OK, so I was all excited to perform on Saturday. I got a call Friday night from the guy who was putting on a Gong Show, aka, You SUCK – Get Off The Stage! Anyway, I looked at it as a chance to have some friends come out and see me on a (gasp!) weekend! You see, normally, I only perform on the last Monday of the month at the Bug Theatre. And I will do that again tomorrow, but it’s not exactly the most convenient night for most people to go out. So, here I was, on stage on a weekend, with TV and radio promotions behind the event. I was stoked!
Well, the morons behind this production were too dumb to realize that the show was supposed to start at 8, and doors would open at 7. Instead, they tried to push everything up an hour and held a walk through at 7 with the performers. This kind of upset the crowd as they were waiting forever for the show to start and they were, ya know, drinking. After the thing finally started, they wanted blood.
The first performer was set up to piss people off, get booed, and be a sacrificial lamb. So he went out and started cursing at everyone, telling offensive jokes, and he got what the host wanted: gonged and gone. But the crowd was a little boo-happy and grumpy. The second act, a tranny singing the Violent Femmes, somehow got through her/his/its act. Then I came out and did the puppet thing to Frank Zappa (see 10/10/05 performance HERE). As soon as the puppets came out, the crowd started laughing. Then I heard some rustling and grumbling. The next thing I know, I’m gonged and toast. No big deal, but I’m thinking the crowd didn’t really have much to do with me getting gonged – more like the judges were just being pricks. For some reason, I knew my wife in the crowd was really pissed off.
The next act, gonged. Next one, gonged. Next, gonged. Next, gonged. Seriously, NOBODY was getting through even 1 minute of their performance! I was being held prisoner in the green room and bitching with some of the other performers. "Do the people in the crowd not realize that they paid money to be entertained and kicking people off the stage inside of a minute will lead to a quick waste of dough?" There were two young guys that hit the stage about 2 acts after I did, and they were really good! One played guitar and the other played mandolin and harmonica. The poor kids never had a chance! They looked absolutely shell-shocked in the green room after they were embarrassed for no good reason. Another performer was literally almost in tears as she was booted rather quickly. One older comedian told 2 jokes before he was gonged, and his 83-year-old mother was in the crowd watching him perform for the first time ever!
My point? Here I was, taking a Saturday night to try to get some exposure, inviting friends from all around Colorado, not getting paid, being forced to stay backstage and miss the rest of the performers (like anyone actually GOT to perform), and being made a complete ass of simply so 2 punk-ass bastards who think they are "great comedians" could rule the stage. The only positive thing I personally can say is that I was a last-minute alternate so I didn’t get a chance to call TOO many people. Oh, and I didn’t actually have to audition! Can you believe that these two SOB’s actually had the nerve to make people AUDITION simply so they could destroy their self esteem? The more I think about this, the more pissed off I get! I did have a few people there who had never seen me perform before, and I felt like a complete moron for inviting them.
So, to my friends and fans who actually showed up, I’m sorry. I know it’s not my fault because I had no idea this was coming, but I still feel responsible for ruining your Saturday night for the biggest waste of time in the history of mankind. And, to the 2 guys who created this "competition" simply so they could embarrass performers and make them feel 2 inches tall, well, fuck you! Yep, that’s the first time I’ve used that word on this site, but that’s the only way I can put it. Fuck you both!
Hey, happy Monday!