What did you step in? A registered sex offender in Oregon was captured wearing a homemade loin (I said loin) cloth put together with a rope and a chunk from a lawn chair. He was wandering around and harassing women, after he rolled in poopie! What a vision! He claimed that the girls he was chasing “partied” with him the night before and made him roll in spaghetti sauce. Well, if it’s gonna be THAT kinda party – oh, never mind!
Don’t get me wrong, the return of the NHL is great! Especially in Minnesota! In fact, their governor is SO excited he can hardly contain himself! He actually got to lead the crowd on a chant during the home opener. He was SUPPOSED to say, “It's time to drop the puck. So everybody say it with me – ‘Let's play hockey!’” Guess which word he, um, screwed up? Oh, let’s just play some fruckin’ hockey already!
Gimme everything in the drawer, other than whatever this cup of coffee costs. A robber in Oregon held up a coffee shop, but then used a portion of the stolen funds to pay for his cup of coffee. Um, what the hell was the point?
Crampy! A man in Arkansas ate 19 grilled cheese sandwiches in 10 minutes. Fortunately, all sandwiches were inspected for images of faith before being consumed. I’m guessing he either burnt the living hell out of the roof of his mouth, or he spent the rest of the day with Pepto!
No naked shopping? What are you, a bunch of Mormons? A man in Utah was arrested for walking into a convenience store buck-naked. Glad that’s not a crime in Colorado because, um, well. It IS a crime? At least they don’t have cameras in those places in Colorado or I’d surely… What? They do? Maybe this goatee will save me!
Did it really take until now for this to finally happen? A Chik-Fil-A cow was stolen off a billboard in Virginia. I was thinking that happened every day, but I guess the Virginians are the smart ones that did it first. Where would you put that? Seriously, what the heck would you do with it after you took it? Maybe it would be fun to leave it outside someone’s front door. Who’s with me?
It must be that time of year again. Time for people to suck their daughter’s blood. What, it’s not normal to do that? Oh, well, what’s wrong with MY family then! Anyway, a couple in Cambodia (honestly!) bit their daughter’s thumb nail and nose and started sucking her blood to scare away evil spirits. Well, if it’s gonna be THAT kinda party… Oh, forget it!
There is a man in China named Wang who paints with his tongue. Um, nothing further.
What? Not in San Francisco? A man won the first Mr. Gay contest in San Diego. Not that there’s anything wrong with that! I tried to find a picture of the winner, because my “gay porn” hits are dropping. All I could find was this! Hey, Clay – you can grab whatever you want – yer not fooling ANYONE!