Tuesday, September 27, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 9/27/05

Rod Smith is the MAN! It doesn’t really matter if you are a big football fan or not; an undrafted wide receiver hitting the 10,000-yard mark is pretty incredible. So incredible that Rod is the ONLY WR in NFL history to do so. Plus, he never showboats, or talks trash, or calls people out in the media. THIS is the kind of guy who should be getting all the headlines on ESPN, not people like Terrell Owens, Randy Moss, and Chad Johnson. Rod Smith is an inspiration and a roll model for kids playing sports – a true professional!

Quiet, 99 – my shoe is ringing! Sadly, the great comedic actor Don Adams has passed away. Best know for his character Maxwell Smart, the buffoon of a secret agent on the TV series “Get Smart,” Adams was certainly a brilliant mind. Cause of death was a lung infection, but I think this next headline might have killed him as well…

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are fruckin’ MARRIED! Hearts are breaking across the country. OK, maybe just Bruce Willis’ heart. Sorry, but Kutcher is such a dope, and Demi could pretty much have anyone she wants. So why this, ya know, dope?

How can we stop this thing from reproducing? Donald Trump has knocked up his new(est) bride, making this the 5th spawn of his seed. Are there not enough people with bad hair in this world already?

Sometimes living next to circus freaks is a GOOD thing! Two trapeze instructors in NY saw a guy drowning in the Hudson River and went to work, saving the guy’s life. The man was very grateful, but didn’t really want to have them over for dinner to show his appreciation because, ya know. “Maybe we could meet somewhere? I’ll buy you a cup of Joe…”

There was no competition! Muriel Saunders, a 71-year-old woman, was named homecoming queen at Northeastern State University in Oklahoma. It was pretty obvious she would win because her only competition was Carrie Underwood, winner of American Idol. Saunders said, “Yeah, and she didn’t deserve that either! My man Bo was ROBBED! Besides, I’ve survived cancer, which is much harder than getting criticized by an ambiguously gay Englishman.”

You are what you is… A defense attorney is fighting to keep his client’s nickname from being used during a trial. Demetrius “Scuz” Fiorentino is charged with the shooting death of Joel “Wellz” Taylor during a botched drug deal in a Pennsylvania crack house. I think being called “Scuz” is the least if this guy’s problems! Besides, friends and witnesses (who have always known the guy as “Scuz”) start to giggle every time they try to say “Demetrius.” Do you think it was an accident he ended up with that nickname?

Who plans these marathon routes anyway? A marathon in Illinois was interrupted twice by freight trains. The former mayor even pulled his pickup on to the tracks to stop a third train from disrupting the race. Fortunately, the train was able to stop before hitting the pickup. Maybe next year they can go a different way, or even start the race at a different time! Doi!

Watch out! It’s the attack of the killer reindeer! No, really! A couple in Finland was literally ambushed by a reindeer! A simple hike turned into a B-grade horror movie. I think I need this on a T-shirt. Collin?

Dumb criminals are the BEST! This guy tried to carjack a vehicle, but was frustrated after realizing the car had a manual transmission, which he never learned to drive! HAH! Working in the car business, I ALWAYS tried to get parents to buy a stick shift for their kids’ first vehicle. I gave the “what if they were at a party and nobody else could drive and the only vehicle available had a stick” example. Apparently it comes in handy when carjacking a vehicle as well. I honestly got an email from a customer once that wanted ONLY a stick because the “primary driver (a term NOBODY outside the car business uses) could not drive an automatic.” OK, so I called the bluff, but the “customer” swore that the “primary driver” could not put enough pressure on the brake pedal to get the car out of park. This “primary driver” should be a “constant passenger” in my book! How would they bring the car to a stop? Scary!

So, why can’t you import live piranha? An inspector of shipments in the Philippines was checking a box when a piranha jumped up and bit him on the finger. The box actually contained 34 piranhas, but was confiscated and the fish later died. Then, in scathing irony, the inspectors dined on the dead fish for happy hour!

In America, your dreams really DO come true! Just ask Moses Bittok, a former Kenyan. Right after taking the oath to become a citizen of the US, Bittok bought an Iowa lottery ticket (apparently a tradition) and won almost $2 (remember, million is always implied in lottery winnings – and the number of Elvis fans that can’t be wrong!). Stinking, lucky, opportunistic immigrants!

And in some places they make fake emergency landings with a jet full of passengers just to watch a soccer match. However, for THIS game in Costa Rica, there were more people on the field than in the stands. Literally, attendance was 19 total people – all for the opposing team! That’s almost like going to a Rockies game these days. For a team that was first in ticket sales in all of major league baseball seven years running, they are currently 24th. See how easy it is to destroy a team by spending money poorly? I remember when Coors Field was built. A wise man (aka Wyman) was ticked off – said the money should go to Denver schools. Five years later, Denver ranked 48th out of 50 states as far as education and nobody could figure out why. Let’s see, one plus one equals…

Ah, more dumb criminals! After getting arrested for breaking into a store, a man in WV busted away from the cops and jumped in the river. However, his hands were cuffed behind his back. It’s kinda hard to swim that way! He somehow managed to get back to shore right about the same place he jumped in. So, he added “fleeing deputies” to his list of felonies. Sounds like the name of a country band, Fleeing Deputies.

The rising gas prices (which are actually LOW considering inflation, and compared to most other countries, but go ahead and complain) have people doing just about anything. Someone in CO made off with $400 in fuel this week. But this guy might have been up a little too late to make his heist. A man in Indiana fell asleep while siphoning gas into a large tank in the back of his van. And the fuel there was only $2.67, something we’ll never see in the Denver metro area again I’m sure.

WHO GOES THERE? The South Korean government is spending 33.4 billion in defending their border with robots. The dogs are out, and robots are in for drug sniffing and checking bags. I can’t wait to see a robot sniff.

Be careful who yer flashing! A man in Germany jumped out from behind the bushes and flashed a woman who was walking her dogs. This woman didn’t scream and run away like he had hoped. Instead, the female off-duty cop called for backup, sending the pervy scrambling back into the bushes. He was later caught and arrested for indecent exposure. That’s why I only flash children

I’m TOTALLY kidding!

I only flash old people.

NO – kidding again!

Be nice to your children! Otherwise, they will do what this 18-month old did – run yer ass over! Mommy left the keys in the car, and Jr. started it, threw it into reverse, and ran over Mommy, 4-year-old sister, and pinned grandpa against the barn door. Is it a coincidence that the kid is named Damien?

Oktoberfest is a time for beer, brats and porn! Wait a second… Apparently people at the Munich Oktoberfest didn’t expect a porn shoot in the cabin of their Ferris wheel, but that’s what they got. Can you imagine? How uncomfortable would that be? Actually I just wrote about this story because I wanted to use the word porn again – get my “gay porn” hits back up.

Still probably the best women for the job! Police in Pakistan are investigating how two dead women won elections last month. These women have been dead for YEARS, but still managed to beat their competition. Which makes me wonder if Ted Kennedy is really still alive.

1 comment:

Collin said...

I can see the shirt now. A blood coated reindeer head with the words: "Ho ho ho, muthafucka!"

I only flash with a camera... flash.

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!