Sunday, July 31, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 7/31/05


When hippies collide!

What some people would do for their 10-year-old crappy car! A man in CA told police his 4-year-old niece was in the back seat of his 1995 Camry when it was stolen this week. He hoped it would trigger an Amber Alert so the car would be found quickly. He was lying as his niece was not in the vehicle when it was taken. If I was going to steal a car, I wouldn’t be wasting my time on a 10-year-old Camry. I’m not sure if the guy that stole the car is dumber than the guy reporting his niece was in it so the cops would find it quicker!

How romantic! 112 couples were married in a mass ceremony in Syria. Something tells me that my mother-in-law wouldn’t let us do that, unless she got to plan the whole thing for everyone!

Danish police thought they were saving the day when they ran off to break up a street fight. However, they neglected to see the lights and cameras that were filming the street fight scene for a movie. Nothing like paying attention to detail. I’d love to hear these guys give an eyewitness testimony!

A little league umpire in MA barred a team from speaking Spanish while playing, thus costing them the game. The team is made up of mostly Hispanic children that don’t speak English very well, but the ump thought they were planning illegal activities. How? What could they possibly do illegally in little league baseball? Were they discussing ways to beat steroid tests, or how to mock their birth certificates?

In IA, a 46-year-old man was arrested for stealing panties, bras and socks from a laundry room in his apartment complex. And you thought the dryer ate them, when actually it’s just some perverted guy in IA! Maybe he’s the dryer fairy!

An art museum in Austria is letting naked people in for free. After going to some art exhibits around town here, I’m not sure I want to see that really!

Do you know what really burns the butt of Kathleen Williams from KS? Apparently that would be the toilet seat at a local Denny’s! Ms. Williams claims cleaning fluid left on the toilet seat burned her tush! Actually, it was pure heroin spilled by a biker gang on the way to “Take Your Biker Babe to a Game” night for the Royals.

The KS state lottery is running ads referencing two towns as boring. How could ANYPLACE in KS be boring? Really! No wonder they are offended! I mean, they’ve got a Dairy Queen for the love of George Brett!

Ooo – largest ball of twine in the world!

A worker in the returns department for Country Home Products was a little shocked when he opened a box that a bush trimmer was returned in as it had 5 kittens inside. “I thought Axl Rose was in concert for a second, but it ended up being a box of cats!”

This is my kind of woman! Robbin Doolin of Kansas City opened her car door to spit (nice!) and fell out on the highway. She ended up chasing after her speeding car as it ran down a hill. Nothing turns me on like a spitting woman! If I wasn’t already spoke fer…

Jesus Christ – look at that tree! People are flocking (like the sheep they are) to Bosnia to see an image of Jesus on a freshly cut tree branch. This dude is getting around! I stepped in gum the other day. When I got home, I pulled my shoes off and looked at the sole (or should I say “soul”?) and the dirt around the gum on my shoe looked JUST like Kenny Loggins. I was ready to put it on eBay for a minute there!

It has recently been reported that Michael Jackson sought medical help after his trial this year. Now, if we can just get him to go for the psychiatric help!

Who is Michael Moore’s next victim? HMOs! Apparently the HMOs are instructing their employees to not say anything to Moore when approached by him. Why should they? They are in a no-win situation! No matter what they say, he will turn it into something negative. He’s already proud that he’s got them “discombobulated” before even shooting any footage. Too bad nobody is doing a REAL documentary on HMOs so we can actually learn something.

OK, here comes another hockey rant:

I watched some highlights on Altitude from the last 9 Avalanche seasons and I’m ready. Drop the damn puck! This is the best sport ever! There have been so many amazing highlights in this town, and just about anywhere hockey is played, that I simply can’t wait. Watching Joe Sakic hand the Stanley Cup to Ray Bourque so he could raise it above his head first – that just doesn’t happen in any other sport! There is more respect for other players in this sport than any other. They are the best athletes in the world, and they work harder than anyone to get where they are. Not for the money, but for the love of the game. Any other sport is about the money. Jeremy Roenick might be a jerk sometimes, but when he says it’s not about the money, I believe him.

Speaking of money, this week should be incredible with multiple free-agent signings around the league. There are a few teams with a ton of money to spend, and then there are the Avs. Assuming that all 14 restricted free-agents take the offers on the table from last week, the Avs would be left with about $5.9 (remember, million is always implied in sports salary cap issues – and the goal for PAFC members, so start recruiting!) to sign their unrestricted free-agents, Peter Forsberg and Adam Foote. Good luck! I think they may have freed up about $1.9 more when they bought out Chris Gratton, but I’m not sure if that’s included.

Either way, it’s almost hockey time!

Thursday, July 28, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 7/28/05

This is creepy! I’m not ready for androids, sorry! It’s a little too “Aliens” for me!

Moby says he has newfound respect for Eminem, even though the rapper once called Moby a girl. He claims it’s because Slim Shady ripped on the president (who wouldn’t respect someone who can jump on that untapped train – guh!), but I’m guessing the respect is really stemming from that musical gem “Ass Like That.”

Now that the CBA is finally in place, Bob Goodenow is stepping down as the head of the NHLPA. He promised the players no cap, he forced them to miss an entire season, and he got them a worse deal than they could have accepted last September. Oops! Good riddance! His next gig is going to be as a cheese ball TV lawyer. “Hurt in an accident? Call BOB! He promises to get you a new car, all of your medical expenses paid, and a ton of cash! OK, maybe just a bus pass, some rubber gloves, and dinner at Sizzler!”

Maybe they should change it to OUI? Two drunken women in Indiana were pushing their broken down car into a parking lot when they rammed it into a parked vehicle. Both were charged with DUI, driving under the influence of alcohol, as their blood alcohol count was 0.17. But were they really driving? Maybe OPERATING the vehicle, but the thing had no power. How much damage could they really do? Watching people push a car is entertaining enough, but watching drunken people pushing a car demands to be recorded!

“Lt Dan! You got new legs! Titanium space legs!” A naked 26-year-old man was found in a cornfield in AL chewing on a raw cob. He claimed he was looking for Forrest Gump’s house. Instead, Kevin Costner poked his head out of the cornfield and said, “That’s quite a bat you got there.”

All hell’s about to break loose in Greece as bar owners have been serving their clients locally made moonshine, saving huge sums in state alcohol taxes. This alcohol, made with cheap and sometimes-toxic raw materials, can cause drinkers a headache, permanent blindness or even death! Can you imagine if this happened in the US? Well, I guess we do serve Mad Dog and Schlitz!

Remember the kid in KS that deliberately threw up on his teacher? Well he’s been sentenced to 4 months of cleaning up vomit from police cars. And August is the policeman’s ball at Joyland Amusement Park!

A Kenyan city councilman offered Bill Clinton 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter Chelsea’s hand in marriage five years ago. He's still awaiting an answer and he vows not to marry another until he gets an answer. He probably would have had much better luck had he offered 40 hookers and 20 interns, but that communication barrier is a killer! Maybe if he named one of the goats Monica?

Some people TOTALLY deserve what they get! A man in FL actually TAUNTED his wife about having to put their dog to sleep! The argument escalated, and he suggested she grab the sword above the fireplace to settle the argument, and called her a bitch. She took the sword down and stabbed him! YEAH! Unfortunately, she just got him in the bicep and the injury is not life threatening. The dude totally deserved it!

A 16-year-old boy is suing the head of the Young Pianist Competition of New Jersey as she accosted him on stage and slammed the piano keyboard cover on his fingers. Bryan O'Lone had been practicing a piece by Chopin, but a misprint in the program showed he was playing a piece by Beethoven. Obviously, the kid didn’t know the piece by Beethoven and played the Chopin piece, prompting the YPCNJ founder to rush the stage, accosting him in front of 300 people. Wow! Someone likes her Beethoven!

The irony is so heavy it makes my back hurt: The head of a commission investigating Trinidad’s public health care sector almost died from food poisoning after eating at a government-run hospital. I know hospital food is kinda nasty, but they could at least pick it up a notch when the public health commission is investigating them!

Go seniors! An 80-year-old in Germany took his motorized wheelchair on the highway. Hey, when you want Buffet des alten Landes, you want Buffet des alten Landes!

Also in Germany, a man mostly missed his train, mostly. His finger made it on there after it was cut off in the door. That thing is bound to show up in a Weiner Schnitzel!

A plumber in London was caught urinating into a vase and pouring it into a central air conditioning unit. What on earth would possess someone to do this? Seriously? Are you 6 years old? I simply don’t get it!

Also in London, a couple got a little frisky while out to sea in a dinghy. Their sounds of passion were mistaken for cries for help and a rescue squad was sent out after them. I wonder how long before this makes it into a movie? It probably could have saved Deep Water!

Blondie and Dagwood are 75-years-old! I don’t care what her age is, that Blondie is still pretty hot! Heh!

Sorry!

In Brazil, a dead woman was shot in her casket while being buried. A gang/police shoot out next to the cemetery produced a stray bullet that hit the woman. Now I know where I DON’T want to be buried!

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Opie Gone Gay?

This ain’t Opie’s version of Floyd’s Barber Shop!

OK, so I needed my hair cut last week. I have been going to Crap Clips for years, mostly because it was close, cheap, and they actually listened to what I wanted them to do. I did go to an actual stylist/friend of mine until she TOLD me how I wanted my hair instead of listening to me. Mostly this happened because she was overbooked and in a hurry to boot me out. Oh, and she charged a little more than the other guys. But I digress.

So I went on a little walk up to our new favorite local restaurant Tin Star the other day. On my approach, I saw a Floyd’s Barber Shop right next to Tin Star. I thought, maybe I should try this place. So, as I was about home on Friday night, I turned in and decided to give them a shot at making me pretty again. Besides, I was getting a little scraggly and my big performance at Freak Train was just a few days away.

I walked in, gave the young girl behind the counter my name, and took a seat as all stylists/barbers/barberettes were with clients. I took it all in, and I was thinking this place was pretty cool! The floors are all hardwood, and there is brushed silver or black metal everywhere. The front was all glass, the side wall where people sat to wait was a dark red color, and there were a few HDTV’s around with sports playing. The music was a great mix with everything from Hole to U2.

Each stylist had their own sink, angled mirror, and classic barber chair. I looked around and wondered who I would get paired with. Then I noticed the wall the across from me – all rock posters! We’re talking Peter Gabriel, Pink Floyd, Dead Kennedy’s, Johnny Cash, Beatles, Beyonce, Beastie Boys, I can go on forever! I just thought it was really cool.

A few women seemed to be finished with their clients, but my name was not called. Then, as fate would have it, the one male cutting hair went up to the front, turned around and called my name.

OK, I’ll admit it: I thought he was gay immediately. He was a thin black man with a blue wife beater shirt and plaid pants. His hair was very short and he had a neatly-trimmed goatee. His left arm was tattooed with various Japanese symbols, and his smile was big, straight (ironic) and bright. He stuck his hand out to shake mine, and said, “Hi. I’m Ron.” He had a solid grip, and seemed very friendly. I shook back and said, “Hi Ron, I am Patrick.”

So I sat down, trying not to feel intimidated because the guy about to cut my hair is probably gay. Who cares? I’m a happily married straight man, so why does it matter if he’s gay? It’s not like there are no other gay barbers in the world. In fact, I’m pretty dang sure that the man who cut my dad’s hair when I was little was gay, now that I look back. I know he was divorced (I wonder why) and had kids, but I could just tell that he wasn’t straight. Not that there’s anything wrong with that!

Ron asked me how I’d like him to cut my hair. I told him I have been going to “Crap Clips” for the last 5 years and they usually do a 6 on the sides and in the back, and then blend it to the top. Just trim the top a little. I inform him it’s been about 6 weeks since my last haircut. He said OK, grabbed the clippers and went to work

It’s after 5 PM and both Ron and I aren’t very talkative. It’s been a long day for both of us, but I’ve got a great distraction while I sit in the chair: posters! I can’t take my eyes off the Pink Floyd poster to my left. It’s 6 nude women sitting poolside, facing the other way, and each one has a different album cover painted on their back. Freakin’ sweet! And how can you NOT love a place that has a 3’ X 4’ Dead Kennedy’s poster? I’m focusing mostly on the posters directly in front of me because I don’t want Ron to cut me if my eyes try to wander down the wall. Finally I say, “Ron, you’ve got the best chair here. All of the cool posters are in front of your station.” He laughed a little.

Ron asked me how much I wanted off the top, and I said about an inch. My family members keep telling me to keep the top a little longer. So he did the typical snippy with my hair in his fingers. He paid a lot of attention to detail on the top of my head, and was very meticulous around my ears and with the back of my neck. In fact, he tapered my hair in the back because I have a bunch of cowlicks back there. No body has ever even thought of that! I was starting to realize, this could well be the best haircut I’ve had since I stopped paying $30 each time in!

Ron kept petting my head, which I found odd. His big hand would just lay flat on top of my head and then he’d slowly run it down the back. That’s when things started to get a little, uh, weird.

The next thing I know, Ron had his hands on the sides of my head, he’s about 3” from my face and staring right at me. He started to message/fluff the hair on the sides of my head. I’m not sure exactly why, but it took me by surprise. I was a little scared actually. But he went back to work to make sure the length on the sides was perfect and he really amazed me by keeping the hair off my face with a towel, etc.

“Let me trim those eyebrows for you,” he said. “You’ve got a couple strays there.” OK, nobody has ever offered or even thought of doing that before. I’m way impressed. Ron used a comb to pull up my eyebrows, and he snipped them down to look a little less like a jungle. Ron placed his large hand on my cheek and slowly wiped the stray hairs from my eyebrow with his thumb. Holy crap did that feel gay!

Ron then took the paper tape off of my neck and wiped away the hair with a towel. He then stuck the towel around my collar and put warm shaving cream on my neck and also on my sideburns. Again I was impressed! He used a straight razor (ironic, I know!) to shave the back of my neck. He then used that huge hand of his again by placing it on top of my head, putting his thumb above my sideburns and pulling my face up for a better shave. I swear this was like the old barbershops! I can honestly say I’ve never had anyone work so hard for a $19 haircut.

The chair spun backward as Ron handed me a mirror. He explained why he tapered the hair in the back and asked me to look for approval. It looked great. He spun me back around and asked how it looked overall. “Honestly, Ron, this is the best haircut I’ve had in at least 5 years.” He started laughing, but I was thinking it was probably the best haircut I’ve EVER had. He said thanks and gave me a few cards. He apologized about not being too talkative as it had been a long day, and I agreed.

Ron walked me to the front and shook my hand. I told him that I just moved in across the street and I’ll certainly be back. I tipped him $5.00 and walked out looking great and feeling secure in my heterosexuality.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that!


Tuesday, July 26, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 7/26/05

Let’s start off this one with a bang! A woman in Golden CO pleaded guilty to hosting sex parties. Trying to be a “cool mom,” Silvia Johnson supplied drugs and alcohol to minors and had sex with high school boys. I am SO glad my mom never tried to be that cool! Guh!

OMG! Target’s new Back-To-School ad features “Baby Got Back” for the theme music! Granted it never gets to the lyrics, but y’all will recognize it!

My wife is going to see Howard Jones on Saturday night, so I will be single. I want to go see Burning Abigail and The Scott Julsen Band down by Civic Center Park. Does anyone want to come with me and check out a few great local bands? Take a look at my reviews of them both on my new blog and let me know!

A woman in CA gave birth to a baby boy on the toilet. The hospital sent her home earlier that day because “she wasn’t ready,” so he husband ended up delivering the child at their home. I think they named him John.

Sorry, that was a horrible joke!

OK, imagine you got a check in the mail, made out to you, for $163K. I’m not talking an Ed McMahon, you could be eligible to win, “This is NOT a Check” check. I mean a honest-to-goodness, Dude-check-it-out-I’m-Jeff-Beck-Dude check in your name. What would you do? Would you cash it no questions asked? Or would you do what Robert Theodorow of IN did? He contacted the company the check came from and questioned why he got it. So, instead of paying off his house and buying a shiny new car, he did the right thing. IDIOT! Well, I guess that could have ended up being a large karma kick in the pants, so maybe it is a good thing he returned it. For his troubles, the company sent him a $100 gift certificate for a nice restaurant. Whoopee!

Police at the Vienna airport found cocaine worth $16 (remember, million is ALWAYS implied in drug money – and the number of people who can’t wait for hockey to return!) at the lost and found. Whoa! The dope was in a suitcase that had been sitting in the lost luggage section for a month. I’m thinking the Vienna airport is in the market for new drug-sniffing dogs.

It may be 185 degrees outside, but that didn’t stop about 100 Santa Clauses from partying in Denmark. A Santa convention in July. WTF?

Don’t get the liberals going! The comic strip Doonesbury has been pulled in a few cities for the use of toilet humor. Apparently there is a caricature of W calling Karl Rove a “turd blossom.” OK, that’s funny! I don’t care how conservative you are, that’s classic humor right there! Oops! I forgot that most people read the paper over breakfast, and there is a no tolerance for bathroom talk at the table. Right Nanny?

Sometimes, I just have to cut and paste the story, as I cannot even start to comment on it:

LAWRENCE, Kan. (AP) - Ezekiel Rubottom now has his left foot back exactly where he wants it - in a bucket on the front porch. Police in Kansas have returned the amputated foot to him after seizing it during the weekend to check out just how it got there. The 21-year-old man's foot was amputated three weeks ago after a series of medical problems, and he started keeping it in a five-gallon bucket filled with formaldehyde. It came to the attention of police after a call from a parent whose child reported seeing the severed foot. Officers who went to the home late Saturday night found the foot, and some of Rubottom's friends, but no sign of Rubottom himself. Unsure of what to make of the unusual discovery, police confiscated the severed foot and put it into evidence storage. Rubottom, an artist, recovering methamphetamine addict and occasional hip-hop master of ceremonies, said he was born with a clubbed foot and has dealt all his life with pressure sores and infections. An infection this summer became so severe that doctors at Lawrence Memorial Hospital decided it should be amputated.”

Um, EWW! Now he can REALLY hip-hop, if ya know what I mean!

Hey, criminals! Do your homework! A guy in Toledo decided to rob a coffee shop that just happened to be in an FBI building. Doi! Oh, and the agent in charge was in line for coffee at the time. Nice try!

Excellent! Allegedly, students in Australia were given strips of masking tape and asked to tape their mouths shut because they would not stop talking in class. I love that! Of course, lawsuits are a flyin’, but it’s about time teachers took a strict approach with kids. Beats telling them they have “deferred success” so their weenie feelings don’t get hurt when they fail. Guh! Pretty soon all sports contests will end in a tie!

A 19-year-old Amish man has been accused of stealing flowerpots and house numbers in OH. He was caught because he was blaring music from his buggy! I didn’t know you could add subwoofers to a hand-crank Victrola!

French people think they are so hot! Honestly! A recent survey shows 80% of them frogs think they are good-looking. Hey, I know, it’s tough being hot!

A couple in Italy has stolen 50,000 Euros from a woman with the best trick yet! They convinced her that they were vampires and she had to pay them to NOT impregnate her with the antichrist! For the last four years, they kept selling her fake pills that would abort the antichrist if they ever impregnated her. She’s 47 years old for the love of Dracula!

Does Big Foot exist? We may know for certain soon as residents of the Yukon have submitted hairs found in their community for DNA testing. Something tells me that the results will show it's just Dan, the hairy guy from Vancouver who came to visit last month.

A Croatian farmer was killed when his own cow fell on top of him in a bizarre milking mishap. This almost happened to my brother a long time ago, but he divorced her just in time!

Seriously! A man in TX was arrested after he called the police to report he had been robbed – someone stole his marijuana! And they say pot kills brain cells!

Monday, July 25, 2005

Pat Angello has a NEW BLOG!

Check it out, yo! I got me a blog dedicated to MUSIC! There are just two entries there right now, and they are reviews of a couple GREAT local bands. Take a look AND PLEASE SEND ME COMMENTS!

Oh, and for those of you who went to see me at Freak Train last night - THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT!

For those who DIDN'T go - YOU TOTALLY MISSED IT!!!

Holy CATS was that fun!

I'm working on getting a copy of it, and maybe load it onto the blog here eventually.

Don't miss the next one!

Sunday, July 24, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 7/24/05

For the love of PETE! Do I have to remind you one more time? Pat Angello will be performing on Monday, 7/25 at the Bug Theatre for a little thing they like to call Freak Train! The Bug is on 37th and Navajo and the web site will show you a map on how to get there. Doors open at 7 PM, $5.00 gets you in, and the beer is FREE! The show begins at 8 PM, so you have plenty of time to get a little tipsy. I will get there dang early to make sure I get a spot. Also, in case I’m awful, you have the opportunity to be entertained by 11 other people/groups that will be performing that night. Trust me – this place is a blast!

It’s going to be a text-heavy week! I’ve got a few local bands to review for ya, and I think I’ll use my new blog to post them to. I’ll direct you there later this week as I am still working on the design, but I’d love some feedback when you see it.

HOCKEY! I think the NHL is a little excited that they have finally agreed upon a new CBA. This weekend I have received a letter from Pierre Lacroix, three emails from Gary Bettman, and a phone call from Avalanche coach Joel Quinville. I’m thinking all of this attention means the Avs aren’t dropping ticket prices. Hey, who cares? The greatest game in the world with the most amazing athletes ever is coming back, and I couldn’t be more excited about it! Just for you, I have included a link to show all of the new rule changes. I’ve reviewed them, and I can’t say I really argue with anything. Restricting where the goalie can roam to is a little lame, but whatever. I’m kinda looking forward to the first shootout! I’m also looking forward to seeing what this team looks like with a salary cap!

Guess who won the Tour de France? What a shocker! What can you say other than Lance Armstrong is a freakin’ stud? At least some other people will get a chance to win this thing now that he’s retiring, but there’s no way anyone can accomplish this feat again! Simply amazing!

Ever have one of those days? Well don’t look to Oklahoman Maurice Masterson for compassion! Masterson got a flat tire on his way home last week. While he was digging through his trunk for a lug wrench, a trailer passing by kicked a rock at him. He jumped to avoid the rock, hit his head on the car, and knocked himself unconscious. Dude, you should have stayed in bed!

A hiker in HI is lucky to be alive. He got lost for five days in a lava field near a volcano and survived (literally) on water he squeezed out of small patches of moss he came across. Let’s see, if I want to go for a hike, where would be a good place? Oh, I know – how about over in that lava field near the active volcano! What could go wrong? The guy should be dead. No, seriously! Let natural selection run its course!

A Wal-Mart in VA has nixed singles night. You read that right, a Wal-Mart singles night! You used to be able to go to Wal-Mart in Roanoke on a specific night, put a red bow on your cart, and let the rest of the shoppers you were, uh, on the market so to speak! Well, for some unexplained reason, the higher-ups at Wal-Mart have cancelled singles night. OK, I understand how hard it is to meet people these days, and I know how lucky I am to be married to a wonderful woman. However, if yer looking for love at Wal-Mart of all places, I hope your standards are really low!

Also in VA, a life-sized (I thought she was a cartoon?) statue of Betty Boop has been stolen and then found without the head. A spokesman for CSI Virginia Beach has stated that the statue “may have been violated. We are in the midst of pulling hair fibers, prints and fluid samples so we can bring justice to this woman’s killer.”

Here we go again! A prison inmate in San Francisco is suing because he found a finger tip in his frozen food. Other inmates quickly started a riot claiming the guy got a bigger portion than anyone else.

What are parents teaching (or NOT teaching) their kids these days? A 10-year-old in Poland dropped a bomb threat in a suggestion box at a bank because his mother was waiting in line too long. Is it really that hard to keep an eye on your one kid for however long it takes to get through the line at the bank? Maybe she put him up to it!

A new version of Windows is coming, and it will be called Vista! And it will still suck!

It’s hip to be square! Huey Lewis will be appearing in the musical “Chicago” with Brooke Shields. That’s box office GOLD right there!

Michael Jackson wants to move to Berlin. This prompted the people of Berlin to say, “Actually, I think we’re full. Thanks anyway!”

Some “friends” and co-workers of Lance Archibald in UT think it’s about time he found himself a woman. So, they’ve elected to purchase a billboard with his picture that says, “I’m Lance – Let’s go out!” A 31-year-old single Mormon is the equivalent to a 50-year-old virgin. It’s pretty much time to throw in the towel and realize it’s never gonna happen!

Nothing like getting a hole-in-one in golf! Especially when it’s your first! Oh, and you’re in a tournament and the hole is giving away a new car if you get a hole-in-one on it. AND you knock it in off a tree when your shot goes awry! Gene Raymond of NY just bought a lottery ticket as well – just in case!

Thursday, July 21, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 7/21/05

<>How many times do I have to tell you? Pat Angello will be performing at the Bug Theatre on Monday, 7/25 for Freak Train! Leave the little freaks at home so I don’t influence them!

Beam him UP! James Doohan (Scotty from Star Trek) has passed away. Any one that is willing to go on a sketch comedy show (Ben Stiller) and make fun of his career is OK by me!

French biologist Alain Bombard, who cast himself adrift on a raft in the Atlantic to test his survival theories, died aged 80. Sure, he can handle 2 months on a raft, but he can’t win a fight against a bus going 60 MPH! Actually, I have no idea how he died…

Could this really prevent teen pregnancy? A Ugandan member of parliament has pledged to reward girls for abstaining by paying for their school if they remain virgins through college. Huh. I’m kinda at a loss here! Will he have to take their word for it? What kind of school will he pay for? Do Ugandans think it’s worth it?

I’m on the sales floor doing training all week at work. Our theme is International (it’s the Amazing Week!) and we have a travel theme. I tortured the teams with my idea for a team building activity – to collectively create a Top 11 List about travel. Here was the example I gave them, mostly created by my wife – and it’s all true!

Top 11 Strange Things That My Wife Has Encountered While Traveling the World:

11) When the Uffizi was bombed and was only open one day the whole summer, it happened to be the one day she was there.

10) Knew her way around Florence although she'd never been there, in this life!

9) Over-stayed her Visa by 1 day in Zanzibar; they wanted to fine her $300, and then a Gulf Air Flight Attendant saved her!

8) Had to walk across the border from Tanzania to Kenya when local thugs tried to rob her; fellow bus riders (locals) formed a wall around her and walked her across border.

7) Having to stop for a potty break on same bus in middle of Serengeti, in the middle of the night, bus driver sat on top of bus with shotgun in case of lions.

6) Got a worm in her toe in Zanzibar. Ooo – tickly!

5) Bought a Cosmo Magazine in Abu Daubi and all the women were colored out with a black magic marker, except for their eyes.

4) Ran into some guy she met in Greece at a bar in downtown Denver 3 months later.

3) Was thrown in jail in Mombasa for breaking a phone at the airport (cord was rigged to fall apart); faked an asthma attack to get out.

2) Ran over Chris Isaac’s toe with her luggage cart in the Wellington airport.

1) Was bit by a monkey in Zanzibar without a doctor or clinic within 50 miles.

A 35-year-old woman in Germany was sent home after shopping in the nude. She claims she lost a spin-the-bottle contest. Who plays spin-the-bottle at the age of 35? And isn’t there a better dare for spin-the-bottle?

And you thought the US was a little too politically correct! The word "fail" should be banned from use in British classrooms and replaced with the phrase "deferred success" to avoid demoralizing pupils. Members of the Professional Association of Teachers (PAT – shuddap!) argue that telling pupils they have failed can put them off learning for life. You know, you can encourage people without stupid things like this!

A naked man in Philly got into an altercation with a police officer, was shot, stole a patrol car, and then crashed the car into a bus during rush hour. That’s MUCH more exciting than the anti-abortion protesters!

In TN, a woman decided to race her pick-up truck on a nearby racetrack. She crashed on the second lap, and her passenger escaped on a tractor. Only in TN!

A 76-year-old woman in FL was arrested for selling crack by putting drugs in her purse and lowering them by rope from her second-floor window. Did she go to the University of Miami, or is she just their main supplier? Someone get Ricky Williams on the phone!

There are dumb criminals, and then there’s Randy Washington in Chicago. Randy robbed a bank, and got away with it, until he called a radio station to brag. Now he’s toast, like he should be! Dumbass!

The captain of a fire department in IN used their fire truck to water his lawn. Seriously, how can he think that would be OK? It’s been over 100 here in Denver for two days now, and everyone is hot all over the country. Did he really think stealing from the city would go unnoticed?

The players approve, now it’s up to the owners. Hockey is coming – WOO HOO!!!

Telemarketers are going to stop calling the dead. Good thing! I hear they don’t ever buy anything.

What does it take to get through to some people? After going to a funeral for a friend who was killed in an ATV accident, two people rode off on ATV’s only to get in an accident themselves – AND they weren’t wearing helmets! This is natural selection!

550 gerbils were removed from a home in England. Can you imagine the smell in that house? ONE gerbil is stinky enough, two is putrid, and 550 would probably kill me!

Dumb lawsuit of the week: A woman in NY is suing the city because she fell off her skateboard and onto a red hot manhole cover. Seems the manhole cover was hot from steam and branded her tushy! Duh! You mean steam makes things hot? Wow, who knew? Maybe she should either get out of the street, or learn how to ride a little better.

OK, if you think I’m a freak, I got NUTHIN’ on this guy! A man in FL breaks in to houses in the nude and tickles the feet of elderly women in their sleep. That’s it! Doesn’t steal anything, he just tickles their feet while he stands there – naked. Almost as bad as the guy hiding in the filth of a port-a-potty!

Volvo car manufacturers want to have the Swedes let them drive their vehicles while drunk so they can test the safety. Is it hard to crash a car sober? Actually, there is a new device on the vehicles that is supposed to detect if the driver is not responding properly to dangerous driving situations. The idiot I was behind on the highway today could have used that! I watched this guy barely miss swerving into a trailer in the lane next to him. Then he almost rear-ended a car in front of him. He kept swerving around and freaking me out! It was rush hour so I couldn’t find an opportunity to pass. I thought he was on a cell phone at first, or something. I finally got around him, and as I passed, I looked in his car to see if he was on the phone. Nope, he was just looking all over inside his car. As soon as I got by him, he plowed into the car in front of him! Can’t say I didn’t see that coming!

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 7/19/05

Don't forget - Pat Angello will be performing at the Bug Theatre on Monday, 7/25 for Freak Train! Oh, I'll be gettin' a little freaky!

OK, one day was more than enough, and two days now is REALLY pissing me off! Some #^$%& anti-abortion idiots are protesting by putting banners and pictures of aborted fetuses on bridges along I-25 on my (and millions of other's) way to work. You know what? I don't want to see that at 7:30am. In fact, I don't want to see that ever! Does this disgusting tactic even work? I want statistics - facts - proof! Someone provide me with documentation that shows how many pro-choice people actually changed his or her mind after seeing this display. Why don't these people target their audience? All they are doing is slowing down traffic, causing accidents, making everyone late for work, and putting the entire city of Denver in a foul mood! Said displays are only illegal if they hang a banner on the fence attached to the bridge, or hold the banners against the fences. However, standing only 6" away and holding these banners by hand is perfectly legal. Why? They are still a hazard to people trying to drive to work! Don't these extremists have REAL jobs? A coworker had to drive past anti-abortion protesters in her own neighborhood with her two young children in her car. Is this really something they think is appropriate for kids to be subjected to? I swear, one more day and I'm getting off the highway, driving up to that bridge, and beating the crap out of these people!

Since I'm all fired up, why is it that any black woman that sings is automatically crowned with "diva" status? OK, so I've never heard of Ciara. In fact, I thought she was a new erectile dysfunction drug when I saw her name. But, apparently, she is the world's latest "diva." Whatever! I think these people need to prove themselves a little before they are distinguished as a diva. Maybe have, you know, more than ONE record out? Wait, I forgot. We're Americans! We have to destroy and over-hype everything we see!

Who wants to go get the mail? A man in Vietnam was arrested for attempting to mail a human skull to a relative in the US. Now what am I gonna get Uncle Hiroto for his birthday?

A man in Australia got in an argument after seeing the movie Sin City. I guess the other guy didn't like, they fought, and he bit the other guy's nose off! See? There's nothing wrong with gratuitous violence in the cinema!

A 22-month-old child in IN has had her identity stolen TWICE already. LaShonda Terry's daughter, Jabriona (hey, I'm not saying anything - I'm just reporting!) has a cell phone bill, but it's only because a family friend used the child's social security number to steal her identity. Ah, the ghetto!

I can't believe that a woman with 80 lawn gnomes in CO is making national news when her little statues disappeared. There's no "mystery" here - people ALWAYS take lawn gnomes, snap funky pics with them, and then return the little dudes with a copy of the pictures! Hello? This is as old a tradition as hot dogs on the 4th!

Mmm - hot dogs!

Yay - oops! A spectator cheering on riders in the Tour de France accidentally punched a rider in the face when he jumped for joy. Andrey Kashechkin suffered a bloody nose, but only stopped briefly for medical attention and then got right back on that bike! I think he's a former hockey player.

Don't upset the mob! The mob in Malaysia firebombed a religious sect that believes a giant teapot has healing powers. Yeah, a giant teapot has healing powers. Does this teapot contain Kool-Aide? I don't think people can make fun of Mormons anymore. The elderly man that runs this sect believes he is God and the owner of everything. You don't own me (snap!)!

Lil' Kim is suing one of the witnesses from her perjury trial. Uh, too late! Again, when you screw up it's NOT SOMEONE ELSE'S FAULT! Take some responsibility for ONCE!

Pitcher Kenny Rogers, who is appealing his fine and suspension with MLB for beating up two cameramen, just went after ANOTHER cameraman. That ought to help the appeal! "No, really - I've learned my lesson!" What is it with this guy and cameramen? This is like a bad horror movie where seeing a red car or something sets off the killer!

OK, I'm never getting on a plane again. Forget the terrorists; I'm more concerned with the pilots! 40 pilots in CA have been indicted for falsifying medical records to hide disabilities such as schizophrenia, drug and alcohol addictions, and severe heart problems that would have kept them from flying. However, they were still able to receive disability payments. Hey, it's the best of both worlds, unless you're a passenger!

Ice In Your Veins (a response to my hockey rant)

Okay, so I really dont usually reply to this thing, and I am sure that most people dont, but I had to say that I agree with you a hundred percent about the Hockey players being in it for cup and not for the money. I believe deep in my heart that they are the pure among other sports, and even after they are too old to play in the NHL, they still hit the puck around with thier mates (sorry, I'm thinking in British terms anymore, what with having spent three weeks with a Brit, and now reading HPHBP...) now, I'm not saying that Elway doesn't throw around a football anymore, but I think that if amateur teams asked him to come and play with them, he would say no. But if you asked Peter Stasny (had to bring him into this, I'm in love with his son... Paul.) To come and play in a few games, he would jump at the opportunity, and play fairly. They wouldn't care about the money. And I dont think that they do right now. I know tons of College Players, and they didnt say, I'm only playing for DU, no other team will do, they knew as they were going into High School that Hockey was in thier blood, and no matter where they ended up, no matter which school asked them to play for them after they went into the Junior Leagues. I know this for a fact, because my boyfriend Nick still plays in beer leagues, even though he can't play anymore. He was offered a scholarship at University of Wisconsin (Boo Badgers) to play in college, after he played with a Juniors team that toured Sweden and Canada. He unfortunately herniated a disk in his back and cant risk playing real Hockey for risk of paralyzation. But he trudges on playing the sport that he loves, and watching anything to do with hockey. (The first time we hung out was watching the Frozen Four on TV. He didnt care for any of the teams, but he thought it was totally cool that a chick could be this interested in hockey, and he watched as a descerning fan, and to tease me rooted for North Dakota to win, even though I was rooting for Minnesota-Duluth because I knew they would be an easier team to beat for DU, but DU whooped UND anyways and won!) Hockey is a sport, that once it gets under your skin, you can feel the ice running through your viens, your heart starts pounding as you hear the puck hit the glass, an extreme pain engulfs your side as your favorite player is hit so hard against the glass that he lies almost motionless for a few seconds on the ice and you fear that he may be out of the game, and when your team scores you feel your stomach hit your throat in that tiny millisecond before the light goes off, hoping and praying that the goalie missed the save. It is a passionate sport with endearing fans and personable athletes who show how much they care about their fans. They dont act like they are above the world, like they aren't normal people who just happen to enjoy being slammed into the boards. And yet, even without professional hockey, the world still goes on. New kids learning every day the difference between a legal pass and offsides, and what the heck icing is.... Throngs of students hike across campus in the snow (Unless they are at Alabama-Huntsville) every-other Friday and Saturday night to see thier closest friends crush the opponent against the boards. Mothers and Fathers hold thier breath as their youngest child steps out onto the ice, hoping that he too will have the success of thier older siblings in this amazing sport. Even without the NHL life with Hockey beat on....

Sunday, July 17, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 7/17/05

Reminder – Pat Angello will be performing at the Bug Theatre on Monday, 7/25 for Freak Train! Yeah, cuz I’m a FREAK!

A gang leader in NJ was caught because he put together a rap CD where he boasted about the robberies he committed. Is this something new – rappers talking about violent crimes they committed? Could it really be that hard to arrest Snoop Dogg for carrying pot?

I love crazy people! A man in GA has been arrested for drinking holy water at a church! This guy was banned from the church 5 years ago, but comes in every two weeks or so and starts lapping up holy water. He was arrested after he assaulted the church's pastor, broke a crucifix and broke the window of a police cruiser. Drink all the holy water you want, pal, it ain’t gonna help!

Stay off the big island in Hawaii, or at least stay off the streets at 3am! A man was robbed twice in 5 minutes this week! First, 3 guys got out of a Tahoe and asked for his wallet, which he gave up. Then, a group of punks got off a bus and accosted him in an alley. Since he had already given up his wallet, they just kinda beat him up. And you think YOU’RE having a tough day today?

An argument for natural selection – a woman in OK (like that should shock you) was arrested for giving birth drunk. She and her buddy had just finished off a case of beer when she went into labor with her blood alcohol count 3 times the legal limit. The baby was not breathing when born, but doctors performed an emergency procedure to revive it. Oh, and this is her 7th child! Infuriating!

The new Harry Potter book is out and the pope isn’t happy about it! Pope Benedict feels the Harry Potter books can “distort Christianity in the soul” before it has time to develop properly. So that whole baptism thing means…? It’s a BOOK! It’s FICTION! People know the difference, don’t they? Sorry, I’m giving humanity WAY too much credit here. He’s probably right!

A NY cop has been fired for creating a web site where cops can rant about their jobs. Hey, with the garbage these heroes have to put up with on a daily basis, this guy should be commended! They’ve got to let off steam somehow!

Hot enough for ya? Not a good time to try shoplifting! At least that’s what a woman in Belgium learned last week. She was arrested because she was sweating like a pig. She was sweating like a pig because she was wearing a jogging suit, a sweater, four polo shirts, three T-shirts, four sleeveless tops, a pair of shorts and trainers. Nice try!

A golden retriever in SC fought off a 14 foot, 700 pound alligator this week. My yellow lab can bark a good bark from inside the house, but she’s been pinned by Yorkies – twice! Wuss!

What’s the last thing you bought on eBay? We got a vacuum cleaner a while back and saved a ton, but we also got what we ordered! Some people that have ordered slightly used clothing from a man in St. Louis have gotten a big bag of poopie in the mail. Lawsuits are a flyin’ and the *%$# just hit the fan! Ah, nothing like a good toilet joke to start the week!

Close, but not quite! Michelle Wie won two matches on Thursday, but was knocked out of the US Amateur Public Links on Friday. Hey, she still beat two men in match play – and she’s only 15 for cryin’ out loud! The reason Wie went after this tournament is because the winner is traditionally invited to play the Masters. That will have to wait, but probably not much longer. She is incredible and will be competing with men on a regular basis in about 2 years. Eek! I almost feel bad for the guys that lost to her, but she’s just so dang good! It really is a little scary!

Let’s talk hockey – FINALLY!

I’m a little nervous about some of the rule changes. Did we really need them? The reason there is so much parody in the league is because it expanded too much, which is also ONE of the reasons the owners were losing money. Said expansion meant teams were clutching and grabbing to slow down the more skilled players. This lead to less scoring, and increasing the size of the goal/decreasing the pads on the goaltenders are absurd ideas. You want more scoring? Let the players play and contract 4 teams so there’s better talent. And why do we want more scoring? A goal in hockey is like a sports orgasm – a 1-0 game is fun to watch, especially when the goalie is standing on his head to make saves! I don’t really care if they get rid of the 2-line pass, and I like the automatic icing idea. Not letting the goalie roam is stupid – leads to great assists and fun fluke goals a lot. Of course, all of this is speculation until the agreement is actually made public and we can see what the real rule changes will be.

I know in my heart that the majority of hockey players (unlike the other major sports) are in it for the love of the game, not for the money. Taking away the game from them was very painful. Having to give up 24% of their salary to play again was probably something they were willing to do without much question if it meant saving the sport. The talk radio stations in Denver are saying there is no way the Avs can keep the current team together. Let’s do some math! Their payroll last year was $63 (remember, million is always implied in sports payrolls – and money embezzled by CEOs!). A 24% rollback gets it down to $47. The cap should be about $40. So, if Pierre Lacroix goes to his highest paid players, sits them down and explains they need to take another $500K cut or so to keep the team together, do you really think they’d say no? Can Joe Sakic live on $5.8 but not $5.2? If someone is all about the money – what team has money to spend and can lure them away now? Let’s say that jerk Jeremy Roenick wants his pre-lock-out pay and his team can’t afford it. Can anyone afford it now? NO! It’s not really about greed in this league; it’s about survival. The owners need to take responsibility as well because they were the ones offering contracts they couldn’t afford. Can you remember any hockey player doing what Terrell Owens is doing right now – holding out just one year into a 4-year deal for more money? No way!

Unlike the NBA & NFL, I strongly believe hockey players want the Cup in lieu of the dough. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking…

Thursday, July 14, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 7/14/05


HOCKEY! YAY – it’s BACK! Y’all can complain about the greed, etc., but just playing the stupid X-Box video game made me miss it more. Now, it’s coming back. Seriously, I think I just cried a little!

Bills, bills, bills! It’s hot and dry and people are trying to keep their yards alive. A woman in IL racked up a water bill for $74,000! The city’s utility department realized the mistake was made because of a broken meter. Fortunately, the woman was sitting down when she opened the bill!

An expert on eating disorders collapsed this week after huffing a can of whipped cream. At the exact same time his credibility collapsed as well.

A man in ND had police show up at his trailer after someone called in a domestic disturbance. As the police surrounded the trailer and negotiated with the man and his wife/sister, he tunneled out from under the trailer and called a cab. That’s ND’s finest at their finest right there!

It’s a runaway turtle! A turtle in IL wandered 20 miles from home before someone spotted him and returned him to his female owner after three weeks. I’m just gonna say that if she can’t keep her eye on a turtle, let’s pray she never has children!

The governor of Tokyo has been sued by a group of French language teachers and translators in Japan for calling French a “failed international language.” Apparently the gov feels this way because the language has an odd way of counting numbers. But a lawsuit? Puh-lease! Like the French have never been insulted before, let alone insult other countries!

Nothing brings the best out of people like a natural disaster, eh? Take the woman in AL who rammed her RV into a woman (not her car!) because she apparently cut in front of 50+ cars to get gas while people were evacuating in preparation for Hurricane Dennis. Did anyone read my last newsletter? Guh - people!

A 73-year-old man at a Wal-Mart in UT used his motorized wheelchair to pin a police officer and try to take his gun! This is one of the reasons why I don’t go to Wal-Mart – crazy seniors! Oh, and the fact that I’m usually the only one there that speaks English. And I KNOW the rest of the people there are talking about me, I just can’t understand them!

Mexican police again tried to nab drug lord Francisco Felix and AGAIN got the wrong guy! Last time, it was an architect that looked like Felix, this time it was a car salesman that had a similar name! Welcome to Keystone, Mexico! Our cops will be right with ya!

In Montreal, a man is putting drawing by Hitler up for auction, which is upsetting the Jews of Canada. The Canadian Jewish Congress said the sale of the sketches by Hitler is offensive. You never know – they could be sketches of flowers and birdies! Yeah, probably not! The real question is, can he out-bid the stuff by Coco the monkey?

Illegal plastic surgery in Brazil is killing people, and now a truck full of breast implants was robbed. Scary, in more ways than one!

Just for the hell of it, here are my three favorite shows that FOX was too stupid to let ride for a complete season – all were cancelled before each episode aired. However, you can rent them all on DVD and won’t be disappointed!

1) The Ben Stiller Show:

This was my introduction to Ben Stiller, a sketch comedy show that he created in the early 90’s with people like Bob Odenkirk, Jeanine Garafalo, and Andy Dick. The show featured better spoofs than SNL and Mad TV could ever dream of having, and had perfectly uncomfortable interviews with celebrity guests. “Brilliant” barely scratches the surface of describing it!

2) Greg the Bunny: What happens when puppets live among humans? Fantastic comedy! With a phenomenal cast that includes Seth Green, Eugene Levy and Sarah Silverman, GtB didn’t need much more. Somehow, the puppet characters really provided most of the humor! Tardy the Turtle could possibly be the greatest character, oh, EVER!

3) Wonder Falls:

Jaye is your typical Gen-Y girl, working at a souvenir shop at Niagara Falls. One day inanimate objects begin speaking to her and telling her to do things. In fact, they won’t shut up until she obeys! Eventually, their suggestions lead to Jaye reluctantly helping people out, thus proving that Gen-Y’ers really are capable of caring about others! It’s nearly impossible to not fall in love with Jaye – she’s just so darned cute and likeable!


The body of a man strapped to a gurney fell from the back of a pickup truck onto a Dallas highway and into the path of oncoming traffic. The driver had no idea he had lost the body, and other motorists were a little freaked out – naturally! I can’t even imagine! Was there not a better way to transport this guy?

Eat animals, just not the pretty ones. A restaurant owner in NZ is getting flack for selling horse steaks. People are calling and cursing him out. It probably didn’t help that he named the dish “Mr. Ed is Dead.” See what happens when Mane Event doesn’t place?

The man who played “Cooter” on the Dukes of Hazzard TV show is urging fans to skip the movie! “Basically, they trashed our show,” said Ben “Cooter” Jones. “It's one thing to do whatever movie they want to do, but to take a classic family show and do that is like taking ‘I Love Lucy’ and making her a crackhead or something.” With characters like “Cooter,” “Enos,” “Boss Hogg,” and a girl wearing shorts so short/tight you can tell what religion she is – that’s wholesome family TV right there!

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 7/12/05

Paula Jones is planning a visit to the Clinton Library. I think she’s just going to make sure her kneepads are displayed properly and in good taste. I can hear it now, “I get one small shelf in the corner and Lewinsky gets an entire wing? What the…”

A pair of rare dwarf Brahman cattle got hitched in Thailand this weekend. Seriously, over 2000 people attended the cow wedding with goats and other animals dressed up in silk garb. Paris Hilton was jealous and said HER wedding is going to be, “Hot. And a million people will be there – and it’s going to cost a whole lot of money!”

In Mexico, a man was held in prison for a week under suspicion that he is an infamous drug lord. In fact, he’s just an architect. He was arrested at a mall (because most drug lords go shopping at the mall with their families), but DNA tests proved he was the wrong guy. Maybe the Mexican police should check out the Aurora mall for drug lords?

While demolishing a Stalin-era building in Moscow this week, workers found a ton of WWII explosives! These explosives could have been used to blow the building if the Nazis ever took over the city. If I’m one of the contractors involved in this demolition, I’m thinking: Cool – we just saved a ton of dough on explosives!

Time for me to get a little tabloidy on ya – Brad Pitt is in the hospital with flu-like symptoms. He just returned from Ethiopia and his publicist says he has the flu. Um, I’d be REAL careful with writing this off as the flu when he just returned from a 3rd world country! Eek!

The MLB All-Star festivities are taking place right now! ZZzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Will you still need me; will you still feed me, when I’m 64? Will you also still pay me for a good time? A German prostitute is calling it quits when she hits the age of 64, after 49 years in the, uh, business. That’s just WRONG! Guh! Heebie-jeebies here!

News Flash: A survey in Italy shows that men don’t mind seeing women naked on the beach. No kidding? Actually, this survey was directed at the bottomless beaches, but them Italians say they don’t care what kind of body women have – just take it all off! Italian pervies! They probably go to Germany and keep that haggy old prostitute in business!

This milk tastes familiar – the US Food and Drug Administration is considering lifting a ban on meat and milk provided by cloned cows. Um, why are there cloned cows? This scares me – and the FDA is concerned it will scare others. Well, HELL YEAH it will! That’s not right!

When I ran across this I was frightened that someone actually admitted to having a crush on Balki! Then I started to wonder, who did I have a crush on when I was growing up watching crappy TV? Dana Plato? Justine Bateman? Jennilee Harrison? Pam Dawber? Erin Moran? Mary Lou Retton? No, wait – Mary Tyler-Moore on Dick Van Dyke reruns – hubba-hubba! What about y’all?

City officials in East Chicago, IN finally had to turn off a street lamp that created a shadow people believed to resemble Jesus. Over 250 people visit it on a nightly basis! Are we really that desperate to believe in a higher power? Don’t people go to church anymore, or do they just flock to grilled cheese sandwiches and salt stains under highways? I have a feeling there are people out there going through their Frosted Flakes one by one looking for a flake shaped like a religious figure simply so they can sell it on ebay! This one time, when I sneezed – oh, never mind!

In VA, police had to remove 187 cats from an 82-year-old woman’s home. There were 86 more dead cats in trash bins behind the house. I bet the place smelled GREAT! Someone I know used to work with a woman we called the cat lady. She only had 2-3 cats, but she stunk to high heaven! Maybe it was the fact that she wore the same clothes every day or that she showered only on Sundays, but she TOTALLY smelled like cat pee! Blechy! How’s your breakfast today?

A survey finds that MO is number one in slacking at work. And you’re reading this right now. How do you feel about yourself? Should you really be getting paid to read this if you receive it at work? Does your boss know that you are blowing off 5 minutes to read this stupid thing? Feels good, huh?

A Saudi woman defied a driving ban to save her husband after he collapsed at the wheel. Women are forbidden to drive in the city limits of Riyadh because religious scholars fear it would encourage them to mix with men outside their family. If you think I’m about to suggest all women drivers should be banned from driving, well I certainly gave it a little consideration. However, I don’t like sleeping outside, and I only can name one or two women that I know personally that scare the hell out of me when they drive. However, after my ride in this morning, this article did conjure up some personal things people have done lately (on and off the road) that get under my skin:

1) Flicking cigarette butts out the window. The inside of your car already stinks, so why not just keep the butt in there and throw it away when you fill with gas? Seriously – the thing still has remaining stench of smoke on it and it gets into the air vent in my car and makes my whole car stink. Bastards! And if you DO keep these things in your ashtray inside the car, don’t let me catch you dumping them out in the middle of a parking lot. What the hell is that? Why did you even keep them inside the car if you were just going to litter anyway? Did you think it’s better to just have one big pile instead of spreading them around butt by butt?

2) Driving in the emergency lane to pass traffic. Hey, we’re all in the same boat here. We’re all late for something, we all want to be somewhere other than in our cars, and we all hate being stuck in traffic. So what makes YOU so damn important that you can pass everyone on the shoulder? I had this happen to me twice on the way in today: first with some guy on the highway, and second with a guy driving on a double yellow painted median. It really got me in an aggressive mood! There’s also a left side entrance ramp at Santa Fe where people that are in the left hand lane on the highway will cut into simply to pass 3-5 more cars, even though they are already on the interstate (not entering from Santa Fe). I saw one guy do this and knock off another person’s side view mirror because he had no room. Is getting in front of 3 cars really worth it? When I had a large truck, I’d purposely move over far enough that nobody could do that. I’m getting fired up just typing this! GRRRR!

3) Not picking up after your dog. Our new apartment complex allows dogs and there are many! There are also many trashcans with poo bags right above them and LARGE signs that say “Please pick up after your dog.” Right behind our garage is a small grassy area with said sign, bags and trashcan. There is more dog crap in that grass than anywhere else in the complex! In fact, there are 2 piles within 4 feet of the trashcan! I find myself picking up about two other piles along with my own dog, simply because I don’t want to step in it. And I like this place and feel like someone around there should take a little pride and sense of ownership to keep it clean(er)!

4) Cell phones at work. OK, I realize that cell phones have become a necessity in today’s society – no problem. However, when you are at work, have a little respect for your coworkers! Most phones have a silent or vibrate mode – use it! Don’t leave your cell phone on your desk with the ringer cranked up all the way while you are in a meeting. Someone will call you, and you won’t answer because you’re away and the phone will make a “missed call” noise. Then the idiot will call you again right away, and another “missed call” noise. Then we all get to hear the “you have a new message” noise. Just turn off the sound, or turn it down really low. When you are right next to the thing, how loud does it have to ring for you to hear it in a quiet office setting?

5) Office bathroom etiquette! Really, is it that hard to flush? Are you 10 years old? Are you so proud at whatever you have just done that you want it on display for the rest of the office? And I’ll never understand the mid-pee flushers. You’ve wasted a flush, and when you leave the last half of your urine is in the urinal. WTF? And if you’re too much of a wimp to use the urinal (we all get stage fright, but there are dividers – no one can see it, no line behind you – no pressure!), lift the seat up or at least wipe it down after you’ve splattered all over it (another thing that happened to me today). My mother hung a sign in our bathroom when we were little that said, “If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie.” Do we need this reminder as adults? And do men still need to be reminded to put the seat back down? How old is that joke? A coworker here reports to me about the atrocities that take place in the women’s bathroom, and I have to say it scares the hell out of me! Finally, for the love of germs, WASH YOUR HANDS!

Sunday, July 10, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 7/10/05

Happy Birfday Princess!

My wife turned (like I’m gonna tell you!) yesterday! She’s so damn cute – I’m a lucky man! Plus, she shares her birfday with Bela Fleck, Arlo Guthrie, and Arthur Ashe. Oh, even Jessica Simpson! How lucky can she get?

I would have given her a Pat Angello Fan Club T-shirt, but I think she sees enough of me as it is!

OK, I have a quick question for you all: should I update twice a week? Not sure if I can find the time, but some of these stories are a little old by Sunday and this sucker tends to get a little L O N G ! Lemme know what you think!

A few strippers were arrested this week in AR for spanking a trucker on his 31st birthday (I’m still not tellin’!). Apparently they bruised his little booty! What a wuss! Like he didn’t enjoy every minute of it!

A 90-year-old woman was denied bail for drug trafficking charges. 90! I got nuthin to say really.

Wait, I do have to say that having my bud Purdy in town this weekend was awesome. We did a little record shopping, went to dinner, and he came over to see our families yesterday for KT’s birfday. Oh, and I kicked the #$& out of him in X-Box. We’ll call it home court advantage, but it was still sweet. Love ya, Purdy boy!

Are you good at crushing beer cans on your forehead? Then I’ve a got a girl to set you up with! Actually, I’m thinking you may want to try your hand at the Redneck Games in GA! Well over 15,000 people attend to watch events like bobbing for pig feet, the mudpit belly-flop, and the armpit serenade! Bring a date!

If you live up north, visit MI and witness the Spitting Championships! I tell ya, with all this good entertainment in the world, online dating must be a blast!

Look nice – you’re in Tijuana! The Mexican government has passed a dress code for vendors in Tijuana – bright, traditional clothing. Guess what? Americans don’t care! Just sell us a $1.50 poncho and point to the cheap Coronas! And where is that girl taking that donkey?

Hong Kong Disney Land gave away 20,000 free tickets to the homeless and let them have 2 days to themselves at the amusement park before it opened for the season. If I wanted to hang out at an amusement park with a bunch of homeless people I could do it right here in Denver at Elich Gardens! Seriously, with tickets at $40 each, how are there so many, um, economically challenged people there eating $7.00 hot dogs every damn day?

And YES – I do still have a bunch of hot dogs left over. I swear, I’ll even pay the shipping – just take them! Maybe I should call Takeru Kobayashi, the hot dog eating champion? He ate 49 in 12 minutes this year, 4 shy of his record of 53. Let’s just say I could keep him happy for about 3 minute. No comments please – that lob is just too easy!

A man in TX saved a person from drowning and was immediately arrested. Thanks a lot! Seems David Newman disobeyed numerous orders from emergency personnel to get out of the water as he went after a man caught in the swirling current of a river. Newman knew he was the only chance the guy had, so he bravely went in after him and didn’t stop until he pulled the guy from the water. Then he was arrested. And OJ is playing golf this week!

Go to WI and celebrate Emus Week. Why wouldn’t you?

The Ice Cream Man is getting booted in NY! The little jingle you hear as the Ice Cream Man drives by violates the new city noise ordinance. Like the taxi drivers don’t honk anymore or something. C’mon, it’s the Ice Cream Man! It’s not like he’s driving around at 3 AM with thumping bass shaking apartment windows!

A Russian astrologer is suing NASA for sending a space probe to smash into a comet claiming it ruins the natural balances of the universe. As Americans, it is our duty to destroy everything we can, isn’t it? Look at what we’ve done with hockey!

Hockey is coming back, but it needs your help. For the good of all, chant with me now:

Hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey!

YAY!

Give it a few days – I swear!

OK, cops – sometimes when a guy says it wasn’t him, he’s telling the truth! A man in Germany was drunk and sitting in his crashed car. Sure, figure the obvious that the drunken guy crashed his car. However, a man high on the pot STOLE the guy’s car while he was passed out in the back seat. When the stoner wrecked the car, he pulled drunky up into the driver’s seat and ran off. Yeah, that story will fly in court!

Another criminal in Germany stole a digital camera. He was brilliant enough to take photographs of himself and the dump the camera because he couldn’t figure out how it worked. Could you at least be smart enough to steal something that you know how to use? Was there no manual? Do you know what “erase” means?

A man in Russia was arrested for dressing in drag to take an exam for his sister. That sounds like a fantastic idea – its fool proof!

News Flash: Martha Stewart’s nickname in jail was M. Diddy. She’s totally fly!

A couple in India was separated from each other in their wedding day by torrential rains. So, they got married via cell phone. How romantic! “You may kiss the bride – on Thursday.”

Two transgender women (OK, what does that mean?) were near death in San Diego this week after going to a “pump party” to have an unlicensed “doctor” inject them with silicone. Wouldn’t therapy be cheaper?

Some kid in PA created a doggy seatbelt and he’s now pushing for it to become a law. OK, I’m all for getting the dog out of the back of a pick-up truck – that makes me nervous as hell! But if you put a seatbelt on them, then they can’t look out the window! What fun is bye-bye in the car when you can’t stick your head out the window?

BTW, some kid that went to Creighton when I was there claimed his dad invented the orange triangle that is on the back of slow moving vehicles like tractors, etc. Then he lobbied for it to be required on all vehicles that cannot reach a certain speed. The SOB is RICH!

In VA, juveniles are allowed to attend a nudist camp without adult supervision. Talk about flirting with disaster – especially in the south!

Postal workers in AK are no longer allowed to wear “flashy” ties. Is this really a major concern? Do postal workers really need something that could push them over the edge?

A Pittsburgh Steelers fan was laid to rest this week in a recliner. Seriously, the guy’s wake had his body on display in a recliner with a Steelers blanket over him, a beer to his side, and Steelers highlight on a TV next to him – just like he lived his life. Does that mean my wake will show me at 11 PM sitting at a computer trying to finish typing a silly column on a Sunday?

The Brits finally allowed the commercial where people were getting so excited about the chicken they were eating that they started singing with their mouths full. However, spitting out yucky tasting soda is bad, bad, bad. Pompous Brits!

A small town in Australia is banning alcohol. Why? Because people were swimming an alligator infested river just for a beer! Do you know someone with this bad of a drinking problem?

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No, seriously – it’s a freakin’ plane! In Germany a plane made a landing at an airport that was having an auto race on its runway. Somehow, the pilot landed the plane on top of a Porsche that was driving 100 mph. And nobody was hurt!

That’s why I say hey man, nice shot!

OK, so I’m an Italian and I know absolutely nothing about wine. My buds in Italy have me covered now with a new talking wine label! These things have a built in microchip that explains everything about the wine for idiots like me, or for people who are too damn lazy to READ!

In London, a teenage sleepwalker was rescued after being found fast asleep 130 feet up on the arm of a crane. Yikes! And my wife thought I freaked her out when I yelled, “They’re bleeding!” in my sleep one night.

Lil’ Kim gets a year in jail and a $50,000 fine for perjury! It may sound mean, but I like when celebrities actually have to pay for a crime! She lied to a federal jury to protect friends involved in a shootout, so she deserves it!

My friend Joe must be proud – people in Norman, OK are raising money to erect a statue of James Garner! Who wouldn’t want a 10-foot sculpture of Rockford in their town? I say people in Denver should do the same for Gilligan because his name is Bob Denver!

A woman was trampled (mostly by people) in the annual running of the bulls in Spain. Why am I having visions of lunchtime at Creighton?

That last comment had nothing to do with bulls, just the mad dash when the door opened.

The new thing in Europe – pitch black restaurants! I can spill on other people without help – thanks!

A new survey in China shows that most people there are sex idiots. OK, there are BILLIONS of them – they’ve got to be doing SOMETHING right!

I just earned paid vacation time with my temp agency (OK, in a few days – whatever!). I was saving it to go to MN for Whorehouse Days, but it’s been cancelled. Stinkin’ MN!

A man in Boston is suing for being arrested while drunk in his own home. OK, so if you can’t be drunk in public and you can’t be drunk at home, what does that leave you? I’m behind this dude 100%!

A couple in TN was arrested for hiring a stripper for their son’s 16th birthday. C’mon, it’s TN! I’m thinking 16th is too late for strippers! Don’t they move on to prostitutes by then? Maybe they were planning a trip to MN for Whorehouse Days until it was cancelled, then they had to settle for strippers – again!

Having trouble sleeping? Try counting sheep – as they jump to their death in Turkey! Wasn’t this a Kids in the Hall sketch? 450 sheep are dead after 1500 jumped off a cliff one after another as townspeople watched in amazed horror. Over 26 families lost their livestock and could do nothing to stop them. Unbelievable!

More unbelievable was the bombing in London this week. Even worse, some idiot American R&B singer, who escaped the blasts without injury, asked for his fans to pray for him in a press statement. For what? He’s fine! What about the families of the victims? No wonder people hate Americans when THIS guy is representing us!

A woman in LA is suing the hospital that she gave birth to her son at. Her husband fainted, hit his head on a bedpost, and died from a brain injury within 2 hours of her delivery. OK, this is very tragic, but is it really the hospital’s fault? It’s a horrible accident and nobody can be blamed. When will people realize that suing isn’t the answer to heartbreak?

A melon on the road in Cambodia caused a truck to flip over killing one and injuring 30 that were riding in the back. Mass transit in 3rd world countries is incredible! A melon can cause an accident, but barely 30 people are affected!

Movers in AL were a little concerned when they found a live grenade in a woman’s couch as they were trying to move it. The bomb squad assisted and got the grenade, but I think this is why furniture gets lost all the time!

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!