Tuesday, September 06, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 9/6/05

Ya know, the Denver Broncos were the ONLY team in the NFL without a loss this pre-season. And the Colts didn’t win a single pre-season game! And by week 8 you’ll realize why that doesn’t mean dinky-doo! However, if you think you know so much about football, go ahead and join the Pat Angello Fan Club Pick ‘Em on AM950 the Fan. Click here for details and instructions! It’s FREE and you could win some cool stuff, including a PAFC custom T-shirt for the group winner! Hurry – games start Thursday, 9/8/05 and you must be signed up and submit your picks by 7PM MST on that day!

No means NO! “I said I didn’t want a lap dance and that’s final! Whoa, settle down there. Put the knife away – Aarrggghhh!” A stripper literally stabbed a customer when he refused a lap dance offered by her. Aw, she just wanted to show off her new tattoo above her bum! I wonder where she pulled the knife from? Was she in the circus?

Speaking of crazy women criminals! This girl was cuffed in the back of a police car and still managed to get her hand on the trigger of a policeman’s gun. Let’s see: a prostitution charge, or a prostitution plus murdering a cop charge. Which would be better, hmm?

Because a girl I work with LOVES bugs, a man in Britain found a HUGE venomous centipede in his house! He thought it was a rat at first, but then it downed a beer and two slices of pizza. “The rats don’t care for beer actually.”

Whales will be ruling the earth soon. Some are actually strategizing on catching seagulls! They regurgitate fish, sink down in the water, and wait for the seagull to take the bait. Then the whale will rush to the top and snatch up the seagulls and dinner is ON! This is not to be confused with the East German Olympic Female Synchronized Swimming practice.

At least she’s got an entrepreneurial spirit! A woman decided to charge people for parking cars in a lot nearby for Marshall University football games. Unfortunately, the lot didn’t belong to her! Hey, it’s good money if you can make it work!

In the dumbest bet ever to get publicity, a batboy (batMAN is more appropriate as the “kid” is about 18 years old) took a dare from a professional baseball player that he could drink an entire gallon of milk in an hour without throwing it up. The kid got suspended by the league for gambling! I see eBay in this kids future!

I said I’ll drink my coffee wherever I damn well please! A guy in Chicago got upset about restrictions on WHERE he could drink his cup of Joe at the metal finishing plant he works in. And that was the last straw! He went so loopy that he basically poisoned the office coffee pot with urine and lead acetate. Needless to say, many employees were puking their guts out, and someone needs to switch to decaf!

OK, I’ve been a little bored in the middle of the day, but never THIS bored! This man doused a police cruiser in gasoline and lit it on fire – right behind the police station. He suffered some burns and was caught (obviously) and cops still don’t know why he did it. I think it was a dare: either this or drinking a gallon of milk in less than an hour – he was lactose intolerant.

If ya can’t stand the heat, then pay yer rent! A landlord in MO cranked up the heat on a tenant because the tenant was late on rent. However, the tenant refused to pay rent until the landlord fixed the air conditioner, stove and refrigerator (all of which were not in working order). Judge Judy?

In Dar Es Salaam, Tanzania (my wife likes to call it “Dar is a Slum because, ya know, it kinda is) a 50-year-old man fought off a lion while his two friends stood there and yelled for help. “Yeah, big help guys! Don’t worry about me; I’ll fight off the lion myself. You two just stand there and yell for a while.” Time to weed the garden if ya know what I mean!

And you thought Dr. House had a bad bedside manner! A doctor in Tokyo basically beat up his elderly female patient when she started to thrash around on the operating table, asking him to stop before the anesthesia was administered. Just like Dr. Greenmeanie!

Totally big brother! Hooligans are stuck at home, and a computer chip is making sure they stay there. In Amsterdam, there is a new technology that calls convicted hooligans at home just before a match starts. The phone call uses voice verification to make sure the hooligan is still home and not at the game doing hooliganism-like activities. Hooligans!

Darwin Award Nominee! This woman saw a spider in her house and, because using hairspray to kill it wasn’t enough, torched the arachnid with a lighter held up to the can of hairspray! Wouldn’t you know it? The house caught on fire and burned to the ground. The insurance man LAUGHED!

OK, this is kinda yucky! This guy is making bread in the shape of body parts. OK, don’t be a pervy; these are arms, legs, hands, and they look creepy. I don’t really want to eat a giant hand.

What’s really important? A 40-year-old man in Malaysia was about to jump to his death as people pleaded with him not to. They told him to think about his wife and kids, but the thought of losing his job had just about done him in. Until someone pointed out that he left his dog in the car, locked it, and put the windows up. The dog was suffocating. So he got down to save the dog. Screw the family; the dog is worth living for!

Don’t jinx the guy! A man in Missouri will turn 100 on 9/20/05 – and he still drives a car and goes bowling. I’m pretty sure we got stuck behind him on the way back from the Dells!

I am a very light sleeper. Not this guy though! He literally slept on a railroad track as a train cruised right over him. People couldn’t even pull the passed out drunken bastard up off the tracks after his oblivious near-death experience! At least he wasn’t driving.

1 comment:

Collin said...

When you mentioned that "Whales will be ruling the earth soon", I thought you meant the Welsh. Then I got to the part about regurgitating fish and I thought "Wha...? Surely a net would work well enough, and what does this have to do with ruling the earth?" Now it's all clear, but for a moment there...
After we heard about that bet last week we tried to get Derek to drink a gallon of milk in an hour. We offered $2 each so he could have made a cool $10. He said he was game but he insisted on skim milk and nobody else would agree to that. I thought it would still be worth it, but nothing came of it.
Perhaps the friends of the man from Tanzania owed him some money? "Oh my. Bob's being gobbled by a lion and I still owe him $20. help. help."
"Hooligans" sounds like a great name for a pub. They could partner up with Hooters.
That bread guy is awesome! Did you see the shelves behind him? They need those at the WalMart bakeries. Get the populace accustomed to cannibalism.
It was a good dog. Good dog.
At least he wasn't driving the train.

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!