Thursday, January 26, 2006

PAFC Newsletter, 1/26/06

Yeah, I’m a FREAK! I’ll admit it. And I’ll be performing yet again at Freak Train at the Bug Theatre. The show is on Monday, 1/30. Doors open at 7, show starts at 8, $5 gets you in the door, the beer is free, and I may or may not be wearing a dress. Just an FYI.

Speaking of freaks. Yep, Michael Jackson. He was spotted in a Bahrain mall wearing a veil and black robe, traditionally worn by women in the Gulf. They may be freaking out over it, but everyone here is thinking, "eh, whatever."

That’s it – I’m out! Um, no, I’m not talking about my current job, which ends officially on Tuesday. I think I’ll be putting in 20 hours in 2 days next week, if ya know what I mean. Anyway, some dude on a plane in Florida (WTF with the airline passengers in FL?) bit a passenger, then jumped out of the plane onto the tarmac. Mmm – tarmac on white with lettuce, tomato and mayonnaise! Ggguuuhhhhhlllll! The guy was then stun-gunned down, which I guess beats killing him. Apparently the guy freaked out as the plane was taxiing because he suddenly wanted off. Perhaps there was a man on the wing.

What would Lassie do? What Lassie ALWAYS does - save his master. A dog in Australia named Lassie went and got help when his owner fell off a horse. Just like on the TV show. Maybe my dog needs a new name, cuz, ya know, she’s kinda dumb.

Do you really want to live in China? Adult diaper sales are hitting record numbers in China because of overcrowded trains where people can’t even get to the bathrooms. Sounds like a fun trip! Nothing like being cooped up on a train where everyone is crapping themselves!

Um, I don’t smell anything. A Roman Catholic church rectory in Indiana needs $100,000 in renovations because of damage caused by over 13 years of accumulated animal waste. The man hired to clean and fumigate it got sick and left. Could be worse, he could be living on a train in China!

Nice skirt! A male high school student won the right to wear a dress to school. The school bans shorts during the winter, but not skirts. The boy decided to wear a dress, because jeans are for geeks, and he, uh, won I guess. Mom must be proud.

That is SO HOT! The new fashion trend among Thai teens are fake orthodontic braces! Yeah, nothing says sexy like food stuck in braces and bleeding lips. Sign me up!

Isn’t that sweet? The Scorpion Queen and Centipede King are set to wed on Valentine’s Day. This odd yet ironically perfectly matched couple travel around Thailand freaking people out by playing with their respectively named creepy crawly things. Forget rice - let’s throw maggots!

If you clicked on that last link, I apologize. Especially if you’re eating. Really. Sorry! But you had to know it was coming. I mean, come ON!

The search for Bigfoot! A team of scientists and “experts” in Malaysia will hunt for the somewhat mythical creature. Hey, I’ve seen him and I know exactly where he is. Come to Freak Train at the Bug Theatre and I bet you he’s serving beer!

Talk about shooting yourself in the foot – literally! A man who robbed a diner went back to try again when his first take wasn’t big enough. He accidentally shot himself in the foot on the second attempt. Doi!

Sure, but is it art? A man in France attacked a piece of art – a urinal that was declared a work of art by Dada pioneer Marcel Duchamp. OK, if you were going to destroy art, wouldn’t you go after something a little less, um, disgusting?

DUCK! A man in Oregon was threw both of his prosthetic legs at a state trooper when the trooper arrested the man’s son for drunk driving. I think I saw their mom on Howard Stern the other night! She had a midget throwing bologna at her ass.

Mirror, mirror, on the mountain – a little light please! A small town in Italy that is located in the belly of a valley basically sees no light from November through February. So, they finally got smart and put a mirror on top of a nearby mountain to shed some light on them. Then they tried to spread the light a little with a magnifying glass, and now half the town burnt to the ground.

A sure fire cure for hiccups! A man pointed a gun at his nephew who had the hiccups. Ya know, to try and scare the hiccups away. However, the guy accidentally shot and killed his nephew. Of course the man was so upset, he shot himself. OK, here’s a little trick for you – a way to get rid of the hiccups that simply never fails and does not involve a weapon:

  1. Fill a small (juice) glass about ¾ full of water.
  2. Put the glass up to your mouth AND KEEP IT THERE.
  3. Inhale through your nose – hold it.
  4. Take a small sip.
  5. Exhale through your nose – hold it.
  6. Take a small sip.
  7. Continue steps 3-6 without pulling the glass away from your mouth until water is gone.

You’re welcome.


Bill Purdy said...


Derek Knight said...

so I was trying to convince Collin that he should show up and sign up to perform and he said that it would like...ruin his life...or something...

Anything goes at the freak train?

Pat Angello said...

Like anyone in Denver knows him?

Collin said...

Some people in Denver might know me. But, no, that's not what I'd be afraid of. First is the fact that I have no act, there's just me and that wouldn't go over so well, even with the place full of drunks. Second is who might follow me up there to watch the show, if I had an act. Which I don't. Derek's the one that needs to put on a show.

And did you type "Doi"? I haven't heard or even seen "doi" since the 80s.

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!