Tuesday, July 26, 2005

PAFC Newsletter, 7/26/05

Let’s start off this one with a bang! A woman in Golden CO pleaded guilty to hosting sex parties. Trying to be a “cool mom,” Silvia Johnson supplied drugs and alcohol to minors and had sex with high school boys. I am SO glad my mom never tried to be that cool! Guh!

OMG! Target’s new Back-To-School ad features “Baby Got Back” for the theme music! Granted it never gets to the lyrics, but y’all will recognize it!

My wife is going to see Howard Jones on Saturday night, so I will be single. I want to go see Burning Abigail and The Scott Julsen Band down by Civic Center Park. Does anyone want to come with me and check out a few great local bands? Take a look at my reviews of them both on my new blog and let me know!

A woman in CA gave birth to a baby boy on the toilet. The hospital sent her home earlier that day because “she wasn’t ready,” so he husband ended up delivering the child at their home. I think they named him John.

Sorry, that was a horrible joke!

OK, imagine you got a check in the mail, made out to you, for $163K. I’m not talking an Ed McMahon, you could be eligible to win, “This is NOT a Check” check. I mean a honest-to-goodness, Dude-check-it-out-I’m-Jeff-Beck-Dude check in your name. What would you do? Would you cash it no questions asked? Or would you do what Robert Theodorow of IN did? He contacted the company the check came from and questioned why he got it. So, instead of paying off his house and buying a shiny new car, he did the right thing. IDIOT! Well, I guess that could have ended up being a large karma kick in the pants, so maybe it is a good thing he returned it. For his troubles, the company sent him a $100 gift certificate for a nice restaurant. Whoopee!

Police at the Vienna airport found cocaine worth $16 (remember, million is ALWAYS implied in drug money – and the number of people who can’t wait for hockey to return!) at the lost and found. Whoa! The dope was in a suitcase that had been sitting in the lost luggage section for a month. I’m thinking the Vienna airport is in the market for new drug-sniffing dogs.

It may be 185 degrees outside, but that didn’t stop about 100 Santa Clauses from partying in Denmark. A Santa convention in July. WTF?

Don’t get the liberals going! The comic strip Doonesbury has been pulled in a few cities for the use of toilet humor. Apparently there is a caricature of W calling Karl Rove a “turd blossom.” OK, that’s funny! I don’t care how conservative you are, that’s classic humor right there! Oops! I forgot that most people read the paper over breakfast, and there is a no tolerance for bathroom talk at the table. Right Nanny?

Sometimes, I just have to cut and paste the story, as I cannot even start to comment on it:

LAWRENCE, Kan. (AP) - Ezekiel Rubottom now has his left foot back exactly where he wants it - in a bucket on the front porch. Police in Kansas have returned the amputated foot to him after seizing it during the weekend to check out just how it got there. The 21-year-old man's foot was amputated three weeks ago after a series of medical problems, and he started keeping it in a five-gallon bucket filled with formaldehyde. It came to the attention of police after a call from a parent whose child reported seeing the severed foot. Officers who went to the home late Saturday night found the foot, and some of Rubottom's friends, but no sign of Rubottom himself. Unsure of what to make of the unusual discovery, police confiscated the severed foot and put it into evidence storage. Rubottom, an artist, recovering methamphetamine addict and occasional hip-hop master of ceremonies, said he was born with a clubbed foot and has dealt all his life with pressure sores and infections. An infection this summer became so severe that doctors at Lawrence Memorial Hospital decided it should be amputated.”

Um, EWW! Now he can REALLY hip-hop, if ya know what I mean!

Hey, criminals! Do your homework! A guy in Toledo decided to rob a coffee shop that just happened to be in an FBI building. Doi! Oh, and the agent in charge was in line for coffee at the time. Nice try!

Excellent! Allegedly, students in Australia were given strips of masking tape and asked to tape their mouths shut because they would not stop talking in class. I love that! Of course, lawsuits are a flyin’, but it’s about time teachers took a strict approach with kids. Beats telling them they have “deferred success” so their weenie feelings don’t get hurt when they fail. Guh! Pretty soon all sports contests will end in a tie!

A 19-year-old Amish man has been accused of stealing flowerpots and house numbers in OH. He was caught because he was blaring music from his buggy! I didn’t know you could add subwoofers to a hand-crank Victrola!

French people think they are so hot! Honestly! A recent survey shows 80% of them frogs think they are good-looking. Hey, I know, it’s tough being hot!

A couple in Italy has stolen 50,000 Euros from a woman with the best trick yet! They convinced her that they were vampires and she had to pay them to NOT impregnate her with the antichrist! For the last four years, they kept selling her fake pills that would abort the antichrist if they ever impregnated her. She’s 47 years old for the love of Dracula!

Does Big Foot exist? We may know for certain soon as residents of the Yukon have submitted hairs found in their community for DNA testing. Something tells me that the results will show it's just Dan, the hairy guy from Vancouver who came to visit last month.

A Croatian farmer was killed when his own cow fell on top of him in a bizarre milking mishap. This almost happened to my brother a long time ago, but he divorced her just in time!

Seriously! A man in TX was arrested after he called the police to report he had been robbed – someone stole his marijuana! And they say pot kills brain cells!


Bill Purdy said...

I think the best part of the Doonesbury story is that Trudeau cannot get into trouble for calling Karl Rove "Turd Blossom" because it's been fairly widely reported that "Turd Blossom" is, in fact, one of several nicknames George Bush actually uses for Rove. So, in this case anyway, it's not slanderous -- it's just reporting.

BTW... am I the only one who reads Doonesbury everyday? I hope not. Like his politics or not, the guy's a freakin' genius.

Collin said...

At least she wasn't a cool grandma.
"Baby Gotta Go Back To School"
I seriously would, but we've already committed to Derek's Poker Tournament that night. Every other weekend Heather doesn't work on Saturday though, so if you would like to do something in a couple weeks, let us know.
How did she get a toilet in there? His nickname could be Squirt.
Yes it was. Shame on you.
Yes. I'm sure they would have missed $163K eventually and even though it was in his name I'm not sure the law would have been on his side. Still, you think they would have been more grateful than a gift certificate.
They could sell the coke and buy a whole bunch of dogs.
They are too busy to convene around December. Isn't it interesting that they don't call them Santa Clause impersonators. You would think the kids would pick up on that. I wonder if they ever have Jesus impersonator conventions?
Yes, but GW DID call him a "turd blossom". Sounds to me like it was just reporting.
Perhaps he's saving it to put in some chili when nobody's looking. "Aaaaaagggghhhh! Your chili ripped my foot off!"
That robber must have been on drugs or really wanted to get caught.
Yeah, that's good. Sue and tell the world that your idiot offspring is unable to obey rules and keep it's noise hole shut. That's someone that deserves money.
I wonder if he was playing "Amish Paradise"?
That must have been a fun survey to conduct. "Do you think you are good looking?" and then keep a straight face when they answer.
Like a pill would stop the antichrist.
Does Dan have a big foot?
You don't yank the teats, you squeeeeze the teats.
That's happened several times. It certainly impairs judgment, but then so does alcohol. I wonder if anyone was arrested during the prohibition for reporting that someone stole their moonshine?

Pat Angello said...

Collin - nice Weird Al reference!

Everything you ever wanted to know about Pat Angello - sorry!