Tuesday, November 15, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 11/15/05


This is WAY sweet! A woman in India lost her eye. Nope, not from a lawn dart, or running with scissors, or a misplaced fork. She was in the hospital getting treatment for an infection when ants attacked her eye! The nurses simply told her it was normal to feel pain from the infection. Apparently, ants like to munch on diabetic people, the reason she was in the hospital for treatment in the first place. Suddenly, the woman has an odd urge to go out in the middle of a wheat field and dance.

A puppy in Michigan is getting a prosthetic leg. Peg (Seriously, that’s the dog’s name!) was born without an ankle joint or paw on her right leg. Dr. Rex Miller is creating the puppy foot free of charge for the dog. I wonder if he can help mentally disabled dogs?

Is it just me, or have I just sort of completed the, "Wood-eye, wood-eye?"/"Peg-leg, peg-leg!" joke?

This wasn’t in the job description! A rookie cab driver delivered a baby in the back of his cab last week. The mother was so grateful that she wanted to name the baby after the cabbie. Then she realized that she couldn’t spell or pronounce the name of the cab driver, so the kid will be called "Metro Jet."

What’s the capital of Thailand? Trannys in Bangkok are pulling a fast one on tourists in more ways than one. First, they will come up to a man and steal a kiss. It’s like watching Springer! Second, they are hiding strong sedatives under their tongue that they slip down the unassuming man’s throat. When tourist passes out, the freak show will swipe his wallet before he finds out that the chick is a dude. Remind me never to go to Thailand!

Quick – someone call PETA! Too late. Employees of a TV company in Amsterdam were in the midst of setting up to break the Guinness World Record for falling dominoes when a sparrow flew into the warehouse where they were setting up. A few people cornered the bird and shot it before it could mess up the project. Then "Fat Betty" dropped her doughnut and they had to start all over anyway.

Some women just don’t get it! You can buy them the book He’s Just Not That Into You, and they STILL don’t get it. Take this woman in California who plans on marrying a man that shot her in the crotch and held her hostage for 6 days in a garage. The man is in jail for 20 years, but that won’t stop this love! The couple has a long history of domestic abuse and substance abuse. They also lived with his parents, which could have been the main issue here. Hey, I love my in-laws, but I’m not about to move in with them.

THIS is why elderly people are paranoid. An elderly woman was repeatedly attacked by a kinkajou. Get yer mind out of the gutter. A kinkajou is actually a raccoon-like varmint that some people in Mississippi consider a "pet." FOX has already planned the special: When Kinkajous Attack the Elderly. Oh, and local news across the nation will run a promo saying, "An elderly woman in Mississippi was attacked by a kinkajou this week. Could you be at risk? Tune in tonight at 10 to find out how to be prepared in case a kinkajou comes out of nowhere to attack you!"

Hey! Nichelle! That’s what you can name the baby: Kinkajou! "Kinkajou La Quishianna Anderson" has WNBA All-Star/lesbian written all over it!

Ah, so it’s NOT just Americans that are sue-happy. Kazakhstan's Foreign Ministry is threatening legal action against Sacha Baron Cohen, the man behind Da Ali G Show, because he portrays them as drunks who enjoy cow punching as a sport. Hey, who doesn’t? I guess my point is – it’s FICTION! Get over it! Don’t make me file a lawsuit against the Soprano’s!

Geezers gettin’ DOWN, yo! A nursing home in Ireland is now providing a pub to the people who live there. Be careful – I hear that when Myrtle McGraddy has a few too many, she dances on the bar and takes her top off.

Who is the Time person of the year? No, not Terrell Owens. In Fact, it’s not exactly a person this year. It’s Mother Nature! Global warming? Fuggeddaboudit!

I meant to mention this last week! My wife has purchased some yummy Italian soda mixes – just add soda water. We have strawberry and peach flavors. They are good and are diet as well! Now the Jones Soda company has introduced flavors for the holidays: turkey and gravy, wild herb stuffing, Brussels sprout, cranberry and pumpkin pie. If that’s not to your liking, try the green bean casserole or salmon. Honestly, you can buy these things at Target!

Finally, a big sarcastic "Thank You!" to the idiots of America for NOT watching Arrested Development. FOX has (finally) pulled the plug on the best comedy on TV because NOBODY WATCHED IT! What is WRONG with you people? Where can we go for such great gags as attorney Bob Lob Law (say it out loud), a never-nude, freakish hair plugs, cousin sexual tension, a beagle sleeping on a red dog house while depressing Charlie Brown music plays, a failing magician, a surrogate dad (Super Dave Osborne) who interacts with the family wearing a camera and earpiece spewing out everything real dad says from the comforts of his bed, a man-child who had his hand bitten off by an escaped circus seal, a stair car, Liza Minnelli with vertigo, a protégé for the Blue Man Group, and dead-pan narration by Ron Howard? Oh well – it lasted two seasons longer than I thought it would. At least you can rent it on DVD!

6 comments:

Bill Purdy said...

Hey, I did my part to keep AD afloat. I even BOUGHT both DVD sets! Look where it got me.

I have an interesting observation. Nearly everyone I hang out with on a regular basis watches Arrested Development. Even my sister (who rarely watches TV shows I think of as "cool")!

But nobody I hang out with has a Neilsen box. Coincidence? I think not.

Showtime should pick up AD to pair with Weeds. Guarantee their subscribership would increase (am I right, Pat?).

Nichelle said...

Eesh, man - Kinkajou?!?!!? She might be tall enough to play in the WNBA someday tho....

Collin said...

The Bangkok incident sounds fishy to me. I can't imagine any sedative that has to be ingested that would act fast enough to prevent you from beating the crap out of the tranny once you realized you swallowed something from his mouth. I do recall a CSI episode from the first season that partially centered around a prostitute that was putting some kind of sedative on her nipples and was robbing her tricks after they passed out. Problem was it was leaching into her skin and knocking her out a bit later as well. So that begs the question: How did the tranny with the tablet under his tongue keep from getting knocked out as well. Cottonmouth? Hmm. I read the rest of the article after writing all of that and saw the nipple mickey was used there as well.

As for AD, it's hardly the fist time that FOX did something stupid.

Pat Angello said...

C'mon Nichelle - you know you want to.

Run it by Sam and see what he says.

Heather said...

Fox - Pbbt! It's cancelled Wonderfalls, Firefly, Greg The Bunny...now Arrested Development. How do they even stay on the air? I can't imagine that The Simpsons are the only show keeping them afloat!!

dejo said...

Well, FOX also has "24". And... um... well... uh. Oh, yeah! Family Guy. I think that's it, though.

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!