Wednesday, November 30, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 11/30/05


All that glitters is NOT gold! I mentioned Gary Glitter last week, and things are getting more disturbing about this guy! As you may (or may not) know, Glitter’s “Rock and Roll Part II” is the song played whenever the home team (Broncos or Avalanche) scores and the crowd yells, “Hey” on queue. However, the sick bastard is currently being held in a Vietnam prison for raping children that are 11, 12, and 17 years old, as well as a few between 18 and 23. Where are the parents of these children? Is he “paying” for them? No matter, the 61-year-old Glitter obviously has some serious issues and it is certainly time for us as sports fans to find a new celebration song, because I can’t hear that 30-year-old tune anymore! So, I will leave it in your hands – please leave a comment with any suggestions. Here are 20 alternative tunes to get you started:

  1. “Land of a Thousand Dances” (Wilson Pickett)
  2. “Na Na Hey Hey (Kiss Him Goodbye)” (Steam)
  3. “One by One” (Foo Fighters)
  4. “That’s The Way I Like It” (KC & the Sunshine Band)
  5. “Woohoo” (Blur)
  6. “Another One Bites the Dust” (Queen)
  7. “Hey Man Nice Shot” (Filter)
  8. “Louie, Louie” (The Kingsmen)
  9. “Shook Me All Night Long” (AC/DC)
  10. “Shout” (The Isley Brothers)
  11. “I Got You (I Feel Good)” (James Brown)
  12. “Mony, Mony” (Tommy James and the Shondells)
  13. “Blitzkrieg Bop (Hey, Ho, Let’s Go)” (The Ramones)
  14. “I’m the Man” (Joe Jackson)
  15. “Rock and Roll All Night” (Kiss)
  16. “Pump It Up” (Elvis Costello)
  17. “Ready to Go” (Republica)
  18. “Jump Around” (House of Pain)
  19. “Wooly Bully” (Sam the Sham & the Pharaohs)
  20. “Taking Care of Business” (BTO)

Almost as sad, Nick and Jessica are over. I cried. I mean, who else could tolerate her stupidity and that Tourette Syndrome tick of hers when she “sings?” Maybe she can find help online somewhere?

I’m dreaming. However, some day I fully intend on being a “famous” blogger. Maybe I should learn how to write gooder?

Sorry, I mean “more good.”

What’s in a name? There are pro athletes with silly names like Coco Crisp, Milton Bradley, and Jake Plummer that probably were made fun of as children. However, these athletes overcame that obstacle and went on to succeed at their profession. The same cannot be said for a man unfortunately named Ronald MacDonald. Ronald has been caught stealing money from the safe at work. He works for Wendy’s Hamburgers. Sour grapes? Possibly! He would have gotten away with it if he didn’t trip over his size 28 shoes.

This is just horrible! A 15-year-old girl died from a peanut allergy after her boyfriend kissed her. He had just consumed a peanut butter snack. Ya gotta feel for the guy, who probably knew nothing about the allergy and was simply making out with his girlfriend like most teens do. This reminds me of a song by Dokken for some reason.

What is it with the Pack? A second fan ran onto the field as the Packers were playing on the road this season. This time, in Philly, some dude was spreading the ashes of his dead mother on the field in the middle of a game. Because waiting until after the game would have disgraced her?

And you thought YOUR mother-in-law was bad? A woman in PA poured bleach into mac-n-cheese in an attempt to poison her daughter, grandchildren, and her daughter’s boyfriend. Geez – the worst thing my mother-in-law has done is ask me to move furniture for a church garage sale. Well, so far that is.

Hey man, nice shot (part 2). A young boy “accidentally” shot a man in an outhouse. The kid claims he missed during target practice, but there is an investigation going on about if the boy knew someone was in the outhouse or not. Personally, I need to concentrate pretty hard in there. The last thing I need is someone taking pot shots at me!

Wait; let me rub my eyes here. A farmer in PA is painting his cows hunter-safety orange. Ya know, I saw orange-flavored Broncos milk at the grocery store last night. This explains it!

I’m a big Tampa Bay Bucs fan. Not sure why, just always have been since they came into the league. However, Florida kinda scares me. The state is nothing but illegal immigrants, old people, and strip clubs. Not a good combination. Last week, a 40-foot mobile home at the Bucs’ game was turned into a strip club, because ANYTHING in Florida can be turned into a strip club! This almost explains the Carolina cheerleaders visit to Tampa a few weeks ago.

Bring it ON, little Missie! A 76-year-old woman in Omaha had her head slammed into a recycle bin by a 17-year-old girl hoping to steal the old ladies car. Instead, Pearl Fritts got up and turned around with her dukes up! Scared, the teenager took off running. Float like a butterfly; sting like a beehive hair-do!

How many fingers am I holding up? Apparently, for this “fingernail designer” in Austria, none! This man decided that the best way to collect on the insurance policy he took out on his hands would be to sever his own fingers on a train track. Would you cut off your fingers for a cool $1(remember, million is always implied in insurance fraud – and the number of people who didn’t know Ron Dayne was a Denver Bronco until Thanksgiving)?

OK, I’ve got my hands full with just one! 4 women in Saudi Arabia have married the same man. It’s a convenience marriage for all as the 4 women lived far away from their jobs as teachers. The man was their driver, because women are not allowed to drive there. So, they all married the driver. Yep, in Saudi Arabia you can have up to 4 wives. I’m happy with just one, thanks!

Monday, November 28, 2005

Just in Time for the Holidays!

Stumped on what to get that not-so special someone for (insert December gift-giving holiday here)?

Check out the Pat Angello Fan Club stores at www.cafepress.com/pafc or www.cafepress.com/pafc2!

New items just added include:


Black T-Shirt

$21.99


Cap

$14.99


Kids Baseball Jersey

$16.99


Kids Hoodie

$21.99


Kids Sweatshirt

$17.99


Kids T-Shirt

$15.99


Mini Button (10 pack)

$9.99


Ornament (Oval)

$7.99


Ornament (Round)

$7.99


Postage Pal™

$7.99


Rectangle Magnet (10 pack)

$12.99


Tile Coaster

$6.99


Wall Calendar

$19.99


Women's Cap Sleeve T-Shirt

$18.99


Greeting Cards (Package of 6)

$12.99

Different logos at both stores - you can't go wrong with a PAFC gift! Because they are returnable!

Sunday, November 27, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 11/27/05


Aw, do I hafta go back to work?

We had a great 4-day weekend, and I hope you all enjoyed your Thanksgiving as well. So, just for the heck of it, here’s a top 11 for you!

Top 11 Things I am Grateful For (other than the obvious – wife, family, job, dog, friends, Bob Lob Law...)

11) It is not baseball season.

10) TO lost his appeal

9) Hockey is BACK!

8) Paris Hilton’s kinkajou attacked her plastic face

7) Leftover turkey

6) Ron Dayne

5) My dominance over Purdy at NHL2K6

4) Freak Train (although I will not be performing tonight)

3) Online bill pay

2) The Hives

1) Blogging

Fortunately, we avoided the freaky shoppers on Friday. Here’s a good reason! A man in Florida cut in front of a bunch of customers at Wal-Mart to get a screamin’ deal on a laptop. Security guards wrestled the man to the ground and then started throwing laptops in the air. Mayhem broke out and it solidified yet ANOTHER reason why I will never, ever, EVER shop at Wal-Mart again, aside from the obvious reasons.

I used to love Legos when I was a kid. And that was even before they were all cool and themed and stuff – I thought a window was sweet! Now, they are all funky and have Star Wars sets, etc. I guess that’s why this guy in Portland stole $200K worth of Lego sets. WTF? Maybe he’s starting a web site?

Speaking of stealing stupid items, what would you do with a 30’ light pole? Some thieves in Baltimore are literally uprooting light poles and taking them to, uh, I have no idea. I guess this just proves that people in Baltimore will steal ANYTHING!

Everyone loves a freak show! OK, maybe not EVERYONE. Actually, there is a museum full of odd people from the circus, and it’s about to close. So, if you want to see Wanda the Worm Woman, Mickey the Mumbling Midget, or Benny the Bouncing Bump, you better hurry!

Like we care! A woman filling her church’s van with gas was robbed at knifepoint in Indiana. When she ran to the store clerk to use the phone to call 911, the clerk told her to use her cell phone and refused to let her use the phone at the gas station. Sounds like a good reason to boycott Citgo gas to me!

Good LORD! People are flocking (because they are sheep ya know!) to a stature of the Virgin Mary in Sacramento because she is "crying." Right. There’s no way that could be a scam. People believe that she is crying because a disaster is right around the corner. Maybe W. placed an order for another hurricane to kill poor people?

OK, I’m watching SportsCenter and I’m shocked at how crappy it’s getting. 1) Football poetry jam; 2) Sean Salisbury using the word "ty-izzle" to describe Ladanian Tomlinson; 3) they complain about the showboating, but pretty much all they show are stupid TD dances; "I Love Twins" football song with changed lyrics each week - STILL!!! ESPN is getting way too big for their britches.

A Catholic high school teacher was fired in NY because she is pregnant and not married. Oh, because some priests are such great role models? Sorry, but I’m not buying the "Catholic Morality" speech right now.

Tom Cruise bought a sonogram machine. Yeah, drop that story to the press after asking that everyone respect your privacy. Something tells me the birth will be on pay-per-view with all proceeds going to Scientology.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Halkey Talk


A very scary incident happened in Detroit last night as Red Wing defenseman Jiri Fischer had a seizure on the bench and had to be resuscitated. The game was called and Fischer was rushed to the hospital where he is staying for a few days to be evaluated. This story is Tedi Bruschi scary. On a personal note, this again hits way too close to home for many of my friends as we lost a great guy last year that collapsed playing hockey. His name was Mark "Smitty" Smith, he was five days away from turning 36, and he was married to one of our dearest friends. I think about him every day, and Katy and I try to do everything we can to support his widow.

Now that I’ve brought you all down, let’s talk about something happy!

I gotta tell ya, it’s been a looong time since Purdy and I went to a hockey game together. I kinda miss it, even if our hockey sweater etiquette wasn’t up to snuff for SOME people as Bill wore a Carolina Hurricanes jersey and I wore a Hartford Whalers jersey. We still had a great time, although the Avs looked sluggish in a relatively boring game that they ended up losing in a shoot-out. Sure they were down by 2 and came back to send it into overtime, but there seemed to be a ton of missed passes and lots of neutral-zone play. Yawn! He’s no replacement for my wife (in more ways than one), but going to a hockey game with Billy was still a lot of fun. I just wish the Avs could score a freakin’ goal in the shoot-out. They are literally 1 for 7, and we’re talking about shooters such as Joe Sakic, Alex Tanguay, and Milan Hejduk! Maybe it’s time they rotate in players who are actually scoring, such as Marek Svatos and Ian Laperriere? There’s no reason to put the game in the hands of the guys who are slumping. Hell, throw Andrew Brunette or Pierre Turgeon out there for all I care – just gimme someone who can get the puck past the goaltender!

One thing that stuck out like a ham sandwich at a Jewish wedding last night was the fact that the Avs media staff has gone to crap. The music was 70% awful and there were no fun video clips or games for the crowd to play – nothing! I’ve seen better entertainment at a college hockey game. I know they’ve got these 10 incredible prizes they are giving away throughout the year, but there’s got to be some budget left – especially when the cheap seats are $34 each. I’m thinking of putting together a list of ideas to share with them so they can actually entertain the crowd that is paying more than the fans of 28 other teams in the league, merely to watch a simple game.

Finally, (shut up!) there are rumors that the Avs are after Roberto Luongo, goaltender for the Florida Panthers. OK, so the Panthers have lost 11 straight, but don’t let that deter you from Luongo! The guy has been standing on his head for a team that can’t score and doesn’t play defense. Early on, he was THE fantasy goalie to have on your team as he had two shutouts and literally won games by himself. So, David Aebischer and Brad May to Florida for Luongo sounds like a deal to me. I don’t have anything against either player, but this is as close to a Patrick Roy trade as you’re going to find this year. Also, the dumb fans of this team don’t want May around, even though they literally fell silent when he got injured last night and even gave him an ovation as he was helped off the ice. Regardless, Pierre Lacroix needs to pull the trigger – git-r-done!

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire


Quick and dirty for ya:

Somehow my wife scored pre-release tix for this flick so we went tonight. After sitting through a 1 hour presentation on how to cool your server racks (if ya know what I mean), the movie started.

As usual with Harry Potter movies, this film is visually stunning! The choreography and effects are phenominal. The children are (finally) becoming better actors, and the odd characters are still done to perfection.

The Goblet of Fire is a more mature and a little more frightening film compared to the others. There is some sexual tension among the kids, and a lot of gross, scary, and sad events that might be a little much for the younger, easy-to-scare, sensitive kids. However, I know one person who will enjoy the Harry in the bathtub scene. Guh!

Anyway, my wife has read the books and loves them. I'm pretty entertained by about any film, but she swears that this one was exceptional. They stuck well to the story and portrayed everyone and every thing just as she had hoped.

Therefore, 4.5 out of 5 collectively!

PAFC Newsletter, 11/17/05


Dun-dun-dunnnn-dun-HEY! Gary Glitter is in trouble again. The former pop star responsible for "Rock and Roll (Part 2)" (a song that is played at many sporting events when the home team [Avs or Broncos] score and we all yell "HEY!") likes them a little young. Glitter was convicted in 1999 in Britain for possessing child porn. In 2002, he was booted from Cambodia on an unspecified criminal charge. Seriously, what do you have to do to get kicked out of Cambodia? Now, he’s in Hanoi where he is living with a (wait for it...) 15-year-old girl! Glitter, now 61, is on the lamb and could face the death penalty in Vietnam. This goes way beyond robbing the cradle! Time to find a new song everyone!

Not sure how this happened, but I have MORE on robbing the cradle! A 37-year-old woman wed a 15-year-old boy in Georgia (like you couldn’t guess). Do I hear banjos? This is a little better than Gary Glitter, but not really. Oh, and she’s pregnant, of course. If you’ll excuse me, I just threw up in the back of my throat a little.

Sorry, but it gets worse before it gets better. A school superintendent has been arrested for placing a camera that looks like an air freshener in the women’s bathroom at high school. OK, so it’s at least a faculty restroom, but come ON people!

Nice lid! KC has been approved by NFL owners to host a Super Bowl. Oh, yeah! When I think Super Bowl, I think KC in January! What the hell? However, in order to host the Super Bowl, KC must put a rolling roof on Arrowhead Stadium, which will run about $100-$200 (remember, million is ALWAYS implied in professional sports stadium costs – and the number of people who SHOULD have watched Arrested Development!), not to mention the other $300 the stadium needs in upgrades. So, for a mere $500, KC could have a Super Bowl. The breath holding begins............NOW!

Vitamin B-12 my ass! MLB owners have finally agreed to have a real steroid policy. First offense has jumped up from 10 days to 50 games! Second offense is 100 games and third is a lifetime ban. Welcome back, Barry Bonds!

How did this take so long? People arrested for DUI may have special license plates. I think they should have something else called a special bus pass! Speaking of bus passes; RTD in Denver is about to raise rates on certain routes. Not the express routes because those were just raised last year and are among the highest of all cities. But the less fortunate that ride the bus in town are still very upset. A monthly bus pass has gone from $45 to $54. One woman said, "If I had that kind of money, I’d buy a car." Yeah, the extra $9 per month is gonna get you quite the vehicle!

So, what’s next for Michael Jackson? Apparently he’s "stirred up more controversy" by walking into a women’s bathroom at a mall in Dubai. Then again, you can’t be too sure about, um, him anyway.

Sounds delicious! A zoo in Thailand is not only showing exotic animals, but also offering them up for dinner. However, in Thailand, dog is considered exotic. (FYI, that’s not a racial slur, it’s actually written in the article!) So what was the point again? I think PETA is on line 1.

Seen it! A mother in Oklahoma is making her poorly behaved daughter stand on the street holding a sign that reads, "I didn’t do my homework and I act up in school so my parents are preparing me for my future." I think we’ve all seen this attempted before by "radical" moms who usually find Jesse Jackson on their doorstep by the weekend. But you gotta see the pic of this kid – priceless!

New Jersey needs a new slogan. 10% of the submissions for this little contest have been comical, so why should I do something serious? Here’s a top 11 for ya!

Top 11 Rejected Slogans for New Jersey:

11) What did I step in?

10) At least we’re not Arkansas!

9) Home of Bruce and Bon Jovi, but don’t hold that against us!

8) Not quite New York, but at least close in proximity.

7) Snniiffff! Ahh…(hack-cough-gack!) Oh, forget that one.

6) Where the mayor can unknowingly do fake land deals for her son (some of these are personal, folks).

5) Because Pennsylvania is too hard to spell.

4) Come try our kick-ass salsa!

3) Did we already mention Springsteen yet?

2) Mostly above sea level.

1) Sure it smells like crap at first, but after a while, it kinda smells like pizza!

I’ll pass, thanks! People in Boston are a little upset about an online auction featuring art by a serial killer. Who would want to buy this stuff anyway? Have you seen the creepy clown paintings by John Wayne Gacy? Bleh! And where does the money go? RIGHT BACK TO THE KILLER! Now I understand why the city is pissed! Maybe the money should go, oh, I don’t know, to the family of the people he killed? I’m sure he’s not paying any damages to them now. Again I just threw up in the back of my throat!

The Florida bar has ethics? Who knew? The bar is, you guessed it, suing a law firm for using pit bulls in their ads. The firm was trying to show that they are aggressive lawyers, but the bar thinks that’s too aggressive. Oh yeah, because lawyers are so easy going and sweet.

OK, I’m off until Monday – have a lovely weekend!

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 11/15/05


This is WAY sweet! A woman in India lost her eye. Nope, not from a lawn dart, or running with scissors, or a misplaced fork. She was in the hospital getting treatment for an infection when ants attacked her eye! The nurses simply told her it was normal to feel pain from the infection. Apparently, ants like to munch on diabetic people, the reason she was in the hospital for treatment in the first place. Suddenly, the woman has an odd urge to go out in the middle of a wheat field and dance.

A puppy in Michigan is getting a prosthetic leg. Peg (Seriously, that’s the dog’s name!) was born without an ankle joint or paw on her right leg. Dr. Rex Miller is creating the puppy foot free of charge for the dog. I wonder if he can help mentally disabled dogs?

Is it just me, or have I just sort of completed the, "Wood-eye, wood-eye?"/"Peg-leg, peg-leg!" joke?

This wasn’t in the job description! A rookie cab driver delivered a baby in the back of his cab last week. The mother was so grateful that she wanted to name the baby after the cabbie. Then she realized that she couldn’t spell or pronounce the name of the cab driver, so the kid will be called "Metro Jet."

What’s the capital of Thailand? Trannys in Bangkok are pulling a fast one on tourists in more ways than one. First, they will come up to a man and steal a kiss. It’s like watching Springer! Second, they are hiding strong sedatives under their tongue that they slip down the unassuming man’s throat. When tourist passes out, the freak show will swipe his wallet before he finds out that the chick is a dude. Remind me never to go to Thailand!

Quick – someone call PETA! Too late. Employees of a TV company in Amsterdam were in the midst of setting up to break the Guinness World Record for falling dominoes when a sparrow flew into the warehouse where they were setting up. A few people cornered the bird and shot it before it could mess up the project. Then "Fat Betty" dropped her doughnut and they had to start all over anyway.

Some women just don’t get it! You can buy them the book He’s Just Not That Into You, and they STILL don’t get it. Take this woman in California who plans on marrying a man that shot her in the crotch and held her hostage for 6 days in a garage. The man is in jail for 20 years, but that won’t stop this love! The couple has a long history of domestic abuse and substance abuse. They also lived with his parents, which could have been the main issue here. Hey, I love my in-laws, but I’m not about to move in with them.

THIS is why elderly people are paranoid. An elderly woman was repeatedly attacked by a kinkajou. Get yer mind out of the gutter. A kinkajou is actually a raccoon-like varmint that some people in Mississippi consider a "pet." FOX has already planned the special: When Kinkajous Attack the Elderly. Oh, and local news across the nation will run a promo saying, "An elderly woman in Mississippi was attacked by a kinkajou this week. Could you be at risk? Tune in tonight at 10 to find out how to be prepared in case a kinkajou comes out of nowhere to attack you!"

Hey! Nichelle! That’s what you can name the baby: Kinkajou! "Kinkajou La Quishianna Anderson" has WNBA All-Star/lesbian written all over it!

Ah, so it’s NOT just Americans that are sue-happy. Kazakhstan's Foreign Ministry is threatening legal action against Sacha Baron Cohen, the man behind Da Ali G Show, because he portrays them as drunks who enjoy cow punching as a sport. Hey, who doesn’t? I guess my point is – it’s FICTION! Get over it! Don’t make me file a lawsuit against the Soprano’s!

Geezers gettin’ DOWN, yo! A nursing home in Ireland is now providing a pub to the people who live there. Be careful – I hear that when Myrtle McGraddy has a few too many, she dances on the bar and takes her top off.

Who is the Time person of the year? No, not Terrell Owens. In Fact, it’s not exactly a person this year. It’s Mother Nature! Global warming? Fuggeddaboudit!

I meant to mention this last week! My wife has purchased some yummy Italian soda mixes – just add soda water. We have strawberry and peach flavors. They are good and are diet as well! Now the Jones Soda company has introduced flavors for the holidays: turkey and gravy, wild herb stuffing, Brussels sprout, cranberry and pumpkin pie. If that’s not to your liking, try the green bean casserole or salmon. Honestly, you can buy these things at Target!

Finally, a big sarcastic "Thank You!" to the idiots of America for NOT watching Arrested Development. FOX has (finally) pulled the plug on the best comedy on TV because NOBODY WATCHED IT! What is WRONG with you people? Where can we go for such great gags as attorney Bob Lob Law (say it out loud), a never-nude, freakish hair plugs, cousin sexual tension, a beagle sleeping on a red dog house while depressing Charlie Brown music plays, a failing magician, a surrogate dad (Super Dave Osborne) who interacts with the family wearing a camera and earpiece spewing out everything real dad says from the comforts of his bed, a man-child who had his hand bitten off by an escaped circus seal, a stair car, Liza Minnelli with vertigo, a protégé for the Blue Man Group, and dead-pan narration by Ron Howard? Oh well – it lasted two seasons longer than I thought it would. At least you can rent it on DVD!

Monday, November 14, 2005

Don't Get Me Started!

OK, so Bill got me started.

I told him I needed to put together a new Top 11 List. He made a suggestion, and gave me three to work from, then he logged off. Well, I couldn’t just let it sit there so…

Top 11 Satisfying Plot Twist Suggestions for Lost Writers

11. Pan back from the hatch to reveal a poorly constructed house sitting alone on an Orange County Hillside. Cue banjo music and Ron Howard.

10. In riveting flashback, Ana Lucia pitches an idea to a studio executive. "What do you call it?" he asks. "The Aristocrats!" Ana Lucia exclaims!

9. Reveal horrible secret held by Boone and Shannon: They swapped mommies!

8. The numbers actually refer to how many chicken wings Hurley can consume in one sitting, dating back to age 5 and increasing in intervals of 5 years.

7. Kate sets up a Sexy Singles Hotline with two paper cups and a long vine, if ya know what I mean.

6. Charlie kicks the drug habit, finds Jesus, and starts preaching like Reverend Brown.

5. Jin-Soo finally reveals that he really can speak English. However, he drones on about the history of Sumo wrestling and gets irate when people don’t get his references to “famous” wrestlers of the past and Vaudevillian actors.

4. Sayid returns to camp in just his tighty-whities and blood on his hands. Charlie thinks it’s the second coming and starts searching for his stash.

3. Locke starts drinking his own urine. (Wait, I think this is already happening!)

2. In a flashback, Jack sees his parents die in a car crash and wonders why HE now has to be the one to take care of Bailey, Julia, Claudia and Owen.

1. The Others are revealed – as the Junk Yard Gang playing a never-ending game of buck-buck.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 11/13/05


I feel nauseas! I saw a TV promo for the AMA’s (that would stand for American Music Awards) and the “featuring” celebs mentioned were: Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff. I’m sorry, but I thought these were the American MUSIC Awards! And you wonder why I boycott all awards shows and hold my own! It started when Jethro Tull won a Grammy in the “heavy metal” category way back when Metallica clearly had the metal album of the year. Sorry – I’m starting to get wound up, but that made about as much sense as the Country Music Awards being held in New York!

A restaurant owner in Mississippi is being accused of selling snake meat. The guy killed the snake with a lead pipe and offered it to customers. That would be the restaurateur in the kitchen with a lead pipe. I win! I wonder how many ounces of snake meat count as one serving of protein on this new diet I’m on.

Stoners are dumb. A man in CA thought someone was trying to break into his home, so he called the cops. When the cops arrived and checked inside the house, they found $100K in pot – including an 8’ tall marijuana plant! There were also syringes and a methamphetamine pipe. Would you, ya know, try to hide the stuff or something? Oh, and there’s a "Neighborhood Watch Association" sign in the guy’s front yard.

OK, I’m watching the Nuggets’ game and the Timberwolves have just gotten their second technical for taunting – and they’re DOWN by 17 in the 4th quarter! How can you be showboating???

It’s hot in Florida - especially in the prisons, where inmates are cooking up hot sauces. I don’t really want to know what the secret ingredient is!

Chris Mortensen of ESPN was stupid enough to predict Terrell Owens would end up in Denver eventually. There are 3 reasons why this is incorrect: 1) Mike Shanahan will NOT deal with Drew Rosenhaus; 2) the Broncos don’t need another receiver, no matter what the “experts” say; 3) the Broncos don’t throw the ball nearly enough to entice TO. And frankly, I’m so sick of all the attention the guy is getting on TV. I’m pretty sure the morning NFL show on ESPN dedicated about 45 minutes to a guy who isn’t playing. And why isn’t the guy playing? Because he’s an imbecile! He’s made a complete ass out of himself, and the media loves it. I’m personally sick of it, but then I just dedicated my longest paragraph of this newsletter to the guy. Someone stop me before I do this again!

My brother and I honestly debated whether or not to mute the Bronco game and listen to the radio while we watched. The reason we had to discuss this? Two words: Dick Enberg. Honestly, he’s the most annoying play-by-play guy on TV. It doesn’t matter which sport, he just has a knack of pulling inane facts about players from literally nowhere. "And it’s a first down for the former pro beach volleyball sand raker! Oh my!" Fortunately, NBC actually let the Navajo Network play-by-play announcer call a few plays. I didn’t understand a word they said, but it was better than, "now the 1989 4th-place finisher of the 3rd-grade, tri-county chess tournament can add a blocked punt to his resume!" Whatever!

Speaking of the Bronco game, there were rumors during the bye-week that Jake Plummer should be considered for NFL MVP. Coming into today’s game, Jake and Raider QB Kerry Collins had identical TD-INT ratios – 12-3. Jake had not thrown an INT in 6 straight games, and Collins threw one last week (otherwise he’d have a better ratio). Today, Jake is 13-3, and Collins is 14-6. I remember laughing in the pre-season when someone said Jake could be MVP of the league. Now I’m not laughing. But I am grinning!

I have a new favorite entertainment magazine called GIANT. It's a monthly publication, so it's not as timely as EW. However, I kinda like the features a little better. Except for one - a feature called That Ain't Right. TAR shows a one-hit-wonder artist and tells you the classic albums that the loser outsold. For instance, Billy Ray Cirus' Some Gave All (yep, the one with "Achy Breaky Heart") outsold Led Zeppelin I, And Justice For All (Metallica), Bridge Over Troubled Water (Simon & Garfunkel), Achtung Baby (U2), Pump (Aerosmith), Off The Wall (Michael Jackson), Blood Sugar Sex Magic (Red Hot Chili Peppers), The Cars, Janet (Janet Jackson), and Wish You Were Here (Pink Floyd). There's your depressing start to Monday morning. You're welcome!

OK, I need to make a small addendum to the Primetime Hotties article. I didn’t realize that Julie Bowen was back on primetime TV, because I don’t watch Boston Legal. So here’s a pic for ya!

Friday, November 11, 2005

I'm SOMEBODY!

OK, if Derek is going to brag about getting THIS attention, I'm gonna do the same.

Burning Abigail (excellent local band) is the Band of the Month on the Grateful Web. I wrote up a review of one of Burning Abigail's shows a few months ago, and the Grateful Web linked my article and blogs!

I almost feel important!

Thursday, November 10, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 11/10/05


I have to say, when this whole Terrell Owens thing ends, I’m gonna miss it like herpes in remission. His agent, Drew Rosenhaus, is the biggest a-hole in sports. I think every client he has would be wise to fire him and get a new representative. When Clinton Portis hired Rosenhaus, Shanahan traded him. When Rueben Droughns hired Rosenhaus, Shanahan traded him. So you see a trend here? I loved the reporter that asked Rosenhaus, "Besides getting TO suspended, what have you done for him?" Rosenhaus responded with, "Next question." Do you know why? Because he KNOWS he’s done nothing but destroy TO’s career and the Eagles’ season! The more athletes that dump him, the better. And congrats to the Eagles for moving on.

Rafael Palmeiro won’t be charged with perjury. Apparently, pointing your finger at the Supreme Court and lying like a rug means nothing. Phillies’ pitcher, Ugueth Urbina, was formally charged with attempted murder finally. He allegedly helped a few men pour gasoline on people and try to ignite them. Oh, so THAT’S not legal. Baseball has weird rules!

But we were SO CLOSE! My old joke has been: why do all the TALENTED and good celebrities die in horrible disasters and crashes? You know, like Stevie Ray Vaughan, Lady Di, etc. How come we never hear about a bus crash involving a crappy boy band or something? All I can say is ALMOST! Paris Hilton was in a minor fender-bender and it made the news. Next time, I want blood. Seriously. I don’t want to hear about it until there’s a graphic under her picture with a beginning year and an ending year. This is my dream, and you’re all invited.

Now I know why women take forever in the bathroom, and why they go in pairs! Apparently a pair of Carolina Panthers cheerleaders held up the potty line in a Tampa Bay nightclub. As Bill would say, they were "bumping uglies" and got into a fight with another girl that dared to interrupt. Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go. And I’m not sure which girl I’m referring to here.

There’s been a drunken moose sighting! Seriously! In Sweden, two moose, drunk on fermented apples, ran amuck through an elderly home this week. Somehow, nobody got hurt, but Ol’ Joe told the story:

"I tell ya. Way back when, Willie used to go up that hill there. Heh. He’d go up there and Willie would take a piss right there on that tree. Well, one day, that tree, she just broke right in two. HEH-HEH-HEH! Yep, that’s why they call him Bill."

Flat chested women can sometimes get a little desperate. Not that it should matter, but sometimes they go to extremes to stuff. For instance, there is a woman in Florida who stuffed a live bird into her bra. Actually, she was simply trying to steal a rare parrot. However, there’s nothing like flapping boobies to get a guy’s blood rushing.

The Chinese have built a fuzzy bra. If I wore this, you’d never be able to tell.

While we’re over there, Japan has created biodegradable socks made out of corn! That’s right, corn. A little butter and salt, and I might be eating really expensive socks!

And I thought Denver schools were bad! A man in jail in Riverside, California just won the school board election. Hey, all child molesters behind bars deserve another chance, don’t they? Actually, he’s just a wife abuser and drug addict, so, no big deal.

He saw dead people – now he’s fired. A security guard in Iowa has been fired for claiming to see ghosts on the job. It wasn’t such a big deal until he claimed the ghost was Abe Vigoda, who is somehow still alive. Fish was just outside the building asking for a drink. Not water. I also hear Iowa has great mushrooms.

Here’s why I gave up coffee! A woman in Iowa (what is up with Iowa?) found a dead baby turtle in her Folgers coffee. Mmm – minty!

Here’s why I don’t own a Mercedes. (OK, so it’s ONE reason!) An ostrich escaped from its pen and beat up a Mercedes. If I spent all my dough (HAHA!) on a Mercedes and some stupid ostrich did some damage to it, it would be ON!

Two pandas wed in Thailand. Adorable rating: 9.5. Interest rating: 5.2. Hotness rating of office women that search for pictures of this event and use it for a screen saver: 1.7.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

New Links!

OK, I've added a BUNCH of new blogs and a new web site on yer right. Check 'em out and leave some comments for them!

Saw II


Is there anything better than a Donnie Wahlberg sighting? I mean, think about the characters he’s played: nut-job in the Sixth Sense, nut-job in Dream Catcher, nut-job in New Kids on the Block… OK, so Wahlberg doesn’t quite play a nut-job in Saw II, but he is a bit creepy as the officer trying to track down the same killer from the first movie.

Saw II starts off where the brilliant Saw left off. There is a deranged man (the Jigsaw Killer) "teaching lessons" to those who do not appreciate life. He’s up to the same tricks of giving people a choice to live or die. In the opening scene, a peeping Tom has a "death mask" device attached to his head. There is a key to unlock the mask surgically inserted behind the man’s eye. He has to make a choice: cut out his eye (giving up on his peeping ways) to retrieve the key, or die when the mask springs across his face like a bear trap. What will he do?

Ah, I’ll let you see the movie for the answer to that. I guarantee no matter which way he goes it’s not pretty.

In Saw II, Jigsaw has kidnapped a group of people and locked them in an abandoned house. The house has a deadly nerve gas coming through the vents, but there are antidotes hidden and a way out. The group simply needs to work together and figure out what they have in common and what the combination is to a safe that holds the antidotes.

There are a few things that are a bit too convenient in this film. For instance, one person that has been kidnapped has escaped the Jigsaw Killer before. Another is the son of the police officer played by Wahlberg. Also, one decides he doesn’t need any help and he can get out himself. Little secrets of their lives are slowly revealed and, even though I thought I knew what was going on, their thread is not what you’d expect.

Much of the movie is a face-to-face conversation with Jigsaw and Wahlberg’s character, officer Matthews. Of course Matthews is emotionally involved as there is a video feed in Jigsaw’s hideout that shows Matthews’ son in the house of death. Matthews and his posse (ya know, because he was in NKOTB!) watch as people die and/or go crazy trying to get out of the house.

I like a scary movie that thrills a little, makes you feel squirmy and uncomfortable, and has a good twist at the end. Saw II accomplished all 3 to some extent. Not quite as good as the first one, but certainly better than most crap that has come from Hollywood this year. Also, there aren’t many things creepier than that puppet on a tricycle. Great nightmarish character!

3.8 out of 5!

Jarhead “Welcome to the Suck”


Welcome to the suck, eh? Well, I wouldn’t quite say the film sucked, but I did have a few issues.

Jarhead is the adaptation of Marine Anthony Swafford’s book about being sent to the Gulf War. Essentially, you are seeing the story of one man here, not a full war movie. "Swaff," played by Jake Gyllenhaal, describes his thoughts about other armed forces, members of the Marines, his girlfriend back at home, the entire Marine experience from boot camp to heading to the desert. The term "Jarhead" refers to the brain of a Marine – empty and ready to be filled/brainwashed by the military.

Here’s what I liked about the film. It’s not a war movie per se as it’s not very violent at all. Mainly you’re seeing what becoming a Marine does to a person – how it shapes that person for life. The story shows how excited Marines get about the kill, and how crushing it is to not have the chance to do their duty in the time of war. You see, Operation: Desert Storm was pretty much won in about 3 hours thanks to the Air Force. This was excruciating for Swaff’s sniper partner in a very disturbing and climactic scene. There were some very real moments in the film as you could feel the pain of being away from loved ones, the camaraderie amongst the individuals spending months in the desert together, the sickening feeling of innocent people being killed*, and how easily people can warp young minds into behaving certain ways.

What I didn’t like about the film was probably the pomp. How to burn the feces in the latrines with diesel fuel is only for dramatic effect. Also, according to Swaff, all a Marine thinks about is masturbating and killing. I think the story would have been good enough without the "let’s throw some controversial stuff in" simply to make the audience gasp. We pretty much already got it – joining the Marines is an insane thing to do, even without getting to burn the poop or masturbate all day.

Gyllenhaal is pretty good, but Peter Sarsgaard and Jaime Foxx are exceptional in supporting roles. I think people who are currently protesting the war in Iraq would learn a lot about why we are there, which is to eliminate Saddam and liberate Iraq, simply by seeing this film. I’m not going to get too political – in fact, I myself was starting to question what the heck we are there for right now. However, my interest has been rekindled and my support renewed. It’s not really a Republican or Democrat thing; it’s about trying to assist people who want to live free of dictatorship. Heck, if it can get ME to think about a political issue, it can’t be that horrible of a film.

3.5 out of 5.

* There is a scene where the Marines come upon a torched traffic jam of cars and busses – every vehicle and person fried beyond recognition. One Marine says, "They were trying to get out." However, there is no indication whether the Iraqis killing their own people or the US did the damage. This honestly kept me awake that night.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Primetime Hunks?!

So, after my Primetime Hotties article yesterday, my lovely wife decided she wanted to give the girls a little eye candy. Hey, I have no problem with that! We shall proceed on a day by day basis starting with Monday (for a reason that will become evident at the end of the list). So, without further ado, here’s the Katy Angello list of Primetime Hunks:

Josh Radnor (How I Met Your Mother)

Jonathan Togo (CSI: Miami) Takes the place of Rory Cochran who was killed off at the beginning of last season.

Adam Rodriguez (CSI: Miami) Even though his character can be an ass, he’s still easy on the eyes.


Jason Lee (My Name Is Earl) When he’s not playing Earl, he’s pretty good lookin’!

Julian McMahon (Nip/Tuck) He really is just beautiful. (FYI, these words are directly from my wife…)

Matthew Fox (Lost) Loved him on Party of Five, worship him on Lost!

Naveen Andrews (Lost) The only thing that made the English Patient mildly watchable.

Gary Sinise (CSI: NY) Lt. Mac/Dan has titanium space legs and one hot ass!

Mandy Patinkin (Criminal Minds) Allo –my name is Inigo Montoya… Sure he may be in his 50’s, but he’s still got it in my book.

Peter Gallagher (The OC) He was a super-hunk in Summer Lovers, and has only improved with age.

Gary Dourdan (CSI) In my opinion, the finest-looking black man currently on TV.

William Fichtner (Invasion) Sure he’s a little creepy, but it piques my curiosity.

Peter Dinklage (Threshold) The hottest dwarf EVER!

Rob Morrow (NUMB3RS) Fell in love with Dr. Joel Fleischman. What can I say? I’ve got a thing for a big-nosed Jew!

James Denton (Desperate Housewives) He’s just nice to look at.

And the reason for starting with Monday was so my grand finale could be…

Patrick Dempsey (Grey’s Anatomy) Appropriately nick-named "Dr. McDreamy." If you haven’t seen him since his role in Can’t Buy me Love, you’re missing out! Patrick grew up guuuud!

Please feel free to comment and add your own candidates!

Monday, November 07, 2005

Primetime Hotties!

OK, this could be about the dumbest thing I’ve put on this blog, but a conversation last week kinda led me to it. So, we were discussing women on TV. It seems that they all have to be attractive to some extent, but there are some that have a little something extra. A few women stop you dead in your tracks – it honestly takes you a few seconds to comprehend that they are actually speaking because they are just stunning. So, because y’all know I love a good list, here’s a list of my favorite prime time hotties (in alphabetical order by show):

Portia Di Rossi (Arrested Development) Funniest slut on TV.

Marg Helgenberger (CSI) Not sure what it is, but she’s simply captivating.

Emily Procter (CSI: Miami) My wife’s same-sex girlfriend.

Anna Belknap (CSI: NY) Love the petite, sassy brunette.

Eva Longoria (Desperate Housewives) Sure she’s a skank, but she dresses like one too – bonus!

Teri Hatcher (Desperate Housewives) Cute and sweet.

Lauren Graham (Gilmore Girls) It’s a little sad for the teenage daughter on the show when her mom is 10 times hotter.

Kelly Ripa (Hope & Faith) She simply does it for me.

Lisa Sheridan (Invasion) A bit rugged, but still very cute.

Evangeline Lily (Lost) Anyone that can look like hell for an hour and STILL be gorgeous…

Maggie Grace (Lost) Sure she’s a dumb bitch on the show, but she’s purdy!

Nikki Cox (Las Vegas) She had me at Unhappily Ever After

Jaime Pressley (My Name is Earl) Funniest redneck EVER!

Nadine Velazquez (My Name is Earl) Subtly gorgeous.

Gabrielle Union (Night Stalker) Best looking (insert politically correct term here) girl on TV.

Jenna Fischer (The Office) Gets cuter every week.

Mila Kunis (That 70's Show) She’s a whiney bitch, but irresistible.

Laura Prepon (That 70’s Show) How can you not love a tall, full-figured redhead (or blonde)?

Carla Gugino (Threshold) Must be the full lips!

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!