Monday, January 23, 2006

PAFC Newsletter, 1/23/06

Nice pants! For some reason, Joey and Mary Jo Buttafuoco will do some kind of reunion special with Amy Fisher. In case you forgot, Amy was 16 and had an affair with the much older car mechanic and then shot his wife in the face. God bless him for starting the Zuba pants trend! For those of you who enjoy 15-year-old train wrecks, well yer in luck!

Now THAT’S how to enjoy yogurt! A yogurt company executive in Seoul has been convicted for staging an "obscene" yogurt promotion. Yeah, I was curious too! Actually, they squirted yogurt on naked women who were covered in flour, thus revealing naughty bits. If I only had a squirt bottle!

Well, that makes sense! A woman who owed tons of money for embezzlement charges was, um, stealing money to pay the others back! OK, this kinda sounds like what we’re doing with credit cards right now. FYI, if I am paying 12.99% on a card and they send me balance transfer checks with a rate of 7.99%, can I just send them one of those checks to lower my rate? You’d think so!

John Belushi lives! A man in NC broke into a woman’s house and stole her undies. He was wearing only a toga. Wait a minute – I know someone in NC! Wait, that’s not him. HERE he is!

Well, she USED to have a cane. A transsexual in Singapore was spared the cane because it is now a she. I’m a little confused as well. Anyway, he/she/it had drugs in, um, it’s possession with intent to sell and was sentenced to 6 years in jail. Now if she were a HE, then the caning would have been ON! I wonder is he/she forgets and tries to go standing up?

They don’t get much dumber! A man in Massachusetts robbed a bank using the old “bomb in a bag” trick. The guy left the bag behind, with books and a mailing address in it. Police had no trouble catching the guy. At least TAKE the bag! Seriously, if you leave it, people are going to search it. Can you really be that dumb to not make sure there’s nothing in there with your frucking address on it?

I’ve been behind scary vehicle before, but DAMN! A man hauling a horse trailer with a camel in it lost the camel on the highway. The thing jumped out while the guy was driving! Then it started singing:

what you gonna do with all that junk

all that junk inside that trunk?

I’ma get, get, get, get, u drunk,

Get you love drunk off my hump.

My hump, x6

My lovely little lumps,

Check it out

I drive these brothers crazy,

I do it on the daily,

They treat me really nicely,

They buy me all these iceies.

Dolce & Gabbana,

Fendi and NaDonna

Karan they be sharin’

All their money got me wearin fly, whether I ain’t askin,

They say they love my ass ‘n,

Seven Jeans, True Religion,

I say no, but they keep givin’

So I keep on takin’

And no I ain’t takin’

We can keep on datin’

Now keep on demonstrating.

My love, my love, my love, my love

You love my lady lumps,

My hump, my hump, my hump,

My humps they got u,

She’s got me spending.

(Oooo) Spendin’ all your money on me and spendin' time on me.

She’s got me spendin’.

(Oooo) Spendin’ all your money on me,(uh) on me, on me

What you gonna do with all that junk?

All that junk inside that trunk?

I’m a get, get, get, get, you drunk,

Get you love drunk off my hump.

What u gon’ do with all that ass?

All that ass inside them jeans?

I’m a make, make, make, make you scream

Make u scream, make you scream.

Cause of my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump.

My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely lady lumps, check it out!

I met a girl down at the disco.

She said hey, hey, hey yea let’s go

I could be your baby, you can be my honey

Lets spend time not money.

and mix your milk wit my cocoa puff,

Milky, milky cocoa,

Mix your milk with my cocoa puff, milky, milky riiiiiiight

They say I’m really sexy,

The boys they wanna sex me.

They always standing next to me,

Always dancing next to me,

Tryin’ a feel my hump, hump.

Lookin’ at my lump, lump.

U can look but you can’t touch it,

If u touch it I’m a start some drama,

You don’t want no drama,

No, no drama, no, no, no, no drama

So don’t pull on my hand boy,

You ain’t my man, boy,

I’m just tryn’a dance boy,

And move my hump.

My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,

My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump.

My lovely lady lumps (x3)

In the back and in the front.

My lovin’ got u,

She’s got me spendin’.

(Oooo) Spendin’ all your money on me and spending time on me.

She’s got me spendin’.

(Oooo) Spendin’ all your money on me,up on me, on me.

What you gon’ do with all that junk?

All that junk inside that trunk?

I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,

Get you love drunk off this hump.

What you gon’ do with all that breast?

All that breast inside that shirt?

I’ma make, make, make, make you work

Make you work, work, make you work

(Long Pause)

She's got me spending

(Oooo) spending all your money on me

and spendin' time on me

She's got me spending

(Ooo)spending all your money on me uh on me on me

THAT was basically just to be annoying.

You’re welcome!

I’d go into how completely stupid the lyrics to that song is, but you can see that for yourself and neither of us have time to discuss.

Sundae, Bloody Sundae! A woman in Delaware claims a McDonald’s sundae she bought for her son was contaminated with human blood. I am SO hungry for McDonald’s sundaes right now! I wonder what they use for sprinkles?

Nice pants. Oh, wait! A group of 8 men were arrested in NY for dropping their pants on the subway. Rumor has it they were pre-protesting the Jets pick in the upcoming NFL draft.

Speaking of protesting! Them crazy PETA people are at it again. This time they are freezing their booties off by sitting around naked in Spain. Ya know, they probably would make a nice coat!

Can’t we all just get along? A teenager in Pennsylvania was told by his teacher to sit on the floor to take a mid-term – because he was sporting a Denver Broncos jersey. Wasn’t the game itself humiliating enough?

You gonna eat that? Speaking of PA, a woman was fined $173.50 for throwing lettuce out the window of her car. Good thing she wasn’t wearing Broncos clothing!

Aaarrrrgggghhhhh! A Japanese nurse has been sentenced to 3 years in prison for, wait for it, ripping off fingernails and toenails of patients who were immobilized after strokes! Maybe she was practicing and kept messing up?

Finally, who’s guarding Kobe?


Bill Purdy said...

Awesome! An Alberta Bill Purdy sighting, Hillary Dandruff, and ALL of the lyrics to that one Black Eyed Peas song I've never heard but can't seem to stop reading about! A bang-up job this week! Huzzah!

(and I thought it was funny when a guy from NY finally told me what J-E-T-S stood for: "just end the season")

Derek Knight said...

Seriously, "Lady Lumps?" How the HELL could that possibly sound complimentary?

"ooh, those jeans make you look so lady-lumpy!"

"oh, I bet you say that to all the girls!"

Pat Angello said...

BP - Just End The Season is funny! Thanks for the ever-so sweet words.

DK - Try it on Squatchy! Then duck. Arguably the dumbest lyrics since "Pac Man Fever."

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!