Thursday, September 15, 2005

It's a BOI!

It’s a BOI! Britney and Kevin had their baby this week. The kid was born with a cheesy goatee and a tattoo over his behind. No name has been announced, but I’m guessing they will name him Asparagus.

Because her last name is Spears…

Never mind!

This is fantastic! It’s a video of 5th graders performing DEVO’s “Whip It” video! If you don’t know the video, it’s cute. If you DO know the video, it’s frucking brilliant! Seriously made me cry! Thanks Collin!

It’s mayhem I tell you – MAYHEM! An older gentleman in CA dragged an old sailboat up from the bottom of the Newport Harbor. He spent years restoring the boat, only to have it destroyed and sunk by sea lions this week. Since May, sea lions have been showing up in the harbor and destroying things, including the $24K boat, and barking all night. Dang – it’s almost like living in an apartment! I really wish I could see video of the sea lions destroying the boat. I’m picturing ninja sea lions doing flying kicks into pillars and yelling, “hiiiiiiiiiiiii-YAH!”

I miss being in Nebraska! A woman in Kearney was just arrested for selling pot out of her home, which she also ran a day care out of! However, since a Colorado chess instructor was just busted for sexually harassing children, I guess I don’t miss Nebraska that much!

Soon to be the rage in trailer parks and ghettos EVERYWHERE! Forget the cheesy flowers and fake stones painted on your nails, ladies. A new technology in Singapore can now paint actual photos on your nails! This blog would get more hits if I could translate this paragraph into Spanish!

Dude, am I trippin’ or did that marijuana plant just ride off on a bicycle? Some guy in Oregon snatched 3 pot plants and tried to pedal away on his bicycle. Note to potheads: police cars are faster than bicycles! He was stopped around 5:40PM (not 4:20PM) and had a big smile on his face.

OK, no more Mountain Dew for me! A man in FL urinated into a bottle of Mountain Dew belonging to a customer. At least the color is a match, but why would you even consider doing this? The customer became violently ill, and lawyers are concerned the employee might have a sexually transmitted disease. WTF?

Speaking of sexually transmitted disease, a man in Denver is suing Bonfils Blood Center. He was hired as a phlebotomist but reassigned to lab work when his manager learned he has AIDS. His reassignment makes complete sense to me! And what exactly does he want in the lawsuit? Can you imagine the lawsuit against Bonfils if the guy pricked his finger while drawing someone’s blood and passed the disease on? Guh!

Yes, Germans ARE serious all the time! In fact, they are no longer allowed to smile for their passport pictures! There is a new facial recognition system that cannot match features properly unless the person has a neutral expression on their face. Seriously! Thanks, terrorists!

It’s a bridal party rumble! Several members of two separate bridal parties in NY are in jail for being involved in a brawl. The best man in one party was mistaken for the photographer (missing) from the other party. He confirmed his true identity by starting a huge melee. The brides were just a tad upset that their big day was ruined by a couple of meatheads. The divorce rate in NY is about to escalate…

Wow – my principal in high school couldn’t even run! A kid went streaking through his high school wearing nothing but a gorilla mask, until the principal chased him down. Next week on the OC!

Not quite a miracle! The wife of an archbishop in Nairobi has been arrested. The archbishop claims that his prayers bring “miracle babies” to those who cannot have children (because God knows there aren’t enough unwanted children in Kenya!). However, these babies don’t really fall from the sky – his wife steals them! What a heavenly duo!

This is really mean actually! There is a new online reality show in Croatia starring sheep instead of people. You can visit a website and decide which sheep stay and which sheep go. Those voted off are eaten; the winner receives poetry in its honor. This show will also be coming to Wyoming, but it will star both sheep and people and only be available if you are 18 or older.

Speaking of sheep. Italians are again allowed to bet on the Miss Italy contest, upsetting the contestants. “Hey, I heard she played a mean harp so I laid a twenty on her. What?”

Feeling a little possessed recently? Attend the exorcist convention! Pope Benedict welcomed Italian exorcists to the Vatican City this week for a convention to discuss the correct formula for exorcisms. Why, that’s enough to make your head spin!


I love it when armed robbers are pansies! Two restaurant owners used tables and chairs to scare off armed robbers in Germany. Were they wielding water pistols?


Bill Purdy said...

Best post in a while, Patrick. Especially the B. Spears post.

Looking forward to kicking your a*s in hockey this weekend, bro.

Pat Angello said...

I have 3 words - shoot out victory!

ica said...

Asparagus Spears sounds like a fine name to me. Hm...I wonder if it will take her last name?

Thanks for letting me know about the facial expression thing. Now when our world is filled w/ cameras Big Brother-style (if it isn't already) I'll know to walk around grinning from ear-to-ear so they can't identify me!

Heather said...

I watched the 5th graders Devo w/ Collin's 5 year old - she thought it was "horrifying." I thought it was great!

I wanna go to the exorcism convention! Lots of fun!!

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!