Nobody wants to see that! Aretha Franklin will be performing at the Super Bowl. OK, if there is another wardrobe malfunction, it’s safe to say it will be the LEAST TiVo’d clip ever! Guh! Actually, she’s performing the National Anthem with Aaron Neville and Dr. John. It’s kind of a New Orleans thing, which is fine. However, I’m thinking the Anthem will probably be 15 minutes long and end with Franklin poking that thing on Neville’s head hoping it’s frosting on a cupcake.
But I’m standing right here! A man India was believed dead by his village. When he returned from prison, everyone freaked out. His family will not let him into his own house because they think he is a ghost. Maybe they are scared of him because of the REASON he went to jail. Which was, um, a minor tax infraction. No wonder Hillary scares the hell out of me!
She did it for the money. A 68-year-old woman in Tennessee married a 100-year-old pastor. That’ll last! I thought she did it for the money, but then I realized he was a pastor that has no money. Ah, century love!
If you think you can actually make money gambling on GoldenPalace.com, you are freakin’ HIGH! The online casino famous for outbidding the scum of the earth for ridiculous objects (grilled cheese anyone?) has just spent $25,000 on William Shatner’s kidney stone. I guess I’m on to plan B for my wife’s Valentine’s Day present. Damn you, GoldenPalace.com!
Well, it is Oakland after all. The city of Oakland is having issues with the amount of goose poop that is, well, piling up around town. I guess they are having trouble getting the poop removed, because it’s lazy and quits on its teammates. One pile is affectionately known as Warren Sapp, and the other as Randy Moss. Hey, they dug their own grave!
Speaking of, um, poopie! There is a new invention that eliminates the odor from hog manure. Now when my father claims it smells like roses, I might have to believe him! My sister actually went to school in Greeley Colorado, famous for its stench of cow dung. She said you get used to it and it kinda smells like pizza after a while. My wife always says, sure – like sh*t pizza!
What are we teaching our children? Some drinking buddies in Michigan won $10,000 in a beer pong competition! Mom and dad must be so proud – talk about college money going to the right place. "But mom, we got past regionals and now we’re moving on to the state championship!"
Lovely! A man in SC faked his own death 25 years ago to get out of paying child support. Because, you know, it’s all about the money, not the kids. Hope he’s been saving his pennies for the last 25 years, because he’s about $30K behind. Maybe the fact that he has to live with himself and the humiliation of a national news story about him is enough. Nah, I think he needs to walk around in a shirt that says, "I’m the biggest ass ever!" And when people ask him why, he must go into a 20-minute explanation while a woman slaps his face and kids kick him in the shins.