Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Wacky Video Wednesday!

She shoots, she SCOOORRREEESSS!!!!



I wanna know why these GUYS are all excited! It looks like SHE did all the work and the guys are jumping around like they won the lottery. Besides, I think she banged her head, like they care...

So, if you're getting this blog through FeedBlitz and you want to see the video, well, um, you kinda hafta click on the title of the entry to visit the blog on the web - then you can watch the vids! Kewl, eh?

Here's Yer Sign


What’s in a name? My lovely wife and I drove around looking at houses this weekend. She asked me if I would be opposed to living on Butterwort Drive. Do people really make fun of your street name? I’ve actually seen men turn down the perfect house because of the street name. Well, according to the article I linked above, Psycho Path has been voted the wackiest street name in the US. I’m pretty sure most of my ex-girlfriends lived there. Anyway, Psycho Path beat out other great names like Divorce Court, Constipation Ridge, and Farfrompoopen Road. Heh!

Good luck. The owner of many strip clubs in the Midwest is running for school board in St. Louis. Yeah, the people in the Midwest LOVE that kind of thing! The company is actually based in Colorado. Maybe we need to pay him a visit and see what kind of platform he plans to running on.

You mean there’s something wrong with that? Some bonehead leader of a radical group made a speech about how to build a firebomb. That wouldn’t be SUCH a huge deal, but it came just hours after his group took “credit” for destroying a large apartment complex. That makes a lot of sense – we hate the government, so we’ll destroy the lives of others who have nothing to do with it. Do us all a favor – go after someone that we all hate. Please?

Bring in the strong arm! Some woman sued a Brazilian man for smacking her on the booty. He’s been sentenced to 4 years of house arrest! At least he didn’t kiss her.

There’s always room for Jell-o! OK, thanks to all who came to see m perform at Freak Train last night. That was MUCH better than that stupid Gong Show thing. Anyway, De-to-the-Jo filmed me again and hopefully I can get the performance on the blog soon!

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Get Up! It's MONDAY!


Hey! It must be Monday! And that means another Random Monday CD Review! Click HERE to read about Static-X!

FREE BEER! Like I care. Some drunks in Wisconsin stole a semi trailer of Miller beer. Mmm – Genuine Draft! The truck had a value of about $26K, which is about a weekend supply for Bode Miller. Dude, can you straddle just ONE MORE gate? HA!

Time to clean! Some guy in Louisiana did a little house cleaning and found an old lottery ticket worth $800K! Like this slob needs to win money. I think he needs to share and send about 10% of his winnings to a nice, unemployed man in Colorado.

Is it 1970 all over again? A streaker ran across the ice during a curling event in Turin during the Olympics last week. Well, something has to liven up that competition! I hear Carol Channing has a similar stunt planned for the Oscars next week. Hey, at least people WATCH the Oscars.

Can’t you do that at home? A woman trying to cheat on a drug test used a convenience store to nuke the fake penis she was going to bring into the drug test. Not like I know these things, but apparently you need to warm up the member so it would have a realistic body temp. Then she had a man ask a clerk to microwave the thing as it was wrapped in a paper towel. The clerk saw the unit and thought Lorena Bobbit was in town for a convention.

Oh good LORD! It seems Jesus Christ is EVERYWHERE these days – salt stains in an underpass, corn flakes. Now, some moron working at a hardware store is trying to sell a piece of sheet metal with the image of Jesus on it. Oh, and he’s actually got a “buy it now” price of $10K on it! My wife made me pancakes today and one kinda looked like Craig Morton, but I went ahead and ate it anyway. I mean, what kind of luck is that? Craig Morton?

That’s just sick! A museum in Washington that hosts “medical oddities” will have to move from Washington to a new location. I’m not sure I care where it moves to, because there is no way I want to visit a huge human hairball removed from some poor girl who chewed her hair.

Um, No, YOU Suck!


OK, so I was all excited to perform on Saturday. I got a call Friday night from the guy who was putting on a Gong Show, aka, You SUCK – Get Off The Stage! Anyway, I looked at it as a chance to have some friends come out and see me on a (gasp!) weekend! You see, normally, I only perform on the last Monday of the month at the Bug Theatre. And I will do that again tomorrow, but it’s not exactly the most convenient night for most people to go out. So, here I was, on stage on a weekend, with TV and radio promotions behind the event. I was stoked!

Well, the morons behind this production were too dumb to realize that the show was supposed to start at 8, and doors would open at 7. Instead, they tried to push everything up an hour and held a walk through at 7 with the performers. This kind of upset the crowd as they were waiting forever for the show to start and they were, ya know, drinking. After the thing finally started, they wanted blood.

The first performer was set up to piss people off, get booed, and be a sacrificial lamb. So he went out and started cursing at everyone, telling offensive jokes, and he got what the host wanted: gonged and gone. But the crowd was a little boo-happy and grumpy. The second act, a tranny singing the Violent Femmes, somehow got through her/his/its act. Then I came out and did the puppet thing to Frank Zappa (see 10/10/05 performance HERE). As soon as the puppets came out, the crowd started laughing. Then I heard some rustling and grumbling. The next thing I know, I’m gonged and toast. No big deal, but I’m thinking the crowd didn’t really have much to do with me getting gonged – more like the judges were just being pricks. For some reason, I knew my wife in the crowd was really pissed off.

The next act, gonged. Next one, gonged. Next, gonged. Next, gonged. Seriously, NOBODY was getting through even 1 minute of their performance! I was being held prisoner in the green room and bitching with some of the other performers. "Do the people in the crowd not realize that they paid money to be entertained and kicking people off the stage inside of a minute will lead to a quick waste of dough?" There were two young guys that hit the stage about 2 acts after I did, and they were really good! One played guitar and the other played mandolin and harmonica. The poor kids never had a chance! They looked absolutely shell-shocked in the green room after they were embarrassed for no good reason. Another performer was literally almost in tears as she was booted rather quickly. One older comedian told 2 jokes before he was gonged, and his 83-year-old mother was in the crowd watching him perform for the first time ever!

My point? Here I was, taking a Saturday night to try to get some exposure, inviting friends from all around Colorado, not getting paid, being forced to stay backstage and miss the rest of the performers (like anyone actually GOT to perform), and being made a complete ass of simply so 2 punk-ass bastards who think they are "great comedians" could rule the stage. The only positive thing I personally can say is that I was a last-minute alternate so I didn’t get a chance to call TOO many people. Oh, and I didn’t actually have to audition! Can you believe that these two SOB’s actually had the nerve to make people AUDITION simply so they could destroy their self esteem? The more I think about this, the more pissed off I get! I did have a few people there who had never seen me perform before, and I felt like a complete moron for inviting them.

So, to my friends and fans who actually showed up, I’m sorry. I know it’s not my fault because I had no idea this was coming, but I still feel responsible for ruining your Saturday night for the biggest waste of time in the history of mankind. And, to the 2 guys who created this "competition" simply so they could embarrass performers and make them feel 2 inches tall, well, fuck you! Yep, that’s the first time I’ve used that word on this site, but that’s the only way I can put it. Fuck you both!

Hey, happy Monday!

Friday, February 24, 2006

I'M IN!

Sweet! Someone backed out of the Gong Show for Saturday night, so I'm up! Come and check me out at the Oriental Theater at 8PM on Saturday 2/26!

Thursday, February 23, 2006

It's OK to Love Your Pets...


The logical next step beyond homosexuality? OK, not really, but a girl DID marry a dog in India. The girl is only 7-years-old and she married the dog to ward off the "evil eye" on her family. Yeah, I’m not buying it either! It sounds like Dad may be into something kinky.

Just whack ‘em off! A female teacher is in trouble for castrating a live pig in front of her science class. I smell bacon! No, wait. It’s PETA:

"We're concerned not only because animals suffer during these routine castrations but also because of the message it sends to students who are still forming opinions about treatment of animals in our society," said Stephanie Bell, a PETA cruelty case worker.

So, the students didn’t have an issue, and the PARENTS didn’t have an issue, but the whiney PETA freaks did. I say WHO CARES? I wonder if my friend in Bakersfield has anything to say about this.

A man in Little Rock Arkansas (no, not THAT guy), has been arrested for stealing a sheep from the Little Rock Zoo. This immediately made me realize that Little Rock has the most boring zoo in the universe!

Rock you like a hurricane? A 16-year-old in Singapore wanted to be a rock star. In fact, he used to practice air guitar while jumping on his bed. That was until he jumped too hard and flew out his 3rd story window and plunged to his death. Dude, if you’re 16 and still jumping on your bed, you’ll never be a rock star. And now we know why.

Mmm – piggy poop! A tank containing liquid pig manure burst and sent 240,000 liters (OK, someone convert for me) into the streets of a small Bavarian village. Tourism is at an all-time low. Heck, I’d rather visit the Little Rock Zoo!

Mike "Crybaby" Modano skips US team meeting. OK, so if you know me, you know I love hockey. I’ve almost enjoyed being unemployed and getting to watch live Olympic games on USA and MSNBC. But I hate whiney players, and Mike Modano is crying like a baby. Apparently Team USA coach Paul Laviolette thought Mikey didn’t have enough jump in his legs and sat him for most of the third period against Finland. The US went into the period down by two, and ended up losing by a goal. Modano thinks he could have made the difference. I think he’s a bitch! That’s OK, Erik Cole and John-Michael Liles will lead this team back into the promised land in 2010 with some great young talent. Fortunately, Chris Chelios, Modano, Keith Tkachuk (0 points in the tournament!), and other whiners will be gone by then.

You May Ask Yourself...


When will Pat Angello perform live again? Is it really almost that time of the month? Well, heck yeah it is!

I will DEFINITELY be performing at the Bug Theatre for the monthly Freak Train show on Monday, 2/27. Doors open at 7, show starts at 8, $5 gets you in, and the beer is free. The Bug is located on 37th and Navajo in Denver. Sorry, but no dress or puppets this time!

I MIGHT be performing on Saturday 2/25 at the Oriental Theater for the Gong Show. I say "might" because I am officially an alternate in case someone drops out. So, it should be fun anyway, but I won’t know if I’m needed until sometime on Saturday.

You have been warned.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Wacky Video Wednesday!

OK, so haw about a 3rd weekly thingie? (WARNING - naughty language!)

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

TP or not TP...


How can we be out of toilet paper? Some dude in Florida actually beat his roommate to death with a sledgehammer and claw hammer because, um, they were out of toilet paper. The guys fought over the weekend about the lack of toilet paper, and one dude pulled out a gun. That’s when the other dude started to hammer away. The man was beaten so badly that he had to be identified through his finger prints. Over toilet paper. Let’s try this exchange:

"Hey, we’re out of toilet paper."

"Dang. Well, I guess we can use tissue for now and then we can, ya know, go get more toilet paper at the store."

"Don’t make me pull out my gun!"

Maybe try the BBB? A man in Germany was so fed up with his purchase of, what he calls bad Mary Jane, that he finally went to the police. Um, yeah. The cops confiscated 200 grams of pot and threw the idiot in jail. There are some things you just need to handle yourself!

OK, I think I’m officially embarrassed by the Americans in the Olympics. Do you think people are laughing at us? Seriously? First, Bryant Gumble says that these are not the world’s best athletes because there aren’t any black competitors. Well, that doesn’t really make any sense. It’s not like black people are banned from the winter games, they just don’t participate in many winter sports such as skiing and skating. And I never understood why basketball is a summer sport?

So, the Americans are blowing all of the skiing events they were favored to win. Some dumb girl decided to do a little showboating on the way to her gold medal run, but she wiped out and had to settle for silver. Bode Miller hasn’t won dinky-doo. The American hockey team is just plain weak, especially when you consider that they have only won a single game so far and that was against Kazakhstan – a team that features only 2 NHLers! They tied Latvia, another team that only has 2 NHLers, and they have somehow backed their way into the second round with a 1-2-1 record. That goofy kid Derek made a great point about how the NHL players are ruining Olympic hockey. Click HERE to read it.

When the Americans DO win a medal, it’s by some embarrassing punk like Shaun White or Hannah Teter. Did you see her interview after she won? She literally sounded retarded. How these kids passed the drug test to actually compete is beyond me.

Somehow we are in third for overall medals, but I have no idea how. I’m just kind of sour on the whole thing! I love watching the hockey, but mostly to watch upsets like Switzerland and Finland shutting out Canada, or Slovakia beating USA. How can you root for team Canada when Todd Bertuzzi is on it? How can you root for team USA when Chris Chellios is on it? How can you NOT root for Switzerland when they have only 2 NHLers in netminders David Aebischer and Martin Gerber? How can you NOT root for Slovakia when Peter Budaj is in net?

There are no good stories coming out of Turin this year. Michelle Kwan never should have gotten on a plane, and then she whined about forgetting her iPod. Apparently all the USA can do is luge, speedskate, and snowboard. Someone pass the bong.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

SURPRISE!


Actually, I’ve decided to do 2 weekly things for this blog. Well, sort of!

First of all, I have started Funky Friday Value T-shirt day. Last week, it was a Brokeback Monkey T-shirt that is still available HERE for only $10!

Now, since I’ve been neglecting my music blog, I’ve decided to do a Random Monday Music Review! This is where I will literally close my eyes, select a CD from my collection and write a review on it. Who knows, you might find something new you’ll love or take a trip down memory lane with a blast from the past. This week, it’s Guns N Roses: Appetite for Destruction. Go on and read it – I’ll wait here.

OK, back to surreality!

Beans, beans, the magical fruit! The more you eat, the better the chances you find a bird’s head in the can you bought at the store. OK, so according to a family in Chicago, they opened a can of beans and found the head of a bird. But what about the rest of the bird?

Speaking of dumb, this guy just can’t take a hint! A man in Oregon has been sent to prison for life for kissing a woman. Well, it isn’t quite that simple. You see, the man kissed the woman without her permission. In fact, he didn’t even know her! She was a customer for an exterminating company and he came in to inspect her house. Then he randomly kissed her. She didn’t want it, or expect it, and it’s not the first violation for this guy. He’s already been convicted of 2 other felony sex offenses. In Oregon, it’s 3 strikes and yer out.

Yeah, THAT makes sense! Vietnam has banned alcohol in Karaoke bars. Its part of the country's continued campaign against so-called 'social evils.' What’s the point? I thought "Karaoke" translated to "drunken schlubs who THINK they can sing and the alcoholics who are too plastered to care."

To spite her face? A man in Oklahoma bit off his girlfriend’s nose after a fight. Not only that, but he swallowed it as well! The man’s stomach was pumped, but the nose could not be saved. This brings a whole new meaning to the "got yer nose" game!

It’s never too late to have kids! A 62-year-old woman gave birth in California this week. Um, should Viagra come with condoms?

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

I Wouldn't Touch it There...


How did I not know this? A survey conducted in Korea has found that the handles on shopping carts are bacteria traps. Bleh! I mean, I should have already known that, but I never really thought about it. Now I’m gonna be all paranoid next time I’m at the store. Maybe this is why my wife is feeling so crappy today? Or maybe it was the veal I made for her last night?

Great Americans to be honored? Peace activists in BC Canada are trying to build a sculpture to "honor" Americans who dodged the draft during the Vietnam War. Because God forbid we actually honor the brave heroes who went to fight for what we as a country thought was just. I think I’ve seen this statue already.

How do you get this bored? A kid in Germany tied himself to a foldaway bed and somehow got trapped. Neighbors heard the kid crying for help and called the police to rescue him from himself. Once again, Natural Selection has let us down.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Wanna Bet?


Anyone seen Janet Jones lately? A man in Wyoming lost $40K on the Super Bowl. Instead of paying up, he disappeared. Did he really bet on the Seahawks? Seriously? He told his wife he was going up into the mountains to clear his head after losing the dough, but I think he’s hunting whichever official was in the replay booth and let that "touchdown" by Roethlisberger stand. Either that or he’s "fishing" with Jack and Ennis.

I know y’all don’t have time to watch as much daytime TV as I do right now, but let me tell you what you’ve missed this week already:

  1. Ron Jeremy on Moral Court
  2. Maury’s Top 10 Most Outrageous Paternity Test Guests
  3. Every gay cowboy that ever walked the face of the earth popping up an any show that someone will book ‘em on
  4. Tyra Banks is deathly afraid of dolphins
  5. A guest on Tyra Banks’ show is deathly afraid of pennies
  6. Bob Barker has become one pushy and bossy SOB

And it’s only (almost) Wednesday! Oh, and I’ve had 2 interviews! Absolutely mind numbing!

I swear it’s not mine! A first-grade girl found 20 bags of pot in her locker. Right – not hers – whatever! When asked about it, she said, "Dude, seriously, I thought it was parsley!"

You are SO dead! An older couple decided to marry at a funeral home – where their original spouses are buried. John Franko and "Pushing Up the" Daisy Judy said they have grown accustomed to the place. Actually, I only touched on this article so I could use the "Pushing Up the" Daisy joke – sorry!

I guess somebody IS perfect! A 24-year-old bowler in Ohio rolled a perfect 900 in 3 games – only the eighth ever recorded. And his 15 minutes of fame is over.

Speaking of that, my boy Garet Johnson was booted from American Idol. Now I suppose he’ll head back to Wyoming to sing to the turkey, who doesn’t talk back like Simon does.

It’s almost FRIDAY! OK, not exactly, but Friday is coming – soon! And I’ve decided that I need to have a weekly, ya know, SOMETHING to get people (me, really) excited about this blog. So, make sure you tune in here Friday for the first in a weekly cool, um, thing that you can count on EVERY Friday! So, happy hump day, but come back on Friday. And tell all the bloggers you know! No, it’s not anything like Half Nekkid Thursday, but it will be fun. Just do it! Oh, and you can visit again BEFORE Friday because, ya know, I’ll have other stuff here. YAY! I’m excited! Can you feel it? UUuhhhnnnn! WOOT!

Monday, February 13, 2006

I Love You


Well, some of you at least. But what better way to say it than with matching nose jobs? Yeah, some freaky couple in China thought it would be romantic to have dual, matching nose jobs for Valentine’s Day. Um, not to be TOO stereotypical, but do many people from China have large noses? I mean, I thought they were, for the most part, relatively flat? Not that it’s a bad thing to have a flat nose; I’m just wondering how much a plastic surgeon really has to work with. Am I digging myself into a hole that I can’t get out of?

Maybe!

Did I mention that I love Chinese people? In fact, I love ALL Asian people. Ya know, Vietnamese, Japanese, Mongolian, Bangladeshi, Indonesian, um, and the others.

Is that your elbow, or are you just happy to see me? A man in Michigan was shot by his buddy while hunting because his friend thought the man’s elbow was a squirrel. That is one hairy elbow – and with a tail and everything! Probably doesn’t taste as good as squirrel. We’re on a budget ya know! Don’t tell my wife, but that’s what I’m making her for dinner tonight – Squirrel Marsala!

OK, I’ll say it – the media is crap. Yep, the whole way the Dick Cheney hunting accident was covered was absolute crap. We all know it was an accident now, and that BOTH Cheney and his billionaire friend were at fault (the guy came up from behind and did not announce his presence, but Cheney ultimately is responsible for his weapon, though he never saw the guy until after he fired). However, watching Grey’s Anatomy last night and seeing the teaser at the bottom of the screen that said “VP Cheney shoots friend” IMPLIED that he basically took a friend out to the wood shed and murdered him, which isn’t even close to what happened.

I hate the media!

Oh, and I knew that bomb was gonna blow – I just KNEW it!

Welcome to Bolivia! Get the kids up, feed them some cocaine, and send them off to school! The foreign minister would like coca leaves to be a breakfast staple for the children of Bolivia. I’m thinking this is a devious plot to sell more Ritalin.

Wait! I just thought of something better than matching noses for Valentine’s Day! How about a poem for my lovey wife?

For the Love of Kathryn

Call it fate
Call it luck
Somehow you found me

I was alone
Fragile
Hopeful

You came to me
All aglow
It made me smile forever

When we saw each other
Again, soon afterward
I knew I was in deep

You will never know
How much you did
Without doing anything at all

No matter what
You are always there
Supporting me, encouraging me

It’s times like these
When I am so delicate
That I have no fear

Only because of you
I am whole
And I continue on

I have one wish
And it sounds small
But it’s as large as life

I just wish
That I could somehow be
Half of what you are to me

You are my everything
And on this day
I do all I can for you

You’ve saved me
Created me
Made me who I am today

Thank you for everything
For being more
Than I could have ever expected

The love we share
Is so implausible
I wish everyone could feel it

As long as you are with me
I am perfect
Because you made me that way

I love you more than soup!

OK, everyone – go hug the love of your life and have a happy day!

Saturday, February 11, 2006

I'm Speachless!

But I think THIS speaks volumes for me!

I’m depressed!


No, it’s not because I’m looking for a job. I actually kind of enjoy being a house husband for now! I make my wife dinner, spend time with my puppy, and get to watch tons of Maury and Jerry. (While I’m here, can someone tell me how you can test 14 guys to see who your baby dad is and STILL not know? I mean, how many different guys can you shtoink in a week? Maybe I don’t want to know!) Oh, and the Family Channel has back-to-back episodes of Grounded for Life on at 2 – WOOT! Besides, the job search is busy, which is good. I have a lot of things up in the air and hopefully one will pan out soon.

OK, so why am I upset? Well, I somehow missed the series finale of Arrested Development. I literally almost cried last night when I realized this!

It’s not exactly my fault, but it kind of is. I mean, it was on the cover of the TV Listings book we got in the newspaper, and I made a MENTAL note that is was on Friday. But we went out to dinner, and I forgot it was on, and I forgot to record it.

(Side note here: another perk to being unemployed is your employed buddies pay for everything! We have some money, so we’re not destitute right now, but Brett bought dinner last night and I certainly didn’t expect it. That was really nice of him. It probably helped that there was another unemployed person at the table. And people refuse to let me argue. So, OK then! This doesn’t mean I want to stay unemployed, but I just might ride it a little.)

I blame FOX. Damn them for: 1) showing 2 hours/4 freakin’ episodes of the show back-to-back-to-back-to-back; 2) airing the show on a Friday of all nights; 3) simply not putting the show on for 4 final weeks during it’s normal time slot! The critically acclaimed show has won Emmy’s and this is how they let it ride off into the sunset? On the wrong night – a FRIDAY night? Opposite the opening ceremonies of the Olympics? I hate you FOX – I hate you like the Raiders and Red Wings combined with Bill Walton and Phil Simms added. I hate you like split pea soup! I hate you like Skating with Celebrities! I hate you like people who drive 40 MPH in the fast lane! I hate you like kids who wear their baseball caps cocked to the side! I hate you like Paris Hilton! Have I made my point yet?

Anyway, I am begging and pleading to anyone who recorded the show – please, please, please help me! I will do whatever it takes: wash your dog, car, or cat; clean your house; burn you the Morningwood CD; give you a personal puppet performance; make you dinner; send you an autographed PAFC flyer – WHATEVER IT TAKES!

God bless you all, and damn FOX to hell!

Friday, February 10, 2006

Fun at Parties!


Oklahoma, where the girls go whistling through their toes! Seriously! A woman in OK can whistle with her toes. She couldn’t whistle through her fingers, so she tried to whistle through her toes. She discovered that she had this, um talent at the age of 14. Suddenly, she was the most popular girl in school.

Plop! A woman in Littleton Colorado (hey – that’s my back yard, yo!) gave birth to a baby in a public toilet. She was only six months pregnant, so the miscarriage was a bit of a surprise to say the least. She simply went to the restroom and the baby ended up in the toilet. She wrapped it in a towel and called 911. The baby was only 1.5 pounds and is relatively OK. The woman named the baby Nevaeh, which is Heaven backwards and only God knows how to pronounce it. I guess she could have named it Teliot.

Is THIS your stop? A bus driver in Philly grabbed a passenger by her hair, smacked her into a pole on the bus, and then kicked her out the door. Apparently the woman was upset because the bus driver missed her stop. The bus driver’s wife said, "Yeah, he gets that way sometimes. Don’t tell him I said that!"

So, what’s in the bag? A woman in Florida was caught with a human head in a bag. But wait – that’s not the strange part. She was charged with "smuggling a human head into the U.S. without proper documentation." Um, I didn’t know there was a proper way to smuggle a head into the country! Actually, I’m kinda glad I didn’t know that.

The kids these days, with the rock and roll music and the football! Iowa’s ultra-Republican legislator Clel Baudler is serious about stopping all of the Mary Jane use in Des Moines. His plan is to ban concerts and football games. Because, then the kids would never figure out where to get stoned.

Here comes Ken! The doll just got a makeover in hopes to win back Barbie. I think she’s switched teams by now. It doesn’t matter, because the Queer Eye makeover simply isn’t helping!

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Grammy Schmammy!


The Grammy’s have got to be the worst awards show on the face of the planet. Ever since Jethro Tull beat Metallica for a HEAVY METAL award, I’ve completely given up on the thing. And you wonder why I have the PAFC Awards (coming soon!)?

But since we’re talking music...

He writes the songs! Barry Manilow’s new album, "The Greatest Songs of the Fifties," debuted at #1! Well, not the Billboard #1, but I know some people were excited.

OK, it was the Billboard #1. Again, I don’t want to sleep outside – especially in the snow.

Kelly Clarkson grabs a pair! The little cutie who won the American Idol competition a few years ago walked away with 2 Grammy’s last night. However, she didn’t thank American Idol. Is she a little too big for her britches? I said britches! Or did she just want to draw any more attention to her torrid affair with Randy?

Speaking of American Idol... The show apparently beat the Grammy’s in ratings Wednesday night. Well, yeah! I mean, would you rather watch Gwen Stefani’s water break, or Garret Jackson (the goofy cowboy from Wyoming) break in the water? I swear, he’s the only reason I give a smack about the show. Watching him break down and cry as this is the first time he’s ever been on a plane, and ever been at the ocean. Hell, I almost broke down myself!

On that note – watching Bono talk about the great artists that were up for Album of the Year, which U2 brought home, was very nice. Especially when he named Mariah Carey, Paul McCartney, Kanye West, and didn’t’ say a thing about Gwen Stefani, just made me chuckle! If you ask me, Holla Back Girl is just like an updated Mickey!

You can take the girl out of the trailer... Oh, Britney. I know the paparazzi love you, but take the extra 15 seconds and PUT THE KID IN A CAR SEAT! Guh!

Coyote Ugly!


Phoenix Coyotes’ Assistant Coach Rick Tocchet has apparently been running a gambling ring. It looks like the Great One and his trophy wife were involved as well. OK, so Wayne is claiming he knew nothing about it, but there are wire tap recordings that show him telling his wife Janet Jones what to do to not get caught. Go George W! Anyway, it looks like JJ didn’t listen as she has ALLEGEDLY made up to $500K in wagers in the last 6 weeks, including $75K on the Super Bowl. Hell, she even bet on the coin toss. And I’m willing to bet that she bet on Flip to Mexico!

I’m starting to think that may have thought this was just a little super model thing. Did Carol Alt bet on anything, other than her career? I have a feeling Janet was having so much fun that she’s got $25K on Moana to take the Bachelor (because her name is Moana), $30K on Jennipher and Ankur to win Beauty & the Geek2 (and boy was she sweating tonight...c’mon – she spells it with a PH!), and $100K on Misty Giles to win Survivor: Exile Island (only because she vaguely remembers drinking a Misty Giles in Hawaii once). And when will the 12 NHL players come to the front? In the sprit of the issue, I say we start a pool on who these players are. I’ve got $20 on Tie Domi and $50 on Mario Lemieux. Anyone have Tocchet’s cell number? Oh, I also want to lay $100 on the goofy cowboy from Wyoming to hit the top 12 in American Idol!

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

PAFC Newsletter, 2/8/06


If THAT didn’t teach him, what will? John Wayne Bobbitt is back in the news – again being acquitted for a domestic violence battery charge. OK, so you may recall Mr. Bobbitt had his lil’ buddy cut off by his wife when she suspected his of cheating back in 1993. Now he’s involved in yet another issue with his woman. Talk about bad judgment! Dude needs to remain single!

But I think I found John’s next wife! A woman in Boston said she was tired of the way men treated her, so she mailed condoms around town that contained explosive materials! (Insert oral sex joke HERE!)

Well, it is a vegetable! Police in AZ seized 34 pounds of marijuana in old vegetable cans. The officers stopped the man at a checkpoint and opened the can because it “felt unusual.” I think we all can relate the feeling of an unusual can.

I don’t even know what that means, but I bet I’m sleeping outside.

No wonder they lost! A female judge in Seattle led the courtroom on a "Go Seahawks" cheer just before a manslaughter sentencing hearing. Yeah, just a little inappropriate. She did apologize to the victim’s family, but it’s pretty obvious she jinxed the team as they went out and got slaughtered themselves!

They start ‘em young in the Midwest. An 11-year-old boy in Nebraska was arrested for robbery. The kid used a BB gun to hold up a girl in an apartment and steal her CDs. How else can kids get their hands on music with Parental Advisory warnings? Damn you, Tipper Gore! Did I ever tell you about the time I saw a 12-year-old driving a van in Iowa? It scared the hell out of me. Then the kid looked at me and said, "What are you lookin’ at?" Oh, and he pointed at something in the sky.

It’s just a flesh wound. A 94-year-old man shot himself in the tummy while cleaning his gun. The stubborn old bastard waited until the next day to call for help. Ya know, something tells me Mr. Bobbitt was a little more prompt in looking for help.

On that note... A kid using the restroom on a bus fell out a window when the bus changed lanes. I’d really like to know how this happened, but the thought of road rash is going to bother me for days.

You mean, grown ups use the Internet too? Some really stupid teenagers posted photos on their blogs of themselves drinking alcohol. Amazingly their parents saw the pics and the school is planning to take disciplinary actions against the kids. I’ve seen enough Maury and Tyra to know that (gasp!) kids drink alcohol! That never happened in my day, did it?

Another one? A woman in Arkansas gave a chicken with mouth-to-beak resuscitation to revive the fowl. Ya know, if I saw a chicken floating in a pond dead, I’d be thinking DINNER!

Unbelievable – U-N-B-E-L-I-E-V-A-B-L-E – Unbelievable. A girl in a spelling bee contest spelled her word correctly, but the judge said she was wrong. The parents have been fighting to get this resolved, but they haven’t had any success. Mike Holmgren said, "Tell me about it!"

Mrs. McNabb says that’s just extra protein. A woman in Tennessee found a mouse in her can of Campbell’s soup. "I thought it was just a ball of hair. My daughter said, 'Mama, that's a mouse,'" Well, if it was just a hairball, no big deal.

Get it away! A promoter in LA who used to date one of the Monkey Twins and introduced Paris Hilton to her current amateur porn film director/boyfriend, has won a restraining order against her. Apparently she called him a "lazy Mexican." Ya know, because she does so much for society and world peace. I’m pretty sure she called me a good for nothing Dago. Can I get her to leave me alone now?

God bless the "make my day" law! (Thanks J-NET!)

Monday, February 06, 2006

The Big Lame!



Yeah, so the "Super Bowl" was pretty boring. I didn’t really care which team won, I just wanted a good game and some entertaining commercials. I was pretty let down on the game, and only a few commercials were worth watching.

Going into the battle as a completely indifferent fan, though I was slightly leaning toward Pittsburgh because they beat my Broncos and I would have felt better, I am absolutely convinced that there was a conspiracy for the Steelers to win the game. I know everyone wanted Jerome Bettis to win a Super Bowl before he retired. Oh, and nobody ever gives a crap about any team west of the Mississippi. So Seattle had 90% of America against them. Then the refs turned on them as well.

The Seahawks completely controlled the first 25 minutes of the game. A lame push-off call on a Seattle touchdown in the first quarter led to a field goal and a 3-0 lead. Ben Roethlisberger finally got Pittsburgh moving, and made a great play on a 37-yard pass to Hines Ward to get the Steelers down to the 3 yard line. The Bus couldn’t get in on 2 tries, so Roethlisberger kept the ball and tried to squirt in himself. He didn’t make it, but the refs said he did. Then they reviewed it, and the announcers said they couldn’t tell if he made it in. I could, and he didn’t. It was clear that the only thing that came close to the goal line was his helmet, and the ball was tucked down around his chest. Somehow, the play stood as called. I have no idea!

Seattle missed a field goal near the end of the half that would have brought them within a point, and Coach Mike Holmgren argued with the officials on his way to the locker room. As well he should have. Honestly, that is the worst call I’ve seen in football, and I can’t believe that it was upheld after a review. Absolutely sickening, but it got worse.

On the second play of the second half, Willie Parker found an opening and was gone on a 75-yard touchdown run. But the Seahawks bounced back. Matt Hasselbeck drove down the field and set up a 50-yard field goal attempt by Josh Brown, who missed again.

Pittsburgh was driving and about to put away the game. It was 3rd and 6 at the Seahawks’ 7 yard line. I turned to the guy sitting next to me and said, "Watch this – pick it off and return it all the way." Well, former Bronco Kelly Herndon did pick off the pass and had clear sailing, but somehow got stopped at the Pittsburgh 20. Hasselbeck threw a TD pass to Jerramy “Big Mouth” Stevens and the Seahawks were back in the game.

The teams exchanged punts for the remainder of the quarter. Then Hasselbeck got hot and started moving the Seahawks down the field. At the Pittsburgh 19, Hasselbeck threw a strike for a TD, but AGAIN the play was called back – this time for a bogus holding penalty on Seattle. 2 plays later, Hasselbeck threw an interception. When he went down to tackle the DB on the return, Hasselbeck was actually called for "blocking below the waist!" Um, how can he be blocking when he’s making an effin’ tackle? I mean, wasn’t the interception enough for the Steelers without the refs adding a 15-yard penalty for nothing?

Now remember, I didn’t really care who won the game, but this call got me so pissed off that I actually got up and started pacing and bitching!

Later, Antwaan Randle El would make a great pass to Hines Ward on a reverse that put the game away. Great play to watch, indeed! But I saw a blatant hold when Pittsburgh was running out the clock that was not called. Oh, well!

Who knows what would have happened in a cleanly called game, and that was what frustrated me. The east coast bias overcame the officiating and this game was handed to Pittsburgh on a silver platter. I actually lost faith in the NFL during this game and I’m really not even looking forward to next year. I mean, is this the way it’s gonna be for Indy next year?

Alright, enough whining - let’s get on to the important stuff: the commercials!

First let me say, Jessica Simpson simply needs to go away. That Pizza Hut ad was completely lame and got things started on the wrong foot. But there were still some redeeming ads to keep us entertained.

Budweiser had some doozeys! The "hidden beer in the office" ad was OK, so was the "roof grill" ad. The "bear" ad was pretty good, so were "the wave" and the "streaker" as well. I loved the "magic fridge" ad, and we all applauded and got a huge kick out of the "barn" ad with the little Clydesdale pony.

I really enjoyed the Burger King ad with the dancing girls dressed as food. I wasn’t too sure at first, but when they started piling on top of each other, it made me laugh.

The Ameriquest ads were kinda fun. You can have a lot of fun when your tag line is "don’t judge too quickly." I liked both the "hospital" ad and the "flight" ad.

The FedEx ad with the cavemen was kinda dumb, and the Diet Pepsi ads were awful. Not as bad as the Diet Pepsi Machine ads from earlier in the season, but not much better either.

The Career Builder ads were OK. I liked the one with the asses in shirts and pants. The monkeys are getting a little old.

Michelob’s "tackle" ad was pretty funny, and so was Nationwide’s "Fabio" ad. Anytime you have an ad with Fabio, you’ve got comedy whether it’s intentional or not.

The Honda ad with Yosemite Sam and the mud flap girl was OK, and the MasterCard MacGyver ad was pretty good. Sprint "locker room" ad was kinda funny too.

The ads that really did nothing for me: Toyota Camry, Sierra Mist "airport" ad, Aleve "Mr. Nimoy" (beats the erectile dysfunction ads), Gillette Fusion (how many blades can you actually have?), ESPN Mobile, Godaddy.com, Disney, United, Overstock, Ford "Kermit" ad, Dove "girls" ad, Cadillac "runway" ad, Sharpie "pirate" ad, Sprint "ringtones" ad, H3 "Lil’ Monster" ad, and that’s about all I care to mention.

Any thoughts?

Thursday, February 02, 2006

PAFC Newsletter, 2/2/06


I gotta tell ya – this being unemployed this is busy work! I know I said something about cleaning the house, or blogging, but I’ve kinda done neither. OK, so I swept out the garage today, and I’m doing a little blogging now, but I’ve got lots going on – hopefully constructive stuff! However, I’m a little disappointed that Maury isn’t about who’s the baby dad, but "Sex Criminals Exposed – Caught on Tape" is a close second. Oh, wait – I said constructive stuff! Well, there’s always tomorrow.

If you missed my last performance at Freak Train, you can check it out by clicking HERE. Very special thanks to Dejo for hosting the clips. Oh, and for filming the thing! I will certainly make it up to you, now that you’ve become the unofficial photographer/film bitch for the PAFC. Also, a thank you to the Idle Receptionist for adding a link to the PAFC. If you haven’t visited her, I demand you go – NOW! It’s OK; I’ll be here when you are done.

Ready? OK!

Whatever! Donovan McNabb is claiming that T.O. saying the Eagles would have been a better team with Brett Favre at QB instead of McNabb equates to a "black on black" crime. Yeah, it’s just like a gang shooting. The only black on black crime Donovan McNabb has been involved in is signing a contract to do those horrendous Chunky Soup commercials with his annoying mother. Honestly, these are the 3rd most annoying football commercials around. #2 would be the Coors Light "Love Train" commercials, and #1 would be the Diet Pepsi Machine commercials. I swear, if I see a Diet Pepsi Machine ad during the Super Bowl, I’m gonna, like, write a letter or something!

So, you want my "take" on T.O. visiting Denver? Well just click HERE for my article on RealGM.com. I can wait again.

La-la-la, hmm-hmm-hmm.

Done? Sweet!

Dude, Jerry Springer episode "I’m Going to Marry My Sister!" Does it get any better than daytime TV? I’m thinking, um, NOT! FYI, momma ain’t too happy, but the crowd LOVES it! Though momma can’t say too much considering she had 6 kids by the age of 19. And NO, that’s not a typo. Ah, best train wreck ever!

Making a mountain out of a pebble. The media is so desperate for a controversy around Super Bowl XL that they’ve turned a simple comment into a war of words. Seahawks tight end Jerramy Stevens simply said that they planned on ruining Pittsburgh’s Jerome Bettis’ homecoming/retirement party by winning the Super Bowl. Suddenly, Pittsburgh linebacker Joey Porter feels that was an invitation to start talking trash and being, ya know, Jerry Porter. "Outspoken" barely describes the running mouth that is Porter. In fact, his mouth is so big (how big is it?) it’s SO big it could provide section 8 housing for a family of five – including parking for the Ford minivan. Someone needs to shoot this guy in the ass. Ya know, again!

Milk: fuel for your body – literally! Traces of gasoline were found on milk cartons supplied to schools in SC. Sounds delicious! "(The odor) was so strong and so distinct - nobody wanted to drink it," Environmental Control spokesman Thom Berry said. Ya think? Fortunately, the students aren’t noticing the fertilizer in the pepper shakers yet.

Like a bull in a, um, ya know. A tourist in England tripped over his shoelaces and broke many priceless vases in a British museum. The priceless artifacts included three Qing dynasty vases, dating from the late 17th or early 18th century. Who let Gerald Ford out?

So

Distracted

By

SPRINGER!

Something about large black sistas ripping each other’s hair out and losing their tops just makes me feel, um, queasy. Now a large white man has his shirt off and is pole dancing on stage. Don’t ask.

I shouldn’t have had that burger.

Men are stupid. This guy in Australia dangled from a helicopter by a rope to make repairs on, well, it doesn’t matter. What DOES matter is the knot in the rope came loose and the guy fell 130 feet to the ground. Apparently natural selection had the day off because the guy fell into a snow bank and escaped without injury.

So THAT’S what they do in Indy when the Colts can’t make it to the Super Bowl! Some moron stole a bunch of manhole covers in Indianapolis. OK, why? What in the world would you do with huge, 200 pound steel discs? Do you really think it would impress your girlfriend? "Baby, check out your Valentine’s Day gift!" "Are those manhole covers? You are so SWEET!" (Blush, bat-bat!)

Dude, while driving? A man driving erratically was pulled over and cops found he was looking at porn while driving. This is certainly not what visor tissue holders were intended for.

Location, location, location. Where is the worst place to open a brothel? How about across the street from a police station. Sadly, it took police over a year to figure it out!

This will make my wife cry. Columbian drug lords are surgically implanting packages of heroin in puppies. This is probably the sickest thing I’ve ever heard! There couldn’t possibly be a torture tactic painful enough to punish these bastards!

You ain’t too smart, is ya? A woman tried to forge a business name on a check and cash it, but she spelled "independent" incorrectly as "indapendent." She might as well spell it "inDUHpendent!"

Stupid drunken birds! A study in Austria finds that birds flying into windows and dying are usually hopped up on fermented berries. Rumor has it that some of them are distracted by large brown hairy elephant looking things.

Mmm – lactose! A 100-pound woman won the World Grilled Cheese Eating Championship in NY this week. And men wonder why women have cramps.

What a Desperate Housewife! A woman in NH asked her hubby for some money, but he refused. So, she stormed out of their apartment. Thinking that she would calm down and return soon, the hubby went to bed without locking the door. The woman hired two men to go into the apartment, rough up her husband, and steal $2500 from him. What a sweet woman!

Need a nap? A cargo worker loading luggage onto an airplane fell asleep and eventually woke up in the cargo area on the way to Istanbul. Not Constantinople. Sometimes I fall asleep and when I wake up I’m not sure where I am at first, but DAMN!

OK, time to go watch my 143-month-old niece play some basketball. See ya!
Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!