Monday, May 01, 2006

A HA!!!

And you thought I’d just let this blog die now that I have a real job. Well, not yet at least.

Dear ESPN,

I don’t give a crap about Kobe Bryant hitting a last-second jumper to put his team up 3-1 over the Phoenix Suns – please stop showing the replay and giving this selfish baby more face time on TV. Isn’t the game-winning goal in OT by the underdog Avalanche (a #7 seed) that eliminated the Dallas Stars (a #2 seed) much more exciting? After all, it won an improbable SERIES, not just a game. Who does Andrew Brunette need to rape to get some TV time?

Not so sincerely,

Pat Angello

That’s not a mushroom! A man found a small piece of flesh on his burger at T.G.I.Finger’s, er, Friday’s after a cook cut his finger and left the flesh on the sandwich. The customer raved, "That was the best burger I ever had – until. I want my mommy!"

I’m not dead yet! A vet in PA gave a dog a sedative instead of euthanizing the creature. He then passed the dog on to a different owner for 9 months until the dog finally died of a seizure. The vet told the owners the dog was suffering, but other employees told the owners that they were heartless and the dog shouldn’t be put down. Now go kiss yer puppy on the face.

Old perv! 62-year-old Claudia Lee received a cable bill for over $1000 littered with charged for porn and gansta rap. When asked about it, the woman said, "Yo, I ain’t NEVA seen nunadat, a’ight? Jus lookit me and aks yerself, 'Is dis a ho who’d be inna dat?' Damn!"

Dumbest idea for a movie promotion EVER! Mission Impossible III promoters thought it would be a good idea to use fake bombs to promote the flick. BRILLIANT!

The confusion: the Los Angeles Times rack was fitted with a digital musical device designed to play the "Mission: Impossible" theme song when the door was opened. But in some cases, the red plastic boxes with protruding wires were jarred loose and dropped onto the stack of newspapers inside, alarming customers.

You mean people freaked out when they saw a bomb, in these days after 911? I, I am SHOCKED!

Freakin’ PETA! An Italian restaurant was fined for displaying live lobsters on ice. Because they were on ice, not in water. Mmm – lobster! Freaking Romans also banned goldfish bowls and threatened to fine dog owners if they didn’t walk their dog at least 3 times a day. And you thought the US government was controlling.

OK, the grass at our apartment is about mid-shin high. Is this immigration walkout over yet?

What’s in the bag? A family in Canada is offering $10K for the return of their mother’s head. Last July, someone broke into a funeral parlor and stole the head off the body of Cecile Lemay. She wasn’t dead yet, just hanging out at the funeral parlor. OK, I’m just kidding – she was awaiting burial, but the thieves just took her head and no earrings, cash, or anything else. See what happens when there is no hockey? Canadians lose their heads! Thank God hockey is back so those unruly Canucks can’t do anything stupid. Oh, wait, I forgot – the Canucks didn’t even make the playoffs and Marc Crawford got fired for it. Maybe the Red Wings and the Stars can go golfing together! Hockey is the BEST!


DEJO said...


The #8 seed beats the #1 seed. And the President's Trophy winner. Talk about improbable!

So, if Calgary can eliminate Anaheim, it'll be The Battle of Alberta for Round 2...

Collin said...

T.G.I.Friday's latest taste sensation: Soylent Burger. I guess as Derek's fond of saying, "Meat is meat." Although they may want to consider including the wait staff in the preparation or, before they know it, they'll run out of cooks. (Too little cooks be spoilin' the soylent. )

As for the head... So, the melon snatchers left money behind AND took the time to remove the earrings as well?. Wow. Have you seen the movie Amelie? If so, do you remember when she took her father's lawn gnome and had her stewardess friend take it all around the world and photograph it in front of famous landmarks and then mail the photos to Amelie's father? That's what I thought of when I read the quote: "Where is the head? Will it show up on our lawn one morning?"

Also, it's nice to see the U.S. dollar is still a bit ahead of the Canadian dollar.

Derek Knight said...

meat IS meat.

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!