Wednesday, December 21, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 12/21/05


Poor Barbie. Researchers have found that many children mutilate Barbie dolls. Um, why are we paying people to research this? I could have told you that! Hell, when we were little we ripped her arms and legs off all the time. Mostly to upset my sister, mostly. But these "researchers" are claiming that this leads to violence. Yeah, I’ve NEVER been in a fistfight or tortured small woodland creatures, because God invented heavy metal music.

Cajundome has some plumbing issues. After serving as a place for hurricane evacuees to seek shelter in, the dome is getting ready to host a concert. However, evacuees pretty much destroyed the toilets by flushing diapers, t-shirts and "pieces of brick wrapped in a towel." OK, what causes people to try to flush brick down a toilet during a disaster? What the hell are they thinking?

Speaking of bathrooms, this man in Wichita was caught after hiding in the ladies" room. After leading police in a car chase, the man ended up in the hospital. When he was done with treatment, he hid in the women’s restroom before escaping. The suspect was chased on foot and then forced someone to give him a ride. The arresting officer hitched a ride with a pizza delivery guy to nab the bad guy. And you thought Kansas was boring!

OUCH! A woman in Oklahoma had a 14-pound, 3-ounce baby. Settle down, the baby was born by a cesarean section. I can’t even imagine lugging that thing around.

St. Matt of South Dakota? A moose had been wandering around Sioux Falls recently. However, teenager Matt Evenson (accidentally) wooed the moose to his home as he practiced his sax-a-ma-phone. Park rangers were able to tranquilize the monster and throw it back where it belongs (aka, the zoo).

Light sentence! A boy in Trinidad has been grounded – by a judge. The 14-year-old faked his own kidnapping and asked his mother for 100,000 Trinidad dollars for ransom. His punishment is not being allowed outdoors between the hours of 5-6:30 PM. Big effin’ deal! It’s obvious the mother doesn’t know how to get through to the kid, and now he gets to sit around and play video games. Oh, harsh! I’m thinking Ward needs to be a little harder on the Beaver, if ya know what I mean.

YAY! Crazy People! A woman in New Mexico has been granted a restraining order against David Letterman. The woman claims Letterman uses code words, facial expressions and gestures to ask her to marry him and to train her as his co-host. And some idiot judge GRANTED this! She claims Letterman has "forced her to go bankrupt and caused her mental cruelty and sleep deprivation since May 1994." Apparently, Oprah is a code name for her. So, here’s a new top 11 list for ya!

Top 11 Code Words/Actions From Dave and Their Actual Meaning!

11) "Ladies and Gentlemen – Paul Schaffer!" ("Would you shave for me?")

10) "Time to play 'Will it Float!'" ("Let’s take a bath.")

9) "So, (insert celebrity name here), what have you been up to lately?" ("I don’t care about the boy – I want to marry YOU!")

8) "Ladies and Gentlemen, here’s tonight’s Top 10!" ("Get me some coffee, would ya?")

7) Gesture: Letterman grabs his side and cracks open the side of his mouth. ("I’m feeling a little, uh, anxious, if ya know what I mean.")

6) Facial expression: Googly eyes. ("I just got my latest shipment of Viagra!")

5) "In my PANTS!" ("In my PANTS!")

4) "De-da-de-da-de-da-de" ("Let’s go to Paris.")

3) Gesture: Letterman throws pencil through fake window to glass shattering sound effect. ("Ya know, Andy Richter MADE Conan. Come be the Kelly to my Regis.")

2) "These are actual letters from actual viewers." ("I got your email, and NO, I wasn’t flirting with Teri Hatcher!")

1) "Please welcome our old friend, Biff Henderson!" ("Tonight, let’s play that game where you are a cop and I’ve been speeding.")

How much is that mummy in the window? Or at least that beautiful gown she’s wearing? A bridal store in Chihuahua Mexico features an actual corpse bride in the window. The mummy has been window dressing for the last 75 years. OK, so it could just be a dummy, but legend has it she is the dead daughter of the original store’s owner. Bleh!

A good computer worm? A man in Berlin received a computer worm email that told him he was under investigation for child porn. Though the police were not behind it, the guy fell for it and turned himself in. He actually WAS an offender! See, computers can be used for good stuff too. Before you go there, it was NOT Uncle Gary.

Isn’t that sweet? Police in India have been beating women who are on dates in a public park. Nice! I think they got to this girl already!

While we’re on it, Saddam claims he’s been beaten while in detention. Wah! He’s lucky they didn’t just stick him in front of a firing squad!

Ugh! People are complaining about how to celebrate Christmas without offending anyone. Well, considering that less than 3% of this country celebrates NOTHING in December, I think they can all get over it and deal. After all, we spend the rest of the year listening as the HUGE minority complain about what "offends" them, they can at least give it a break during the most sacred time of year for the rest of us.

On that note, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! Keep an eye on my new blogging gig for sports comedy and we'll speak atcha next week!

9 comments:

Heather said...

Maybe the judge thought by granting the restraining order he wold get on Lettermen for his 15 minutes?

I love the story about the dead woman in the window. Love it! It appeals to my dark and spooky side! :)

Bill Purdy said...

I think the whole flap about seasonal greetings got started this year by militant whacko Christian types who were "offended" that major retailers like Target and Wal-Mart had instructed their employees to use "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas." The merchants quickly revised their policies so that "Merry Christmas" was acceptable if that's what an employee wanted to say, but by then the damage had been done. Both phrases became political correctness hot potatoes, and suddenly nobody knew to whom they could be uttered without repurcussion.

Nobody I've ever met has ever been "offended" by either phrase (but some squinty, joyless, pursed-lips types I've seen interviewed on TV have been). Both are perfectly acceptable efforts at the kind of interpersonal pleasantries that have slowly disappeared from our day-to-day interactions.

I am by no means a Christian, but frankly I like it when people smile and say "Merry Christmas" to me. It makes me smile back.

Nothing offensive about that. Merry Christmas, everyone!

Sus said...

Actually it wasn't a "Christian" group that rallied against Wal-Mart, it was the Catholic folks. And heaven forbid if you call the Catholics Christians!! I think we humans have become just a tad tooooo sensitive. I say throw more Eddie Izzard/Ali G. types into the pot!

Sus said...

Oh and my brothers never mutilated my Barbie's.....I did!! *evil cackle*

Heather said...

Hey!! We got the CD's yesterday and they're great. I was extremely excited to see Bang Tango on there. I don't suppose you have Soul To Soul by them from their 2nd CD??

Pat Angello said...

Heather - I think I might still have it. I dumped a bunch of CDs a while back, so I'll have to look.

You may find it at secondspin.com for cheap.

Pat Angello said...

http://www.secondspin.com/search.jsp?query=bang+tango&page=1&type=music%7Ckeyword&sell=false&x=0&y=0

East Side said...

That Barbie piece is classic. I wonder how much money they spent on analyzing the obvious. My daughter spent a good portion of her life, ages 4-6, to mutilating those things.

TheIdleReceptionist said...

The delusional Letterman stalker is actually a textbook case of some specific documented psych. disorder I learned about in Abnormal Psych class. People believe famous people are sending them messages during their tv appearances/songs/etc. and that they are deeply in love.


FREAKS

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!