Wednesday, February 08, 2006

PAFC Newsletter, 2/8/06

If THAT didn’t teach him, what will? John Wayne Bobbitt is back in the news – again being acquitted for a domestic violence battery charge. OK, so you may recall Mr. Bobbitt had his lil’ buddy cut off by his wife when she suspected his of cheating back in 1993. Now he’s involved in yet another issue with his woman. Talk about bad judgment! Dude needs to remain single!

But I think I found John’s next wife! A woman in Boston said she was tired of the way men treated her, so she mailed condoms around town that contained explosive materials! (Insert oral sex joke HERE!)

Well, it is a vegetable! Police in AZ seized 34 pounds of marijuana in old vegetable cans. The officers stopped the man at a checkpoint and opened the can because it “felt unusual.” I think we all can relate the feeling of an unusual can.

I don’t even know what that means, but I bet I’m sleeping outside.

No wonder they lost! A female judge in Seattle led the courtroom on a "Go Seahawks" cheer just before a manslaughter sentencing hearing. Yeah, just a little inappropriate. She did apologize to the victim’s family, but it’s pretty obvious she jinxed the team as they went out and got slaughtered themselves!

They start ‘em young in the Midwest. An 11-year-old boy in Nebraska was arrested for robbery. The kid used a BB gun to hold up a girl in an apartment and steal her CDs. How else can kids get their hands on music with Parental Advisory warnings? Damn you, Tipper Gore! Did I ever tell you about the time I saw a 12-year-old driving a van in Iowa? It scared the hell out of me. Then the kid looked at me and said, "What are you lookin’ at?" Oh, and he pointed at something in the sky.

It’s just a flesh wound. A 94-year-old man shot himself in the tummy while cleaning his gun. The stubborn old bastard waited until the next day to call for help. Ya know, something tells me Mr. Bobbitt was a little more prompt in looking for help.

On that note... A kid using the restroom on a bus fell out a window when the bus changed lanes. I’d really like to know how this happened, but the thought of road rash is going to bother me for days.

You mean, grown ups use the Internet too? Some really stupid teenagers posted photos on their blogs of themselves drinking alcohol. Amazingly their parents saw the pics and the school is planning to take disciplinary actions against the kids. I’ve seen enough Maury and Tyra to know that (gasp!) kids drink alcohol! That never happened in my day, did it?

Another one? A woman in Arkansas gave a chicken with mouth-to-beak resuscitation to revive the fowl. Ya know, if I saw a chicken floating in a pond dead, I’d be thinking DINNER!

Unbelievable – U-N-B-E-L-I-E-V-A-B-L-E – Unbelievable. A girl in a spelling bee contest spelled her word correctly, but the judge said she was wrong. The parents have been fighting to get this resolved, but they haven’t had any success. Mike Holmgren said, "Tell me about it!"

Mrs. McNabb says that’s just extra protein. A woman in Tennessee found a mouse in her can of Campbell’s soup. "I thought it was just a ball of hair. My daughter said, 'Mama, that's a mouse,'" Well, if it was just a hairball, no big deal.

Get it away! A promoter in LA who used to date one of the Monkey Twins and introduced Paris Hilton to her current amateur porn film director/boyfriend, has won a restraining order against her. Apparently she called him a "lazy Mexican." Ya know, because she does so much for society and world peace. I’m pretty sure she called me a good for nothing Dago. Can I get her to leave me alone now?

God bless the "make my day" law! (Thanks J-NET!)

1 comment:

Bill Purdy said...

A picture of a chicken with a beer can in its tush (I know everyone says it's a great way to make a chicken, but it seems too perverse for me), and a link to my favorite video racing game ever, Road Rash! What a great way to start the morning! Hoooray!

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!