Poor Barbie. Researchers have found that many children mutilate Barbie dolls. Um, why are we paying people to research this? I could have told you that! Hell, when we were little we ripped her arms and legs off all the time. Mostly to upset my sister, mostly. But these "researchers" are claiming that this leads to violence. Yeah, I’ve NEVER been in a fistfight or tortured small woodland creatures, because God invented heavy metal music.
Cajundome has some plumbing issues. After serving as a place for hurricane evacuees to seek shelter in, the dome is getting ready to host a concert. However, evacuees pretty much destroyed the toilets by flushing diapers, t-shirts and "pieces of brick wrapped in a towel." OK, what causes people to try to flush brick down a toilet during a disaster? What the hell are they thinking?
Speaking of bathrooms, this man in Wichita was caught after hiding in the ladies" room. After leading police in a car chase, the man ended up in the hospital. When he was done with treatment, he hid in the women’s restroom before escaping. The suspect was chased on foot and then forced someone to give him a ride. The arresting officer hitched a ride with a pizza delivery guy to nab the bad guy. And you thought Kansas was boring!
St. Matt of South Dakota? A moose had been wandering around Sioux Falls recently. However, teenager Matt Evenson (accidentally) wooed the moose to his home as he practiced his sax-a-ma-phone. Park rangers were able to tranquilize the monster and throw it back where it belongs (aka, the zoo).
Light sentence! A boy in Trinidad has been grounded – by a judge. The 14-year-old faked his own kidnapping and asked his mother for 100,000 Trinidad dollars for ransom. His punishment is not being allowed outdoors between the hours of 5-6:30 PM. Big effin’ deal! It’s obvious the mother doesn’t know how to get through to the kid, and now he gets to sit around and play video games. Oh, harsh! I’m thinking Ward needs to be a little harder on the Beaver, if ya know what I mean.
YAY! Crazy People! A woman in New Mexico has been granted a restraining order against David Letterman. The woman claims Letterman uses code words, facial expressions and gestures to ask her to marry him and to train her as his co-host. And some idiot judge GRANTED this! She claims Letterman has "forced her to go bankrupt and caused her mental cruelty and sleep deprivation since May 1994." Apparently, Oprah is a code name for her. So, here’s a new top 11 list for ya!
Top 11 Code Words/Actions From Dave and Their Actual Meaning!
11) "Ladies and Gentlemen – Paul Schaffer!" ("Would you shave for me?")
10) "Time to play 'Will it Float!'" ("Let’s take a bath.")
9) "So, (insert celebrity name here), what have you been up to lately?" ("I don’t care about the boy – I want to marry YOU!")
8) "Ladies and Gentlemen, here’s tonight’s Top 10!" ("Get me some coffee, would ya?")
7) Gesture: Letterman grabs his side and cracks open the side of his mouth. ("I’m feeling a little, uh, anxious, if ya know what I mean.")
6) Facial expression: Googly eyes. ("I just got my latest shipment of Viagra!")
5) "In my PANTS!" ("In my PANTS!")
4) "De-da-de-da-de-da-de" ("Let’s go to Paris.")
3) Gesture: Letterman throws pencil through fake window to glass shattering sound effect. ("Ya know, Andy Richter MADE Conan. Come be the Kelly to my Regis.")
2) "These are actual letters from actual viewers." ("I got your email, and NO, I wasn’t flirting with Teri Hatcher!")
1) "Please welcome our old friend, Biff Henderson!" ("Tonight, let’s play that game where you are a cop and I’ve been speeding.")
How much is that mummy in the window? Or at least that beautiful gown she’s wearing? A bridal store in Chihuahua Mexico features an actual corpse bride in the window. The mummy has been window dressing for the last 75 years. OK, so it could just be a dummy, but legend has it she is the dead daughter of the original store’s owner. Bleh!
A good computer worm? A man in Berlin received a computer worm email that told him he was under investigation for child porn. Though the police were not behind it, the guy fell for it and turned himself in. He actually WAS an offender! See, computers can be used for good stuff too. Before you go there, it was NOT Uncle Gary.
While we’re on it, Saddam claims he’s been beaten while in detention. Wah! He’s lucky they didn’t just stick him in front of a firing squad!
Ugh! People are complaining about how to celebrate Christmas without offending anyone. Well, considering that less than 3% of this country celebrates NOTHING in December, I think they can all get over it and deal. After all, we spend the rest of the year listening as the HUGE minority complain about what "offends" them, they can at least give it a break during the most sacred time of year for the rest of us.