Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Didja Miss It?


OK, for those of you who couldn't make it to Freak Train - either you had a prior engagement or you don't live anywhere near Denver - we have video!

Thanks to the lovely and talented Dejo, aka Cute Blonde Boy, here are links to my latest performance at the Bug Theater. Yes, I am in a dress lipsynching to a song by Morningwood called "The Nth Degree." My mother would be so proud!

(FYI, you need Quicktime to view.)

Lower-res

Higher-res

Overdubbed

There will be more performances coming up in the future - some stand-up and such on nights OTHER than Monday. Ya know, like Thursday or Friday. Don't worry - I'll keep you all posted.

Newsletter coming tomorrow! Because I'm, um, unemployed and it's either write or clean the house.

Monday, January 30, 2006

I've GOT to be Kidding!


Gettin’ freaky! Yep, tonight is the night – FREAK TRAIN! So, if ya wanna watch me make a complete ass out of myself in front of 200 people, head out to the Bug Theatre on 37th and Navajo at 8PM Monday night, 1/30/06!

Also, good news for those of you who can’t ever make it to my Monday performances: I will probably start doing stand-up on Friday’s! There is a place called Kazmo’s that has an open mike night late on Friday – starts around 10PM. I’m not sure when I’ll get down there yet, but I’ll let you all know! Probably on 2/10/06.

Meanwhile, back to the blogedy:

Not another! Again, a well-written and entertaining show has been yanked. No, not Emily’s Reasons Why Not, because that show sucked like a Dyson on steroids. The Book of Daniel has been "dropped" but not canceled. What’s the difference? I have no idea. All I know is I was extremely disappointed when it wasn’t on last Friday. So the whiney conservative extra-right condemned the show without actually watching it – am I supposed to care? Hey, it’s on late, and if you don’t like it, there are 500 other channels with nothing on! Here’s what else you can watch:

  • NUMB3RS – did you know that this guy could tell you the probability of where your mucus will land when you sneeze? Yeah, he’s THAT good!
  • 20/20 – because it’s always so, you know, entertaining. If you’re in your 70’s. (No offense, mom and dad!)
  • (Insert mediocre 3-year-old comedy film here) on TBS.
  • Best Week Ever on VH-1 – watch "celebrities" (aka some girl who rode a bike in a Dentyne commercial once) make quirky comments about Lidsay Lohan’s new highlights. "She looks like a zebra with a boob job." FUNNY!
  • Meet the Barkers on MTV – no, not BOB Barker. But I’m sure the tattooed love boy will have no problem showing you his skinny microphone.
  • What Not to Wear on TLC – gay men are hilarious! Especially when they tell a pretty girl how trashy she looks!
  • Will and Grace on Lifetime - gay men are hilarious! Especially when they tell a pretty girl how trashy she looks!
  • MASH on Hallmark – because we haven’t seen every single episode 14,000 times already! I swear I can recite the dialogue in my sleep. Then again, Klinger could probably spend a little time on What Not to Wear.
  • The Daily Show with John Stewart – um, never mind.
  • What’s Happening on TV Land – hey, hey, hey, that Dee KILLS me!

OK, there are your choices. You could have watched a very well written show on NBC, or you could tune into garbage. NBC: We’re the next FOX!

There will be more later. For now, I hope to see you at the Bug Theatre tonight! Or, you can check out my OTHER blogs in the nifty new space I created on the right called, um, Pat Angello’s Other Blogs/Sites.

Oh, and an extra special thanks to Derek @ Son of Cheese for THIS post! I feel almost famous!

Thanks!

Thursday, January 26, 2006

PAFC Newsletter, 1/26/06


Yeah, I’m a FREAK! I’ll admit it. And I’ll be performing yet again at Freak Train at the Bug Theatre. The show is on Monday, 1/30. Doors open at 7, show starts at 8, $5 gets you in the door, the beer is free, and I may or may not be wearing a dress. Just an FYI.

Speaking of freaks. Yep, Michael Jackson. He was spotted in a Bahrain mall wearing a veil and black robe, traditionally worn by women in the Gulf. They may be freaking out over it, but everyone here is thinking, "eh, whatever."

That’s it – I’m out! Um, no, I’m not talking about my current job, which ends officially on Tuesday. I think I’ll be putting in 20 hours in 2 days next week, if ya know what I mean. Anyway, some dude on a plane in Florida (WTF with the airline passengers in FL?) bit a passenger, then jumped out of the plane onto the tarmac. Mmm – tarmac on white with lettuce, tomato and mayonnaise! Ggguuuhhhhhlllll! The guy was then stun-gunned down, which I guess beats killing him. Apparently the guy freaked out as the plane was taxiing because he suddenly wanted off. Perhaps there was a man on the wing.

What would Lassie do? What Lassie ALWAYS does - save his master. A dog in Australia named Lassie went and got help when his owner fell off a horse. Just like on the TV show. Maybe my dog needs a new name, cuz, ya know, she’s kinda dumb.

Do you really want to live in China? Adult diaper sales are hitting record numbers in China because of overcrowded trains where people can’t even get to the bathrooms. Sounds like a fun trip! Nothing like being cooped up on a train where everyone is crapping themselves!

Um, I don’t smell anything. A Roman Catholic church rectory in Indiana needs $100,000 in renovations because of damage caused by over 13 years of accumulated animal waste. The man hired to clean and fumigate it got sick and left. Could be worse, he could be living on a train in China!

Nice skirt! A male high school student won the right to wear a dress to school. The school bans shorts during the winter, but not skirts. The boy decided to wear a dress, because jeans are for geeks, and he, uh, won I guess. Mom must be proud.

That is SO HOT! The new fashion trend among Thai teens are fake orthodontic braces! Yeah, nothing says sexy like food stuck in braces and bleeding lips. Sign me up!

Isn’t that sweet? The Scorpion Queen and Centipede King are set to wed on Valentine’s Day. This odd yet ironically perfectly matched couple travel around Thailand freaking people out by playing with their respectively named creepy crawly things. Forget rice - let’s throw maggots!

If you clicked on that last link, I apologize. Especially if you’re eating. Really. Sorry! But you had to know it was coming. I mean, come ON!

The search for Bigfoot! A team of scientists and “experts” in Malaysia will hunt for the somewhat mythical creature. Hey, I’ve seen him and I know exactly where he is. Come to Freak Train at the Bug Theatre and I bet you he’s serving beer!

Talk about shooting yourself in the foot – literally! A man who robbed a diner went back to try again when his first take wasn’t big enough. He accidentally shot himself in the foot on the second attempt. Doi!

Sure, but is it art? A man in France attacked a piece of art – a urinal that was declared a work of art by Dada pioneer Marcel Duchamp. OK, if you were going to destroy art, wouldn’t you go after something a little less, um, disgusting?

DUCK! A man in Oregon was threw both of his prosthetic legs at a state trooper when the trooper arrested the man’s son for drunk driving. I think I saw their mom on Howard Stern the other night! She had a midget throwing bologna at her ass.

Mirror, mirror, on the mountain – a little light please! A small town in Italy that is located in the belly of a valley basically sees no light from November through February. So, they finally got smart and put a mirror on top of a nearby mountain to shed some light on them. Then they tried to spread the light a little with a magnifying glass, and now half the town burnt to the ground.

A sure fire cure for hiccups! A man pointed a gun at his nephew who had the hiccups. Ya know, to try and scare the hiccups away. However, the guy accidentally shot and killed his nephew. Of course the man was so upset, he shot himself. OK, here’s a little trick for you – a way to get rid of the hiccups that simply never fails and does not involve a weapon:

  1. Fill a small (juice) glass about ¾ full of water.
  2. Put the glass up to your mouth AND KEEP IT THERE.
  3. Inhale through your nose – hold it.
  4. Take a small sip.
  5. Exhale through your nose – hold it.
  6. Take a small sip.
  7. Continue steps 3-6 without pulling the glass away from your mouth until water is gone.

You’re welcome.

Monday, January 23, 2006

PAFC Newsletter, 1/23/06


Nice pants! For some reason, Joey and Mary Jo Buttafuoco will do some kind of reunion special with Amy Fisher. In case you forgot, Amy was 16 and had an affair with the much older car mechanic and then shot his wife in the face. God bless him for starting the Zuba pants trend! For those of you who enjoy 15-year-old train wrecks, well yer in luck!

Now THAT’S how to enjoy yogurt! A yogurt company executive in Seoul has been convicted for staging an "obscene" yogurt promotion. Yeah, I was curious too! Actually, they squirted yogurt on naked women who were covered in flour, thus revealing naughty bits. If I only had a squirt bottle!

Well, that makes sense! A woman who owed tons of money for embezzlement charges was, um, stealing money to pay the others back! OK, this kinda sounds like what we’re doing with credit cards right now. FYI, if I am paying 12.99% on a card and they send me balance transfer checks with a rate of 7.99%, can I just send them one of those checks to lower my rate? You’d think so!

John Belushi lives! A man in NC broke into a woman’s house and stole her undies. He was wearing only a toga. Wait a minute – I know someone in NC! Wait, that’s not him. HERE he is!

Well, she USED to have a cane. A transsexual in Singapore was spared the cane because it is now a she. I’m a little confused as well. Anyway, he/she/it had drugs in, um, it’s possession with intent to sell and was sentenced to 6 years in jail. Now if she were a HE, then the caning would have been ON! I wonder is he/she forgets and tries to go standing up?

They don’t get much dumber! A man in Massachusetts robbed a bank using the old “bomb in a bag” trick. The guy left the bag behind, with books and a mailing address in it. Police had no trouble catching the guy. At least TAKE the bag! Seriously, if you leave it, people are going to search it. Can you really be that dumb to not make sure there’s nothing in there with your frucking address on it?

I’ve been behind scary vehicle before, but DAMN! A man hauling a horse trailer with a camel in it lost the camel on the highway. The thing jumped out while the guy was driving! Then it started singing:

what you gonna do with all that junk

all that junk inside that trunk?

I’ma get, get, get, get, u drunk,

Get you love drunk off my hump.

My hump, x6

My lovely little lumps,

Check it out

I drive these brothers crazy,

I do it on the daily,

They treat me really nicely,

They buy me all these iceies.

Dolce & Gabbana,

Fendi and NaDonna

Karan they be sharin’

All their money got me wearin fly, whether I ain’t askin,

They say they love my ass ‘n,

Seven Jeans, True Religion,

I say no, but they keep givin’

So I keep on takin’

And no I ain’t takin’

We can keep on datin’

Now keep on demonstrating.

My love, my love, my love, my love

You love my lady lumps,

My hump, my hump, my hump,

My humps they got u,

She’s got me spending.

(Oooo) Spendin’ all your money on me and spendin' time on me.

She’s got me spendin’.

(Oooo) Spendin’ all your money on me,(uh) on me, on me

What you gonna do with all that junk?

All that junk inside that trunk?

I’m a get, get, get, get, you drunk,

Get you love drunk off my hump.

What u gon’ do with all that ass?

All that ass inside them jeans?

I’m a make, make, make, make you scream

Make u scream, make you scream.

Cause of my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump.

My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely lady lumps, check it out!

I met a girl down at the disco.

She said hey, hey, hey yea let’s go

I could be your baby, you can be my honey

Lets spend time not money.

and mix your milk wit my cocoa puff,

Milky, milky cocoa,

Mix your milk with my cocoa puff, milky, milky riiiiiiight

They say I’m really sexy,

The boys they wanna sex me.

They always standing next to me,

Always dancing next to me,

Tryin’ a feel my hump, hump.

Lookin’ at my lump, lump.

U can look but you can’t touch it,

If u touch it I’m a start some drama,

You don’t want no drama,

No, no drama, no, no, no, no drama

So don’t pull on my hand boy,

You ain’t my man, boy,

I’m just tryn’a dance boy,

And move my hump.

My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,

My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump.

My lovely lady lumps (x3)

In the back and in the front.

My lovin’ got u,

She’s got me spendin’.

(Oooo) Spendin’ all your money on me and spending time on me.

She’s got me spendin’.

(Oooo) Spendin’ all your money on me,up on me, on me.

What you gon’ do with all that junk?

All that junk inside that trunk?

I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,

Get you love drunk off this hump.

What you gon’ do with all that breast?

All that breast inside that shirt?

I’ma make, make, make, make you work

Make you work, work, make you work

(Long Pause)

She's got me spending

(Oooo) spending all your money on me

and spendin' time on me

She's got me spending

(Ooo)spending all your money on me uh on me on me

THAT was basically just to be annoying.

You’re welcome!

I’d go into how completely stupid the lyrics to that song is, but you can see that for yourself and neither of us have time to discuss.

Sundae, Bloody Sundae! A woman in Delaware claims a McDonald’s sundae she bought for her son was contaminated with human blood. I am SO hungry for McDonald’s sundaes right now! I wonder what they use for sprinkles?

Nice pants. Oh, wait! A group of 8 men were arrested in NY for dropping their pants on the subway. Rumor has it they were pre-protesting the Jets pick in the upcoming NFL draft.

Speaking of protesting! Them crazy PETA people are at it again. This time they are freezing their booties off by sitting around naked in Spain. Ya know, they probably would make a nice coat!

Can’t we all just get along? A teenager in Pennsylvania was told by his teacher to sit on the floor to take a mid-term – because he was sporting a Denver Broncos jersey. Wasn’t the game itself humiliating enough?

You gonna eat that? Speaking of PA, a woman was fined $173.50 for throwing lettuce out the window of her car. Good thing she wasn’t wearing Broncos clothing!

Aaarrrrgggghhhhh! A Japanese nurse has been sentenced to 3 years in prison for, wait for it, ripping off fingernails and toenails of patients who were immobilized after strokes! Maybe she was practicing and kept messing up?

Finally, who’s guarding Kobe?

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Cool Weekend - No, Really!


OK, so the Broncos lost today, and that kinda, ya know, sucks! However, this was a pretty cool weekend for me and Katy!

First, we headed to Colorado Springs this weekend on Friday afternoon. Katy’s father was inducted into the Colorado Music Educator’s Hall of Fame. He taught music at Smoky Hill High School for over 30 years! We went to dinner with him and his wife Carol, his brother Dave and his wife Lil, Carol’s brother and his wife (like I can remember their names – don’t you people know me yet?), Katy’s sister Mary, and Katy’s brother John and our niece Alysse. We then headed to the Broadmoor for the induction and a (really long) concert by the Air Force Academy band. The next day, we had brunch with the family at the Broadmoor. It was really nice!

Secondly, before we left town, we met up with Derek and his wife Heather, as well as Collin and his girlfriend (and Derek’s sister), um, Heather for pizza! It was really cool to sit and chat with blogger buddies we have never met in person before. We got there around 1:15 and stayed until about 4 – what a great time! But, like an idiot, I didn’t bring a camera. But I bet Derek posts something with a pic of Katy and me at Fargo’s Pizza Place. Oh, and thanks for lunch!

Third, I was contacted by an Internet marketing company that searched Blogger for people who were fans of the show Grounded for Life. I really liked the show, and they asked me to post a press release as the DVD of season 1 is on its way. So, click HERE to check it out, yo!

Finally, even though the Broncos lost, I had fun watching the game with my brother this weekend. We spent most of the game making fun of Phil Simms, the color analyst for the #1 CBS team along with Jim Nantz. Honestly, Simms has to be the biggest idiot on TV! If there wasn’t a 7-second delay, we would have put the radio on and muted the TV! But, on the bright side, I saw a web site searching for a Broncos writer. If you got check out RealGM.com’s football page, you just might find an article or two by yours truly!

Hope y’all had a great weekend – a newsletter is coming soon!

Grounded for Life on DVD!

OK, so you all know that I was a HUGE fan of the sitcom Grounded for Life. So, somebody from M80IM.com saw that I mentioned the show and contacted me about posting a press release for the DVD release of Season One. Well, heck yeah!

Megyn Price is a cutie - check out her interview about the show by clicking HERE!


PRESS RELEASE

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

December 13, 2005

YOU'RE GROUNDED ON FEBUARY 7, 2006!

ANCHOR BAY ENTERTAINMENT AND

CARSEY-WERNER PRESENT

GROUNDED FOR LIFE - SEASON ONE

All 20 Uncut Episodes Available On DVD

For The First Time Ever

Troy MI – On February 7, IDT Entertainment's Anchor Bay Entertainment and Carsey-Werner will release Grounded For Life - Season One , a skewed look at the traditional family sitcom, where the parents are as clueless as the kids. This is a comedy where the parents aren't Ozzie and Harriet and the children don't behave like the Brady Bunch! All 20 episodes will be included in a four-disc DVD collection with a suggested retail price of $39.98. Pre-order date is January 10, 2006 .

From the same company that brought you such award winning hits as 3rd Rock, Roseanne, The Cosby Show and That '70s Show, Grounded For Life ran from 2001-2005 (two seasons on Fox and three more on The WB). The program has a loyal fan base of young viewers who love the hip humor and cast that includes Donal Logue (The Tao of Steve), Megyn Price (Mystery, Alaska), Kevin Corrigan (Living in Oblivion), Lynsey Bartilson, Jake Burbage, Griffin Frazen and Richard Riehle (Office Space).

Sean (Logue) and Claudia Finnerty (Price) are in their early thirties and trying to raise a family of three in pleasant suburbia, while still holding on to their own youthful and wild ways. The Finnerty clan finds little help in the struggle for the good life from Sean's curmudgeonly father, Walter, (Riehle) and lazy brother, Eddie (Corrigan), both of whom create chaos at every turn. Grounded For Life – Season One uniquely explores the complications and comedy encountered when Generation-X tries to grow-up.

Season One Bonus Features:

Meet The Finnertys: Interview with Donal Logue.

Claudia - Not the Sitcom Mom: Interview with Megyn Price.

Life with Lily : Interview with Lynsey Bartilson.

Bloopers: An outrageous collection of outtakes.

Audio Commentaries: The cast and show creators (Mike Schiff and Bill Martin) discuss the evolution of the series.

Carsey Werner ( www.carseywerner.com ) has been known globally for over twenty years as one of the leading independent television studios. With the current hit “That ‘70's Show”, classics such as “Roseanne”, “3 rd Rock From The Sun”, and “The Cosby Show,” and a library of enviable hits that include, “A Different World,” “Grace Under Fire,” “Cybil” and “Cosby,” Carsey Werner programs can be seen and heard in over 175 countries and in 50 different languages.

Anchor Bay Entertainment is a recognized name in home entertainment. The company offers an expansive selection of award-winning, notable theatrical films including “Time Bandits” and “Halloween,” classic television programming such as “Roseanne,” “3 rd Rock from the Sun,” “Three's Company,” “Highlander” and much of the Stephen J. Cannell library, traditional children's fare featuring the ever-popular Thomas & Friends collection and Mister Rogers Neighborhood, the impressive Manga anime line and chart-topping fitness titles including the "Crunch" and "For Dummies" series. Anchor Bay Entertainment is aggressively developing a wide range of original programs and concepts in addition to licensing existing brands and films.

Anchor Bay Entertainment is a subsidiary of IDT Entertainment. IDT Entertainment is a vertically integrated entertainment company that develops, produces, and distributes proprietary and licensed entertainment content.

###

Grounded For Life: Season One

Street Date: February 7, 2006

Pre-Book: January 10, 2006

Catalog #: DV13767

UPC: 0 1313 13767 – 9 1

Rating: Not Rated

Time Length: 460 Minutes

SRP : $39.98

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

PAFC Newsletter, 1/18/06


Nobody wants to see that! Aretha Franklin will be performing at the Super Bowl. OK, if there is another wardrobe malfunction, it’s safe to say it will be the LEAST TiVo’d clip ever! Guh! Actually, she’s performing the National Anthem with Aaron Neville and Dr. John. It’s kind of a New Orleans thing, which is fine. However, I’m thinking the Anthem will probably be 15 minutes long and end with Franklin poking that thing on Neville’s head hoping it’s frosting on a cupcake.

Mmm – Hi, Lunch, er, Larry. A hamster and snake are good friends and sharing living quarters at the Tokyo Zoo. Ya know, Alfred Packer used to have some good friends too.

But I’m standing right here! A man India was believed dead by his village. When he returned from prison, everyone freaked out. His family will not let him into his own house because they think he is a ghost. Maybe they are scared of him because of the REASON he went to jail. Which was, um, a minor tax infraction. No wonder Hillary scares the hell out of me!

She did it for the money. A 68-year-old woman in Tennessee married a 100-year-old pastor. That’ll last! I thought she did it for the money, but then I realized he was a pastor that has no money. Ah, century love!

If you think you can actually make money gambling on GoldenPalace.com, you are freakin’ HIGH! The online casino famous for outbidding the scum of the earth for ridiculous objects (grilled cheese anyone?) has just spent $25,000 on William Shatner’s kidney stone. I guess I’m on to plan B for my wife’s Valentine’s Day present. Damn you, GoldenPalace.com!

Well, it is Oakland after all. The city of Oakland is having issues with the amount of goose poop that is, well, piling up around town. I guess they are having trouble getting the poop removed, because it’s lazy and quits on its teammates. One pile is affectionately known as Warren Sapp, and the other as Randy Moss. Hey, they dug their own grave!

Speaking of, um, poopie! There is a new invention that eliminates the odor from hog manure. Now when my father claims it smells like roses, I might have to believe him! My sister actually went to school in Greeley Colorado, famous for its stench of cow dung. She said you get used to it and it kinda smells like pizza after a while. My wife always says, sure – like sh*t pizza!

What are we teaching our children? Some drinking buddies in Michigan won $10,000 in a beer pong competition! Mom and dad must be so proud – talk about college money going to the right place. "But mom, we got past regionals and now we’re moving on to the state championship!"

Hmm. A man in Ohio buried his car and then claimed it was stolen so he could collect the insurance money. I wonder what my Cobalt is worth?

Lovely! A man in SC faked his own death 25 years ago to get out of paying child support. Because, you know, it’s all about the money, not the kids. Hope he’s been saving his pennies for the last 25 years, because he’s about $30K behind. Maybe the fact that he has to live with himself and the humiliation of a national news story about him is enough. Nah, I think he needs to walk around in a shirt that says, "I’m the biggest ass ever!" And when people ask him why, he must go into a 20-minute explanation while a woman slaps his face and kids kick him in the shins.

Monday, January 16, 2006

PAFC Newsletter, 1/16/06


New Blogs!

OK, so Most Valuable Network has added NHL team blogs for me to update! I have already been writing for their Screwball Comedy Blog a little, but they have promised me some hockey blogs. There are a few ways to access them. 1) Go to the MVN Home Page and use the Hockey drop-down screens. 2) See the hockey links on the right of my blog and follow anything with a * in front of it. 3) Click on each team name right here for direct links: Phoenix Coyotes, St. Louis Blues, Carolina Hurricanes, Florida Panthers. I have updated Carolina and St. Louis so far, and should have something posted for Phoenix soon. Florida is off until Wednesday, but I may look for something to post before then. Bottom line is, I’ll be busy!

Yeah, somehow that took precedent over the Broncos. However, what a frucking game this Saturday! I never, ever dreamed that New England would cough up the ball 5 times in one playoff game of all things. Even our freakin’ kicker caused a fumble! Then, after the game was over, there was a report of one of the CBs for Indy getting cut by his wife in a domestic dispute. My brother looked at me and said it was fate. Pittsburgh knocked off the heavy Super Bowl favorite, and suddenly the NEW Super Bowl favorite is my Denver Broncos. I feel nauseous! I mean, I kinda feel bad for Tony Dungy after losing his son and all, but at least I don’t have the guilt of MY team knocking him out of the playoffs!

This cracks me up! Conan O’Brien has been making jokes about how he’s promoting Finland’s president in the upcoming election because he looks just like her. And he does. Somehow, other candidates are getting upset. Doesn’t anyone have a sense of humor anymore?

WTF? A high school in Ohio actually assigned students to do a report on Internet porn. OK, so maybe I’m just writing about this so I get some Internet porn hits. I said porn on the Internet. Heh!

Um, ewwww! Politicians in Arkansas enjoyed a raccoon dinner. Literally, BBQ raccoon. Ugh! Then again, it is Arkansas!

And you thought there was an age limit on jury duty! A 2-year-old in Massachusetts was called for jury duty. Apparently a Tonka truck ran over Barbie so Ken is suing.

Michael Jackson is interviewing for jobs in Dubai. What on Earth could he be qualified to do? I mean, Halloween is 9 months away! Anyway, they can have him. I’m actually surprised he’s not in Cambodia.

Well, if a wrestler can get there... Jonathan "The Impaler" Sharkey plans to announce his bid for governor Friday on the ticket of the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party. Yep, he’s a Vampire. Heh! Here are some great quotes from the future governor:

  • "I'm a Satanist who doesn't hate Jesus, I just hate God the Father."
  • "I sink my fangs into the neck of my donor ... and drink their blood."
  • If elected, he will post "everything from the Ten Commandments to the Wicca Reed"

Excellent! You can learn more about the Impaler here!

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

PAFC Newsletter, 1/11/06


Where do I start?

It’s been a while since I’ve put together a simple newsletter, and there is SO much to get to!

First: Thank you all for your support as I look for a new gig. Not something I really wanted to do, but I appreciate everyone’s feedback and ideas!

Second: I finally added a new article to my music blog. Yeah, I still have it – I’ve just been saving it for the right band. Click HERE for a review of Morningwood! Um, the band pictured on the left there.

Third: I’ve also been adding a few things to the Screwball Comedy Blog. Check it out for some rips on the Red Sox, Cincy’s early Super Bowl Shuffle, Maurice Clarett, and Marcus Vick! Leave me some comments there!

Fourth: Watching Carmelo Anthony hit the game-winner with 2.9 seconds left in the 3rd overtime while nursing sore ribs and playing with a (most-likely) broken nose for the last 2 minutes was just amazing last night!

Now that we’ve gotten THAT out of the way...

Didn’t your mother tell you not to play with that? A man had to be rescued by the fire department when he got stuck in the washing machine while playing with his kids. OK, I’ve done some dumb and embarrassing things before, but wow! Fortunately, the AP is here to tell the world how stupid you can be!

Go ahead – make my day! A man was shot and killed when he broke into a home in California. Dude was out drinking and forgot which unit was his (another reason why I don’t drink – full knowledge over my unit). So, when his key wouldn’t work in what he thought was his home, he broke in. The man that lived there thought the intruder was a bad guy and shot him. The Terminator LOVED it!

Arizona drivers! A judge in AZ ruled that pregnant women cannot use the carpool lane – fetuses are not considered a second passenger. Have you ever been in the car with a woman from AZ? Scary stuff!

STOP PLAYING THAT SONG! A woman in Australia stabbed her boyfriend because he kept playing Elvis’ "Burning Love" song to celebrate the King’s birthday. OK, maybe if it were a song by the Carpenters I’d understand.

I’m gonna Smurf this motel! A man wore blue makeup to rob a motel in Alaska. Dude didn’t quite clean it all off and was busted by the cops when they noticed the blue behind his ears. Have I seen this guy before?

Creepy! A cat in Oregon was born with one eye. Right in the middle. Just like a Cyclops! So, he is named Cy.

I love third-world country cuisine! For instance, in Jakarta, you can get rat ball soup! Please do not confuse this with Chocolate Salty Balls or Schweatty balls.

Lemme see yer condom! A town in Columbia wants to require all citizens over the age of 14 to carry condoms at all times. This would theoretically lead to fewer pregnancies and less disease. However, many 13-year-olds would end up on Maury.

PLEASE tell me you clicked on that Maury link!

Ron Jeremy in public! The Adult Video News Awards were held (heh) on 1/7/06 in Vegas. This is the only award show that features a padded red carpet. ya know, just in case...

You’d think they would know better! A firemen’s party in Tokyo ended with the building ablaze. This was apparently a fire awareness function. I think everyone is aware now.

Ted Kennedy is writing a children’s book. Yep, you read that right! There is no official title yet, but I’m guessing it will be called something like "How to Kill Your Lover By Faking a Car Accident."

Britney worst dressed? Spears topped the worst dressed of ’05 list. Just in her (slight) defense, is it really fair to rip on how a woman dresses when she was pregnant for most of the year? Really? At least she wears clothes!

Oh, Mother, where art thou? Oh yeah, in the wardrobe decomposing! A man in Rome stashed his dead, mummified mother in his wardrobe and sealed it with silicone gel – for three years! Then he took her out for tanning. I hope this doesn’t become a trend, because, ya know, when in Rome.

Dumbest vandals ever? Some men broke into and vandalized a Mexican school in Mexico City, but decided to use the copy machine to make copies of their faces. Then they left the copies at the school. Brilliant!

Finally, I need to give it up to the Idle Receptionist. She is painfully watching the Bachelor simply for your amusement, oh and because a girl who used to work the makeup counter at her local mall is a contestant. Go check out her recap from show 1!

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Emily’s Reasons Why Not – ABC Mondays


I can think of a few:

1) Poor acting

2) Bad narration

3) Uninteresting situations

4) Not funny

So ABC went and spent TONS of money to promote Emily here, and the pilot was a total yawner.

Heather Graham plays Emily, a somewhat professional woman who lists reasons why she should "not" do something. Kind of a cute idea, but the show just isn’t good. There is the typical gay friend (I know, there’s a gay son on the Book of Daniel and I love that show), the typical bitchy boss, the typical misunderstanding that leads to the typical "chaos" (Three’s Company anyone?) and the (new trend since Desperate Housewives) typical narration by a character of the show. There should be guidelines for the narrator. For instance, if there IS going to be a narrator, they must A) not be a character on the show (Arrested Development), B) be a former/future member of the show (Desperate Housewives or Wonder Years), C) Turn to the camera in the middle of a scene to narrate and nobody notices (Malcolm in the Middle).

Graham’s narration is painful to listen to, and she simply can’t act! Let’s face it – the only thing she’s good at is looking cute and walking around naked! The show thinks it’s being new, different and exciting, but they actually turned "different" into "ho-hum." The only thing this show has going for it is there’s nothing on opposite. Oh, that is unless you enjoy the never entertaining Las Vegas (seriously, the only things worth watching on this show are located in Nikki Cox’s blouse), UPN’s Girlfriends (and if you enjoy ANYTHING on UPN, we need to talk), the WB’s Related (please), CBS’ Two and a Half Men (someone needs to explain how in God’s name this show is the number one comedy in America), or God-knows-what FOX decides to air at 8PM (MTN) on Mondays. If FOX goes with 24 in this time slot, kiss Emily goodbye. Heck, kiss her goodbye anyway. Maybe we can convince her to show up in another pseudo-porn flick?

1.5 out of 5

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Hostel


What scares you? No really, is there anything out there in the world of Hollywood that would scare anyone these days? OK, other than Dick Clark interviewing Paris Hilton?

Hostel is being touted as the scariest film, um, ever. Let’s not get TOO crazy here, but I’m going to have to say the idea behind the film is extremely disturbing.

Eli Roth and Quentin Tarantino teamed up on this film about a few young men looking to party in Amsterdam. After they run into a local who claims he knows where they can find the best looking, hot-to-trot women in Europe who really go for Americans, they are off to Slovakia and an adventure they never expected.

When they arrive in Slovakia, they are far from impressed – until the cab driver gets them into town and they hit the hostel they were told about. Of course they find gorgeous women walking around naked and basically hanging all over them. After a night of getting lucky, one of the guys disappears. Then another. The last guy wonders what the heck is going on. Finally, one of the girls brings him to an “art show” where she claims the other two have gone. This show is essentially a place where the most unimaginable things happen to the tourists. People pay good money to torture and maim them to death. And the women who set the traps get paid well.

OK, so it wasn’t jump-out-of-your-seat scary, but it was God-I-hope-this-doesn’t-really-happen scary. Personally, I was more disturbed by Se7en. However, I did find my self applauding with glee at some of the gruesome things that happened. Maybe it was rolling over from getting laid off last week.

Anyway, I would say if you like slasher films, go see it!

4 out of 5!

Saturday, January 07, 2006

The Book of Daniel, Fridays on NBC


For those of you who miss Six Feet Under and/or Wonder Falls, NBC has brought you a great new quirky drama/comedy that will make you love network TV again.

Aidan Quinn stars as Reverend Daniel Webster, an Episcopalian priest who is addicted to painkillers. His odd family includes a martini-loving wife, a gay older son (a twin who lost his brother), an adopted Chinese teenager, and a talented artist of a teenage daughter. In fact, the show opens with Daniel bailing out his youngest daughter for selling pot. Why? So she could buy animation software for her computer.

The reason this show works is because it is very real. The children rip on each other with machinegun insults at the dinner table, like typical kids. The daughter is absolutely convinced that no matter what she says, nobody will ever understand her. Have you ever heard of such a thing? Anyway, Daniel’s father is overbearing as the Bishop and that is just one of his many problems in his everyday life. Adam (Ivan Shaw), his adopted son, is dating the almost 16-year-old daughter of Roger Paxton (Dylan Bake), a senior warden of the parish. Also, every time Daniel pops a pain pill, Jesus shows up to talk him out of it. Not in a threatening, shameful way. More like with a, “Dude, what are you doing,” attitude.

I’ll just say this – the show isn’t a religious show per se. This certainly isn’t Seventh Heaven! However, the Book of Daniel has good comedy paired with interesting plotlines and intriguing characters. This show is everything Six Feet Under was, and I know that’s a big statement. Seriously, look for the rerun of the pilot because I’m definitely adding this to my DVR!

5 out of 5!

Four Kings, Thursdays on NBC


OK, so I’m a fan of Seth Green. He was great on Greg the Bunny and just has a delivery of comedy that I appreciate. However, the rest of the cast is a little, um, unknown.

NBC is trying to bring back “Must See Thursday” by airing Will and Grace, Four Kings, My Name is Earl, and the Office in succession. That may be the only way this show survives, because I wasn’t exactly blown away with it.

Essentially, the show is about four childhood friends who are still very close. When one loses his grandmother but inherits her home, he asks the other guys to move in with him. Then his girlfriend tells him she thinks SHE should move in. Am I watching Three’s Company?

Your “characters” are very typical: the ladies man, the buff workout guy, the dumb stoner, the quirky guy. It’s almost like the creators wanted to hit you over the head with the character traits to take a lazy way out of developing the characters. In other words, this isn’t the next Friends.

I may give this show another shot, depending on what is running opposite (The OC for my wife, though we can record one). However, I’m not expecting it to improve much.

3 out of 5

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe


I’ll tell you right now, I have not read the books. Probably never will either. That said, this movie was not nearly as enjoyable to me as the Harry Potter (other “children’s” books that I have not read) films.

Essentially, 4 British children are sent away for safety during the war. Staying in a huge house with little supervision, they stay entertained by playing hide and go seek. The littlest one decides to hide in a wardrobe, but there is no back to it. As she sneaks back inside the wardrobe, she finds herself in a magical, mystical land called Narnia where she is greeted by goat boy, er, a faun. The girl eventually goes back to tell her brothers and sister about the Narnia, but they don’t believe her. At least until they end up there themselves. Then the real adventure begins as they are “the chosen one” to save Narnia as if all 4 were Jesus. But Jesus is actually a lion.

Anyway, the children are decent actors, and the littlest one (Georgie Henley as Lucy) carries the film. The characters are somewhat thin, other than the obvious things that are reiterated throughout the film. OK, so Edmund (Skandar Keynes) never listens and always gets in trouble – we get it already. Don’t tell me this 7 times.

Even with the incredible performance by Georgie, something tells me that the book is better than the film.

2.5 out of 5

King Kong


OK, so should you really remake a movie for the second time? And is it worth $200 (remember, million is always implied in Hollywood budgets – and the number of Pat Angello fans, though that would have to be calculated in a fraction) to make this monkey movie yet again. Especially when the director goes $30 over budget and has to throw in his own dough?

Eh, maybe.

The effects were mostly stunning. Watching Kong fight 3 Tyrannosaurus Rexes while holding and throwing the girl was pretty damn cool. The scenery was awesome. I have to say, that the end of the film with 1930’s NY viewed from the sky was excellent, and watching the monkey destroy cars and buildings was pretty cool. However, the stampede of dinosaurs with actors running with/in front of them looked kinda like it was filmed on a green screen. I know it WAS, but there were outlines around the actors and the focus was too perfect. This scene looked like something with 20-year-old technology.

Naomi Watts (Anne Barrow) was OK, but her character was pretty weak. She’s there basically to either scream or giggle. Adrien Brody (Jack Driscoll) pretty much wasted his talent to collect a check in this film. And Jack Black (Carl Denham) was the absolute WRONG choice for this film. Sorry, but Black’s whole MO is making fun of serious dialogue. When he’s delivering a line in the film, you have to chuckle.

Bottom line – it’s worth seeing in theaters. You’ll certainly enjoy the effects and scenery. However, don’t expect to be blown away by the story, cast, or script. You know what’s going to happen, you know how it’s going to happen, and you know when it’s going to happen. Many lines are true to the original, and they needed to be updated. Oh, and try as hard as you can to NOT laugh at the end. Oh, sure – the sweet monkey is dead, boo-hoo. But when Jack Black says, “It wasn’t the bullets. T’was beauty that killed the beast,” you’re going to laugh.

3.5 out of 5

Friday, January 06, 2006

PAFC Newsletter, 1/6/06


What else would I do on a day where I was told the funding for my position has run out and I’m being terminated on 1/31/06?

BLOG, Baby! And I’m doing it from work! (Like that’s never happened before!)

BTW, if anyone in the Denver metro area needs a slightly off-kilter marketing guy (or knows someone who knows someone), email me at patangello@aol.com.

WARNING! This post may be a little, um, bitter! Expect a lot of these: !!!!!

A church in Oregon is selling toilet paper to raise money to send members (I said members) on a mission to Costa Rica. Maybe I could sell toilet paper on the corner! Personally, I would have the church do a bikini car wash – with nuns!

An artist in California went out to the desert, bound his feet together with chains for a picture he wanted to draw, and then realized he lost the key to the restraints. The guy had to hop for 12 hours through the desert until he found a gas station and called for help. Heh! Why not just draw your feet, erase an area around the shins, and THEN draw the chain? How many doobies did this guy smoke to get this stupid?

Sign number 143,588 that cats are the Devil’s creatures: A cat in NJ traveled under an SUV for 70 miles and lived to meow about it. Another driver saw the cat under the car and told the oblivious driver to pull over. Then he kicked the cat, shot it twice, and threw it off a cliff. "5 down, 4 to go!"

I’m proud of our Olympians! Especially Bode Miller, who talks about skiing drunk. He claims it’s not easy and doesn’t recommend it. Can you get ticketed for SUI? When he dies from hitting a tree, there will be no need for a toxicology report.

Tragedies happen in 3’s during the holidays. 3 sisters gave birth on 3 straight days in Missouri. What are the odds? Probably as astronomical as me having a new job in 3 weeks!

Thank you, I’ll be here all month.

Literally.

Barely.

Annoyingly.

Personalized plate is downfall of dumb criminal. OK, so we have a personalized license plate that says AVSFANS. It’s actually gotten us OUT of tickets before in this state. But if yer dumb enough to have a plate that say FINDME and then you go try to rob a bank, well don’t be surprised when cops, um, find you.

"Can you tell us anything about the car?"

"Yeah, it had personalized plates that read FINDME."

"Easiest job ever!"

A man in Colorado (YAY!) found a condom in a filbert nut. Some brilliant kid drilled a hole in the nut, emptied it out, stuffed a bright colored condom inside, and then put some wood filler over the hole. The nut was then thrown in with a bunch in a local Wal-Mart. Effin’ brilliant! At least the people who got the nut laughed instead of suing Wal-Mart!

How dumb are Americans? (That's somewhat rhetorical.) Click HERE to find out!

Hmm – let’s see. Pay a $300 fine for disturbing the peace, or REALLY get your money’s worth out of the charge by lighting yourself on fire in the courtroom. Oh, what the heck – you only live once!

Remind me never to go swimming in Spain. A Spanish long distance swimmer fought off a jelly fish and puked a little while crossing from the Spanish mainland to the island of Ibiza. Is this really what the world is coming to – making sure everyone knows you’re a complete moron in order to get your 15 minutes of fame?

Happy freakin’ Friday everyone!

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

PAFC ’05 in Review


So, bloggers around the globe are putting their best of ‘05’s together. Seemed like the thing to do…

January: I started off 2005 with my typical Top 11 of ’04 list. Yeah, I’m big on the Top 11 lists – something that has come from back in my Spooboy days. Then, out of the blue, Bill Cross threw together a Top 12 Ways Pat Angello is SO Water list. Because, ya know, I’m hot AND cool at the same time. So, um, I’m water. Of course this list made its way onto t-shirts at my CafĂ© Press store because it was simply brilliant. I then ripped the Broncos after another humiliating loss in the playoffs to Indy. I actually made some good points (refine the DL), but also called for Shanahan’s head. Oops! I also learned to NEVER go to a PG-13 movie on opening night in the ‘burbs. Stoopid kids! January also brought the first EVER PAFC Contest! After an odd post where I used the sentence: "I said _____" at the end of each paragraph, I asked people to take those "said" words and turn them into a sentence. I got some great entries and posted them all, with the winners on top. I was also very proud of my Top 11 CSI shows in the works and their respective theme songs by the Who list, which generated absolutely no comments. Meah!

February: Yeah, another Top 11 list reared its ugly head. This one was the Top 11 Rejected Names for Michelle Fox Lucas’ Baby Boy. She never returned from maternity leave and disappeared into God-knows-where Colorado. Should I feel responsible? I also felt like I needed to share with you one of the most disgusting bodily functions in my lifetime, but scared you more when I told you Lindsay Lohan had a Barbie Doll created in her image and Debbie Gibson was posing for Playboy. Even worse, I made enemies at work when I bitched about how there was a silent auction for "art" by kids from the age of 6-WEEKS-old and up. But I made up for it with my kick-ass e-pression of Jerry Seinfeld at the age of 5.

March: I started a column with a joke that made absolutely NO sense but made me laugh. It was the equivalent of:

Two penguins are sitting in a bathtub. One says to the other, "Pass the soap." The other says, "What do I look like – a radio?"

I used March Madness as an excuse to help you "Beat the Brackets." I didn’t do well. I then pulled out a classic Top 11 List on a post about great cover songs. Also, since I despise the award shows, I gave y’all the first EVER PAFC Awards! Unfortunately, in the ides of March we lost a great friend. We will always miss you, Smitty! Because I wasn’t really in the mood to write something funny for a while, I ran an old article about how the band Loverboy had influenced my life. Yeah, I know - creepy! By the end of March, I felt it was time for another PAFC contest! This one was a Top 11 List contest, and I got it started with the Top 11 Rejected Jolly Rancher Flavors.

April: In my birth month, I announced the winner of the Top 11 List contest and posted all entries. The winner had to be edited, but you can find it if you looked hard enough. Because reality TV scares the hell out of me, and it SHOULD scare you too, I gave everyone a preview of just what was in store for the summer. Just as scary, I actually reviewed Pamela Anderson’s show Stacked – and I didn’t even hate it! Finally, I had to reprint the story about the guy who resuscitated a chicken.

May: Ah, what a perfect month to make fun of a comedienne trying to play a retarded girl! I was also glowing from my first performance at the Bug Theatre for Freak Train. Because I’m a freak, I introduced you to the Residents. Ironically, today I saw a post with an old Residents DVD cover! I opened a second PAFC store, and even created one for my brother called the Tony Angello Appreciation Society. Also, the TO saga just began and I had to start my bitchin’. I went to the doctor for the first time in a LONG time, which was a bit odd. I also proudly promoted a book that my buddy Sam was published in.

June: What was wrong with me? I actually ENJOYED a reality TV show called Beauty and the Geek. I then tried to introduce you to goofy music like Richard Cheese and Lounge Against the Machine, and incredibly different music like Colorado’s own Matson Jones. Because I’m easily entertained, I linked to some ridiculously funny little cartoons about the Teen Girl Squad. We finally sold our house and forced friends to help us move. Not sure if any of us enjoyed that really. The fiction blog was created, but never really got anywhere other than a story called Emily and a weird short story I posted to it.

July: This month is really about one thing and one thing only to my wife – Glendale fireworks! I heard that my niece chipped a tooth at camp, so I wrote her a story about my 5th grade bike accident. I reviewed War of the Worlds and posted my first picture EVER on the blog. The picture eventually generated about 100 hits per day on its own. Don’t even ask me why! I realized my posts were getting a little L O N G even though I did some good ranting. I finally decided to shorten them up a little. Then, it happened. Hockey returned! Life was, ya know, better! I even used that post to whine about the shows FOX had cancelled in the past, not knowing what was coming later. Because I love new and different music so much, I created my own music only blog. I know this sounds a little, ya know, gay, but I found a great barber – then he disappeared and broke my heart. But not like that. The month ended with a collision of hippies.

August: I can’t believe Raphael Palmiero lied about steroids! A fellow blogger gave me an idea. She thought my articles were interesting and that I should link to the stories I report on. So I did. As happy as I was about the return of hockey, the return of Todd Bertuzzi kinda pissed me off! And I can’t tell you how proud I was to be a Denverite when some dumbass tried to kill singer Marc Cohn. Guh! I pretty much did a train wreck post on Courtney Love and TO – gotta cover all bases. However, I felt TO later needed his own column. I also saw the funniest damn documentary ever – twice! I got really excited when Greg the Bunny returned, because it, ya know, rocks! This month also meant another Freak Train performance, that freakin’ rocked, and the Lost 80’s Tour! Then, I started another contest – the PAFC Football Pick ‘Em Contest recently won by DeJo.

September: This month will always mean 9/11 to me; also my mom and sister’s birthdays fall in September. Oh, and it means horrible pop singers performing a tribute to the victims of 9/11. As much fun as I was having with the weekly PAFC Football Pick ‘Em, I was frightened by the Fan Girls on the website we had to login to. But I did win a contest on the Fan radio station to go see Foreigner! The biggest highlight of September had to be our trip to NC to visit Bill, Beth and Logan. I also felt it was necessary to tell you what to watch on TV during the week: Monday & Tuesday, then Wednesday & Thursday, and finally the weekend.

October: This month means HOCKEY! I started another contest, the PAFC Fantasy Hockey contest on NHL.com. The first weekend was a little eventful, concluding with me on the floor for SOAD. Not recommended for those over, well, 22 years of age. The NEXT weekend was cool as KT and I got to go on the Mix Morning Show’s Live Audience Friday. Dom and Jane are a hoot. Heh! Even the announcement that Tom and Katie were preggo didn’t spoil the fun. If you click HERE, you will see arguably the funniest picture I have posted on this blog to date. Then, since it had been SO long, I thought it was time for another PAFC contest! This one was based on movie quotes and was won by Derek. He loved the t-shirt! The winning answers were posted here. I got to meet my hero, Bill Simmons, which was pretty cool. My dad then dressed up a little for his birthday, and I gave you some ideas on what NOT to be for Halloween. For some reason, I just kept posting sports articles. Musta been the excitement of hockey coming back. Just to satisfy the other cravings, I posted an article about one of my favorite 80’s metal bands – the Scorpions. Then, to scare the hell out of all of you, I posted pictures of me from a Halloween party. Eek!

November: I had finally returned to form – in NHL 2K6 that is. Just ask Bill. I also felt like I needed people to find me when searching for the Portia De Rossi Fan Club, so I posted an article called Primetime Hotties. Not to be overshadowed, my wife chimed in with Primetime Hunks. Then, out of the blue, the hippies found me! Because Bill and I were a little bored one afternoon, we collaborated on the Top 11 Satisfying Plot Twist Suggestions for Lost Writers. Enjoy! I then HAD to do a post about the pig Gary Glitter, as well as ripping New Jersey. It was almost too easy! And as excited as I was about hockey being back, I was a little disappointed in the presentation at the Pepsi Center. Was I getting my money’s worth? I even found time to make suggestions to replace that same old song by Glitter that is played after every score.

December: After seeing many people partaking in Half Nekkid Thursday, I tried to create Mammary Monday. However, I think mentioning men’s nipples in the guidelines scared people away. Because I’m an AVSFAN (seriously, you should see our license plates), I decided to start an Avs blog. Yep, I update it after every game. Also, I was approaching my 1-year BLOGGIVERSARY! That meant another contest! This one was a tie (Collin & Heather, and Bill). Winning answers were posted here. I had to post yet one more Top 11 List when I saw the product called the Swash. But that wasn’t the last, because some crazy lady said David Letterman was trying to brainwash her through her TV. So, I went and posted ANOTHER Top 11 List – even emailed it to him. While out shopping with my wife, I came across this car and had to pull out my camera phone. My Christmas was just perfect, and I shared it all in a brief post about how great everyone in my family, including my lovely wife, really is. Finally, what goes around comes around as I ended the year with my Top 11 of ’05 list.

Hope you enjoyed this!

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!