Sunday, July 03, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 7/3/05

Happy 4th! For those of you in the Denver metro area that have NOT ever attended the Glendale fireworks, you better not miss it next year. This is honestly the best show in town! And it's free! If you want, go ahead and spend money like everyone else at the Rockies or Rapids game, but this show ROCKS! It goes 25-30 minutes and includes low-level ground fireworks that you simply can't do at a stadium. Stop by our annual grill-out party and grab a hot dog next year!

Speaking of, who needs hot dogs? I left the 36 hot dogs we bought for this thing at home and made the Train run and grab us some more. So, we've got hot dogs coming out our. Let's just say we have a LOT of hot dogs!

My 15-year-old niece is at camp for a month. She was so excited to see her friends that when she started to run up to them, she tripped and chipped her tooth on the hood of a car. Been there, done that - on a much larger scale! Keep an eye on the blog for my road rash/tooth chipping story!

Your women's Wimbledon champion is Venus Ebony Star Williams. Yup, her full name is Venus Ebony Star Williams. Immediately, my wife and I are inspired to name our first born daughter Uranus Ivory Queen Angello.

I will definitely be performing at Freak Train this month. The show will be on Monday, 7/25. Hope to see you there - you have been warned. And I can assure you that this performance will be like nothing you have ever witnessed before. Unless you went to Creighton University in 1991. Or you attend Evanston United Methodist Church and went to the talent show about 4 years ago. Anyway, it's a damn funny and original little routine that I'm sure you will enjoy. And if you don't enjoy my performance, the other 12 should keep you entertained. It's only $5 to get in and the beer is free!

My prayers have been answered! Colorado is going to have outdoor lacrosse! Sweet! The Body by Jake guy (seriously) is creating a west coast league and Pat Bowlen (owner of the Broncos) is buying a team! If they give first right of refusal to Bronco season ticket owners, my dad should have a bitchin' priority number! Next summer suddenly seem SO far away!

BTW, there may actually be hockey next year! Really!

It was inevitable, not that there's anything wrong with that. Ladies and gentlemen, GayTV is here! The man behind it, Tim Graden, is responsible for many reality TV shows on MTV, VH1, etc. Be prepared for a bunch of re-runs of Will and Grace, Ellen, Queer Eye, Gay Big Brother, Survivor - San Francisco, I'm a Gay Celebrity - Get Me Out of These Linen Pants, Who Wants to be an Etheridge, and Friends.

OK, sometimes the religious right needs to chill just a little. Art is not necessarily dirty, ya know! Former Attorney General, John Ashcroft, felt the need to cover two statues in the White House: the "Spirit of Justice" and the "Majesty of Justice." Why? Because the statue of "Spirit" is a woman with one breast exposed through a toga-like sheet. Are you kidding me? Get over it, Ashcroft! This guy probably thinks the David is disgusting! Anyway, current Attorney General, Alberto Gonzales, has removed the covers so the statues are on display again. And Americans can feel like we're not a bunch of censored babies for a split second!

Some guy in London has been sentenced to life in prison for conning people out of all of their money. However, he had a cool approach, and the idiots that fell for it almost deserved it! He led people to believe he was a James Bond type of spy and convinced them to help fund his missions. OK, it's not like these people were asking for it. Yeah, they were asking for it! Over 10 years the guy stole nearly $1 (remember, millions is always implied in stealing from stupid people - including the number of elderly people ripped off by Video Professor!). Seriously, if someone told you they were a secret service agent and asked for a martini shaken not stirred, wouldn't you be just a LITTLE suspicious?

I found this fascinating
. Not that I'm a sick-o, but Jack the Ripper is one of the greatest unsolved mysteries ever!

If you can't stand the heat, get out of the sauna! A man in Germany won an endurance competition by sitting in a 230-degree sauna for 5 minutes. He went in at 6' 2" and 210 lbs, and came out at 4' 9" and a buck-25!

Corey Clark, the bonehead that claims to have slept with Paula Abdul while he was a contestant on American Idol, has just been cited on a misdemeanor battery charge for starting a food fight with his manager. I didn't know they were both still in jr. high!

There was a car crash in Tokyo that killed the dad, mom and son in the car. Or did it? Seems that the mom was already dead for at least a day before the crash happened! Arsenio Hall came out of hiding to show up at the scene simply so he could blurt out, "Things that make you go 'hmmmnnn.'" His giant finger was then arrested for indecent exposure.

Good ol' New Delhi! Women that belong to a timber mafia (I swear it's true) are stripping naked to distract police while others illegally cut down trees. I feel it's my duty as a liberal activist to go to India and assist the police in bringing these tree cutters to justice! Wait, I'm not a liberal activist! But, hey, there are naked chicks in India!

Nice dot!

Avril Lavigne is engaged to the lead singer of Sum 41. Or is it Blink 182? Maybe it's Maroon 5! It couldn't be Nine Inch Nails, could it? No - it was the Dave Clark 5, or some other number/name band like that.

I don't normally speak about baseball, but Oliver Perez (catcher for the Pittsburgh Pirates) is on the 15-day disabled list! Seems OP (Opie - heh) broke his toe when he kicked a laundry cart in the clubhouse. Could you be any dumber? What did the laundry cart ever do to him? I guess it broke his toe now, but it was merely defending itself.

While I'm on the subject of my disinterest in baseball, I have a little story for you. OK, gather 'round children and sit Indian-style while Uncle Pat tells you a story! Once upon a time there was a co-worker who scored free tickets to a Colorado Rockies game. This co-worker was so desperate to find someone to go to the game with them, that they actually approached your Uncle Pat! However, the game took place in the middle of the day on a weekday. Well, now Uncle Pat was at work, but it was gorgeous outside and Uncle Pat thought maybe he should "not feel well" all of a sudden. However, Uncle Pat had a meeting that afternoon. Uncle Pat really didn't want to attend this meeting (did you know my boss reads this?), but he's also so thoroughly disgusted with the Rockies that not even free tickets and a painful meeting could drag him away from work. The end!

My wife loves taking baths. We haven't had a decent bathtub in 7 years, but the new apartment has a huge oval tub and she is very excited. However, it's not quite as exciting as the 18K gold bathtubs in Tokyo that are worth $1.1 (remember, million is always implied in the price of over-the-top bathtubs - and times my brother and I have laughed to the point of crying over pretty much nothing!). No, we cannot go to Japan just for a bath!

Here we go again with the severed finger in the food routine. This time, a woman in KC is claiming she found a finger in her salad at Applebee's A YEAR AGO! Can you be less original? I'm going on record right now to say Applebee's blows! I used to work near one and my coworker got food poisoning from them and they couldn't have cared less! So, for you, Randy - I am going to the WWW to say that Applebee's is the Chili's of trailer trash! I spit on you, Applebee's - huuaaacckkkk-ptui!

I think a fingertip just came out!

This guy needs to buy a lottery ticket! A police officer in TN had a blowout in his cruiser, which sent the car rolling. His wife was riding along, and both went to the hospital with some minor injuries. She was released quickly, but he stayed for a few hours more. So, his partner came to pick him up when he got released. On the way home, his partner went into diabetic shock, lost control of the cruiser and crashed. Again, the officer escaped with minor injuries.

An ice rink employee was charged with DUI while driving the Zamboni! Do you see what happens when there is no hockey?

Kangaroos are falling from the sky! A kangaroo appeared out of nowhere and began hopping through IN. Nobody is claiming the creature and the zoo is not missing any animals. I'm thinking alien abduction, naturally. Animal control said the kangaroo is not dangerous - it would probably run away if approached by a human. However, I've seen When Animals Attack and those suckers are fierce!

Some people just never learn! A woman in WI just had her third baby. Her first weighed a hefty 12 pounds. The second one weighed almost 11 pounds. This pudge brother tipped the scale at almost 14 pounds! Seriously, woman - give yourself some time off!

I have good news for all of you in NH! Even though your tap water smells putrid, it has gone through treatment and cleaning and is perfectly safe to drink. Really, all the algae have been cleaned out, but it still smells a little yucky. Go ahead and drink up. You may want to plug your nose while drinking, but.

I love when people pull out the race card for no reason. And, believe it or not, Oprah is the newest culprit! Seems Oprah tried to visit a retail store in Paris after the store already closed, and the shopkeepers would not open the doors for her. She saw other people still shopping in the store, and of course shouted that they wouldn't let her in because she is black. Having experience in the retail business, I'm thinking the people that work there were tired and just wanted to get the remaining shoppers out so they could, you know, go home to their families! I would bet everything I own (including my dog) that a white person at that door at the same time would not be let in. Retail workers work long hours and HATE letting people in the store after they have closed and the door is locked. Even French people!

Damn Oprah!

OK, I know some perverted people (and I don't readily associate with most of them), but this is so over the top it makes me nauseous! A man in NH was arrested after a teen girl caught him staring at her from below an outhouse seat. The guy was literally laying in the muck of the outhouse waste tank! He had to be decontaminated and treated as hazardous material! After that water story, I guess people in NH are used to nasty smells, but I didn't think they would want to go swimming in it. Can't he just stare at her from a tree near her house like a normal pervert?

Apparently, tigers are a dying breed in Cambodia. Ironically, a hunter was attacked by two of them at once. He smacked one in the head with an axe, and then his dogs scared the tigers away. OK, if he was hunting for tigers, I'm thinking he deserved it!

When this story first broke, it cracked me up! Russian President, Vladimir Putin, pocketed New England Patriots owner, Robert Kraft's, Super Bowl ring! It seemed like there was a communication breakdown and Putin just walked off after Kraft handed him the ring to look at. However, Kraft later revealed that he GAVE the ring to Putin. I'm still thinking it's a little fishy! Kraft is probably saying that to avoid any international embarrassment on Putin's behalf! I mean, if I owned a Ferrari and, say, Peter Forsberg told me it was nice, I wouldn't give him the car! A Super Bowl ring is a very sacred thing in this country, and just handing your valued possession to a guy you just met sounds awfully strange!

PETA is getting a little freaky! Now the Fish Empathy Project for PETA is barking at an LA aquarium for serving fish to visitors. OK, so they are preserving fish, but feeding some to visitors. I'm thinking they kinda KNOW what they are doing as far as numbers and endangered species, etc. Anyway, the manager of FEP PETA compared this to serving poodle burgers at a dog show.

Mmm - poodle burgers!

A pastor in South Korea has a great idea! It seems there is an overabundance of rabbits in Seoul so he decided to feed the North Koreans! He is working on a mission to send 1.2 (remember, million is always implied when counting rabbits - and illegitimate children fathered by NBA players!) rabbits to the North to help with the severe food shortage there. Apparently the animals are tasty and, you know, reproduce rather quickly.

Mmm - rabbit!

In Bombay, people are flocking to the beach - trying to get rich. Why? For diamonds of course! The beach is filled with, what experts are saying, fake diamonds. However, people are treasure hunting and trying to sell off whatever they can find. Sure, one guy has died in the water, but just go around him! Jewelers are claiming the stones are worthless, but people are selling them for almost $25/rock! Sounds like worthless diamonds to me! In fact, I think the mystery behind this is a scheme by Elizabeth Taylor to sell more perfume!

Company BBQ's are no big deal, unless you're a gravedigger. I guess people take issue with you partying at the graveyard when they are visiting lost loved ones. Couldn't they go to a coworker's house or something?

Pompous Brits! They are currently reenacting the Battle of Trafalgar bicentenary they won over France and Spain by using colors to identify each country, not the name of the country. In other words, the blue team versus the red team. Um, isn't this a 200 year old battle? I'm pretty sure we know who won and they've gotten over it! I hate being politically correct!

Some shows get cancelled after one episode; others get canned before they hit the air - even though they've already gone through production! After that politically correct paragraph, I give you a new reality TV show that will never air called "Welcome to the Neighborhood." This show is about 3 white families in TX that have to choose their next neighbor. Their choices range from families that are black, Hispanic and Asian; two gay white men who've adopted a black child; a couple covered in tattoos and piercings; a couple who met at the woman's initiation as a witch; and a poor white family. Why would you even think about bringing this into production? Are you LOOKING to offend everyone? We lived next to a gay couple for 5 years, and they were awesome neighbors. And the black family on the other side of us always assisted the older people across the street with snow removal after big storms. Like I always say - there are really only two types of people in this world: decent people and a-holes. It doesn't matter what your race is!

Like the Gambler says, you gotta know when to hold 'em! And pitcher Kenny Rogers should have held 'em last week! The guy went ape-crazy on two cameramen during batting practice - and for no reason really! These guys were simply filming batting practice for the local news channels, like they always do, and Rogers just went after them putting one in the hospital. The team said he is having some anger issues. Really? Ya think?

If you're going to rob someplace, at least have a little courage! The counter clerk foiled a would-be robber in Croatia, armed with a gun, when she threw coffee at him. What a pansy!

A woman put up her forehead for tattooing on ebay. Guess who won the bid? That's right - good ol' Golden Palace Online Casino! "It's a small sacrifice to build a better future for my son." Whatever, you freak! Why would you even think about doing this? For a whopping $10,000! Ebay is the decline of western civilization people!

A woman in WA cancelled her wedding 12 days before she was supposed to get hitched. Instead of begging for her money back from all of the caterers, she threw a big ol' party - for the homeless! Katie Hosking shared her food and DJ with the Interfaith Family Shelter after a sudden break-up with her fiancé. And Paris Hilton needs a $5 (remember, million is always implied in heiress' spending money - and the number of people that hate her!) ring!

I'm starting to run out of these million references!

Them fish in Bangkok are HUGE! Some guy just set a record by catching a 646-pound catfish! The thing is about 9' long as well. Yummy!

Karma police, arrest this man - oops, too late! Nigeria's former police chief somehow ran over himself with a squad car. He is accused of stealing and laundering $100 million in his three years as Inspector General of Police. What comes around goes around. Then it runs over your legs and puts you in jail for a very long time - hobbled and primed for the prisoners who you put there to come and introduce themselves to you.

The last marketing job I had was really weird - only because it took me forever to understand that the VP of Marketing would have 2-3 beers at lunch. And this would be just before meeting with the President and CEO! Now, a lunch meeting between Belgium Iran has been canceled because the beer-loving Belgian could not handle a ban on beer. See, Muslims don't really consume alcohol, but Belgians LOVE it! Is this the biggest worry we have here? Can't we all just get along?

A teacher in Houston is being investigated for insurance fraud. The woman had a few of her students torch her car so she could collect the insurance money and get a new car. Talk about teaching them wrong from right!

What goes up!
Must come DOWN!
Stupid Shi'ites!
All layin' around!

Lebanon has FINALLY banned the celebration of shooting guns in the air. See, gravity brings those bullets back down to earth, and people are dying! Duh! Welcome to this year's Darwin Awards!

It's kinda funny to be in the restroom and hear the click-click of someone playing a game on their cell phone while on the throne. And it's probably me most of the time. Anyway, soon you will be able to play with an Etch-a-Sketch on your phone! So, if your phone is set on vibrate, does it erase your work when it rings?

Parents in WV were arrested last week for smuggling pot in their baby's diaper. The lengths people go through to get better sleep! "Hey, this pot kinda tastes like crap!"

I'm sorry, but Minnesota is closed. You're going to have to leave now. After failing to pass a temporary spending plan, MN government literally shut down on Friday for the first time in state history. This left 9,000 people jobless and rest stops unattended for the holiday weekend. Something tells me this would have NEVER happened if lawmakers still had to answer to "The Body!"

Speaking of wrestling - a teacher in NY kept taking sick days so he could perform as a professional wrestler. He performs as "Hydro" on a team called Los Lunatics. He has got to be the coolest teacher since Arnold subbed in Kindergarten Cop!


Heather said...

I agree with you on the Jack The Ripper thing. I'm fascinated by it as well. I bought this huge book a few years ago that details all the killings and the suspects...everyone at work looked at me differently, though, after they saw what I was reading!

Pat Angello said...

We all know you are psycho Heather - and we're OK with that! BTW, I love your brother's site! I can't believe I just found it. DUH! I wish I had more time to explore and surf these things!

Collin said...

Perhaps you don't have so much browsing time due to the amount of time it takes you to write your posts. Seriously. How long does it take? This one was a good read, but I didn't have time to make one of my long reply/comments. It would have been cool to see you at Freak Train but Monday nights are very hard for me to get away from home. Perhaps something can be worked out next time.

Pat Angello said...

Collin - mark the 25th on your calendar because that's when I'm going.

I was a little disturbed by the length of this one as well. I'm thinking of updating twice a week as far as the newsletter. Plus, some of the stories are out of date by Sunday.

Not sure I could pull a Kathryn and add something every damn day!

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!