My wife needs this! Bjork’s famous swan dress is up for auction! If I could only out-bid Golden Palace, my wife could wear it to church on Sundays! Then we could go home and she could dance around the apartment making squawking noises. And, as I start to make eggs for breakfast, she can throw a fit and start yelling, “My babies! What are you doing to my babies???” Our neighbors would LOVE us!
Why, God, WHY? Ashlee Simpson is going to perform on Oprah. Not only that, but there are rumors that her father/agent is trying to get her BACK on SNL where she was caught lip-synching. If Lorne Michaels lets her back on that show, I will lose all respect I have for him. Nobody cares about her anymore? Here’s my prediction for her new CD due in October – it will fall flat on its face! And there are SO many great artists out there that would KILL to be on SNL! Do I need to go to NY and have a come-to-Jesus with Michaels?
Hey, Monday, 8/29 is Michael Jackson’s birthday! Let’s celebrate! Let me see: We could either slip alcohol to a 7-year-old boy, or we could go to the Bug Theatre for FREAK TRAIN! I’ll be at the Bug performing along with 11 other freaks (maybe even my brother)! It’s also the 5th anniversary show with a highlight reel from all of last year’s best/oddest acts, including Pat Angello’s puppet show from last month. Why wouldn’t you go? $5 gets you in and the beer is free! Doors open at 7, and the show starts at 8 – hope to see you there!
John McEnroe is doing a new TV ad for PETA. It actually seems kinda funny as McEnroe will be making fun of his famous tirades by explaining how neutering a dog or cat helps control the animal’s temper and how shelters have to destroy so many unwanted pets. Maybe we should let more crazy old ladies keep their 180 dogs and cats? Nah!
I have an odd feeling, speaking of PETA. The Seminole Tribe went to bat for the Florida State Seminoles so they can keep their mascot and name, no matter what the NCAA says. However, this got me to thinking, it’s just a matter of time before PETA starts whining about animal mascots and nicknames for college teams. Pretty soon you’ll be seeing the University of Colorado Homo Sapiens vs. the Colorado State Humans.
For the love of God! Redneck Woman Gretchen Wilson is getting flack about performing her song “Skoal Ring” in concert. TN state officials are claiming that when she performs the song, she pulls a can of Skoal out of her back pocket, and this is a violation of a 1998 settlement between states and tobacco companies forbidding ads targeting younger audience. Uh, she’s not targeting ANYONE specifically! Like nobody has ever smoked a cigarette or had alcohol on stage before? Cripes, Michael Anthony has a bass guitar shaped like a bottle of Jack!
An Alaska man and his dog fender off a grizzly bear! Gary Paterna and his Brittany spaniel, Tok, went for a hike and were surprised by a bear jumping out from behind some bushes. The bear knocked Gary down, but Tok distracted the bear before it could do anything else. When Gary got up, the bear knocked him down again, and again Tok interfered. The bear eventually ran off into the forest. FYI, our yellow lab has been pinned by a Yorkie. Twice!
NJ police invaded the wrong house this week. Right house number, wrong street. I think something like this happened in Denver a few years ago. Anyway, it reminded me of one of my wife’s favorite old jokes: What is 667? The neighbor of the Beast!
A young man walked into Wal-Mart in an orange jumpsuit and cuffs asking for a hacksaw. He wasn’t really an escaped inmate, but the police did let him stay in the cuffs!
Nice shot! A man paralyzed from the waist down hit a hole-in-one – his second ever since he was hit by a drunken driver. I think he’s cheating just like Lance! Now I really feel like I suck at golf.
Hello skinny! A thin firefighter in NJ used his svelte frame to save a kid. A boy fell into a narrow hole and firefighters lowered 6’ 1” 160-pound Jim Pfeiffer down the narrow crevice to pull the boy up to safety. He’s so skinny he’s phat!
How long does it take to mail a postcard to Canada? A man in Vancouver received a postcard in the mail that was postmarked in 1955. Obviously it was not addressed to him, but the thing literally got lost in the US Postal System for 30 years! Was Kevin Costner behind this?
Monkey see, monkey do! A chimp in China has been smoking for 15 years now. She started by picking up butts left by zoo visitors. Now that her companion has passed, and she is smoking even more. Zoo officials are starting to get a little concerned. After 15 years of smoking, NOW they are concerned! So they are trying to give her milk. Ya know, if you try to wean a human off of cigarettes with milk, they would probably throw their own feces at you.
Mmm – stinky flowers! A tongue orchid in Australia is flowering and it stinks to high heaven! Melbourne’s Royal Botanic Gardens’ director said, “If you mixed, say, two- or three-day-old rotting flesh with manure you would get pretty close.” Now I want to go to Australia!
Sleepy? The Mall of America in MN has a new store called MinneNAPolis that sells naps. Seriously. I thought this was why God created Norah Jones!
The London zoo has a new exhibit! This one has humans on display, just hanging out in a rocky area. I think the three best places to observe people would have to be:
3) Mass transit systems
But is it art? There is controversy in Zurich over a sculpture that features an actual pickled dead human fetus head attached to a seagull’s body. What’s the controversy? Nobody wants to see that!