Sunday, December 07, 2014

Pat Angello's Guide to Holiday Eating!

I mean, really.  What do I know?  OK, I did well with LA Weight Loss back in the day, gained it back, lost it again, gained it, lost it, gained it...  I think you get the picture.  But ya know, the holidays are HORRIBLE for trying to lose weight.  So don't try, because it's mostly impossible - mostly.  Instead, let me give you some fun tips on how to decide what to eat, and how LA Weight Loss would categorized/justify it for you!

The keys to LA Weight Loss were portion control, getting in certain amounts of all of the food groups, drinking lots of water, and keeping your salt intake at a minimum.  Some salty stuff was OK on occasion, as long as you made up for it with extra water.  Let me see if I can guide you through some traditional holiday foods.

Cookies: Ugh, the cookies are overwhelming, aren't they?  But let's break it down. There's flour (wheat, that's a grain, yo!), eggs (PROTEIN!!), butter (dairy - check), sugar (this stuff grows out of the ground and looks a lot like asparagus, so lets just call it a vegetable), and sometimes there's chocolate (cocoa beans are BEANS, so there's a veggie!).  So simple!  One cookie has protein, grain, veggies and dairy!  How is this NOT healthy, AMIRIGHT???  Might as well throw chocolate fudge into this conversation.  I almost went all Bill Cosby on you there.  I mean, his "Chocolate Cake for Breakfast" routine.  I'm not trying to drug and rape you through the internet.

Gingerbread Houses and Cookies: This link says "Historically, ginger has a long tradition of being very effective in alleviating symptoms of gastrointestinal distress. In herbal medicine, ginger is regarded as an excellent carminative (a substance which promotes the elimination of intestinal gas) and intestinal spasmolytic (a substance which relaxes and soothes the intestinal tract). Modern scientific research has revealed that ginger possesses numerous therapeutic properties including antioxidant effects, an ability to inhibit the formation of inflammatory compounds, and direct anti-inflammatory effects."  You're welcome!

Pie: OMG, pie!  Who doesn't love a good pie?  Pumpkins and apples are fruits, so WOO!  And the pie crust has flour (grain), butter (dairy), and water - WATER!  Awesome!  Bring on the damned PIE!!!  Unless it's minced meat pie.  That's just wrong!

Candy Canes: Little red and white hooks of love!  Candy canes are AWESOME, and almost never cut the living hell out of your mouth.  There's really nothing to these guys, just sugar (cane, asparagus-like veggie), corn syrup (YES!  More veggies!  It's almost like Iowa just curled up in your mouth!), natural flavor (whatever that means...  Maybe it means mint flavor, and mint is a plant, so ANOTHER VEGGIE!), and added color (Red #40 is, um, not so good for you.  It could cause hyperactivity in children, but that might help them sleep better later, right?).  But HEY!  At least there are no peanuts involved, and like every other person is allergic to peanuts these days!

Turkey, Beef Roast, and Ham: Dude, come on!  These are PROTEINS, so bring it!  I suppose there's a lot of salt in ham, so just make sure you drink 2-17 extra glasses of water to flush it out.

Mashed Potatoes and Sweet Potatoes: Veggies. Done.

Stuffing: Do we need to even address this? We're talking celery, onions, butter, bread. It's a full healthy meal in every damn bite!

Eggnog: Creamy delicious protein and dairy in a single glass.  What's not to love?  Wait!  Add some RUM to it!  Rum is known to lower blood pressure and relieve stress.  Add.  Rum.  ADD RUM!!!  Is my finger talking?

Green Bean Casserole: Whoever decided to mix beans with cream of mushroom soup and throw crispy onions on top was either a sick and twisted individual or a genius.  My wife would ask why someone would want to ruin perfectly good beans by dousing them with fungus sauce, and others would call it a "you just got your chocolate in my peanut butter" moment.  But, ya know, with green beans and cream of mushroom soup.  Hey, maybe the person that "created" this dish was making soup, tripped while carrying beans, and BOOM!

Cranberry Sauce: Anything that retains the shape of its container when it's let loose freaks me out, but it is a berry/fruit, so it can't be THAT bad for you, right?

Figgy Pudding: Unless you're British or over the age of 80, forget this exists.  Maybe if you're having issues staying "regular" this would work, otherwise just grab a soft piece of cat crap from the litter box and eat it with a spoon for the same effect.

Mixed Nuts: I don't care who you are or where you're from, nuts are AWESOME!  Call them grains, call them proteins.  I call them amazing!

Fruit Cake: Eff you, fruit cake!  I don't care if you have fruit, and grains, and good stuff.  You're a door stop at best!

Well, that's all I can think of.  If I missed something, let me know and I will justify it for you.  Happy holidays, and EAT SOMETHING!!!  There's a reason it's called a new year resolution, not a try to slim down when people are literally throwing pie in your mouth resolution.  Mmm, pie...

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