Monday, May 30, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 5/30/05

Happy Memorial Day!

Too bad the weather here in CO was crummy, but KT and I did manage to escape to the mountains for a few days – even brought our stinky, hairy daughter with us! We ate at Bubba Gump’s Shrimp for lunch on Sunday. They have a new appetizer called “Lt. Dan’s Titanium Space Legs!” Yummy! We even saw a Pat Angello Fan Club t-shirt! On me, but still!

Keep an eye on the blog as I may cut the Cheese, or review the new Richard Cheese CD…

Sorry, but no Freak Train for me tonight. Next month, I’m there! Again. And I’ll send reminders.

Dammit – Sam did it again! Sam Anderson, a not-so-proud PAFC member, has been published again in a book called Monsters Ink with a short story called “Can You Hear Them Coming?” In case you were wondering, Sam enjoys writing about dark stuff! You can get a copy of the book HERE. And for more dark stuff, go check out my little fiction site and tell me what you think of “Emily” as I have posted part 2!

Let’s start out with a bang this week – a participant on the reality TV show called “The Colony” was found dead in England this week. Police are not sure if her death had anything to do with the show, but considering that show was about modern people living in the 19th century and the weapon was a butter churner…

Pope Benedict’s apartment is up for grabs! A flat in Bonn Germany that he lived in from 1959-1963 is on eBay, of course. Not sure what the Golden Palace Online Casino will do with it when they buy it, since they buy EVERY stupid item that gets publicity!

I’m hearing that Michael Jackson will be leaving the country after the trial (regardless of the outcome) and auctioning off the Neverland Ranch. I’m in! There’s got to be more places to stash alcohol in that building than syringes in a baseball locker room!

BTW, you can bet on the outcome of the Michael Jackson trial online. How pathetic are we as a society?

I love stupid people! And sometimes they don’t get much dumber than people in the south! For instance, a 38-year-old man in AR literally leapt from the passenger side of a vehicle traveling 55 mph to retrieve his lit cigarette that blew out the window. OK, I’ve heard of pulling over on the highway and backing up to retrieve a tarp before, but this is just crazy! He lived, but he suffered serious trauma to his nose, eyes, chin and ego after jumping from the car. And, this may shock you; he was drunk at the time.

While I’m in the south, how about the 57-year-old great-grandmother in AL that gave birth to twins last week! Her husband/son/brother was very excited! Also, in OR, a girl was born with 14 toes and 12 fingers. Yeah, she’s not the anti-Christ! I can’t remember where, but another woman gave birth to identical quadruplets – extremely rare and very creepy!

Click it or ticket this weekend! Unfortunately a woman in CA didn’t get the memo as she had NINE people crammed into her vehicle! Someone called the police when they saw the woman close two kids in the trunk, while four were in the back seat, and one was in the passenger seat with a baby on her lap – none had seatbelts on. Time to get a minivan!

Did you know you can also get arrested for a vanity plate? I think we’re safe with AVSFANS, but you should probably stay away from C9H13N. I’m hoping most of you have no clue what that means, but it’s actually the chemical compound for methamphetamine, and despite a state law that prohibits references to alcohol or illegal substances on vanity plates, it may be perfectly legal. I almost got GOSSMER for my big orange Avalanche vehicle, but then I figured I wouldn’t have a big orange vehicle forever. And now it’s gone, so I’m glad I didn’t! However, every time I get possession of the AVSFANS plate, my wife manages to steal it back from me! Maybe I should get NJELLO again?

What’s the deal with women drivers? Before you freak out on me, consider the woman in Philly who rammed her car into a school because she didn’t like the way other students were treating her children. A little anger management? And I thought the girl I carpool with to work was scary behind the wheel! Seriously, I wear Depends on the days she drives!

And I’m walking home today!

Since when did calling 911 to complain about food service become acceptable? OK, so it’s not exactly acceptable, but why do people think it’s the proper use of an emergency number? First there was the woman calling 911 because her local Burger King kept messing up her order. Now, there is an 86-year-old woman in Charlotte who called 911 twenty times inside of a half hour because they refused to deliver a pizza to her apartment (out of their range). She asked police to arrest one of the workers who called her a crazy old coot, but officers arrested her instead. Then she resisted and attacked an officer (scratched, kicked and bit him). This is the second time she has been arrested for misuse of the 911 system, and she threatened to hit the arresting officer with a chair last time. She’s 5’ and 98 pounds. And a little feisty!

While I’m on the subject of feisty old people, Burt Reynolds slapped a CBS-TV assistant producer! Ol’ Burt was upset at the guy for asking about the new movie without seeing either version of “The Longest Yard.” I think most interviewers should be slapped, especially in sports and entertainment. Watch the look on James Hetfield’s face in Metallica’s “Some Kind of Monster” when some idiot asks him to sum up Metallica’s career in one word. What is that?

Jerry Rice is a Denver Browncoder now. Should we be excited? When is Rodney Peete going to join this team? Denver is now the city where washed-up football players go to die. We’re the New York Rangers of the NFL! How long before we sign Kellen Winslow Jr. and Sr. as a package?

Do you really want socialized medicine? A doctor in Sydney turned off the life support on a patient because he needed the bed for surgery. Why wasn’t this guy in Florida 15 years ago?

The Italian mob strikes again? An Italian fisherman traded his Mercedes for a rare leatherback turtle (rumored to be endangered) and sent the turtle to the zoo in Rome. The man that caught the turtle originally needed a mechanical excavator to get the large turtle out of the water. The Italian fisherman supplied the excavator in a deal trading his Mercedes for the turtle. No Viagra was traded.

Motley Crue is suing NBC after the network banned the group for life. Apparently, the Crue said a naughty word on Leno and NBC got mad. So what about System of a Down on SNL a few weeks ago? I think we should sue NBC for airing that wedding of the teacher who was sleeping with a 12-year-old student! I’d much rather explain a four-letter word to a child than the ethics of a woman who is suddenly being praised for statutory rape!

FYI, Mick Mars is still the ugliest man in rock and roll!

For the record, the season finale of Lost was simply fantastic! How they managed to leave you with MORE questions was just incredible! And, on a side note, we caught the rerun of Grey’s Anatomy – the pilot episode. One of the patient’s on the show had a familiar name, Katie Brice (my wife’s maiden name is Katy Brice). When Dr. Grey called Katie a “pain in the ass,” it brought back painful memories for my wife of my signature in her 8th grade yearbook. I, on the other hand, am still laughing about it! I’m also sleeping on the couch – again!

I always complain about the frivolous lawsuits in this country, but I found out why people sue so much. It’s because they keep winning ridiculous amounts of money for nothing! Remember the woman who spilled hot coffee on her own lap at McDonald’s and was rewarded for being clumsy? Well now a disc jockey in Detroit has been awarded $10.6 (remember, million is always implied in frivolous lawsuits – and soldiers who fought to give me the right to whine online!) because she was fired after an allergic reaction to a colleagues perfume. The next time I get turned down for a job, I’m going to take the salary it paid, multiply it by 30, then again by 10, and sue the Sopranos claiming I was turned down because they portray Italian Americans in a negative light.

This could be about a week away!

The Canadian suicide hotline has changed its hours. If you are suicidal and living in Canada, please be respectful and call them during normal 9-5 business hours. There is no time for depression after 5 or on the weekends.

People in West Virginia must be bored to death! A man was arrested for wearing a Grinch mask in the streets. Why? No idea! Apparently wearing a “hood or mask” on days that are not Halloween is illegal. I SO want to move there – no hoods, camels coming out of nowhere and sitting on you…

Colorado is on the map again for something repulsive! Yearbooks at a high school in CO have been delayed so administrators can black out a caption under a student’s picture that says, “Most Likely to Assassinate President Bush.” Nice! I am so proud to be in this state! I don’t care who you voted for, that is just not right. By the way, the election is over – please remove your stickers – all of you!

Just when he hit the jackpot, an owner of a music store in FL was arrested – probably because he sold 11 organs in 18 months to a woman with Alzheimer's disease. His wife just thought business was picking up!

Hey, another dumb southerner! An 18-year-old robbed a taxi and then shot himself in the foot while trying to get away. And I mean he literally shot himself in the foot with his own gun! I wish I could make this stuff up sometimes!

A woman in OR is suing Yahoo because her ex-boyfriend is posting naked pictures of her online and in Yahoo chat rooms. OK, first of all, don’t let him take the pictures in the first place. Secondly, why aren’t you suing him? Like Yahoo is responsible! Again, take responsibility for your actions people!

Have you heard about the Australian girl that was sentenced to 20 years in Indonesia for importing 9 pounds of Mary Jane? She’s claiming the pot was planted on her at the Australian airport, but her defense attorneys could not really prove it. She’s actually lucky, because they would normally kill you for this in Indonesia – she’s only getting 20 years! At least she has Russell Crowe on her side, which may not help her. Look what he did to Meg Ryan’s career! The Australian government is trying to help her, but arresting officers claim she looked nervous and tried really hard to not let them open her bag right before the pot was discovered. Not looking good! I honestly have never really tried the stuff, but most people I speak with that have say it only makes them tired. I use Melatonin for that!

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Good Morning, Doctor!

It’s been a long time since my last physical. With Kate and I (OK, mostly I) trying to keep steady jobs and random insurance, I’d say it’s been about 7 years. However, with some of my dad’s recent medical issues, he hounded me until I made an appointment. He also gave both of us a long list of things to have tested. Blood, urine, triglycerides, PSA… The doctor we selected is my father’s doctor as well, and my dad is a well-known retired physician in this city. You say my last name in the medical arena, chances are someone knows him. In fact, one of his old patients is buying our house, but I digress.

This is my first visit to this doctor, so there are about 6 pages of paperwork. Insurance cards are copied and co-pays are paid. I’m on about page 3 and filling out the “For Women Only” section – it was early and I hadn’t had any coffee yet so cut me some slack. I try to copy the list my father gave me in the “List Specifics You’d like to Cover” section, but he’s a retired doctor and “triglycerides” looks more like “Tyrannosaurus” but I can make out most of the other words. I’m not done, but my name is called so I follow the nurse back.

The nurse brings me back to the scale. I ask if I can take my cell phone off so it looks better, but it still didn’t look good. Apparently pants, shirt and shoes weigh roughly 6 pounds! She brings me into an examining room, and then realizes I’m a new patient and she needs to measure me. I’m guessing my weight drops the little scale/measuring thingy down an inch. Suddenly I’m shorter and fatter than I thought! We go back into the examining room and she takes my blood pressure. She says its borderline high. She leaves and I finish the paperwork.

The doctor comes in and asks me the same questions I just answered in the 6 pages I filled out earlier. Can he not read my writing? We talk about exercise, which I do 4-5 times per week for about 45 minutes. He says that’s good. I bring up my weight, and he spits out the left-handed compliment of the year, “well you’re not obese!” I asked him to repeat that into my memo function on my phone for motivation. Instead, he asks me to strip down to the undies and he leaves the room.

When he comes back, he says he was not happy with the blood pressure results and takes it again with a smaller cuff. Now I’m normal, and I feel a little better about how things are going. Stinkin’ nurse! We start discussing the list from my father. The doctor says that most things on there are typical of what he covers, but mentions the PSA is a bit out of bounds for someone my age. The PSA is a prostate analysis that is a relatively expensive test and usually isn’t done until men reach their mid-forties. He says insurance will not cover it, so we decide not to do it.

After some deep breaths and a wandering stethoscope, he asks me to drop the undies for the hernia exam – the glove is on! FYI, they no longer grab you by the peach pit twins. He basically puts a flat hand inside your pelvic bone and asks for a fake cough. Hey, no big deal! Until… “Why don’t you turn around and bend over and we’ll give your prostate a quick swipe.” There’s a tube of gel, a glove, and I am at his mercy. This had to be the longest 2.5 seconds in the history of mankind! With a, “seems like everything is nice and smooth,” our Moon River moment is over. I am handed a box of tissues and told I can put my clothes back on as he exits. I told him I loved him too and wondered what ever happened to dinner and foreplay.

After he leaves, I start to giggle as I think of how I can share this moment with my faithful fan club!

He returns, shakes my hand, and leads me back to the phlebotomists. I wait my turn until a thorny-haired woman tells me they have an open chair. She approaches me and asks if I ever feel faint or lightheaded when having blood drawn. I respond, “I don’t know – it’s been a long time since I’ve had blood drawn. Why don’t I just look away…” She looks at my chart and says she knows my father. If I had a nickel for everyone that says they know my father, I wouldn’t be working.

After she is finished drawing the blood and sticking the giant cotton ball on my arm with enough tape to reattach a side view mirror, she hands me the urine cup. “Just go into the bathroom, fill it up, and place it in the two-way metal door.” That sounds simple enough. I do my thing, open the door, and there are 3 other cups in there. Good thing she labeled it! Is it just me, or does that sound a little unsanitary? I wash up, I leave, and I walk funny down the stairs.

Leather seats GOOD!

Coffee from Einstein’s was a God send! By the time I get to work, I have removed the cotton ball from my arm and get extended mileage from the, “my boss has driven me to heroin” joke all day long at the office. It’s old now, and so am I. Just think, 3 years and I get to do it all again!

Sunday, May 22, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 5/22/05

Oh, NO! It’s DEVO!

Thanks for all the emails and YES I’m excited that Devo is coming to Denver! My wife is actually going with me, as long as I say we are going to see the English Beat, Missing Persons, A Flock of Seagulls, Dramarama, Real Life, & Devo. But, dammit, I’m taking her to Devo! For tickets, check out the House of Blues web site at http://www.hob.com/! The tour is called the Lost 80’s Live and should be coming to a town near you!

I’ve always wanted to see a Bozio live and in Person!

Since I’m talking music, the newest Hot Hot Heat CD is pretty impressive, and new System of a Down is really fun! I may write them up this week, but don’t hold me to it… However, I have added a few new blogger links on the blog!

So, with the summer concerts being announced, you may be wondering what the hottest concert wear is this year! Well, my new Bootsy Collins Hawaiian shirt is pretty sweet, but I understand at least one person was spotted in a Pat Angello Fan Club t-shirt (www.cafepress.com/pafc, www.cafepress.com/pafc2) at Coachella, probably because the other doofus forgot his!

God bless FOX for keeping Arrested Development alive despite its horrendous ratings! Again, trust me when I tell you, rent season one on DVD and try not to get hooked – it’s impossible! AD is the smartest sitcom in YEARS and somehow nobody is watching it.

Speaking of horrible ratings, Britney & Kevin: Chaotic scored a whopping 1.9 rating! You may recall another reality show called The Will that was cancelled after its first episode because it had “the smallest audience ever for a series premiere on any major network” with a 2.9 rating. Not sure you can call UPN a major network really, but apparently SOME people liked the show (http://kathrynon.blogspot.com/2005/05/chaotic.html)! Lord knows I won’t give it enough of my time for a review! The 45 seconds I saw of it reminded me of a green toned Blair Witch project with very horny actors. If you’re hoping for reviews from me on Hell’s Kitchen and Dancing with the Stars, let me nip that in the bud right here as well!

Some freak in Britain is wandering around in a suit that is soaked, not speaking to anyone, but playing the piano like Billy Joel and Elton John tag-teamed Tori Amos. He’s very unapproachable and nobody knows where he lives, but a mime claims to know him. Yeah, a MIME said he knows the guy! If he’s hanging out with mimes, no wonder he doesn’t say anything. People at a psych hospital are thinking he’s extremely depressed as he will not speak or let anyone within 3 feet of him. Again, this is why I don’t hang with mimes! Not only are they depressing, but also they really scare me!

Stop the world – 14-year-olds are HUGGING! But not in Oregon, no sir! Sky View Middle School in Bend, OR has banned hugging in the school and kids are getting detention over it. Hugging, not making out, just hugging. With so many 12-year-old mothers showing up on talk shows, I think schools should focus on something a little more important than hugging! Wait, this isn’t just a hug hello or goodbye – this is “protracted” hugging. What is this world coming to?

The Italian mob (shuddap!) in Rome is being accused of injecting Viagra into racehorses to fix races. However, there is no information on how the drug affects the speed of the horses. I’m thinking the horses are a little, uh, anxious – maybe the Italians are just trying to help!

Only in Nebraska! A man shopping at the local Wal-Mart in Norfolk tackled a loose deer in the store. Somehow the deer snuck past the 105-year-old greeter until it slipped on the floor, then it ran down the aisle. A customer tackled it, and then (like it’s ingrained in their minds) a few other customers rodeo-tied its legs. The deer was then placed in a shopping cart and pushed out into the parking lot. Imagine seeing a tied up deer in a shopping card rolling through a parking lot – that’s half of a Tom Green movie already!

Has Ron Jeremy relocated to Tanzania? The people in a Tanzanian village are sleeping outside in fear of being raped by a spirit-monster called Popo Bawa (bat’s wing). The rumor is that this spirit only attacks people in closed doors late at night. I guess that rules out OJ. One villager recalls, “I couldn't call out for help to my husband who was lying asleep beside me. Popo Bawa is strong: He really presses down on you. And it took such a long time: One hour! Eventually I lost consciousness.” One hour? Either Popo Bawa is tantric or the Italian Mafia is involved!

“Look like a tart or yer fired!” No, it’s not the next Apprentice: Las Vegas. However, a bartender in Vegas is suing because she was fired for not wearing makeup. In fact, Harrah’s has a “mandatory policy that it called ‘Beverage Department Image Transformation,’ which required, among other things, that women wear makeup.” I’m a little afraid to ask what “other things” refers to…

So, ya think yer cool with that new tattoo? Well it looks like yer just average now! In fact, the heavily tattooed people of yesterday are starting to get a little upset that tattoos are losing their nonconformist lure – everybody’s doing it! That’s why I held out. Now my unmarked, lily-white, fuzzy, round body is suddenly, dare I say, cool!

And now it’s time for a random Top 11 List!

Top 11 Words Created by God’s Gift of C-Rap Music:

11) Phat

10) Thang

9) Yo!

8) A’ight

7) Cred

6) Dissin’

5) Uhh!

4) Crunk (though I will argue that this word was created by someone on SNL before Lil’ Jon swiped it and got rich off it)

3) Babyda

2) Bling

1) (insert half of a noun here)-izzle

Care to add more? Then bring it on!

I know there are many signs this week that the apocalypse is upon us, but I think none are more frightening than Donald Trump developing The Apprentice: The Musical!

Did you know that sitting in a cubicle next to the printer/copier/fax machine makes everyone in your office think you are the expert repairman on said printer/copier/fax machine? For the record, I have no clue on how to fix the printer/copier/fax machine. My response from now on will probably be, “Did you kick it?”

Colorado is the home of Coors brewery! Yeah! And if you work for Budweiser and think you can drink Coors in the privacy of your own home in CO, think again! A man working for Bud was fired for drinking a Coors at a bar in Golden, CO. Do you think there’s a lawsuit coming? For the record, every appliance in my house is GE and my computer is Sun – really!

OK, maybe…

So much for people from Wyoming being a bunch of bumpkins! A couple from the University of Wyoming’s Computer Science Department have just been awarded a $100,000 grant to continue developing tiny robots built for cleaning up hazardous chemicals! These little guys will soon be able to detect and zero in on the source of bio terrorist activity. Sweet – they are actually more than a remote control car with a rag tied to the antenna!

We’ve all been arrested. OK, maybe not ALL of us. But for next time, here’s a tip on what NOT to do: don’t hit on your arresting officer. Yeah, some drunken bozo in Maine thought it would be smart to compliment the female cop that arrested him for DUI. Oh, and he also wrestled with her when she tried to cuff him because he wanted them to be “tied together.” Believe it or not, she’s not that into him!

My wife used to work for a company in Denver called Tasty Taxi – they would deliver food to your home from various restaurants around town. Now, in Aspen of all places, this idea is being taken one step further to have women dressed in tight t-shirts deliver lunches to construction workers. Great idea! You know the construction workers really need the encouragement to harass women!

Oh, NBA! Did we learn NOTHING from the NHL? Already talks for a new collective bargaining agreement in the NBA have broken off with no new meetings scheduled. The current agreement expires at the end of June and, unfortunately, the players and the owners just can’t figure out how to split billions and billions of dollars in revenue! This time, it IS the greedy players as they changed their minds after both sides were close to a deal in mid-April. Guess who won’t feel sorry for any of them? Are we really going to be down to just two major sports? Let’s just expand lacrosse away from just the east coast and make the tickets cheap – I’d totally go! And not the indoor crap with the constant heavy metal music and annoying PA guy from the local rock station! The real outdoor game is what I want in Colorado! And how long before baseball shoots itself in the foot? Sure it came really close a few years ago, but the ridiculously paid players just keep getting what they want. I love to look at the salaries of baseball players and see if I’ve ever heard of the 95% that make over $3/year (remember, millions is always implied in sports salaries – and the number of people that will claim American Idol is prejudiced because the two finalists this year are Caucasian, even though the last two winners weren’t – just wait!).

There was a bomb scare on a NY subway train last week. It wasn’t a bomb; however, it was a remote camera set up to film up women’s skirts. People are just plain sick and wrong! And now I’m out a perfectly good camera!

A man in West Virginia was arrested for breaking into a church, A CHURCH, to use the pastor’s computer to look at porn sites. My theory: if this country was a little more open to nudity, kinda like in Europe, then this wouldn’t be such a taboo subject and the rebellion edge would be gone. Sex crimes would go down, and the jails would be less crowded. Seriously, half of these crimes are committed because of the adrenalin rush of doing something that is deemed to be “wrong!” If people didn’t look at nudity as a dirty thing, the temptation of being rebellious would be gone. Just my two cents…

Since we’re on the subject of rebellion, Ricky Williams is rumored to be interested in returning to the NFL. Of course he is! If he comes back, then it looks as if he wasn’t really suspended for failing drug tests and he won’t have to pay back his $8.6 signing bonus. However, Vikings running back, Onterrio Smith, WILL be suspended this year for substance abuse strike 3. Is pot really worth losing millions of dollars for? Stupid potheads!

Check out the macaque! There is a rogue monkey roaming around Tokyo! Macaques have been know to attack and bite humans, isn’t that right my lovely wife! Ask her about her monkey encounter and steer clear of the macaque! I said macaque!

Is West Virginia the freakiest place in this country or what? Some woman was painting a fence and got trapped when a camel sat on her. A 1500-pound camel came out of nowhere and sat on her as she was painting a fence! WTH?

She STOLE my idea! A college student in NJ is selling her body as advertising space through ebay! Didn’t I mention this idea months ago? She plans to place temporary tattoos on her abdomen while she's at the beach or on other body parts when she's at the mall, sporting events, amusement parks and other public places. And by seeing her pic online, the $11,000/month is money well spent! She doesn’t need ads on that body to get attention!

This is awesome! A calf in New Mexico was born with 5 legs. Yeah, that’s a little creepy!

If that link wasn’t disturbing enough, why don’t you search for Saddam in his tighty-whities! Seriously, there’s a picture of him in his undies doing laundry that are being published in the US and Britain. Not sure anyone really wants to see that, but if you have an odd perversion, well there you go!

Eye doctors in India are trying to ban a new movie called “Naina” (Eyes). The movie is about a blind person that gets a cornea transplant and then can suddenly see dead people. Eek! The docs are afraid this movie will scare people away from cornea transplants. It’s FICTION people! Just like the Da Vinci Code – not real! Did you know albinos are having issues with the Da Vinci Code’s villain being albino? Yeah, because there’s never been an albino villain before! Ya know they’re just a tad creepy to begin with…

Brazilian police were assigned to destroy a desolate village and tear down the homes where squatters gathered. However, the police hit the wrong village and destroyed perfectly legal citizen’s houses. Oops!

Oh, 5/23 is our wedding anniversary by the way! 7 years and she still finds me entertaining, only rolling her eyes at about 48% of my jokes. And I still find her to be as cute and sweet as ever, except when she hits me with the belt. I don’t like the belt! In honor of our special day, as a tradition since year 2, we’re going to see the new Star Wars movie. It’s kind of a silly tradition, but the films always come out right around our anniversary. However, if I see anyone in the theater dressed in costume, I will smack ‘em! I just don’t understand that! Can’t you just go to the film and enjoy it in normal clothes, like a Pat Angello Fan Club t-shirt?

Sunday, May 15, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 5/15/05

So I was wearing this lime green shirt at the mall the other day and people were looking at me all funny. Probably because it had a scary picture of my brother on the front (www.cafepress.com/tonyaas) and a collage of me on the back (www.cafepress.com/pafc, www.cafepress.com/pafc2). Would you like to get funny looks from people in public? Well then go buy a freakin’ t-shirt! And, YES, my wife was seen in public with me in that shirt. Not sure how exactly, but she hasn’t run away screaming…yet!

For those of you who don’t know, my wife Katy and I actually met in Jr. High. We graduated high school together and knew each other, but didn’t hang out really in high school. The scary thing is, she actually took a picture of me standing up against the lockers in Jr. High!

Yeah, that’s good stuff right there! Believe it or not, Katy’s friend Brooke thought I was hot. Well, how could she NOT! I mean, can you see that pic there? Anyway, I wasn’t very nice back then to the woman I eventually married. Here’s what I wrote in Brooke’s yearbook in 1983:

“Brooke, Have a great summer and stay away from Katy. –Patrick Angello”

In case that wasn’t mean enough, here’s how I signed Katy’s yearbook:

Katy, You’re a real pain in the butt, but it was nice meeting you. –Patrick Angello”

Hey, at least I spelled her name right! Give me SOMETHING! It’s OK, she was in love with Ken and his huge head at the time as I recall by her scribbles in Brooke’s yearbook.

You so CRAZY! The brilliantly funny Dave Chappelle has disappeared – reportedly checking himself into a mental health facility in South Africa! Wow! I knew the guy was nuts, but I didn’t take it literally! He is a great comedian and his sketch comedy show on Comedy Central has really killed me a few times. He had just signed a $50 (remember, million is always implied in TV contracts – and the number of people that think Barber Shop should be a trilogy) contract for Chappelle’s Show. This is just odd!

I know I went WAY out on a limb when I predicted that the two number one seeds in the NBA would play for the title. Sorry to disappoint, but I was hoping to make some upset calls in the first two rounds. I guess I blew that! I have one major complaint about the NBA right now (really, just one – and it’s not Bill Walton) and that is WHY must they play music during play? And all the stupid noises after a dunk that come over the loud speakers? Is the crowd not enough? We, as a society, are quickly destroying everything that is good by trying to make it better. Hockey is toast, and I’m sure the Canadians LOVE us for that, and everything gets over-hyped that people no longer care anymore. Unfortunately, this makes the networks think that they didn’t hype the event enough and it gets worse every year! I’m just so tired of it all. And can someone explain how Jim Rome got famous? I swear to you, the guy made the dumbest comment ever said on the radio. (Next to the DJ that noticed Danny Elfman did the theme to Desperate Housewives and said Elfman “popped up after hiding for the last 20 years.” Yeah, one of the most accomplished movie soundtrack composers in the world has been hiding!) In April one year, the only time that all 4 major sports are active (spring training is about to end in baseball, hockey and basketball are heading to the playoffs, and football has its draft), Rome literally said, “You know it’s a slow time in sports when you’re hearing about the International Marble Championships.” OK, how long and hard did he have to search to find something about that? Who has EVER seen any press about a marble tournament, and what other month of the year do you see all 4 major league sports showing activity? Freakin’ moron!

Whew, I feel much better now!

A man that claims he originally wrote “Sometimes” is suing Britney Spears for the song. What? She doesn’t write her own songs? The man wrote the song in 1990 but didn’t copyright it until 2003, but Spears already had a copyright in 1999 for the tune. However, the man DID send a copy via the mail (a “poor man’s copyright”) in 1990. Spears’ response, “I now know for a fact that you wrote ‘Sometimes.’ But there's nothing I can do about it. That's all I can say about it.” There’s PLENTY she can do about it, like share some of her billions of dollars with the guy! Seriously, a few million is nothing to her and would make the guy shut up! What an ungrateful bizzle! I hope this pregnancy thing turns her into a 450 pound monster!

Remember the good old days when parents thought their kids were on drugs? Well a girl in Britain was thrown into a bag and almost hurled into the river by her mom and aunt because they believed she was a witch! Members of her family had regularly abused the girl after they had become convinced she was putting curses on them. “They called my uncle and they all started slapping me. They were going to throw me into water. They were going to throw me off the third floor where my auntie lived.” Nice! No word on the girl’s age, but what century is it anyway? She couldn’t possibly be a witch – she’s gotta be the anti-Christ. Duh!

Being a person who has never ingested or attempted to use illegal drugs (just not my thing, not that I’m a poozy), I am always fascinated by the lengths people go to trying to pass urine tests. The latest product is the Whizzinator (http://www.whizzinator.com/)! This is a fake, uh, appendage that literally urinates out your urine. What are you thinking people?

I know some pet owners are a little goofy about their animals, but do we really need a product that interprets dog barks? All you have to do is look into your dog’s eyes to know how it feels. Big brown sad puppy eyes means, “Do you have to go?” Happy excited eyes means, “Where are we going?” Seriously, donate the money that went into producing this product to a homeless shelter or something!

BARTLESVILLE, Okla. (AP) - A man has been accused of exposing himself outside of a restaurant while wearing a white mini skirt.” Please step away from the man in the mini skirt. I repeat, step away from the man in the mini skirt!

While we’re on the subject of disturbing men, a man in France stripped in the French Senate to show opposition to the European Union constitution. I guess he was hoping nobody wanted to see it SO badly that they’d just do whatever he asked when he got down to the undies!

It gets worse: a high school senior in WI was ticketed for disorderly conduct because he wore a dress to prom. The school claims the disorderly conduct was because of his dirty dancing with his date, but the kid claims many people were dancing like that and he was singled out. How proud his parents must be! Maybe you can find him on a T-shirt here: www.cafepress.com/tonyaas!

Having trouble with a restless toddler? Maybe you should have someone ram a car through the kid’s bedroom! A man on the run from police crashed a stolen vehicle into a house and then took off. The guy plowed the car into a baby’s room, but fortunately didn’t hurt the kid. And the kid slept through the entire thing! Better get him a Clocky when he gets older or he’ll never get to school on time!

“It's tough to hide a 10-foot weenie,” Rock Hill police Lt. Jerry Waldrop said. Someone stole a sign featuring a 10 foot hot dog in a bun in South Carolina. What did you think he was talking about? “I just want my weenie back,” said owner of the hot dog stand, Loyd Ardrey. You can’t make this stuff up!

While I’m picking on South Carolina, a gun safety class at a middle school ended with shots fired! The officer teaching the class was trying to demonstrate how hard it is to get the gun from his holster and challenged a kid to grab it. The kid pulled the trigger and the holstered gun went off. Fortunately nobody was hurt, and I guess the cop showed that you really can’t get a gun from his holster. You can probably shoot him in the foot, but the gun would stay put.

Nerds, er, some people paid $500 each to get a sneak peek at the new Star Wars film. I think the money went to charity (please, God, tell me the money went to charity!), but I found some photos of the party! http://www.livejournal.com/users/krautboy/243291.html

If you are traveling to Mexico in the near future, beware of Mariachi bands! It seems there has been a recent run of pirate Mariachi bands in Mexico and they are stealing people’s wallets and purses. Now, exactly how scary can a little round Mexican in a sombrero be?

People will do just about anything to get noticed. Such as putting their face on a t-shirt and expecting friends to buy it! Or, trying to find inspiration for writing a novel while living in a box in an art museum. It’s supposed to be the literary equivalent of reality TV, but a couple starving writers thought people would actually be interested in seeing what they can come up with after living in a box for a month. Well, it certainly has all the excitement a novel should have with, um, a box and, um, a guy and, uh, well, I think that’s about it! It’s sure to be a best seller!

Why should you sweat the details? A high school in Florida has postponed handing out diplomas to their graduating class because many names of students and faculty were misspelled. Oh, and simple words like “chairman” as well. Sownds lyke dey gott demselfs a edgucashun!

We are currently under contract as we sell our house and it’s supposed to be a cash deal. So this next story scares me! A couple in Idaho just bought a house with a completely forged cashiers check! Granted they were caught, but they made a $37.10 check look like it was worth $317,000.00! Yeah, just one more thing to make me nervous about this deal!

Only in the south! A man has been accused of alcohol poisoning a toddler! Seems ol’ Uncle Bubba thought letting a 16-month old drink a mixed beverage was a good idea. The kid is going to be OK, but what the heck is the guy thinking? I mean a dog, sure, but a kid? Wait!


Wednesday, May 11, 2005

PAFC Newsletter 5/11/05

A mid-week newsletter! With so many fun things happening already this week, why wait until Sunday?

I’m becoming a blogger – I really enjoy hitting the “next blog” button at the top of my blog just to see what else is out there. In fact, I’m finding it so fascinating that I’ve added many links to some fun sites in the right hand margin of my blog! Also, sometimes I write exclusive articles for other blogs that you won’t see on my own. Maybe you should click on a few and see if you can find more of my stupid e-comedy!

Uh, that’s a hint!

Did you know that you can buy a t-shirt or mug with my, er, mug on it? Seriously! Just go to www.cafepress.com/pafc or www.cafepress.com/pafc2! Want to see my brother in a ridiculous prom getup? Go to the Tony Angello Appreciation Society at: www.cafepress.com/tonyaas!

This is a great story, but it really saddens people like us that want kids. A dog saved an abandoned baby in Kenya last week. The dog carried the baby through barbed wire and across a road to her litter of puppies. Fortunately there are many people stepping up to adopt this kid!

Eric Idle a Tony winner? Idle wrote Monty Python’s “Spamalot” and it has been nominated for 14 (not a typo!) Tony awards! Granted having Hank Azaria and Tim Curry star in it couldn’t hurt, but a Python play up for a Tony? Will Dodgeball win an Oscar now, or The Simple Life an Emmy?

The comedic genius of Don Knotts will be rewarded with a parade in West Virginia! Hey, he’s the king of the over-acted double take and you know it! Anyone that has made a complete buffoon out of himself for that long and fought off the advances of Floyd the barber DESERVES a parade!

After dating Jack White and Jim Carrey, Renee Zellweger has settled on Kenny Chesney! Yup, she’s off the market now, married for the first time. Could she be the inspiration for Chesney’s hit “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy”? I just want to know what Chesney has that Jack White doesn’t? Great complexion, clean hair, decent clothing, what?

Speaking of celebrity weddings (am I turning into People Magazine all of a sudden? I better report on what Prince William had for breakfast!) Model Heidi Klum married that bigheaded alien Seal this week (uh, the singer, not an actual alien seal). Yeah, it’s a shotgun wedding! I wonder what the kid will look like? It’ll probably be a mocha color with creepy “war scars” on it’s face but GREAT legs!

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned! Just ask one of the 8 people that ate some of the poisoned pizza a Brazilian woman sent to a teenager she had a crush on. You know, Ex-lax in chocolate chip cookies is bad enough, but this woman put 8 people in the hospital in grave condition – two in comas and the others with bleeding throats. (Note to self: keep wife happy! Another note to self: hide rat poison! One more note to self: never use “note to self” gag again – just plain stupid. Maybe try “message to self”? No, too similar. There’s gotta be something else I can use! What about something like “hey – here’s an idea”? No, I don’t like that either. Maybe there’s a comedian I can totally plagiarize! What am I thinking – there aren’t any decent comedians anymore! Wait, there’s the Blue Collar guys! Is there anything I can add “here’s yer sign” to? Hmm, not really. This ain’t redneck material either. It does, however, have “git ‘er dun” written all over it! Yeah, I can steal, er, use that! Hang on; am I still typing what I’m thinking? Son of a…!)

I recall a great Bill Cosby bit where he spoke of how he and his brother Russell thought their names were Jesus Christ and Dammit for years! One day, Bill’s dad caught him playing in the rain and yelled, “Dammit, get in here!” To which Bill replied, “But Dad, I’m Jesus Christ!” Now, some moron in West Virginia (again) is trying to legally change his name to Jesus Christ! By doing so, he’s claiming he’s expressing his faith, respect and love. However, District of Columbia Superior Court Judge Tim Murphy denied him because “taking the name of Jesus Christ may provoke a violent reaction or may significantly offend people.” See? There ARE a few smart people in the judicial system! Either some idiots will follow the guy like he really IS Jesus Christ, or other idiots will scream “blasphemy” and try to kill him! Wow, it’s almost like becoming president! What kind of world is it when Jesus Christ can’t get a drivers license?

Feeling tough? Feel like you’re so hot and you’re the center of the universe? Well, yer nuthin’! Really, check out how insignificant you are! Here’s an email I got from a friend: “Florida State University in Tallahassee, Florida has put up a very interesting page on their site. It begins as a view of the Milky Way Galaxy viewed from a distance of 10 million light years. It then zooms in towards Earth in decreasing powers of ten. 10 million, to one million, to 100,000 light years. It finally reaches a large oak tree in NW Florida, and drills down to the sub-micro cellular level. [Note that it gives you the unit of measure at the bottom right corner - you will learn what the very, very smallest units of measure are called when you get to the oak tree cellular levels] Once you click on the site, the software does all the work. Sit back and imagine how perfect our universe is! You can play it forward and backward to be amazed over and over. At the end it says AUTO, click on that and review the process in reverse!” http://micro.magnet.fsu.edu/primer/java/scienceopticsu/powersof10/index.html

Do you remember the TV show Are You Hot with Lorenzo Lamas (of all people) using a laser pointer and telling waifs how much cellulite they had on their thighs? That was great. Oh, and now Maxim Magazine is putting out its Hot 100 list! First on the list is Eva Longoria from Desperate Housewives. OK, no argument there! Sure she’s a horrible person on the show, but DANG! And Evangeline Lily (Lost) is number 2, which works for me as well! OK, enough comments about agreeing with the magazine – I’m afraid my wife might make me a pizza if I keep it up. The top 10 also included Jessica Alba (YAY), Lindsay Lohan (stobbit – she’s a kid!), Jessica Simpson (oh, I see it was an equal opportunity competition that included the mentally challenged!) and Brittany Murphy (are you serious?). Could someone please tell my why the one we shall not mention is number 20 while Halle Berry is number 41? I guess any idiot can put together a list of things they think are great! (See 2004 PAFC Awards: http://patangello.blogspot.com/2005/03/2004-pafc-awards.html)

A monkey named Congo that painted and drew pictures in the 1950’s will have some of his art auctioned off this week. I repeat, people will bid on monkey art! If anything goes for more than $8.00, the heavens will open up and we will see judgment day!

The ice cream man punched out a 13-year-old kid that complained about the price of treats on an ice cream truck! I know teens can be brats, but just drive away, dude! Seriously, you beat up a kid because he thought the ice cream was overpriced? If the kid used obscenities, you should have a special gag Popsicle that tastes like garbage and give it to the kid for free!

Arnold will be president soon! When you make comments like this, you’re bound to get elected: “If we get rid of the moon, women, those menstrual cycles are governed by the moon, will not get (pre-menstrual syndrome). They will stop bitching and whining.” Good news – Schwarzenegger doesn’t really want to get rid of the moon; it is safe, for now! But I can’t make any promises for his next film, Terminator 4: The Moon is the Root of All Evil!

Police in Vancouver BC were called when two severed goat heads were found on a bench near a school. The Canadians thought it was a symbol of a satanic ritual. Actually, some guy that worked at a local slaughterhouse took them so he could have them mounted. I guess he changed his mind on the way home and left them on the bench for the school janitor to dispose of. See what happens to Canadians when there’s no hockey? They get all paranoid!

Speaking of completely stupid people, a woman in Louisiana set her house on fire in an attempt to evict her daughters for not giving her money to buy cocaine. After an all night drug binge, she asked her daughters for more money and they refused. The woman beat the girls with a board, and then claimed that the house was hers and she could do whatever she wanted to with it. So she poured gasoline on a laundry pile and tried to ignite it, and then she went after one daughter with an axe. See? Drugs aren’t bad! People on drugs are completely rational!

Sign number one that cats are the Devil’s creatures: A cat survived a fire and explosion that destroyed its owners' home and injured half-dozen firefighters.

Sign number two that cats are the Devil’s creatures: A woman who sued a neighbor after her cat was mauled by his dog was awarded more than $45,000.

Coincidence? I think not!

Good for the Philadelphia Eagles for refusing to let TO try to walk all over them! The Eagles owner refused to renegotiate Owens’ 7-year/$49 (remember, million is always implied in athletes salaries – and the number of people that watched at least 45 minutes of Riding the Bus with my Sister before realizing it wasn’t a comedy!) contract stating Owens’ new agent is giving “self-destructive advice.” It’s about time the owners stood up to these spoiled children we call athletes! If TO wanted more money, he should have negotiated incentives into the original deal! This team is primed to win a Super Bowl, which should be the most important thing here! They made it to the big game without him last year, why can’t they do it again? “I know I'm a top player in the game, and my current contract doesn't justify that.” Then why did he sign it in the first place? Sure he’s one of the top receivers in the NFL and doesn’t make as much as some others, but he signed the contract and now he wants out after just one season? Do you remember the way he cried his way out of the ORIGINAL trade last year that would have sent him to the Ravens? He’s a pampered pansy and doesn’t deserve a dime! I say fine him $200K for every day he skips camp! TO, shut up and go get a ring!

Sure you’ve seen this in movies, but can you really survive a 9-story fall by landing on a canopy? Well, a 70-year-old woman did! The woman was cleaning her balcony when she fell over the edge and landed on the first story canopy and ended up with non-life-threatening injuries. Just like James Bond!

Sunday, May 08, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 5/8/05

Happy Ocho de Mayo! I know he said it as a joke, but President Bush suggesting a Cinco de Mayo dinner on the 4th just made me laugh! At least I hope he was kidding. Sometimes, you just don’t know!

Oh, and happy Mommy’s Day! KT and I are each blessed to have fantastic mothers! However, I think that on the holidays where we are required to eat two huge meals we should be allowed to induce selective bulimia! I’m the first guy in the crowd to tell you there are too many skinny girls in the world, but I’m seriously considering sticking my finger down my throat as I type here! Holiday bulimics unite!

Since we’re on the subject, why even MAKE a 15 pound hamburger? Denny's Beer Barrel Pub, which lost its crown as the home of the world's biggest burger earlier this year, is now offering a new burger that weighs 15 pounds. Are you still wondering why we have eating disorders in this country? Just think of how disgusting you feel after a ¼ pounder at McDonald’s and multiply that by 60. The burger comes with 10.5 pounds of ground beef, 25 slices of cheese, a head of lettuce, three tomatoes, two onions, a cup-and-a-half each of mayonnaise, relish, ketchup, mustard and banana peppers - and a bun, and it costs $30. It can pretty much feed a family of 10, but you win a prize if you can finish it yourself within 3 hours. That prize? Free quadruple bypass surgery and all the nitroglycerine you can stomach!

Here’s some dumb good news: I won a contest! Richard Cheese and Lounge Against the Machine, a silly band that turns rock/rap/pop hits into lounge music, has selected my suggested song to be on their new CD! Heck, my name is on their web site: www.iloverichardcheese.com! I told them it was about time they did some Metallica, so Enter Sandman it is! This is honestly (and amazingly) one of my prouder moments!

For the love of God, there are locusts in Bangladesh! Huge swarms of ‘em! Could this be the end of the world? I’m thinking that a bigger sign would be the media attention surrounding some dingbat leaving her fiancĂ© two days before the wedding! Honestly, THIS is newsworthy?

I love dumb stoned hippies – can’t get enough of ‘em! I really love when they do dumb hippie things like try to pay for their pizza with pot. So the delivery guy shows up and dumb stoned hippie boy realizes he’s got no money. When the delivery guy refused the pot, the hippie pushed him and punched him in the face. I thought pot was supposed to mellow you out, man! What’s with the hostility?

Planning your summer vacation yet? Well, I cannot really give you ideas on where to go, but how about a tip on where NOT to go? I’ll say Cape May, NJ. Not because it’s in NJ specifically, but because they just lifted their 30-year-old Speedo ban. I don’t really care how proud some people are of their manhood, Speedos make EVERYONE laugh! Seriously, nobody wants or needs to see that!

Did you need another reason (other than my mother never coming to my house again) for me to not own a cat? How about hygiene! But now, some woman (with WAY too much time on her hands) has developed a training system to teach cats how to use a toilet. The gift of flushing is left to the owner. It’s just an 8-week process, and can be purchased (I can’t believe I’m touting this!) at http://litterkwitter.com.au/. That’s correct – Litter Kwitter!

I know you’ve heard about this, but the finger in the frozen custard is just sick and wrong! The guy KNEW he lost his finger, yet he still let the batch of custard go up front to the customers! Why would they not close down the shop until they found the finger? Did they not want all of the custard go to waste? “It’ll turn up eventually, just go help that customer!” Guh! Ya know, some kid working at Red Robin this weekend got a bloody nose and was immediately sent home by the manager. You just don’t mix biohazard and food!

Three men in Germany are about to go to trial for robbing 14 banks in the last 16 years and stealing about $1.3 (remember million is always implied in bank robberies – and number of people that don’t care who Paula Abdul sleeps with!). I know that seems like a long time span for those robberies, but what else do you do when you’re retired? Yep, the robbers are known as the Grandpa Gang, averaging 70 years in age! How can you not chase down AARP members?

Some people are dumb, and then there’s this woman. Laurie Ralston applied for a job as a dispatcher with the police department. When they did a background check, police quickly found out she has 17 traffic convictions, including seven speeding tickets and two citations for driving without a license. So they called her in for an interview and arrested her. Duh! She claims she had no idea the police were after her. So, were you not really present when you were cited for driving without a license? Don’t look for Ralston on Jeopardy any time soon!

I used to think I wanted to be famous, then I see articles like this and I SO don’t! Britney Spears’ pregnancy test sold to the (get this) Golden Palace online casino. Yep, the same people that bought the Virgin Mary grilled cheese sandwich AND the stripper implant! “It's hard to put a price on Britney Spears' urine,” said Golden Palace spokesman Drew Black, thus cementing his place as the most tasteless man on earth! To try to save their name (HAHA!), the Golden Palace also won the new pope’s former vehicle, a 1999 VW Golf, for $244K! I guess there might be a spot in heaven for them after all!

I don’t know about you, but I am always getting lost in grocery stores – they find the strangest places to put items! Now, thanks to modern technology, you’ll never get frustrated again! New carts with touch screen computers are hitting the stores! These carts will allow you to locate anything in the store, as well as order things from the deli without standing in line and keep a running total of what’s in your cart! Now if we could only get these in hardware stores!

Pam Anderson is boycotting KFC because of their “unethical treatment of chickens” that are ABOUT TO BECOME FOOD! Please! Is the chicken almost extinct and I missed the memo? Exactly how are we supposed to “ethically” treat these brainless birds that we call dinner? I guess we should coddle them and pet them until they are good and plump. Then we can give them a sedative before we hack off the heads! It’s food! Eat it and get those ridiculous looking things out of your body! People, Pam Anderson is trying to preach ethics! Keep an eye out for a swarm of locusts!

A man in India left home a few years ago to find work. When he returned this week, he came back to his wife a eunuch. Surprisingly, she wants a divorce! He earned money singing and dancing while away from home, but his wife now feels he’s an embarrassment to the family. I’m just putting this down as the meanest April Fool’s Day joke ever!

A Michigan high school marching band has been banned from playing the song “Louie, Louie!” Seems the superintendent of the school feels the lyrics are too raunchy for a high school band to play. Does anyone even know the lyrics to this song? What is it, the first song about sex ever? It’s so subtle, who can tell? I guess the super would rather they play “Rock and Roll Part 1” by Gary Glitter who was arrested for child porn – much better example!

This year’s award for dumbest football player in the NFL goes to: Kellen Winslow Jr.! I know, the season hasn’t even started yet, but Winslow broke his leg in the 2nd game of the season last year, thus destroying a promising rookie year for the first rounder. In fact, that injury cost him a $5.3 million signing bonus. However, Winslow thought it would be a good idea to go speeding through a parking lot on a motorcycle last week. He was thrown from the thing and now has chest injuries. Dude, if losing $5.3 million doesn’t teach you to be careful and get ready for the next season, what does it take? If you are that stinking rich, share the wealth!

Thursday, May 05, 2005

The Residents – Animal Lover

I’ve been fighting in my head about how to explain what this band means to me and to the world of music. I know, you’ve probably never heard of them and think they are new, but the Residents have been making albums since 1971. And you’ve never heard of them, or heard them! How is that possible, you wonder? It’s probably because they are the definitive underground band. Oh, and they are anonymous as well. Their names are never printed and they are always in disguise.

Before cable TV and MTV hit the city of Denver, local public channel 12 had Teletunes, which later turned into FMTV. My brother and I would stay up late to watch videos like Elephant Talk by King Crimson, The Man in the Dark Sedan by Snake Finger, Songs for Swinging Larvae by Renaldo and the Loaf, and Norman Bates by Landscape. Then there were the four One Minute Movies featuring 4 guys always dressed in tuxedos with large eyeball heads – the classic Residents look. Other videos by the band featured more disguises such as newspaper suits with matching hoods. Yeah, they were some freaks! And the music was equally disturbing, yet incredibly intriguing!

I kind of forgot about these guys until I got to college. After all, MTV was way too commercial to play any of their videos. Ironically, the Residents have been credited with creating/pioneering the art form you all now know as music videos. BTW, that’s what MTV used to play on their station. The One Minute Movies were created with the release of the Residents’ Commercial Album in 1980. MTV took off in 1981. Also, the band is credited with creating/pioneering sampling, the technology rappers use to blatantly rip-off songs that aren’t theirs and loop them behind their busting rhymes. Believe it or not, the Residents were sampling and looping old tapes they found in 1971. They put together a very odd recording with no band name, sent the tape off to Warner Brothers, and got a rejection letter back. Since the return address had no band name, it was marked “Residents” thus the name.

While in college, I purchased 3 Residents albums: The Commercial Album (featured 50 one-minute long songs, four of them used for the One Minute Movies), Duck Stab (featured Hello Skinny, another odd video played on FMTV), and The King and Eye (featured a bunch of Elvis cover songs). After college I worked in a CD store and got a wild hair to own everything the Residents have recorded. Frighteningly, that collection is pushing 45-50 CDs, DVDs, videos and books (hard to count)! They are certainly, however, an acquired taste!

Because the Residents love me, they put out a new CD the day before my birthday – Animal Lover. Over the years, they have gotten much more structured (half the fun of the early stuff is its off-beat and atonal pain) and added more female vocals (though the original male vocalist is my favorite). My wife says they create music she hears in her nightmares. Yeah, they can be a little dark, but I think that’s the stuff I like the most!

Animal Lover follows their more recent trends with more structure and, in my opinion, too much reliability on female vocalists. Sure everything still has the dark tones and feel, but I simply don’t care for the female vocals and about 50% of the songs feature them. But wait – there are two discs! There is no info in the booklet about anything on the seconds CD. (BTW, the two-disc set is packaged as a small hardcover book with extensive liner notes that alternate a story about an animal with lyrics to the songs.) It’s mainly a medley of select lyrics from the songs on disc one, but with different, unstructured, and darker music. Heck, its also very male vocal driven and sounds like classic Residents stuff! Thank you! A saving grace!

I’m not really expecting any of you to run out and buy this CD. However, I am a big fan of this band (duh!) and I will give you an idea of how to wean yourself into them if you have any interest at all.

1) I would suggest starting with the King and Eye. This CD is all Elvis songs done with the odd touch of the Residents. Also, between every third song or so is a compelling story about the “baby king” being read to children. I’d suggest this first because you already know the songs, just not the Residents’ style. If you like this at all, then go on to the next suggestion.
2) Head toward the Commercial Album. Again, there are about 50 one-minute songs with a few covers at the end. The best part is, if you don’t like a particular song, it’s over in a minute!
3) Try Duck Stab! This CD is probably their best ever. It’s a certain classic with everything that is fun and freaky about the Residents!
4) Third Reich and Roll. Only two songs here, but they are about 20-minute medleys of pop tunes from the 60’s and 70’s.
5) Heaven and Hell are cool! These two CDs are basically greatest hits. Yeah, I like Hell better!
6) Meet the Residents. The album that pretty much started it all. Here’s where they show off their creativity and ability to take old recordings and mangle them into what the Residents would call music. Remember, this sucker is from 1971!
7) If you’ve made it this far, take a listen to Wormwood. This is a collection of dark and creepy stories from the Bible with the passage explained and the number given.

Why not take a listen to them? Are you scared? You can probably get some sound clips at cdnow.com or residents.com.

As far as Animal Lover is concerned, not loving the first disc, but really enjoying the second.

3 out of 5!

Louis XIV – The Best Little Secrets Are Kept

T-Dawg told me to! Yeah, ol’ Vegas girl said to go take a listen to Louis XIV cuz she was diggin’ on ‘em. And they are kinda digable!

Their sound reminds me of the new wave punk from the 80’s. Think the Monks, T-Rex and maybe some Ziggy Stardust. Not that there’s anything wrong with that! People are getting into the retro sound again and this is a solid effort. However, if songs about sex offend you, well you better try something else. 80% of the tunes here are about sex, with the classic drug OD/accidental suicide tune and more drugs really!

The CD starts with some string instruments playing a riff, later turning into a rockin’, hand-clappin’ tune all about Louis. Who’s yer daddy?

Then comes the single (getting some XM radio play) called Finding Out True Love is Blind. Great drum machine with the same riff the strings were playing at the beginning of the first track. Apparently Louis likes all shapes, sizes and colors of girls!

Believe it or not, Paper Doll is about sex too! And it has a really cool ending where all the instruments get muddled.

God Killed the Queen is a song about, um, sex! Not with the Queen, but the dueling guitars in the right and left speakers are kinda cool.

A Letter to Dominique begins with a steel slide guitar, and then moves into a Madness song about an empty house because Dominique pretty much killed herself with drugs. YAY!

Illegal Tender is, ironically, about sex! Hand clapping opens the song, and then the lyrics come in reminding me of something from the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Pledge of Allegiance is about sex. Do you see a theme? Fun little song where Louis basically speaks the song as a girl moans in the background.

Hey Teacher is next, and this song is actually about…DRUGS! Hey, drugs, sex, and sex are what it’s all about! I do dig the guitars and hand clapping however.

All the Little Pieces is a pretty song that kinda doesn’t fit the sound of the rest of the CD. I really like it however, a nice change of pace and no sex!

Ball of Twine is certainly the best song on the disc. It starts on an acoustic guitar using the same riff from tracks 1 and 2. Some strings double behind the guitar, then some drums pound in. Louis sings and then everything stops for a moment. Verse two is similar, but the tune changes direction slightly after it with a drum solo and buzzing strings that lead back to the acoustic guitar. Everything then fades out except for the strings. After they slowly fade finally, there is silence for a moment. Drums crash back in with piano and bass beating the riff followed by a chorus of “ahs.” Again silence to slide guitar and pounding drums and bass. This riff is being beaten like a bad puppy! But it’s such a cool riff; I don’t want this song to end! Suddenly, the strings carry it home just like they introduced you to the CD.

Yeah, worth it for this song alone! Thanks T-Dawg!

3 out of 5!

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

I’ll admit it – never read the book. But I could still follow the film and I really enjoyed it! My wife DID read the book, be it a long time ago, and she loved it as well. Then again, is there anything Sam Rockwell (Charlie’s Angels, Galaxy Quest, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind) has done that HASN’T been a blast to watch?

It’s the end of the world as we know it, but don’t panic! Ford Prefect (Mos Def – The Italian Job, Something the Lord made) has got Arthur Dent (Martin Freeman – the original Office, Shaun of the Dead) covered. Seems old Ford here is from another planet and knew this day was coming. So, he grabs Arthur, sticks out his thumb, and hitches a ride. They go off on an intergalactic adventure with the president of the universe, Zaphod Beeblebrox (Rockwell) and a girl named Trillion (Zooey Deschanel – Almost Famous, Elf) that Arthur has the hots for.

This film is HUGE! The effects are fantastic and the story is a kick and very creative. Fans of the book will love it, and people that have no clue will be entertained as well. Sure you’ll get a few more inside jokes if you know the book, but what the heck! This is very fun to watch and I was really impressed with all actors, especially Mos Def! His character in Italian Job was pretty dull, but in Hitchhiker’s he’s very solid. Deschanel is adorable, and Freeman is perfectly cast. But Rockwell is simply outstanding and brilliant, as usual. He totally steals the show, and the helmet scenes are bellyaching funny. You’ll also appreciate Alan Rickman as the voice of Marvin the horribly depressed robot.

This is certainly something I will purchase on DVD – a film that can only be appreciated in numerous viewings!

4.5 out of 5!

Sahara

Yeah, occasionally I can get into the adventure flicks. Raiders of the Lost Ark is still, in my mind, the greatest adventure film ever made. But that’s just me! I have learned that I shouldn’t try to compare every adventure film to it, so I no longer do – I go to these films to be entertained. And Sahara wasn’t too bad!

As soon as I saw that Matthew McConaughey-hey (as my wife would coo) was in it, I knew we were going to see it. And believe it or not, Penelope Cruz does nothing for me – she is simply a Selma wannabe! Cruz has an accent that is too thick to be cute, and a body that is too thin to be sexy. Her acting skills are pretty weak, and trying to picture her as a virus-confronting doctor is a stretch. But seeing McConaughey and Steve Zahn as treasure-seeking explorers actually works!

Dirk Pitt (McConaughey) is convinced that an ironclad battleship from the Civil War exists buried somewhere. His search brings him to North Africa where he befriends a World Health Organization doctor named Eva Rojos (Cruz) who is trying to hunt down an epidemic. Believe it or not, their adventures intertwine and romantic tension ensues. Ya gotta love Hollywood!

The story is decent, and the dialogue is about average. Zahn steals the show with his goofy faces, great comedic timing and lines written with him in mind. And how can anyone NOT like William H. Macy? He plays admiral Jim Sandecker, Pitt’s boss. Oh, Rainn Wilson (the Office, Six Feet Under) is also becoming one of my favorite, freaky, small part actors. Kinda like Philip Seymour Hoffman!

It might not be worth full price, but a matinee works well for this one.

3.5 out of 5!

Sunday, May 01, 2005

PAFC Newsletter 5/1/05

OK, so I didn’t update the blog last week, but I swear I will make it up to you this week with TWO updates! I have two movies and two new CDs to review, so stay tuned!

Also, not only is the Tony Angello Appreciation Society (www.cafepress.com/tonyaas) fully functioning with some classic pics of my brother and the ghetto prom, but I’ve also changed some of the pics on the ORIGINAL Pat Angello Fan Club site: www.cafepress.com/pafc (see shirt above)! These pics are from when I was growing up, but not the same pics you’ll find at the other PAFC site: www.cafepress.com/pafc2. So go check out all 3 sites today!

Thanks to all that came down to the Freak Train at the Bug Theater – what a blast! I will certainly try to do that again at the end of May. It will be on Monday, May 30th (yup, Memorial Day)! You really should give it a shot whether I’m there or not – the hostesses are great and the acts are a lot of fun. Plus, the crowd is extremely loyal and supportive. That said, I better have new material for the next time!

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Rosie O’Donnell was a great stand-up comedienne. She was even funny as a talk show host! But she saved her best comedic role for Sunday’s Riding the Bus with my Sister – the SHORT bus that is. What? It’s an “inspiring true story about the unbreakable bond between two very different sisters?” Really? Kate looked at me during one of the (numerous) promos and asked if it was supposed to be a comedy. Sorry, but the promos alone for this show made me cry – laughing. This is basically the same character she played in Exit to Eden, but with equilibrium issues and the standard issued mentally challenged flowered hat. Not helmet, hat. Hockey equipment was not required. This is the best comedy of the year!

Yeah, the more I type about this show, the nicer my suite in hell becomes! But the issue is this: playing a mentally challenged (do you have any idea how hard it is for me to NOT type the word “retarded”?) person should be done by great actors, not former comedians! Sure Robin Williams was pretty good in The Fisher King, but ever since Dustin Hoffman won an Oscar for Rain Man, every actor in Hollywood wants to play the “slow” person. People Magazine dared to call O’Donnell’s performance worthy of an Emmy nod! Please! Could anyone really watch even Giovanni Ribisi and Juliette Lewis in The Other Sister without smirking? Be honest!

I know people in college do stupid things – heck, even I did stupid things in college that I won’t mention because my mother reads this every week. I wasn’t quite this dumb, probably because I wasn’t in a fraternity (no offense). The Pi Kappa Phi at good old Cal Berkley thought it would be a good idea to haze a new recruit by shooting a BB gun at him about 30 times. CA has already lost a student to water poisoning during hazing this year. How many beers does it take before shooting a BB gun at someone sounds like a good idea?

Burger King French fries (if you call them Freedom fries I will slap you into next week) aren’t even very good. However, when they ran out of fries in DuBois, PA, some dude went ballistic and went into fries rage! The police were called to arrest him as he made obscene gestures, cursed, and tried to run over an employee. He even kicked out the window of the police cruiser after getting arrested! Dude, they’re bad fries – hardly worth 45 days in jail!

Just what we need – kid-friendly air shows! My wife’s theory on air shows? People die there. So why not bring the kids, because PBS’s “Jay Jay the Jet Plane” will be appearing nation wide at air shows! It’ll be fun for the whole family until that one plane loses control and summersaults across the ground killing 38 and injuring 143! But at least the kids will get to see Jay Jay! I’m sure his presence will erase any nightmares they are sure to have of the screaming, burning bodies.

OK, I just had to comment on this because I saw the headline: “Clay Aiken Invites Girls to Oprah Show.” I was shocked too! Actually, it’s not what you think – he pulled the old switcheroo by being on the Oprah bus (I’m biting my tongue so hard it’s bleeding right now!) to invite them to the show instead of Oprah being on the bus. Anytime I see the name Clay Aiken and the word “girls” in a headline, I know it’s not what I was thinking. Not that there’s anything wrong with that!

FYI, guess who’s on the cover of the latest Oprah magazine? Surprise, its OPRAH!

Speaking of busses – the biggest plane in history took flight this week, the Airbus A380. This two story, gigantic piece of metal can carry 840 passengers! In other words, it’s an enormous tragedy waiting to happen! It only took 11 years and $13 billion to build. Not sure I’d be comfortable flying on this thing, since the biggest obstacle the engineers faced was getting it off the ground.

When I was in college, we had a little issue in our cafeteria. A ceiling tile collapsed due to the weight of, get ready for it, maggots. Yeah, I went for fast food a lot after that! It was very disgusting. So if that didn’t make you lose your lunch, here we go. A man in Bangkok was having an itchy ear problem. After a Q-Tip made his eardrum bleed, he went to the hospital where 50 maggots were found in his ear! These are the tsunami stories everyone wants to hear!

If you want to see something really cool, then plan a trip to Hamburg Germany and visit the pond of exploding toads! Scientists can’t explain it, but talk about fun for the whole family! What’s more cool than watching toads explode for no reason?

This story is really only here because it takes place in the German town I was born in, Heidelberg. Essentially, some guy who calls himself a professor (that’s the big controversy, because he can’t prove it) has an exhibit of preserved corpses.

Too good to be true, a couple of guys who literally found a buried treasure in their back yard actually STOLE the money and faked the whole thing. Nice try! Like people are really going to find a stash of extremely old bills buried in their yard…

Darn it – we picked the wrong stinkin’ pope! According to some freaky doomsayers (because there are legitimate doomsayers), Pope Benedict XVI is the beginning of the end of days! Apparently Benedict fits the description of the second-to-last pope listed under the prophecy before the Last Judgment, when the bible says God separates the wicked from the righteous at the end of time. OK, I’m scared now! Actually, I’m more fascinated by freaky religious people that believe this crap! Ever notice that every January the super market carries tabloids saying that this it’s the year the world will end? I guess they will be correct eventually, but don’t bet the house on it.

Drat – I just jinxed us all! The end of the world IS right around the corner! How do I know this? Because Entertainment Tonight has “won” the rights to televise the wedding of Mary Kay Letourneau and her former sixth-grade pupil Vili Fualaau, the father of her two youngest children. Who on God’s green earth would want to see this? It truly is the end of days!

Since I’m on the cradle-robbing subject, what is Katie Holmes doing with Tom Cruise? Sure it’s not as disgusting as what Anna Nicole Smith was doing, but can she not find someone in their 20’s that’s famous and available? Guh!

The Star Magazine always shows pictures that make people think they are doctored – and they are! The Star Rag has fine print for a story about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt “caught together on vacation” that has a disclaimer saying the image is a “composite of two photographs!” So they are admitting to faking pictures! And people read this crap like its true! Stop it, darn it! Just STOP!

By “this crap” I meant Star Magazine, not this phenomenally well-written weekly newsletter y’all “subscribe” to!

The political correctness of this country is truly our downfall. Now, by erecting a statue of Elizabeth Montgomery/Samantha Stevens (from Bewitched), the people of Salem MA are saying it is insensitive. It’s a freakin’ TV show! And how long ago were the witch trials? This reminds me of the Geico commercial with the cavemen!

Don’t mess with Texas – they have moved on to horses! After successfully cloning a cat in 2001, Texas A&M has now cloned a horse. This freaks me out – we should NOT be doing this. And it only took 400 attempts! So what happened to the other mutated 399, um, things? Do they look like the pig-lizard from Galaxy Quest after it was transported to the ship inside out? “And it exploded!”

In RI, an 80-year-old woman rescued her 67-year-old neighbor from an apartment fire, carrying the ailing woman down two flights of stairs! That’s just damn cool! God bless them both!

Someone needs to shut TO up once and for all. They guy signs a 7 year, $49 million contract and now wants to renegotiate after one season? Take a hike! He cried his way on to the team, and now he’s crying some more. Keep it up, and you’ll be pushing a hot dog cart around the stadium!

I’ve heard of frogeye salad, but frog shakes is yucky! In Peru, people are blending frogs into drinks as an aphrodisiac. And I thought oysters were gross! What’s red and green and goes 100 mph? Exactly!

My dad was a bit disappointed last week as I completely spaced commenting on the Broncos picking up Maurice Clarett. I don’t even know what to say! Shanahan has always drafted team captains and stand-up kids. Recently, for some reason, he’s gone after thugs and idiots! And why do we have a bunch of Cleveland rejects on our defensive line? Do we really want to be called the Browncos? Clarett is a whiney trouble-maker that expects everything handed to him – bad decision! But if it worked for Karl Malone…

Speaking of the round ball, I’m a bit nervous about the Nugs! I didn’t expect two victories in San Antonio, but I expected them in Denver. Saturday’s loss (can I really blame the officials for two horrible calls that destroyed Nugget runs?) just eliminated their swipe of home court advantage from the Spurs. I expect a win Monday, but I don’t see them winning in San Antonio again, meaning the Spurs should take them in 7. It was just so frustrating to see them have Saturday’s game right in their grasp TWICE in the 4th just to fold down the stretch. I thought this was the ultimate 4th quarter team!
Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!