Tuesday, October 11, 2005

PAFC newsletter, 10/11/05

He shoots – HE SCORES! And so does HE! Two elderly golfers in Australia scored back-to-back holes-in-one on the same hole. Just when I started trusting the elderly again...

Don’t bite the hand that squeezes you! A man raising bears in China for their bile was attacked and killed by his bears. Oh, and then they ate him! SWEET! In practices that really piss off PETA, bile is extracted through surgically implanted catheters in the bear’s gall bladders and then sold as medicine. Ya know – a being can only take a catheter for only so long before having to eat someone.

Saddam’s capture wasn’t due to military intelligence. Oh, no. A man in Brazil is claiming his psychic abilities led the US to where Saddam was hiding. Now he wants $25 (remember, million is always implied in rewards for capturing evil dictators – and the odds that two people will get a hole-in-one on the same hole at the same stinkin’ time!). I could use $25 million too! Maybe I could tell them where Osama is, cuz I know. Actually, I don’t. But I’d LOVE to know why it’s taken 4 years and they still have NO CLUE where the guy is! Seriously, how hard can that be? For the love of Christ – he’s running an ad to recruit people! Sure Saddam was killing his own people, which is bad, but I’m more concerned about someone that killed OUR people! Or someone that is ramping up to kill our people, like North Korea. I wonder where that Katrina girl is hiding too!

Did I just get political there? Sorry!

Madonna pisses off the Jews! The pop singer has a tune called “Isaac” on her upcoming album. Apparently this is a tribute the founder of the Kabbalah school of mysticism, which Madonna follows, um, religiously. But Rabbi Rafael Cohen said, “There is a prohibition in Jewish law against using the holy name of our master, the Sage Isaac, for profit.” So you can grind on a pole and take close up pics of yer heehaw for profit, but don’t you DARE mention Isaac in a tune. If you can believe this, the Orthodox Jews don’t really dig the former Catholic. Then again, it ain’t Madonna unless she’s pissing off SOME community.

Evolution is REAL? Scientists in Australia have discovered “Hobbit-sized” human remains. But I thought Adam and Eve were the first people? They weren’t Hobbit-sized, and I’m sure they were as white as the driven snow, just like crazy uncle Jesus! Maybe we really DID evolve from monkeys!

A moral dilemma! A man in Amsterdam (hey – that rhymes!) broke into a house but was scared away by the corpse of an 89-year-old woman sitting inside. Actually, it was a sleepy Joan Rivers. What to do – call the cops and tell them there’s a rotting corpse in the house you’re trying to rob? It’s not like the lady can stop him.

Holy SMURF – we have to get the Smurf outta here! For some reason, UNICEF in Belgium is running ads of a burning Smurf village. Smurfette gets killed and little Baby Smurf is orphaned. So please donate money so this little blue guy can go into foster care.

BTW, it has always been a dream of mine to bomb the Smurfs.

While we’re on the subject, here’s what I want for Christmas!

Oh, that and world peace.

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