Tuesday, October 04, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 10/4/05

Tax Dollars at Work! In Peru, Santa Monica’s Women’s Prison in Lima held a beauty pageant. Contestants included mostly women awaiting sentencing for drug trafficking. “Sex appeal is important but it is not as if we are seeking just the physical aspect but rather the value as a woman, the value of the person is the essence of all of this,” said director of the prison, Maria Jaen. Yeah, I’m sure they are all role models! Did the talent portion of the contest have anything to do with how many bags of cocaine they could hide in unspecified orifices?

When pigs attack! Police in CA tried (again) to evict Christian Canabou from his home in Boulder Creek. However, Christian ran off to hide and the forest and sent his killer pig to attack the cops. The pig has even chewed on a patrol car in the past. Like my dad always said, “Looks like an old girlfriend of mine!”

This can’t be good for the Catholic Church! A pastor in Lincoln, NE recently received a HUGE supply of Viagra. What can you say, really? Actually, he’s claiming it was a prank because his credit card was stolen while he vacationed recently in Canada. Them Canadians are wacky!

The NEW Nissan Death Trap! Nissan has created a car to assist people who have trouble parking – its body actually can rotate 360 degrees so the front can become the back. OK, how does this help you park? I’d like to just drive down the street while the body of the car is rotating to freak out my passengers and see if I could actually keep it on the road. It’s like an amusement park ride!

Don’t people in England drink their pints at room temperature? So I guess this new bar that is made out of arctic ice has a snowballs chance in hell at succeeding! The bar features art and glasses made out of ice and will be kept at a temperature of 23 below zero. I just want to see people’s tongues and lips get stuck to the glasses!

Topeka, KS – party capital of the USA! OK, not really, but don’t tell their mayor that! Mayor Bill Bunton received a birthday card with the title “CSI: Topeka” featuring a cartoon of two people standing over a corpse, with one saying, “Looks like he was bored to death.” I’ve been to Topeka, and I have to say – I’m not arguing with the card!

A recent study shows that female swallows keep searching for partners even after mating. Thus, male swallows must always look hot! However, most human men pretty much grow the gut and quit playing the game after getting married. Honestly, I’m just referencing this article to see how many more gay porn hits it produces.

She simply couldn’t keep her legs, er, mouth, er, anything shut! THE premier high-class hooker in NY bragged about how hot she was in the media, so police arrested her. DUH! Could she not see that coming? Sorry!

Santa sues! Santa will receive $5000 from the Danish Air Force after a jet scared one of his reindeers to death. The pilot said it was revenge for when grandma got run over by a reindeer.

Worst joke of the week – thank you!

It’s a holiday in Cambodia! The Khmer Rouge Café in Cambodia is offering a menu featuring rice-water and leaves, and waitresses dressed in the black fatigues worn by Pol Pot's guerrillas. Right Guard will not help you here. This could be the latest Hollywood diet craze! Jello Biafra can be your host! Mary Kate Olsen would look GREAT with a fly on her eye, wouldn’t she? Oh, and maybe Paris Hilton will forget her credit card and her head will end up skewed on a stake! One can dream…

OJ in LA! OJ Simpson actually made a public celebrity appearance in LA this week. He was there to sign autographs for a Halloween-themed comic book convention. It was great! He grabbed a big knife and screamed like a crazy man as he chased children around the auditorium. People llaauuugghhheedddd!!!

What is that SMELL??? A man in India kept his dead mother in a glass casket for 21 years so they could be buried together when he passed away. He even asked for her advice on certain issues after she died! However, he had a little trouble getting dates!

Not ALL people in Kansas are slow! A couple in KC ran a psychotherapy practice and pretty much used their patients as slaves. They also forced the patients to do unnatural (and kinda freaky) acts while the video camera rolled. Yup, the lawsuits are a flyin’! The only problem with using mental patients as slaves is they would rather roll in the dog poop than pick it up.

It’s the best mixed drink EVER! A 2005 Nobel Prize winning doctor in Australia decided to prove that stress doesn’t cause ulcers. So, he drank a big ol’ glass of bacteria. Yummy! So, if you drink bacteria and get sick you could win the highest praise available in the world. Um, I could have told you that bacteria would make you sick!

What do I win?

How dumb are people really? A woman in Oregon is suing her doctor. Why? Because he told her he could cure her back pain by sleeping with her AND SHE BELIEVED HIM! Hello? Are you really that stupid? She deserves NOTHING other than a lesson in common sense. Something tells me this is a lawsuit strictly based on a broken heart. Dumb woman!

Yet ANOTHER reason why I don’t hire hookers in Mexico! Prostitutes in Mexico City are using a sleep-inducing eye drop drug (slipped into a beverage) to knock out their clients. This enables the ho to steal everything without, ya know, performing their duties. I said duties! The problem is, many men are actually dying from the drug! Um, not that that’s the ONLY moral issue here. I mean, there’s the whole prostitute thing, and the stealing, and the drugging of someone without their knowledge. That’s why I stick to Boulder hookers. The worst they can do is get you stoned!

Um, just kidding!

The Paris’s have broken up! Ya know she’s just such a lovely girl. I wonder how this ended so quickly? I honestly DON’T think she was in the relationship simply because: 1) he was WAY rich, 2) they shared the same name, or 3) he bought her the most audacious engagement ring in the history of mankind. That just doesn’t seem like something this sweet, wholesome, girl next door would do.

OK, now that I’m up to my eyeballs in sarcasm, I think I need to go!


Bill Purdy said...

Wow! These links are even better than the stories! Hurrah! LMAOROTFL!

And especially, thanks for the Tara Reid nipplegate wallpaper link (which anyone with a little websurfing tenacity can find using this week's post as a starting point and clicking, let's see now, one, two, THREE times). Now I LOVE my desktop. And by LOVE it, I mean LOVE it (if you know what I mean).

Heather said...

It'll be the last time in a while that these women can look pretty...still...weird idea. Is that a foil crown on her head?

Collin said...

"We want to know just how much we could expect to get for them on an open market."
Those credit card thieves really know a good prank when they see one.
I vaguely remember a joke that involves Swallows, but for the life of me I don't recall how it goes. I would make one hell of a stand-up comedian, wouldn't I?
So much for the dream. I read the Cafe was closed down.
Hadn't the boy Paris heard about the night vision filmed exploits of the girl Paris? Or was that perhaps the problem; she didn't want to star in a sequel.
Speaking of spoiled blondes, have you seen the new Brittney commercial for her Goddess stink yet? Does it make you want to hit stuff too?

Sus said...

"Santa sues! Santa will receive $5000 from the Danish Air Force after a jet scared one of his reindeers to death."

Well, I gotta commend the Danish military for actually taking responsibility.

As silly as this sounds, this sort of thing happens all too often here in the US, in many rural farm areas, such as the San Luis Valley and yet the US Air Force refuses to stop flying so damn low, contending they have to fly so low in order to test their planes.

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!