Thursday, November 10, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 11/10/05


I have to say, when this whole Terrell Owens thing ends, I’m gonna miss it like herpes in remission. His agent, Drew Rosenhaus, is the biggest a-hole in sports. I think every client he has would be wise to fire him and get a new representative. When Clinton Portis hired Rosenhaus, Shanahan traded him. When Rueben Droughns hired Rosenhaus, Shanahan traded him. So you see a trend here? I loved the reporter that asked Rosenhaus, "Besides getting TO suspended, what have you done for him?" Rosenhaus responded with, "Next question." Do you know why? Because he KNOWS he’s done nothing but destroy TO’s career and the Eagles’ season! The more athletes that dump him, the better. And congrats to the Eagles for moving on.

Rafael Palmeiro won’t be charged with perjury. Apparently, pointing your finger at the Supreme Court and lying like a rug means nothing. Phillies’ pitcher, Ugueth Urbina, was formally charged with attempted murder finally. He allegedly helped a few men pour gasoline on people and try to ignite them. Oh, so THAT’S not legal. Baseball has weird rules!

But we were SO CLOSE! My old joke has been: why do all the TALENTED and good celebrities die in horrible disasters and crashes? You know, like Stevie Ray Vaughan, Lady Di, etc. How come we never hear about a bus crash involving a crappy boy band or something? All I can say is ALMOST! Paris Hilton was in a minor fender-bender and it made the news. Next time, I want blood. Seriously. I don’t want to hear about it until there’s a graphic under her picture with a beginning year and an ending year. This is my dream, and you’re all invited.

Now I know why women take forever in the bathroom, and why they go in pairs! Apparently a pair of Carolina Panthers cheerleaders held up the potty line in a Tampa Bay nightclub. As Bill would say, they were "bumping uglies" and got into a fight with another girl that dared to interrupt. Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go. And I’m not sure which girl I’m referring to here.

There’s been a drunken moose sighting! Seriously! In Sweden, two moose, drunk on fermented apples, ran amuck through an elderly home this week. Somehow, nobody got hurt, but Ol’ Joe told the story:

"I tell ya. Way back when, Willie used to go up that hill there. Heh. He’d go up there and Willie would take a piss right there on that tree. Well, one day, that tree, she just broke right in two. HEH-HEH-HEH! Yep, that’s why they call him Bill."

Flat chested women can sometimes get a little desperate. Not that it should matter, but sometimes they go to extremes to stuff. For instance, there is a woman in Florida who stuffed a live bird into her bra. Actually, she was simply trying to steal a rare parrot. However, there’s nothing like flapping boobies to get a guy’s blood rushing.

The Chinese have built a fuzzy bra. If I wore this, you’d never be able to tell.

While we’re over there, Japan has created biodegradable socks made out of corn! That’s right, corn. A little butter and salt, and I might be eating really expensive socks!

And I thought Denver schools were bad! A man in jail in Riverside, California just won the school board election. Hey, all child molesters behind bars deserve another chance, don’t they? Actually, he’s just a wife abuser and drug addict, so, no big deal.

He saw dead people – now he’s fired. A security guard in Iowa has been fired for claiming to see ghosts on the job. It wasn’t such a big deal until he claimed the ghost was Abe Vigoda, who is somehow still alive. Fish was just outside the building asking for a drink. Not water. I also hear Iowa has great mushrooms.

Here’s why I gave up coffee! A woman in Iowa (what is up with Iowa?) found a dead baby turtle in her Folgers coffee. Mmm – minty!

Here’s why I don’t own a Mercedes. (OK, so it’s ONE reason!) An ostrich escaped from its pen and beat up a Mercedes. If I spent all my dough (HAHA!) on a Mercedes and some stupid ostrich did some damage to it, it would be ON!

Two pandas wed in Thailand. Adorable rating: 9.5. Interest rating: 5.2. Hotness rating of office women that search for pictures of this event and use it for a screen saver: 1.7.

2 comments:

Bill Purdy said...

Funny!

Except I need to credit The Onion's Jim Anchower for "bumping uglies," since that's allegedly what he did with that one skanky chick who showed up at his apartment with beer.

yep, it's me.... said...

oopsie, i tried clicking on "office women" in your mention of -- Hotness rating of office women that search for pictures of this event, but not for a panda,

thought i was getting a hot screensaver of two other women.
so reading comprehension level of woman looking for NOT porn at 6am 1.1

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!