Sunday, October 23, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 10/23/05


WWWWIIIIIIILLLLMMMMAAAAAA!

OK, I’m a little annoyed. I know Wilma is a devastating natural disaster that is toying with everyone in the gulf. But, after Katrina, will the media ever stop calling every new hurricane “possibly the worst storm to EVER hit the US?” Seriously, the over-hype is just so, um, over-hyped! Rita was supposed to be the “worst ever,” and now Wilma is touted as the same. The media is the worst bunch of bandwagon jumpers EVER!

Dan Dierdorf told me so.

Katie Holmes is “ecstatic” about being pregnant. OK, I want to hear how “ecstatic” she is in the delivery room with no drugs and not being allowed to yell, scream, or sweat. Heh!

Mmm – cheeseburger! The House OK’d a bill dubbed the "cheeseburger bill" banning people from suing restaurants for making them fat. OK, but can you sue them for giving you explosive diarrhea?

I used to think stamp collectors were dorks. Then I saw this article about someone buying a sheet of the “Inverted Jenny” stamp (a 1918 stamp depicting a plane that was misprinted only on one sheet showing the plane upside-down) for $2.97 million! Now I still think they are dorks, but rich dorks. Someday I’ll sell my, um, collection of, uh…I don’t collect anything. Crud!

At least he got the attention! An astrologer in India predicted his own death last week. Hundreds came to his town to see if he would die, but he lived through the day. He blamed the people who prayed for him to live for ruining his prediction, and his credibility. Oh, and someone emptied the knife drawer, which was plan B.

“Wake up and move yer car before I give you a ticket! OK, you asked for it!” Australian police gave a parking ticket to a man who died in his car. Probably thought the old man was being a smart-ass. Great joke, geezer!

What’s the ironicness of that? The author of a new law that charges a felony to people who keep dangerous dogs in NM was, um, attacked by his own dog. That’s like Jay Leno backing a bill against bad comedians!

Why not become a criminal? These spoiled babies get food, cable, toilet paper. Well, NOW they get toilet paper. Funds for toilet paper (and other supplies) at a jail in Indiana actually got voted DOWN the week before. Finally, a second vote lead to a 5-1 victory. A grumpy panel member told the bastards to use their hands!

It’s been a while since I went golfing, but I always hated getting pestered by the ranger to keep things moving. Slow golfers in front were annoying as well. However, I never let it get me bent out of shape. But when deputy Raymond Yi of California didn’t think the group in front of him was playing “ready” golf, he pulled out his gun! Dude, relax! A bad day on the golf course beats a good day at work ANY day!

Ah, drinking games! Anheuser-Busch thought they were being cute and innocent by introducing a game called “Bud Pong.” This is a game where players use a ping-pong ball and try to bounce it into a cup filled with WATER. If you get it in, someone has to drink the WATER, which makes this game painful in Mexico. But those smart kids changed the beverage to – GASP – beer! The game is now being pulled from the shelves. Like they didn’t see this coming!

Boy, the military will recruit ANYONE! The Marines sent a letter to Sally-Alice Thompson saying they are in need of her services. Ms. Thompson is 82-years-old. Not sure what exactly she can do for these guys!

A girl in Indiana brought a gun and pot to school. Is this news really? After the pot I saw at the SOAD concert, I’m surprised she didn’t get past the metal detector!

This woman is a whiney beyotch! She is a stay-at-home mom going “on strike” because her kids and husband won’t help her around the house. Seen it.

And so is this guy! He actually hired homeless people to help him form a rally against illegal immigration. Someone needs some friends.

Can people in Oklahoma get any dumber? This guy was sentenced to 30 years in jail for shooting with intent to kill and robbery. He ASKED that his sentence get EXTENDED to 33 years to honor Larry Bird. When he heard about this, Bird said, “Dang! People in Indiana aren’t even that stupid. We even (eventually) give criminals toilet paper.”

Sometimes “wasn’t me” doesn’t work! AMEX is suing a man who is trying to dispute $241K in nudie bar charges. The CEO of Savvis, Inc., Robert McCormick, racked up (get it?) the bills but swears they were fraudulent. The bar actually fingerprints any customer who spends more than $10K, and calls the credit card company with the customer right there to approve the charges. Um, I think he’s toast!

The Packers must have had a bye-week last week! A man in Wisconsin is accused of putting photos of his, um, naughty bits on women’s cars in shopping center parking lots. He claims that he thought the women would find it funny. I guess that depends on how small it is!

In the immortal words of a drunk Harry Carey, “Lowanoutshide. Hhhaalppy blurfday to Tony Angelico and his daughter-law, Michael. No, Meeshhlell. Fowbawl!”

2 comments:

Bill Purdy said...

DANG!

STILL crackin' me up! Speaking of cracks, there's a chick in the background of the toilet paper pic that looks like a guy from Kajagoogoo. Seriously.

Nichelle said...

Katie Holmes is stupid....no drugs and you cant scream OR sweat? Good luck with that....

(From the woman who gave birth to an 8 pound, 12 ounce baby after 28 hours of labor, 45 minutes of pushing and as many drugs as was allowed - they had to wake me up to tell me it was time to push)....

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!