Thursday, February 02, 2006

PAFC Newsletter, 2/2/06


I gotta tell ya – this being unemployed this is busy work! I know I said something about cleaning the house, or blogging, but I’ve kinda done neither. OK, so I swept out the garage today, and I’m doing a little blogging now, but I’ve got lots going on – hopefully constructive stuff! However, I’m a little disappointed that Maury isn’t about who’s the baby dad, but "Sex Criminals Exposed – Caught on Tape" is a close second. Oh, wait – I said constructive stuff! Well, there’s always tomorrow.

If you missed my last performance at Freak Train, you can check it out by clicking HERE. Very special thanks to Dejo for hosting the clips. Oh, and for filming the thing! I will certainly make it up to you, now that you’ve become the unofficial photographer/film bitch for the PAFC. Also, a thank you to the Idle Receptionist for adding a link to the PAFC. If you haven’t visited her, I demand you go – NOW! It’s OK; I’ll be here when you are done.

Ready? OK!

Whatever! Donovan McNabb is claiming that T.O. saying the Eagles would have been a better team with Brett Favre at QB instead of McNabb equates to a "black on black" crime. Yeah, it’s just like a gang shooting. The only black on black crime Donovan McNabb has been involved in is signing a contract to do those horrendous Chunky Soup commercials with his annoying mother. Honestly, these are the 3rd most annoying football commercials around. #2 would be the Coors Light "Love Train" commercials, and #1 would be the Diet Pepsi Machine commercials. I swear, if I see a Diet Pepsi Machine ad during the Super Bowl, I’m gonna, like, write a letter or something!

So, you want my "take" on T.O. visiting Denver? Well just click HERE for my article on RealGM.com. I can wait again.

La-la-la, hmm-hmm-hmm.

Done? Sweet!

Dude, Jerry Springer episode "I’m Going to Marry My Sister!" Does it get any better than daytime TV? I’m thinking, um, NOT! FYI, momma ain’t too happy, but the crowd LOVES it! Though momma can’t say too much considering she had 6 kids by the age of 19. And NO, that’s not a typo. Ah, best train wreck ever!

Making a mountain out of a pebble. The media is so desperate for a controversy around Super Bowl XL that they’ve turned a simple comment into a war of words. Seahawks tight end Jerramy Stevens simply said that they planned on ruining Pittsburgh’s Jerome Bettis’ homecoming/retirement party by winning the Super Bowl. Suddenly, Pittsburgh linebacker Joey Porter feels that was an invitation to start talking trash and being, ya know, Jerry Porter. "Outspoken" barely describes the running mouth that is Porter. In fact, his mouth is so big (how big is it?) it’s SO big it could provide section 8 housing for a family of five – including parking for the Ford minivan. Someone needs to shoot this guy in the ass. Ya know, again!

Milk: fuel for your body – literally! Traces of gasoline were found on milk cartons supplied to schools in SC. Sounds delicious! "(The odor) was so strong and so distinct - nobody wanted to drink it," Environmental Control spokesman Thom Berry said. Ya think? Fortunately, the students aren’t noticing the fertilizer in the pepper shakers yet.

Like a bull in a, um, ya know. A tourist in England tripped over his shoelaces and broke many priceless vases in a British museum. The priceless artifacts included three Qing dynasty vases, dating from the late 17th or early 18th century. Who let Gerald Ford out?

So

Distracted

By

SPRINGER!

Something about large black sistas ripping each other’s hair out and losing their tops just makes me feel, um, queasy. Now a large white man has his shirt off and is pole dancing on stage. Don’t ask.

I shouldn’t have had that burger.

Men are stupid. This guy in Australia dangled from a helicopter by a rope to make repairs on, well, it doesn’t matter. What DOES matter is the knot in the rope came loose and the guy fell 130 feet to the ground. Apparently natural selection had the day off because the guy fell into a snow bank and escaped without injury.

So THAT’S what they do in Indy when the Colts can’t make it to the Super Bowl! Some moron stole a bunch of manhole covers in Indianapolis. OK, why? What in the world would you do with huge, 200 pound steel discs? Do you really think it would impress your girlfriend? "Baby, check out your Valentine’s Day gift!" "Are those manhole covers? You are so SWEET!" (Blush, bat-bat!)

Dude, while driving? A man driving erratically was pulled over and cops found he was looking at porn while driving. This is certainly not what visor tissue holders were intended for.

Location, location, location. Where is the worst place to open a brothel? How about across the street from a police station. Sadly, it took police over a year to figure it out!

This will make my wife cry. Columbian drug lords are surgically implanting packages of heroin in puppies. This is probably the sickest thing I’ve ever heard! There couldn’t possibly be a torture tactic painful enough to punish these bastards!

You ain’t too smart, is ya? A woman tried to forge a business name on a check and cash it, but she spelled "independent" incorrectly as "indapendent." She might as well spell it "inDUHpendent!"

Stupid drunken birds! A study in Austria finds that birds flying into windows and dying are usually hopped up on fermented berries. Rumor has it that some of them are distracted by large brown hairy elephant looking things.

Mmm – lactose! A 100-pound woman won the World Grilled Cheese Eating Championship in NY this week. And men wonder why women have cramps.

What a Desperate Housewife! A woman in NH asked her hubby for some money, but he refused. So, she stormed out of their apartment. Thinking that she would calm down and return soon, the hubby went to bed without locking the door. The woman hired two men to go into the apartment, rough up her husband, and steal $2500 from him. What a sweet woman!

Need a nap? A cargo worker loading luggage onto an airplane fell asleep and eventually woke up in the cargo area on the way to Istanbul. Not Constantinople. Sometimes I fall asleep and when I wake up I’m not sure where I am at first, but DAMN!

OK, time to go watch my 143-month-old niece play some basketball. See ya!

4 comments:

Nichelle said...

HEY!! Stop the smacktalk on Joey Porter! He's probably the most successful CSU football player yet (until BVP gets his chance when Plummer blows up)...

Sus said...

I finally got to see yer Freak Train exhibition, thanks to Pam. You're insane friend!!! Hopefully some day I'll be able to catch ya in person.

Heather said...

That picture of Jessica Simpson - scary skinny!! Bleck!

Pat Angello said...

Nischizzle - Like I care where he's from. The guy needs to learn how to shut up! Otherwise, people might shoot him in the ass!

Sus - I swear it was better than the INXS concert!

Heather - EVERYTHING about Jessica Simpson is scary!

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!