Avoid this horrible thing! (I don't mean avoid ME!) Apparently the British think Monday is the best day to commit suicide. So avoid the Monday Blues by going to Freak Train this coming Monday, 8/29/05! Watch 12 freaky acts, including Pat Angello, and chase your dark thoughts away! Just go to the Bug Theatre on 37th and Navajo – the doors open at 7, show starts at 8, and $5 gets you all the beer you can drink. Also, it’s the 5-year anniversary show featuring a highlight reel of all the goofy acts from the last year, possibly including Pat Angello’s last performance! You must go at least ONCE!
What the hack? An older man (by older, I mean older than me, or 79, take your pick) in CA suspected his younger wife of having an affair, so he tried to hack off her hand. He almost succeeded, too! His daughter tried to interfere, and she got cut as well. He cut his wife on the head and face, cut off her right index finger, and nearly severed her entire hand. Nothing like a cleaver to the head, face and hand to teach someone a lesson! I guess therapists are getting way too expensive in CA!
Speaking of short-tempered old people, a 76-year-old man in Germany attacked a 29-year-old woman for taking his lawn chair. The man left the poolside and then returned to find a woman in his chair and his towel on the chair next to it. She simply moved the towel so she could sit next to her mother. That’s when the elderly attack! After his abusive language did nothing, he flipped her chair over while she was still on it! Thank goodness he didn’t have a cleaver near by!
A dog saved a woman’s life – just like Lassie! However, this dog is named Danny (who the hell names a dog Danny?) and he went kinda crazy after his foster, um, mom Marlene Huffner fainted. A neighbor heard the dog barking and running around so she called an ambulance. The dog is actually just a foster dog staying with Marlene. Therefore, Marlene cannot be blamed for naming the dog Danny.
Turkmenistan President Saparmurat Niyazov can kiss my Ashgabat! He’s banned opera and ballet and has condemned long hair and gold teeth (OK, no argument on the gold teeth thing), but his next step is just plain evil. He wants to outlaw lip-synching! Is nothing sacred? How will the untalented dolts of Turkmenistan take advantage of stupid people? And what if I wanted to perform at their local Freak Train show? This is an outrage! Someone get Ashlee Simpson on the phone right now!
A man has just made the record books for having the longest eyebrows ever. Hmm - body hair records are a little freaky. However, this is yet another reason why you should come to see me at Freak Train!
A man was arrested at the border in Malaysia for trying to smuggle porn he stored in his undies. Like the Internet doesn’t exist in Singapore? Please!
FINALLY! A judge in Boston set bail at $250K for a 12-year-old accused of shooting a gun in the city. Sure, you may think that’s a little excessive, as did I at first, but the judge’s words hit me: “These kids don't take responsibility for anything,” the judge said. “They’re fearless. It’s out of control. It’s beyond out of control.” It’s about time! There are WAY too many people out there looking for someone else to blame and that never want to take responsibility for their actions. Prosecutors recommended only $5000 bail, but the judge took matters into his own hands and, hopefully, scared the living crap out of this kid. YAY!
The latest “dumbest lawsuit ever!” An overweight woman in NH is suing her doctor for telling her she was, um, overweight! Yep, the doc told her about the health risks that come with being obese and that she needed to do something about it. She got offended and is suing. Since when did “I want a second opinion” turn into “I’ll sue?” One other patient had this to say, “I have been in this lady’s shoes. I’ve been angry and left his practice. I mean, in-my-car-taking-off angry. But once you think about it, you’re angry with yourself, not Doctor Bennett. He’s the messenger. He’s telling you what you already know.” Yet another reason for malpractice insurance to go up!
The most boring soccer game EVER took place when a Belgian women’s soccer team lost their game 50-1. Their goalie decided to go to a concert instead of play in the game, so the other team had an empty net. OK, why did they not dress someone else as a goalie? ANYONE could have stopped a few shots! The first goal was scored 4 seconds in, and then it was just sad. How can you even celebrate scoring goals when there is no goalie?
An 80-year-old woman in Brazil is capturing drug dealers on video and having them arrested. I think the wife and I are about to do this in our neighborhood with the people who refuse to pick up after their dog! Again, the poop bags are provided and are about 4 feet from your dog’s pile – pick it up! Maybe we should move to Hungary?
Speaking of my wife and the fuzz, KT has become a regular deputy since we moved into Greenwood Village! This is a nice area near Denver, but we’ve had a few small issues. Some punk was throwing firecrackers out of his car window in July and KT called 911. We saw a police car within 5 minutes. Then, Wednesday night, a woman pulled her car over in front of our apartment building. Her boyfriend got out and was screaming at her, threatening her life, and trying to force her back into the car. Deputy KT was back on the phone and we had a cop there in about 3 minutes. I kinda like living in a place where police respond quickly! Keep it up Sergeant Schmitt!
Only in Amsterdam! A new reality show about sperm donating. This is a bastardized version of Maury, isn’t it?
What did they expect? An ad in Taiwan that featured a nun holding a condom sent the Roman Catholic Church into a tizzy! The ad has since been pulled (no pun intended - OK, maybe), but there are some things you just simply don’t do! That’s like Michael Jackson opening a day care!
A friend sent me an email a while back stating that Mars will be very close to the Earth this weekend, but from what I’m reading, it looks like 10/29/05-10/31/05 will be a better time to check it out. Anyway, if you’re walking around Friday or Saturday night this weekend, you might as well look up and see what you can see, yo!
Like she needs more attention! Victoria Gotti stated she has breast cancer, and then admitted she was lying, and is now trying to save face by saying she has pre-cancerous cells. The stinkin’ rich Gotti’s are all over the tube already, like they need the money. Many believe her announcement about having cancer was a ploy to boost ratings for the show “Growing Up Gotti.” “I have an idea – let’s pretend I’ve got breast cancer and people would watch because they think I might be dying!” Yeah, I might want to see that after all!
What happens when a 16-year-old girl has everything going for her? She takes off apparently! Scout Taylor-Compton, a young actress from the movie “Sleepover” and a few TV appearances, has reportedly run away from home. Is there really that much pressure on Hollywood kids? I just hope she didn’t turn into this:
Natasha Lyonne, star of films like “American Pie,” “But I’m a Cheerleader,” and “Slums of Beverly Hills,” is fighting for her life in a NY hospital. She has hepatitis C, a heart infection and a collapsed lung. It is rumored that she is a heroin addict as she is undergoing methadone treatment. I love her, and her films, and I really hope some miracle happens here!
Say no to drugs like all the urinal cake covers tell you! You could end up like this guy! Meth boy here tried to pitch his drugs when the cops chased him down, but he mistakenly tossed a bag of trash and still had the meth on him. Yeah, I hear it impairs your ability to reason. Just ask THIS guy, a custodian who was making meth in a church. The pastor said he was saddened, but “if you read the scriptures, there are worse things than this.” Of course, he was just doing a little cooking.
And don’t be a deadbeat dad either! Olivia Newton-John’s boyfriend is missing. He went on a little fishing trip in late June and never returned. He is also WAY behind on child support, so the question is: Is he hiding, or did something bad happen to him? Either way, karma is a bizzle!
Will this ever end? I really wish the French would finally just let Lance Armstrong enjoy his amazing life and stop trying to prove that he cheated in some way! The guy came back from cancer to win the most illustrious bicycle race in the world seven freakin’ times in a row. I don’t even CARE if he was on anything illegal, because that’s still an incredible feat. Stinkin’ frogs! Maybe if they quit smoking they would win for a change!
A couple inmates got bacterial infections after using a staple to tattoo each other. These guys should be locked up-oh! Why not just use a dirty fork?
What’s the capital of Thailand? The prime minister of Thailand is trying to boot a government minister who allegedly had a little male enhancement. He believes this issue is giving the Cabinet a bad reputation, but he doesn’t know which, uh, member is responsible. I guess this stemmed (sorry) from a woman who had a facial injection of silicon go awry and she’s now suing the clinic. She then stated that a member of Cabinet was at the same clinic for a little injection of his own. Thus, she has produced the quote of the month: “The problem of my face is bigger than the problem of your penis.” I got nuthin’ else to add.
And now for your final exam – LANDING! Two flight instructors were practicing landing a plane when they forgot to lower the landing gear. The plane skidded harmlessly to a halt and nobody was hurt, other than the enrollment to take flying lessons from the two guys who forgot to lower their landing gear.
Just put him in jail already! A 19-year-old punk in MA was serving community service by working at a cemetery when he thought it would be funny to desecrate a Civil War Vet’s tomb. He opened the tomb, pulled out the bones, and posed for pictures with the bones of a war hero. Actually, let’s not put him in jail. Why don’t we just send him to Iraq and hand him right over!
Once a punk, always a punk! Former Nebraska running back, Lawrence Phillips, is back on the wrong side of the law. Dude can’t get it together! He’s considered one of the biggest busts in NFL history (see Ryan Leaf), and he’s done nothing but jump around from team to league with trouble following him everywhere! St. Louis Rams = domestic violence charge for beating up his girlfriend. Miami Dolphins = hit a woman in a nightclub. He’s also played in Barcelona, San Francisco and Canada. He’s in LA now where he was wanted for choking his girlfriend unconscious. LP kept out of sight for a day or two before he tried to run a car over a few teenagers after a pickup football game ended with heated words. Oh, and the car he was driving had been reported stolen. No worries, he’s being held without bail and will no longer be a menace. Just out of curiosity, how many chances did the kid want?