Sunday, October 30, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 10/30/05

Happy Halloween, Suckers!

So we hit 2 parties and a hockey game on Saturday night. We had a blast. I was a little nervous when we got to the first party because we saw people walking in before us who were not in costume. We kinda assumed it was a costume party, so we were dressed like the pic on the right. Fortunately, most people there were in costume.

In case you were wondering, and I know you are, here’s what we were dressed as:
Katy is Calleigh Duquesne from CSI: Miami. I am not Horatio. I am actually Harry Caray to the power of 3. That would be: 1) Cubs announcer Harry Caray, 2) Stephen King’s Carrie with chest hair (Hairy Carrie), and 3) I’ve got a knife in my stomach because I’ve just committed Hari-Kari. I know it’s a bit much, but I’ve been thinking about it for 6 years and finally put it all together.

This picture shows my painted toenails. Hopefully this is the scariest thing you encounter today!

The only issues we had were KT’s letters falling off the back of her jacket and my hairy nipple-slips. FYI, using vinyl stick-on lettering doesn’t really hold on the back of a jacket, and hairy nipples scare the hell out of people. Oh, and our schedule was as follows: 5:30 party, 8:00 hockey game, 11:30 party. Yep, I wore that ridiculous garb in front of 17,000+ people. Someone asked me if I ran into trouble in the parking lot, and I responded, “Yeah, you can’t even imagine how upset men get when they realize they just paid for a transvestite hooker!”

Also, my brother and I decided NOT to perform at Freak Train tonight. We both would rather scare the hell out of trick-or-treaters.

Stallone just won’t go away! It looks like Rocky VI isn’t the end of the line for the (almost) 60-year-old actor – get ready for more Rambo! Ya know, you can never have enough Rambo!

A man in Singapore was arrested after threatening to put naked pictures of his ex-girlfriend on the Internet. Um, ladies? Don’t let your boyfriends take naked pictures of you! I remember this guy I used to work with at a car dealer had naked pictures of his girlfriend on his cell phone, and he showed them to EVERYONE! If this girl was anywhere close to cute it wouldn’t have been so horrible, but she was dog-nasty! I still have nightmares about that.

In today’s America, it’s NEVER your fault. A man in Indiana committed a robbery, but blamed the system for putting him in a jail too far away from his mother when he violated parole in 1982. Aw, he missed his mommy!

I can never eat Milk Duds again! A clothing company in California is being sued by Hershey. The company makes clothes that are designed to help pregnant women breast feed easier. Of course, they want to call the clothing line “Milkdudz.” Candy never sounded worse!

More ridiculously stupid criminals! These guys tried to steal fake tombstones from a haunted trail – in the middle of the day. Oh, and the haunted trail was run by a Fraternal Order of Police Lodge. Hello? Speaking of tombstones, did you know that someone actually sells tombstones for deceased pets? Why does that strike me as weird?

Um, nobody really wants to see that! A nude male review from Down Under was scheduled to, ya know, let it all hang out in ND. However, some religious whack-o’s protested and got the thing cancelled. These are probably the same men who spend all of their church donations on hookers and strippers.

Karma works! A woman just won a lottery worth $1 (remember, million is always implied in lottery winnings – and the ratings drop from last year’s World Series!). However, she used a stolen credit card to purchase the ticket. What are the odds?

Someone needs to save us from ourselves! The state of Connecticut is trying to ban holiday ale that sports an elf on the label. Why? Because officials (who ARE these people?) are afraid it will entice children to drink beer. Not that all of the other beer commercials with people partying at a football game or whatever would do that. Seriously, it’s an elf not a kid! This reminds me, there is a Comcast commercial running where a kid with a book runs up to his dad and asks him to read to him. However, dad is watching football. Instead of reading, dad gives the kid a lesson in how to use a DVR. Our friend Andrea is very disturbed by this ad, and I have to agree! What kind of message are we sending? Screw reading – watch this guy run backwards!”

Is there really a 1975 Ford Escort worth $690K? There is if it was once owned by deceased Pope John Paul II! Now for the kicker – Golden Palace Casino did NOT buy it! Instead, some millionaire in Houston added it to his collection of 600 cars. I have to say, if I’m ever filthy rich, I’d own a bunch of cars too. Probably not a 1975 Ford Escort, but still…

Friday, October 28, 2005


Sometimes they come back!

OK, so I’m still a little baffled by the reinstatement of Toddy Bertuzzi – not sure if the punishment fit the crime. However, I did enjoy (most) of the reaction the Avs fans had when Bert came into town for the first time since the most horrific calculated incident in the history of professional sports.

Bertuzzi was drenched with boos as soon as he hit the ice. It didn’t matter that Joe Sakic just scored the first goal of the game, the cheers turned to boos as soon a #44 hit the ice for the following face off. And the boos kept up whenever Bert got near a puck.

Bertuzzi played the game as if he was in a haze. At one point he was in the slot and all alone with the puck but barely got off a shot. A little credit can go to Abby here, but Bertuzzi just looked lost all night. I honestly think the crowd took him out of his game. Hopefully the Avs saved some firepower for Saturday after this 6-2 victory!

I am also pretty impressed that the Avs as a team didn’t focus on Bertuzzi. Nobody really took a run at him on purpose; they simply went about their business and did what they had to do to win the game. Which would make sense since there are 4 points in the division on the line with these two teams this weekend.

Unfortunately, the crowd did offer some “Bertuzzi Sucks” chants in the last minute of the contest. Also, according to the article above, some dolt poured a beer over a female fan wearing a Bertuzzi jersey. Not sure exactly what she expected to happen wearing that jersey into the arena, but I was kinda hoping people in Denver had a tad more class than that. Oh, well.


Hey Losers!

Time to make y’all jealous – it’s the big winner from the latest PAFC contest sporting his new t-shirt! Now, if Derek knew how to operate his new digital camera a little better, these pics might actually be in focus. Instead, I’ll just tell you what they say:

Front: “Pat Angello says: I’m a WINNER!”

Back: “I named the movie for EVERY SINGLE ONE of these quotes…(list of quotes)…and all Pat Angello sent me was this stupid t-shirt!

Derek also won this mixed CD:

And an autographed filer like this:

If you are in the PAFC Football Pick ‘Em and/or Fantasy Hockey League, you could be sportin’ one of these t-shirts next!

Happy Friday!

Thursday, October 27, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 10/27/05

Cubs Win! Oh. Um, EW!

OK, so my “Houston in 6” prediction didn’t quite come true. In fact, the OTHER Chicago team got the monkey off their back this year by sweeping the Astros. The White Sox have not won the World Series since Technicolor was introduced. I was hoping Houston would make a series out of it, but I am kinda glad the White Sox won. Harry Caray must be rolling over in his grave!

On a sad note, a Denver Bronco player is in critical condition after a car accident. OL (former TE) Dwayne Carswell was the victim of two cars the bumped and then came onto the other side of the road. There were 5 cars total involved in the accident. Early word is Carswell tore his diaphragm and has internal bleeding in his chest. Normally, these athletes do something stupid and get themselves in trouble. This time, it looks like he was simply driving in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Next through the closet door – Sheryl Swoopes! Not that this surprises anyone, but Ms. Swoopes finally opened up about being in a committed homosexual relationship for the last 7 years. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Maybe other athletes will realize it’s no big deal and start coming out?

So, here’s the dumbest use of ink of the week in sports. Air Force football coach Fisher DeBerry had to apologize to the world for the following comment:

“(TCU) had a lot more Afro-American players than we did and they ran a lot faster than we did. It just seems to me to be that way - Afro-American kids can run very well. That doesn’t mean that Caucasian kids and other descents can’t run, but it’s very obvious to me that they run extremely well. You don't see many minority athletes in our program.”

OK, did this seriously offend people? Do you really think that this guy is a racist? Can you go beyond two hands when counting the number of white players at speed positions (WR, RB) in the entire NFL?

Only in LA! A man dressed as Elmo from Sesame Street was arrested last week for harassment. I guess he, along with a guy dressed like Mr. Incredible and another guy in the Scream outfit, tends to get a little grumpy with tourists when he poses for pictures and they don’t tip him. Then find new work!

Maybe cats aren’t evil after all? A woman in Iowa claims her cat pounced on her to wake her from her nap. When the cat woke the woman up, she saw the house filled with smoke. The cat saved her life! Just like Lassie!

How is this news? A man thought he was Superman and jumped out a 4th floor window. I know many people who did something similar to this as children!

Oh, PETA. How you annoy me so! They have requested the First Assembly of God Church quit swallowing live goldfish. The church agreed, and now they simply torture the fish FIRST, kill ‘em real good, and then fry ‘em up BEFORE they eat them. Is there a dwindling supply of goldfish in the world or something? The lesson here: don’t buy goldfish for your children to have as pets. After the kid kills it in a week and you flush it, PETA will be at your door. In fact, I hear they are already working on banning goldfish bowls!

Nice shot! A man in Australia tried to shoot a cow for his buddy. The guy missed twice, and struck a nearby motorist in the process. OK, how hard can it be to shoot a cow?

Could this be a new form of terrorism? A cab driver in Dallas is being accused of, get ready, sprinkling dried feces on baked goods in a grocery store. So, if you’re in Dallas, don’t get in a cab with Behrouz Nahidmobarekeh.

A man in Missouri found a 56-pound mushroom. Later that day, he spotted a flying donkey, a Cheeto shaped like the Virgin Mary, and the ghost of Abe Vigoda.

Wait – let me stop right here for a second. I have to tell you, on my way in this morning I saw a WOMAN in an SUV sporting one of these. Seriously! When I pulled up next to her, I noticed a horrible haircut. Not like that means anything at all.

Idiot! A man in Arkansas tried to recreate a scene from the movie Halloween and slashed the owner of a motel. What a moron!

Insanity in London! A soccer coach has a way to punish his sub-par players who have a bad game – let the disgruntled fans into the dressing room afterwards! Everyone has bad days, but most people don’t have to face hooligans after!

OK, so who HASN’T been abducted by aliens? Researchers say that most people have false memories about it. NO! Really? People are making this up to get attention? Shocking!

Finally, Bertuzzi in our building. Hmm!

When SCORPIONS Ruled the World!

I suppose you could classify me as a “metal head” in high school. I listened to Dokken, Van Halen, Judas Priest, Iron Maiden, and, of course, the Scorpions. I was even playing lead guitar in a band that covered most of those guys. But for me, in 1985, it was all about the Scorpions.

The Scorpions started in 1972 founded by singer Klaus Meine and guitarist Rudolf Schenker. On their second album, Rudolf’s brother Michael (also guitar) joined the group. The band went through a few more members in the 70’s (including Uli Roth on guitar after Michael left) adding Francis Buchholz on bass and Herman Rarebell on drums. After releasing a live album in 1978, the band booted Roth and added the final ingredient to rocket them to stardom: guitarist Matthias Jabs. Jabs completely changed the sound of this band, adding superior solos, fills, and energy. The Scorpions had a new sound and were ready to take over the world.

Granted, by this time, the Scorps (as my dad likes to call them) had already been pretty big in Japan. Then again, who isn’t? But America hadn’t really caught on until the release of Lovedrive in 1979, the first album with Jabs on lead guitar. Suddenly, America noticed. Songs like “Another Piece of Meat,” the instrumental “Coast to Coast,” and the ballad “Holiday” made some noise in the States, and the Scorpions were on the radar.

1980 saw the release of Animal Magnetism, and the Scorps had a few more songs getting radio play. The big hit on this album had to be “The Zoo.” But, overall, the album was just another stepping-stone for the band.

In 1982, the Scorpions hit it big with the release of Blackout. The title track and “Can’t Live Without You” did well, but “No One Like You” propelled the Scorpions into stardom. The song was HUGE and got tons of radio play. Many feel it was the first big hit for the band. In fact, every time my dad hears it on the radio he yells, “the SCORPS!” and does a little jig in the car. It’s very entertaining!

But the Scorps weren’t satisfied. They then released an album that made them THE hard rock band of the 80’s: 1984’s Love at First Sting. This album included “Bad Boys Running Wild,” “Big City Nights,” and mega-hits “Rock You Like a Hurricane” and “Still Loving You.” This is the album that got my attention and made me purchase the previous 3 albums. Or should I say cassettes!

As I mentioned before, I was in a band at this time. Our high school had an event called Spring Fest, which featured bands playing outside all day long. Our band, Annex Redd (don’t ask, because I don’t know), signed up and went on in the early afternoon. We started with “The Zoo” and, after the intro; the singer realized his mike wasn’t working so we had to start again. No big deal. We then broke into “You Got Another Thing Coming” by Judas Priest. Next was the big one – “Rock You Like a Hurricane.” I felt pretty good and thought we sounded OK. I hit the solos pretty well, even though Jabs is incredible. Even though most bands were allowed to play 5 songs, we got cut off early because it was getting late and there were more bands signed up to play after us. As we packed our stuff up, the first of two amazing things happened – the crowd actually started chanting our name: “Annex Redd! Annex Redd! Annex Redd!” It was truly bizarre! I carried my stuff of the stage and headed to our truck. On my way, some kid came around the corner raving to his friend about a guitarist. Here comes amazing thing number two. I heard the kid say, “they played ‘Rock You Like a Hurricane’ and the guy nailed the solo – it was sweet!” I immediately thought, “I guess some other band played that song too,” until… “There he is!” the kid exclaimed while pointing at yours truly. “Dude, you were awesome!” Needless to say, I was pleasantly surprised!

In 1985, the Scorps released a double-live album called World Wide Live. This was concert material recorded in California and was absolutely incredible. I would honestly say the best live album ever. I wore out 3 cassette versions of this thing in my orange and black 1979 Dodge Omni 024! So, now after all of this blabber, here is what inspired me to write this article today: I was listening to World Wide Live in the car the last few days and I felt I just needed to bring it up. Sure it’s 20 years old (good lord!), but the energy, sound, and hilarious quips between songs by Klaus inspired me. I have replaced the cassettes with CD, which originally cut about 4 tracks. However, I just learned today that the CD was remastered in 1997 and all 19 songs are on it. Yep, gonna buy it at lunch today.

Track Listing:

1) Countdown – a 44-second synth intro

2) Coming Home – a tune about touring. Highlight is Klaus yelling, “You like coming home San Diego?” at the end.

3) Blackout – super fast with an incredible guitar solo and fills.

4) Bad Boys Running Wild – ya gotta love Klaus introducing this song!

5) Loving You Sunday Morning

6) Make it Real

7) Big City Nights – more hilarious banter with Klaus.

8) Coast to Coast – at the end, Klaus points out the microphones in the air to the crowd and tells them about the live recording.

9) Holiday – acoustic ballad.

10) Still Loving You – another ballad with a great guitar solo.

11) Rock You Like a Hurricane – Klaus screams, “It’s a rock-n-roll hurricane!” to introduce.

12) Can’t Live Without You – Klaus tries to get the crowd to count down the beginning of the song with him, “one, two, onetwo, onetwothreefour!” However, you can barely understand anything he’s saying through the thick accent. This one is a highlight!

13) Another Piece of Meat – haven’t heard it in 20 years since it wasn’t on the original CD.

14) The Zoo

15) No One Like You – someone please tell me what Klaus says to introduce this song.

16) Dynamite – the band simply rips through this song with Jabs absolutely flying all over the fret board!

17) Can’t Get Enough (Part 1) – the encore

18) Six String Sting – a four-minute guitar solo with Jabs and Klaus bantering back and forth.

19) Can’t Get Enough (Part 2) – the end of the show.

So go ahead – relive the days of spandex and poofy hair! Hunt down World Wide Live and rediscover the incredible shredding guitars of the Scorpions! Oh, and happy birthday to Matthias Jabs this week.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Yep - ANOTHER Sports Article!

OK, the new NHL is cool as poo! Let me tell you what has happened in the recent weeks. The Avs have given up 3-goal leads twice now. In Vancouver last weekend, the Avs were down 5-1 in the third period with a little more than 3:00 left. Then Brad May scored. Eleven seconds later, Patrice Brisebois scored. One minute and twenty-two seconds later, Alex Tanguay scored. Suddenly, the score is 5-4 with a minute and twenty seconds to go! Vancouver added an empty-net goal to wrap it up, but if you blinked or changed the channel, you missed 4 freakin’ goals!

Last night I (along with about 195,000 others) was watching Pittsburgh vs. Florida on OLN. (On a side note, OLN is not good hockey TV. They are horrendous with the camera and the announcers are ESPN rejects that are a bit, how do I say this, boring as hell! You might as well hit mute and call the game yourself.) Florida is up 1-0, so I flipped to the World Series pre-game show for (maybe) three minutes. When I went back to the hockey game, it was suddenly 2-1 Florida. Yep, I blinked and missed 2 goals in about three REAL minutes, probably because those two goals were less than 40 seconds apart in game time.

I watched the Avs vs. Edmonton last night as well. Avs scored twice in the second period, which I thought was safe at the 14:00 mark. Edmonton struck twice inside of two minutes! The teams went into the third period tied at two. The Avs then found themselves down 3-2 less than five minutes into the third. I was again a little confused at their incredible ability to blow multiple goal leads! With a little more than six minutes left in the game, Alex Tanguay tied it up. Twenty-six seconds later, Brisebois put in the go-ahead goal. Twenty seconds after that, Steve Konowalchuk scored to give the Avs a 5-3 lead. I’m certainly glad I didn’t change the channel.

The announcers emphasized something – you can no longer leave a hockey game early! These guys are unbelievably fun to watch and can score so quickly. Don’t blink, don’t change the channel, and don’t ever leave until the three stars of the game are announced! This game is almost like a video game now! Maybe last years’ cyber season played out by kids on an X-box for the Denver Post wasn’t so far off after all – I could certainly imagine a 14-8 final score this year. The game is super exciting and people are bound to catch back on to it!

I tried to watch Game 3 of the World Series last night, but I was getting tired! I think I lasted through the 12th, but then I suddenly realized something: I don’t like baseball, and I have no interest in either team! I used to like the White Sox, probably because former Denver Bear - Tim Raines is involved with the team (former player, current base-running coach). I was sort of rooting for Houston last night, just to make the series interesting. Baseball has WAY too many statistics, and FOX created a new one last night to emphasize the length of the game (longest World Series game ever). They showed how many camera cuts they made. Seriously! I can’t remember for sure, but I’m thinking it was near the ten thousand mark. If you think about it, here’s what it normally looks like between pitches: shot of pitcher, shot of Sox manager, shot of Astros manager, shot of person in crowd, shot of someone different in the crowd, shot of yet another person in the crowd, shot of pitcher, shot of base runner, shot of batter, shot of pitcher, shot of perhaps famous person in crowd, shot of catcher, shot of pitcher, shot of base runner, shot of Sox manager, shot of bullpen, shot of Astros manager, shot of someone else in crowd, shot of pitcher, shot of batter, shot from left field of pitcher about to deliver pitch. Guh! Enough with the stinkin’ drama already!

Oh, and I think my prediction of Houston in 6 ain’t gonna happen!

The stupid dress code in the NBA is still getting attention. In case you missed the great comment from DeJo last week, here it is:

dejo said... Re: New NBA dress code) Allen Iverson is quoted as saying "I feel like if they want us to dress a certain way, they should pay for our clothes." OMFG! That is wrong is so many ways!

Allen Iverson is scheduled to make $14.625 (remember, million is always implied in sports salaries – and the number of ways you can choke a camel!) this season, but wants someone to buy his clothes for him? You know, he doesn’t HAVE to go to Harold Pener! He can go to K&G Fashion Store!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going on a Viking cruise to blow off some steam!

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Pat Angello Performance MONDAY!

So, did you miss the last Pat Angello performance: The Return of the Puppets?

Fret not! If you have Quicktime installed on your computer, simply CLICK HERE to check it out! If you do not have Quicktime, CLICK HERE to download it for free!

(Note to coworkers - Big Brother will not allow you to download Quicktime on your machine at work. Please try this at home!)


***Don't miss the Angello brothers in Bad Impression Monday on 10/31/05 at the Bug Theatre for yet ANOTHER Freak Train!

Monday, October 24, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 10/24/05

Ah, nothing like a gathering of the Angello family! Good food, lots of jokes, Dad dressed like Superman. We got together to celebrate my dad and sister-in-law’s birthdays this weekend. Michele dressed normally, but Dad was in this garb on your left as we walked in the door. (For the record, I think those red boxers are older than me - just a rumor!) He bought the sweatshirt that morning, and then went out with my mom to “complete” the ensemble. And you wonder where I get my sense of oddness. I’m thinking BOTH trees dropped this apple – on his head, and I have the bump to prove it. You can touch it for $3.00 per poke. KT asked me to dress like that for Halloween, to which I replied, “In your dreams!” Actually, I’ve got my Halloween costume ALMOST ready. No hints, unless I already told you. However, I will post pics next week. It is brilliant, if I do say so myself. Something I’ve wanted to do for years.

Just for fun, here’s a Top 11 list!

Top 11 Rejected Halloween Costumes:

11) Otter Pop

10) Cowboy

9) Raggedy Andy Doll

8) God’s Gift to Women (BARELY rejected!)

7) Chick Magnet (SO last year!)

6) Dave Mustaine

5) Sock Monkey

4) Patrick (from Sponge Bob)

3) Devo (Target was sold out)

2) Lip-Synching Ashlee Simpson (kinda like a bad kung-fu movie)

1) Kevin Federline

Yeah, I got something to say about the Broncos’ collapse this weekend. First, I believe it was the first time they’ve lost during a PEO-BIL Bronco party. PEO would be the women’s group that my wife is the president of, and BIL would be the significant others of said women’s group members. Once a year, the ladies pour chili down the throats of their husbands during a party when the Broncs are out of town. Usually, a “gimme” road game is selected, but I see none on the schedule this year. Secondly, I saw this coming a mile away. I just KNEW they would blow it at the end of the game, even before the game started. Somehow, Eli Manning turned into John Elway in the 4th quarter, connecting for 2 touchdown drives to win by one single point.

There was Meadow Lands Magic that day: weird calls by the officials; a Bronco field goal attempt that started out straight and then took a right; a suddenly conservative Bronco offense. I’m tagging this Elway Karma. Face it, kids; we were SPOILED ROTTEN during the Elway Era. We had no idea what it felt like to be on the receiving end of a fourth-quarter comeback (other than Joe Montana’s when he was with the Chiefs). Elway left a sour taste in the mouths of so many teams, yet we got to jump up and down and scream with glee. Hurts, don’t it?

I listened to the blabber of sports-talk radio on the way in to work today. All I heard was whining about bad officiating, an old-out-of-his-prime kicker, and a team that couldn’t move the ball when they really needed to. All the crying and finger pointing made me feel like I was living in Nebraska again!

So is this the same old Broncos? 5-2 just like the last 2 seasons, but does that mean the sub-.500 collapse is coming for the rest of the season? I say no! I believe in this team this year. Heck – they fell 1 second short of a record for most consecutive games without a turnover, fumbling while desperately trying to pitch a ball on the last kick of the game – hoping for a Cal miracle. Also, they can certainly beat the rest of the teams they play at home (PHI, NYJ, BAL, OAK), and there is no reason why they can’t steal a few road games (OAK, DAL, KC, BUF, SD). 8-0 at home, 3-5 or 4-4 on the road will win the division. SD and KC have MUCH harder road games than the Broncos, so I believe! Not that they’re going to the Super Bowl, but they just might win a playoff game yet.

At a recent Paul McCartney concert, one of the fans held up a sign asking Paul for his approval to propose to his girlfriend. McCartney read the sign aloud, and then told the kid to go for it. She said yes – aw! Not sure why this is newsworthy. However, if you paid $600 to see Paul McCartney, he better answer any question you may have!

I never want to be rich, famous and flamboyant. Rapper Cam’ron (puh-lease!) was carjacked this weekend. Probably because he was driving around the ‘hood in a Lamborghini. Go figure! When Cam’ron stopped at a light, a man approached with a gun. The rapper tried to drive off and was shot through both arms. Driving a car like that in Harlem is like a lingerie model walking through a Star Wars convention. Um, people want a piece of it.

Pork – the other white meat, now with extra lead! A woman in FL found a bullet in her pork casserole. Maybe the pig used to drive a Lamborghini? Used to!

Police investigating a motorcycle crash in Mexico believe that the piggyback passenger was already dead. For some reason, the driver was carrying a corpse. Al Roker knows all too well the feeling of carrying dead weight around. At least the corpse was wearing a helmet.

Why does it suck to live in 3rd world countries? Because even when you HAVE a “toilet,” there could be a snake in it! That was the case in Malaysia this week where a family found an 8-foot python in their toilet. That’s a little freaky to me!

There’s a hot new calendar at the University of Illinois! All of the smarties got together to create a calendar featuring their own brain scans. Hey, why not show off their best features? So far they’ve sold 4 copies.

Reason #318 why baseball players are a bunch of poozies! The latest “Got Milk” ad features a baseball player getting tossed for using a “performance enhancing substance.” Authorities find a carton of milk in the player’s locker. Now MLB is crying about it. “Steroid use is a serious issue!” Bob Lob Law! It’s a parody – we get it, now get over yourself!

Be afraid – be VERY afraid! A Christian group in California (SURPRISE!) wants to “set up a Christian nation within the United States where abortion is illegal, gay marriage is banned, schools cannot teach evolution, children can pray to Jesus in public schools and the Ten Commandments are posted publicly.” OK, it’s no longer 1860. We have this cool thing called “science” now, and this “science” helps us learn about what really happened way back when. We no longer need to rely on some mythical story told by ancient ancestors, because now we actually know how people evolved! Oh, and Jesus probably wasn’t a white guy – just betting the odds here. I don’t think he was a pot smoking Rastafarian either, but people in Israel aren’t very light in skin tone. However, that Ten Commandments thing couldn’t hurt…

Sunday, October 23, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 10/23/05


OK, I’m a little annoyed. I know Wilma is a devastating natural disaster that is toying with everyone in the gulf. But, after Katrina, will the media ever stop calling every new hurricane “possibly the worst storm to EVER hit the US?” Seriously, the over-hype is just so, um, over-hyped! Rita was supposed to be the “worst ever,” and now Wilma is touted as the same. The media is the worst bunch of bandwagon jumpers EVER!

Dan Dierdorf told me so.

Katie Holmes is “ecstatic” about being pregnant. OK, I want to hear how “ecstatic” she is in the delivery room with no drugs and not being allowed to yell, scream, or sweat. Heh!

Mmm – cheeseburger! The House OK’d a bill dubbed the "cheeseburger bill" banning people from suing restaurants for making them fat. OK, but can you sue them for giving you explosive diarrhea?

I used to think stamp collectors were dorks. Then I saw this article about someone buying a sheet of the “Inverted Jenny” stamp (a 1918 stamp depicting a plane that was misprinted only on one sheet showing the plane upside-down) for $2.97 million! Now I still think they are dorks, but rich dorks. Someday I’ll sell my, um, collection of, uh…I don’t collect anything. Crud!

At least he got the attention! An astrologer in India predicted his own death last week. Hundreds came to his town to see if he would die, but he lived through the day. He blamed the people who prayed for him to live for ruining his prediction, and his credibility. Oh, and someone emptied the knife drawer, which was plan B.

“Wake up and move yer car before I give you a ticket! OK, you asked for it!” Australian police gave a parking ticket to a man who died in his car. Probably thought the old man was being a smart-ass. Great joke, geezer!

What’s the ironicness of that? The author of a new law that charges a felony to people who keep dangerous dogs in NM was, um, attacked by his own dog. That’s like Jay Leno backing a bill against bad comedians!

Why not become a criminal? These spoiled babies get food, cable, toilet paper. Well, NOW they get toilet paper. Funds for toilet paper (and other supplies) at a jail in Indiana actually got voted DOWN the week before. Finally, a second vote lead to a 5-1 victory. A grumpy panel member told the bastards to use their hands!

It’s been a while since I went golfing, but I always hated getting pestered by the ranger to keep things moving. Slow golfers in front were annoying as well. However, I never let it get me bent out of shape. But when deputy Raymond Yi of California didn’t think the group in front of him was playing “ready” golf, he pulled out his gun! Dude, relax! A bad day on the golf course beats a good day at work ANY day!

Ah, drinking games! Anheuser-Busch thought they were being cute and innocent by introducing a game called “Bud Pong.” This is a game where players use a ping-pong ball and try to bounce it into a cup filled with WATER. If you get it in, someone has to drink the WATER, which makes this game painful in Mexico. But those smart kids changed the beverage to – GASP – beer! The game is now being pulled from the shelves. Like they didn’t see this coming!

Boy, the military will recruit ANYONE! The Marines sent a letter to Sally-Alice Thompson saying they are in need of her services. Ms. Thompson is 82-years-old. Not sure what exactly she can do for these guys!

A girl in Indiana brought a gun and pot to school. Is this news really? After the pot I saw at the SOAD concert, I’m surprised she didn’t get past the metal detector!

This woman is a whiney beyotch! She is a stay-at-home mom going “on strike” because her kids and husband won’t help her around the house. Seen it.

And so is this guy! He actually hired homeless people to help him form a rally against illegal immigration. Someone needs some friends.

Can people in Oklahoma get any dumber? This guy was sentenced to 30 years in jail for shooting with intent to kill and robbery. He ASKED that his sentence get EXTENDED to 33 years to honor Larry Bird. When he heard about this, Bird said, “Dang! People in Indiana aren’t even that stupid. We even (eventually) give criminals toilet paper.”

Sometimes “wasn’t me” doesn’t work! AMEX is suing a man who is trying to dispute $241K in nudie bar charges. The CEO of Savvis, Inc., Robert McCormick, racked up (get it?) the bills but swears they were fraudulent. The bar actually fingerprints any customer who spends more than $10K, and calls the credit card company with the customer right there to approve the charges. Um, I think he’s toast!

The Packers must have had a bye-week last week! A man in Wisconsin is accused of putting photos of his, um, naughty bits on women’s cars in shopping center parking lots. He claims that he thought the women would find it funny. I guess that depends on how small it is!

In the immortal words of a drunk Harry Carey, “Lowanoutshide. Hhhaalppy blurfday to Tony Angelico and his daughter-law, Michael. No, Meeshhlell. Fowbawl!”

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Hey Sports Fans!

A few brief observations:

BASEBALL: OK, so I loathe baseball. Sure I spent $25 on a book about the Red Sox winning the World Series last year, but not because I like the Red Sox. Or baseball. Or because it was written by one of the best sports columnists in the world, Bill Simmons. I actually bought his book because he was signing autographs at the Borders off Arapahoe and Parker last night. He wouldn’t sign my boob, so I had to buy the book. No biggie – I honestly enjoyed the introduction, as it brought back many memories of attending sporting events as a child. However, now that the rest of the book contains his columns about the Red Sox for the last (seems like) 100 years, I’m not sure how much fun it will be. The best part about meeting him was the absolute blank look on his face when I told him I discovered his little Page 2 column because a co-worker left it on the back of a toilet in the men’s room. His wife chimed in and said, “a lot of people say that.” So he signed my book as follows:

“Patrick – thanks for reading me on the crapper. Bill Simmons”

So it’s the Houston Astros and the Chicago White Sox for the World Championship. The network executives have GOT to be bawling over this. What’s the over/under on the ratings drop from last year when the Red Sox were trying to win their first title since Eve ate the apple? I’d say about 65%. Honestly, not even the people in Chicago give a rip about the ChiSox, and probably 98% of Houston forgot they had a baseball team since they got rid of the uniforms that used to glow in the dark.

I say Houston in 6.

BASKETBALL: Can someone tell me what the big deal is about the new “dress code” in the NBA? Does it really deserve the attention it’s getting in the media (he says as he gives it MORE attention)? First of all, I don’t really care if the kids want to dress in gaudy gold chains and clothes that are 11 sizes too big for them. Secondly, the players agreed to adhere to a dress code when they signed the new collective bargaining agreement. If they thought that meant they could still dress like thugs then they are complete idiots. Then again, they are basketball players. Third, I’m pretty sure they can all afford some nice clothes, and they aren’t the only ones who dress in a presentable manner when traveling. Look at hockey players – always in a suit and polite. There’s a huge difference between the social statuses of both athletes growing up, but hockey players learn about discipline. David Stern can ask NBAers to dress however he wants – it’s his league. If I were Stern, I’d be more concerned about the on-court brawls and off-court behavior than I would be about their appearance.

FOOTBALL: Speaking of bad behavior, God bless the Minnesota Vikings. New owner Zygi Wilf must be wondering what the hell happened! He goes out, buys himself a football team, and then they have a HUGE orgy on a boat – AND THEN go off to an AFTER PARTY! He should have let the black guy buy them and saved himself this embarrassment! Wilf paid $600 (remember, million is always implied in the cost of professional sports teams – and the Rock’s clout at the box office!) and the value jumped quickly to $658 in September. I’m thinking, after a horrible start, an overrated QB, and a coach who has absolutely NO clue – oh, and the little boat incident, this team can’t be worth $500 anymore. Million NOT implied!

Has Mile High Magic returned to Denver? Back when the Broncos moved out of Mile High Stadium and into something called Invesco Field at Mile High, the predominantly orange have had pretty much no advantage to playing at home. They have lost games they certainly should have won easily (the freakin’ Bears?), blown big leads (damn Raiders!), and had last-minute comebacks AGAINST them (NE and the Brady Bunch). This season, they’re undefeated at home and had a big comeback against SD, steamrolled the Chiefs, barely tipped away a 2-point conversion to beat the ‘Skins, and somehow stopped the 4th-quarter machine from New England. I know, it’s early – and they’ve been 5-1 three years in a row. Is this team different? Can the players on the field actually HEAR the crowd when they make noise? Is the crowd actually making noise this year? (Because, from the games I’ve attended at this new stadium, the crowd just isn’t into it – at all!) That all remains to be seen! But just in case, I’m starting a book about the Broncos this month. Thanks for the inspiration Simmons!

HOCKEY: It’s back, it’s fast, and no lead is safe. Just ask my Avs, who have now blown a 3-goal lead TWICE! In a week! I don’t think I like this trend. The sports talk radio stations are blaming Abby, but he was certainly left out to dry many times last night. Sure he made a bonehead play against Nashville, taking a roughing penalty with 4 minutes left, so he kinda deserved that loss. But last night, the whole team went into zombie mode when they were up 4-1. By the end of the 2nd, they were tied at 4. With 58 seconds left, Abby tried to play the puck behind the net. He nonchalantly stuck his stick out, instead of quickly throwing his entire body BEHIND his stick, slamming himself up against the boards so the puck wouldn’t slip by, and, uh, the puck slipped by. Rob Blake lazily skated behind the net watching the whole thing unfold. The defenseman on the other side let his man beat him to the puck and center it to a waiting Craig Conroy in the slot. Game over, Dude. Joe Sakic described the Avs' play as "scrambly." Ironic, that's exactly how my head felt!

Now I’m starting to realize why SI had the Avs listed 18th overall.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Newest PAFC Contest Winner ANNOUNCED!

In the end, aren’t we all winners?

Uh, no! The winner of the PAFC Movie Quote Contest is…

Derek “Son of Cheese” Knight! Derek (on yer right, completely infatuated with the strings of his tennis racquet), along with the assistance of the Internet, was the only one to get ALL 20 quotes correct! So, big winner Derek, email your shipping address to and your custom PAFC Contest Winner T-shirt, “Make the Girls SCREAM” CD, and autographed Pat Angello appearance flier will be sent to you!

Oh, so you want ANSWERS, eh? Here ya go:

1) “They mostly come out at night – mostly.” ALIENS

2) “It’s such a fine line between stupid, and clever.” THIS IS SPINAL TAP

3) “That chick Julie – she’s truly dazzling!” VALLEY GIRL

4) “Let’s get outta here before one of those things kills Guy!” GALAXY QUEST

5) “You keep using that word. I don’t think it means what you think it means.” THE PRINCESS BRIDE

6) “Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale’s vagina.” ANCHOR MAN

7) “Know how I know you’re gay? You like Coldplay.” THE 40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN

8) “Snakes. Why’d it have to be snakes?” RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK

9) “You’re man Christian is a cake boy! He’s a disco dancing, Oscar Wilde Reading, Streisand ticket holding friend of Dorothy, know what I’m sayin’?” CLUELESS

10) “You’re killing me Smalls!” THE SANDLOT

11) “Could be worse. It could be raining.” YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN

12) “Did he just say, ‘funky buttloving?’” ROOKIE OF THE YEAR

13) “She’s magically babe-licious.” WAYNE’S WORLD

14) “I'll be takin’ these Huggies, and, uh, whatever cash you got.” RAISING ARIZONA

15) “No ma’am. We at the F.B.I. do not have a sense of humor we are aware of.” MEN IN BLACK

16) “Death by stereo!” LOST BOYS

17) “Oh, I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - browsing. I, uh, heh-heh. Well, I guess it just wouldn’t... Oh he-he, it wouldn’t be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they - HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is warm in here, isn’t it?” NATIONAL LAMPOON’S CHRISTMAS VACATION

18) “I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don’t tell ‘em you’re Jewish, okay?” CADDYSHACK

19) “You're gonna need a bigger boat...” JAWS

20) “I’m thinkin’ of something orange. Something oraaannnngggge. Give up? It’s an orange! Ok, now I’m thinkin’ of something blue. Something bluuuuuue.” UHF

Thanks to all who participated! Some only missed like one or two answers. Look for a new contest in the next few months!

Let’s get on with a new newsletter, shall we?

So, why did we move this summer? Frankly, we saw the neighborhood taking a downward turn. There was a check-cashing store opening up, an increase in sirens in the middle of the night, and more graffiti popping up all over the place. This was hardly a neighborhood in which we wanted to start a family. Confirming our decision was a story on FOX 31 News last night about a new resident of our old neighborhood. His name is David Earl Russell and he has multiple convictions as a sexually violent predator of children. Oh, and he resides about ½ mile from our old house. I’m glad we moved!

Sly’s commin’ atcha again! (For the record, spell check HATED that last sentence!) Sylvester Stallone will be making and starring in a sixth Rocky film. The dude is 60! Literally! I didn’t know boxers were allowed to use walkers!

Speaking of film, some friends of ours just frucking made one! Steve and Andrea Mudd (yep, their name is Mudd – literally!) have (almost) completed their film, Seclusion. For more info and to watch the trailer, go to Look for it at film festivals starting in the fall!

For the record, Steve is directly related to the Dr. Mudd who assisted John Wilkes Booth, the man who shot President Lincoln. Booth was injured when he ran from the theater and Dr. Mudd took him in and bandaged him up. Because he assisted a man who assassinated a president, the community shunned Dr. Mudd. This is where the phrase, “your name is mud” comes from. Pretty cool, eh? Hopefully Steve and Andrea will become famous for something different very soon!

If you shoot it, they will come! At least that’s the attitude Paris Hilton has about her cancelled reality TV show, the Simple Life. Even though FOX has declined to run the show this season, Hilton and that mutt Nicole Richie are still shooting episodes. Hilton says, “All the networks are fighting over (the rights).” Of course they are, because America LOVES stupid spoiled bitches that have no respect for people.

Sure this is sad, but how does one do this alone? Comedian Charles Rocket committed suicide this week by slitting his own throat. That takes some balls right there! Rocket was best known for his roles Earth Girls are Easy and Dumb and Dumber. He was on SNL for one season, but got booted for cursing on the air.

Long Island principal cancels prom! Kellenberg Memorial High School principal Kenneth Hoagland can’t stand the flaunting, so he has cancelled prom at his school. “It is not primarily the sex/booze/drugs that surround this event, as problematic as they might be; it is rather the flaunting of affluence, assuming exaggerated expenses, a pursuit of vanity for vanity's sake - in a word, financial decadence,” Hoagland said. In this day when people like Paris Hilton are idolized and shows like Sweet 16 hit the kids right between the eyes, what do we expect? BTW, it’s going to get even worse before it gets better.

So, paying only $1.16 in taxes isn’t worth the trouble of writing the check you say? No matter how small the amount, the feds ain’t messing around! Deborah Combs of Ohio has been unemployed for 5 years and never paid her $1.16 in taxes back in 2000. Because of the fines, she owes over $200 and could face up to 18 months in jail and another fine of $4000! Um, oops!

Bigfoot conference in big Texas! The believers come in droves, sharing encounters but never providing proof of the (for now) fictitious creature. I believe bigfoot has already adapted into society, and could be working with you in your office! So, if you pat a co-worker on the back and get that spongy, weird feeling through their shirt, you too can attend the conference!

So, you think offices are casual NOW? Wait until the youth of today starts setting dress codes! Apparently many high school girls think pajama bottoms are appropriate attire for school. “Some days you don’t want to get dressed up for school. Like when it’s raining and cold. You just want to be cozy,” said one 16-year-old girl. Wah! It starts at the parents – my mother would fall over dead if anyone in our family tried that. When you take pride in your appearance, it shows that you take pride in yourself. And Seinfeld thought wearing sweats in public was pathetic!

Need a day off? Call in a bomb threat! This is especially effective if you work for an airline. However, if you are stupid enough to do this, at least be smart enough to use a pay phone instead of your cell like this SriLankan Airlines stewardess did.

Uh, MEANWHILE! 54 years ago, Machal Lalung of India was sent to a mental asylum. Recently, the National Human Rights Commission found that healthcare authorities had made a mistake (he only suffered from epilepsy) and set him free. He was so mad that he turned light urple and then shot up a 7-11, which actually turned out to be a seizure.

Monday, October 17, 2005


OK, not really!

The winner of the latest PAFC contest will be announced on Tuesday afternoon!

For now, why don't you click here for the next greatest rock band ever?

Friday, October 14, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 10/14/05

The creature has left NYC! Mary Kate Olsen (the anorexic, er, bulimic, oh whatever one on yer right) has left NYU to focus on her increasing responsibilities as co-president of Dualstar Entertainment Group, the company she “runs” with her sister Ashley. Ashley remains in school, even though they are each worth about $150 (remember million is always implied in the net worth of child stars that look like monkeys – and the number of people that oh-so missed hockey!). Prediction: 2025 Ashley will still be worth a ton of dough, and Mary Kate will either be dead, completely broke, or in a “special” facility.

OK, before I get too far here – don’t forget about the latest PAFC contest! Click here for more!

Bill Romanowski did DRUGS? No way! Now he’s writing a book about it and going on 60 Minutes and crying for publicity. I have no sympathy and don’t really care. Nice guy – lied to his kids, purposely injured other players, spat in JJ Stokes’ face. A real role model! I know hippies who have done fewer drugs than this guy!

Is that Oprah? A woman on a motorcycle collided with a bear in CA. The bear jumped up and said, “Oh, it’s on now, beyotch!”

“There was an old lady who lived in a shoe. She had so many kids, her uterus fell out.” OK, maybe not, but Michelle Duggar of Arkansas just dropped her 16th kid. She’s had two sets of twins and has pretty much been pregnant for 18 years straight now. Dude – give her a break! At least let her get a haircut!

A man in North Dakota asked his beloved Katie to marry him by etching the question into his soybean field. However, he started running out of room, so he left off an “r” in the word “marry.” Essentially, he asked Katie to “mary” him. Sounds a little kinky. She said, “I scanned it, noticed what it said and was speechless (because I suddenly realized I was about to marry a man who can’t spell).” She said yes, and then asked who the hell Mary is.

Why do people keep doing this? A couple in Montana currently own 200 pets: 17 cats, two goats, seven pigs, 16 chickens, two turkeys, two guinea pigs, six parakeets, two ducks, 18 horses and 138 dogs. They could feed all of the homeless in Montana with most of those animals. Chinese restaurants wouldn’t have to buy meat for months!

You didn’t just click on that link, did you? Really? Could you not tell where I was going with that? Don’t you even know me by now?

But wait – there’s more! This guy in CA had 300 birds in his home, 120 were dead! Oh, and he was operating on a pigeon that he sedated with vodka. Someone needs to find a new hobby. I can’t even imagine what that place looked like.

Someone didn’t learn his lesson! A man in Indiana robbed a bank just 5 days after getting out of prison for, um, robbing a bank! He was in jail for just 2 years of his 6-year sentence. We really need to let criminals out of jail early more often – it seems to be working!

Them Brits loves some dirty laundry! A man used a banner hung from a bridge to tell his wife he wanted a divorce. She replied calling HIM the cheater. Both were not allowed to go outside for recess.

Corral that truck thief! When a man in Texas stole a truck and then wrecked it, witnesses hogtied him with a garden hose. That’ll learn him! Ya know, stealing brown rice from Albertson’s is a half step away from stealing cars.

A woman escaped prison in Nebraska wearing just her undies. Rumor has it, she signed up for THIS – the annual underpants run in Hawaii! Not sure how she was going to get to Hawaii from McCook, NE, but what the heck. A chick running in underwear is a story I am required to cover.

Made ya look! Geez – I even made myself look when I was proofing this!

Looking for your fair share of scrimps? Look no further than McDonald’s in Japan, where you can no enjoy a nummy shrimp burger! My wife would enjoy that, and so would Starkiesha’s entourage!

Feeling a little claustrophobic? A man on a plane from Vegas to Tampa literally punched out a window on the plane. OK, well just the inside of the window. So, um, where was he planning on going?

Ah, the life of a Walgreen’s employee! A few women working at a Walgreen’s in Florida got into a fight about using the microwave in the break room. So out came the knives! Yep, one woman literally stabbed the other over who got to use the stupid microwave! Every time I’m in Walgreen’s, the employees are always so sweet and pleasant!

Ack – I feel like I’m going to cough up a screw! This guy literally DID cough up a screw! After falling from a ladder and breaking 2 vertebrae in his back, Etienne Verhees had a metal plate inserted. His cold made him cough up a screw from the plate. That is the coolest thing I ever heard!

The world’s oldest noodles have been discovered in China. They were preserved in an overturned bowl. Houyuan Lu, of the Chinese Academy of Science in Beijing and his colleagues found the ancient noodles and said they weren’t bad but a little stale. Kinda like the low-carb noodles that taste like cardboard, only slightly tenderer.

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!