sentence just reminded me how old and out of date I am! Remember when everyone would say “NOT” at the end of a sentence? Well, my dad tried it once and it came out, “NAY!” Again, that’s how I’m feeling this week!

OK, what stupid thing can I sell on eBay? Some guy is selling the rights to his middle name with a “buy it now” tag of $8000! And like an idiot, I’m giving him press (haha!) for it and fueling the fire. Apparently he is trying to dump the middle name Jean because it’s after his grandfather who he didn’t get along with. Sadly, this has forced his relatives to bid on eBay to get the name back!

BTW, I think we should sell the rights to our dog’s name on eBay! She was named after former Avs player Uwe Krupp before he defected to the Red Wings. Do you think at the age of seven I can teach her to come when I call her “Party Poker Dot Com?”

I thought this was a pitch for a Friday night Cinemax movie at first, but apparently two female teachers got into a catfight in the school during a class! Paulette Baines walked into Mary Oliver’s classroom, grabbed Oliver by the hair, and drug her out while punching her in the face and kicking her. Oliver had a concussion, broken rids and facial bruises. Baines was upset because Oliver told Baines’ daughter and friends to stop loitering in the halls while classes were in session. Sounds like a good enough reason to me! Any excuse for a catfight I always say.

BTW, FOX is already working on a reality show about this.

Sometimes criminals are telling the truth when they say they didn’t do it! A man in Beijing was jailed for killing his wife. Seems they had a domestic dispute in 1994 and the wife left. A much decomposed corpse was found in a local lake, and the husband was sentenced to death even though the body was not identified. Well, the woman is alive and well and has a new husband! Her first husband was coerced and beaten into confessing to the murder, and his wife said nothing. Lovely!

BTW, if I’m ever missing for a few days, ask my wife why the tomato plants in the garden are thriving!

I have been praying and waiting and the good Lord has finally answered – Al Gore TV is alive – ALIVE!!! When melatonin and sleeping pills aren’t working, I’m going to start watching Current, Al Gore’s attempt at a TV channel for young viewers. Current will feature news, culture and viewer-produced video. Great, more Viva La Bam! All I can say is it can’t be worse than MTV!

BTW, I don’t think there is anything worse than MTV!

I think I’ve found a new hobby. I haven’t tried it yet, but it sounds so appealing! No, I’m not going to start piercing things or get tattoos all over my body. But this body hanging stuff sounds like fun! For only $100, I can have huge fish hooks stuck through my shoulders, get lifted off the ground, and swing like a monkey on a tire! Sounds so invigorating! Some guy explained that it was like standing up too fast and feeling like you’re going to pass out. Yeah, that’s my kind of rush.

BTW, save the hundred bucks, stand on your head for a few seconds, and then get up really fast – same feeling, no blood!

Speaking of piercing, I think this one has finally gone a little too far. Some guy in TX thinks that his metal bar that goes through the bridge of his nose would be the perfect place to install glasses! Just clip ‘em into the bar and yer good to go! Who wouldn’t want rimless lenses suspended from a barbell in the bridge of your nose?

BTW, laser surgery is much less painful!

Here’s my mother AND my mother-in-law’s worst nightmare (other than being in a closet full of cats): a deliveryman was stuck in an elevator for 4 days straight! Other than a little dehydration, he was OK. Nanny and Nana both love closed spaces! OK, that was sarcastic – they are both very much claustrophobic! Seriously, if you lock my mother in a coat closet with a cat, she’d be dead in about 30 seconds.

BTW, my mother lives in a very open house and doesn’t own a cat.

Like a wise man (or was it wise guy) in college once said, “You can’t go planting seeds and expect nothing to grow.” Looks like this little piece of advice could have saved P. Diddy a ton of money! Sean “Puffy/P. Diddy/Piece of @#$%” Combs has been ordered to pay ex-girlfriend and mother of his 11-year-old daughter $21K on a monthly basis, and about $400K in back child support for a son as well. But wait, there’s more! Combs also pays another woman $30K a month in child support for a daughter.

BTW, I’m pretty sure buying condoms is a cheaper.

Usually I’m the one saying parents are overprotective and cover for their children, but here’s one lawsuit I can stand behind! After a 5-year-old girl got sick and threw up in the toilet at school, the teacher handed the kid rubber gloves and made her unclog it while the entire class watched. Dude, that is one disgusting thing to have to live through for that kid, as well as the rest of the class. Of course the mother is suing the school, and I say do it! The girl has an incurable gastrointestinal condition and the parents are claiming the school has hired inadequate teachers. OK, not sure if cleaning up vomit is a teacher’s responsibility, but I know the teacher was out of line here.

BTW, when my wife threw up on me, I made her clean it up as well. Ya think she’ll sue me now? She was laughing so hard afterwards, maybe I can counter!

Finally (shaddup!), I still can’t get over the Nuggets right now. 28-2 since the All-Star break? Do you really think anyone wants to play them in the playoffs? Currently, they are the 7 seed, but they were a missed dunk by PHX against HOU away from being the 6. They will likely get San Antonio or SEA in the first round, so expect them to get to the second round. Because the NBA doesn’t reseed after the first round of playoffs like the NHL and NFL does, I’m going to go ahead and say DEN vs. PHX in the Western Conference Finals. There, I think the Nugs will have met their match, but what a great run it will be. Next year – it’s our year next year!

BTW, the key stats for the Nuggets during this run have to be points in the paint and opponent’s 4th quarter points.

Friday, April 08, 2005

PAFC Top 11 List Contest Submissions!

Male Winner:

BP: Top 11 things you can spell with the letters in "Gerard Patrick Angello"

11. A repackaged ring troll
10. A droll pancake trigger
9. Greet a lord, Carpal King
8. Erik A. Grog, Placental Dr.
7. Torn griller package ad
6. A killer gardner got a PC
5. "Kelp," a retard conga girl
4. Prenatal lick rag, gored
3. Gargle a (um, can't say that here!)
2. Rig gold tar, (or this!)
1. Large (naughty werd!) raptor angel

Female Winner:

PW: "Top 11 Things You'll Never Hear Uttered In Highlands Ranch, CO"

11. "Orange slices? Hell, I'll just buy a box of Twinkies and they can live with that."
10. "Starbucks? Never touch the stuff."
9. "My wife? Nah, she works at a 7-11 -- we need that extra income for my bail bonds."
8. "As soon as my brother-in-law gets me the parts, I'll get that thing off the blocks and running like a dream."
7. "Damn, with all these trees, I can't tell if it's a sunny day or not!"
6. "Why, sure, Kari, I'd love to go grab a Budweiser with you -- the kids at soccer practice can just wait a little while longer."
5. "Our block party was great - Shaniqua brought a marvelous cake, Chung-Hui made pot-stickers, and Marisol does a kick-ass tamale."
4. "You know, I'd just like to find a cute place that's painted pink -- no cookie-cutter houses for me."
3. "Do you know any small hardware stores? I just hate giving my business to the big-box stores."
2. "Hunter? Madison? Skyler? Taylor? What odd little names for children..."
1. "Ugh, this Hummer is just too big and uneconomical -- let's go shopping for a Kia."

The Rest:

BP: Top 11 Things You Can Do On April 6

11. Roll up those pennies in that jar over there
10. Drive an automatic using both of your feet (not safe for paraplegics)
9. Steal a frozen burrito from 7-Eleven. If you're feeling really brazen, pour and steal a Slurpee, too.
8. Finish editing the first chapter of my novel -- I'm almost done with Chapter 2
7. Clip your toenails (they're scratching me in bed)
6. Renew your subscription to Martha Stewart Living
5. Watch the network television premier of About A Boy, starring the always-lovable Hugh Grant
4. Brush your teef without using toofpaste
3. Buy a Flowbee
2. Solve the Jumble -- I mean ALL of it, not just the clue words
1. Blow real hard at somewhere between 34 and 36 candles, like anyone's counting

SA: Top 11 Reasons Steroids Should Be Mandatory In Baseball

11. The players’ futures – possibly politics (like the governor of Colly-fornia)
10. Two words: Oxy Clean
9. For the kids
8. New promotional nights – Roid Rage Night: get punched by a player, receive free representation
7. Nickname possibilities – e.g. T!ts Malone or Kidney Failure McGee
6. The possibility of 100 home runs…not in a season, but in a doubleheader
5. No more collective bargaining problems….unless the owners start taking them too
4. Aid the budding syringe economy
3. Games will finally be decided as they were intended – in the lab
2. Coconut scented “The Cream”
1. So everybody will understand that Barry Bonds is the “victim”

MW: Top 11 Signs (some unknown guy) is a girly man/wuss

11) Emotional drunk
10) Likes to talk about his feelings a lot
9) Does not know the difference about rotating tires and balancing tires
8) Stands and watches a girl hook up a stereo handing her the tools
7) Thinks that powering off a computer will make it work
6) He has a lime green shirt : )
5) Likes to say he is good at sports until his friends correct him
4) Cannot hold his own opinion
3) Uses SUAVE body wash
2) Touchy/Feely
1) Thinks 30 seconds will keep somebody wanting to come back for more

TS: TOP 11 THINGS THE FATHER OF THE BRIDE DOES NOT WANT TO HEAR BEFORE THE WEEDING:

11. You want 6 brides maids and 6 grooms men in the wedding?
10. The wedding chapel is in what state?
9. The Groom's family are from Arkansas and are bringing their pet pig?
8. Give away the bride? This is more like highway robbery!
7. How many people will be staying at our house?
6. You spent how much on that wedding dress?
5. And that did NOT include the veil?
4. Daddy? Billy-Sean-Jim-Bob, you know, my fiancée`? Well, you know he is between work so he was thinking you might give him a loan for our honeymoon. We only need $10,000 for the cruise we want to take!
3. You say your dress is getting too tight around the waist?
2. After our honeymoon we thought we could live with you for awhile.
1. Where did you say you were? You eloped?

KA (it’s OK – she’s my wifey!): The top 11 reasons why Patrick Angello is the man of my dreams!
11. Your fuzziness
10. Your cuteness
9. You always make me laugh!
8. Your bedroom eyes
7. Your willingness to try new things (mostly!)
6. The way you treat your family
5. The way you treat my family
4. Because you look so sweet nuggling with our baby
3. "Daddy Blanket"
2. You love me just the way I am
1. You are my soul mate!

NM: Lliam's Top Ten Baby Toys

10 The ceiling. Hours of staring wondering why mommy and daddy are making those noises...
9 Whatever it was that he just put in his mouth. It looked kind of shiny and plasticky--but it's gone now.
8 The Dog's tail--there's a funny fuzzy thing that makes noise at the other end!
7 The Mirror--What's better than another Lliam?
6 TV: Big, Flashy, Mind-Melting, and able to cause epileptic seizures; what's not to like.
5 Plastic Bags--They make a fun crinkly noise while mom goes away to take a shower.
4 Dog poop--organic and from a beloved member of your family who licks your hands and faces after licking his but. It's all the same, but the poop comes in all consistencies, giving hours of amusement.
3 Mom's Boobs--you can never get or give enough gastronomic love.
2 Lliam's Scrotum. Trust me, when he finds it the faces he makes prove this is the best toy of all!
1 The PAFC button on his carrier: A sharp point and a picture of his primary role model!

THANKS TO ALL THAT PARTICIPATED – A SPECIAL TREAT IS COMING YOUR WAY!

Thursday, April 07, 2005

The Office - NBC Tuesdays

As some of you may already know, this is a British invasion. Ricky Gervais created and starred in this show a few years back in England and, due to its cult success on BBC America, he graced NBC with an American version. So, will yet another great British TV show fail in the US? Balderdash!

Granted Gervais does not star in the US version of the show, but it still manages to come really close to being as good as the original. That is a huge tribute to Steve Carell, who has taken Gervais’ character and Americanized it. He is still painfully awkward and inappropriate at all the wrong times, and he still has no clue why his actions aren’t acceptable. The timing and painfully long silences remain, as well as the office crushes and the boss’ need to be liked by his employees.

If you have never seen the show before, Carell plays Michael Scott, regional manager of a paper company. He is the most politically incorrect character since Archie Bunker – thank God in this overly sensitive country we are in! Heck, I’ll even call this the best sitcom next to Arrested Development, which nobody watches for some reason. Does that mean this funny, intelligently written show will fail? I mean, every other TV show we’ve tried to steal from England has bombed! Do we just ruin them, or is the general American public not ready for them? I know Gervais won’t let his baby be destroyed, hence his executive producer title, but I am going to plead with you to watch this show so it doesn’t disappear. After all, Arrested Development is only around because of its Emmy’s and Ron Howard’s money. Otherwise, it would have been yet another great show that was cancelled.

4 out of 5!

Sin City

I’ll admit it – I have never read or even seen the Frank Miller comic books so I had no idea what to expect in this movie. I read some reviews (most were positive) and saw that this was going to be a very gory film. But the all-star cast and the stunning visual trailer told me I needed to see it. Besides, it’s rated R – no kids!

I’ll just go ahead and say it – this is a visually spectacular film. It really looks like a comic book due to the makeup and green screen the actors are working in front of. I really liked the black-and-white with certain things in color theme. And how can you resist Clive Owen, Bruce Willis, Rosario Dawson, Brittany Murphy, Benicio Del Toro, Jessica Alba, Nick Stahl, Rutger Hauer, Steve Buscemi, Josh Hartnett, Michael Madsen, Kate Bosworth, Mickey Rourke, and Elija Wood all in the same flick? This is what happens when the director of Spy Kids (Robert Rodriguez) teams up with Quentin Tarantino. A magical gore fest! And I’m not a big fan of Tarantino! But since the over-the-top violence in Kill Bill, I’ve started to like the guy!

I loved the heavy narration in the film and just the overall odd look. Be prepared for about 8 different ways to castrate a guy, but also be prepared to see an incredible film.

3.5 out of 5!

Walk on Water

A great independent film! I feel good buying tickets to support something like this (and Off The Map) just because you’re not giving so much money to Hollywood and their huge budgets.

This is a story about a Mossad agent posing as a tour guide to get info about one of the last living Nazi’s. His mission, of course, is to find the man and kill him. However, he has to get the info by befriending the old man’s adult grandchildren. The only problem is, he ends up really liking these kids! And he the younger man didn’t know his grandfather was still alive!

Deal with the very few subtitles for German and Hebrew. This is a good story and a well portrayed film.

3.5 out of 5!

Sunday, April 03, 2005

PAFC Newsletter 4/3/05

I am having a Top 11 List contest for $20 in FREE PAFC merchandise. So far the contest is going well! To take part, simply submit to me a Top 11 List of anything you want – all are judged on creativity. Here’s a classic to get you in the mood:

Top 11 Dale Carter Excuses for Missing 2 Mandatory Drug Tests:
11) Was having the interior of his low-rider Suburban painted white
10) Bandages being removed for all his char-burns from 1999 season
9) Was worried the poppy-seed muffin he had for breakfast would skewer results
8) Had a "meeting" with Darryl Strawberry
7) Didn't want to miss tee-time with Elway, Shanahan and Marino
6) Couldn't find his PAFC t-shirt and didn't want to leave the house
5) Misinterpreted "mandatory" for "man named Corey"
4) Was at Shotgun Willies teaching other defensive backs how to treat strippers
3) Couldn't track down his niece for her urine
2) Morning corn-row appointment took a horrifying turn for the worst
1) "Drug TEST? I thought you said drug FEST, and that ain't me, man!"

And now, just to give you even more incentive to send in an entry, I’ve added ANOTHER Pat Angello Fan Club merchandise site with more products – older photos! So, you can get PAFC merchandise at these two locations:

www.cafepress.com/pafc (original)
www.cafepress.com/pafc2 (new)

This is all in celebration of my birthday coming up on April 6th. Make sure you submit a list by the end of the day on my birthday. One boy and one girl winner will be chosen. All entries will be posted on the blog: http://patangello.blogspot.com, which contains 4 new reviews from last week. Also, expect two more reviews this week!

And remember, if any of my friends or family members are thinking about buying me something for my birthday, DON’T! I’d rather have you take that money and donate it in Mark “Smitty” Smith’s memory to either the Hyland Hills Youth Hockey Scholarship Program at 10710 Westminster Blvd in Westminster, CO 80020, or to the American Heart Association. I don’t care if it’s $5.00 or $575.00 – I can’t think of anything I want or need! Thanks! Also, don’t forget that for every order of PAFC merchandise placed though the end of April, I will donate $5.00 to the American Heart Association in Smitty’s name!

More exciting news! You can witness me, Pat Angello, do a little stand-up comedy next weekend, Saturday 4/9! That’s right, the ol’ church talent show is back and I’ll be performing live the Jerry Seinfeld Age 5 routine that I wrote up on the blog a few weeks back (http://patangello.blogspot.com/2005/02/e-pression-jerry-seinfeld-age-5.html). The church is Evanston United Methodist and it’s located on Lafayette and Evans. A “Greek” dinner will be served at 5:30, and the parade of singing children and banjo playing old men starts at 7. I’ll be mixed in there somewhere. So come, have fun, and donate to the church a little.

Do you smell something awful around the office? It could very well be the new Celine Dion perfume. It’s designed to remind her fans that she is a wife, mother, and confident woman. The fragrance is called Belong and, even though she’s from Canada, it will not make you smell like a hockey player. You may, however, have a chemical reaction that will make you expect everyone to like you. I know because I’ve had the men’s version since I started my own fan club. What, you thought someone started this for me? Ha!

Is it just me, or does everyone else see the Reverend Jesse Jackson as he uses anything to get attention? Why on earth did he feel like it was necessary for him to be in Florida “fighting” for Terri Schiavo? Is he heading to Italy now to ride the coattails of the Pope dying? Someone needs a different hobby!

OK, I’m looking for something to sue someone over. There are so many stupid lawsuits out there; I’ve got to find some way to rape someone for money I don’t deserve! A pack of male models that appeared in an ad campaign for domestic violence are suing NYC for running the ads too long and in too many places. They are claiming that the ads were only supposed to appear in subways and on city busses and were only supposed to run for 5 weeks. Well, they appeared everywhere and ran for much longer, so the models are thinking the general public suspects them of wife beating. For the record, there’s a HUGE difference between an ad and a most wanted list! Do these guys really expect us to believe that people think they are guilty of a crime they portrayed in a poster? How dumb are Americans? Don’t answer that!

OK, if you’re a rapper and you call yourself C-Murder, don’t expect any favors. The guy lost his appeal for, get this, murder conviction! That’s called foreshadowing…

I know the Swedes are all about bikini’s (at least to Americans), but bikini’s for babies? And the best part is that people are disgusted by this! C’mon, kids are innocent little goof balls; there is no sexual connotation about a baby in a bikini! How many girls DON’T have pictures of themselves running around with no top on when they were toddlers? Some freak minister said this, “This is a terrible commercialization of childhood. Children are not women. Bikinis on small children are a way of linking children to sexuality. We must say 'No' to this.” Is there really nothing better to complain about in Sweden?

Remember when Fabio got beaned by a bird on a rollercoaster? Well, a flock of seagulls (not the band) flew in the middle of a horse race in Australia prompting racing officials to review safety procedures. Because, as we all know, a freak accident that has never happened before MUST be corrected before it happens again sometime in the next 150 years! Slightly related, how many times do you think we’re going to hear the terms “feeding tube” in the next month?

My wife and I love San Diego. We’ve even contemplated moving there because it’s so pretty, but we’d rather be in Colorado where our families are. Not to mention the fact that some freak in San Diego is robbing people of their dog poop. The guy apparently thought the bag had money in it – oops! I wish my dog could poop money!

An 83-year-old woman beat up an intruder and fired two shots at him before he took off with her gun and purse. The woman wrestled with him before he fled. Go Granny!

I’ve always found Star Jones to be extremely annoying, but I’ve suddenly found new respect for her. Why? Because the imbeciles that call themselves PETA spoofed her with a drag queen because she wears fur. Jones’ reaction was, “As long as no laws are broken, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. I hope his hair and makeup look fabulous and he remembers to shave.” Great attitude! I love that!

Ms. Wheelchair Wisconsin lost her crown for standing up. Give me a break! The woman has muscular dystrophy, which means she can have good days and bad days. She feels like they stripped her crown because she wasn’t disabled enough. Maybe they should tell her that the next time she can’t get out of bed? I think the other contestants would understand!

I love people from Iowa – my wife is from there, but I think she got out before anything happened to her. Two men driving in a car in Cedar Rapids had the hood fly open on the highway. Instead of pulling over and securing the hood, they stuck their heads out the windows and kept going. I’m not saying people in Iowa are dumb, but… OK, so I am saying that. At least these two guys are complete idiots!

Speaking of driving, what does it take to get classic plates for your car in this town? Just because you’ve managed to keep a rusty piece of crap running for 20 years does not mean it’s a classic.

OK, this has to be the weirdest accident I’ve ever heard of! A man literally buried himself alive in manure! He was dumping it and somehow managed to throw 8 tons of cow poopie on himself! That’s just plain yucky!
Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!