Sunday, June 26, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 6/26/05

Just in case you were wondering, I will NOT be at Freak Train tonight. Sorry, but I’ve been doing so much to get packed, moved and unpacked this month – the material is not fully baked. However, I will be ready next month – I swear this time!

Ya gotta love my wife! We just got back from a party for my brother’s birthday, and she’s still letting me write to my “fans” at 9:30 at night. What a sweetie! Hey, I can’t let down my peeps!

Mmmm – momma loves her some peeps!

Ok, so this is kinda old news, but I’m with the Indy fans on this one. Michelin advised drivers to pull out of last-last week’s Indy car race because of an issue with their tires. The result was 6 of 20 cars racing and MANY ticked off fans. That’s like going to see the Blue Collar Comedy Tour and Larry the Cable Guy is the only one there – and he’s entertaining himself with 15 minutes on bodily functions.

Since I’m so into car racing… Danica Patrick never said she was “upset” by comments made about her/women in racing by Formula One boss Bernie Ecclestone. I’m not sure what’s so offensive about this comment: “Women should be all dressed in white like all other domestic appliances.” I’m not even sure what that is supposed to mean!

I’m writing this with the TV on and just wondering how the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory remake can be advertised as a “world you’ve never seen before.” Sure I’ve seen it before – in the original movie! Do they really think we’re idiots? Can they not sell this film with a better trailer script?

Yeah, I’m probably going to see it anyway. C’mon, tell me a film Tim Burton and Johnny Depp have put together that was not worth seeing.

In NC this week, a man was arrested for growing pot in his grandmother’s garden. “No, Grandma. I think it’s a new type of rhubarb…”

Did you know you can buy candy that tastes like marijuana in Atlanta (shock!)? Um, I may be ignorant on this, but would that actually taste good? My wife tried that new green apple flavored gum this week and her breath smelled like pot. I don’t think she appreciated when I told her that.

So, how many warnings and disclaimers does it take for people to NOT replicate a stunt from the show Jackass? Some boneheads in PA just got arrested for faking a kidnapping they saw in the Jackass movie. Is it me, or should people that follow this show and replicate gags from it be called dumbasses instead of jackasses?

Damn MTV – they are ruining EVERYTHING!

I almost gave TomKat more publicity, but I stopped myself. You’re welcome!

In AR, a man woke up to find a car had landed on him. Someone fell asleep at the wheel, drove off the highway, and jumped their vehicle into a house, landing on a man in bed. Ever wake up and not know quite where you are? Well, this is a new level. Bo and Luke tried to apologize, but Enos cursed them as he was taken off to the hospital.

Daisy, would you pick that up for me?

Why drugs and Mexico don’t mix – the drugs FROM Mexico are making the Mexicans think there is a revitalization of the “Saint Death.” In fact, because of the unusual number of deaths near the Mexico/US border, people are actually building shrines to stave off the creature. Of course, this has nothing to do with the drug war at the border – that would make sense. It’s gotta be the mythical creature infected into the druggies’ minds…

The family of Mahatma Gandhi is seeking legal action against a restaurant called Handhi Gandhi’s. OK, I’m no marketing genius (what a second…), but why would you name a restaurant after a guy who is famous for fasting?

I know you’re dying to go to Vietnam and eat at the Kim Ngan Ngu Thien, or "golden feast," restaurant as they put gold (literally) in the food. You better hurry – because it’s about to stop. It’s like skipping the dentist! If you get a cavity you can fill it yourself at the same time!

Paintings by the monkey, Congo, actually outsold Warhol and Renoir last week in London. I’m teaching my dog how to paint! I think all real artists just threw their brushes out a window.

I love the freaky religious people that handle snakes thinking God will save them from the deadly venom. Some guy in Cyprus tried to hand-feed a king cobra and is now fighting for his life. If he survives, friends say he’s going to start working with piranha.

Hey, NHL – the NBA got it done in about a week. What’s yer excuse?

Jeremy Roenick is a bonehead! His comments about who’s at fault in the NHL lockout just sent the fans farther away. Congrats! It’s the most expensive ticket in sports – quit whining and start playing again!

A man celebrating his 100th birthday by taking a helicopter ride actually survived when the chopper crashed! Is this guy from Highlander? When I turn 100, I will celebrate by getting a tattoo that says, “C-Note.”

I’m quickly losing respect Lindsay Lohan. I kinda liked her when Mean Girls came out – she had a body and didn’t do many stupid things. Well, now she’s getting way too thin and she just pitched a hissy-fit at the premier of her little Herbie remake. Seems Lindsay thought the song that she recorded for the film should have been played during a chase scene, not during the closing credits. “I recorded it right before I got sick (from exhaustion) and went to the hospital. And then I shot the video for it and re-sprained my ankle. I pushed myself to get it done for the movie when I probably should have waited.” So, she ran out of the theater and needed to be consoled by her entourage. Co-star Matt Dillon had to keep telling Lohan how beautiful she was to get her to face the press again. OK, that’s freakin’ pathetic, rich people frustrate me! Especially when the press turns them into role models!

An attempt to build the largest Popsicle ended with a flooded park in NY. Hot day plus frozen Snapple equals sticky mess of goo! Who was in charge of logistics here?

Hey criminals! I’m here to help! If you are planning on robbing a joint, don’t fill out a job application as your “in.” Or, if you think it’s a good idea to gain the trust of the pizza place by filling out an application as if you want to work there, then at least give FALSE info! In other words, don’t do what Alejandro Martinez, 23, of Las Vegas did last week.

I didn’t know baseball players in Korea were fans of the Kids in the Hall! A ban on using a frozen cabbage leaf under your cap to keep cool has left players yelling, “Why – is it because I have a cabbage for a head?”

My granddad is bigger than your granddad! A 73-year-old man in Kenya literally killed an attacking leopard with his bare hands. He simply reached in the leopard’s mouth and ripped its tongue out. I think he’s starring in the new Indiana Jones movie.

OK, to me this is just not right! A transsexual in Australia was allowed to play in the women’s soccer league. Is there no transsexual league he/she/it can play in? Maybe we should start one – even for all sports! I think tennis is already half way there…

A woman is suing a radio station in KY. She won $100,000! The candy bar that is. Needless to say, she was just a little upset! But those things taste so good! What idiot at the radio station thought this would be a good promotion?

Hugh Grant and Eugene Robinson are going back to school! OK, not really. But they should be! There is a “Johns School” in NY that teaches men caught soliciting prostitutes how to, uh, curb their appetite. Then they get their picture on a billboard!

OK, so I joke about how I’m bound to hell by some of my comments. However, I haven’t had to worry about this – yet! A man in Ljubljana (look it up!) was carrying a metal cross in a funeral when he was struck down by lightning! OK, he must have done something REALLY bad!

Over 200 gallons of liquid animal fat spilled into the sewer in IA last week. So, how’s your breakfast this morning?

Muslim students are being arrested for wearing jeans and not cutting their hair. Crazy Muslim hippies!

A woman in Germany fled when she was suspected of shoplifting. She left her baby behind! Suddenly I don’t feel like I need to examine my priorities!

Sean Taylor, safety for the Washington Redskins, could face up to 3 years in prison on assault charges. The NFL will tell you that there are fewer legal problems in the league this year, but I haven’t seen anything positive yet! I guess ol’ Sean here pointed a gun at someone during a dispute over an ATV. This may shock you, but he went to the University of Miami! I’m pretty sure having a criminal record is a pre-requisite to attend U of M!

A minor league baseball team is honoring Curt Schilling’s courage from last year’s World Series by giving out bobble-ankle dolls in his likeness. I need one! These things are gonna go for thousands on eBay!

I have to tip my hat to the Spurs. I wanted them to win, mostly because nobody would burn down San Antonio. When Detroit wins a title, looting and destruction quickly follow. In San Antonio, some fat hick says, “Whut? We did? S’cool I guess. Where’s my beer?”

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Matson Jones

My brother has had a large influence on my musical tastes ever since I was a kid. He introduced me to the Beatles, the Who, the Clash, the Monks, the B-52’s, and many others I can’t even think of right now. I certainly had my own groups that I liked, but I blame/thank him for turning me into a music junkie! And now, he’s done it again.

A local (Fort Collins) Colorado band called Matson Jones has just hit the scene. Though the CD has a 2004 copyright on it, the release date was early June. The coming out party is soon! They are HUGE in Fort Collins, and there is a good reason – they are reshaping pop/punk/alternative music and have a bizarre concoction of instruments, harmonies, and style that will make you want to hear them over and over.

Matson Jones is:

Martina Grbac: Cello, Vocals
Anna Mascorella: Cello, Vocals
Matt Regan: Bass
Ross Harada: Drums, Casio

Yeah, two cellists! So don’t think you’re going to hear yet another (insert random string quartet here) plays Metallica. You may be reminded just a little of something like that until the vocals and drums kick in. Then we’re off on a completely different and incredible sound.

The vocals are my favorite part – mostly done through a speaker box with awesome harmonies that are reminiscent of one of my other favorite bands, That Dog. Also, the lyrics are very repetitive to keep the punk feeling to the group.

I want you to be the one of the cool kids – the first one to tell your other music loving buds about this band before they hit it huge, because they will. So here’s what I want you to do:

Visit the official website: www.matsonjones.net. There you can hear clips from about half of the songs on the CD. If you like it, let me know and I can assist you in picking one up! There are not many places that carry it so far.

In Denver:
Wax Trax 303.831.7246
Twist & Shout 303.722.1943
Black & Read 303.467.3236

Also, use the web site to see Matson Jones in concert! They are touring and hitting the following cities (including Denver this weekend!):

6/22 COLUMBIA, MO @ MOJOS

6/23 KANSAS CITY @ BALANCAS PYRO ROOM

6/24 OKLAHOMA CITY @ THE CONSERVATORY

6/25 DENVER @ WESTWORD MUSIC SHOWCASE

6/26 DENVER @ LARIMER LOUNGE (BBQ SHOW / EARLY)

6/30 COLORADO SPRINGS @ HILLSIDE GARDE

7/07 SALT LAKE CITY, UT @ MO'S

7/08 SAN FRANCISCO, CA @ THE PARKSIDE

7/09 SAN FRANCISCO, CA @ HEMLOCK TAVERN

7/11 LOS ANGELES, CA @ SPACELAND (BELLRAYS RESIDENCY NIGHT - Free)

7/12 LOS ANGELES, CA @ SEA LEVEL RECORDS 7:00 PM Free Show

7/14 PHOENIX, AZ @ MONROES

I love this CD – haven’t been able to turn it off since my bro handed it over to me! Go to the website and listen for yourself. If you want to send me some dough to pick one up for you here in town, I’d be happy to! I certainly think the Bills need a copy each! And NO I will not burn it for you. I’d rather support these guys and girls and help them out! Or, call/visit (via the web) one of the record stores above and ask them to ship one to you (I’m partial to T&S myself).

5 out of 5 (I love every tune – that never happens!)

Sunday, June 19, 2005

PAFC NEwsletter 6/19/05

Happy Father’s Day! Love my dad – he’s almost as cool as my mom!

I’m beat! Seriously, I am dead tired tonight!

We’ve been moving this weekend and I’ve literally been carrying boxes and furniture for 3 days straight now. I should have stock in Advil!

I need to sincerely thank all that helped us out! KT’s brother showed up early and we got right to it. Train was not far behind, and we started getting the moving truck loaded. I got a 15’ truck in hopes of getting everything done in one trip. OK, 2 trips as KT and I moved many many many boxes on Friday, as well as cleaning out our storage unit. I wanted only the big furniture left for Saturday.

So my nephew was next, followed by Ernald who got there pretty much on time as far as what I requested for everyone. We were about to the end of the truck, and trying to play a little Tetris to get everything to fit. It was clear the extremely heavy elliptical trainer and the grill simply weren’t going to make it. Then, like Mexican knight in tainted armor, Ortega shows up in a Ram pickup! Not only that, the self-proclaimed “Biggest Mexican in Colorado” brought a 16-year-old kid who was 6’ 4” and weighed about 275! They hauled Ellie up from the basement and into their pickup, then grabbed the grill and we were off! More or less one trip, sans some small things we grabbed later.

Not only did Ortega and the moose haul the stuff over, but the also carried most of the big furniture (including Ellie) up the small stairwell and into the respective rooms. They were awesome! Then they disappeared before the pizza arrived!

Today I spent organizing the boxes and stuff in the garage so we could get our cars inside. Mission accomplished. We still have quite a bit to do, but it feels like home already and the puppy is getting used to everything.

Needless to say, this could be a short letter!

So what happened this week?

Not guilty! Right! But at least MJ learned that sharing your bed with various children is wrong. And it only took how many millions in legal fees and payoffs? He’s about as not guilty as I am not funny. BTW, I’m DAMN funny!

Some dude in Germany just hit the world record for speeding at 155 MPH, but he could not be caught. The guy was on a motorcycle even! Tom, please don’t try to break this record! The guy was going so fast, the camera that clocked him was unable to read his plate. My wife may tell you I’m that fast, but it would have nothing to do with driving…

If you saw Bruce Almighty in the theaters, you know this is a mistake. However, the first directly elected president of Indonesia thought he should publish his cell number in an attempt to be closer to his people. It kinda backfired as he’s received thousands of calls and crashed his line. If you recall in Bruce Almighty, he was getting paged by a number that did not start with 555. The result: people nationwide calling the number demanding to speak with God. Um, it’s a MOVIE!!!! Do you really thing you can call God directly by a number from a COMEDY FILM? Guh!

A man in NY thinks having two 50-pound leopard cubs in his house is harmless – even around his 4 young children in the house. NY says no. The cubs say LUNCH!

All I can say is it’s about freaking time! Washington is having classes for public workers to learn how to properly enunciate words. So, if you are getting on a train and traveling to work, the recorded message before each stop tells you precisely where you are. I’m all for breaking the communication barrier – something I briefly experienced this weekend while renting the truck. It’s amazing how many people are in this country (and I’m not saying they are all foreign) that have no clue how to speak. If you want a job in the business of assisting customers, the first question on the application should be about speaking proper English. As well as many other keshtons dey should aks you!

Not only is she converting to Scientology, but they are engaged! Who cares? First he steals her religion, then her single status. Good lord, I’m turning in to a tabloid again!

In England, a family has just been caught with 350 animals in one household. 350! Inspectors discovered 131 dogs, 48 cats, 80 rabbits and 86 guinea pigs at the house. How can you even try to feed that many animals, and how do you GET that many? One stinky dog is plenty for me!

Watch out – the conservative gays in Spain are threatening to out the political leaders if they don’t change their position on gay marriage. Um, I really don’t care if people are gay, so outing these leaders means nothing as far as I’m concerned. And who really gets hurt if gay people are allowed to marry? Like I said before, buy FTD stock as soon as it’s legal, cuz there’s gonna be some lavish and over the top parties happening! Don’t play the “ruining the sanctity of marriage” card with me – over half of all marriages end in divorce, so I’m thinking the “sanctity” is pretty much toast!

A man in Berlin won the lottery 3 years ago. He’s blown it all! And now, he’s been robbing homes to make up for it. Why shouldn’t he? Those damn home shopping networks are crooks!

Since we’re speaking about the Lotto – I won it last weekend! OK, not really. However, a woman in PA has won it twice already this year! This chick has won a million dollars on a scratch off ticket twice. Wouldn’t you stop after the first one? Give someone else a chance!

I’m sure you all heard about the 4-year-old that died on a Disney ride last week. Not to point fingers, but when there are multiple warnings about the ride, why are you bringing a 4-year-old on it? The “Mission: Space” ride spins people at twice the force of gravity and has sent many to the hospital with chest pains, etc. Get the 4-year-old off it – I don’t care if he is tall enough!

Is it true? Is Dancing With the Stars really the number one show in America? Even getting higher ratings than the NBA Finals? Something tells me the NBA players just lost a HUGE leg up in the new collective bargaining discussions! “You want more money? Go dance at halftime!”

Speaking of basketball, Phil Jackson is back in LA. Why was he forced out in the first place? Can he really do something with selfish Kobe on this team? Whatever!

A high school student in KS has been charged with battery for vomiting on his Spanish teacher. OK, that’s pretty funny right there! “Habla en Espanol THIS, Senior!” The teacher claimed the puking was intentional, and it was! Maybe the teacher was boasting about his new stain-resistant pants and the kid didn’t believe him?

Don’t mess with a lawyer’s money! A public defender in ID was informed about a raise coming, then later heard it would not actually happen. Her response was a greeting card accompanied by a jar of petroleum jelly and a tube of red lipstick. “The next time you choose to give us something please lubricate and/or kiss first,” she wrote. Sweet!

A rape victim in India is being forced to marry her rapist – who is also her father-in-law! What kind of law is this? Community leaders believe that by allowing herself to be raped (because it is something many women have COMPLETE control over), she has nullified her marriage of ten years. First, she must live with her paternal family for 7 months to become “clean” again, and then she will be forced to marry her father-in-law and live with him and his legal wife. So, she will be her husband’s mother. I’m not sure how this rectifies the situation here. Is the father-in-law being rewarded a new and younger wife for committing rape? I’m totally confused here! Anyone?

God bless the New York Yankees! Seriously, I thought I was dreaming when I read this! First of all, they are using their own money to build a new $800 (remember, million is always implied in stadium building – and the number of times I said, “Mother of PEARL” in frustration this weekend!) stadium. No tax payer money requested! Secondly, they will NOT tear down historic Yankee Stadium. Instead, they will allow little leaguers in the Bronx to play there. That is just damn cool!

Can Pam Anderson pick a rock star or what? Kid Rock is being sued by a disc jockey for $575K. I guess he punched the guy at a strip club. Maybe Pam should keep her druggie rock star husbands away from the naughty joints?

Don’t even think about it – that shower water stained Jesus on eBay is MINE! Darnit! Golden Palace Casino outbid me!

It’s a good thing OJ didn’t live in Beijing! A man put to death for butchering his wife was actually innocent. She was actually in jail the whole time. And I mean whole time – it’s been 28 years since the trial and 26 since the execution. Uh, oops?

Pac Man is 25 this week. Chomp chomp chomp!

OK, I saw this headline and I was a little grossed out, “Study Finds Climbers Face Diarrhea Risk.” OK, it really means that they face elements that are not clean, leading to a bad bowel. I was just picturing the wrong thing…

Not to stay on the poopy subject, but some high school cheerleaders in TX were sent home for putting feces on a pizza and trying to frame a rival cheerleading squad. They’ve got WAY too much spirit! How about you?

On that note…

Sunday, June 12, 2005

PAFC Newsletter 6/12/05

Again, if it were anyone else… Russell Crowe was arrested for throwing a phone at a hotel employee this week. If that were just an average businessman throwing a phone, the bellhop would have called him an expletive and told his friends about it. However, when it’s Russell Crowe, then we need the police involved and possibly file a multi million dollar lawsuit. Crowe did apologize, but not directly. He waited until he was on Letterman to apologize! The bellhop was working that night and missed it.

Why do all of the best stories come out of New Delhi? An Indian temple is fining a family because their infant child urinated on the mom in the temple. Um, not sure the family or the child had any control over that! It’s not like the kid purposely desecrated the floor! For the record, I have not urinated on the floor in church – not even the Methodist church!

Chill out – it’s only a month away! Two men in England were arrested for trying to sell a stolen copy of the new Harry Potter book to a tabloid. Seriously, it comes out in a month – relax! What would the tabloid do with it anyway? If they gave anything away, people would swear them off! Rumor is, Harry is now on steroids and has given up Quiddich for football. “Flying brooms are for wussies!”

Everyone loves Muslims, don’t they? I mean, even the show 24 has done public service announcements to say that the show is only a show and Muslims are wonderful people. But not Italy’s justice minister – a member of the right-wing Northern League party. He is fining Muslim women that wear the all-covering burka in public. I guess there is an Italian law banning the covering of a person’s face in public. To hell with tradition and customs! Good thing there isn’t a law banning back hair in public, or 98% of Italians would be in jail!

Guilty pleasures of the week:

1) Hit Me Baby One More Time – a TV show on NBC that features somewhat one-hit-wonders of the 80’s and 90’s playing their, uh, one hit and then covering a current hit. Last week (Thursday nights) included Tommy Tutone (Jenny Jenny, 867-5309), The Knack (M-M-M-My Sharona), Haddaway (What is Love – think Chris Kattan and Will Ferrell in a Night at the Roxbury), The Motels (Only the Lonely), and Vanilla Ice (Ice-Ice Baby)! They came back in the second half of the show and played, All The Small Things (Tommy Tutone/Blink 182), Are You Gonna Be My Girl (The Knack/Jet), Toxic (Haddaway/Britney Spears), Don’t Know Why (The Motels/Norah Jones), and I’m a Survivor (Vanilla Ice/Destiny’s Child). The host is a buffoon, but the performances were pretty good! Sad I missed Loverboy the week before!

2) Beauty and the Geek – yes, I’m still watching this! I reviewed it last week and I’m all wrapped up in it! I swear, I’m defending these people and telling my wife what the redeeming qualities of the show are. I know, I should be beaten like a rented goalie, but somehow the show has me mesmerized!

However, I refuse to watch Dancing with the Stars. And, frankly, it scares the hell out of me that it was 2nd in the ratings last week! Maybe it really IS the “International Phenomenon!”

I’d like to speak with the grandmadam please… An 80-year old woman in NJ (does that surprise you?) was busted for running a prostitution ring through an escort service. Insert your own denture joke here!

I’ll try to stay away from the crude and obvious jokes on this one as well, but a woman in Australia was arrested for smuggling 51 fish under her skirt in a specially designed apron. During a customs search, an officer said he could hear flipping noises coming from her waist. I think she tried to pull off an Alien scene, but she was busted anyway.

Charlie Brown is missing! A 6’ statue of good ol’ Charlie Brown was swiped from in front of a restaurant in CA. Don’t be too sad – there are 54 MORE Chuck statues hanging around the town of Santa Rosa. What a bunch of loveable losers!

Also in Santa Rosa, a new form of protesters has been uncorked! People are now planting endangered flowers (illegal to destroy) in areas that are proposed for new housing developments. Seriously, donate your time to charity!

Speaking of charity, can someone tell me why the one we shall not mention needs a 26-karat, $5 (remember, million is always implied in celebrities wasting money – and tears of a clown!) engagement ring? If you are that disgustingly wealthy, why not get an extremely obnoxious 4-karat ring for a cool million and donate the rest of the money to a decent cause? Oh, yeah – because you are the most disgustingly self-centered pig of a person on the face of the earth! Her emaciated arm won’t even be able to hold that preposterous thing up!

Mmm – PBJoint sandwich! People are getting very creative in smuggling pot – even in GA! Some guy tried to smuggle pot via his PBJ sandwich into prison. Now he gets to stay longer! YAY! Oh, and idiot potheads in MN are stealing signs for 420th street. Honestly, get a job! Maybe MN Viking Onterrio Smith was one of the culprits! He was just suspended from the NFL for the season for substance abuse. Totally worth it!

OK, if you’re going to be a purse-snatcher, you better not be afraid of elderly women! A would-be purse-snatcher who said, “I’m going to take your purse”, approached a 91-year-old woman. She replied, “No you’re not” and beat him with the purse until he fled. That’s good stuff right there!

In SC, an off-duty police officer was just a bit surprised to see his own stolen Jetta come driving down the street. He pulled his cruiser around and arrested the car thief. If you’re going to steal a car in a small town, at least leave the city limits! Duh!

Here’s the dumbest thing I’ve found on line this week: a man in Italy had his license suspended because he is gay – the police weren’t sure if he was suitable to drive. OK, he’s GAY – not retarded or 106 years old with cataracts! The final ruling: The court on the Mediterranean island said being gay was merely "a personality disturbance" which had no bearing on a person's ability to drive. Uh, thank you?

What’s the matter, bunny?

So, if you want to rob a bank, make sure you have your OWN getaway vehicle. Some idiot in SC took a cab to a bank, asked the driver to wait, and then came running out with a fist full of cash and customers following him. Needless to say, he didn’t get anywhere. Maybe he needed the money for a car?

When I saw a headline about “Underwear Thieves” in Cambodia, I thought they stole underwear. Um, actually, they rob people while DRESSED in their underwear and greased up so they are harder to catch. If they ever broke into our house, my wife would probably be unfazed as I pretty much run around in my underwear all the time.

For that visual, you’re welcome! There’s more where that came from if you come see me at Freak Train on 6/27. I promise it could be disturbing!

Not as disturbing as this: after a family in Russia didn’t pay their bills for 2 years (it took 2 years?), the police broke in to find them all dead. The best part is that all died at different times! Ugh! Someone call someone!

Since I’m on a roll here: a woman in NY found human body parts in her back yard. Apparently a stowaway mistimed his leap into a planes wheel well. The rest of him landed at the airport. Pilots noticed a “vibration and pounding” after takeoff. No biggie!

Is Michael Jackson feeding Macaulay Culkin’s fix? I’m thinking that as long as Macaulay says good things about Jackson, MJ sends the boy prescription drugs and, uh, other stuff. Yeah, Jackson never touched Culkin – as much as Monica never touched Wild Bill!

The guy that got shot in the leg and still delivered the pizza he was carrying should be on an inspirational poster in an office. Forget the soaring eagle; show the limping, bleeding guy with the word “DEDICATION” over his head! Or, you can use a picture of the guy in LA that escaped prison by digging a hole – just like in the movies!

God bless Penn Gillette! First of all, he and his partner Teller are brilliantly entertaining. I’ve seen them do some of the most amazing and funny things! Secondly, he had the moxie to name his newborn daughter “Moxie Crime Fighter Gillette.”

OK, weekend highlight had to be running into Tommy Chong at Twist and Shout Saturday with my wife and niece. He was even kind enough to let us take a quick camera phone pic with my niece! FYI, he was driving a Suzuki sedan!

Lee won’t like this, but a 220 pound black bear chased a dog back into a house in VA. The dog was attacked as the bear went on a 40-minute rampage in the house. Owners eventually locked the bear in a closet – the dog was treated for puncture wounds. My Lab high-tails it back into the house when she sees a Chihuahua!

Also, in Costa Rica, a priest has been sentenced for killing a street dog that disrupted service. “What’s that? There are how many commandments? Ten? Really? You sure it’s not just 6 or 7?”

A man led police on a chase in Greece that ended up on an airport runway shutting down air travel. You’d think the man stole something pretty impressive to endanger that many people and end up on a runway. Yeah, he stole cookies. Not diamonds – cookies!

There is a big, stinky problem in Vancouver – and I’m not talking about Todd Bertuzzi! Apparently, the homeless are dropping deuces in the alleys as business owners will no longer let them use public restrooms unless they are paying customers. It’s really bugging people taking their smoke breaks at the back doors of offices. Ah, because cigarette smoke smells so much better! I knew the NHL lockout was getting to these hockey players, but I thought most of them would at least use a restroom properly!

Remember when you were a kid, playing outside on a summer day, and you heard the jingling music of the Ice Cream Man coming down the street? You dropped everything and ran to mom for some money to go get a Bomb Pop! Well, the stoners are doing the same thing in Memphis as the local Ice Cream Man is selling drugs out of his truck! Nice! Might as well get the kids hooked early – like at the age of 5!

I told you cats are the devil’s creatures many times. A pair of kittens in Tokyo used a fax machine as a litter box which sparked a fire damaging their owner’s house. The owner put out the fire and was treated for smoke inhalation. The cats, of course, scattered to safety without any problem. Little evil things!

Talk about a mad cow! Police in Nigeria arrested a cow (yes, a cow) for killing a bus driver who was urinating on the highway! Maybe this cow should be sent to Vancouver!

Just in case you are feeling more comfortable with our highly trained border officials looking out for ANYONE that could be detrimental to the well-being of Americans, let me make you a little paranoid again. A man carrying a sword, a hatchet, brass knuckles and a chain saw stained with what appeared to be blood crossed the U.S.-Canadian border this week. I’ve seen 8-year-old girls in pigtails get cuffed and frisked in airports, but “Jason” walked right on through! No worries, thought: two days after being allowed into the United States, Gregory Despres, 22, was arrested in Massachusetts in connection with the beheading of his elderly neighbor and the stabbing death of his wife in the New Brunswick town of Minto. So, you know – no big deal there.

In Houston, two daughters have sued a synagogue after they found a potato chip can in place of their mother's remains behind the locked, glass door of her niche in a mausoleum. “So if the sour cream and onion chips are here, what did I just eat?”

You know, there are stupid people all over the country – not just in the south! In Chicago, a woman let her 11-year-old son drive home from school. The boy crashed the minivan near a group of kids, but nobody was hurt! Yes, the mom was in the car, perfectly sober, but just plain stupid!

A student in England is turning road kill into art. Nothing says “Happy Father’s Day” like a desk set made out of a dead squirrel! And NO, you may not have my monkey head lamp OR the lambdle my brother gave me!

You know, when you send the kids to school, you want them to learn from the best. For instance, when being taught about safety when starting fires outdoors for camping, you want a retired forest ranger like Gary Hodgson in NY. Well, you probably wanted him before last week when he had a little mishap and nearly burned down the school. Something tells me Gary should stay retired!

Speaking of retired, Mike Tyson gave up mid-fight last night! Tyson fought Ireland’s Kevin McBride on Saturday. Iron Mike tried to break McBride's arm in the 6th round, and then tried to hit him low. When all else failed he aimed his head at McBride's forehead, butting him and opening a cut next to his left eye. “I was desperate,” Tyson said. “I wanted to win.” Nothing like wanting to win fairly! I’m gonna miss him like Herpes in remission!

Sunday, June 05, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 6/5/05

For the record, you should try on ALL clothing when shopping at an outlet mall. I found a great XL orange shirt, and then saw a yellow one too. I didn’t try on the yellow one, and found out that it was marked incorrectly. However, I wore it to work and felt EXTREMELY uncomfortable all day long. But the orange one is great. So, anybody need a large yellow polo?

Not sure if I believe this, but Christian Slater was arrested for groping a woman in public. Seems Slater touched her booty at around 1:30 AM. A wise man once said, “Nothing good happens after midnight.” OK, so he may have given her a little pinch – I’m thinking she’s making a big deal about it because he’s Christian Slater. I’m not saying you should go around grabbing women on the butt; however this isn’t even close to his last arrest (he allegedly bit a man in the stomach and threw a police officer against a wall in 1997). Maybe he’s just a little lonely?

People are protesting the concert of Slipknot in Greece. The Greek Orthodox Church does not approve of the band’s violent lyrics and references to the devil. The last time I brought up this band, someone questioned me for calling them a death metal band and said it made me look stupid. Then they told me they are an alternative band. OK, I’m saying no! They may not be “death” metal (like Cannibal Corpse), but they certainly aren’t going to be in a bin next to REM any time soon. Maybe we should compromise with “alternative metal?” Nah, screw it – they’re a metal band that wears creepy skull masks and screams violent lyrics! But they sound cool, so who cares?

BTW, I saw a Ministry video on VH-1 Classic’s “The Alternative” so I just gave up trying to categorize music.

I’m going to move from violence to peaceful monks now. What’s that? These monks are fighting? Is it a movie? NO? Actually, in Thailand there are rival monks fighting in the streets! I didn’t know monks flipped the bird, but that’s what started the brawl. I guess these guys have been trading insults and rude gestures forever. That doesn’t sound very Buddhist to me!

Do you ever wonder how some wars just suddenly end? The other side gets a huge leg up and it’s over? Well, it looks like there may be something behind that in India where they are investigating reports that an army brigadier sold the country's battle plan before the 1965 war with Pakistan to fund his wife's hobby of canning fruits and vegetables. Shoes I can understand, but canning fruits and veggies? Well, he did get $400 for the plans, so NOW I see why. Wait, no I don’t!

Sorry, ex-prostitutes, but you cannot teach in Oregon. Sure, California is fine with it, but not in OR. I wonder what exactly they are teaching. I wonder what the high school kids think when they find out their teacher used to be a hooker! OK, this can’t be a good thing!

Some countries do stupid things. Americans idolize scrawny rich bimbos with no talent, and the British run down steep hills after cheese. It’s time again for the annual cheese rolling competition! The winner took home his piece of cheese, after he went to the hospital with a few broken bones. “The pain was worth it,” he said. “This cheese is going straight in a cupboard when I get home. It's definitely not for eating.” Mom must be so proud! If I’m breaking my arm for cheese, I’m eating it dammit!

A woman found $3000 in a chair she bought at a garage sale a few years ago. She’s very excited, and claims she doesn’t remember where she bought the chair. She never looked in the chair the last two years she has owned it, but she does remember paying $2.00 for it. This is a moral dilemma as far as I’m concerned – that ain’t her dough! Shouldn’t she go back and find the original owner? This reminds me of the “Holiday” ham I received a few years ago for a bonus at work. One of my Jewish co-workers called it the ultimate Jewish dilemma – free ham!

A few weeks ago I wrote about a woman who tried to start her own house on fire because her daughters wouldn’t give her drug money. You guessed it; she’s started a trend! Now a man in IL set his own house on fire to get his guests to leave. He was successful at both – burning down the house and getting the guests out. However, it was really his mother’s house. Sweet!

OK, so I saw this on another blog and thought I needed to share it. It’s the Teen Girl Squad! Ridiculously funny and random cartoons with a voiceover that sounds oddly like Brak from Space Ghost! Here are links to the 8 episodes:

http://www.homestarrunner.com/tgs1.html

http://www.homestarrunner.com/tgs2.html

http://www.homestarrunner.com/tgs3.html

http://www.homestarrunner.com/tgs4.html

http://www.homestarrunner.com/tgs5.html

http://www.homestarrunner.com/tgs6.html

http://www.homestarrunner.com/tgs7.html

http://www.homestarrunner.com/tgs8.html

The mermaid baby has her fins split! Some freak of nature kid in Peru was born with her legs fused together, just like a mermaid! This week, doctors performed surgery to separate Ariel’s legs, and she will live happily ever after. The end!

Maybe it’s just because I’m horribly mean, but I’m finding this next story extremely funny! A fan at a Snoop Dogg show was encouraged by some performers to climb up on stage. After he got up there, performers kicked and punched him, poured alcohol on him, ripped out his diamond earrings and stole his watch, cell phone and wallet when he approached Snoop. Honestly, some people are just asking for it!

If you think Americans are reaching for stuff to complain about (and we are), look how bored they are in England! There is a new commercial for a chicken restaurant that shows patrons enjoying their food so much they are (gasp!) speaking with their mouths full! Not that I particularly want to see that, but how bad can it be? Personally, I find Old Navy commercials more humiliating when they take disco songs and change the words to make them about clothes. In fact, Super Skirt/Freak is stuck in my head right now! HAHA – now it’s in yours too!

Natural Selection Part 1: You know how I always say that only the great musicians die in horrible accidents? And why can’t something tragic happen to, like, Ashley Simpson? Well, we got close! Former East 17 star Brian Harvey is critically ill in a hospital after he was run over by his own car. How the heck did he do that? Did he drop his lit cigarette out the window and he went to fetch it?

This week’s sign eBay is destroying America: Astronaut Neil Armstrong is suing a barber who auctioned off a lock of Armstrong’s hair for $3,000.00

A message in a bottle saves 88 people lost at sea. Smugglers sent the immigrants adrift after their ship started taking on water. After 3 days, someone in the group tied a bottle with an SOS in it to a line from a nearby fishing boat. And this lovely adventure only cost the immigrants $3,000.00 each!

Did you need another reason to not watch Britney and Kevin: Chaotic? How about the fact that she rambles on forever about how good their sex is while she is pregnant! Do we really need to know this?

Here’s the latest reason why the paparazzi needs to be controlled – they purposely hit the car Lindsay Lohan was driving in because she was trying to avoid them and flag down police. That’s just lovely! Did they not learn anything when they killed Lady Di? Apparently Cameron Diaz is the next target – she is suing the National Enquirer for pics of her hugging her reality TV show producer. They used a headline saying she is cheating on Justin. OK, I officially never want to be famous now!

Crazy elderly people crack me up! In Australia a woman in her 80’s was denied a new driver’s license, so she and her husband took off and avoided police for two weeks! A geriatric Bonnie and Clyde! Not to be outdone, an elderly couple was busted in NJ (where else?) for having an entire arsenal of weapons stored in their house. We’re talking about nearly 500 guns, including AK-47s and high-powered rifles, 500 pounds of gunpowder and 100,000 rounds of ammunition! When they tell the neighbors to turn down the music, they better listen!

Alert: Most ridiculous story this week! In CO, Al Lender (heir to the Lender Bagel fortune) is facing a recall election for city council. Protesters are leaving bagels and nasty signs in his yard. The controversy surrounding Lender includes an admission to doing time for selling cocaine. His opponent actually accused Lender of using that story for sympathy votes! Is that what we’ve come to? Instead of digging up dirt on politicians, like selling cocaine, the politicians are actually getting sympathy for horrendous acts? That really struck me as preposterous! I guess any way you can spin something…

Natural Selection Part 2: A man in PA was injured while, uh, dropping the kids off at the pool in a porta-potty. When he lit a cigarette in there the thing exploded because of the methane gas coming from a pipe leak underneath. Of course he is suing!

This story sent my brother off into a bad impression of Dr. Phil:

“Never smoke where you #$^%!”

“How many times do I have to tell you, you can’t smoke a cigarette when you have a pickle in your hand?”

“Like my momma always said – if you’re gonna eat soup, make sure the dog is in the other room!”

In your FACE Renee Zellweger! Jack White is now off the market as well, marrying the creepy model from the new White Stripes video. It’s a match made in a surreal hell! The wedding took place in a canoe on the Amazon River in Brazil. Yeah!

Natural Selection Part 3: In case you needed an anvil to the head about where else not to use a lighter, may I give you a story about a man in NY trying to steal gasoline in the dark. I think you can draw your own conclusions to this story because you have a little something called common sense!

In Taiwan restaurant owners are being asked to serve food that engages the bowels. Taking this one step further is an owner that decided to serve his food out of toilets and urinals so you don’t miss the point. Well, if you’re eating dog, you might as well act like one!

I want to move to San Francisco just so I can see the new billboards of men that have been caught soliciting prostitutes! Sweet! “Isn’t that the guy that sits next to you at work?”

In Germany, a man was saved from being tied up and locked in a trunk of a car. However, it looks like he was into that sort of thing and was very disappointed when he saw cops letting him out of the trunk instead of his dominatrix. Bummer!

OK, so seriously, what IS the deal with Dave Chappelle? Rumor is he was doing stand-up in LA last week – he’s not in some insane asylum in South Africa! Well then git yer show back on the air, homey!

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Richard Cheese: Aperitif for Destruction

Everyone loves cheese! Especially when it’s covered in four-letter words!

Richard Cheese and his band, Lounge Against the Machine, have made a living (OK, secondary income) off of taking pop, rap, and rock tunes and adding a dollop of cheese to turn these classics into lounge music. And I have to say that it’s brilliant!

Aperitif features cheesy versions of:

1) “Me So Horny” (2 Live Crew)
2) “People Equals S***” (Slipknot)
3) “Welcome to the Jungle” (Guns ‘N’ Roses)
4) “Brass Monkey” (Beastie Boys)
5) “Let’s Get it Started” (Black Eyed Peas)
6) “Man in the Box” (Alice in Chains)
7) “Been Caught Stealing” (Jane’s Addiction)
8) “The Girl is Mine” (Michael Jackson/Paul McCartney)
9) “You Ought to Know” (Alanis Morissette)
10) “Enter Sandman” (Metallica)
11) “Sunday Bloody Sunday” (U2)
12) “We are the World” (USA for Africa)
13) “Do Me” (Bell Biv Devoe)
14) “American Idiot” (Green Day)
15) “Add It Up” (Violent Femmes)
16) “Somebody Told Me” (The Killers)

Are you hungry yet? If not, let me tell you why you should be. Cheese has an absolutely incredible voice (other than the drunken last track, which may be an act – who knows!). In fact, my sister-in-law actually thought I was listening to Sinatra when she got in my car the other day! And they also have a knack for adding the classic little touches, much like the brilliant Weird Al. Oh, yeah – Al’s a genius! I’m serious!

I thoroughly enjoy hearing the lounge voice on filthy rap songs like “Me So Horny.” The way RC sings this tune makes you wonder how people ever listened to it in the first place – what an insanely stupid song!

“Welcome to the Jungle” has got to be my favorite song here. I really love the quick “Lion Sleeps Tonight” reference – pay attention! I would have to say that it is perfectly structured and very detailed.

Who doesn’t bark along with the dog at the beginning of “Been Caught Stealing?” Well, Richard can’t seem to get the thing to shut up – hence the unfortunate incident caught during the recording in the studio.

I actually won a contest (this is pretty much an all request CD) for suggesting “Enter Sandman” as I’ve been waiting for the Cheese to do a little Metallica or Megadeth (this is their 4th CD). Adding an Andrew’s Sisters style intro (ala “Mr. Sandman Bring Me a Dream”) is a great way to lighten up a metal song!

I’m convinced “We Are the World” is on here for a quick Michael Jackson/children joke. Oh, and I’m pretty sure “American Idiot” is more of a tribute to Green Day and their Liberal views as RC is a bit on the left side. Not that there’s anything wrong with that!

The only disappointment would have to be “Add It Up” as it never got to the fun “momymomomamamomymum” part. I guess nothing is perfect, but I’m still enjoying every bite of this CD.

One more quick thing I noticed – the fake “other albums” in the record sleeve! I really wish there were 3 more CDs out there, because once you have one piece of cheese, you’ll want more!

You can probably pick up this CD in a decent music store near you, but you may have to ask for it. After trying 3 different sections in one store, an employee pointed me towards the Easy Listening section. Ah, never thought of that! Or, make it easy on yourself and just hit the website: www.iloverichardcheese.com

I’m gonna say 4.5 out of 5!

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Beauty & the Geek, WB Wednesdays

What the hell is wrong with me? Of all reality TV shows to make fun of, I actually watched THIS??? Someone shoot me – NOW! Because I kinda liked it…

Ashton Kutcher is behind the madness that is Beauty & the Geek. Yeah, THAT Ashton Kutcher! The same one that is dating his mother and thinks Punk’d is entertaining! Fortunately, he doesn’t host – he’s just the executive producer. Anyone who knows me has to know how much I despise reality TV! I hate the entire genre: the way it’s shot, the horrendously “dramatic” music, and the purposely long pauses by the hosts. Let me tell you why I got stuck watching this one.

The show pairs somewhat attractive dingbats with somewhat goofy-looking brainiacs. It is labeled a “social experiment” aimed at having the geeks make the women smarter, and the hotties make the men socially confident. But the women aren’t all that cute (maybe one or two) and the guys aren’t that geeky (sans one).

After the guests arrived at the house, the geeks were sent into one room and the beauties into another. One at a time, they played Red Rover and sent one from each team into the other room to introduce themselves. The group would discuss and decide who went with the person that just came in. After all contestants were paired, they had to select the room they would share – some had just one bed as others had two beds. It was just a little uncomfortable for most!

The really nerdy guy, Richard (has never kissed a girl), is very entertaining and funny – actually has a great sense of humor and can make fun of himself. He’s hardly a wallflower! He’s paired with Mindi (sorority girl), who is far and away the cutest girl on the show. They won the first TWO challenges, a 5th grade quiz for the girls and a dance competition for the guys. The winner of each competition was asked to pick a couple to send to the elimination room. So, because they won both competitions, they selected both couples. They selected Joe (has never been on a date) and Erika (life sized Barbie model), and Eric (computer programmer) and Cheryl (cocktail waitress).

The elimination room preyed on the contestants’ weaknesses. The women had 6 questions, 3 each that were based on politics. The men were asked questions about pop music. My wife and I actually discussed who we wanted to go, and who we wanted to stay! Since Erika ditched her partner Joe the first night to get it on with Brad (Mensa member), I thought they should stay for entertainment purposes. Eric and Cheryl were kinda boring, so I’m glad they got sent home. However, Cheryl had the best lines of the show: when asked when D-Day was, Eric helped her and said “1942” to which she argued, “no – 1942 was when Columbus sailed the ocean blue!” Wait, it gets better! When asked which president was in office during the Civil War, she guessed Hoover. She was told it was Lincoln and replied, “Oh yeah – D-Day!”

I can’t believe I’m writing this article!

Other beauties are Caitilin (Aspiring Fashion Expert – from Greely CO!), Krystal (not-so-cute NBA dancer), Lauren (Lingerie Model), and Scarlet (Beer Spokesmodel). The geeks are Bill (VP of the Dukes of Hazard Fan Club – shuddap!), Chuck (Medical Student who gets nose bleeds - classic nerd trait!), and Shawn (Asst. Boy Scout Master).

I swear I may watch it again! Not just because the girls are incredibly stupid and the guys extremely awkward, but because they know it and you can actually feel a little sorry for them! BTW, the winning couple splits $250K - which Bill swears he'll spend on a replica General Lee!

Don’t worry – I have a psych appointment on Monday!

Dare I say 3.5 out of 5!

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!