Thursday, October 27, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 10/27/05

Cubs Win! Oh. Um, EW!

OK, so my “Houston in 6” prediction didn’t quite come true. In fact, the OTHER Chicago team got the monkey off their back this year by sweeping the Astros. The White Sox have not won the World Series since Technicolor was introduced. I was hoping Houston would make a series out of it, but I am kinda glad the White Sox won. Harry Caray must be rolling over in his grave!

On a sad note, a Denver Bronco player is in critical condition after a car accident. OL (former TE) Dwayne Carswell was the victim of two cars the bumped and then came onto the other side of the road. There were 5 cars total involved in the accident. Early word is Carswell tore his diaphragm and has internal bleeding in his chest. Normally, these athletes do something stupid and get themselves in trouble. This time, it looks like he was simply driving in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Next through the closet door – Sheryl Swoopes! Not that this surprises anyone, but Ms. Swoopes finally opened up about being in a committed homosexual relationship for the last 7 years. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Maybe other athletes will realize it’s no big deal and start coming out?

So, here’s the dumbest use of ink of the week in sports. Air Force football coach Fisher DeBerry had to apologize to the world for the following comment:

“(TCU) had a lot more Afro-American players than we did and they ran a lot faster than we did. It just seems to me to be that way - Afro-American kids can run very well. That doesn’t mean that Caucasian kids and other descents can’t run, but it’s very obvious to me that they run extremely well. You don't see many minority athletes in our program.”

OK, did this seriously offend people? Do you really think that this guy is a racist? Can you go beyond two hands when counting the number of white players at speed positions (WR, RB) in the entire NFL?

Only in LA! A man dressed as Elmo from Sesame Street was arrested last week for harassment. I guess he, along with a guy dressed like Mr. Incredible and another guy in the Scream outfit, tends to get a little grumpy with tourists when he poses for pictures and they don’t tip him. Then find new work!

Maybe cats aren’t evil after all? A woman in Iowa claims her cat pounced on her to wake her from her nap. When the cat woke the woman up, she saw the house filled with smoke. The cat saved her life! Just like Lassie!

How is this news? A man thought he was Superman and jumped out a 4th floor window. I know many people who did something similar to this as children!

Oh, PETA. How you annoy me so! They have requested the First Assembly of God Church quit swallowing live goldfish. The church agreed, and now they simply torture the fish FIRST, kill ‘em real good, and then fry ‘em up BEFORE they eat them. Is there a dwindling supply of goldfish in the world or something? The lesson here: don’t buy goldfish for your children to have as pets. After the kid kills it in a week and you flush it, PETA will be at your door. In fact, I hear they are already working on banning goldfish bowls!

Nice shot! A man in Australia tried to shoot a cow for his buddy. The guy missed twice, and struck a nearby motorist in the process. OK, how hard can it be to shoot a cow?

Could this be a new form of terrorism? A cab driver in Dallas is being accused of, get ready, sprinkling dried feces on baked goods in a grocery store. So, if you’re in Dallas, don’t get in a cab with Behrouz Nahidmobarekeh.

A man in Missouri found a 56-pound mushroom. Later that day, he spotted a flying donkey, a Cheeto shaped like the Virgin Mary, and the ghost of Abe Vigoda.

Wait – let me stop right here for a second. I have to tell you, on my way in this morning I saw a WOMAN in an SUV sporting one of these. Seriously! When I pulled up next to her, I noticed a horrible haircut. Not like that means anything at all.

Idiot! A man in Arkansas tried to recreate a scene from the movie Halloween and slashed the owner of a motel. What a moron!

Insanity in London! A soccer coach has a way to punish his sub-par players who have a bad game – let the disgruntled fans into the dressing room afterwards! Everyone has bad days, but most people don’t have to face hooligans after!

OK, so who HASN’T been abducted by aliens? Researchers say that most people have false memories about it. NO! Really? People are making this up to get attention? Shocking!

Finally, Bertuzzi in our building. Hmm!


ica said...

A 56 pound mushroom could feed me for 6 months!

Heather said...

Bertuzzi got shut the hell down in our house! Whooo!!! :)

Cats are evil - they just want fed and if the woman died, who would feed him?

Bill Purdy said...

I fell out of MY bedroom window when I was a kid, too!

Pat Angello said...

Bert looked completely uninspired and "out-of-it" last night. It was beautiful. Hope the Avs saved some more whoop-ass for Saturday night, cuz I'm there baby!

dejo said...

Re: Sheryl Swoopes coming out) You know who else announced they're gay? George Takei. [Hey, that rhymes. I'm a poet and I don't even know it.] And we always thought it was Kirk and Spock that had the special relationship...

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!