Tuesday, August 02, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 8/2/05

I swear! I have never used alcohol!

What? It’s not really lemonade?

OK, I swear! I have never knowingly used alcohol!

What a jackass!

For the record, a 10-day (not game) suspension is WEAK! These guys are such babies! In soccer, if you miss (not fail, miss) a drug test, you are suspended for 8 MONTHS! Yet another reason for me to hate baseball!

Now Barry Bonds is AGAIN claiming he won’t play this year. How long does it take for steroids to stop showing up in a urine test? Dang!

So the NHL free-agent frenzy begins. As I write this, it may become dated. The Avs losing Adam Foote to the Columbus Blue Jackets was a little surprising, but not really. He’s one of the last original Av/Nordique members and he poked a hole in my theory. Maybe it is about the money? The Avs offered him a 4/$12 million contract that he turned down for a 3/$13.5 million contract. Maybe he was upset that Rob Blake was the poster boy for the defense at the press conference last week. Actually, Blake is an alternate captain that was still under contract, so it shouldn’t be hard feelings over that. Does Footer think the Avs are past their prime and the BJs (sorry, couldn’t resist) are an up-and-comer (so to speak)? They do have the Rocket Richard trophy winner in Nash, but Hejduk won it a few years before. Foote essentially got a raise after the rollback, so I guess it could be about the dough. D’oh!

Also, Derian Hatcher headed east to the Flyers. Not going to miss having to deal with that guy in the west! However, fortunately, Stevie Y signed for one more year in Detroit! Excellent! He is THE classic Red Wing and I’m so glad his career didn’t end with a lockout!

Joe Nieuwendyk and Gary Roberts signed with the Florida Panthers, cuz they like to play together. Speaking of which, who will be able to sign the Peter Forsberg/Markus Naslund tandem? I think the Penguins have room, and would be scary as hell with them on the 2nd line! But I would (of course) L O V E to see them with a mountainous ‘A’ on the front of their chests! If the Avs can’t sign Forsberg, they may want to discount tickets a little more.

But wait, there’s more: Adrian Aucoin signed with the Blackhawks. Good, because they need all the help they can get! Atlanta nabbed Bobby Holik today as well. Here’s some quick entertainment for you: go to www.NHL.com, click on any story that involves a foreign player signing with a recent expansion team, and laugh at the phonetic spelling of the players name on the teams website! Even the Fliers are teaching you how to pronounce Rathje!

A man in Taiwan finally found his dentures! He lost them 3 years ago in a fall. Recently, he’s been experiencing shortness of breath and a high fever. Doctors removed his dentures from his bronchial tubes! The dude had his dentures stuck in his bronchial tubes for three solid years! NASTY! You know, my dad is a retired OB/GYN and has a few stories similar to this, but I’ll spare you for now. I’ll pull those gems out (so to speak AGAIN!) for the Aristocrats!

Russians are eating kangaroo meat like Californians consume tofu! In fact, they could consume 100 containers each month, but Australians can only produce about 25. Nothing like a little ‘roo sausage to get the heart moving!

Mmm – jumpy nummies!

A sea lion attacked a boy who was riding a boogie board. And you thought they were all cute and cuddly! Where’s a club when you need one?

A man in CA pleaded guilty to a stabbing death this week. Then, in the same courtroom, he got married! What a catch! Someone needs to slap that bride. No, we can get the club after we’re done with that damn sea lion!

People (OK, the Air America Network) keep complaining that our leader is weak and that all of his good press is based on spin. Well, maybe we need Kim Jong-il! Here are some things the North Korean press is saying about their leader:

  • He does intense memory training every day and can remember anyone’s phone number.
  • He can remember computer codes.
  • When he visited a cemetery, he looked around at the tombs and remembered the achievements, characteristics, and family members for hundreds of the dead by a quick glance at the names on tombstones.
  • He can pilot a fighter jet.
  • He pens operas.
  • He produces movies.
  • He shot 11 holes-in-one the first time he ever played golf.

Wow, does Bush seem like a wuss now or what?

Nate Fisher is dead. Holy cow! Right when you forgot about his brain tumor, ‘Six Feet Under’ goes and puts him, well, you know. That, my friends, is a brilliant show!

A nudist that passed away recently will be buried in clothes. Sure he used to garden naked, and the neighbors called him “Naked Bob,” but his brother is burying him in his OTHER favorite suit. Problem is, it’s been so long since he wore clothes, and this suit is plaid.

Oh, and now that I get to hear Jennifer Aniston’s side of the story, I am complete. God bless you, Vanity Fair!

Because it’s the thing to do, here are 3 searches that lead people to my blog:

1) Moxie Crime Fighter!

2) Denny Lawsuit Burned Ass!

3) Oprah Driving in Left Lane!


Bill Purdy said...

Solid post! Best ever!

And the picture had me giggling from the start! Huzzah!

Collin said...

I gave up on actually enjoying baseball somewhere around Little League.
I don't want Forsberg to go.
Now he's looking for his cane.
But can you sculpt a kangaroo into a turkey? I think not.
"jumpie nummies" makes me think of tatas.
Luckily he was saved by Aquatarzan.
At least Bush can rest assured that he is taller, and will remain so until Kim Jong-il has his brain transfered into the giant killer robot.
Never seen Six Feet Under. Oh, and HBO charges WAY TOO DAMNED MUCH for it's DVDs.
Dead men don't wear plaid.
What story?
I'm trying to remember how I found your site. I can't. Perhaps the "next blog" button? I just don't know.

Derek Knight said...

why does Palmiero look so much like Ulysses Everett McGill from O Brother, Where art Thou? I bet he's a dapper dan man (cream, not clear).

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!