Sunday, December 26, 2004

Newsletter 12/26/04

Freakish “Where Has THAT Guy Been” sighting of the week: Nick, Mallory’s boyfriend on Family Ties, was a sleep analyst on CSI: NY last week. That’s right, THE Scott Valentine! Sure it took me 4 days to recall where I’d seen him before, but at least I remembered! The question is: how the hell did I remember? NO, why did I remember?

It couldn’t have happened to a bigger jerk. I’m not crying for the Philadelphia Eagles and their “loss” of Terrell Owens. That guy is the biggest baby in the NFL and I love the fact that he’s out for the season! What’s that? Where’s my Christmas spirit? Let me tell you – this guy was traded From the San Francisco 49ers to the Baltimore Ravens during the off-season. Why isn’t he playing for Baltimore? Because he pouted his way out of the trade! He forgot (that’s right, FORGOT) to sign a clause of his contract in time to become a free agent and go wherever he wanted. So, San Francisco (who still technically owned his rights) traded him to Baltimore. He whined, and filed a grievance with the NFLPA until they over-turned the trade. Why? Because he is a high profile ass that refused to report for a physical! So, SF got nothing for him, Baltimore got nothing, and he went on to Philly with a smile on his face. Piss on him. He doesn’t deserve any good fortune because he’s a spoiled baby that doesn’t even care enough to do things through proper channels. Sorry, T.O., but you and Philly get no sympathy from me – I can’t wait to see them blow their 4th NFC Championship game in a row! Cheaters never prosper. Heh!

Since we’re on the subject of football, I need a favor. Somebody that reads this ridiculous, self-indulgent piece of literature has to know someone who knows someone who works for ESPN. And if you do, please urge them to purge that stupid “I Love You Too/Twins/Coors Light/Here’s to Football” song from SportsCenter. They insist on using it every damn week when they show a collage of highlights from the NFL – they just tweak the words a little to fit what happened in the games. OK, it was kinda cute the first 20 times I heard it – 4 years ago! Please, stop – just stop already! It’s not funny anymore, and those are not twins – just the same cheerleader on a split screen. Do they think we’re stupid? Not all of us live in Iowa. The cow is dehydrated; quit trying to milk it!

Wait, I feel more football. How is it that the last 3 Monday Night Football games have given us 3 double-digit comebacks in the last 3 minutes? And how come all 3 losing teams are the ones I selected to win in the Pig Skin Pick ‘Em? Amazing – three miraculous comebacks in a row and I managed to screw them all up!

I’m sorry did you say more football? OK. Former Miami Dolphin running back Ricky Williams did an interview with Mike Wallace for 60 Minutes. For those of you that don’t know, Ricky retired right before training camp this season to pursue, um, marijuana. Yep, he tested positive for the 3rd time and decided that it would be best to retire and give up a ton of money instead of get suspended for a few games. So, the team he led into the playoffs last year is now 3-11 (only by one of the above mentioned miracles of MNF) and fighting for the worst record in the league (already worst in Dolphin history) and the #1 draft pick. Does he feel like he let his teammates/fans/city down and inherently forced the coach to resign? Does he think he owes said people an apology? Does he think he made the right decision? Did he jump off the deep end? Should we show pity? Here are a few excerpts from the interview – judge for yourself:

· “And if they want me to apologize just to apologize, then I will apologize. But it doesn’t mean anything unless I understand what I’m apologizing for." "You're apologizing for letting them down," says Wallace. "The Dolphins thought with you, and mainly with you that they had a chance at the Super Bowl." "What if I disagree? Do I still have to apologize, that I cost them their season," says Williams. "I played my butt off. I played as hard as I could whenever I put that uniform on. But I’m not doing that anymore, you know? I moved on. So when is it OK for me to stop playing football? When would it have been OK for me to stop playing football? When my knees went out? When my shoulders went out? When I had too many concussions? Like what? When is it OK?"

· He would have made $5 million this year, but he said, "it's blood money, as far as I'm concerned. The money is what made me miserable. I want to be free from that stress. Playing in the National Football League, you’re told you know where to be, when to be there, what to wear, how to be there," says Williams. "And being able to step away from that, I have an opportunity to look deeper into myself and look for what’s real." If I hear one more athlete or musician say something about “keepin’ it real…”

· "The thing that I had the most trouble with was that after you fail your third (drug) test, then it becomes public knowledge that you failed the test. And that's the one thing that I couldn't deal with at the time. People knowing that I smoke marijuana," says Williams. "That was my biggest fear in my whole entire life. I was scared to death of that." So rather than face the music and the media about his failed drug test, he quit football and ran away to Australia, where he lived in a tent community that cost him just $7 a day.

· "I took a hike, I set up my tripod, I started taking some self portraits, and the dreadlocks got in the way," says Williams. "So I ran up the top of the hill, got scissors in my van, cut my hair right then and there." Beyond the dreadlocks, Williams named one of his daughters Marley after his hero (uh, Bob).

Williams has gone from fortune into deep debt. The Dolphins claim he owes them more than $8 million for leaving in the middle of his contract. OUCH! All for the love of the pot! So, Ricky Williams literally went from being a multimillionaire to living in A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!

For the record, if you are not reading Bill Simmons’ column on’s Page 2 on a regular basis, start. The guy is a brilliant writer and has a knack for making you want to yell, “that is so true – I was totally thinking that!” Simmons is far and away the best sports/entertainment writer going right now. Yes, better than me, but can you get a thong with HIS face on it? I didn’t think so!

I know it hasn’t aired yet, but I already see the Worst Reality Show (ha!) of 2005 coming and it’s called Who’s Your Daddy? This show has one contestant that was not loved as a child, so their real father abandoned them. Now, through the miracle of TV, they get to (or are forced to) be tortured by seeing about a half dozen likely candidates that COULD be their father, and they have to select the correct one. I’m not sure how they try to determine it or what they win in the end, but I hope it’s a long and emotionally painful process. So if they pick the wrong daddy, do they never get to know? That would be AWESOME! People that want to be on a reality TV show deserve this kind of humiliation in front of America. This show has to rival The Littlest Groom aka Who Wants to Marry My Midget? for the all-time insult on America’s intelligence. The only way I’d watch this would be if they didn’t really have their real dad there and the producers were sadistically crushing the contestants’ spirits like grapes when they realized THERE IS NO DADDY! Oooohhh, that would be sweet – like the contestant on “America’s Next Top Model” that broke down on the phone trying to tell her boyfriend of 3 years at home that she just gave it up to an Italian male model. Watching her dry as she curled up in a ball was the guiltiest pleasure of my limited Reality TV viewing! Careful of those Italians…

Just in case you were wondering, Christmas is a religious holiday. I’m not going to get preachy, I’m just saying, it’s not about dancing presents or the big red tags at car dealers that kids think are Santa Claus, OR Santa Claus, or the cool $75 gift card for Best Buy that my employment agency sent me that I used to buy that freakin’ awesome Nirvana boxed set. That thing is sweet! It has tons of previously unreleased tracks and a DVD and NO mention of Courtney Love and a cool book with the history of the band and pics and hand-written notes by Kurt… But it’s not about material items; it’s about spending time with family and friends. Oh, and that Jesus guy – religion.

I probably should have been a little more detailed about my father last week, so here’s the deal. He had a defibrillator installed into his ticker. It’s similar to a pace maker, but it’s a bit more advanced and is used to help people with a heart arrhythmia. The surgery went well and he was home the next day – thanks for all of your emails and support!

Have a safe New Year celebration and I’ll be back in ’05!

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Blogs rock!

Even though my friends think "blogging" is gay, I know it not to be. In fact, clogging -- not blogging -- is gay. Watch the Tenacious D DVD and you'll understand what I mean.

Just stop off at my blog: to see a rockin' blog in the grand tradition of the bloggiest blogs of them all. You'll see. Just click.

YAY! My Own Blog!

Not sure exactly what that means, but I've got one. So I suppose I should start inviting people!

Sunday, December 19, 2004

Newsletter, 12/17/04

I hate Martha Stewart. I could care less about her insider trading BS, and her shows, and her getting out of jail in time to plant her stinkin’ bulbs. All I know is this: her Xmas tree lights looked really deco and funky at the store, so I bought them and they are garbage. We're talking 3 times the cost of the average lights, but with the odd looking tree we buy every year (Colorado White Fir - looks like something from Dr. Seuss), I knew they would look cool. SOB’s shorted out in 2 days - TWO DAYS! Not a good thing, Martha. Don't be surprised if she gets cut up in the slammer - not that I know anything in advance...

The big f-up on SNL was the best thing that could have happened to Ashlee Simpson and her “singing” career. Now, anytime she’s going to sing live, it’s like a miracle! The press is everywhere and the AP picks it up to tell the world. This has to be the most pathetic thing I've ever seen. The girl has no talent and she’s a mutt - get her out of my magazines, off my TV, and away from my Internet! And take that skanky Paris Hilton with her! God bless South Park for saying what everyone else thinks about her. If you have not seen the Paris Hilton episode, keep an eye out for the rerun. Easily their most demented show to date, and that's sayin sumthin!

Every day I send a list of celebrity birthdays to my wife. Not sure why exactly, it’s just a fun email to get our day started on email. Here’s one of the birthdays listed this week: “Kito Trawick ''Crowd-hyper'' (Ghostown DJs) 27.” Crowd-hyper? Are you serious? The AP misses some big names that have fallen off the face of the Earth every now and then, but to add THIS guy? I didn't know “crowd-hyper” was an actual job description!

Dear Gary Bettman. Aw, who cares anymore! Signed, Former Hockey Fans.

FYI: Christmas Day, Pacers vs. Pistons, round 2. Happy holidays!

Sports talk radio stations in Denver are plain stupid. All the radio shows can talk about is Jake Plummer giving the bird to a fan. Who cares? Can we talk about the NHL labor talks, or the baseball steroid thing (yes, I'm so burnt out on this subject I'd rather talk baseball, God forbid), even something about basketball? If someone calls a radio station and asks them to change the subject and spend their time on a legitimate issue, they get “offended” and hang up on the guy. Thank goodness I have 8 Megadeth CDs in my car (yes, I said 8 as in eight) to ease the pain!

Scott Peterson’s punishment isn't good enough. Here’s what they should do: string him up by his boys and let the family throw darts and bricks at him. Maybe even go at him with a razor blade or two - something that will take a while for him to bleed to death and cause him a ton of pain. Put it on pay-per-view and send all the proceeds to her family. Hell, I'd pay to watch that! Him sitting in solitary for 17 years waiting to get an injection and go to sleep seems a little light to me. And this week some sick-o cut a baby from an 8-month pregnant woman? WHAT? The woman is dead, the baby is hanging on, and the couple that did it are having trouble getting pregnant. OK, my wife and I have been trying to have kids for a while, but I'm joking when I suggest we steal one from the grocery store. An I thought my mind was sick. Apparently, this is some kind of trend! That scares me for society.

Speaking of being scared for society, the grilled cheese sandwich with the blessed mother burnt into the bread was on display in Vegas last week. And people stood in line to see it!

We rented Super Size Me this weekend. This film scared the crap out of me! I will never, ever eat McDonald's or any other fast food again. Do yourself a favor and check it out. It's mildly entertaining, and life changing as far as you deciding what to ingest. My fridge is now loaded with fruit and salad...

On a quick personal note, which I don't plan on adding every week, but my dad has surgery planned this week - please keep him in your thoughts.
Now, have a Merry Christmas and we'll see you next week!

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!