Sunday, July 31, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 7/31/05

When hippies collide!

What some people would do for their 10-year-old crappy car! A man in CA told police his 4-year-old niece was in the back seat of his 1995 Camry when it was stolen this week. He hoped it would trigger an Amber Alert so the car would be found quickly. He was lying as his niece was not in the vehicle when it was taken. If I was going to steal a car, I wouldn’t be wasting my time on a 10-year-old Camry. I’m not sure if the guy that stole the car is dumber than the guy reporting his niece was in it so the cops would find it quicker!

How romantic! 112 couples were married in a mass ceremony in Syria. Something tells me that my mother-in-law wouldn’t let us do that, unless she got to plan the whole thing for everyone!

Danish police thought they were saving the day when they ran off to break up a street fight. However, they neglected to see the lights and cameras that were filming the street fight scene for a movie. Nothing like paying attention to detail. I’d love to hear these guys give an eyewitness testimony!

A little league umpire in MA barred a team from speaking Spanish while playing, thus costing them the game. The team is made up of mostly Hispanic children that don’t speak English very well, but the ump thought they were planning illegal activities. How? What could they possibly do illegally in little league baseball? Were they discussing ways to beat steroid tests, or how to mock their birth certificates?

In IA, a 46-year-old man was arrested for stealing panties, bras and socks from a laundry room in his apartment complex. And you thought the dryer ate them, when actually it’s just some perverted guy in IA! Maybe he’s the dryer fairy!

An art museum in Austria is letting naked people in for free. After going to some art exhibits around town here, I’m not sure I want to see that really!

Do you know what really burns the butt of Kathleen Williams from KS? Apparently that would be the toilet seat at a local Denny’s! Ms. Williams claims cleaning fluid left on the toilet seat burned her tush! Actually, it was pure heroin spilled by a biker gang on the way to “Take Your Biker Babe to a Game” night for the Royals.

The KS state lottery is running ads referencing two towns as boring. How could ANYPLACE in KS be boring? Really! No wonder they are offended! I mean, they’ve got a Dairy Queen for the love of George Brett!

Ooo – largest ball of twine in the world!

A worker in the returns department for Country Home Products was a little shocked when he opened a box that a bush trimmer was returned in as it had 5 kittens inside. “I thought Axl Rose was in concert for a second, but it ended up being a box of cats!”

This is my kind of woman! Robbin Doolin of Kansas City opened her car door to spit (nice!) and fell out on the highway. She ended up chasing after her speeding car as it ran down a hill. Nothing turns me on like a spitting woman! If I wasn’t already spoke fer…

Jesus Christ – look at that tree! People are flocking (like the sheep they are) to Bosnia to see an image of Jesus on a freshly cut tree branch. This dude is getting around! I stepped in gum the other day. When I got home, I pulled my shoes off and looked at the sole (or should I say “soul”?) and the dirt around the gum on my shoe looked JUST like Kenny Loggins. I was ready to put it on eBay for a minute there!

It has recently been reported that Michael Jackson sought medical help after his trial this year. Now, if we can just get him to go for the psychiatric help!

Who is Michael Moore’s next victim? HMOs! Apparently the HMOs are instructing their employees to not say anything to Moore when approached by him. Why should they? They are in a no-win situation! No matter what they say, he will turn it into something negative. He’s already proud that he’s got them “discombobulated” before even shooting any footage. Too bad nobody is doing a REAL documentary on HMOs so we can actually learn something.

OK, here comes another hockey rant:

I watched some highlights on Altitude from the last 9 Avalanche seasons and I’m ready. Drop the damn puck! This is the best sport ever! There have been so many amazing highlights in this town, and just about anywhere hockey is played, that I simply can’t wait. Watching Joe Sakic hand the Stanley Cup to Ray Bourque so he could raise it above his head first – that just doesn’t happen in any other sport! There is more respect for other players in this sport than any other. They are the best athletes in the world, and they work harder than anyone to get where they are. Not for the money, but for the love of the game. Any other sport is about the money. Jeremy Roenick might be a jerk sometimes, but when he says it’s not about the money, I believe him.

Speaking of money, this week should be incredible with multiple free-agent signings around the league. There are a few teams with a ton of money to spend, and then there are the Avs. Assuming that all 14 restricted free-agents take the offers on the table from last week, the Avs would be left with about $5.9 (remember, million is always implied in sports salary cap issues – and the goal for PAFC members, so start recruiting!) to sign their unrestricted free-agents, Peter Forsberg and Adam Foote. Good luck! I think they may have freed up about $1.9 more when they bought out Chris Gratton, but I’m not sure if that’s included.

Either way, it’s almost hockey time!


Bill Purdy said...

That's Tommy Chong! And he looks like he just bought some records, too! Yesss!

Collin said...

Off topic, but since it was a comment that was kinda left for us, yes I'm smart enough to go to Old Grandma Hardcore site.

Now, on to read your post.

Pat Angello said...


you get around, dontcha!

Collin said...

You know it. Here's my comments for your post:
What on earth was his plan for when they found the car without the kid? "Oh! That's right! I left her in the OTHER car. Oops. My bad."
I wonder if they call Danish police rookies 'Donut Holes'? I would.
The Austrian Art Museum deal makes sense. Would you want to handle money that came from a naked person? It wasn't carried there in a pocket.
Kathleen Williams isn't a relative of the woman who burned her butt on the manhole cover, is she?
Bush trimmers aren't meant for that kind of kitty.
I know how Robin feels. I was playing GTA:SA the other day and I hit the wrong button and totally fell out of my car when I meant to be doing a drive by. It was embarrassing. All the gangsters and ho's were laughing at me.
Sorry pat. The image in objects deal only works on eBay for deity offspring and their mums. And maybe Elvis. Although, the irony of offering the singer of Footloose on footwear might be novel enough to earn you the cost of a new pair of shoes.
Perhaps if we wrap a shrink around a boy and toss them through MJ's window...
Yay hockey!

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!