Wednesday, December 28, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 12/28/05

Shrinkage? Apparently some people in Germany asked Santa for hypothermia for Christmas. This weekend, a group of about 30 naked Germans jumped together into a Berlin lake for their annual Christmas swim. Ah, Brrrrrlin! The water was a balmy 34 degrees. "A crust of ice starts forming on the surface if the water gets much colder than this," abominable Gerd Godau said. "This was just right." Um, I’ll take yer werd on that, Gerd.

Heh, Gerd.

You got served, yo! A new service in Korea will soon be sending text messages of indictment to cell phones. Sending these messages through text instead of regular mail will save prosecutors about $158K per year. Yay – more dough for the hookers!

Wait a second! Seems this year is one in the last seven that will feature an extra second to adjust to the Earth’s rotation. "Deciding when to introduce a leap second is the responsibility of the International Earth Rotation and Reference Systems Service, a standards-setting body. Under an international pact, the preference for leap seconds is December 31 or June 30." So, when you count it down this year, you need to say this: "10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 and a half, 1 – HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

Mmm – cinnamon roll! Someone stole a cinnamon roll that had an image of Mother Teresa on it. OK, the thing is 10 years old, completely inedible, and worth a whopping $25 (according to the police report) so ebay is out of the question. Ya know, I have a sponge at home that looks like someone famous – and I LOVE it!

Guh! There is an actual club (as in a location/piece of property) where swingers go to, um, swing. I hate to break this to most of you, but the people who are into the whole group sex thing aren’t anything like the hoes on Cinemax each Friday. They are normally people so homely that they can’t even bear to sleep with their own significant other, so they make up for it by macking on other unattractive people. Just like nudist – not people you’d want to see naked in the first place!

A Jewish Santa? About 35 years ago a man in Massachusetts created Bubbie and Zadie – the Jewish equivalent of Santa Claus. Well, sort of. Bubbie and Zadie fly out of Kansas every night of Hanukkah to share stories and songs, not bring gifts. Sounds like kind of a gyp to me! Who do they think they are anyway?

Chicago upholds ban on pigeons as pets. However, the American Racing Pigeon Union is all bent out of shape about it. "We're not hurting anybody," said Karl Wollenhaupt, leader of a pigeon racing club. "These are birds of pedigree." They are rats with wings!

Maybe for next year’s décor. The couple who had the lovely display in NY of Santa holding a bloody knife and a severed doll head has put the thing up for auction. That’s it – I’ve given up on humanity.

You gonna eat that? A woman in Missouri swallowed a cell phone last week, but police are thinking her boyfriend may have forced it down her throat during a domestic disturbance. Sounds like a great guy!

Santa arrested! A man dressed as Santa was arrested in Oklahoma for beating up a street sign. The guy pulled a no parking sign up from the ground and was using it to beat up another sign. Drunky Claus was arrested and sent to detox. Ya know, he could have just told the sign it wasn’t good this year and gave it some coal.

Things to do in Iowa when you’re dead. A Nebraska man was arrested in Iowa for tossing jars of his urine into people’s back yards. Do I really need to comment further on this? Maybe he should find, oh I don’t know, a freakin’ bathroom?

How does this make news? A woman was locked out of her car by her cat. This woman should not be allowed a drivers license!


Pat Angello said...

Before you even ask, NO that is NOT me in the water. It may look like me (plus about 35 pounds or so), but it isn't.

Anonymous said...

Yeah! Actually there is a swingers club like that here in Golden! They keep it pretty secret too. I cant for the life of me remember the name of it, but I was trying to talk my friend into joining me on a top-secret covert operation about 2 years ago, to go up there with me to check it out. Not necessarily "partake" in the activities, but just check it out. Maybe hide in the bushes, I don't know. I didn't really have a solid plan as you can see. And she wasn't down with it either. But she had a friend with benefits that would go all the time & tell us about it!!!! I should tell you about it sometime! Holy Moly Batman!


Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!