Thursday, July 28, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 7/28/05

This is creepy! I’m not ready for androids, sorry! It’s a little too “Aliens” for me!

Moby says he has newfound respect for Eminem, even though the rapper once called Moby a girl. He claims it’s because Slim Shady ripped on the president (who wouldn’t respect someone who can jump on that untapped train – guh!), but I’m guessing the respect is really stemming from that musical gem “Ass Like That.”

Now that the CBA is finally in place, Bob Goodenow is stepping down as the head of the NHLPA. He promised the players no cap, he forced them to miss an entire season, and he got them a worse deal than they could have accepted last September. Oops! Good riddance! His next gig is going to be as a cheese ball TV lawyer. “Hurt in an accident? Call BOB! He promises to get you a new car, all of your medical expenses paid, and a ton of cash! OK, maybe just a bus pass, some rubber gloves, and dinner at Sizzler!”

Maybe they should change it to OUI? Two drunken women in Indiana were pushing their broken down car into a parking lot when they rammed it into a parked vehicle. Both were charged with DUI, driving under the influence of alcohol, as their blood alcohol count was 0.17. But were they really driving? Maybe OPERATING the vehicle, but the thing had no power. How much damage could they really do? Watching people push a car is entertaining enough, but watching drunken people pushing a car demands to be recorded!

“Lt Dan! You got new legs! Titanium space legs!” A naked 26-year-old man was found in a cornfield in AL chewing on a raw cob. He claimed he was looking for Forrest Gump’s house. Instead, Kevin Costner poked his head out of the cornfield and said, “That’s quite a bat you got there.”

All hell’s about to break loose in Greece as bar owners have been serving their clients locally made moonshine, saving huge sums in state alcohol taxes. This alcohol, made with cheap and sometimes-toxic raw materials, can cause drinkers a headache, permanent blindness or even death! Can you imagine if this happened in the US? Well, I guess we do serve Mad Dog and Schlitz!

Remember the kid in KS that deliberately threw up on his teacher? Well he’s been sentenced to 4 months of cleaning up vomit from police cars. And August is the policeman’s ball at Joyland Amusement Park!

A Kenyan city councilman offered Bill Clinton 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter Chelsea’s hand in marriage five years ago. He's still awaiting an answer and he vows not to marry another until he gets an answer. He probably would have had much better luck had he offered 40 hookers and 20 interns, but that communication barrier is a killer! Maybe if he named one of the goats Monica?

Some people TOTALLY deserve what they get! A man in FL actually TAUNTED his wife about having to put their dog to sleep! The argument escalated, and he suggested she grab the sword above the fireplace to settle the argument, and called her a bitch. She took the sword down and stabbed him! YEAH! Unfortunately, she just got him in the bicep and the injury is not life threatening. The dude totally deserved it!

A 16-year-old boy is suing the head of the Young Pianist Competition of New Jersey as she accosted him on stage and slammed the piano keyboard cover on his fingers. Bryan O'Lone had been practicing a piece by Chopin, but a misprint in the program showed he was playing a piece by Beethoven. Obviously, the kid didn’t know the piece by Beethoven and played the Chopin piece, prompting the YPCNJ founder to rush the stage, accosting him in front of 300 people. Wow! Someone likes her Beethoven!

The irony is so heavy it makes my back hurt: The head of a commission investigating Trinidad’s public health care sector almost died from food poisoning after eating at a government-run hospital. I know hospital food is kinda nasty, but they could at least pick it up a notch when the public health commission is investigating them!

Go seniors! An 80-year-old in Germany took his motorized wheelchair on the highway. Hey, when you want Buffet des alten Landes, you want Buffet des alten Landes!

Also in Germany, a man mostly missed his train, mostly. His finger made it on there after it was cut off in the door. That thing is bound to show up in a Weiner Schnitzel!

A plumber in London was caught urinating into a vase and pouring it into a central air conditioning unit. What on earth would possess someone to do this? Seriously? Are you 6 years old? I simply don’t get it!

Also in London, a couple got a little frisky while out to sea in a dinghy. Their sounds of passion were mistaken for cries for help and a rescue squad was sent out after them. I wonder how long before this makes it into a movie? It probably could have saved Deep Water!

Blondie and Dagwood are 75-years-old! I don’t care what her age is, that Blondie is still pretty hot! Heh!

Sorry!

In Brazil, a dead woman was shot in her casket while being buried. A gang/police shoot out next to the cemetery produced a stray bullet that hit the woman. Now I know where I DON’T want to be buried!

2 comments:

Bill Purdy said...

That android robot has weird hands.

Eminem kissed and made up with that, um, Floyd Elton John, so why not Moby (who, if you ask me, is a bit weird himself).

Bob Goodenow is a tool.

Watching drunk people do ahything is entertaining, so long as they aren't angry drunk people, in which case I suggest you just leave them be.

...and Costner used that bat to kill an alien that had been terrorizing him. Way to go, Costner!

In Greece, they call it ouzo.

I have nothing to say about a kid who vomits on people.

That very same Kenyan city councilman offered Clinton a copy of the ENTIRE Paris Hilton porno, but Clinton already had his own copy.

People get way too worked up about their pets. Seriously.

That same 16-year old boy would fare a lot better if he'd sue the whole person, not just the head.

That Trinidad bit is so ironic, there is simply nothing I can add.

I don't get the kraut joke.

The schnitzel joke was almost too easy, Patrick. For shame.

The plumber should be sentenced to cleaning feces and other bodily waste out of peoples' pipes -- wait, that's what he does for a living.

Is it me, or does the word "dinghy" make you giggle?

Blondie looks awful saucy for a septaugenarian.

Rent City of God and tell me you want to go to Brazil. I say you crazy, you!

G'night, everyone. I'll be here all week.

Triman said...

goodenow is a chump.
excited for the upcoming NHL season?

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!