Thursday, August 11, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 8/11/05

But I still love her! Courtney Love has failed yet another drug test. She’s claiming to be clean and sober for a year now, and she HAS fallen out of the celebrity train wreck spotlight for quite some time. Who knows? CL is still one of my favorite musicians however. Ya gotta feel for Frances Bean, the kid! 1) Her name is Frances Bean. 2) Her daddy blew his head off (probably because he realized they named the kid Frances Bean). 3) Her mother is a complete mess. If there is any celebrity kid that needs a reality TV show, here she is!

For the record, the kids on Filthy Rich Cattle Drive all need to be slapped SUPER hard!

This guy should have moved to Canada! An Air Force Lt. Col. defaced cars bearing pro-Bush bumper stickers at Denver International Airport. See? He’d rather stay here and do stupid crap like this than leave the country! This brings me to a point I made a LONG time ago: The election is over, remove the sticker (no matter which one), let it go, and replace it with a PAFC sticker!

Warning, this may be insensitive, but I still don’t see it! A radio show host was fired – FIRED – for saying that the San Francisco Giants have too many “brain-dead Caribbean hitters hacking at slop nightly.” Giants’ manager, Felipe Alou, screamed “racial slur” and the host got fired this week. Let’s rephrase this. How about a local sports talk show host says that the Avalanche have too many “brain-dead European wingers that skate like they are in mud.” Would he get fired? Is naming the origin of people’s descent now a racial slur? I don’t see it, and I’m not buying it.

That’s one helluva hike! A man from Utah said he was going for a hike and then he disappeared. All the way to Australia! Authorities may charge him for a search and rescue effort as friends reported him missing. Maybe he was just bored? Who needs a babysitter anyway!

A man in Reno has admitted to lying about being in the original Wonka movie. Ezzy Dame claims he was an oompah-loompah, but he was never in the film. He never made any money from it, he just liked to tell people that, and who got hurt? Wouldn’t it kinda make your day if you ended up meeting an oompah-loompah? You know, I was Ralph Macchio’s stand-in for the Karate Kid. Who wants to touch me? I said, who wants to %$#@ touch me?!

Just like in the movies! A man in CA got ticked off at a car alarm so he shot the vehicle 3 times. Temper, temper! The car belonged to a sailor who wondered what the guy would do if kids were making too much noise. Hopefully, we’ll never find out!

No wonder he had a heart condition! A British man awoke from triple-bypass surgery to find his 3 wives waiting to say hello. Apparently, the bigamists’ wives got to be good friends while he was under, though they had never met before. Sneaky bastard was married to three women at the same time. OK, HOW? Not that I want to do that, I just want to know how the heck did he juggle the three? My wife and I pretty much know where we are all the time, I can’t even imagine!

Those poor Guantanamo Bay detainees! They ARE being tortured, we’re making them (gasp!) READ! What? No TV? I guess Harry Potter will have to suffice!

The most boring catfight EVER! An elderly couple from Tokyo is claiming that they, not the couple from Philly, are the oldest married couple in the world. Will Guinness ever be the same? I demand to know who the REAL oldest couple in the world is! I won’t sleep until justice is served and the tiara is on the correct blue hair!

You know, they whine in Britain too! A brother/sister pop act refused to play their hit single on a TV show when the host introduced them with, "What do you get when you put two brothers and sisters in a band? A big fat melting pot of talent." They thought it was hurtful. Get over yourself! These people will NEVER make it in the music biz!

A 75-year-old man in Berlin ran over his wife – TWICE! He was so shocked when he backed over her, that he went forward and got her again! It’s only funny because she survived. Accidental, eh?

Crosswalk? The number of pedestrian deaths in Sao Paulo Brazil is actually HIGHER than the number of driver and passenger deaths! Does this count bikers?

Thanks, I’ll be here all week! A man in NY is putting on a one-man Star Wars trilogy that lasts about an hour. That’s a GREAT idea! Now what am I gonna do for Freak Train this month?

OK, I just want Terrell Owens to go away now. Coach Reid finally threw the idiot out of camp and sent him home. I can’t hear him cry that his 7-year/$49 MM contract won’t support his family! BTW, his family consists of 3 half-brothers and sisters, NO parents, and an illegitimate child he rarely sees. I can see how that cheap salary can barely put food on his table! See, I thought he needed more money so he could make a bigger and more powerful donation to cancer research or the Tsunami victims. No? His jackass agent was on Letterman last night, and he came off as a complete bunghole! (Wow, spell check accepted “bunghole”!) Why even book the guy? Anyway, TO needs to just shut up and play. Mainly, just shut up!


purdygirl said...

Funniest post... ever! Huzzah!

(nice pic of CL, too)

Collin said...

bung·hole n.

1. The hole in a cask, keg, or barrel through which liquid is poured in or drained out.

2. Vulgar Slang. The anus.

And yes, T.O. is greeeeedy.

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!