Thursday, December 29, 2005

2005 Coming to an End

OK, it’s that time of year again – time for the Top 11 of 2005 list. Before I get into it, let me just say that this list will include events that happened in 2005 that were memorable to me – good, bad, indifferent. I am not going to include family things per se because my wife already knows she means everything to me, I am eternally grateful for the health of my family members, and I have wonderful friends. So, that said, let’s get to listin’!

Top 11, um, THINGS of 2005:

11) We joined LA Weight Loss. My wife and I got tired of feeling, well, tired. We felt like fat slugs and had a lot of trouble eating "right" and getting exercise. So, we paid someone to tell us how to eat. And it’s working. I’m about half-way to my goal weight, and about half-way through my scheduled program. Oh, there will be before and after pics – don’t you worry!

10) I met Bill Simmons. Yes, THE Bill Simmons. The man whose ESPN Page 2 column I found in the john at work and I suddenly decided I needed to start writing again. Granted I wasn’t that stoked about buying his book on the Red Sox, but it still had influenced me to write a book about the Broncos. So, if you hate this blog and everything else I blog about, blame him.

9) We sold our house. After 9 months and 2 agents, the dump finally went. I was a little sad as it was our first house together, but we needed to downsize to payoff some debt. Now, hopefully, we will be able to get a much nicer place in about a year or two.

8) Michelle left me. Sometimes, you really hit it off with someone. Michelle came through the staffing agency to replace Christy at work, and we had a ball every day. It was like we had always known each other and we got along really well. We actually carpooled for a while, which was a bit scary when she was behind the wheel. Did you know Honda Accords don’t have "Oh SHIT" bars? But I really miss our lunches and little inside jokes we had for all of our coworkers. Michelle not only left the company, but she left the state – bolting for a much better gig in AZ. Fortunately, she is in town this weekend so Katy and I will get to see her at her boyfriend’s New Year’s Eve bash. Work just hasn’t been the same since.

7) Blogging buddies. I just think it’s really cool how the whole blogging community works. I mean, I feel like I’ve become FRIENDS with people I’ve never met! I have links to blogs from all over the world here, and I visit them daily. I’ve even engaged in email/comments conversations with most of them. It’s absolutely fascinating. Also, I get to meet Heather, Collin and Derek IN PERSON in a few weeks when we head to Colorado Springs. Sweet!

6) Matson Jones was born. I know I have a tendency to get goofy about music, but I simply have never, EVER, heard a band as cool as Matson Jones. The quartet is from Fort Collins Colorado and will be huge very quickly. A new CD is due in January and, if their concert in October is any indication, the new material is even better than the original. I can’t wait for the new disc!

5) Matchboxes and Hot Wheels for Christmas. Still, what my brother did last week was simply amazing. Best gift ever? Possibly!

4) Hockey returns! Sure the Avalanche aren’t quite the Avalanche of old, but it is SO good to watch professional hockey again. The new rules make the game so much better to watch and no lead is safe. I missed it greatly.

3) We almost lost Uwe. My wife and I gave our dog, Uwe, a "distraction treat" on Valentine’s Day. We needed a little privacy. Anyway, we woke up the next morning to 8 pools of bloody vomit on our off-white carpet and a scared to death pooch. We called the emergency vet and brought the dog in after we watched her throw up blood about 5 more times outside. The vet determined that her white blood cell count was really low and was afraid she might get a clot. If that happened, we would not be able to get her back to the hospital in time to save her life. It seem that she didn’t properly chew her treat and it was basically ripping up her insides. She stayed in the ICU over night on antibiotics, painkillers, and an IV. Fortunately, she was back to (somewhat) normal in a few days. She had parts of 3 of her legs shaved for IV’s and the bill equaled about a grand, so we called it her $1000 hair cut. She’ll be 8 in January. FYI, keep away from Dentley’s granulated dog treats.

2) We got to visit Bill, Beth and Logan in NC. Katy and I took a long weekend in September to go to Raleigh and visit my best friend Bill and his family. It was fantastic, though way too short. Bill and Beth are absolutely wonderful, their baby Logan is precious, and Raleigh is very nice. We had a great time and wish we could see more of them!

1) The death of Smitty. I hate to end this on a sad note, but I don’t think anything influenced my life this year as much as the passing of Mark Smith. Mark was married to our good friend Renee and he died very suddenly of a heart defect. It happened just 4 days before Mark would be 36, and only 6 months after he married Renee. If more people were like Smitty, this world would be a much better place. He was always there for anyone and was just someone everybody loved. In fact, my (continuing) resolution for the New Year is to try to be more like Mark – a better person all around. If I end up with half the amount of people at my funeral as Mark had at his, I’ll feel like I succeeded.

UPDATE: Ironically, I received the following email the morning after I posted this list:

Show/Hide all the To recipientsTo:
Subject: smitty tribute
Date: Fri, 30 Dec 2005 14:28:35 GMT


I've read this atleast 100 times since you wrote it and it still brings me to my knees. What a wonderful tribute to my brother! I had the day off and was sitting at my desk reading old emails and decided I needed to finally write and thank you for your kind words. Make sure you're still giving those crusher hugs to your wife and everyone you love!

Thanks again for helping in our healing process and taking such good care of Renee.

All our love,

Susan Webber and the whole "Smitty Family."

It simply destroyed me...

Happy and safe New Year everyone!

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 12/28/05

Shrinkage? Apparently some people in Germany asked Santa for hypothermia for Christmas. This weekend, a group of about 30 naked Germans jumped together into a Berlin lake for their annual Christmas swim. Ah, Brrrrrlin! The water was a balmy 34 degrees. "A crust of ice starts forming on the surface if the water gets much colder than this," abominable Gerd Godau said. "This was just right." Um, I’ll take yer werd on that, Gerd.

Heh, Gerd.

You got served, yo! A new service in Korea will soon be sending text messages of indictment to cell phones. Sending these messages through text instead of regular mail will save prosecutors about $158K per year. Yay – more dough for the hookers!

Wait a second! Seems this year is one in the last seven that will feature an extra second to adjust to the Earth’s rotation. "Deciding when to introduce a leap second is the responsibility of the International Earth Rotation and Reference Systems Service, a standards-setting body. Under an international pact, the preference for leap seconds is December 31 or June 30." So, when you count it down this year, you need to say this: "10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 and a half, 1 – HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

Mmm – cinnamon roll! Someone stole a cinnamon roll that had an image of Mother Teresa on it. OK, the thing is 10 years old, completely inedible, and worth a whopping $25 (according to the police report) so ebay is out of the question. Ya know, I have a sponge at home that looks like someone famous – and I LOVE it!

Guh! There is an actual club (as in a location/piece of property) where swingers go to, um, swing. I hate to break this to most of you, but the people who are into the whole group sex thing aren’t anything like the hoes on Cinemax each Friday. They are normally people so homely that they can’t even bear to sleep with their own significant other, so they make up for it by macking on other unattractive people. Just like nudist – not people you’d want to see naked in the first place!

A Jewish Santa? About 35 years ago a man in Massachusetts created Bubbie and Zadie – the Jewish equivalent of Santa Claus. Well, sort of. Bubbie and Zadie fly out of Kansas every night of Hanukkah to share stories and songs, not bring gifts. Sounds like kind of a gyp to me! Who do they think they are anyway?

Chicago upholds ban on pigeons as pets. However, the American Racing Pigeon Union is all bent out of shape about it. "We're not hurting anybody," said Karl Wollenhaupt, leader of a pigeon racing club. "These are birds of pedigree." They are rats with wings!

Maybe for next year’s décor. The couple who had the lovely display in NY of Santa holding a bloody knife and a severed doll head has put the thing up for auction. That’s it – I’ve given up on humanity.

You gonna eat that? A woman in Missouri swallowed a cell phone last week, but police are thinking her boyfriend may have forced it down her throat during a domestic disturbance. Sounds like a great guy!

Santa arrested! A man dressed as Santa was arrested in Oklahoma for beating up a street sign. The guy pulled a no parking sign up from the ground and was using it to beat up another sign. Drunky Claus was arrested and sent to detox. Ya know, he could have just told the sign it wasn’t good this year and gave it some coal.

Things to do in Iowa when you’re dead. A Nebraska man was arrested in Iowa for tossing jars of his urine into people’s back yards. Do I really need to comment further on this? Maybe he should find, oh I don’t know, a freakin’ bathroom?

How does this make news? A woman was locked out of her car by her cat. This woman should not be allowed a drivers license!

Monday, December 26, 2005

Christmas – WOW!

OK, so my brother is famous for his “white elephant” gifts every year. Last year he gave my wife a 3-wick candle shaped like a lamb. It is absolutely hideous and now resides at my desk at work; it has been donned the “lambdle.” The year before, he gave me a monkey head lamp that looks like it was made out of lite-brite, which also resides at my desk. My coworkers are a little scared of me. So for him, I got a little pay back by giving him a porcelain male fairy kneeling on a lily pad with a lily pad hat and holding some kind of orb, or cheesy light bulb. Scariest thing I could find for less than $5!

This year, he out-did himself. He made a 6-page card with old pictures of us growing up and opening gifts at Christmas. When we were little, my dad built a platform for our tree. This platform featured a train track, road, and village. I used to run all of my Matchbox and Hot Wheel cars (which I liked to call “brum-brums”) on it. When my dad gave the village to my brother, he found the cars in the bottom of the box. My brother wrapped each car in toilet paper and gave them to me for Christmas.

I gleefully unwrapped each car, remembering certain features they all had. For instance, the Police SUV (3rd row, 3rd from the right) has a “light” on top that spins when the car moves. Others had hoods, drunks, and doors that open. The red station wagon (2nd row, 2nd from the left) has dogs sticking their heads out the back. Others (2nd row, last 3 on the right and the white truck behind them) are from Europe and have the old rubber wheels and steering wheels on the right side of the car. Honestly, this was one of the coolest things ever! I seriously had to fight back tears when opening some of these cars. He’s obviously the best (OK, only) brother I ever had!

Speaking of the best ever, look what my lovey wifey did for me!

She took my homemade Denver Broncos hockey jersey to a jersey embroidering place to have the crests, numbers and letters professionally stitched on. See, I had originally ironed them on, but I was nervous things would rip off if I ever wore it to a game. Now, I’m good to go!

Am I the luckiest boy in the world or what?

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Good Lord!

OK, I wasn't going to post again until AFTER Christmas, but then I saw this, um, car when I was leaving JoAnn Fabrics with my wife today. Enjoy and happy holidays! God bless camera phones...

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 12/21/05

Poor Barbie. Researchers have found that many children mutilate Barbie dolls. Um, why are we paying people to research this? I could have told you that! Hell, when we were little we ripped her arms and legs off all the time. Mostly to upset my sister, mostly. But these "researchers" are claiming that this leads to violence. Yeah, I’ve NEVER been in a fistfight or tortured small woodland creatures, because God invented heavy metal music.

Cajundome has some plumbing issues. After serving as a place for hurricane evacuees to seek shelter in, the dome is getting ready to host a concert. However, evacuees pretty much destroyed the toilets by flushing diapers, t-shirts and "pieces of brick wrapped in a towel." OK, what causes people to try to flush brick down a toilet during a disaster? What the hell are they thinking?

Speaking of bathrooms, this man in Wichita was caught after hiding in the ladies" room. After leading police in a car chase, the man ended up in the hospital. When he was done with treatment, he hid in the women’s restroom before escaping. The suspect was chased on foot and then forced someone to give him a ride. The arresting officer hitched a ride with a pizza delivery guy to nab the bad guy. And you thought Kansas was boring!

OUCH! A woman in Oklahoma had a 14-pound, 3-ounce baby. Settle down, the baby was born by a cesarean section. I can’t even imagine lugging that thing around.

St. Matt of South Dakota? A moose had been wandering around Sioux Falls recently. However, teenager Matt Evenson (accidentally) wooed the moose to his home as he practiced his sax-a-ma-phone. Park rangers were able to tranquilize the monster and throw it back where it belongs (aka, the zoo).

Light sentence! A boy in Trinidad has been grounded – by a judge. The 14-year-old faked his own kidnapping and asked his mother for 100,000 Trinidad dollars for ransom. His punishment is not being allowed outdoors between the hours of 5-6:30 PM. Big effin’ deal! It’s obvious the mother doesn’t know how to get through to the kid, and now he gets to sit around and play video games. Oh, harsh! I’m thinking Ward needs to be a little harder on the Beaver, if ya know what I mean.

YAY! Crazy People! A woman in New Mexico has been granted a restraining order against David Letterman. The woman claims Letterman uses code words, facial expressions and gestures to ask her to marry him and to train her as his co-host. And some idiot judge GRANTED this! She claims Letterman has "forced her to go bankrupt and caused her mental cruelty and sleep deprivation since May 1994." Apparently, Oprah is a code name for her. So, here’s a new top 11 list for ya!

Top 11 Code Words/Actions From Dave and Their Actual Meaning!

11) "Ladies and Gentlemen – Paul Schaffer!" ("Would you shave for me?")

10) "Time to play 'Will it Float!'" ("Let’s take a bath.")

9) "So, (insert celebrity name here), what have you been up to lately?" ("I don’t care about the boy – I want to marry YOU!")

8) "Ladies and Gentlemen, here’s tonight’s Top 10!" ("Get me some coffee, would ya?")

7) Gesture: Letterman grabs his side and cracks open the side of his mouth. ("I’m feeling a little, uh, anxious, if ya know what I mean.")

6) Facial expression: Googly eyes. ("I just got my latest shipment of Viagra!")

5) "In my PANTS!" ("In my PANTS!")

4) "De-da-de-da-de-da-de" ("Let’s go to Paris.")

3) Gesture: Letterman throws pencil through fake window to glass shattering sound effect. ("Ya know, Andy Richter MADE Conan. Come be the Kelly to my Regis.")

2) "These are actual letters from actual viewers." ("I got your email, and NO, I wasn’t flirting with Teri Hatcher!")

1) "Please welcome our old friend, Biff Henderson!" ("Tonight, let’s play that game where you are a cop and I’ve been speeding.")

How much is that mummy in the window? Or at least that beautiful gown she’s wearing? A bridal store in Chihuahua Mexico features an actual corpse bride in the window. The mummy has been window dressing for the last 75 years. OK, so it could just be a dummy, but legend has it she is the dead daughter of the original store’s owner. Bleh!

A good computer worm? A man in Berlin received a computer worm email that told him he was under investigation for child porn. Though the police were not behind it, the guy fell for it and turned himself in. He actually WAS an offender! See, computers can be used for good stuff too. Before you go there, it was NOT Uncle Gary.

Isn’t that sweet? Police in India have been beating women who are on dates in a public park. Nice! I think they got to this girl already!

While we’re on it, Saddam claims he’s been beaten while in detention. Wah! He’s lucky they didn’t just stick him in front of a firing squad!

Ugh! People are complaining about how to celebrate Christmas without offending anyone. Well, considering that less than 3% of this country celebrates NOTHING in December, I think they can all get over it and deal. After all, we spend the rest of the year listening as the HUGE minority complain about what "offends" them, they can at least give it a break during the most sacred time of year for the rest of us.

On that note, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! Keep an eye on my new blogging gig for sports comedy and we'll speak atcha next week!

Sunday, December 18, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 12/18/05

And the 1-Year BLOGGIVERSARY Contest winner is...

Well, let’s call it a tie. I know I said I’d pull a name out of a hat, but I felt like these two entrants did enough research that they both deserved it. Besides, it’s Christmas and I’m feeling generous and sappy. So, congratulations to 1) Collin and Heather & 2) Bill Purdy! Your CD’s are on the way! Because their answers were so thorough, interesting, and well thought out, I thought I’d post them both. Hey, this will also tell YOU the answers!

Heather and I working together came up with these answers. I will fight to the death the correctness of number 1! TO THE DEATH I SAY!

1. Other than the fact that they are retired African-American football players, what do Riley Odoms and Alan Page have in common?

A: They were both first round draft picks. Riley Odoms in 1972 at number 5 and Alan Page in 1967 as number 15. (Also accepted, they both wore the number 88)

2. What brand of guitar does Dave Mustaine play?

A: Initially a modified Randy Rhoads series King V with 24 frets; he later switched to ESP. (Also accepted, Jackson)

3. Who scored the last goal ever on Patrick Roy?

A: Andrew Brunette

4. What was the first sentence I wrote on this blog?

A: "I hate Martha Stewart."

5. On my music blog, who did I say is going to be the next big band from Colorado?

A: Matson Jones.

6. Name 5 albums by Devo.

A: The albums I've owned are "Q: Are We Not Men? A: We Are Devo!", "Duty Now for the Future", "New Traditionalists", "Shout", "Total Devo", plus "Greatest Hits and Misses".

7. What was Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf’s original name?

A: Chris Wayne Jackson.

8. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

A: Spongebob Squarepants

9. What did I dress as for Halloween this year?

A: Harry Caray to the power of 3.

10. Who wore #82 for the Broncos from 1975-79?

A: Jack Dolbin

Collin & Heather

1. Other than the fact that they are retired African-American football players, what do Riley Odoms and Alan Page have in common? They have several things in common. I'm not sure which one you're looking for. Here's what I know: Both men ARE, indeed, African-American. But, by virtue of his long-time residency in Minnesota, Page is legally one-sixteenth Norwegian, but there's no way to tell by looking at him -- it's just an honorary thing. Both also suffer from exopthalmia, a condition that causes the eyeballs to appear as if they are "popping out" of the face. Odoms, in fact, had pioneering surgery in Buenos Aires several years ago to correct his exopthalmia and now answers to the nickname "Squinty." Neither Alan Page nor Riley Odoms are commemorated on the Broncos Ring of Fame. Clarence Kay proferred a tribute to both players when he donned the sacred number 88 on his jersey (notably, '88 was the year Page was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame). Now, Jeb Putzier carries that burden, the poor bastard. Finally, if you rearrange the letters in the names "Alan Page" and "Riley Odoms," you get "Gay Emerald Loin Soap." Not quite sure if that's significant, but there it is.

2. What brand of guitar does Dave Mustaine play?

Electric (I had to look that one up)*

3. Who scored the last goal ever on Patrick Roy?

Andrew Brunette, in OT, the prick. Wait, isn't he an Av now? Never mind.

4. What was the first sentence I wrote on this blog?

"I hate Martha Stewart." Don't we all.

5. On my music blog, who did I say is going to be the next big band from Colorado?

Matson Jones. I was gonna guess "Thieves Like Us," but they're not really from Colorado -- just Andy. Then I thought Mission 19, but that didn't make any sense.

6. Name 5 albums by Devo.

Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! I know! Pick me!

- Q: Are We Not Men? A: We Are Devo!

- Duty Now For The Future

- Freedom Of Choice

- New Traditionalists

- Oh No! It's Devo!

(I did that off the top of my head, so please excuse any punctuation errors.)

7. What was Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf’s original name?

Chris "Wiggles" Jackson

8. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Spongebob Squarepants, duh.

9. What did I dress as for Halloween this year?

Let me try to spell it out mathematically for you: Harry Carey * Hara-Kiri

* Hairy Carrie = HC^3

10. Who wore #82 for the Broncos from 1975-79?

Jack Dolbin. And, I am proud to say, he, too, is a Demon Deacon! Go Deacs!

* A little more research tells me folks are selling an ESP DV8-R that looks like the kind of guitar Dave Mustaine might play, being electric and all. And he's endorsed some sort of guitar for ESP called an Axxion that also looks appropriately Mustaine-y, all pointy and black and vaguely evil-looking and stuff. I suspect, though, he plays many different brands of guitars -- whatever’s available -- whenever the mood strikes him to play some of that good ol' honkey tonk he's so famous for.


I am so proud! Also, I have to wonder a little about DeJo for turning in an entry at 11:23PM on a Friday night. Seriously, if you have nothing better to do on a Friday night than enter my blog contest, we need to talk.

Since I’m talking about blogs, I’ve just bitten off even more! As you can see on the right of my blog, I have linked to MANY NHL and NFL blogs. They are mostly part of a site called Most Valuable Network. However, when I went on this site, I noticed that they were short 4 NHL teams and they hadn’t updated the "comedy" blog for 3 months. So, I contacted them, and now I’m posting there too! You can check out my very first sports comedy entry here: MVN Screwball. Bookmark it and visit often. Also, tell all you friends how cool it is. Heck, link to it on you blog. Get it moving, yo! Speaking of sports comedy, the Nuggets lost to Atlanta today. GUH! I’ll be adding some hockey blogs for them later – will keep you posted. If you’re dying for more hockey blogs, check out my Avs blog.

Are you ready for a brief newsletter? Well, boy howdy so am I!

Hermie is dead. This turtle was just 2 years old and couldn’t keep his beak closed. An experimental procedure attached a metal device to his mouth so he could eat, but he died of a pre-existing condition that caused his kidneys to fail. Sadly, the metal-mouthed turtle is dead. I'm glad we're spending money to keep a slack-jawed turtle alive. I think I went to high school with this guy.

A two-ton metal sculpture was stolen in London. The $5.2 (remember, million is always implied in art pieces – and minimum wage for MLB pitchers!) bronze Henry Moore sculpture was lifted with a crane onto a flatbed truck and whisked away. Something tells me it’s gonna show up at a pawn shop near Buckingham Palace next week. Hey, Prince William has, like, 18 hottie chicks to keep happy. What’s a guy to do?

40 drunks dressed in Santa suits went on a rampage in New Zealand. Seems everyone wants to disgrace poor St. Nick! These bad Santas robbed stores and assaulted security guards (who doesn’t?). Dumb Kiwis need to learn, hurricane first, THEN pillage the town!

More to come later!

Thursday, December 15, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 12/15/05

Leave it to Good Ol’ J-Net (aka the Wild One!) to send me this classic link! These two lovely ladies on the left here attended Big Daddy’s strip club in the wee hours of the morning. Sounds like a classy joint! They spent “several hours” in the club getting hammered. Hey, no biggie – until you find out that they left a 3-month-old baby in the car! The temp was about 32 degrees outside, but they were nice and toasty warm inside groping banana hammocks. At least they thought enough about the child (belonging to the skank on the left in the picture) to keep it away from the second-hand smoke inside the club.

Didn’t I just post a Darwin Awards thigie? In case you didn’t get enough, here’s an article about some more freaks from 2005.

Before I get TOO into this little newsletter, don’t forget to enter my 1-year BLOGGIVERSARY contest! Yep, I’ve been making fun of idiots for a full year now! Well, at least on Saturday it will be a full year. So, click here to enter the contest and win a 4-CD set of my favorite tunes!!!

It’s about time! The Pittsburgh Penguins FINALLY fired their coach, Eddie Olczyk, and replaced him with former Montreal Canadiens coach Michel Therrien. Pittsburgh is LOADED with talent, but their record stinks like my dog. Something has got to turn this team around because OLN broadcasts them all the damn time. It’s no fun to tune in and watch Super Rookie Sidney Crosby lose by 4 goals.

Speaking of hockey, go check out my unbelievably cool new Colorado Avalanche Blog. It’s now listed on!

Why did this take so long? A jail in Iowa now features cells with pink walls. That is effin’ brilliant! Nothing makes a man feel like a man like pink walls. Our next-door neighbors had pink walls in their bedroom, but they were gay – not that there’s anything wrong with that! Wait a second. Don’t guys already, ya know, get “close” in jail? I don’t think the pink walls are gonna help prevent that.

A man in traction “escaped” from the hospital. The dude has both arms in casts and a halo on his head. How hard will it be to find this guy? I’m sure he can’t run very fast.

What is wrong with people? Some freak in NY has an anti-Christmas display featuring a Santa statue covered in splattered blood and holding a severed head. Wait – I know whose behind this!

Learning at a young age! Three grade-schoolers were arrested in Indiana for counterfeiting money. Color copiers ROCK!

Only in Rio De Janeiro! Officials are working on a bill to add a third type of bathroom – for transvestites. Why not just go unisex? Oh yeah, people freak if there’s not an empty stall/urinal between them and whoever else is in the bathroom. And there’s the 3’ rule while waiting in line at the urinal in sports arenas. OK, never mind!

Wait – more potty talk! A man in San Francisco has created a toilet that warms yer bum and washes it too – like having a built-in bidet. I have two issues with this product: 1) It costs about $500; 2) It’s called the Swash. Horrible name! So, just because I love you all so much, here’s a new Top 11 List for you!

Top 11 Rejected Names for the Swash!

11) Asswoosh!

10) Bubblin’ Bum Blaster

9) Analyswish

8) Hiene Hoser

7) Boom from Behind

6) Ass Lapper

5) Enema Pal

4) I Can’t Believe It’s Washing My Ass!

3) Sooper Soaker 3

2) Fire In The Hole!

1) Rectal Rooter

How’s breakfast?

Dogs are worth saving more than some people. A fireman in Massachusetts gave a dog mouth-to-snout resuscitation to bring the dog back to life (hence the term resuscitation). The dog was stuck in a house fire when the fireman pulled the puppy out, noticed it was seizing, and he went to work. I know one dog I wouldn’t save from a fire.

Let’s see, where was I going again? A Polish man went for a bike ride in his hometown and ended up in London. I know, it sounds like a Rodney Dangerfield joke, but it’s true! The 84-year-old man left Poland last week and was found a few days ago wandering around in London. I wonder if he plays piano too?

Darwin Award Winners:

I don't normally post these things but y’all know how much I LOVE stupid people! Thanks Ernie!

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked... And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the attacker. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.


10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005


The Pat Angello Fan Club was created on 12/17/04 and (combined with my other blogs) I’ve had nearly 200 posts! Also, I have an all-music blog, a fiction blog, a blog for a story I swear I will write one day, a brand spankin’ new Colorado Avalanche blog, and I contribute to The Bitter Buffalo (Bill’s blog).

So, how about we celebrate with another contest? This time, we’ll do a bit of an odd trivia contest. The prize: a 4-CD set I call "The Danny Discs." These are mixed CD’s I made for my nephew when he turned 15 and they feature some of my all-time 80+ favorite tunes! We're talking an A-Z and THEN some! The rules are simple: email ( the answers to the following 10 questions. Whoever gets the most right WINS! If there is a tie, a name will be selected from a hat. The contest will CLOSE at midnight on Friday, 12/16/05 and the winner will be announced on Sunday, 12/18/05 in the newsletter. Ready? OK!
  1. Other than the fact that they are retired African-American football players, what do Riley Odoms and Alan Page have in common?
  2. What brand of guitar does Dave Mustaine play?
  3. Who scored the last goal ever on Patrick Roy?
  4. What was the first sentence I wrote on this blog?
  5. On my music blog, who did I say is going to be the next big band from Colorado?
  6. Name 5 albums by Devo.
  7. What was Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf’s original name?
  8. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
  9. What did I dress as for Halloween this year?
  10. Who wore #82 for the Broncos from 1975-79?

OK, you have until Friday at midnight to email ( your answers to me. Please do NOT answer these questions in the comments section.

Monday, December 12, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 12/12/05

A 38-year-old virgin? Some dope in Rhode Island actually decorated his home for the holidays as a Paris Hilton shrine. I’m ill – seriously. I mean, at least pick someone attractive! Hilton is a skanky, spoiled waif that doesn’t know what religion is. This guy needs to switch hands.

Equally as scary, Shaq is now a police officer. Shaquille O’Neal was sworn in as a reserve cop in Miami last week. Is it just me, or should basketball players NOT have guns?

Go fly a kite. Unless you live in Pakistan. The government has banned the making and/or flying of kites. Apparently Muslims oppose an annual kite-flying festival because it is considered a Hindu festival. I’m thinking it’s just an excuse to fly a kite. What do I know? After all, Christmas is all about gifts and has nothing to do with religion, right?

As seen on TV! Cops in NY arrested local TV superhero (who calls himself Banana Boy) when they saw a staged knife fight. The cops thought it was real and got involved. I just want to know who in their right mind would create a superhero named Banana Boy? Was Mango Man taken?

Another reason why I won’t live in NY. A new school called Rodent Control Academy has recently opened, teaching people how to bait and trap rats. Not my kind of school, but the rat population in NY is at an all-time high. Bleh! Maybe I SHOULD move there and become a kick-ass exterminator?

It was only a matter of time. A lesbian biker "group" now holds a trademark on “Dykes on Bikes.” Not that there’s anything wrong with that! I’m sure they are all lovely women.

The oldest woman in the world is a 116-year-old woman from Ecuador. When asked how she felt about her tremendous feat, the woman simply replied, "is it puddin’ time?"

So what would he have won? A 91-year-old man in London lost a bet by staying alive past the first week in December. The man made the bet so his wife would not have to pay taxes on inheritance if he died. Better safe than sorry I guess.

A man in France drove 11 miles on the wrong side of the highway. Maybe he would have gotten a clue after hitting one person, but he kept going. He hit another and caused a major injury, and STILL didn’t stop. Finally, he hit a car head-on and killed one adult and injuring two children. He was sober and coherent. WTF?

***So, to end on a more fun note, don’t forget to enter my 1-year BLOGGIVERSARY contest! You can win a 4-CD set of Pat Angello’s favorite tunes! Oh, and check out my new Colorado Avalanche blog!

Sunday, December 11, 2005


Merry Christmas! And Happy Hanukah! And Joyous Kwanza! And (insert semi-religious gift-giving December holiday here)!

To start, my wife and I have recently moved out of a house that was located in a Griswold cul de sac. Every neighbor would go a little over the top on Christmas decorations, so we have a lot – A LOT – of lights, etc. When we found out that our new apartment complex was having a contest for decorating your patio/deck, Katy said, "We are SO gonna win that!" Here’s what you are seeing:


  • Left side is a small blue tree
  • Right side (in front) are 3 bushes with lights
  • Right side (up the walk) are 3 small green trees with stars
  • Right side far right is an angel blowing a horn
  • Railing has a multi-colored lighted cord
  • Ceiling has white and blue globes and white snowflakes


  • Lower part has icicles
  • Left in middle of balcony is a white and orange star
  • Right in middle on balcony is "Happy Holidays" sign that blinks red and green
  • Railing has multi-colored lights

Just in case you think THIS is excessive, we have 3 more strands of icicles (two have recently burnt out, so we really had 5 more), another set of small colored lights, and 4 strands of larger bulb multi-colored lights. Yeah, it could be worse.

Another reason to celebrate? IT’S ALMOST MY 1-YEAR BLOGGIVERSARY! The Pat Angello Fan Club was created on 12/17/04 and (combined with my other blogs) I’ve had nearly 200 posts! Also, I have an all-music blog, a fiction blog, a blog for a story I swear I will write one day, a brand spankin’ new Colorado Avalanche blog, and I contribute to The Bitter Buffalo (Bill’s blog). So, how about we celebrate with another contest? This time, we’ll do a bit of an odd trivia contest. The prize: a 4-CD set I call "The Danny Discs." These are mixed CD’s I made for my nephew when he turned 15 and they feature some of my all-time 75 favorite tunes! The rules are simple: email ( the answers to the following 10 questions. Whoever gets the most right WINS! If there is a tie, a name will be selected from a hat. The contest will CLOSE at midnight on Friday, 12/16/05 and the winner will be announced on Sunday, 12/18/05 in the newsletter. Ready? OK!

  1. Other than the fact that they are retired African-American football players, what do Riley Odoms and Alan Page have in common?
  2. What brand of guitar does Dave Mustaine play?
  3. Who scored the last goal ever on Patrick Roy?
  4. What was the first sentence I wrote on this blog?
  5. On my music blog, who did I say is going to be the next big band from Colorado?
  6. Name 5 albums by Devo.
  7. What was Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf’s original name?
  8. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
  9. What did I dress as for Halloween this year?
  10. Who wore #82 for the Broncos from 1975-79?

OK, you have until Friday at midnight to email ( your answers to me. Please do NOT answer these questions in the comments section.

A newsletter is coming tomorrow!

Friday, December 09, 2005

New Blog, Yo!

Ya know, I'm DYING to write about hockey. So, just for the hell of it, I've created my own Colorado Avalanche blog. Check it out at!

Thursday, December 08, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 12/8/05

Yep, gonna start with the plane bomber guy! Sometimes, to get my blood pressure up, I listen to Air America radio just so I can see what kind of ridiculous "take" Randi Rhodes has on non-political topics. Because, as you may already know, ANYTHING that happens in this country can be blamed directly on President Bush – at least according to Air America.

So here’s what happened yesterday in Miami: A man threatened that he had a bomb in a bag. When air marshals asked him to put the bag down and get on the ground, he said "no" and reached in the bag. The man was warned again, and then he started to run. Air marshals shot and killed the man.

Here’s what has come out since the incident happened: The man was bi-polar and (for some reason) off his medication. His wife tried to yell to the air marshals that he was mentally ill and not to shoot. The air marshals, in the best interest of all involved, shot anyway. So, in a split-second, the air marshals decided that this man COULD have a bomb and 1 casualty is better than 175.

I completely agree with this decision. Who’s to say that the woman wasn’t an accomplice trying to distract air marshals so the man could proceed with a terrorist mission? Do you really think we are immune to a suicide bomber in this country? Sure it’s too bad that a relatively innocent man died yesterday. But, again, 1 casualty out-weighs 175 in an incident that COULD have gotten extremely ugly in a split-second.

Here’s Randi Rhodes’ take: President Bush kills crazy people. Wha? If we had air marshals in place four years ago, 9/11 never would have happened. When someone poses a terrorist threat like this, I am confident that our air marshals made the right decision. Go ahead and blame the president – for potentially saving 175 people. The "spin" kills me. Oh, and I know by listening to a little Rush Limbaugh now and then, it can work both ways. However, this was the first time I literally screamed at my radio in frustration and anger.

Reason #48 why I hate Nebraska: This man got away with speeding 128 MPH! For some reason, the prosecutor went for a "reckless driving" conviction as the man fled from police on a motorcycle. However, the judge ruled that, since there was no passenger on the bike with the driver, he was just speeding. Yeah, just a little! But, he wasn’t on trial for speeding so he got off. OK, I got a huge ticket in the middle of nowhere NE at 11PM for going 75 in a 65. Did I get off with nothing? HELLS NO! I ended up paying a huge fine so porky could meet his quota and buy his hillbilly little kid a new straw hat!

He was just getting started. A man in Alaska served 21 days in jail for drunk driving. About 3 hours after he was released, he stole a van. Now he’s facing up to 5 years! Maybe he found a new friend there and didn’t want to leave?

Want to get to hell fast? Simply find an older woman with MS and steal her scooter. It’s happened to 62-year-old Gloria Brock of California TWICE now. I’m pretty sure Satan reserves a suite for you when you steal a scooter from an old woman with MS. Brock should be an air marshal as she told police, "When you find (the man that did this), don’t arrest him – shoot him!"

Another finger biter? A woman in AZ got into an argument with her boyfriend and bit off his fingertip. Sounds like an old girlfriend of mine! If only the guy had a taser.

If you were going to risk going to jail to steal something from a grocery store, what would it be? Expensive meat? Drugs? Toothpaste??? Apparently, some dude in Germany felt he needed to steal 39 tubes of toothpaste so he put them where nobody would notice – down his pants.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 12/6/05

How windy is it?

It was so windy yesterday; one of the stoplights near work literally blew off the wire and ended up in our parking lot – a half mile away! It was so windy; a 15’ sign on steel poles broke in half. It was so windy; a door to enter the building broke. Now, it’s windy and snowy. Bleh!

It’s about that time of year again – time to hear from the 0.5% of people offended by religion. Like I said before, shut up and get over it! Just like these people in Kansas! Subway restaurants are promoting a salmon sandwich and using the tag line, "Another reason you’re lucky not to live in Kansas." Well, some Topeka folks strayed all the way to Oregon and were offended by this little slogan. Hey, it’s funny! Do you think I should go out and protest the film Things to do in Denver When You’re Dead? People are too damn sensitive anymore and I’m pretty tired of it. It’s a sad country when the smallest percentage of the population forces us to change everything that has been traditional. For instance, I refuse to call it a "holiday" tree. It’s a frucking Christmas tree because that’s what it symbolizes! Do you think the Jews feel better when people call it a holiday tree? They’re laughing at us! Should we call it a "holiday" menorah?

Speaking of tradition. OK, well almost. They are burning the straw goat in Sweden again. Though it’s not an official tradition, vandals have set this large straw goat ablaze to kick off the holiday season. The goat, she is clean, no?

Some of these are for a very selective audience.

Heck, this is worse than C.M. Zoo! One of the oldest boarding schools in the nation is about to get a name change. Now, you may find this hard to believe, but people made fun of the "Governor Dummer Academy." I know – it’s shocking. However, as of 1/1/06, the school will be called "Seriously, We’re a Bunch of Idiots Boston Country Day School."

Speaking of idiots. This "arsonist" tried three times to burn down a salon. Eventually, he set himself on fire. That is called "ironicness!"

Speaking of irony. (Yes, I know the word above does not actually exist – I have spell check. It is again intended for a selective audience. Mainly my wife.) A pizza delivery guy went to drop off a pie to a customer. When the customer handed the delivery guy a credit card, it just happened to be the same card that was stolen from the delivery guy just days before! That’s serious ironicness!

Now I’m hungry! In Denmark, a taxi driver bit off the fingertip of a passenger. This all came about from an argument over how many people can fit in a cab. These passengers were a bunch of clowns!

While we’re at it, a man in NY was arrested for biting the head off a gecko. Who does he think he is? Somehow this $10 bet doesn’t really seem worth the time in jail.

Who says drugs kill brain cells? A woman in Tennessee was in a home and saw a block of Brie. She thought it was cocaine, so she tried to hire a hit man to break into the house, kill the four men that lived there, and then steal the cheese/drugs. Obviously dumber than a, well, block of cheese, she approached an undercover police officer and asked him to do the hit. Then she started a reality TV show with Nicole Richie.

Santa’s rejects! Five deer in West Virginia wandered onto the 5th level of a parking garage. All were stoned out of their mind and tried to fly. None of them made it.

Another police lawsuit in the making. Police ticketed an illegally parked car, then had it impounded. However, they didn’t realize that the driver was sleeping inside the car. Well, when you’re 85-years-old, it takes a lot to wake you up!

Al Sharpton wants his own sitcom. Um, Al Sharpton IS his own sitcom!

The new Pope received a gift this week. The makers of Ferrari vehicles gave the Pope a Ferrari Formula 1 steering wheel. His reaction? "Where the hell is the rest of it!"

Monday, December 05, 2005

More later...

But for now, I just had an idea!

Some guy has started something called "Half Nekkid Thursday." This is where bloggers (mostly female) put a somewhat risqué picture of themselves on their blog every, well, Thursday, and an icon that directs you back to the rules and guidelines for "Half Nekkid Thursday."

Sample #1

Sample #2

Sample #3

So, I’m thinking about creating something NEW called "Mammary Monday." There would be no actual female nudity, just maybe a side-boob shot. Also, men’s nipples are just fine. (Did I just say that?) Maybe Derek or Collin can create a cool icon for it. Here are some (work-safe) samples:

Sample #1

Sample #2

Sample #3


Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!