Thursday, September 29, 2005
We went to the last home pre-season game for the Avs tonight and had a blast. Sure we lost in a shoot-out, but it was still fun. GOD I missed hockey!
I have 3 points:
1) Alex Tanguay had at least 3 penalties - does he think he's Forsberg now?
2) Anyone who doesn't like Brad May on this team knows NOTHING about hockey. People went nuts when he scored. When his name was announced, there were some boos by idiots. But when he got into a little scruff, people went nuts again. I don't think the bad feelings will last long.
3) Can someone PLEASE explain the trapezoid rule for goalies to me? I was under the impression that they could not play the puck outside of that zone. However, I saw goalies wandering outside it all night. Sometimes it was just to stop a puck that was cleared into their zone - OK. A few times they played the puck and passed it up to a defenceman. The first time was on a power play, so I assumed it was legal on the power play. However, the next time was during regular play. I simply don't get it.
4) I need to sell my Avs tickets! I have 2 seats, section 354, row 5, seats 3 & 4 that go for $34 each. I need to sell the Nashville game on 10/12 and the LA game on 10/19. If you want them, email me at email@example.com.
Oh, and CLICK HERE to get into the fantasy hockey league! It's free, and you can win stuff (from me)! HURRY - the season starts on 10/05 - HELLS YEAH!!!!
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Rod Smith is the MAN! It doesn’t really matter if you are a big football fan or not; an undrafted wide receiver hitting the 10,000-yard mark is pretty incredible. So incredible that Rod is the ONLY WR in NFL history to do so. Plus, he never showboats, or talks trash, or calls people out in the media. THIS is the kind of guy who should be getting all the headlines on ESPN, not people like Terrell Owens, Randy Moss, and Chad Johnson. Rod Smith is an inspiration and a roll model for kids playing sports – a true professional!
Quiet, 99 – my shoe is ringing! Sadly, the great comedic actor Don Adams has passed away. Best know for his character Maxwell Smart, the buffoon of a secret agent on the TV series “Get Smart,” Adams was certainly a brilliant mind. Cause of death was a lung infection, but I think this next headline might have killed him as well…
Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are fruckin’ MARRIED! Hearts are breaking across the country. OK, maybe just Bruce Willis’ heart. Sorry, but Kutcher is such a dope, and Demi could pretty much have anyone she wants. So why this, ya know, dope?
How can we stop this thing from reproducing? Donald Trump has knocked up his new(est) bride, making this the 5th spawn of his seed. Are there not enough people with bad hair in this world already?
Sometimes living next to circus freaks is a GOOD thing! Two trapeze instructors in NY saw a guy drowning in the Hudson River and went to work, saving the guy’s life. The man was very grateful, but didn’t really want to have them over for dinner to show his appreciation because, ya know. “Maybe we could meet somewhere? I’ll buy you a cup of Joe…”
There was no competition! Muriel Saunders, a 71-year-old woman, was named homecoming queen at Northeastern State University in Oklahoma. It was pretty obvious she would win because her only competition was Carrie Underwood, winner of American Idol. Saunders said, “Yeah, and she didn’t deserve that either! My man Bo was ROBBED! Besides, I’ve survived cancer, which is much harder than getting criticized by an ambiguously gay Englishman.”
You are what you is… A defense attorney is fighting to keep his client’s nickname from being used during a trial. Demetrius “Scuz” Fiorentino is charged with the shooting death of Joel “Wellz” Taylor during a botched drug deal in a Pennsylvania crack house. I think being called “Scuz” is the least if this guy’s problems! Besides, friends and witnesses (who have always known the guy as “Scuz”) start to giggle every time they try to say “Demetrius.” Do you think it was an accident he ended up with that nickname?
Who plans these marathon routes anyway? A marathon in Illinois was interrupted twice by freight trains. The former mayor even pulled his pickup on to the tracks to stop a third train from disrupting the race. Fortunately, the train was able to stop before hitting the pickup. Maybe next year they can go a different way, or even start the race at a different time! Doi!
Watch out! It’s the attack of the killer reindeer! No, really! A couple in Finland was literally ambushed by a reindeer! A simple hike turned into a B-grade horror movie. I think I need this on a T-shirt. Collin?
Dumb criminals are the BEST! This guy tried to carjack a vehicle, but was frustrated after realizing the car had a manual transmission, which he never learned to drive! HAH! Working in the car business, I ALWAYS tried to get parents to buy a stick shift for their kids’ first vehicle. I gave the “what if they were at a party and nobody else could drive and the only vehicle available had a stick” example. Apparently it comes in handy when carjacking a vehicle as well. I honestly got an email from a customer once that wanted ONLY a stick because the “primary driver (a term NOBODY outside the car business uses) could not drive an automatic.” OK, so I called the bluff, but the “customer” swore that the “primary driver” could not put enough pressure on the brake pedal to get the car out of park. This “primary driver” should be a “constant passenger” in my book! How would they bring the car to a stop? Scary!
So, why can’t you import live piranha? An inspector of shipments in the Philippines was checking a box when a piranha jumped up and bit him on the finger. The box actually contained 34 piranhas, but was confiscated and the fish later died. Then, in scathing irony, the inspectors dined on the dead fish for happy hour!
In America, your dreams really DO come true! Just ask Moses Bittok, a former Kenyan. Right after taking the oath to become a citizen of the US, Bittok bought an Iowa lottery ticket (apparently a tradition) and won almost $2 (remember, million is always implied in lottery winnings – and the number of Elvis fans that can’t be wrong!). Stinking, lucky, opportunistic immigrants!
And in some places they make fake emergency landings with a jet full of passengers just to watch a soccer match. However, for THIS game in Costa Rica, there were more people on the field than in the stands. Literally, attendance was 19 total people – all for the opposing team! That’s almost like going to a Rockies game these days. For a team that was first in ticket sales in all of major league baseball seven years running, they are currently 24th. See how easy it is to destroy a team by spending money poorly? I remember when Coors Field was built. A wise man (aka Wyman) was ticked off – said the money should go to Denver schools. Five years later, Denver ranked 48th out of 50 states as far as education and nobody could figure out why. Let’s see, one plus one equals…
Ah, more dumb criminals! After getting arrested for breaking into a store, a man in WV busted away from the cops and jumped in the river. However, his hands were cuffed behind his back. It’s kinda hard to swim that way! He somehow managed to get back to shore right about the same place he jumped in. So, he added “fleeing deputies” to his list of felonies. Sounds like the name of a country band, Fleeing Deputies.
The rising gas prices (which are actually LOW considering inflation, and compared to most other countries, but go ahead and complain) have people doing just about anything. Someone in CO made off with $400 in fuel this week. But this guy might have been up a little too late to make his heist. A man in Indiana fell asleep while siphoning gas into a large tank in the back of his van. And the fuel there was only $2.67, something we’ll never see in the Denver metro area again I’m sure.
WHO GOES THERE? The South Korean government is spending 33.4 billion in defending their border with robots. The dogs are out, and robots are in for drug sniffing and checking bags. I can’t wait to see a robot sniff.
Be careful who yer flashing! A man in Germany jumped out from behind the bushes and flashed a woman who was walking her dogs. This woman didn’t scream and run away like he had hoped. Instead, the female off-duty cop called for backup, sending the pervy scrambling back into the bushes. He was later caught and arrested for indecent exposure. That’s why I only flash children
I’m TOTALLY kidding!
I only flash old people.
NO – kidding again!
Be nice to your children! Otherwise, they will do what this 18-month old did – run yer ass over! Mommy left the keys in the car, and Jr. started it, threw it into reverse, and ran over Mommy, 4-year-old sister, and pinned grandpa against the barn door. Is it a coincidence that the kid is named Damien?
Oktoberfest is a time for beer, brats and porn! Wait a second… Apparently people at the Munich Oktoberfest didn’t expect a porn shoot in the cabin of their Ferris wheel, but that’s what they got. Can you imagine? How uncomfortable would that be? Actually I just wrote about this story because I wanted to use the word porn again – get my “gay porn” hits back up.
Still probably the best women for the job! Police in Pakistan are investigating how two dead women won elections last month. These women have been dead for YEARS, but still managed to beat their competition. Which makes me wonder if Ted Kennedy is really still alive.
Monday, September 26, 2005
I know most of you are out on Friday and Saturday night, but there are a few things worth setting the DVR for on the weekend. Oh, and Sunday has a few standards for us as well!
7:00-8:00: It’s all about WWE Friday Night SmackDown! OK, just kidding! I also refuse to give ANY WB sitcoms a chance. The only decent one they ever had was Grounded For Life, which they signed after FOX dropped it. Stinkin’ FOX! So during this hour you can watch 2 crappy (or should that be “too crappy?”) sitcoms on the WB (What I Like About You and Twins), wrestling, stupid reality show Super Nanny, or Dateline NBC. Wait, there’s also The Bernie Mac Show and Malcolm in the Middle on FOX. Not horrible. Has anyone tried the Ghost Whisperer on CBS yet? Jennifer Love Hewitt is such a bad actress she couldn’t call in sick to work, so I think I’ll probably pass.
8:00-9:00: I really want to see Threshold on CBS, but I keep forgetting to record it. I know Susan has seen it and likes it, but I cannot give an opinion yet. I do get a kick out of Peter Dinklage, and I highly recommend the Station Agent on DVD! You can also waste this hour watching horrendous sitcoms on the WB (Reba and Living with Fran) or on ABC (Hope and Faith and Hot Properties [premiers next week]). In case Super Nanny didn’t fulfill your need for reality TV hell, try Three Wishes on NBC! Also, there is a show called Killer Instinct on FOX, which I have not seen or heard anything about. So, if I were you, I’d go with Threshold simply because Dinklage is the best dwarf actor around. Seriously! And the IFC shows (Hopeless Pictures, Greg the Bunny and The Festival are still pretty solid – especially the Pulp Fiction episode of G the B!) are worth a look if nothing here excites you.
9:00-10:00: We really enjoyed NUMB3RS last season. The show didn’t get as predictable as I expected it to, and Peter MacNicol is one of my favorites (although his role is a bit limited). As soon as you get used to Rob Marrow (Northern Exposure) playing an FBI agent, you’ll start enjoying the show. 20/20 is also on during this timeslot, as well as a new drama called Inconceivable (“you keep saying that word…I don’t think it means what you think it means!”), a show is about couples trying to have kids. Not sure how you can create an entire series about this subject, but I haven’t watched yet so I’ll hold back on my judgment.
Nothing but repeats, sports and bad movies on during Saturday prime time. You can catch up on a few series this night, which is good if you have nothing to do, or watch Cops and America’s Most Wanted on FOX like the rest of white-trash America.
7:00-8:00: This isn’t a bad hour of TV, but there’s nothing here that I feel like I absolutely can’t miss! Charmed is on the WB (I’ve only seen it a few times and I don’t hate it), Cold Case on CBS (again, watched it once or twice and it was OK), Extreme Makeover Home Edition on ABC (you know how much I love reality TV! Um, I don’t!), The West Wing on NBC (I have no interest whatsoever in this show), The Simpson’s and The War at Home on FOX (Simpson’s should hang it up about now, and War at Home just kinda blows). I’d really rather watch the beginning of whatever NFL game is on ESPN.
8:00-9:00: Desperate Housewives wins. I record Family Guy (because it always kills me – always!) and Extras (new Ricky Gervais show on HBO – see review below) at this time and watch them later, but the Housewives are what it’s all about. American Dad is just not that fun, and Blue Collar TV is absolutely pathetic. Those guys are good at stand-up, but the sketch comedy is just plain bad! You can also catch Law and Order or a bad movie on CBS.
The new sitcom from Ricky Gervais, the mastermind behind the BBC version of the Office, is perfect! Gervais plays Andy Millman, an extra trying desperately to be an actor with the “help” of his spaced out agent. He hangs with the other extras in folding chairs and is star struck when he actually gets to interact with the big-time actor starring in the film. The reason this show will work and have some staying power is because Gervais is just as pathetic as he was on the Office. He is so painful to watch and listen to sometimes that you just want to grab him and scream, “Stop talking!” I love that uncomfortable feeling, and Gervais is fantastic at taking everything 3 steps beyond everyone’s comfort zone. Though Extras is not a fake documentary (like the Office), you still feel a real connection with Andy. However, the best part of this show has to be the guest celebrities! Sure there’s only been one episode (if you look, I’m sure HBO will be repeating this episode throughout the week), but Gervais can really get his guests to pull out all the stops. Kate Winslet was in the first episode – she played herself playing a nun in a movie about the Holocaust. Why? “Because movies about the Holocaust equal Oscar!” She also gives romance advice to an extra whose boyfriend likes to talk dirty on the phone. What a great and altruistic performance by Winslet as she destroys any thoughts people may have of her and sacrifices it all for the sake of comedy! Do NOT miss this show, especially if you were a fan of the Office!
4.5 out of 5!
9:00-10:00: We somehow got hooked on Grey’s Anatomy last year – still a pretty solid show. Crossing Jordan isn’t bad either. I have heard nothing but great things about Veronica Mars but I have yet to see it. We will probably use this time to get caught up on Family Guy and Extras if we are not watching Grey’s Anatomy.
So, what are YOU watching???
Friday, September 23, 2005
My prime time TV snobbery continues…
7:00-8:00: My wife used this time slot to watch the midnight run recording of Nip/Tuck from the night before. The show is just a bit too harsh for me, but she’s all caught up in it and loves it. I was watching the season 1 in review of Lost (on before the season 2 premier) upstairs when my wife reported that she understood why Nip/Tuck was on so late the night before. It was pretty much porn! (Third post in a row with the word “porn” in it!) But I still stayed with the Lost wrap up and worked out on the elliptical trainer. So what’s worth watching during this hour in the future? Pretty much nothing! America’s Next Top Model is pathetic; Still Standing and Yes, Dear are horribly written sit-coms; George Lopez and Freddie can’t any better; I refuse to give the Apprentice: Martha Stewart any of my time; One Tree Hill will put me to sleep way too early; and So You Think You Can Dance is appalling! Another bad hour of TV!
8:00-9:00: It’s all about Lost! The season premier was absolutely the best hour of TV I’ve seen in YEARS! I don’t know how they do it, but this show gets better and better with more twists and turns and weird happenings that come from nowhere every damn week! There really is no competition at this time slot!
OK, there is one show we may tape while watching Lost, and that is Criminal Minds – mainly because it stars Mandy Patinkin. Patinkin plays special agent Jason Gideon, an expert at figuring out how serial killers think. He’s been on leave to recover mentally from an incident six months earlier, but gets coaxed back to the force. Pretty generic I know, and it TOTALLY reminded me of Man Hunter! Gideon works with a team including Aaron Hotch (Thomas Gibson – Greg from Dharma and…) as the team lead, Dr. Spencer Reid (Matthew Gray Gubler) as the nerd, er, a baby-faced genius, Derek Morgan (Shemar Moore) as the token black guy, er, an “expert on obsessional crimes,” and Elle Greenaway (Lola Glaudini) as the token woman, er, “an agent with a background in sexual offenses who is motivated by her own unsolved assault years before.”
Not a bad show – certainly worth watching again. This actually premiered on Thursday, but will be on opposite Lost on Wednesdays.
3.5 out of 5!
9:00-10:00: We will most likely watch CSI: NY during this time, but this week it was a repeat so we tried Invasion!
Have you seen the movie Invasion of the Body Snatchers? Then we’re pretty much done here.
Invasion is about aliens falling to Earth in the midst of a hurricane – good timing! Sensitivity aside, the lighted pods land in the swampy water and take over humans one at a time. A little kid is the only one to see the lights, and reports them to her loser uncle. The day after the hurricane (amazing how quickly Florida recovers!), the little girl says, “Mommy – you smell different.” Yep, mommy is an alien. Cool. Whatever. Kind of boring actually. Maybe it was because Lost just completely blew me away that nothing could hold a candle to it, but I was really not that impressed by the show. Maybe we’ll try it a few more times.
3 out of 5.
7:00-8:00: My wife is all about the OC. I don’t mind the show, actually find myself enjoying it whenever I watch it, but I don’t love it. I may try Everyone Hates Chris some time just for fun, but have not seen it yet.
8:00-9:00: CSI, boi! Not sure why I suddenly like this show after hating it about 5 years ago, but I really enjoy it. KT has also watched Reunion – she likes it, Bill hates it, I haven’t seen it.
9:00-10:00: Without a Trace follows CSI and it works for me. I never got into ER, and Primetime doesn’t excite me. It kinda wins by default.
Friday and Sunday coming soon!
Thursday, September 22, 2005
An old school in Indiana has been turned into a swingers club. Residents of Muncie thought the place was abandoned, but now they are freaking out. The place used to be used as a bingo hall, so they should have seen this coming, if ya know what I mean.
Nothing like a sexy librarian, is there? Some librarians in Wisconsin have created a sexy librarian calendar. Large books, such as Harry Potter and Treasure Island, were used to cover their private parts in the pictures. There’s nothing like mixing children’s classics with slutty librarian porn.
I only used that line to see how many MORE porn hits I get. There – I said it again! Porn, porn, porn!
There’s nothing good on TV, or is there? Would you really want to watch a guy take heroin on TV? Well, Filemon Wesselink of Amsterdam thinks people do, and he’s just the idiot to show them how it’s done. Yeah it’s illegal and dangerous, and of course people are freaking out. In fact, he’s just trying to bring in the young crowd. Um, for what? I’m totally watching!
You got SERVED, yo! Looks like the dumbest movie of the century has created more dance-off competitions, this one ending in a brawl and arrests! I think I just need to cut and paste – thank you AP:
Sep 21, 10:23 AM (ET)
WICHITA, Kan. (AP) - One person required stitches and a mother and son were arrested after two drill teams began brawling during an impromptu "dance off," Wichita police said.
"This is a whole new arena" of crime, said Wichita police Lt. Jeff Easter.
The Dynamic Steppers, a Wichita drill team, were practicing routines Saturday night when members of another drill team, the White Tigers, showed up and challenged the others to a "dance-off," police said.
When the challengers appeared to be losing, a woman struck a 17-year-old Dynamic Steppers drummer in the face with a drumstick, Easter said.
The teen, who had left the White Tigers to join the Dynamic Steppers, punched the 28-year-old woman in the face. He then ran toward his Ford Explorer and tried to run over spectators, witnesses told police.
The boy's mother, who is a Dynamic Steppers coach, grabbed a box cutter and sliced the other woman's right arm, Easter said. The wound required eight stitches.
An estimated 50 people became involved in the altercation, although only two were facing charges on Monday.
The mother was booked on suspicion of aggravated battery for cutting the other woman, Easter said, and the son faced charges of simple assault and aggravated assault. More charges are possible, police said.
Whatever happened to good old-fashioned gang violence?
Not that I have to tell you this, but soccer fans are FREAKS! An entire jet with 240 people faked an emergency landing so the passengers could watch their nation’s team play a soccer match. That’s great! Good use of government funds!
It’s a little ripe in here! A Frenchman continued living with the body of his dead mother so he could collect her pension. For 5 years! He even imitated her voice to trick social services. Guh, bleh, blechy!
I was just waiting for this to happen. A woman scheduled to go on a makeover show is suing the show. She feels that they tricked her sister into saying something about the woman being ugly. The sister then felt very bad and committed suicide. The woman was then rejected from the show. It was just a matter of time.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
OK so fall TV is back on track. I’m in the middle of figuring out what to watch and when, so here’s my own personal look at what’s on TV with a few reviews from Monday and Tuesday!
7:00-7:30: Of course I had to start with Arrested Development, the best sit-com on TV right now. It took the season premier a few minutes to get going, but the biting sarcasm and innuendo classics started hitting like gunfire relatively quickly. Still an A+ show!
7:30-8:00: Now we had a dilemma. Kitchen Confidential and How I Met Your Mother were on opposite each other, so we recorded Kitchen and watched Mother. Here are quick reviews.
Nothing like Doogie Howser getting back into TV. This show started with a narrator speaking to his pre-teen kids in the year 2025, explaining the night he met their mother; hence the title. The show is a flashback to 2005 and Marshall (Jason Segel) is asking his friend and roommate Ted (Josh Radnor – the narrator) how he should go about proposing to his girlfriend Lily (Alyson Hannigan). Ted decides to get out of the apartment and hang with Barney (Neil Patrick Harris). On the phone, Barney tells him to meet at the bar and “suit up!” Ted gets to the bar and Barney is in a suit. Ted is not. Barney’s little joke about always wearing a suit wears a little thin in 22 minutes. Anyway, Barney listens to Ted whine about Marshall getting engaged – Ted feels he’ll never find the right woman. To get Ted to shut up, Barney keeps playing a game called, “Have you met Ted?” Basically, he grabs a girl, says that line, and throws Ted at them. The first girl ends up being the bartender’s girlfriend, but the next one is Robin (Cobie Smulders) and it’s love at first sight. She’s a small story journalist for a local news station and has to leave town in two days, so they set up a date for the next night. Unfortunately, she has run off in the middle of their date to do a breaking news story, and Ted didn’t kiss her. His friends jump all over him for it, so he finds himself back at her door in the middle of the night suited up with his pals waiting in the cab for him. Things are going great until he tells Robin he loves her, and she freaks. Nope, he never did kiss her.
The show wasn’t bad, but I didn’t love it. Apparently Robin is NOT their mother, so there is much more to come. The thing that killed this show was the canned audience. Either film before a live audience, or have no reaction to the jokes so we can make up our own mind what is funny or not. I’ll give it another chance, but it’s still up in the air.
3 out of 5!
Jack Bourdain (Bradley Cooper, “Wedding Crashers”) is recently out of prison and working in his girlfriend’s restaurant. He gets a call out of the blue to run the kitchen of a top NY restaurant. He convinces his old chef pals to join him so he can have the best kitchen in town. However, he didn’t realize that he’d be butting heads with Mimi (Bonnie Sommerville) the owner’s daughter. Of course opening night is chaotic, including one chef losing a finger in a critic’s food, but they somehow come out smelling like roses. However, the new gig costs Jack his girlfriend. Mimi wants Jack to fail to the point of sabotage, but not enough to ruin her father’s reputation.
The characters are relatively funny, but a bit thin. I’m not sure how far they can stretch the premise. I mean – they already used the “lost finger in food” gag in the pilot! Where do you go from there? Maybe I don’t want to know the answer to that. At least there was no fake audience!
3.5 out of 5!
8:00-9:00: Honestly, nothing here excites me. We ended up watching Family Guy I recorded last week. Las Vegas isn’t a horrible time waster for this hour, but I’d almost rather write and wait for the 9:00 hour.
9:00-10:00: I know Horatio is a cheese ball, but he’s an entertaining cheese ball. CSI: Miami it is!
7:00-8:00: Seriously, go for a walk or something. Bones sucks, The Biggest Loser and America’s Next Top Model are reality TV hell, NCIS is BORING, and According to Jim is just plain stupid. Maybe the Gilmore Girls, but it doesn’t do much for me. We actually spent this time watching CSI: Miami recorded from the night before. Hey, I was going on 3 hours of sleep and went to bed early on Monday!
8:00-9:00: OK, here’s another dilemma! You’ve got House on FOX (which I really like) and My Name is Earl followed by the Office on NBC. Solution – record House and watch the other 2!
House was as good as always. You love the guy and hate him at the same time. The Office was also pretty good, though it’s nothing close to the original. It’s different than the original, but it still is decent comedy!
What can I say – I’m a sucker for Jaime Presley as trailer trash! Earl (Jason Lee) is a loser criminal married to Joy (Jaime Presley). The marriage occurred after a night of drinking and a trip to Vegas. Joy was actually 6 months pregnant by another man, but Earl was too drunk to notice until the next morning. He stuck to his word, and they had another kid who came out as black as coal. It seems Joy spread, uh, joy to many men other than Earl. Earl, Joy and Earl’s brother Randy (Ethan Suplee) hang out at the crab shack, owned by Darnell (Eddie Steeples), who is black ironically! One day Earl wins $100K in a lotto scratcher! He dances in the street and is immediately hit by a car. He loses the ticket, but ends up in the hospital. Joy walks in with Darnell in tow and hands Earl papers to sign. Earl unknowingly signs divorce papers and Joy walks out with Darnell, the youngest kids father. Earl takes the news surprisingly well, still saying, “See ya crab man!”
As he sits in the hospital, Earl finds wisdom in the immortal words of Carson Daly. Carson claims his own success is due to being a good person. “What goes around comes around.” Earl has a revelation that bad things happen to bad people so he must change immediately! He makes a list of all the bad things he’s done in his life and decides to attack them one by one. There are over 200 items on the list. As he is picking up trash in the motel parking lot (he used to litter a lot – its on the list), Earl’s lotto ticket finds its way back into his hands. He knows this thing called karma that Carson Daly invented is real!
The first item on the list he decides to attack is to be nice to a kid he bullied growing up. How hard can that be anyway? Find the guy, apologize, and tell him you want to help him. Earl finds the geek Kenny (Gregg Binkley) and observes him for a few days. Earl realizes that Kenny has no friends and no girlfriend, so he wants to find him a companion. Actually, he thinks he needs to get Kenny laid. Earl finds his favorite trashy hooker and has her visit Kenny. She walks out 10 minutes later because Kenny wouldn’t bite, “I even pulled out my good boob near the end there,” she explains. Followed by Randy, Earl storms into Kenny’s house, bringing back horrible memories for Kenny. As Earl confronts Kenny, Randy stumbles upon gay porn in the nightstand drawer. No wonder Kenny didn’t bite on the good boob! Earl and Randy slowly back out and run away; they have never been “face to face with a gay before.”
Earl says special circumstances are his way out of helping Kenny. He gets back to the motel, and Joy is there to hit him over the head with a phone. She saw the article about Earl winning $100K and she wants half. This is just another epiphany for Earl to realize he MUST help Kenny! As soon as he decided not to, something bad happened. So Earl goes back to Kenny’s and ends up taking him to a gay bar. Earl has restored Kenny’s confidence, and Kenny tells him that he can be scratched off the list.
OK, I expected a lot of this show and it delivered pretty well. Funny lines and goofy characters abound, but I’m not sure if it can stand the test of time. Rolling Stone magazine gave it a quick and crappy review claiming comedies about people trying to go straight simply don’t work. Well, it worked for me. Sure 200+ episodes (assuming they do an episode for every item on the list) is lofty, but episode one produced some classic quotes. I can’t even tell you how many times I’m going to use the “good boob” line! Reminds me of Beth quoting Tardy Turtle as she was in the hospital to have a baby, “my bed has rails!” Classic lines are hard to find, so I will certainly watch again! However, since my brother and I are married, we can’t call “dibs” when we see a hottie.
4 out of 5!
9:00-10:00: Nothing to see here really. We’ll be using this hour to watch whatever we recorded during the 8:00 hour.
Gimme a few days and I’ll write up Wednesday and Thursday!
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Monday, September 19, 2005
KT and I headed out to North Carolina to visit Billy, Bethie & Logan this weekend. We came into a little extra cash (refund for medical bills actually) and my wife was amazing enough to take me to see some of the greatest people we know. Is she the greatest wife ever or what? Far and away the greatest wife I’ve ever had!
We headed out early Friday morning. Had to drop the puppy off at the kennel and then hightail it to the airport. KT was smart enough to print our boarding passes, and we only took carryon bags, so no waiting at the ticket counter – we headed straight to security.
Everything went smoothly in Denver, and we were even a bit early getting to Dallas for our connecting flight to Raleigh. Besides, we only had to walk 2 gates away to get to the next plane. However, the flight was overbooked and they were looking for volunteers to give up their seats. KT immediately went to the ticket counter, much to my dismay. I am just a very structured person and like to stick to schedules. However, when KT reiterated that we would only be delayed by 2 hours getting to our final destination, and the airline was giving us $600 in vouchers to take an extra plane and only be 2 hours behind schedule, I stopped complaining. That was more than the entire trip cost! Bill and Beth were very understanding, so it worked out really well.
We headed to Austin about 45 minutes later. Timing was still good! Heck, we even had time to eat a little something! Not bad, considering our arrival time was about 20 minutes before the next plane was scheduled to load!
Ah, the next plane! This thing was a bit creepy! It was small (only held 34 people) and rickety. It was also snowing inside. Some pieces of frozen condensation kept dropping on me and I had no idea what they were at first. The seats were nice, and the legroom was a bit better than the bigger planes, but it made a TON of noise and was a little shaky. I’m not a big fan of shaky planes!
Bill was waiting to pick us up and he shuttled us to his house. NC reminded me a little of Pennsylvania at first – many trees and very pretty. I understand now when people from the east coast say we have no trees in Colorado – it’s because we can literally see for miles here. In NC, there are trees everywhere (in my mind) blocking your view of the rest of the city. See what happens when you grow up here?
Their house is very pretty – classic southern architecture with a front porch and high-pitched roofs. Everyone has an attic, and there are no basements. Bill and Beth’s house is sensational with wooden floors, a screened in deck in the back, and instant access to the forest in the back yard.
I also have to say that finally meeting the young (10-month-old) Logan for the first time was a thrill. Sure the kid looks almost exactly like his old man back in the day, but he’s still a beautiful kid. I guess that’s what happens when you have great-looking parents!
After a quick tour of the house, Bill began working on dinner for us. He made pork loin, salad, veggies, homemade applesauce, and (forgive me for not knowing the proper name here) a rice dish with mushrooms. They even purchased Mike’s Hard Lime for us, as we’re kinda wimpy drinkers. And then it was revealed – the famous Bitter Buffalo Century Hot Sauce! This is Bill’s own homemade hot sauce and it is HHHAAAAATTTTTTT!!! Holy shamoley! It’s called “Century Sauce” because it’s made with 100 habaneros! It keeps your mouth ablaze for a good 45 minutes and really must be attempted in very small doses. And, as Bill warns, it will get you again later, if ya know what I mean…
Great dinner conversation slowly escalated to X-Box trash talk between Billy and myself. Soon the ladies went to bed and Bill and I went at it in NHL 2K6. Many battles went on until about 1:30 (Bill also shared some of his favorite other games with me, but it’s all about the hockey and has been since 1992) with some evenly played games and some ridiculous blowouts. The new shootout rule is F-U-N!!!
The next morning, Bill made some great eggs (over-easy) and they were willing to share bacon with us. The bacon in NC has the rind still attached and it gets really crunchy and crackly when it cooks. It’s almost like bacon pop rocks! But boy is it good – KT and I sure do love the piggy!
After breakfast, Bill and I discussed the CD in the new issue of CMJ that I was reading in the potty. For those of you who don’t know, CMJ New Music Monthly is a magazine that comes with a CD each month featuring cool bands. I used to subscribe, but I got frustrated with their inability to deliver it in a timely and consistent manner. The new magazine had some cool bands I wanted to hear, so we popped it in. I was really impressed by the new single by Gogol Bordello - enough so that I needed a trip to the record store, which is kind of a tradition when Bill and I see each other. After all, we met by working in a record store together.
We all hung out for most of the day, snacking on cheese, pickles, olives and sausage (KT’s version of the four food groups – do these two know us or what???), and then we headed down to Oysterfest in downtown Raleigh. After a nice scenic drive, we hit the block where Oysterfest was taking place. We thought we were an hour late, but actually nothing had started. This meant no cover for us (woo-hoo) so we slid over to a bar and grill called Ri-Ra’s. After a couple of drinks and appetizers on the porch, Beth’s parents and aunt showed up. We had some great conversation on top of the horrendous cover bands that butchered about every typical frat-party-bad-cover-band-song you could contemplate.
Bill then directed KT (she was driving since Bill and Beth were drinking and I forgot my wallet – but it was her twin Equinox so no biggie) to a frozen custard place near their home.
The boy (uh, Logan, not Bill – well, kinda Bill) was getting a little fussy (it was pretty late, but he somehow managed to nap during that horrible music) so we headed home to put him down. However, we did decide that Mexican food would be the best bet for the evening. So, after dropping the ladies and baby off at home and taking orders, Bill and I went to the local Mexican restaurant that the Purdy’s enjoy. Now, you may be wondering if you can get decent Mexican food in NC. The answer is a resounding “HELLS YEAH!” I know Colorado has great Mexican Food (even though I feel Hacienda Colorado is the equivalent to Casa Bonita – at least Casa Bonita has Mexican people working there – I will never understand the infatuation with Hacienda), but I have to say I was very impressed with the place we went to for Mexican take-out. I ordered chili rellanos (that came in an order of 3) smothered in green chili. These guys added spiced ground beef to the chili rellanos and did not batter the chili in anything. They were hot and spicy and incredible!
The night concluded in a very similar fashion as the night before – the ladies were smart enough to go to bed as the dumb men stayed up playing video games. It was pure bliss!
The next morning, Bill again threw together a great breakfast of French toast. Oh, and that bacon again! It was not a low-fat weekend, but why else do you go on vacation?
After breakfast and showers, the boys and girls split up to do separate shopping. The ladies hit the mall, and the men went to the record store! Like I said – it’s a tradition!
The independent record stores are what it’s all about. Best Buy will work for major label releases, but the good stuff can only be found at the mom-n-pops. As we entered, there were some crates full of “just-make-these-go-away” CDs. I started digging and found a few treasures. There was a Beatles tribute, a Kiss tribute (that I used to own but traded in a long time ago), a Dead 60’s EP, an odd Madness CD, and – the find of all finds – a promo of the new Gogol Bordello CD! So what if it had no booklet, the SOB was $1.99! Bill found it “on sale” for $10.99 in the regular bins. I also located a used copy of a tribute to Megadeth that I’ve always wanted. 7 CDs for about $21.00 totally made my day.
Bill then took me on a scenic route to a greasy burger joint that was incredible! As we scarfed, some hillbilly was trying to read the “Top 11 Things You Can Spell With The Letters in ‘Gerard Patrick Angello’” list on the back of Bill’s PAFC T-Shirt. It was truly comedic! We then headed home and watched a little football while we waited for the ladies to come back.
After the girls returned, KT and I made sure we were all packed and ready to head home. It was a great weekend, but I was pretty worn out from lack of sleep and incredible food kicking my literal ass! However, Billy was kind enough to give me a jar of the Sauce!
Bill took us to the airport and we headed straight to security – again with the boarding passes printed and ready to go. While I’m here, let me just commend the security staff at Concourse C of the Raleigh/Durham airport. Great senses of humor and having fun at their job – honestly!
We got to our gate and saw that the plane to Dallas was delayed about an hour due to mechanical issues. Um, that wasn’t going to work for us because we had a connecting flight that would have been gone before this plane landed. So, the very nice woman behind the counter scrounged up tickets for us on a different airline (America West). It didn’t leave until 9 PM (the original flight was scheduled to leave at 7 PM getting us back in Denver by 11:30 PM), and it went to Vegas first. That’s a 5-hour flight. We were now scheduled to be back in Denver by 2:30 AM! We had a puppy out of the kennel and waiting for us, so we decided this was the best choice for us. However, we needed to walk over to Concourse A for America West. Let me commend American Airlines right here for being so cooperative and helpful for us!
After a few questions for directions, we ended up on Concourse A and at the America West ticket counter. The woman printed our passes and directed us again to security. These guys were just as friendly! In fact, they were a little too friendly. We were randomly selected to go through additional screening, but they made it sound like we won some wonderful prize. “You have just been selected to go through additional security screening! YAY!” This just basically meant a search through our carryon bags and a little wand action, if ya know what I mean. For the record – the Bitter Buffalo Century Hot Sauce can legally be taken out of the state of North Carolina.
We finally got away from security and went to our gate. I paid close attention to the bottom line scroll during the Packers/Browns game to make sure my Broncos somehow pulled a victory out of their bums, and they did. We each had a personal Godfather’s Pizza (something you can no longer get in Colorado), and then waited to board the plane.
I have to say, 4:45 is a L O N G time to be on a plane. Guh!
Welcome to Vegas! I have just four semi-brief observations about our 90-minute stay in Vegas:
1) Can you no longer feed individual quarters into the slots? Am I just dumb? Maybe the quarters feed right next to the “25¢” sign and I just missed it. I dunno. Maybe I was just really damn tired!
2) Some dude in the men’s room was tossing cookies. We’re talking guttural heaving that could be heard a good 50 feet outside of the bathroom, and Vegas is a loud place. It was cool!
3) Weary travel affects everyone. We stood in line at Burger King and hit a delay. Some girl’s credit card would not swipe, and the Asian woman (who spoke stereotypical broken English) kept asking if the woman had another card to try. The woman did not and stormed off. The girl in line behind her tried to offer to help pay, and even chased the woman down. Now the woman was back in front of the cashier demanding to speak to a manager. (Meanwhile, there are about 50 people in line behind her wondering what the holdup is.) The manager approaches and the woman with the bad credit card suddenly turns into an audience member in the Rikki Lake show. Her hand is on her hip, she’s shaking and contorting at her neck, and she’s doing a horribly racist impression of the poor Asian cashier: “Dis car no work – do yu haf anotha?” Finally girl number 2 gets her to chill out and buys the food. I am in my typical grumpy sugar-crashing mode trying to stay calm.
4) How can only one hour in an airport make you stink like smoke? Seriously – I got on the plane and could smell it all over my hands. Nasty!
Alas, we finally got home and got to bed at 4 AM. I went to work on 3 hours of sleep, but lasted most of the day. VERY tired to say the least!
Our puppy was a little nervous and basically had a diarrhea accident in my brother-in-law’s car, as well as destroying his jacket. OK, she NEVER gets like that. We haven’t kenneled that dog in years, and this really surprises me. Now I feel awful, but I blame Mallory for being out of town and not taking the dog in like she sometimes does when we leave town. OK, I don’t really blame her. I just can’t wait to see what that interior detail bill will run me!
Thursday, September 15, 2005
It’s a BOI! Britney and Kevin had their baby this week. The kid was born with a cheesy goatee and a tattoo over his behind. No name has been announced, but I’m guessing they will name him Asparagus.
Because her last name is Spears…
This is fantastic! It’s a video of 5th graders performing DEVO’s “Whip It” video! If you don’t know the video, it’s cute. If you DO know the video, it’s frucking brilliant! Seriously made me cry! Thanks Collin!
It’s mayhem I tell you – MAYHEM! An older gentleman in CA dragged an old sailboat up from the bottom of the Newport Harbor. He spent years restoring the boat, only to have it destroyed and sunk by sea lions this week. Since May, sea lions have been showing up in the harbor and destroying things, including the $24K boat, and barking all night. Dang – it’s almost like living in an apartment! I really wish I could see video of the sea lions destroying the boat. I’m picturing ninja sea lions doing flying kicks into pillars and yelling, “hiiiiiiiiiiiii-YAH!”
I miss being in Nebraska! A woman in Kearney was just arrested for selling pot out of her home, which she also ran a day care out of! However, since a Colorado chess instructor was just busted for sexually harassing children, I guess I don’t miss Nebraska that much!
Soon to be the rage in trailer parks and ghettos EVERYWHERE! Forget the cheesy flowers and fake stones painted on your nails, ladies. A new technology in Singapore can now paint actual photos on your nails! This blog would get more hits if I could translate this paragraph into Spanish!
Dude, am I trippin’ or did that marijuana plant just ride off on a bicycle? Some guy in Oregon snatched 3 pot plants and tried to pedal away on his bicycle. Note to potheads: police cars are faster than bicycles! He was stopped around 5:40PM (not 4:20PM) and had a big smile on his face.
OK, no more Mountain Dew for me! A man in FL urinated into a bottle of Mountain Dew belonging to a customer. At least the color is a match, but why would you even consider doing this? The customer became violently ill, and lawyers are concerned the employee might have a sexually transmitted disease. WTF?
Speaking of sexually transmitted disease, a man in Denver is suing Bonfils Blood Center. He was hired as a phlebotomist but reassigned to lab work when his manager learned he has AIDS. His reassignment makes complete sense to me! And what exactly does he want in the lawsuit? Can you imagine the lawsuit against Bonfils if the guy pricked his finger while drawing someone’s blood and passed the disease on? Guh!
Yes, Germans ARE serious all the time! In fact, they are no longer allowed to smile for their passport pictures! There is a new facial recognition system that cannot match features properly unless the person has a neutral expression on their face. Seriously! Thanks, terrorists!
It’s a bridal party rumble! Several members of two separate bridal parties in NY are in jail for being involved in a brawl. The best man in one party was mistaken for the photographer (missing) from the other party. He confirmed his true identity by starting a huge melee. The brides were just a tad upset that their big day was ruined by a couple of meatheads. The divorce rate in NY is about to escalate…
Wow – my principal in high school couldn’t even run! A kid went streaking through his high school wearing nothing but a gorilla mask, until the principal chased him down. Next week on the OC!
Not quite a miracle! The wife of an archbishop in Nairobi has been arrested. The archbishop claims that his prayers bring “miracle babies” to those who cannot have children (because God knows there aren’t enough unwanted children in Kenya!). However, these babies don’t really fall from the sky – his wife steals them! What a heavenly duo!
This is really mean actually! There is a new online reality show in Croatia starring sheep instead of people. You can visit a website and decide which sheep stay and which sheep go. Those voted off are eaten; the winner receives poetry in its honor. This show will also be coming to Wyoming, but it will star both sheep and people and only be available if you are 18 or older.
Speaking of sheep. Italians are again allowed to bet on the Miss Italy contest, upsetting the contestants. “Hey, I heard she played a mean harp so I laid a twenty on her. What?”
Feeling a little possessed recently? Attend the exorcist convention! Pope Benedict welcomed Italian exorcists to the Vatican City this week for a convention to discuss the correct formula for exorcisms. Why, that’s enough to make your head spin!
I love it when armed robbers are pansies! Two restaurant owners used tables and chairs to scare off armed robbers in Germany. Were they wielding water pistols?
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Hockey is officially BACK! WOOHOO! Training camp started today, and the boys are back on the ice with pre-season games starting this weekend! Now, if you want to learn anything about hockey as far as the new rules and who to select for your fantasy hockey team, I have never seen any site as in-depth and simple to read through as the one put together by the Opiated Sherpa. Take a minute or so to look around and you’ll know you’re in the right place. The guy knows his stuff, even though he’s a Canucks fan!
Hopefully, football equipment is getting better. Terry Long played on the offensive line for the Pittsburgh Steelers and recently passed away at the age of 47. Doctors believe his death was related to an abundance of head injuries suffered during his football career. Just when I start bitching about what a bunch of overpaid babies these guys are, something like this comes up and I realize how seriously dangerous this sport really is!
And now for the most boring polo match ever! I’m sure watching polo played on horseback is exciting, but when the players are riding pachyderm, I’d rather watch bowling. Except if the elephants were bowling! Hey, that’s Xtreme sports right there!
Can a brotha get a minute? Imagine watching America’s Most Wanted with your brother and suddenly his mug appears on the screen! It happened to Nicholas Cerino of NY. It seems his brother Mark is wanted for scamming money from victims of last year’s hurricane in Florida. What a lovely man!
Yummy! A school in Japan is serving rice topped with whale curry. Sounds great, but I wonder if they serve whale eggs?
Some of these are just between my wife and me.
If only April Fools Day were drawing near! A guy in OH had a great idea – have police call his sister and tell her that their mother was dead. That is BRILLIANT! Wait, no that’s just plain mean! Anyway, if you want a REAL April Fools Day joke, click here!
Suddenly I miss Dick Trickle! The Cornwall Record Office in London is compiling a list of odd names. No, Pat Angello isn’t on it! However, Moxie Crime Fighter should be. Speaking of, the Pat Angello Fan Club is #2 on Google searches for Moxie Crime Fighter Gillette!
Wow – talk about a cake job! There is an actual rat catching department in the New Delhi government, but they haven’t caught a single rat in 10 years. Apparently the little bastards are all over the city, but the department merely lets them run around while collecting a paycheck. Heck, it’s the American way. Wait!
Get out of the car BEFORE you run from the cops! A drunk driver in Australia jumped in the backseat of his car when police tried to pull him over. The car was still in gear and moving at the time! The car eventually slowed down enough for a cop to jump in and step on the brake, but not before one passenger panicked and jumped out of the back seat. Is this a prime candidate for Australia’s Funniest Home Videos?
OK, living in Zearing Iowa really should be bad enough, but now the residents have a real compliant. There is a truck washing company stinking up the town by cleaning out livestock trucks. The stench is so bad that residents are complaining of watery eyes and nausea. So, move! Your house is probably on wheels already!
Speaking of stinky, at least this is cheaper than oil! Residents of a small town in Indiana are in the process of turning heaps of pig manure into fuel for their cars and homes. Nothing better than a car that can run on poopy!
What a great idea! A cell phone store employee downloaded amateur sex films from phones in the store for repairs. Then he compiled them and sold the videos! Are camera phones the decline of Western civilization?
And now the adventures of Samurai Restaurant Robber! A robber in FL walked into a grill, unleashed a samurai sword, and sent condiments flying! He made off with $32 and fled in a green minivan. I didn’t know samurai warriors drove minivans!
Now THAT’S a football player! An Australian professional football player has been having issues with pain in his finger since he broke it three years ago. His solution? CUT IT OFF! Brett Blackwell rationalized his decision by saying, “I love my footy (football), and love playing sport, and if that's going to help me to succeed at this level then it’s something you’ve just got to do.” And Maurice Clarret missed almost all of training camp because of a slight groin pull! Poozy!
Now THIS is love! A girl in India married her lover’s older brother (her lover is too young to legally marry) so she could be in the same house as her lover. However, he wasn’t allowed to go on the honeymoon. The best part? She’s going to take half of his brother’s stuff in two years when they divorce!
Monday, September 12, 2005
OK, first you may be asking, “Why would Pat Angello waste time on a concert review for a band from the 70’s that only has one original member in it?” Then you’d probably say, “Where (and what) the hell is Hudson Gardens?” Let me start with the second question.
Hudson Gardens and Event Center is located in Littleton Colorado along the Platte River. Entrance is off Santa Fe just south of Arapahoe Community College. It’s basically a nature park with many flowers and other types of gardens on a beautiful landscape. Also, it has a small stage/venue for concerts.
I was in the car last week on the way to the bank when I heard Mike Evans on AM 950 the Fan say, “OK, here we go… (“Juke Box Hero” began to play)… Caller number nine right now will get a pair of tickets to see Foreigner in concert.” So I called. And I called again, and again, and again. Busy, busy, busy. I got to the point where I said to myself, “OK, three more tries. Two more tri- whoa! It’s ringing.” A guy answers on the other end. I ask if I’m caller number nine, and he says yes! SWEET! I won! I was so excited; I had to tell the bank teller!
Now, I’m not a HUGE Foreigner fan by any means. I’ve never seen them live before. However, just hearing “Juke Box Hero” before I tried to call in to the radio station got me pumped up. Besides, I can’t even tell you when the last time I personally ever won a call in contest like that!
We got to the Gardens and waited outside to enter. You could hear the sound check, and they sounded pretty good! Hudson Gardens is an odd venue – it’s a grassy hill basically. Fortunately, before we left, we were informed that there were no seats so we brought a folding love seat (isn’t that cute?) instead of having to sit on the grass (which was covered in goose poop). We picked a spot on the right side of the stage, close to the grill (of course).
Now, it’s kinda hard to get too excited about a band that hits the stage at 6:30 PM. It’s still light out, and the stage lights have little effect. Granted they still used their typical introduction, but it lacked excitement as it was designed for a dark venue.
All I have to say about the performance is “Holy CRAP!” I was blown away at the talent of the band, and recalling all of the songs they played! You know them all yourself: “Urgent,” “Cold as Ice,” “Head Games,” “Feels Like the First Time,” “Hot Blooded,” “Juke Box Hero,” “Double Vision,” “Dirty White Boy.” You got each and every song in your head as you read them, didn’t you? Of course – because they are all really great hooks that you can’t forget!
There were a few other songs they played, but KT and I spent a lot of time debating on if the singer was in fact Lou Gramm. I knew it was Mick Jones on guitar, but the singer had a little too much energy to be in his 50’s. Turns out, just Jones, guitarist/sax player Thom Gimble, and keyboardist Jeff Jacobs were in Foreigner before. So they added bassist Jeff Pilson (Dokken!), drummer Jason Bonham (yes, THAT Jason Bonham – the son of John Bonham from Led Zeppelin), and singer Kelley Hansen. Hansen sounded damn close to Gramm, and he was all over the place – jumping up on the speakers and running through the crowd. Hansen is also a Colorado native who grew up near Cherry Creek. I immediately looked through old yearbooks when I got home (just in case he went to Creek), but no dice. Still, a pretty impressive lineup and an odd but cool local tie!
The crowd was a little out of it for a while. Appreciative, but sitting the whole time. Then “Urgent” started and people were up for the rest of the show. Bonham had a great solo along with Jacobs, which turned into “Juke Box Hero.” In the middle of the song, the band broke into Zeppelin’s “Whole Lotta Love” before returning to “Hero.” I love when bands do that stuff! Also, about every song had the typical, 70’s band, long ending with tons of strumming chords and cymbal crashes until the lead singer jumps and lands on the last crash. Just plain fun stuff!
The encore was cool as poo! They came back out and Hansen announced that it was the 25 year anniversary of John Bonham’s death. To celebrate and honor Jason’s father, the band played an incredible version of “Misty Mountain Hop!” They just jammed on it for about 15 minutes. After, they brought it down a little with “I Wanna Know What Love Is,” and then finished strong with “Hot Blooded.”
For free tickets, I could not have enjoyed myself more. What a great show, and how cool to see Pilson and Bonham in this band. Check out their website to see if they are coming near you, because I highly recommend attending!
Sunday, September 11, 2005
I know this is mean! But, when a radio station has a contest for models and they select women that look like this, I just find it comical! I’ve seen better looking women at a software convention. Go ahead – call me shallow. Then go look at the chickies on the web site and try to argue with me! I guess I just expected models to not be average looking – especially when they are hand-selected!
Was it worth it? Nothing like a little insurance fraud – like $9 million worth! A couple in NC purposely destroyed their crops and blamed Mother Nature. Father Karma caught up to them and now they have to pay back the dough and spend 4 years with Uncle Murderer in jail.
Check out the new hot college chick! Humboldt State’s new female review kicks off with 93-year-old Marion Koffords. She the most eligible freshman and all the sororities want her in their flock! The guys dig the blue hair, and are swooning over her mothball scent. Rumor has it she’s available, and likes to eat dinner before 3:45.
So, I guess it really does kill brain cells! A man in MI reported his safe as stolen. When it was recovered, police found 200 pounds of pot in it. It ain’t exactly jewels, but it’s gotta be worth something!
This is why my wife won’t let me get a pet monkey! A pet monkey escaped its home, chased a 12-year-old boy into a house, and then bit the boy on the butt! Now my wife will have nightmares of a monkey chasing her! His name is Chompy!
Prostitutes can get a little cranky! This ol’ ho got mad when a new civic leader, God forbid, started cleaning up the neighborhood and attracting new people. Why, that means it’s harder to hook and make drug deals! How DARE he make that place worth living in! It was hurting her “business” (isn’t that illegal?) so she burnt his house down. Even though she had 83 prior convictions for prostitution, drugs, robbery and bail jumping, she has NEVER BEEN TO JAIL! Now she gets 30 years for arson. With 83 prior convictions she’s still walking the streets – literally. What a lovely judicial system we have!
CSI is a cool show – especially if you are a criminal! Looks like the SMART criminals are using what NOT to do by watching CSI. This reminds me of how local news channels like to go in-depth about how people can break into your house or car. They really think they’re doing you a favor so you’re prepared. But if you miss it and the bad guys see it, well then its “thanks for the tip” for the wrong people!
I was originally picking the Broncos to go 8-8 this year, but, after today, I think that’s optimistic! 4-12? I can also tell it’s gonna be a long year for me on the Pick ‘Em! Anyway, I will post the group standings on Tuesday. For now, it’s off to see Foreigner!
Thursday, September 08, 2005
It’s boys against the girls? It looks like 8 guys and 8 girls are signed up for the PAFC Pick ‘Em – SCHWEET! I will post standings every Tuesday for ya.
Is it just me, or does that pic remind you of Devo's "Through Being Cool" video?
And now for the dumb news.
Don’t go braggin’ when you get back to the house! A group of male inmates won a gardening competition in Vermont. I first thought this meant they’d get beaten when the other inmates found out, but these guys actually grow most of the fruit and veggies the prisoners eat. Man, Martha REALLY had a positive effect on jail!
There is a school in LA that offers mule training. (Insert “smart ass” joke here.)
Lecter? Damn near killed her! An ex-convict with AIDS has been sentenced to 13 years in prison for attempted murder for spitting blood and trying to bite police officers and psych staff members. He was literally brought into the courtroom in Hannibal-type restraints. It rubs the lotion on its skin; it does this whenever it’s told!
OK, maybe it did kill her! A drunken woman in Belgium had an unfortunate accident while walking home through a cemetery. Somehow she managed to have a large grave stone fall on her, and she suffocated trying to lift it off. Reminds me of a Dr. Phil-ism, “Like my momma always said: make sure you mow the lawn before you try to eat cabbage.”
Crikey! A girl caught a pet alligator with a technique she learned by watching the Crocodile Hunter on TV. Apparently the 2-foot long pet escaped and came swimming down the river. Nicki put on her pith helmet and grabbed the gator by its snout. No boys will ever date this girl.
You wanna dance wit me, eh? A ballroom dancing couple got into a fight and literally tried to kill each other. She claims he choked her, he said she tried to kick him in the, well, let’s just say that’s not the kind of ballroom dancing he had in mind. The guy was drunk and accused the woman of cheating on him. But he sounds like such a great catch!
Haven’t they seen Super Size Me? Two guys tried to break into a McDonald’s last week. They walked up to the drive-thru window and asked if they could have the food that was about to get thrown out for the evening. The manager said the restaurant was closed, which made the two me try to climb through the window. OK, if you want food that’s about to be tossed, at least hang out at a steak house or something – not McD’s! Wait – they are in Wyoming! I know a great rib place there!
Maybe this isn’t the right job for this guy. A police recruit in New Zealand was arrested for an unsolved assault case when he was printed during a training exercise. And I thought car dealerships would hire anybody!
Do you believe? There is a lawsuit in FL because restaurateurs are refusing to move into a building claiming it’s haunted. The landlord has brought out a $2.6 (remember, million is always implied in frivolous lawsuits – and increased record sales when you get caught lip synching!) lawsuit after the offer to hold an exorcism was refused. BTW, I can’t wait to see the Exorcism of Emily Rose! Yeah! Maybe the ghosts can help clear the tables?
How’s your breakfast so far? A restaurant in China advertised selling tiger meat, which is illegal. It was found that they were actually selling donkey meat in tiger urine. There are SO many Asian delicacies that I just don’t understand!
You know how much I love my Nazi chocolate! Unfortunately, the Nazi’s actually created chocolate bar grenades. If the terrorists really wanted to get us, Starbucks sleeves would be a good hiding place!
So, how did your cabbie look today? Beijing is cracking down on cabbies that are bald, wear their hair too long, have facial hair, or wear too much make-up. Heck, in NY that could all apply to the same dude! Don’t people EXPECT their cab drivers to look a little odd? It’s almost a disappointment if they don’t! That’s like an episode of Happy Days without the Fonz saying, “AAaaaayyyyy!”
Sometimes I’m so proud to be from Denver! This man lost it on his flight into DIA and punched a flight attendant. Some men on the plane wrassled him down, beat the crud out of him, and bound him with duct tape. Police found the guy in the back of the plane lying in a pool of blood and saliva. Dude, NEVER cause a scene on a plane after 9/11 – NEVER! Duh!
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Ya know, the Denver Broncos were the ONLY team in the NFL without a loss this pre-season. And the Colts didn’t win a single pre-season game! And by week 8 you’ll realize why that doesn’t mean dinky-doo! However, if you think you know so much about football, go ahead and join the Pat Angello Fan Club Pick ‘Em on AM950 the Fan. Click here for details and instructions! It’s FREE and you could win some cool stuff, including a PAFC custom T-shirt for the group winner! Hurry – games start Thursday, 9/8/05 and you must be signed up and submit your picks by 7PM MST on that day!
No means NO! “I said I didn’t want a lap dance and that’s final! Whoa, settle down there. Put the knife away – Aarrggghhh!” A stripper literally stabbed a customer when he refused a lap dance offered by her. Aw, she just wanted to show off her new tattoo above her bum! I wonder where she pulled the knife from? Was she in the circus?
Speaking of crazy women criminals! This girl was cuffed in the back of a police car and still managed to get her hand on the trigger of a policeman’s gun. Let’s see: a prostitution charge, or a prostitution plus murdering a cop charge. Which would be better, hmm?
Because a girl I work with LOVES bugs, a man in Britain found a HUGE venomous centipede in his house! He thought it was a rat at first, but then it downed a beer and two slices of pizza. “The rats don’t care for beer actually.”
Whales will be ruling the earth soon. Some are actually strategizing on catching seagulls! They regurgitate fish, sink down in the water, and wait for the seagull to take the bait. Then the whale will rush to the top and snatch up the seagulls and dinner is ON! This is not to be confused with the East German Olympic Female Synchronized Swimming practice.
At least she’s got an entrepreneurial spirit! A woman decided to charge people for parking cars in a lot nearby for Marshall University football games. Unfortunately, the lot didn’t belong to her! Hey, it’s good money if you can make it work!
In the dumbest bet ever to get publicity, a batboy (batMAN is more appropriate as the “kid” is about 18 years old) took a dare from a professional baseball player that he could drink an entire gallon of milk in an hour without throwing it up. The kid got suspended by the league for gambling! I see eBay in this kids future!
I said I’ll drink my coffee wherever I damn well please! A guy in Chicago got upset about restrictions on WHERE he could drink his cup of Joe at the metal finishing plant he works in. And that was the last straw! He went so loopy that he basically poisoned the office coffee pot with urine and lead acetate. Needless to say, many employees were puking their guts out, and someone needs to switch to decaf!
OK, I’ve been a little bored in the middle of the day, but never THIS bored! This man doused a police cruiser in gasoline and lit it on fire – right behind the police station. He suffered some burns and was caught (obviously) and cops still don’t know why he did it. I think it was a dare: either this or drinking a gallon of milk in less than an hour – he was lactose intolerant.
If ya can’t stand the heat, then pay yer rent! A landlord in MO cranked up the heat on a tenant because the tenant was late on rent. However, the tenant refused to pay rent until the landlord fixed the air conditioner, stove and refrigerator (all of which were not in working order). Judge Judy?
In Dar Es Salaam, Tanzania (my wife likes to call it “Dar is a Slum because, ya know, it kinda is) a 50-year-old man fought off a lion while his two friends stood there and yelled for help. “Yeah, big help guys! Don’t worry about me; I’ll fight off the lion myself. You two just stand there and yell for a while.” Time to weed the garden if ya know what I mean!
And you thought Dr. House had a bad bedside manner! A doctor in Tokyo basically beat up his elderly female patient when she started to thrash around on the operating table, asking him to stop before the anesthesia was administered. Just like Dr. Greenmeanie!
Totally big brother! Hooligans are stuck at home, and a computer chip is making sure they stay there. In Amsterdam, there is a new technology that calls convicted hooligans at home just before a match starts. The phone call uses voice verification to make sure the hooligan is still home and not at the game doing hooliganism-like activities. Hooligans!
Darwin Award Nominee! This woman saw a spider in her house and, because using hairspray to kill it wasn’t enough, torched the arachnid with a lighter held up to the can of hairspray! Wouldn’t you know it? The house caught on fire and burned to the ground. The insurance man LAUGHED!
OK, this is kinda yucky! This guy is making bread in the shape of body parts. OK, don’t be a pervy; these are arms, legs, hands, and they look creepy. I don’t really want to eat a giant hand.
What’s really important? A 40-year-old man in Malaysia was about to jump to his death as people pleaded with him not to. They told him to think about his wife and kids, but the thought of losing his job had just about done him in. Until someone pointed out that he left his dog in the car, locked it, and put the windows up. The dog was suffocating. So he got down to save the dog. Screw the family; the dog is worth living for!
Don’t jinx the guy! A man in Missouri will turn 100 on 9/20/05 – and he still drives a car and goes bowling. I’m pretty sure we got stuck behind him on the way back from the Dells!
I am a very light sleeper. Not this guy though! He literally slept on a railroad track as a train cruised right over him. People couldn’t even pull the passed out drunken bastard up off the tracks after his oblivious near-death experience! At least he wasn’t driving.