Thursday, June 15, 2006

We Have A Winna!

OK, I know you are DYING to find out who won the lastest PAFC Contest - the Top 11 List contest for a sweet grand prize of an autographed Vance Johnson picture, a new PAFC CD called In Yo Face, and (the best part) an autographed PAFC puppet flier! So, the winner is...



Hey, when you care enough about the autographed Vance Johnson, er, Pat Angello picture to enter 3 times, you know you deserve it. Besides, the winning list literally had me busting out laughing, which is pretty rare - I'm more of a chuckler if ya know what I mean.

In a moment, there will be all of the lists for you to read, but I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "How can I still get one of those cool CDs?" Well, I'm glad you asked! All you need to do is buy ANYTHING from one of the PAFC stores ( OR before the end of June and I will send you a copy - AND an autographed puppet flier for my upcoming (end of July) puppet performance!

Enough, now on to the lists!


Top 11 Horrible Things to Say to a Child:
11. Strangers are just friends you haven't met yet. Go say "hi" to that guy in the long coat.
10. I called the gypsies while you were at school. Pack your shit. They'll be here in 15 minutes and they aren't keen on waiting.
09. Disneyland's for pussies; you're going to a gator farm this Summer!
08. Tell your dad I found his bra. Somehow it wound up under my car seat.
07. There are starving kids in Africa and if you don't finish your dinner I'll send them each a picture of you with a note that says "This is the kid that's wasting your food". The ones that live will come looking for you.
06. Straighten up or it's "back in the box"!
05. Your parents aren't mad at you. They just really regret having you.
04. The reason you haven't seen your dad around lately is because your mom killed him and hid his body under the floorboards in your room. Haven't you noticed the smell yet? Don't say anything though or you'll join him.
03. That hot dog you're eating is made of lips and assholes.
02. If you don't stop playing with yourself it will fall right off and we'll just laugh. Don't believe me? Ask your sister. She used to be your brother.
01. That's not a whistle. It's your mom's tampon applicator.

The rest...

Top 11 Edmonton Oilers Alternate Goalies, maybe?
11. Tommy Salo
10. Emilio Estevez
9. Georges Laraque
8. Chef Boyardee
7. Manon Rhéaume
6. Pepe Le Pew
5. Larry Canada
4. Eric Cartman
3. Sandy Duncan
2. Israel Kamakawiwo'ole
1. Jeff Deslauriers

Top 11 Things That Can (Barely) Fit in Barry Bonds’ Helmet!
1. extra large syringes and "juice"
2. confiscated sharpie pens for "not" signing things
3. his ego
4. snack bag of funions.
5. doo rag.
6. travel size mirror
7. mini score card to see which baseball legend he is wrongly in the running with.
8. 4 contracts for crappy book deals.
9. money to pay the fans to love him
10. his dealers number
11. urine vile of his moms pee...sooo just incase they test will only show that he
smokes the weed....

Top 11 things worse for kids than video games.
11. Drugs, and lots of them.
10. Booze. Yes, it's a "drug" too, but for some reason it's considered different. Gentler.
09. Cigarettes are too.
08. Hookers with raging cases of the S-T-D.
07. Pimps with straight razors that get mad when you talk smack about their hookers.
06. Napalm.
05. Running blindfolded across I-25.
04. Playing "Drink what's under the sink!"
03. A creepy uncle that never married and always keep candy in his deep, deep pockets.
02. McDonald's.
01. Parents who are willing to blame their kid's bad behavior on anything other than the kid or their bad parenting.

11 steps to becoming a zombie:
11. Some scruffy dude just bit you! He just came up from behind and bit your arm! For no reason!
10. That bite is starting to itch.
09. Man, you're getting thirsty.
08. The itching has gotten so bad that you've started to peal the skin around the bite from your arm and you can't stop shaking.
07. You feel like you're freezing and burning at the same time. You are so dizzy you have trouble walking.
06. You really need to rest for a minute. Just rest your eyes. So tired.
05. That helped. The itching is gone, but now you feel very stiff.
04. And hungry. But not for Burger King. You can't quite put your finger on it. Perhaps Bob over there has an idea.
02. Bob was a pretty big guy, but you're still hungry. You throw your head back to shout out your frustration.
01. "BRrrraaAAAaaiiinnssss!"
Congratulations! You're a zombie!

top eleven things which could outrun Shaquille O' Neal at this stage in his career...
11. A Slightly Preoccupied 3-Toed Sloth
10. Bruce Vilanche
8. Big Pun
7. Escargot
6. Stephen Hawking
5. The Snapple Lady
4. William Howard Taft
3. Haystacks Calhoun
2. a 400 baud modem
1. Whomever Richard Simmons is holding the hand of and crying over this week

Top 11 Reasons The Carolina Hurricanes Don't Deserve To Win The Stanley Cup:
11 - Any team named after a natural disaster doesn't deserve to be rewarded.....(oh, wait a minute....)
10 - They'll just fill it with grits for breakfast, and it deserves much better. Like something drenched in maple syrup.
9 - "Whatever It Takes" is their slogan. How noble.
8 - Hockey in the south? It's just unnatural. It'd be like a U.S. team winning the FIFA World Cup.
7 - Embedding a coin in the ice? Seriously? Don't they know that coins and ice are a career-ending combination and every hockey player's worst nightmare.
6 - Too much heat and humidity will damage the metal. Better to keep it in a relatively cool, dry environment.
5 - If too many American teams win the Stanley Cup, the NHL will succumb to corporate-America mentality and rename it the Dodge Super World Cup of Hockey.
4 - Whatever It Takes? It takes being a Canadian team, that's what it takes.
3 - Because a big-ass cup full o' beer sounds great. A big-ass cup full o' mint julep, not-so-much
2 - Brind'Amour?? What the...? Sorry, no names interrupted by apostrophes allowed on the Cup
1 - 300+ people arrested on Whyte Ave have given up bail money for this. North Carolina gave up......what, an evening of NASCAR?

Hey, now that was fun! Let's do it again some time! Thank you all for entering - yer all winners in my book, but only one person really won ya see...

Oh, and another way to win the CD! I will raffle it off at Freak Train on June 26th! If you show up, you'll get to see my impression of Jerry Seinfeld at the age of 5, and you just might win the CD!


Derek Knight said...

oh MAN those were funny. Of course, by that, I mean that Collin and Heather's were funny.

Damn, mine sucked.

Pat Angello said...

Any time Bruce Vilanche is mentioned, it's funny - don't get down on yourself D!

But "YOU F**KING ATE BOB!!!" is F**KING BRILLIANT! And so is..."The ones that live will come looking for you."

Collin is, well, brilliant!

Collin said...

Wow! Thanks! Both for picking one of our lists and the compliments on my juicy, juicy head meats. I guess a lot can be said for "enter often". Do you need my mailing address again?

Heather said...

I leave all the comedy gold to Collin. It's easier to win prizes that way!!

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!