Sunday, August 07, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 8/7/05

Ya gotta love my fans! One wanted her hometown mentioned, so she forwarded this article to me:

“Man assaulted with his prosthetic leg! A Midland, MI man, 44, suffered minor injuries when a woman beat him with one of his prosthetic legs at a Grove Street home Wednesday evening. The man told Midland Police the 45-year-old woman struck him after an argument while they were in the home, so he went outside to escape her. Someone called police when they saw the man bleeding while walking on Grove Street about 5:10 p.m. The woman then followed the man outside and used the leg to hit him again. She then walked away with the prosthetic. The woman was arrested on charges of domestic assault and larceny of the prosthetic leg, which police could not find.”

I hope it wasn’t a titanium space leg!

One reader suggested I link to these goofy stories I report on, so...

A woman in KS came home to find people raiding her apartment. There was a legal notice in the local paper with her address (a misprint) down for unclaimed property. People showed up, somehow got into her place (she swears it was locked) and started taking her stuff. Even her poor kitty! The newspaper settled with her quickly, which was smart! If this happened to me, they could have the dog. I swear, that thing has two titanium knees, smells like poo, and her ears are crooked! Somehow, we keep her! I guess we’ve invested too much money in her to let her go now.

OK, I better stop before my wife has me sleeping on the deck (assuming she even lets me back in the apartment)! I do love that stinky yellow dog, and she is honestly the best dog I’ve ever had.

Speaking of the stench of our dog, we took her for a walk over to a fountain/concrete pond area near our complex last week. She went in the water and had a BALL! She was playing on the steps into the pond, and was paddling around a little. She kept jumping out and jumping back in. I said to my wife, we’re going to need to give the dog a bath soon because that water was sure to make her stinky! Actually, there had to be some kind of cleaning agent in there, because the next day the dog smelled BETTER than before. Heck, I’m thinking we just found ourselves a free dog bath!

Again thanks to a misprint, a woman in MO is getting bombarded with phone calls about Medicaid benefits being cut. Some 340,000 letters were sent to Medicaid customers informing them of service cuts, and Sharon Rivera’s phone number was listed accidentally. There’s nothing like trying to reason with pissed off elderly people! Rivera actually runs a business out of her home and doesn’t want to change her 800 number. She books concerts and sells music for Jack Gladstone, an Indian singer, songwriter, lecturer and storyteller.

Which brings me to this!

The NCAA is going for political correctness again! They’ve decided to ban American Indian names and mascots from postseason tournaments. That’s right, a school literally has to change their name, uniforms, mascots, and cheerleader/band uniforms if they want to compete in the postseason of ANY NCAA sport. Please! Some may argue that calling a team the Chiefs or Redskins is demeaning, and some may argue that it’s a tribute. Either way, I’m not a fan of political correctness. The minority always rules, so if one person is offended, the entire country has to change everything. I say, “Bite me!” You can make fun of me all you want, because I don’t offend easily. People that do get offended easily need to find a hobby. Seriously, because less than 1% of the US population does not believe in God, we have to have some stupid legal dispute over a nativity scene/Hanukah display every stinking year! It’s about time we told these whiners, “Too freakin’ bad! Deal with it! You’ll live!”

Sorry for the rant - back to the story. One cheerleader from a school that shall remain nameless was (not) quoted as saying, “Omigod! I, like, totally LOVE Indians! They have, like, the cutest suede and fringe outfits! I am SO jealous! And I think it’s, like, totally cool that they can make it rain when they dance. How FUN! They do make me really sad when they cry though. But that’s, like, only when people litter! So D O N T L I T T E R dooooonnnn’tttttt LITTER! Woo!”

How about we get behind a decent cause! Former Buffalo Bills’ QB Jim Kelly just lost his son, Hunter, to Krabbe Disease. Hunter was 8, but doctors didn’t expect him to reach 3. Kelly dedicated countless hours and donated tons of money to help fight this disease that “hinders development of the myelin sheath, a fatty covering that protects the brain's nerve fibers.” The Hunter’s Hope Foundation has raised about $6 million for neurological disease-related research. Maybe people should pour their time into something like raising money for research instead of something like THIS! (Warning, this is bound to really piss you off!)

Uh-oh! The NBA will play their All-Star game in Las Vegas in 2007. Just what the NBA players need – legal prostitutes! Not only that, but why would you NOT play the game in a city that actually has a team? I guess the NBA ain’t so FANtastic after all!

But you PROMISED! Canadians were ready for the onslaught of unhappy Democrats to invade their country after the election. However, the number of Americans applying to live in Canada actually dropped after the election. I hate political bickering, so I was hoping we’d lose at least a few of the outspoken, but alas we did not. Canadian Immigration Minister, Joe Volpe, didn’t sound TOO disappointed, “I guess I'm happy Republicans and Democrats have found a way to live together in peace and in harmony.” Hardly! People stayed behind so everyone could hear them complain – it’s the American way!

Another form of airplane terrorism! A businessman has been convicted of sexually assaulting a sleeping woman on a plane. The perv threw a blanket over her, and the rest is just disturbing. She woke up, pulled his hand away, and ran to the back of the plane to report what had happened.

“The Da Vinci Code” on CD: $20.

Business-class tickets from Dallas to Boston: $785.

7 years in jail, a $25,000 fine, and 2 years of being supervised by authorities after your release for feeling up a sleeping woman on a plane: Priceless!

Because Mother Nature can call at any moment! Australians are building the highest toilet. The new throne will sit just 390 feet below the peak of Mount Kosciuszko. The trick will be to build a potty that can withstand 93 mph winds so it will be carved 20 feet into the mountain. There will even be wheelchair access! If you can wheel up that hill, more freakin’ power to ya!

Also in Australia, a sleepy judge is retiring. Judge Dodd had a bad habit of dozing off during trials. In fact, he even snored during a rape victim’s testimony! Lawyers had to constantly cough and clear their throats in an effort to wake the ol’ sleepy gavel monkey. I’m just waiting to see the tons of people wanting a mistrial declared.

A man in Iowa was literally an idiot out wandering aimlessly! The man entered a Subway sandwich shop wearing nothing but a ski mask. He bought nothing, demanded nothing, and basically did and said nothing. He just walked in, wandered around a little, and then left. He couldn’t really rob the place because he didn’t have much of a gun with him, if ya know what I mean! Boy, gang initiations in the MidWest are getting more and more lame!

Some freaky young couple wants to get married at a cemetery. They are former art students and are just a bit different, according to their former art teacher. NO! At least they have enough courtesy to have the ceremony at the gates and not on someone’s grave. Goth kids are so CUTE when they hit their early 20’s! Bridesmaids were asked to stock up on black lipstick and fishnets.

How much do I love dumb criminals? These guys stole a car from someone ON CAMERA! Yes, a shopping show was being filmed, and the guys came up to the host and asked him for his car keys. The screen was actually showing a computer shot of the bidding at the time, but the audio was enough for police to track down the bad guys. Or should I say stupid guys? Seriously, would you try to steal a car from a guy that is being filmed?

1 comment:

Collin said...

Did they check inside the man? "Don't make me break your leg off in you!"
I wonder if she got her cat back.
Do you think Rivera ever said, "I'm sorry lady, but it says here that you are dead. There's nothing I can do so please, stop calling me from beyond the grave."
Can they change their names to "Honkies", "White Devils", "Slave Owners" and "Klansmen"? Or is that too far in the other direction? I'm really not good at being PC.
Okay, this is probably just me, but when I read "a radical homosexual hate group" I thought that it was the group that were homosexuals. That IS radical. But then it clicked. I'm slow today. And yes, it is angering. So now I'm slow and angry. Watch out.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Moving is such a pain and Canada is at least several states away. And there's all the paperwork...
That is just odd. He must have thought she was out for the trip. Surprise!
If they really want to impress me they'll include a washroom attendant.
Man, just reading about that judge made me want to take a nap. My eyes are watering from suppressed yawns.
Perhaps he was a performance artist. and was confused by a "Sandwich Artist Wanted" sign in the window. He went in as 'Salami on white bread' saw that nobody got it and left. Or am I reading too much into it?
That's just begging for the irony of a death in the ceremony.
They must have really liked his car. I wonder if one guy was on lookout, watching the TV for their big chance. "Remember dudes, whisper!"

Have a great week Pat.

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!