Thursday, August 04, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 8/4/05

I gotta start with hockey!

The moves by the Avalanche this week were a bit disappointing. The deals Lacroix put together for Forsberg and Foote were $1.5, $3.0, $4.5, and $4.0/$3.5 over 4 years. That’s about all the room the Avs had! Also, how much money should we really put in to a guy who is injury prone and in his mid-thirties? Don’t get me wrong, Forsberg is my favorite hockey player ever! However, in Sweden last year he broke his hand, his collarbone, and got yet another concussion. That’s hardly something you bounce right back from. If he gets hit one more time, a concussion will end his career. Is it really worth the gamble?

Bringing in Pierre Turgeon and Patrice Brisebois at $1.5 each this year sounds like a steal to me. Both players were +17 last year. Sakic, Tanguay and Hejduk will score plenty, and we still have some grit players like Konowalchuk, Hinote and Laaksonen. I’m guessing Brett McLean won’t stay on this team because Marek Svatos is just too talented. I’m still thinking we’re a second line scorer short, but we’ll have to see. Lacroix said to trust him, and he hasn’t let us down yet. Is there still room for Selanne or Kariya? They’re still looking for a home! Seems like every team in our division is getting stronger, and we’re getting weaker. Should make for a REALLY interesting season!

Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2nd-string quarterback for the Denver Broncos, Stifler! Is it just me, or does Bradlee Van Pelt look, sound and act almost EXACTLY like Stifler from American Pie? Anyway, BVP is currently listed as number 2 on the Broncos’ depth chart for QB. Just to show you how much weight that carries, Ron Dayne is listed as the number 1 RB, and we all know that will never happen. After a great article about BVP last Sunday in the paper, where he admitted to being an immature moron last season, I’m glad he’s pulling it together and they’re giving him a shot with the first and second team offense. I’m looking forward to seeing him play more in the preseason.

Jamal Lewis’ return to training camp has been delayed because of his, you know, drug trafficking charges. Those darned criminal activities are always ruining his schedule!

Soon, all the elderly will be flocking to PA instead of FL. A 19-year-old girl in PA was arrested for supplying sexual favors to elderly men for $4 and $6 each. (Insert “cheap ho” joke here!)

A nurse’s aid has been arrested in OH for giving elderly people in a nursing home laxatives without them knowing. She was apparently mad at a nurse on an opposite shift and wanted that nurse to have to clean up after the ill and dehydrated. Now THAT is sick and wrong. What ever happened to the good old days when people framed each other?

Next time you get a speeding ticket, do what a man in MN did – pay your fine in pennies! Problem was he was ordered to wait until all 12,000 were counted. Smart-ass!

A prison in Norway has discontinued yoga lessons as it was making inmates more aggressive! Um, I think they’re doing it wrong. Buddhism makes me wanna KICK ASS!

If you are in Austria soon, be on the lookout for a man with a huge nose. Apparently, he robbed a gas station. That was the only description the clerk could give, that the guy had a huge nose – and a German accent. Sounds easy enough!

A man in FL made up a story about killing a hitchhiker and burying them in the forest in an effort to get his wife to leave him. I, for the record, have never killed a hitchhiker. Prostitutes, maybe, but never a hitchhiker. Which is perfectly OK with my wife!

In Seattle, a woman tried to open an airplane door as it descended for landing. The plane was still 4000 feet above ground. She was persuaded by attendants to sit back down, but turned the handle enough to set off a warning light in the cockpit. Other passengers stayed buckled in just in case. I guess she really hates those small bathrooms and just couldn’t hold it any longer!

I usually don’t mention things like this, because I like the silly stuff, but God bless the attendants on the flight that crashed in Toronto. It is absolutely unbelievable that there were only about 15 injuries out of the 310 people on board! And the footage of the plane engulfed in flames is downright scary! A round of applause, please!

Inmates in CO Springs complained about getting different forms of turkey for dinner 5 nights in a row. Uh, I think you lost your rights to decide what you get to eat when you KILLED THAT GUY! Time to go back to mystery swill!

I have a question: Since when did Bill Murray turn into THAT actor? You know, that expressionless, insipid, pathetic, no-personality, doof that everyone feels sorry for. I, personally, like funny Bill Murray vs. dull Bill Murray.

Entertainment Weekly has a picture of Tommy Lee with the word “mayhem” tattooed across his stomach. I want one! I think I’ll go for the word “meringue” instead. It just looks cooler in Algerian font, and dumb people won’t know how to pronounce it.

Have American Idols fallen or what? Why is Carrie Underwood singing candy jingles? Give ME a break! And I thought Thomas Dolby sold out by letting Kohl’s use “She Blinded Me With Science” for their latest ad campaign. Clay Aiken may still be in the closet (scheduled to be the least surprising coming out announcement EVER), but at least he has some dignity!

J Lo is opening a boutique in Chicago. Bring yer booty!

The Hugh Hefner reality TV show, “The Girls Next Door,” is totally not something I am interested in at all! Do you really think I want to see a bunch of hot 19-year-olds girls fighting over an old bastard that isn’t me?

This week’s sign of the apocalypse: Another new reality TV show, “Filthy Rich Cattle Drive.” Watch the children of famous people (like George Foreman, Pat Benatar, Mark Gastineau [how many freakin’ Gastineau kid reality shows are there???], and Lou Ferrigno) try to drive 100 cattle across the open range. WHY??? Just when you think this crap will end as the ratings keep falling and people PROVE that they’d rather watch reruns of scripted shows during the summer, another unbelievably stupid reality TV show comes to life! And to think, Wonder Falls was cancelled! Remember when E! had DECENT programming? Yeah, neither do I!

My latest guilty pleasure has to be reruns of Conan O’Brien on CNBC after I get home from work. I’m way too old to stay up to watch the first airing of the show, and he’s ALWAYS fantastically funny! This is the best idea since Jay Leno not getting nominated for an Emmy!


ica said...

Are all of these based on something real? YOu should include links...I'd love to read some of these articles.

Pat Angello said...

I've been thinking about that. It could happen!

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!