Sunday, August 28, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 8/28/05

My wife needs this! Bjork’s famous swan dress is up for auction! If I could only out-bid Golden Palace, my wife could wear it to church on Sundays! Then we could go home and she could dance around the apartment making squawking noises. And, as I start to make eggs for breakfast, she can throw a fit and start yelling, “My babies! What are you doing to my babies???” Our neighbors would LOVE us!

Why, God, WHY? Ashlee Simpson is going to perform on Oprah. Not only that, but there are rumors that her father/agent is trying to get her BACK on SNL where she was caught lip-synching. If Lorne Michaels lets her back on that show, I will lose all respect I have for him. Nobody cares about her anymore? Here’s my prediction for her new CD due in October – it will fall flat on its face! And there are SO many great artists out there that would KILL to be on SNL! Do I need to go to NY and have a come-to-Jesus with Michaels?

Hey, Monday, 8/29 is Michael Jackson’s birthday! Let’s celebrate! Let me see: We could either slip alcohol to a 7-year-old boy, or we could go to the Bug Theatre for FREAK TRAIN! I’ll be at the Bug performing along with 11 other freaks (maybe even my brother)! It’s also the 5th anniversary show with a highlight reel from all of last year’s best/oddest acts, including Pat Angello’s puppet show from last month. Why wouldn’t you go? $5 gets you in and the beer is free! Doors open at 7, and the show starts at 8 – hope to see you there!

John McEnroe is doing a new TV ad for PETA. It actually seems kinda funny as McEnroe will be making fun of his famous tirades by explaining how neutering a dog or cat helps control the animal’s temper and how shelters have to destroy so many unwanted pets. Maybe we should let more crazy old ladies keep their 180 dogs and cats? Nah!

I have an odd feeling, speaking of PETA. The Seminole Tribe went to bat for the Florida State Seminoles so they can keep their mascot and name, no matter what the NCAA says. However, this got me to thinking, it’s just a matter of time before PETA starts whining about animal mascots and nicknames for college teams. Pretty soon you’ll be seeing the University of Colorado Homo Sapiens vs. the Colorado State Humans.

For the love of God! Redneck Woman Gretchen Wilson is getting flack about performing her song “Skoal Ring” in concert. TN state officials are claiming that when she performs the song, she pulls a can of Skoal out of her back pocket, and this is a violation of a 1998 settlement between states and tobacco companies forbidding ads targeting younger audience. Uh, she’s not targeting ANYONE specifically! Like nobody has ever smoked a cigarette or had alcohol on stage before? Cripes, Michael Anthony has a bass guitar shaped like a bottle of Jack!

An Alaska man and his dog fender off a grizzly bear! Gary Paterna and his Brittany spaniel, Tok, went for a hike and were surprised by a bear jumping out from behind some bushes. The bear knocked Gary down, but Tok distracted the bear before it could do anything else. When Gary got up, the bear knocked him down again, and again Tok interfered. The bear eventually ran off into the forest. FYI, our yellow lab has been pinned by a Yorkie. Twice!

NJ police invaded the wrong house this week. Right house number, wrong street. I think something like this happened in Denver a few years ago. Anyway, it reminded me of one of my wife’s favorite old jokes: What is 667? The neighbor of the Beast!

A young man walked into Wal-Mart in an orange jumpsuit and cuffs asking for a hacksaw. He wasn’t really an escaped inmate, but the police did let him stay in the cuffs!

Nice shot! A man paralyzed from the waist down hit a hole-in-one – his second ever since he was hit by a drunken driver. I think he’s cheating just like Lance! Now I really feel like I suck at golf.

Hello skinny! A thin firefighter in NJ used his svelte frame to save a kid. A boy fell into a narrow hole and firefighters lowered 6’ 1” 160-pound Jim Pfeiffer down the narrow crevice to pull the boy up to safety. He’s so skinny he’s phat!

How long does it take to mail a postcard to Canada? A man in Vancouver received a postcard in the mail that was postmarked in 1955. Obviously it was not addressed to him, but the thing literally got lost in the US Postal System for 30 years! Was Kevin Costner behind this?

Monkey see, monkey do! A chimp in China has been smoking for 15 years now. She started by picking up butts left by zoo visitors. Now that her companion has passed, and she is smoking even more. Zoo officials are starting to get a little concerned. After 15 years of smoking, NOW they are concerned! So they are trying to give her milk. Ya know, if you try to wean a human off of cigarettes with milk, they would probably throw their own feces at you.

Mmm – stinky flowers! A tongue orchid in Australia is flowering and it stinks to high heaven! Melbourne’s Royal Botanic Gardens’ director said, “If you mixed, say, two- or three-day-old rotting flesh with manure you would get pretty close.” Now I want to go to Australia!

Sleepy? The Mall of America in MN has a new store called MinneNAPolis that sells naps. Seriously. I thought this was why God created Norah Jones!

The London zoo has a new exhibit! This one has humans on display, just hanging out in a rocky area. I think the three best places to observe people would have to be:

1) Concerts

2) Airports

3) Mass transit systems

But is it art? There is controversy in Zurich over a sculpture that features an actual pickled dead human fetus head attached to a seagull’s body. What’s the controversy? Nobody wants to see that!


Spinning Girl said...

Still waiting for the fun to start at Human Zoo!

Bill Purdy said...

Uh... nice spam, spinning girl, sort of. thanks!

Anyway, please hop on over to the Bitter Buffalo, as I am *finally*, due to popular demand and immense pressure, going to publish my Century Sauce recipe for habanero hot sauce. And boy, oh boy, is this stuff hot. It's also mighty tasty.

But I have been reluctant to share the recipe for quite some time because I think it's the best hot hot hot hot hot sauce recipe I have ever made -- and because I created it myself, through trial and error.

The Bitter Buffalo Century Sauce recipe calls for 100 habanero peppers -- no more, no less (that's why I call it the Bitter Buffalo Century Sauce, duh) -- and a bunch of other tasty ingredients. It's hot hot hot, no doubt, but it's also got a ton of wonderful roasted habanero flavor. You can dare your friends to eat spoonfuls of it (and watch them squirm and sweat and beg for water), or you can add it to your marinade for chicken breasts, pork loin -- even steaks. It'll make everything you eat that much better.

I'll be posting the recipe -- with pictures -- by midweek. Please stop by and try it yourself.

Thank you for reading Pat Angello's awesome and wonderful blog, and thank you for trying the Bitter Buffalo Century Sauce recipe.

Love, bp

Pat Angello said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Pat Angello said...

Thanks for stopping by, Spinning Girl! Not sure why you WANTED that gig. Everyone check out her blog - she's one of the people on display in the zoo!

BP, save me some sauce yo!

Collin said...

I'm thinking you could make a dress like that out of paper mache and pillow stuffing.
But Pat, she lips synchs MUCH better now!
I wanna go! I do! Dammit! Arrrgh.
Is John going to be neutered? Sweet. Gotta Tivo that.
Yeah. That sounds like something that PETA might do.
I think it is a necessary part of the human state of mind to have something to bitch about. Some bitch more than others.
I did not know that bears jumped. I knew they could gallop, but jump? That's news to me.
How come the police never conduct a panty raid?
I'm surprised they noticed at WalMart.
If it takes getting hit by a drunk driver to improve my golf game, I'll pass. Thanks.
Not if it's crack milk.
70¢ a minute to nap?! Crap. No thanks. I'll nap on the ferris wheel.
4) 16th street mall. Still, I like it when reality takes on the appearance of a Far Side cartoon.
And, as I said at Ingrown Brain Stem, "It'll never fly."

Have fun tonight! Knock 'em dead, riffle their wallets and run off to Canada before the cops catch up.

Sus said...

It's refreshing to know that I'm not the only news/pop culture junkie out there!!

That's really cool that the proceeds from the auction are going to Oxfam, which is one of my favorite orgs. I wouldn't mind having it although I'm not so sure I'd pay whatever the final bid will be!

Pat Angello said...

Sus - I also see Stella McCartney's thigh-high fake leather boots are up for grabs. I hope she didn't leave her step-mom's fake leg in there!

ica said...

Ha ha the orange jumpsuit thing was a prank? That's pretty funny. Well, sucks that he got arrested for real, but funny idea.

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!