Tuesday, February 21, 2006

TP or not TP...


How can we be out of toilet paper? Some dude in Florida actually beat his roommate to death with a sledgehammer and claw hammer because, um, they were out of toilet paper. The guys fought over the weekend about the lack of toilet paper, and one dude pulled out a gun. That’s when the other dude started to hammer away. The man was beaten so badly that he had to be identified through his finger prints. Over toilet paper. Let’s try this exchange:

"Hey, we’re out of toilet paper."

"Dang. Well, I guess we can use tissue for now and then we can, ya know, go get more toilet paper at the store."

"Don’t make me pull out my gun!"

Maybe try the BBB? A man in Germany was so fed up with his purchase of, what he calls bad Mary Jane, that he finally went to the police. Um, yeah. The cops confiscated 200 grams of pot and threw the idiot in jail. There are some things you just need to handle yourself!

OK, I think I’m officially embarrassed by the Americans in the Olympics. Do you think people are laughing at us? Seriously? First, Bryant Gumble says that these are not the world’s best athletes because there aren’t any black competitors. Well, that doesn’t really make any sense. It’s not like black people are banned from the winter games, they just don’t participate in many winter sports such as skiing and skating. And I never understood why basketball is a summer sport?

So, the Americans are blowing all of the skiing events they were favored to win. Some dumb girl decided to do a little showboating on the way to her gold medal run, but she wiped out and had to settle for silver. Bode Miller hasn’t won dinky-doo. The American hockey team is just plain weak, especially when you consider that they have only won a single game so far and that was against Kazakhstan – a team that features only 2 NHLers! They tied Latvia, another team that only has 2 NHLers, and they have somehow backed their way into the second round with a 1-2-1 record. That goofy kid Derek made a great point about how the NHL players are ruining Olympic hockey. Click HERE to read it.

When the Americans DO win a medal, it’s by some embarrassing punk like Shaun White or Hannah Teter. Did you see her interview after she won? She literally sounded retarded. How these kids passed the drug test to actually compete is beyond me.

Somehow we are in third for overall medals, but I have no idea how. I’m just kind of sour on the whole thing! I love watching the hockey, but mostly to watch upsets like Switzerland and Finland shutting out Canada, or Slovakia beating USA. How can you root for team Canada when Todd Bertuzzi is on it? How can you root for team USA when Chris Chellios is on it? How can you NOT root for Switzerland when they have only 2 NHLers in netminders David Aebischer and Martin Gerber? How can you NOT root for Slovakia when Peter Budaj is in net?

There are no good stories coming out of Turin this year. Michelle Kwan never should have gotten on a plane, and then she whined about forgetting her iPod. Apparently all the USA can do is luge, speedskate, and snowboard. Someone pass the bong.

6 comments:

Derek Knight said...

The USA apparently can curl and ice dance now, as well.

I'm stoked.

Collin said...

Perhaps they were also out of tissue paper and only had sand paper. That could lead to a beating.

Heather said...

I finally watched the Olympics last night - skiing and speed skating...it was kinda boring. I remember when it was fun to watch and root for my country!!

Yeah, both of those goldmedalists look high as hell!

Bill Purdy said...

Whenever I see that picture of the TP girl, I think of Big Laura. It's not her, but it could be. It really could.

Oh, and curling rocks (heh)!

Pat Angello said...

D: USA sucks at hockey, and so does BP.

C: Have you ever pooed at a gas station?

H: Agreed - the USA is bleh. Only hockey is worth watching, and the US and Canada are toast. Amazing!

BP: It IS Big Laura! I snuck the pic when you weren't looking.

Collin said...

No. I avoid pooing at gas stations.

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!