Friday, October 14, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 10/14/05


The creature has left NYC! Mary Kate Olsen (the anorexic, er, bulimic, oh whatever one on yer right) has left NYU to focus on her increasing responsibilities as co-president of Dualstar Entertainment Group, the company she “runs” with her sister Ashley. Ashley remains in school, even though they are each worth about $150 (remember million is always implied in the net worth of child stars that look like monkeys – and the number of people that oh-so missed hockey!). Prediction: 2025 Ashley will still be worth a ton of dough, and Mary Kate will either be dead, completely broke, or in a “special” facility.

OK, before I get too far here – don’t forget about the latest PAFC contest! Click here for more!

Bill Romanowski did DRUGS? No way! Now he’s writing a book about it and going on 60 Minutes and crying for publicity. I have no sympathy and don’t really care. Nice guy – lied to his kids, purposely injured other players, spat in JJ Stokes’ face. A real role model! I know hippies who have done fewer drugs than this guy!

Is that Oprah? A woman on a motorcycle collided with a bear in CA. The bear jumped up and said, “Oh, it’s on now, beyotch!”

“There was an old lady who lived in a shoe. She had so many kids, her uterus fell out.” OK, maybe not, but Michelle Duggar of Arkansas just dropped her 16th kid. She’s had two sets of twins and has pretty much been pregnant for 18 years straight now. Dude – give her a break! At least let her get a haircut!

A man in North Dakota asked his beloved Katie to marry him by etching the question into his soybean field. However, he started running out of room, so he left off an “r” in the word “marry.” Essentially, he asked Katie to “mary” him. Sounds a little kinky. She said, “I scanned it, noticed what it said and was speechless (because I suddenly realized I was about to marry a man who can’t spell).” She said yes, and then asked who the hell Mary is.

Why do people keep doing this? A couple in Montana currently own 200 pets: 17 cats, two goats, seven pigs, 16 chickens, two turkeys, two guinea pigs, six parakeets, two ducks, 18 horses and 138 dogs. They could feed all of the homeless in Montana with most of those animals. Chinese restaurants wouldn’t have to buy meat for months!

You didn’t just click on that link, did you? Really? Could you not tell where I was going with that? Don’t you even know me by now?

But wait – there’s more! This guy in CA had 300 birds in his home, 120 were dead! Oh, and he was operating on a pigeon that he sedated with vodka. Someone needs to find a new hobby. I can’t even imagine what that place looked like.

Someone didn’t learn his lesson! A man in Indiana robbed a bank just 5 days after getting out of prison for, um, robbing a bank! He was in jail for just 2 years of his 6-year sentence. We really need to let criminals out of jail early more often – it seems to be working!

Them Brits loves some dirty laundry! A man used a banner hung from a bridge to tell his wife he wanted a divorce. She replied calling HIM the cheater. Both were not allowed to go outside for recess.

Corral that truck thief! When a man in Texas stole a truck and then wrecked it, witnesses hogtied him with a garden hose. That’ll learn him! Ya know, stealing brown rice from Albertson’s is a half step away from stealing cars.

A woman escaped prison in Nebraska wearing just her undies. Rumor has it, she signed up for THIS – the annual underpants run in Hawaii! Not sure how she was going to get to Hawaii from McCook, NE, but what the heck. A chick running in underwear is a story I am required to cover.

Made ya look! Geez – I even made myself look when I was proofing this!

Looking for your fair share of scrimps? Look no further than McDonald’s in Japan, where you can no enjoy a nummy shrimp burger! My wife would enjoy that, and so would Starkiesha’s entourage!

Feeling a little claustrophobic? A man on a plane from Vegas to Tampa literally punched out a window on the plane. OK, well just the inside of the window. So, um, where was he planning on going?

Ah, the life of a Walgreen’s employee! A few women working at a Walgreen’s in Florida got into a fight about using the microwave in the break room. So out came the knives! Yep, one woman literally stabbed the other over who got to use the stupid microwave! Every time I’m in Walgreen’s, the employees are always so sweet and pleasant!

Ack – I feel like I’m going to cough up a screw! This guy literally DID cough up a screw! After falling from a ladder and breaking 2 vertebrae in his back, Etienne Verhees had a metal plate inserted. His cold made him cough up a screw from the plate. That is the coolest thing I ever heard!

The world’s oldest noodles have been discovered in China. They were preserved in an overturned bowl. Houyuan Lu, of the Chinese Academy of Science in Beijing and his colleagues found the ancient noodles and said they weren’t bad but a little stale. Kinda like the low-carb noodles that taste like cardboard, only slightly tenderer.

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