Ya gotta love my fans! One wanted her hometown mentioned, so she forwarded this article to me:
“Man assaulted with his prosthetic leg! A
I hope it wasn’t a titanium space leg!
One reader suggested I link to these goofy stories I report on, so...
A woman in KS came home to find people raiding her apartment. There was a legal notice in the local paper with her address (a misprint) down for unclaimed property. People showed up, somehow got into her place (she swears it was locked) and started taking her stuff. Even her poor kitty! The newspaper settled with her quickly, which was smart! If this happened to me, they could have the dog. I swear, that thing has two titanium knees, smells like poo, and her ears are crooked! Somehow, we keep her! I guess we’ve invested too much money in her to let her go now.
OK, I better stop before my wife has me sleeping on the deck (assuming she even lets me back in the apartment)! I do love that stinky yellow dog, and she is honestly the best dog I’ve ever had.
Speaking of the stench of our dog, we took her for a walk over to a fountain/concrete pond area near our complex last week. She went in the water and had a BALL! She was playing on the steps into the pond, and was paddling around a little. She kept jumping out and jumping back in. I said to my wife, we’re going to need to give the dog a bath soon because that water was sure to make her stinky! Actually, there had to be some kind of cleaning agent in there, because the next day the dog smelled BETTER than before. Heck, I’m thinking we just found ourselves a free dog bath!
Again thanks to a misprint, a woman in MO is getting bombarded with phone calls about Medicaid benefits being cut. Some 340,000 letters were sent to Medicaid customers informing them of service cuts, and Sharon Rivera’s phone number was listed accidentally. There’s nothing like trying to reason with pissed off elderly people! Rivera actually runs a business out of her home and doesn’t want to change her 800 number. She books concerts and sells music for Jack Gladstone, an Indian singer, songwriter, lecturer and storyteller.
Which brings me to this!
The NCAA is going for political correctness again! They’ve decided to ban American Indian names and mascots from postseason tournaments. That’s right, a school literally has to change their name, uniforms, mascots, and cheerleader/band uniforms if they want to compete in the postseason of ANY NCAA sport. Please! Some may argue that calling a team the Chiefs or Redskins is demeaning, and some may argue that it’s a tribute. Either way, I’m not a fan of political correctness. The minority always rules, so if one person is offended, the entire country has to change everything. I say, “Bite me!” You can make fun of me all you want, because I don’t offend easily. People that do get offended easily need to find a hobby. Seriously, because less than 1% of the
Sorry for the rant - back to the story. One cheerleader from a school that shall remain nameless was (not) quoted as saying, “Omigod! I, like, totally LOVE Indians! They have, like, the cutest suede and fringe outfits! I am SO jealous! And I think it’s, like, totally cool that they can make it rain when they dance. How FUN! They do make me really sad when they cry though. But that’s, like, only when people litter! So D O N T L I T T E R dooooonnnn’tttttt LITTER! Woo!”
How about we get behind a decent cause! Former Buffalo Bills’ QB Jim Kelly just lost his son, Hunter, to Krabbe Disease. Hunter was 8, but doctors didn’t expect him to reach 3. Kelly dedicated countless hours and donated tons of money to help fight this disease that “hinders development of the myelin sheath, a fatty covering that protects the brain's nerve fibers.” The Hunter’s Hope Foundation has raised about $6 million for neurological disease-related research. Maybe people should pour their time into something like raising money for research instead of something like THIS! (Warning, this is bound to really piss you off!)
Uh-oh! The NBA will play their All-Star game in
But you PROMISED! Canadians were ready for the onslaught of unhappy Democrats to invade their country after the election. However, the number of Americans applying to live in
Another form of airplane terrorism! A businessman has been convicted of sexually assaulting a sleeping woman on a plane. The perv threw a blanket over her, and the rest is just disturbing. She woke up, pulled his hand away, and ran to the back of the plane to report what had happened.
“The Da Vinci Code” on CD: $20.
Business-class tickets from
7 years in jail, a $25,000 fine, and 2 years of being supervised by authorities after your release for feeling up a sleeping woman on a plane: Priceless!
Because Mother Nature can call at any moment! Australians are building the highest toilet. The new throne will sit just 390 feet below the
A man in
Some freaky young couple wants to get married at a cemetery. They are former art students and are just a bit different, according to their former art teacher. NO! At least they have enough courtesy to have the ceremony at the gates and not on someone’s grave. Goth kids are so CUTE when they hit their early 20’s! Bridesmaids were asked to stock up on black lipstick and fishnets.
How much do I love dumb criminals? These guys stole a car from someone ON CAMERA! Yes, a shopping show was being filmed, and the guys came up to the host and asked him for his car keys. The screen was actually showing a computer shot of the bidding at the time, but the audio was enough for police to track down the bad guys. Or should I say stupid guys? Seriously, would you try to steal a car from a guy that is being filmed?